What do I do if my wife yells at me?
Is it normal for my wife to yell at me?
When you first get married, things may seem like sunshine and roses for the first few months. However, once the “honeymoon is over,” it’s normal for emotions to run high from time to time.
I talk to many concerned husbands because their wives say and do things they never expected. One common issue husbands complain about in sessions is how their wife yells. If you’re here, I’m sure this is your concern, and you’d like your wife to stop yelling at you.
Before we proceed, let’s make something clear — it’s not healthy for any spouse to yell. Being screamed at hijacks the recipient and feels abusive. Men and women alike don’t like being yelled at.
While this article focuses on why your wife yells, it’s also good to mention you do not deserve to be yelled at. If this is an issue that you want to be resolved, try reading our suggestions, and please consider doing online couples counseling.
If you consider it abusive to be yelled at, you are absolutely right. Partners should not yell. In case you feel it’s very abusive, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. In this article and our other article, “My Husband Yells At Me” we make the same points. You need to discern if this is something you and your partner can work through.
If you are wondering, “What do I do if my wife keeps yelling at me?” This article can help you understand and get ideas of what to do. We cannot decide for you if it’s gone overboard and if you should contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. We know that spouses sometimes yell, it’s not healthy, but we also understand there’s a line where you can work through it and change. At other times, you need to seek more extreme support. We encourage you to think for yourself.
In cases where you want to know why ‘my wife constantly yells at me’, here are the top reasons wives yell. By understanding why she yells, we can lay the groundwork for how to make it stop.
Table of Contents
A Special Warning
As a husband, I get it. I don’t like it when my wife yells at me.
It works me up. It’s hard on our relationship.
However, it certainly hasn’t reached a point where it’s toxic or abusive.
If that is the case for you, this article is for you to better understand why your wife is acting this way, so you can work together to reduce the yelling.
With the support of a relationship coach, you can find healthier ways to effectively communicate that won’t harm your marriage.
On the other hand, if yelling occurs frequently and includes name-calling, offensive words, or threats of divorce– that’s a whole other situation.
Once yelling reaches the point of abuse, call the Domestic Violence Hotline or reach out for professional help immediately.
Your wife may have reasons for why she yells, but that does not make it ok. You can work to understand her and implement our suggestions and insights, but if she frequently yells and screams at you, we highly advise you to seek professional support. We’re here to support you in changing the toxic dynamics.
In many cases, spouses, especially wives, are amicable to couples coaching, and both partners find it helps them reduce the yelling and eliminate the underlying causes.
Many husbands who read this article report that they’ve tried speaking to their spouse about her screaming. It doesn’t change anything. Being yelled at makes it hard to listen and stay calm. It’s abusive. Screaming derails you as a couple.
Whether it’s a wife or husband who yells, it hijacks and escalates relationship problems.
We hope today’s article helps you get more insight, and if you’d like, feel free to reach out to us for support or look at the Save Your Marriage Course.
Some key reasons your wife may yell at you
(These are the common reasons wives tell us why they yell. Knowing why your wife yells can help reduce and even eliminate the yelling. Typically though, it’s good for you as a couple to get hands-on help. Again, we know clearly from research that yelling is not good for couples. Whether a wife or husband yells, we suggest you get help as a couple).
- She doesn’t feel heard, so she raises her voice.
- She shouts at you because she feels you don’t help enough. Your wife may lose her temper because chores and house stuff don’t feel fair.
- She yells because she feels you didn’t follow through on an agreement or promise. For example, you canceled your date night with her and made other things a priority.
- She has pent-up anger and feels frustrated that you avoid talking and listening to her. If you notice that minor issues escalate quickly, it’s because she’s upset about old unresolved stuff.
- She learned by example. Her caretakers were harsh, abusive, and angry a lot. Please schedule a couple’s consult immediately if this is the case. An article is not enough to resolve why she yells. It’s not enough for you to point this out. You need professional help as a couple. We recommend you start with our Save Your Marriage Training.
- She feels you interrupt or cut her off a lot. As a result, she doesn’t get to share her thoughts and feelings fully. Many reports show that women are spoken over or interrupted more than men.
- She has stopped caring about how it impacts you and feels so much resentment and anger that yelling takes over. We recommend professional intervention if her yelling has become regular or frequent in your house.
