Larry Bilotta’s education comes straight from the trenches about how to save a marriage when only one is trying. That’s why we invited him to the show.
He was unhappily married for 27 years. He used to refer to his troubled marriage as hell.
Then he discovered some keys to help him shift, transform, and make his failing marriage a safe haven. A place of love.
He went on to teach his discoveries to thousands of couples.
Table of Contents
Larry Bilotta’s insights, teachings, and methods work.
Interestingly enough, Larry believes that saving a marriage only takes one person. If one person can change, a whole troubled marriage can change.
In the field of having a successful marriage, that’s unique!
I had to bring him on the show to tell us more about his 27 years of committed hell, how he shifted, and how he was able to get his marriage work to thrive — despite having had divorce papers already filled out!
Larry is upbeat, full of love, and loaded with wisdom.
Have you been pondering how to save a marriage when only one is trying? A number of couples are experiencing misery in their failing marriage, and Larry Bilotta was one of them.
He was unhappily married for 27 years but was able to figure out how to save it and totally transformed his broken relationship. In this interview, he talks about the reason why couples lose their intimacy in their broken marriage and how it affects them and their family.
He emphasized that acceptance for every tiny little thing becomes the key to having the successful marriage that you want.
This doesn’t only apply to marriage problems and relationships but also to mental health and other aspects of our lives. If you are interested in knowing how to save a marriage when only one is trying, keep reading!
Key Takeaways: How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying – Interview With Larry Bilotta
- Programming is an instruction that is put in your brain in those first 10 years. It will stay with you for the rest of your life.
- Childhood chaos – when you experienced abuse, abandonment, and neglect in your childhood. This will come for you right in your intimate relationship work. You really need to consider it when learning how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
- One person collapses morally, spiritually, and financially every other way, and that kills intimacy. When the intimacy is dead, the healthy marriage is over. You have to struggle through learning how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
- Chaos/instructions in those first 10 years is one of the major signs your marriage will end in divorce.
- Chaos kids can’t stay in a marriage longer than 26 years.
Addressing the chaos kid
- Separate the person from that energy that lives inside them. Those instructions have a life of their own. It’s called the little voice inside your head.
- This entity/little voice inside your head is controlling the body and has the ability to possess a human being.
- If you marry somebody, you just don’t marry that person. You also married this entity that possesses them as well, and it is important to know how to save a marriage when only one is trying. That entity isn’t going to show up until there’s a legal marriage.
- This entity is intelligent, and it’s there with a mission, to destroy your intimacy.
- What the society is doing now is it’s pleasing itself and getting rid of faithfulness, loyalty, and commitment.
- Marriage is a legal system to control and monitor property.
- Once you become legally married, you enter the court system if you can’t get along. The court system will literally govern your life for you.
- If you look at troubled people and they get married, their chaos enters their children. If enough chaos enters their children, we now have children going out and hurting other children. It’s called bullying, a huge phenomenon now.
- A bully is a strong-willed child being governed by the anger of their parents.
- Selfishness is at the core of every problem. Avoiding it helps you learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
- You need to govern your worst emotions to have financial success, job success, and to have a secure family, and that’s what emotional intelligence is.
- You get emotional intelligence from your programs, the people who put you in those 10 years. Unlearn those programs first to know how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
- As a society, we need a family system that is strong. Society needs to endorse and support that because all the troubles that we have as a society come from only one group, the chaos kids.
- We’re an energy being that has a mind, will, intellect, memories, etcetera, and that makes us a complete human being.
- The problem is not the person. The person is the carrier of the problem.
- As that gap widens between you and this entity, you start to see that the entity is not really you and you’re not really that entity and that is really the beginning of freedom.
- This entity breathes an energy called Against Energy.
Acceptance is the antidote of Against Energy
- You have to leave and you have to enter the world of Acceptance. The simplest way to do that is to list what you’re against.
- To lock yourself into acceptance, you then use gratitude, and he add “Because”. This Because the statement is going to secure this gratitude into a “Reason”.
- The entity cannot live in acceptance.
- So this third element is called Being the only observer. (the other elements are acceptance and gratitude)
- Somebody’s got to be the only observer because whoever makes the observation is the one who’s going to create the future
- If you choose to live in acceptance and gratitude, you need to learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying. The third step is to become the only observer.
