Gender Communication Differences – Dr John Gray Interview

Dr. John Gray joins us to talk about the gender communication differences.

He shares how we can deepen our understanding of our partners and relationship dynamics. According to Dr. John Gray, Men and women are physiologically different.

These differences affect how we communicate.

In this episode, Dr. John Gray, author of the best-selling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, explains the gender communication differences and women and how to work with it.

My first read of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” didn’t leave me excited about interviewing Dr. John Gray.

The book struck me as having interesting points, yet I found it incredibly polarizing. Men are from Mars. Women are Venus. Are we so different?

Men and women have some basic differences, like our anatomy. Yet, in so many ways, we are also the same. We all want to feel heard, connected and loved. When upset, we don’t function differently because of our gender. We function differently because of our history and our differences—differences that are not gender-based.

I sat with these thoughts for a while, then decided to reach out to Dr. John Gray and see if he could teach and convince me otherwise.

Immediately into our interview, Dr. Gray explained how men and women differ. Women can make babies – men can’t. Men have much more testosterone than a woman does. Oxytocin lowers stress in women and testosterone in men.

This all impacts our motivations, drives, and behaviors.

Dr. John Gray had amazing points. He discussed ways men can better serve women and how the needs of modern men and women have changed.

Listen in as Dr. Grey offers powerful insights into how men and women have lost their roles over time and how to best love one another in the modern age.

Hit play, and while you’re listening— let me know what you think. Comment below: “Are men and women significantly different?”

Key Takeaways: Gender Communication Differences – Dr John Gray Interview

Our definition of success is based on what we’ve seen in our culture, media, and people we’ve looked up to.

The average man has 30 times more testosterone than the average woman.

Testosterone is a motivator for a man since it is the hormone known to lower stress.

The act of solving problems, providing solutions, providing support, and being able to take credit for it increases testosterone.

Oxytocin is the hormone that lowers stress in women. It feels good, but it doesn’t lower a man’s stress.

Women’s stress levels go up as they go more into the male work world.

Women need that extra stimulation to balance the increased amount of testosterone or masculine energy. That extra stimulation includes romance, effective couple communication, and interaction, which increase oxytocin.

There are twice as many single people compared to married individuals in the last 30 years.

Many people are failing in their relationship, so they don’t want to make a commitment to go further.

One of the leading causes of divorce is an upsurge in consciousness, self-awareness, and spirituality.

The more we become authentic, we can connect with our spirit. Spirit is androgynous. It is a balance of masculine and feminine.

When a man can succeed at providing the kind of support the woman needs, it brings him back to his masculine energy and strengthens him.

When men experience increasing stress, their first reaction a man has is to detach from his emotions.

Men’s brains are designed to jump into doing something, and women’s brains are designed to talk about it.

Women are designed to see problems more than men. Men focus more on the solution and ignore problems unless there is something they can do about it.

If she’s upset and she’s talking, the man shouldn’t get defensive.

Men have a 24-hour cycle, and women have a 28-day cycle.

All the woman needs to do is be able to talk about her problems, and she comes back into balance.

Women’s number one complaint today is men don’t listen.

What a man can do is don’t speak, ask questions and at a certain point, say, “I hear you.”

As a man, you could give less in a relationship to get more of what women are looking for, and the flip side is for women.

As a woman, stop giving so much and start giving him what he would actually like to have, which is a happy wife.

We’re not responsible for each other’s happiness. Our job is to help each other on the journey of finding happiness.

What a man doesn’t like is a woman telling him what he should and shouldn’t do.

Women don’t like men telling them how they should feel.

Transcript: Gender Communication Differences – Dr John Gray Interview

Luis Congdon

“Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.”

This has become a popular saying in today’s culture keeping in view the gender communication differences.

Today, we’re going to be talking about the differences between men and women and how can modern men and women support each other.

Relationships have changed dramatically in the last 50, 40, and 30 years.

Relationships and their demands have shifted.

I’m excited to bring to you today Dr. John Gray, for us to discuss some burning issues and challenges for all couples in today’s modern society.

Welcome to the show John Gray. It’s fantastic to have you here today.

Dr. John Gray

Thank you so much! I’m happy to be with you.

Luis Congdon

John, you’ve done a lot of work on the differences between men and women, and some people have a hard time with this.

Is the gender communication differences so big?

