I never expected I’d be cheated on…
But it happened.
Being cheated on is devastating. To have the person, you love and trust betray you is one of life’s worst upsets.
It’s just a fact that infidelity happens a lot more than we’d like to admit. In fact, according to research, 51% of marriages suffer from infidelity (while data here differs widely, it’s safe to say that around 30-50% of marriages suffer or have suffered from infidelity).
When I discovered that my girlfriend at the time had been cheating, it tore me apart. Our relationship quickly ended, and I lost hope in love. I felt betrayed. I blamed her for the end of our relationship.
It took me months to find my way back, to find healing, and fully understand what had happened. The road to healing wasn’t easy. But once I had my major ‘aha’ moment – I found healing and even found myself realizing that it takes two people to cheat.
Related Article: Affair Recovery
Table of Contents
It Takes Two To Cheat
I know it’s a big, bold statement to say, “It takes two people to cheat.” As a marriage counselor, this idea was hard to swallow and more challenging as the victim of an affair. I am in no way suggesting that’s the case for you or anyone who has been cheated on, this is just my personal revelation.
She Cheated, But I Didn’t Want To Hurt Anymore
When I wanted to find my healing, I realized I had two options; one blame her and stay angry or find healing and a lesson in the experience. I chose the option that would lead to healing.
While seeking answers, it occurred to me, that maybe in some way I pushed her away from me. Perhaps somehow I pushed her into the arms of another man.
Not that I was excusing her behavior, but instead, I was considering what I could learn from the affair. Instead of taking the popular road of blame, anger, and resentment, I decided to consider that I too created the affair somehow.
Soon, I realized – I had pushed her away. A woman that had loved me for five years, she wouldn’t just easily cheat. She wouldn’t betray me unless I somehow participated in her pain and loneliness.
Taking responsibility for the situation led me to realize; that I had stopped being the man she loved. I stopped going to bed with her and instead stayed up late to watch movies and play video games. Also, I stopped cooking nice meals and instead let things just happen. I stop being committed to her in the way she needed me to be.
And I didn’t take her out on dates. I wasn’t intimate, despite her pleas for my touch, I pushed her away.
Considering these facts made me see how she would be led into the arms of someone else. Seeing how my behavior played a role, I found empathy her for too.
In some odd way, my introspection helped me to stop blaming her. It helped me stop being a victim. It gave light to a complex subject that isn’t just ‘she cheated, and she’s evil.’ In my desire to escape my suffering, I wanted to see the situation in a way that could help me stop being angry at her.
She Cheated, But I Played A Role Too
During my introspection, I discovered that we both cheated. While she was the one that physically stepped out, I did play a role in the situation. Long before the cheating, I had stopped investing in our relationship. In some way, we both cheated.
Sure, I wasn’t the one who ran into the arms of someone else. I wasn’t the one who lied or hid facts – but I was lazy in our relationship. I was distant, I wasn’t the man she begged me to be, and it hurt my relationship. It gnawed away at the secure love we once had.
Cheating or no cheating – the truth is – we both stopped putting energy into the relationship. Before the cheating, we had both stepped out and stopped being committed to making our love magical.
After lots of introspection, I realized we both cheated. We both stepped out of our commitment and stopped being faithful to love. We lost hope, became lazy, and didn’t do what it takes to make love really thrive.
After She Cheated, The Takeaway
Since my breakthrough, I’ve become a better partner. I understand that if I want a faithful partner, I have to choose someone I completely trust. In the same vein, if I want commitment – I must be committed and really show up for the relationship.
As one teacher told me once, “Love is a verb.” Since being cheated on, I understand that if I want love to work, I have to take daily action to make my relationship secure and loving.
Recovering after infidelity is possible.
If you’ve experienced infidelity in your relationship, mend your relationship with the Save Your Marriage Workbook.
Yall have issues major issues! But what you don’t understand is one of which has been married for 27 years has dealt with so much more than you can ever imagine race two wonderful boys work jobs that never thought possible that had to do in order to make ends meet shift work doubles no end but never did I cheat for my wife my wife’s always been wanting to be in the truth and even lie quite a bit she always made it hard trust caught her cheating for the first time 5 years into the marriage for gave her tried to move on every time I would catch her lie we bring it up then 5 years later she cheated again all of which were times that there’s always those men out there that pray on married women because they have nothing to offer as in they can’t take them out in public on dates they can’t spend them and buy gifts because they can’t hide the gifts from their husband so why not pray on married women I really hope God has a special place for these men and I’m there to see what happens but 10 years went by before the third affair and this one was really hard to swallow but still try to move forward but then the blame starts that she suspects me of cheating it takes it to a whole level of where it’s almost unbearable to justify her cheating and then she asked the audacity to blame me for her affairs in the past sure I might have been an a****** at times who wouldn’t be but I always work hard took care of my family and showed my wife as much affection and interest I could. Again I forgave and I forgave and I forgave and you noticed I said mentioned for Gabe not forgive I forgave her but when she did other things that were dishonest or untruthful it brought up and reminded me of the things that she had done in the past I never could quite forgive her and move on and move past it did the harp on it no not unless it was brought up a reminded me of something new then here comes along this little damn website called Twitter wow wasn’t this made for cheaters you can sit here and talk to men all across the world and they can tell you all these wonderful things that doesn’t mean anything if your husband says because you’ve heard them for over 20 years no matter what do you do there’s always someone out there that can do it better at least over the computer but I find out that they’re years and years that my wife had been communicating with other men and s****** and sending naked pictures and when I confront her about it she blames me it says if you aren’t such an a****** I wouldn’t be talking to other men it really is not cheating I mean I’m just doing it over the computer it’s not real well folks I’m here to tell you it is real it hurts just the bad if not worse to know that they’re being all over this country that have pictures of my wife and situations that I don’t feel are appropriate so before I even know it she moves out and blames me for everything least be here with the kids to take care of but tells everybody we know and everybody around us and that I was the cheater and I drove her into cheating and for her infidelity happened to strictly because of mine I’m lost without her that’s the sad thing all these things that she is done to me you think would be enough for me to move on but I can’t let go I love her more than life itself I really have no idea what to do to move forward in this all I can’t keep thinking about is what I can do to get her back I would love to have someone’s opinion on this thanks
Great article. Really helped on time
My question is, if I cheated with my wife’s sister two days after we were married, does that idea of it takes two to cheat still apply? Did my wife play some role in our marriage getting to the point where I was unhappy and cheated, or even if I was happy when I cheated?
Some people are simply cheaters. No one needs to push
I wish my wife could see how she pushed me into the arms of several other women.