She Cheated On Me, Here’s What I Learned

I never expected I’d be cheated on…

But it happened.

Being cheated on is devastating. To have the person, you love and trust betray you is one of life’s worst upsets.

It’s just a fact that infidelity happens a lot more than we’d like to admit. In fact, according to research, 51% of marriages suffer from infidelity (while data here differs widely, it’s safe to say that around 30-50% of marriages suffer or have suffered from infidelity).

When I discovered that my girlfriend had been cheating, it tore me apart. Our relationship quickly ended, and I lost hope in love. I felt betrayed. I blamed her for the end of our relationship.

It took me months to find my way back, to find healing, and fully understand what had happened. The road to healing wasn’t easy. But once I had my major ‘aha’ moment – I found healing and even found myself realizing that it takes two people to cheat.

Related Article: Affair Recovery

It Takes Two To Cheat

I know it’s a big, bold statement to say, “It takes two people to cheat.” As a marriage counselor, this idea was hard to swallow and more challenging as the victim of an affair. I am in no way suggesting that’s the case for you or anyone who has been cheated on, this is just my personal revelation.

She Cheated, But I Didn’t Want To Hurt Anymore

When I wanted to find my healing, I realized I had two options; one blame her and stay angry or find healing and a lesson in the experience. I chose the option that would lead to healing.

While seeking answers, it occurred to me, that maybe in some way I pushed her away from me. Perhaps somehow I pushed her into the arms of another man.

Not that I was excusing her behavior, but instead, I was considering what I could learn from the affair. Instead of taking the popular road of blame, anger, and resentment, I decided to consider that I too created the affair somehow.

Soon, I realized – I had pushed her away. A woman that had loved me for five years, she wouldn’t just easily cheat. She wouldn’t betray me unless I somehow participated in her pain and loneliness.

Taking responsibility for the situation led me to realize; that I had stopped being the man she loved. I stopped going to bed with her and instead stayed up late to watch movies and play video games. Also, I stopped cooking nice meals and instead let things just happen. I stop being committed to her in the way she needed me to be.

And I didn’t take her out on dates. I wasn’t intimate, despite her pleas for my touch, I pushed her away.

Considering these facts made me see how she would be led into the arms of someone else. Seeing how my behavior played a role, I found empathy her for too.

In some odd way, my introspection helped me to stop blaming her. It helped me stop being a victim. It gave light to a complex subject that isn’t just ‘she cheated, and she’s evil.’ In my desire to escape my suffering, I wanted to see the situation in a way that could help me stop being angry at her.

She Cheated, But I Played A Role Too

During my introspection, I discovered that we both cheated. While she was the one that physically stepped out, I did play a role in the situation. Long before the cheating, I had stopped investing in our relationship. In some way, we both cheated.

Sure, I wasn’t the one who ran into the arms of someone else. I wasn’t the one who lied or hid facts – but I was lazy in our relationship. I was distant, I wasn’t the man she begged me to be, and it hurt my relationship. It gnawed away at the secure love we once had.

Cheating or no cheating – the truth is – we both stopped putting energy into the relationship. Before the cheating, we had both stepped out and stopped being committed to making our love magical.

After lots of introspection, I realized we both cheated. We both stepped out of our commitment and stopped being faithful to love. We lost hope, became lazy, and didn’t do what it takes to make love really thrive.

After She Cheated, The Takeaway

Since my breakthrough, I’ve become a better partner. I understand that if I want a faithful partner, I have to choose someone I completely trust. In the same vein, if I want commitment – I must be committed and really show up for the relationship.

As one teacher told me once, “Love is a verb.” Since being cheated on, I understand that if I want love to work, I have to take daily action to make my relationship secure and loving.

Recovering after infidelity is possible.

If you’ve experienced infidelity in your relationship, mend your relationship with the Save Your Marriage Workbook.