Understanding Gender Communication Differences

Dr. John Gray

If you look at human beings, we have so many similarities, but we’re all unique and different.

You get tall people, you get short people, then you get men, and you get women, and there are broad categories, but there are some extremely significant differences.

The gender communication differences are huge.

We’ll start with just that women can make babies and men don’t.

There’s a major difference, and it requires a different brain.

It requires a different set of hormones.

It requires different systems to do that, and those systems all regulate stress, happiness, and motivation.

And so, it’s different in women, and it’s different in men.

A simple summary of that is that your average man has 30 times more testosterone than your average woman.

This is a huge significance because testosterone for a man is a major motivator because it is the hormone known to lower stress in a man’s body.

So we’re always motivated to relax, feel good, and be happy.

Testosterone is a major factor for men and a minor factor for women.

A hormone called oxytocin is a bonding hormone, the love hormone, the trust hormone, the safety hormone, the intimacy hormone, and the sex hormone.

Oxytocin is the hormone that lowers stress in women.

It doesn’t lower stress in men. It feels good, but it doesn’t lower a man’s stress.

That’s highly significant, and it also lowers testosterone levels in men.

The hormonal growth .

It’s not that significant unless his testosterones are relatively low. Then oxytocin can literally push it down.

So, this has a lot to do with women’s motivations and men’s motivations.

What makes us feel loved? What makes us feel good?

Once we understand the gender communication differences, it gives us an edge, a new insight on how to understand our partner and how to provide the maximum support for them in those places where there are differences.

What Dr. John Gray Says About Feeling Your Purpose

Kamala Chambers

That is amazing.

I love the way you explain the gender communication differences.

One thing I’ve heard you talked about is that men want to feel like they can provide for a woman.

I’m curious, as a woman, how can women help men to feel like they’re providing for them so they feel that sense of purpose?

Dr. John Gray

Let’s analyze what that motivation is.

That motivation comes once again. If we look at the biological level we know that differences exist, and that is, whenever a man feels successful in making a difference.

Or whenever a woman feels successful in providing a solution, providing help, doing something for someone that’s significant and meaningful, that gives meaning to her life.

Value the difference between men and women communication styles.

However, this act of solving problems, providing solutions, providing support and then, being able to take credit for it, “I did that.

Look what I’ve done” “Oh, thank you. Look what you did,” that act increases testosterone.

So, for men, it’s very vital to constantly get that message that you’re a success. That’s a new challenge for men today because you have to look historically.

If you go way back in thousands of years, men would go out and hunt.

They would do dangerous things, difficult things outside the home which was dangerous as a way to provide for the family.

That’s how men gained his sense of testosterone. “Look at how successful I am.”

The gender communication differences in handling dangerous things is huge.

John Gray On The Gender Communication Differences As We Shift Into The Industrial Age

Dr. John Gray

Then we shifted into more of an industrial age where it was about money and then the gender communication differences rose.

Men would make the money. Men would provide the money. They would go off to work.

They’d leave their comfort zone. They go off and do all kinds of coal mines and difficult jobs, painful jobs.

Jobs they didn’t really like but they did it and had no problem doing it because it was a means to provide for their family. So, money became the symbol that widened the gender communication differences.

Making money became the symbol of success in a relationship and today, we have half of couples, the woman is making more money than the man. So, where does the man get that sense of significance?

When somebody’s hungry and you give them food they go, “Wow! You have provided great meaning and purpose for me,” because you satisfied a big need.

However, when a woman doesn’t need a man that way anymore, what role does a man have?

Ultimately, by understanding this hormonal differences and historical perspective, as we move into this age of equality where women and men are both earning money, both providing, what we have to recognize is men still have male physiology and the gender communication differences is still wide.

Dr. John Gray On Money Issues Between Women And Men

Dr. John Gray

The truth to the matter is, you don’t have to fabricate that you need him for something. The more women earn money, it turns out, the more stressed they are.

If you’re alone and you’re hungry, you go out and make money. You’re going feel much better.

However, the hormones being produced are going to be higher levels of testosterone and lower level of oxytocin for women.

So, their stress levels will be going up as they go more into the male work world. This is how the gender communication differences hormonal productivity varies.

That’s not a problem as long as she looks forward to coming home to an intimate relationship that provides super oxytocin.

Gender differences in intimacy

The anticipation of romance, gender differences in communication, of interaction where you can mutually receive help, give help, and so forth, and equal relationship actually stimulates much higher levels of oxytocin.