- Start having acceptance for every tiny little thing, and that becomes the key to living this life.
- Acceptance and gratitude have to be happening literally in every second of your life. As long as acceptance and gratitude are happening, you now can have the right to observe into existence literally whatever you want.
- The acceptance world has a feeling to it. It’s light. It’s easy. It’s warm. It’s approachable.
In the world of against, it’s dark. It’s heavy. It’s edgy. It’s nervous. It’s pressure.
- Separate the person from that energy that lives inside them. Those instructions have a life of their own. It’s called the little voice inside your head.
Transcript: How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying – Interview With Larry Bilotta
Luis Congdon Today’s guest was unhappily married for 27 years, and he is here to teach you how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
Then on the 28th year, he figured out how to save his marriage and completely transformed his relationship.
He’s got some really powerful tips for us about how we can divorce-proof our relationship, how we can have positive changes our whole healthy relationship, and what it takes to make a happy marriage really function.
Larry is a common sense happy marriage expert who knows everything about how to save your marriage alone. He’s been married for over 40 years. He gives really direct advice and powerful insights into marriage problems.
He was unhappily married for 27 years, and then in the 28th year, he discovered some really powerful secrets that will help you save your marriage alone
I’ve watched his YouTube channel. That’s how I found him, and I’m excited to have him on the show. Larry, Welcome.
Larry Bilotta It’s great to hear Luis.
Luis Congdon I want to jump right, and I want to ask you, why did you stay married unhappily and, as you put it, in hell for 27 years? Why did it take too long to learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying?
Larry Bilotta It has to do with programming, which you need to consider when learning how to save a marriage when only one is trying. Everybody knows about programming.
They don’t all know much about it, but they know the idea of it. Programming is an instruction, and in those first 10 years, your brain’s forming.
Synaptic connections are all formed by the billions, and they are stimulated by the adults who raised you.
The instruction is put in there, which you need to unlearn when learning to save your marriage alone. This is not a memory. This is literally an instruction that will stay with you for the rest of your life.
Consider Programing When Learning How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Larry Bilotta When you grow up with abuse, abandonment, or neglect, you have in your brain a set of instructions that take on a life of your own.
Unlearn those to relearn how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
You end up marrying, and between the ages of 35 and 45, right when you’re raising your family, this childhood chaos will come for you right in your intimate healthy relationship.
There’s 3 relationships on earth; intimate, social, and work. They don’t come for the social and work relationships. They come only for the intimate. That’s what creates divorce.
One person literally collapses morally, spiritually, and financially in every other way, and that kills intimacy.
Marriage problems can take over
When the intimacy is dead, the marriage problems take over, and you really need to learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying. What creates divorce is the chaos of those first 10 years, the instructions literally in those first 10 years.
I’ve done over a thousand interviews with people in troubled marriages, and a body of evidence shows me over and over again that chaos kids can’t stay in a marriage longer than 26 years.
That is the absolute maximum, and they absolutely collapse. They literally will fight this instruction system from their childhood. They’ll fight and resist it until they can’t resist it anymore.
That’s the end of intimacy. That’s what actually creates divorce. In my case, I’m a chaos kid, and I’ve got this real, strong woman who’s governing me and forcing me not to be what I was programmed to be.
My father was a gambler, and my mother was an alcoholic, so I have lots of neglect and abandonment in my programming. So it is really important to learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
Unlearn Programing To Relearn How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Larry Bilotta She was trying to control me and make me be what she wanted me to be, and that’s what made it so painful.
I also have another program because my parents never divorced. I have the program you can’t divorce. So I had to stay, and I had to take the punishment I couldn’t get away.
What that pain did is I had to go search for the truth. This is the true truth that can teach you how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
The truth you can apply in your life. Not the conceptual truth that’s nice to know. I had to know the real truth because I had to get emotional relief. That’s what drove it all. Marsha drove the pain.
Luis Congdon It’s so daunting and scary to me as someone Kamala and I, as a couple, who talked to a lot of married couples and marriage experts in marriage counseling.
People are always saying you have to overcome your childhood in order to learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
There’s this massive programming that occurs, and the more abuse that you suffer, the more challenging it is going to be to overcome that abuse in order to learn how to fix your marital problems.
