Did you know there are stages of anger after infidelity?
After discovering your partner has cheated on you, it is common to feel intense emotions like anger.
Some days, the rage may feel completely overwhelming.
It’s normal to go through various stages of anger and grief after experiencing betrayal.
While everyone’s journey is unique, we hope this article will help you recognize that your experience is valid and that you are not alone.
This article explores the six stages of anger after infidelity, as well as practical strategies you can use to begin healing from betrayal trauma.
Table of Contents
What are the stages of anger after infidelity?
Let’s delve into the six stages of anger that a person may experience after infidelity.
It’s essential to note that everyone’s experience is unique.
You may discover that you have skipped one or more phases or been stuck in one stage for weeks or months.
Alternatively, you may fluctuate between several stages instead of progressing in a predictable order.
Whatever stage you find yourself in while you try to make sense of what has happened is completely normal.
Stages of anger after infidelity #1: Discovery stage
During the discovery stage, you learn about your partner’s affair.
You may have been suspecting it for some time.
Maybe your partner has become more secretive about their phone or is unreachable for long periods without a clear explanation.
Or you sense that things are off, that your partner is becoming increasingly distant, and they are no longer interested in sex.
On the other hand, you might not notice any warning signs of your partner’s affair, and your relationship seems to be going smoothly.
Whether or not you had prior suspicion of infidelity, the discovery stage is when you find out for sure.
While you might have known something wasn’t adding up deep down, nothing can prepare you for the moment when your worst fears are confirmed.
In the discovery stage, your mind races as you try to make sense of your partner’s betrayal and ask them questions about the affair.
Stages of anger after infidelity #2: Denial stage
After discovering your partner’s betrayal, your first reaction may be denial.
You find it hard to believe your partner would betray you like this, and you don’t want to accept the truth.
Denial serves to protect you from the overwhelming pain that would come with facing the reality of your partner’s infidelity.
During this stage, you start feeling numb and disconnected.
You feel like you’re in a dream-like state, wishing more than anything to wake up from this nightmare and return to how things used to be.
Stages of anger after infidelity #3: Bargaining stage
The next stage of anger after infidelity is bargaining.
During the bargaining stage, the betrayed spouse tries to make a deal with a higher power, their partner, or themselves to reduce their pain.
They try to convince themselves that they’re overreacting or start making excuses for their partner’s behavior.
Their mind wanders to what they could have done differently, such as thinking, “If only I had sex with my partner more often, or if only I weren’t working so much, this wouldn’t have happened.”
However, bargaining doesn’t erase what has happened or the deep hurt they’re experiencing.
Stages of anger after infidelity #4: Grief stage
When you enter the grief stage, you surrender to the pain you’re experiencing and acknowledge the gravity of what you’ve lost.
You mourn the loss of the relationship you had and the future you pictured together.
During the grief stage, it’s common to experience a range of intense emotions, from hurt and sadness to anger and fear.
One day, you are furious with your cheating partner and the other woman or man.
Then, the next day, you spiral into other emotions like shame, self-doubt, and fear.
As uncomfortable as grieving infidelity can be, allowing yourself to move through your emotions is essential to healing.
The grieving process takes time and cannot be rushed through.
Therefore, this stage often lasts longer than other stages.
Stages of anger after infidelity #5: Acceptance stage
As you allow yourself to feel grief, you gradually come to terms with your new reality and move towards acceptance.
Accepting what happened does not mean excusing your partner’s behavior, or the betrayal no longer hurts.
Acceptance is recognizing that things will never be different and making peace with your new reality.
Stages of anger after infidelity #6: Re-commitment stage
The final stage of coping with anger after infidelity is to re-commit to your relationship.
If you and your partner have decided to make your relationship work, you understand that things cannot go back to how they were before.
Instead, you look at the infidelity as an opportunity to communicate more openly and become a stronger couple.
During this final stage, you and your partner start taking steps to reconnect, rebuild intimacy, and repair broken trust.
6 strategies for navigating the stages of anger after infidelity
Let’s explore six tips for coping with the pain of infidelity and navigating your own healing process.
1. Understand why the affair happened
As you heal from infidelity, it’s essential to understand why it happened in the first place.
This insight helps you address relationship problems and determine what needs to change moving forward.
For example, you and your partner may have fallen into a stagnant routine and stopped being curious about each other.
As a result, your partner sought a new relationship where they could share their feelings and inner world, which led to an emotional affair.
Now that you understand the root cause of the infidelity, you can focus on restoring emotional intimacy in your relationship.
Once you recognize what led to the infidelity, you can work on the specifics that will make you feel more fulfilled in your relationship.
2. Set boundaries
Boundaries are an essential part of affair recovery.
Setting boundaries allows you to define what you need to feel safe as you process what has happened.
Boundaries after an affair may include
- Requesting that your spouse cut off all communication with their affair partner.
- Ask your partner for access to their text messages and social media.
- Agreeing not to share intimate details of the affair with friends or family members.
3. Allow yourself to feel painful emotions
When you find out that your partner has been cheating on you, you may be in so much pain that it’s difficult to imagine ever being okay again.
As unpleasant as the anger, sadness, or anxiety may be, avoid numbing or pushing down your emotions.
Allowing yourself to feel your emotions is the only way to start healing and moving forward.
4. Seek support
Don’t try to walk through affair recovery on your own.
Instead, lean into support from your loved ones.
Let close friends and family members into your pain and sadness.
Additionally, seeking professional help can be very beneficial in the healing process.
A relationship coach will assist you in processing what has happened and lead you in the healing process.
Book a complimentary couple consult with us today to start rebuilding after infidelity.
5. Be patient with yourself during the healing process
Healing after infidelity is not a linear process.
Sometimes, you may feel like you are making progress, and the pain doesn’t feel as heavy.
However, at other times, overwhelming feelings hit you out of nowhere, you’re unsure you’ll ever be able to trust your cheating partner again, and you feel like you’re back at square one.
Remember that the healing process is full of ups and downs.
It’s normal to feel like you’re taking a step forward and three steps back.
Instead of judging yourself for not being farther along in your healing journey, turn towards yourself with self-compassion.
6. Healing is possible
Though the hurt and sadness you are experiencing may be all-consuming right now, don’t lose hope.
As time passes and you move through the stages of anger, you may find that the pain doesn’t completely subside, but it becomes easier to carry.
Remember that it is possible to make peace with the past and lead a fulfilling life after infidelity.
What are the stages of betrayal trauma?
The five stages of grief also apply to betrayal trauma. The stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression (or sadness stage), and acceptance.
How do I stop being angry after infidelity?
In the aftermath of infidelity, it is crucial to acknowledge all of your emotions, including anger. As uncomfortable as being angry can be, suppressing your emotions hinders healing.
How long does it take to feel normal after infidelity?
The process of healing from infidelity varies significantly from person to person. Some people start feeling normal after a few months, while others may take much longer.
Does the pain of being cheated on ever go away?
The pain of being cheated on can diminish over time, and many individuals find ways to heal and move forward. However, affair recovery is unique for each individual.
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