Women need that extra stimulation to balance off the natural increase amount of testosterone or masculine energy.

This is what we’re all heading towards and this is one of the reasons there’s so much challenge in relationships today keeping in view the gender communication differences.

Thirty years ago, when I was going on the media and talking about this, the big news was the increasing amounts of divorce.

We’ve actually gone way beyond that. The actual first marriage in statistics is 50%. Just like it was back then.

Luis Congdon

Our divorce has gotten even higher in second marriages. It’s about that.

The divorce rates are proportional to the gender communication differences.

Shortcomings Of The Gender Communication Differences

Dr. John Gray

Exactly, in second marriages and third marriages are much higher.

However, what is more, significant than the increasing amounts of divorce is twice as many people are not getting married.

There are twice as many single people compared to married people in the last 30 years.

So many people are failing in their relationship so they don’t even want to make a commitment to go further due to the gender communication differences.

It’s not seen as, “Oh, we got in a relationship and we went to this divorce,” it’s “We started dating and we basically went through a divorce before we got married.”

Is the difference between men and women so huge?

This is a reflection of a new challenge, and if I could summarize, one of the major causes of that is an upsurge in consciousness, an upsurge in self-awareness, and an upsurge in spirituality.

Those are just different terms for the same thing as far as I’m concerned.

The more aware we become of who we truly are and any parent knows your children are much more conscious than our generation and the previous generation.

The gender communication differences over the generations rise.

My grandchildren are so amazingly different and so much brighter, more intelligent, more aware, more conscious of who they are, what they want, very willful as well. Precisely

What we have is a growth of consciousness or connection to our authentic self. We all want to be more authentic. 

How To Dissolve The Gender Communication Differences

Dr. John Gray

The more we become authentic, we can connect with our spirit. Spirit is androgynous. It is a balance of masculine and feminine.

As I become a spiritual being, I realize I’m not just masculine, but I’m masculine and feminine, which helps me understand the gender communication differences.

However, on a physical level, in my body, I still have these thousands of years of evolution as a man.

Masculine hormones, masculine function, and masculine brain. All these different aspects have to be nourished.

We have to integrate this spiritual part with the physical part in order to understand the gender communication differences. Here I am, this spiritual being and I’m androgynous.

I have access to the empathy, the compassion, the sensitivities of my feminine side and I have also the indifference, the focus, the goal, the aggression, and the assertiveness of a masculine side.

I’ve got these two different sides of me that I can access both.

Bridging The Gender Communication Differences

Dr. John Gray

When I’m out of balance as a man, I would tend to go too far to the feminine.

When a woman is out of balance, which means stress, she tends to move too far to the masculine. 

Sometimes the gender communication differences is really interesting.

This concept is actually born out physiologically, the gender communication differences is proportional to the physiology.

If you look at men, when they are under stress, their testosterone converts into estrogen, the female hormone.

When women are under stress, estrogen will spike and then, testosterone will go up and estrogen will go down.

There’s actually a reversal of hormones when we’re under chronic stress and that’s what’s happening today.

Dr. John Gray

Now it’s happening both to men and women.

But it’s happening more to women as evidenced by research, which they have shown that when women are in the workplace, their cortisol levels, their stress levels are twice as high as men.

Now, men’s are high too. Women are twice as high.

The Gender Communication Differences In The Workplace

Dr. John Gray

On average, for women whether they’re married or single, returning home after spending 8 or 10 hours away from the home, her stress levels will be 4 times higher than the average man whether he’s married or not.

So these are huge significant challenges keeping in view the gender communication differences and I like to say that to help men realize “Women need us more than ever” because again, how can we provide.

We’re coming back to my original point regarding the gender communication differences.

Which is how do women give men the message that they’re needed?

How do men succeed in providing for women in a world where women don’t need men’s money or protection as they used to?

Because that used to be the easy way for men to feel successful, “I protect you, I stand guard for you, I make money for you, I sacrifice for you but hey, I’m happy to do it.” That’s a noble man. That’s what men’s nobility was all about. It’s a self-sacrifice.

How Male And Female Dynamics Can Succeed Through Their Differences

Dr. John Gray

Now, we have to learn how to meet this new emotional need that women have to assist them in coming back to their femininity, coming back to producing more estrogen, and more oxytocin.