On all ends, all that does for us sounds scary. It doesn’t sound pleasant Larry.
Larry Bilotta Yes.
Kamala Chambers How do you start to address those pains that the unconscious behavior that is driving you and your relationships?
How did you learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying? How do you recommend addressing that chaos kid?
Larry Bilotta What I do is I separate the partner from that energy that lives inside them. Those instructions have a life of their own.
If you think about what the world calls that, they call it the little voice inside your head. That little voice inside your head is the instructions that they put in there in those first 10 years.
You need to unlearn it to know how to save a marriage when only one is trying. If the instructions are bad you’re selfish, cruel, and angry.
This energy has a life of its own which doesn’t contribute in knowing how to fix your marital problems.
Understand That You Don’t Just Marry A Spouse, You Marry An Entity
Larry Bilotta I heard people say to me over and over again, “I looked into her eyes, and I didn’t see her. I saw someone else,” “I looked into his eyes, and I saw someone else.”
What that sounds like is possession. That’s the scene that came up over and over again. It’s as if he was / she was possessed. That’s a fact.
It’s a possession that you need to consider in learning how to save a marriage when only one is trying. That means the person is no longer controlling the body. This entity is controlling the body.
You need to understand it fully to learn how to fix your marriage. However long that person is controlled, they can literally go in possession, and then out, then become themselves, back into being possessed, and then back out and become themselves.
I’ve heard it over and over again. It’s an absolutely verifiable phenomenon that this is an entity that has the ability to possess a human being. You marry somebody. You just don’t marry that person.
You also married this entity that possesses them as well. That entity isn’t going to show up until there’s a legal marriage. The other thing I verified is that co-habitators don’t have this problem.
There’s something about a legal marriage that will release the monster within. What the co-habitators have is they always have their eye on the back door. They could leave at any time.
Even if the co-habitators have children together it still doesn’t matter. This monster really comes out in legal marriage, so need to learn how to fix your good marriage if you are in legal marriage.
When we’re talking about marriage, what marriage does is it brings out the monster from childhood.
And when I say the monster, there’s a thousand ways to screw up a child, and in those 10 years, all you’re doing is you’re taking your pain that you have from your childhood, that you never resolved, you never settle, you never fixed.
Learn How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying Particularly If You Are In Legal Marriage
Larry Bilotta You marry, and you start a family, and between 35 and 45, this thing from your childhood comes for you in the intimate healthy relationship.
It comes for one mission and one mission only, to destroy intimacy. That’s its purpose. What it’s doing is it’s literally recreating your parent’s marriage. None of us want that. None of us want our parents to be our marriage.
You don’t want that. Therefore, you really need to learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying. This entity is powerful if you know nothing about it.
If you know nothing about this energy, you can’t do anything about it. Remember, in this world, they say, “It’s just you and her.” That’s all there is.
There’s just the two of you. There’s nobody else in the marriage. That isn’t true. Here’s the way I explain it while teaching how to fix your marriage.
If I’m talking to Dan and Sue, I say “Dan, you’re the original Dan. You’re the good guy, you’re a human being, you are yourself and you have a mind, will, and emotions.
You’re a complete human being, but you’re not alone in the body. There’s another entity in there. We’ll call him childhood Dan.
Childhood Dan has all the pain of your first 10 years. Every single bit of it. That childhood, Dan is intelligent.
It can take every piece of pain and literally reinstall it in your nervous system, so you will literally be possessed in that moment that you’re being possessed.
Then, that’s not over yet. We got the original Dan, the good guy, and then we got this childhood Dan problem.
Then, we go over to Sue, and we got original Sue who you love, and now we got childhood Sue who you don’t love.”
So now we don’t have two in the marriage. We’ve got four in the marriage.
That’s the reason that phrase, “You’re just like your mother?” “You’re just like your father” That phrase means you are the worst of your mother.
You are the worst of your father, and that’s why people hate to hear that. Your mother and your father’s worst suddenly take you over because this entity is intelligent and it’s here with a mission.
It’s going to destroy your intimacy. That’s what’s happening in the big picture of marriage.
Prioritize Things When Learning How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Larry Bilotta Now, when you take a society, and you destroy the governing principles of the family, loyalty, and commitment, and you take all that and you throw it away, and you say, “No! We’re not doing loyalty and commitment anymore,” or “What we’re doing now is we are going to please ourselves.
That’s our priority as a society.” We’re talking about Western society, which is infecting the whole earth. What we’re doing now is we are going to please ourselves.
That’s our priority as a society. The principle now is going to get rid of faithfulness and loyalty, commitment.
We’re going to replace it with, “Please yourself at all cost,” and that’s going to be our governing principle. Go check anytime a on a partner who’s unhappy in a marriage.
They tell their friends, family, and co-workers, and what those people all sing out of the same hymn is divorce the bum, divorce her because you need to be happy.
Make yourself happy and have a happy marriage
So the whole world is singing out of the same book, “Make yourself happy.” Learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying to be happy. That switch, in 1969, was the beginning of the divorce revolution.
So 1969, all the way until now, we are seeing the growth, the birth, and the development of complete selfishness. That’s what we’re seeing.
I talk to people from all cultures around the world, and I’m seeing it. In fact, in the Indian culture, where arranged marriage is, the Asian culture a place was where this never was, and selfishness is literally going everywhere.
Luis Congdon As I hear you talking about how to save a marriage when only one is trying, I’m just struck with this running theme.
There isn’t a whole lot of motivation, and I hope that we’re leading towards motivation, towards commitment, and some of the beauty because it just sounds so difficult, and it’s why right now, in our current culture, people are becoming more selfish, and the whole marriage institution is dramatically changed.
Kamala Chambers One of the questions I have is something that you said really struck me. This inner monster, this chaos kid, this inner entity doesn’t come out until people are actually married.
I’m curious to know, and from your perspective, why get married then? Why not just be co-habitators for the rest of your lives together? How to understand it while learning how to fix your marriage.
Understand The Inner Monster While Learning How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Larry Bilotta This has to do with what marriage is. Marriage is a legal system to control and monitor property.
When you enter marriage, you enter a three-way relationship with the woman or the man and the State.
Whatever the governing authority is, you enter a relationship that’s governing authority when you enter marriage.
When your relationship goes wrong, you can go to that governing authority and say, “I appeal to the court. She and I can’t come to an agreement. Tell us what we must do.
Settle our argument for us.” Once you become legally married, you must learn how to save a marriage when only one is trying. You enter the court system if you can’t get along.
The court system will literally govern your life for you. If you can’t manage your intimate relationship, the governor will come in and do it for you.
If you are in legal marriage do your best to know how to fix your marriage. So the question of why marry is really a societal question.
What is the value of the governing authority in our relationship with the governing authority in our intimate life, which is the family, the governing authority around the family?
If you look at troubled people and they get married, their chaos enters their children.
If enough chaos enters their children, we now have children going out and hurting other children.
It’s called bullying, a huge phenomenon now. Bullying is being broadcast all over. It’s a great problem we must solve.
A bully is a strong-willed child being governed by the anger of their parents. However, the law is not been made so that the law can go and blame parents for the crimes of their children, and that brings me to the next thing.
When that bully grows up, they can go to prison.
How Bullying Affects Your Ability To Learn How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Larry Bilotta So, society has a system of police, lawyers, courts, and prisons. It’s for the children of chaos parents.
I’ve worked in prisons. When I interview prisoners, every single one of them is a chaos kid. Every single one of them I’ve ever talked to. So what are prisons, courts, and police?
They are the governors to control our troubled offspring. That’s what they’re there for, literally, to protect us from the products of troubled people.
There’s no law that says, “Hey! If two troubled people get married, we’re not letting them have children” “Why?” “Well, because they’re a burden in our society. They’re a burden to all of us. We got to feed them and clothe them in prisons. We’re not going let them produce children.”
See, there’s no law that says that.
Kamala Chambers I’m super curious to hear about how to save a marriage when only one is trying. Are you anti-marriage?
Larry Bilotta Not at all. I’m not anti-anything. But if I were anti-anything, I’d be anti-selfish because selfishness is at the core of every problem.
And so, what I’m really for is I’m for the death of the program system selectively.
Larry Bilotta When you can kill off the entity that governs your worst impulses, you are successful.