When a man can do that, learns how to do that, and it’s a new skill that nobody knows.

When a man can succeed at providing that support for woman it actually brings him back to his masculine energy and strengthens him by knowing how to provide the right kind of support for her as well as how to provide the right support for himself so he can do that.

The gender communication differences to support each other varies.

Likewise for women, how to learn to ask for support, how to learn to share feelings and open up in a way that will work, how to be a partner and creating romance rather than waiting for him to do it all yourself.

These are all new insights and skills we have to learn while mastering the gender communication differences.

From the time I began sharing today to the end is such an honor.  But it would be a myth for me to imply that you can learn this skill in half an hour considering the gender communication differences.

This is something that’s affecting millions and billions of people. There is no simple little button to push. It is a life-long journey of learning.

Something new so our children would not be challenged as learning it and we can create a culture that supports this androgynous nature of men and women while simultaneously almost paradoxically supporting women being more feminine and supporting men being more masculine in a new way.

Supporting The Gender Communication Differences At Home

Luis Congdon

It’s interesting because you’re making me think of when I taught communication classes for 3 years primarily to Latin couples who had been in the United States for very long.

What you’re talking about is taking two time periods and putting these couples into hyperdrive when they come to the United States where heavily saturated and a culture where women take on more historically male roles.

A lot of the men were really struggling because in Latin culture, oftentimes we’re not taught to be super sensitive to women.

We’re taught very masculine traits; provide, take ownership of the woman, take ownership of the home.

Learning the gender communication differences is interesting in such societies.

Then they come over to The United States and women are going, “Wait, I want to go to school,” “I want to get a job,” “I have feelings. I have dreams and I want to pursue them,” and the men’s kind of scratching his head like, “Wait, I’ve just paid the bills.

I’m covering everything. Shouldn’t you be happy?”

It seems like my primary role was teaching these women that it’s okay for them to open up and express their emotions and then, teaching men how to receive those emotions without getting offended or upset.

The biggest thing I like to say is it’s not about you when the woman is expressing.

It’s really if you can set yourself aside and just hear, “Hey, I’m hearing that you’re upset. Tell me more about it,” but it was an incredibly difficult task for many of the men and the classes to get.

Dr. John Gray On The Biological Differences Between Men And Women

Kamala Chambers

I love how you reiterate it that the best way for men to provide for women nowadays is really provide that emotional support or the support to help them decrease their stress levels. 

Are there any particular tips that you would give like a one takeaway that people can use to start applying this right away about the gender communication differences?

Dr. John Gray

What Luis said is the most essential aspect, because the sharing of emotions has proven to be a maximum oxytocin producer. We’ll start with men for a moment considering the gender communication differences. 

In a relationship, if a woman isn’t happy, a man feels like he is a failure. When a woman is happy, he feels successful.

So, here is this woman who is taking on all these new challenges, but the most prominent resistance I see again and again in men to women today is when women are not happy, they say, “Hey! If you’re unhappy, forget that. Just do this traditional thing to do.”

So, we come back to that when we see that women aren’t happy and unhappiness to a man, when he hears a woman being frustrated or angry or complaining or nagging or feeling disappointment and he hears, “Oh! I, on a certain emotional level, he feels he has failed.”

This is where understanding some of these gender differences can help because for men when men experience increasing stress, the first reaction a man has is to detach from his emotions.

The Brain And The Gender Communication Differences

Dr. John Gray

Now, this is a biological aspect of the gender communication differences. This is brain wiring.

When the amygdala, which is the fight or flight center in the brain becomes activated due to potential danger.

The brain goes through several stages. Dopamine which gives you focus, pleasure, and motivations starts turning into adrenaline.

If you don’t solve the problem with your adrenaline or do something about it that’s successful, then adrenaline will turn into cortisol.

That’s the process of getting to cortisol for men.

The first step when it goes to adrenaline is he detaches from emotions.

He actually becomes indifferent. That’s what men do when they’re challenged.

They disconnect from fear because if you have fear, it’ll hold you back from doing something.

So men have a direct line from the amygdala, fight or flight center to the action center of the brain.

Women do not. Women have wiring that goes from the amygdala to the emotional part of the brain, to the talking part of the brain.

When women are under moderate stress, there is 8 x more blood flow that goes to the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that’s the memory.

Eight times of her blood goes to memory to remember, “Did this happen before?

Who’s had happened too?