It’s actually called emotional intelligence, and if you read the book by Daniel Goleman titled the Emotional Intelligence, you see the definition of what emotional intelligence is.
It’s the governing of the monster within. That’s what it is, and that’s really what marriage needs. To have a secure family, you need to govern your worst emotions. You need to govern your worst emotions for raising great kids.
You need to govern your worst emotions to have financial success, job success, and everything else. And that’s what emotional intelligence is.
You get emotional intelligence from your programs, the people who put you in those 10 years. As a society, we need a family system that is strong.
And the society needs to endorse and support that because all the troubles that we have as a society are come from only one group, the chaos kids.
Impact Of Emotional Intelligence In Knowing How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Kamala Chambers Emotional intelligence can be learned as adults. I think that’s what a lot of people who are in self-development are working on that.
People who are trying to be in more conscious relationships are working on that. What is your method of teaching emotional intelligence to adults?
How it helps in understanding how to save a marriage when only one is trying?
Larry Bilotta What I do in my course is I identify this entity, and I describe this entity as an energy being.
The way I describe it is you as a human being, actually an energy being, and we have proof of that because if a surgeon puts you on an operating table and cuts you open he is going to go inside your body to look for what we call you.
He cut open your heart and both lungs and brain, calling your name. We know that the surgeon would never find you.
The reason the surgeon couldn’t find you inside your body where you’re supposed to be is because you’re not in there.
You are not a physical being. You are an invisible being living inside a Cisco machine. Everybody agrees with that. So since you’re an invisible being, we could say you are an energy being.
So you’re an energy being that has a mind, will, intellect, memories, etcetera, and that makes you a complete human being.
This energy from your childhood that is bad and darkest is also an energy being. What I teach in the course is it’s called Evil, and it’s intelligent, and that is a bad combination because this entity can talk to you.
It literally talks to you. It isn’t you talking, it isn’t you thinking. It’s literally you being talked to by an intelligent entity that lives in you and knows you intimately.
Knows what you want, what you care about, what you need for, everything. That entity has to die. And so, that’s what the course is about.
How we kill off this thing living in us that was birth and built by my programmers who never controlled their dark entity that came from their parents?
Overcoming Childhood Traumas And Knowing How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Luis Congdon Learning how to save a marriage when only one is trying is challenging when you pass through childhood traumas.
Having worked with a lot of people who suffered really severe childhood traumas, I can just recall being in sessions.
I worked with clients who were incredibly poor and barely making it, and I was a social worker teaching relationship courses.
I got a first-hand at working with some of the people who had some of the most difficult, traumatic childhoods that most of us can’t even imagine.
Having sessions with couples where the wife or the husband would start recalling a fight or something that happened in their life.
It was literally like watching an exorcism happening because I would watch them feeling all these emotions and being aware and then telling me, “I had no idea that I had this amount of anger or sadness.
I don’t know what overtook me. I just ended up throwing something at him and yelled at him, and I don’t who that is. It doesn’t feel like it’s me.”
Larry Bilotta So you have the exact same experience of witnessing it.
So you know what I’m saying about how to save a marriage when only one is trying is real. It’s a real phenomenon.
So what is the problem? The problem is not the partner. The partner is not the problem. The partner is the carrier of the problem.
Much like our bodies would carry some kind of infection or some kind of disease. We’re a carrier of the problem, but we are not the problem.
Learning How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying Is A Crucial Skill
Larry Bilotta So, what I do in my course is I separate the partner, the good partner, and all of their goodness from this problem, this entity.
And by separating the partner from the entity, what I teach them is you have to have experiences now and learn to see this entity as it really is.
Each time you have an experience in this process that we’re doing, you’re going to see the entity. You’re going to see how ugly, how dark, how bad, and you’re going to go, “Oh! So you’re the entity.
You’re evil. I’m good, and we’re not the same,” and every time you do that in a real experience, in real life, in real-time, you separate yourself from that entity.
It’s like the entity has to step down the stairs, and you get to step up the stairs. It keeps going like that with each experience. You step up, and the entity steps down.
As that gap widens, you start to see that the entity is not really you, and you’re not really that entity, and that is really the beginning of freedom. Because what is that entity?
Kamala Chambers So, saying you’re in the midst of an argument, and you noticed that this other side of you comes out that you just don’t recognize.
How this helps in learning how to save a marriage when only one is trying? It’s like watching a train wreck. Sometimes, if I get really angry or really upset, I don’t even recognize it.
Like, where is this coming from? I’ve seen my clients go through this. What do you do to stop it when you recognize that entity, as you call it, comes up?
Neutralizing Negative Energy and Knowing How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Larry Bilotta Kamala, that’s a good question because what that question is getting at is where do you start at the moment you’re in? Let’s think about this entity and see how it lives.
It breathes. We’re talking about an energy being here now, not a physical being. It breathes. Now, we are occupying a physical body, and we understand what breathing is because it’s oxygen, lungs, and all that.
This entity breathes also. In order to live, it must breathe. It breathes an energy called Against Energy.
It has to have against energy in order to survive, in order to live, in order to work. It doesn’t contribute to learning how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
So, how does it get against energy?
Well, it comes to the owner of the body, which is the human being, and says, “Hey, Dan, you know, aren’t you pretty sick of Sue and her stupid complaining and moaning and guarding? Aren’t you just sick of that? Aren’t you just fed up with it?”
Now, Dan is listening to this entity talk to him about his wife and say, “That’s bad. She’s bad. She’s this. She’s that,” and so, Dan’s listening too, and then he goes, “Yeah”. He agreed.
The moment he agrees, he is screwed because the host, Dan, the human being, has to agree to the observation made by this entity.
So when he says, “Yeah”, he’s screwed because the entity goes, “Ahhh. That’s better. Now we’re breathing.
Now we can come up with more things that are wrong with Sue. Now, we can be madder at her, blame her, and accuse her, and while we’re doing that, why don’t we defend you, Dan, because you’re a good guy?
You did this good and that good, and she’s bad, and you’re good.” Now that there’s a new momentum, what I call Evil momentum.
So against energy is the problem because Dan doesn’t know about against energy. Until he learns about this energy, this entity thrives and lives on against energy.
Learn How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying To Enter Into World Of Acceptance
Larry Bilotta So what is the antidote of “Against energy“?
It turns out to be another word that starts with A. The word is “Acceptance”. Does it contribute to learning how to save a marriage when only one is trying?
“Against” is not a word.
It turns out it’s a whole world, literally, a world of “Against”. Once you enter the “Against” world, you are going to be seeing everything through against energy, every partner, every event, a sliced carrot, and a bag of garbage.
Everything could be seen through against energy, and you’re going to be controlled in every way and see it through against energy.
Nothing good is going to go for you. Nothing good is going to happen for you in that world. You leave against energy, and that’s the mission now.
You have to leave Against and you have to enter the world of Acceptance.
The simplest way to do that is to list what you’re against.
In Dan’s case, he says, “I am against Sue nagging me all the time.” There’s the “Against statement.” So then, he goes over to the acceptance world and says, “I accept that Sue is nagging me all the time.”
To lock himself into acceptance, he then uses gratitude, and he said, “I have gratitude that Sue is nagging me all the time,” and he adds, “Because”.
This “Because the statement” is going to secure this gratitude into a “Reason”. Why do I have acceptance of, why do I gratitude to Sue’s nagging all the time?
Because of the more pain I’m in, the more I learn about myself.” That would be an example of a “Because” statement.
A Quick Recap About World of Acceptance and How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Kamala Chambers I just want to recap real quickly how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
You have this Against energy filter that is distorting the way that you’re dealing with the world, and it takes mindfulness and self-awareness to even know that it’s there.
Once you recognize it’s there, you tap into the acceptance of yourself, where you’re at right now, where your partner’s at right now, you dip into the well of gratitude, and then, you find a reason for the gratitude.
Am I on the right track here with all that?
Larry Bilotta Yes, and literally in that order. That’s how you leave Against and enter the world of Acceptance.
The key to this world of acceptance is that the entity cannot live in acceptance. It dies in acceptance. Its energy literally just disappears, and all of the Against energy this takes practice.
This is not an overnight sensation. It takes practice to make that switch. However, once you enter the world of acceptance and gratitude, the entity can’t thrive, and it can’t talk to you anymore.
That brings us to the third thing on the right side of the equation; Acceptance, gratitude, and becoming the observer.