Problems Of Gender Communication Differences

Dr. John Gray

What can we decide about this?”

It co-goes into a discussion of, “Is this the same as it was before?”

There’s an exploration that wants to be taken to bring in support.

That’s one way of dealing with a problem. If we have a problem, we say, “Let’s talk about it.”

Another way, “If we have a problem, let’s put out the fire.

Let’s do something.” The gender communication differences in dealing with stress is huge.

Dr. John Gray On The Male Brain

Dr. John Gray

So men’s brains are designed more to, “Let’s jump into doing something.”

Women’s brains are more designed towards “Let’s talk about it.”

And when she’s in the mode of talking about it if she can get the words out and articulate them and feel safe doing it, what will occur is the hormone that calms women gets produced.

Suddenly, her brain becomes calmer if she’s able to talk about what’s upsetting her.

This makes no sense to a man because, for a man, if you talk about what’s upsetting you, it completely goes against your nature when you say, “Let’s just do something about it.”

Women tend to see problems more than men.

Men focused more on the solution and ignored problems unless they can do something about it.

The gender communication differences is, men, focus more on the solution.

Women are like, “Well, this is a problem, and this is a problem,” and they’re not even first thinking, “Do we have to do something about it?”

She’s just breaking it up.

This is complementary energy there.

If men can understand that, then what Luis was saying, it becomes a bit easier to realize that as a woman, she’s just being emotional and talking about what’s going on inside of her.

It’s not a reflection on men, and it’s not permanent. It doesn’t have to be fixed.

Dr John Gray On Talking It Out

Dr. John Gray

What I learned and wrote about this many years ago is because I’ve been a therapist.

As a therapist, women would come in and I would listen and ask questions and help them express their feelings and at the end of a 50-minute session, they would feel better but nothing had changed in their life.

I had not talked too many things.

I had not explained how things are going to be different while considering the gender communication differences.

Every woman practically still to this day, when they come in for a trusted counselor session, they want to figure out, “How can I change him? What can I do to get him to change?” Of course, they’re looking for a solution. I had the wisdom to say, “We’ll get to that but first I need to understand your feelings.”

That was the dynamic while mastering the gender communication differences.

Is that I can get women to feel safe, to express how they feel. It was like a miracle.

It didn’t make any sense to me at all until I understood biology.

However, just by talking about it, she would feel better.

Her brain will start to remember the good things in her life as opposed to just what the problems are. 

And then, the balance happens, and this very important for a man to know.

Dealing With The Gender Communication Differences

Dr. John Gray

As Luis just said, if she’s upset and she’s talking, don’t get defensive, this is important to understand the gender communication differences.

Her mood is going to change and she’s going to see the positive sides soon but not right away.

When a woman says, “Oh, you left that light on. You didn’t do this,” a man wants to clean it up. He wants to say, “Yeah, but I made this money and I did this.”

Who cares about that? What he’s doing is resisting her emotions rather than knowing that that’s just an expression.

Let it flow by. Don’t take it personally. Realize that she’s just processing within herself and very soon, she’s going to be happier again.

This is the dynamic aspect of the gender communication differences.

I call it, “Women are like waves.” They rise up and when they’re rising up, it seems like you can do no wrong.

She’s happy to see you.

Little things make her happy.

However, when that wave is crashing, it’s a hormonal cycle that women go through and it is a reality.

Women go through changing hormones over their 28-day cycle. Men have a 24-hour cycle but women have a 28-day cycle. 

The gender communication differences hormonal growth is large.

The Gender Communication Differences And Communication Balance

Dr. John Gray

Those hormones are changing so at times of fertility she tends to see only the good.

But then, it will shift. That wave will come back down and the little things that made her happy, now she’ll start noticing little things that are bothering her.

All she needs to do is be able to talk about those things and she comes back into balance.

Men don’t realize that and so, we’re always trying to talk her out of her feelings.

Therefore, the women’s number one complaint today is he doesn’t listen.

He doesn’t understand and we don’t understand and when we’re listening, we’re listening in a way that doesn’t work, this is the gender communication differences listening power.

Because we’re listening to, “What’s the problem?

How do I solve it? Is that relevant? Is that true?

Let me help you correct your thinking and feeling here.” That’s not what needs to happen at that time.

Men’s Brains Are Designed To Fix Things, Women’s Brains Are Designed To Talk About It

Dr. John Gray

Luis just said it.