This idea of becoming the observer comes directly from quantum physics. In quantum physics, they have the same phenomenon called the Observer Effect, and that’s where they did this experiment.
They shoot the electron, and they expect it to act like a marble, and when the scientists start looking at it, it behaves like a marble.
The electron behaves like a marble, but when they look away, the electron no longer acts like a marble.
It literally becomes a cloud, a cloud of uncertain material, a cloud of uncertainty. A probability, they call it.
What the observer does is when the observer looks at the sub-atomic particle, it literally acts the way the observer expects it to.
Master The Third Element In Learning How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Larry Bilotta So, this third element is called Being the only observer, which really contributes to knowing how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
This entity can be the only observer, or the human can be the only observer.
Somebody’s got to be the only observer because whoever makes the observation is the one who’s going to create the future, the next day, the next hour, the next week.
That’s who’s going to create the future.
So, is it going to be this entity who keeps making observations of, “She’s rotten, she’s no good. You hate her. You need to get away. That girl’s better than her.”
All those are observations, and once you’re saying yes to those, that’s the only observer. The monster is now the only observer.
If you get clear on this, it’s either going to be the Acceptance world or the Against world. You have to make a choice, and you have to make that choice every second.
If you choose to live in acceptance and gratitude, the third step is to become the only observer. Now, how do you become the only observer?
You stay in your right mind, and this is where emotional intelligence actually happens. It happens when you start to observe that you are already emotionally intelligent.
Your emotional intelligence plays a major role in learning how to fix your marriage.
For instance, you read the book, and you get some tips from the book “Emotional Intelligence”. Emotional intelligence is self-control. That’s the death of this monster.
When the monster is dead, because I’m living in acceptance and gratitude and being the only person in observer, all I have to do is stay in this life and start having acceptance for every tiny little thing, and that becomes the key to living this life.
Consider Acceptance and Gratitude When Learning How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Larry Bilotta You can’t just have acceptance when you’re under attack in mastering how to fix your marriage.
You have to have acceptance when you’re driving a car, when you’re in the grocery store, when your shoelace breaks.
Acceptance and gratitude have to be happening literally in every second of your life. As long as acceptance and gratitude are happening, you now can have the right to observe into existence literally whatever you want.
That’s why I’m living with Marsha today, 40 years later, and I absolutely enjoy her. She hasn’t changed a tiny little bit. In fact, she’s stronger-willed now than she was even 20 years ago.
Luis Congdon It’s interesting because one of the things we talked about in marriage education classes is that 69% of the problems couples have are perpetual problems, which really means they’re problems that won’t have solutions.
Your partner has a tendency to show up late. Your spouse has a tendency to say, “I’m a lot,” or has a certain voice when they’re happy or annoyed, or whatever it is in their personality traits that are really part of that partner.
However, at some point, when we’ve been around somebody for a long time, those things begin to annoy us.
I think everybody listening knows that. Maybe you have a best friend if you’re not in a great relationship, or you have a partner, and there are certain little things that annoy you about your partner, but you know they’re not ever going to change, and you can try, and you can try.
Words Of Wisdom In Knowing How To Save A Marriage When Only One Is Trying
Luis Congdon What we teach is instead of trying to change your partner, try to understand that from a different perspective in understanding how to save a marriage when only one is trying.
It’s really taking control, like you’re saying of that little voice in your head and saying, “Hey, I’m going to turn this and flip it on its head, and I’m going to be the one that creates and empowers this.”
My partner’s really sensitive. One of the things about Kamala is she’s incredibly sensitive, and there are times for me when that sensitivity is really challenging for me.
One of the things I’ve been working on lately is, “What a gift that I’m being given because I have a propensity towards not having enough sensitivity, and she is a teacher,” and I find that the more I’m saying that to myself and noticing her sensitivity, which sometimes is like very, very sensitive and I’m learning to actually love that because it’s making me more gentle.
It’s making me a better listener and more empathetic. It’s rounding me off in so many different ways.
For anybody listening, you might think I got to this place overnight, but I didn’t because initially, this was a very challenging thing for me.
And then, I started saying, “Hey, I got to view this quality in a different way, and what way is it a gift? Maybe in some certain way, I’ve actually welcomed this into my life so that I could become a better person.”
Very quickly, I’m noticing a lot of changes. Now, in the external world, sometimes they seem slow, but when I take time to really tune in, I go, “Wow, normally this is how I’d respond, but Kamala just taught me how to respond this way.”
Kamala Chambers Yeah. Larry, I love the piece you were talking about, which I think is a huge piece of what Luis is referring to as an acceptance piece.
I’m a huge teacher of acceptance, and I loved how you said accepting every little thing.
Every little thing throughout your day and weaving in gratitude for that so you are the one in charge and not this wounded self or the inner entity as you call it.
Larry Bilotta Yes, those little seconds are your opportunity to practice how to fix your marriage.
If you’re not practicing second by second, you’re not ready when real trouble arises. When the monster comes for you when it’s late at night, it starts feeding you up with some memories from your childhood.
You’re not ready because you haven’t been practicing acceptance of every little thing, gratitude for every little thing. You’re teaching, and you’re living this but people who hear you like, “Ah, she’s just always happy.”
Kamala Chambers Hell, no.
Larry Bilotta And Luis, you’re a very positive, upbeat kind of guy. He never suffered like I suffered.
He doesn’t have all the monsters in him that I have. I got a bigger, meaner, nastier monster than he’s got. We want to compare ourselves to people who give advice.
Like the two of you that teach, and they compare it. They go, “Why are you so successful? I can’t be successful.”
They’ve got to have a system. And the beginning of that system is to see that there are two worlds. “Against and “Acceptance” are worlds.
When you live in Acceptance, it is a world where people treat you differently. They talk to you differently. Different situations happen to you. Everything’s different in the world of acceptance.
Understand acceptance fully when learning how to fix your marriage. If you’re in the world of Against, those same people, all of a sudden, they’re different.
They’re not like they were in the world of acceptance. They’re darker. They got an edge on them. Things like entering the world of bad luck and misfortune.
That’s the beginning of this life commitment. “Which world Am I going to live in, the world of Acceptance or the world of Against?” And you have to know they’re really a world.
Kamala Chambers It’s amazing how you boiled it down because that’s such a great takeaway for our listeners.
Are you “Against”? Do you feel the world’s against you? Do you feel like you’re against the world?
Or, are you accepting the world, and you feel like you can gain acceptance from the world? I think that is such a beautiful way that you just encompass everything you said.
Do you want to give one last takeaway on how can you gauge whether you’re in a state of the Against or state of Acceptance?
Larry Bilotta The acceptance world is light. It’s easy. It’s warm. It’s approachable.
Everything in the world is light, easy, and approachable. There’s no pressure. Nothing is heavy in the world of acceptance.
The world of against is dark. It’s heavy. It’s edgy. It’s nervous. It’s pressure. See the dark, nervous, edgy, pressure world itself in everything you do.
Final Thoughts About How To Save Your Marriage Alone
Luis Congdon Right. A lot of spiritual teachings say it’s not what you’re doing. It’s how you do it.
And that’s really what we’re talking about and applying it to marriage and other relationships and then just reaching out to any other arena of our lives.
There’s a thing I want to get to Larry because we’re about to wrap up here. I do want to ask because I felt so good listening to you today, and I love your YouTube videos.
Thank you so much for your time, Larry. It’s been really fantastic to have you on the show. You really brought some new light to how to be happy in our lives and how to apply some really fundamental teachings in relationships and anywhere else. We loved the insights about how to fix your marriage.
Kamala Chambers Thank you so much. You’re brilliant. It’s been amazing to have you hear.
Larry Bilotta Thank you, Kamala. Your sensitivity, I could feel it from a distance.
Hi Larry,
I hope you are doing well. I was fortunate to take your course approximately 4.5 years ago which really helped me . My wife suffered sexual abuse from 4 – 10 years old l. We went through marriage counseling for 14 months and they gave us a clean bill of health. The husband and wife counseling team shared that my wife needed individual EMDR therapy. She has been going to WMDR therapy for 18 months. She has shown some improvement, but lately she has been regressing and starting to blame me again for all of the stuff she shared in our counseling session . We have 4 kids that range from 14-21. The kids and I don’t want to deal with any more of her episodes . What would you suggest . Thank you for all of your help.