As a man, you usually say, “Well, what am I supposed to do? I got to do something,” and we do have to do something.

What you do is you don’t speak, you ask questions and at a certain point you say, “I hear you.”

That’s it. This is how you deal with the gender communication differencesin the best way.

Luis Congdon

Have you found any really fast way to help men learn this skill to deal with the gender communication differences?

Because as a man and as a human being, when somebody says, “Something’s wrong,” “Something’s off”, my gut instinct is, “Oh, I did something. What’s going on?”

However, I don’t tend to want to ask questions. I tend to feel maybe upset.

One of your seminars, you said, “I try to go for an A+, sometimes I get an A+.” I was thinking about recently an issue that we had. She was bringing up some things that she was upset about and immediately I said, “but I’ve done all this stuff for you.

Don’t you feel loved?” and I felt she was talking about feeling like this attention and feeling connected.

It was like, “Wait, I’ve made you breakfast, I cleaned the room,” I talked different things I had done and afterward, looking back on it, that’s not at all what she wanted.

She just had feelings and needed to talk about it.

The Difference Between Men And Women And Happiness

Dr. John Gray

That’s exactly right, considering the difference between men and women. Men could understand that.

You could actually give less in a relationship to get more of what women are looking for, and the flip side is for women.

Stop giving so much and start giving him what he would actually like to have, which is a happy wife.

That’s an even more important message for women who are not happy in their relationships.

The Gender Communication Differences – Heroes And Maidens

Dr. John Gray

Often, the primary cause of women being unhappy is they feel like, “I’m giving and giving and giving and not getting back.”

Well, maybe if you just gave less you wouldn’t feel so much empty and instead, give more what he’s looking for, which is messages that he’s a good guy, messages that he doesn’t have to be perfect to be your hero.

Men want to be heroes.

So, the unrealistic hero is I have to save the day. I have to be world-famous.

I have to be super-rich. I have to be perfect. I have always to make you happy to be your hero.

From a woman’s point of view, you don’t have to be all that.

I try to explain this to men using an example from my life, which wasn’t one of many examples.

“What Is It Like To Be Married To John Gray?”

I was in speaking with 6,000 people, and rarely does my wife come to my seminars.

Sometimes I’ll do keynotes for different conventions. It was a big convention, 6,000 people.

My wife happened to be there.

She doesn’t only come, and usually, she’s accosted by people saying, “What’s it like to be married to John Gray?” She doesn’t want to have that question over a hundred times.

I said, “You know, I’m about to end my talk here, and I will be signing books, so so that nobody has to ask my wife this one question.

I’m going to ask her for you, and you can hear the answer.”

So, I asked my wife to come up on stage and say, “So honey, this is the question that people always ask you.

What’s it’s like to be married to John Gray?

Would you answer it, so you don’t have to answer it over and over?” She’s shy in front of a big audience. She just thinks for a moment, and she says, “I love him,” and I said, “Honey, they all know you love me. primary

That’s not the answer they’re looking for. We need some details.” So, she pauses, and she thinks for a moment.

“So, what’s it like to be married to John Gray?” Then, she says, “He tries,” and I said, “That’ll be it?” and everybody laughed for a moment, and then I said, “This is the most important message you can ever hear. primary

My wife loves me, and I’m not perfect, but I try.

The Gender Communication Differences And Perfection

Dr. John Gray

That’s the most important thing and when I got over that hump a long time ago.

I realized I don’t have to be this perfect guy who gives my wife everything to make her happy. I’m not responsible for happiness.

I’m not responsible for making her happy, and I can’t make her happy, but I can make her happier, and that’s what my job is, to help her in her journey of finding her happiness just like my wife is not have responsibility for the areas of my happiness.

But when I’m happy, she can certainly make me happier sometimes. The art of knowing the gender communication differences is essential.

That’s the healthy perspective where we don’t look to our partner for everything, and we realize our role is we can’t make them happy, but this is men going too far from their female side.

There are these androgynous men who care so much about his wife’s happiness.

Historically, men did not care that much about their women’s happiness.

They did care somewhat, and they had their job to provide, but today’s men, he cares a lot keeping in view the gender communication differences.

So, when she’s not happy, he feels failure, beat up, and whatever.

His testosterone converts into estrogen at that moment.

Instead of just adrenaline, his adrenaline now turns into cortisol. His testosterone turns into estrogen.

The Gender Communication Differences And Aging

Dr. John Gray

So what we have is men going to this journey over and over.

You get men in their 50’s; their testosterone levels are half what they were when they were young men.

I’m in my 60’s; my testosterone levels are just what they were when I was a young man, which is true in indigenous cultures.

Today, men are deflating. Their testosterone levels are going down.

Women are deflating. Their estrogen levels are going down.

Their ability to be happy and responsive to a man’s efforts goes up when their estrogen levels are to a healthy level. 

For men, their motivation to try, to make a difference, to be that guy when you were dating who was interested in making you happy, that is all linked to proper, healthy testosterone levels.

This androgyny, which is the side effect of becoming a more conscious human being, we have to meet those new challenges now.

It’s like, with every step of progress comes a whole new set of problems.

We have to remind ourselves of realistically as men, “I can’t make her happy.

And, if I don’t make her happy, she’s still going to love me if I do one thing, and that is making sure she feels safe.”

A Man’s Job For A Million Year Has Been To Provide Safety

Now, it’s no longer safety from the bad guy out there in the world or from animals in the world.

It is to find safety to express what she feels without some men coming in and judging her and criticizing her by telling her, “Don’t feel that. You should feel this.”

Every woman will go, “Yes! I do not want him telling me what to feel. Let him hear what I feel.”

The flip side of that is women understand that men were different.

What we don’t like the most is a woman telling us what we should do and what we shouldn’t do.

And that’s where women go into trying to offer unsolicited advice to men on how they should behave and what they should do just as women don’t want men to give unsolicited advice on how women should feel.

These are two different dynamics of the gender communication differences that are quite big generalizations, but having that perspective helps a lot.

Get More Support With The Gender Communication Differences

Luis Congdon

It’s interesting.

As you were talking, I saw Kamala’s face. She shifted.

I noticed that she relaxed around the thought of, “Well, yeah. I love having freedom around expression and being able to say what I feel and just opening up into her feminine.”

Kamala Chambers

One of the best takeaways for me from this is I’ve fully agreed with you about men helping women to feel safe and how important that is considering the gender communication differences.

Just how you distilled it down to men help women feel safe by listening to them and that women can improve the relationship by giving less to the man.

Giving less of what she thinks he needs and giving more of what he’s asking for and giving more to herself so she is happy. agreed

That’s one of the best things she can do for the relationship.

I’m curious if there is anything that you like to offer our audience about the gender communication differences before we sign off today.

The Gender Communication Differences And What You Can Do

Dr. John Gray

There are two sides here.

I’ll give a short technique for the women right now.

When you’re talking, and you’re seeing a guy getting defensive or saying stuff or interrupting you, don’t take that personally. Just stop him.

You can stop him right away because he’s doing his best. He doesn’t realize he’s ruining it. Just say, “Hold on. Hold on. I need to talk about my feelings for a little while, and then, I’ll feel better.

You don’t have to say anything or do anything. Your presence makes me feel better.” And then he goes, “Oh, that’s right. I’ve got a job to do here. I’ll do that job.”

It’s a two-way street there.

My most recent book is called Staying Focused in A Hyper World: A Natural Solutions for ADHD, Memory, and Brain Performance.

We haven’t talked about enough today about the gender communication differences.

Still, when I said there are many causes of divorce today, one is this raising of consciousness where we have access to the masculine and feminine, and women tend to go too far to their masculine; men tend to go too now to their female.

That tendency becomes exaggerated due to the environmental toxicity, and I explained that whole process. ,

In children, it’s called ADHD, where active children become hyperactive. Sensitive children become hyper-sensitive.

Free Resource About The Gender Communication Differences

Dr. John Gray

Children who are more kind of distracted playful, they become hyper-distracted playful, and children who are the perfect children become hyper-perfect, so nothing is ever good enough and they’re always hard on themselves. They grow up, and they’re hard on their partners.

They’re dissatisfied in life.

So this hyper-tendency I explained how that happens, and you can get a free download of that book.

Kamala Chambers

How generous of you. Thank you so much for offering 10% off of your incredible workshops and a free book. That is so generous.

Luis Congdon

It’s been such a pleasure to have you on the show today, John. Thank you so much.

Dr. John Gray

Thank you both. It’s been a real delight.

Kamala Chambers

Certainly has. Thank you