Although these confrontations might startle you or make you angry, wives who yell typically do so because they are angry about not feeling heard. Unfortunately, this doesn’t help you to calmly listen or address the issue with her. Both of you changing can help and improve the situation, but it will require that she work on making some changes. Ask her to get help with you. The data shows that if couples work on the causes together the yelling will stop.
Why Does My Wife Yell At Me?
The reasons for your wife getting so upset and yelling at you may seem trivial to you or even silly. However, to her, they’re really not silly at all. This is likely why she yells, and if she is yelling, we recommend that you, as a husband, suggest couples counseling or coaching. You don’t like it when she yells, and the best way to stop it is by getting extra support as a couple.
Couples tend to fight about 3 primary topics: finances, sex, and household responsibilities. However, many women who yell at their husbands about these topics may be harboring anger on a deeper level. It has been my experience that women who take to yelling at their husbands are usually not angry so much as hurt.
7 reasons your wife might be upset
- She could be feeling bad about herself and like she hasn’t accomplished enough in her life. Your wife might be unhappy with her career choice or feel resentful of you because you have a more fulfilling career than she does.
- She may be feeling unattractive, or simply that you don’t find her attractive anymore. She may be worried that she’s getting older and that you are interested in younger, more attractive women.
- She might be concerned that she is not a lot of fun to be around anymore, especially if she is busy working and taking care of the house and the kids. She may be too tired to go out on dates or even stay up late and watch a movie with you. Not to mention, she may hardly ever have the energy and desire for sex anymore.
- Your wife may feel you have lost interest in connecting with her emotionally. As a result, she may believe that your sexual relationship is void of emotional closeness or intimacy.
- She could feel that you don’t really listen to her when she is talking. This is a common complaint of many women. They simply don’t feel heard by their husbands, which in turn, causes them to feel alone in their relationships.
- Your wife might be feeling overwhelmed and doesn’t feel like she’s getting the support she needs. (When I counsel couples, this is the second most common reason wives say they yell.)
How Can I Stop My Wife From Shouting At Me?
The number one thing you can do to stop your wife from shouting at you is to take the time to understand why she is angry. Even if you feel like you listen, the goal here is for her to feel heard and understood.
Our best advice is to get professional support. As a man who is writing this, I know how frustrating it is to have my wife yell. I don’t like it. It’s abusive. That being said, I know that sometimes there are things I do that cause her to get really upset. This doesn’t excuse her yelling, she needs to be responsible for that unhealthy behavior, but I can also see that maybe sometimes I play a role in the situation.
6 ways to stop your wife from shouting at you
- Do not try to fix the situation or give her advice. Women are not looking for someone to solve their problems as much as someone to confide in.
- Take responsibility and ask her to do the same. Both of you need to apologize if you have done something wrong. If you haven’t messed up, you don’t have to apologize, but at least acknowledge her concerns and feelings. Marriage is a two-way street. A woman respects a husband who can take ownership of his part in a given situation.
- Truly listen to what she is trying to say. Everybody needs to feel heard. Additionally, taking the time to let her talk about what she is angry about may help her to figure out what is really bothering her underneath it all. One way to make her feel like you truly hear her is to simply repeat in your own words what you heard her say.
- Do something special for her, like get her flowers or order her favorite meal. Couples always do these nice thoughtful things for each other at the beginning of relationships but often forget later. These thoughtful things can really make your wife feel special and appreciated.
- Show compassion. Try to understand where your wife is coming from and why she might be as upset. This is not a time to argue or get defensive. This is a time to put yourself in her shoes. Just be there!
- Take some of the stress off her plate. If your wife is feeling overwhelmed or stressed, find ways to lighten her load. Make dinner, do the grocery shopping, fix that thing she’s been asking you to. Look for ways you can pitch in in ways she’s been asking for.
- Politely ask her to notice how yelling affects you. We know that sometimes getting an apology shouldn’t require asking for it, but that’s just how marriage and friendship are sometimes. Ask your wife if she’s willing to acknowledge that yelling derails and escalates things.
What do I do if my wife yells at me and I can’t get her to stop?
If you think you’re being abused, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do to stop your wife from shouting at you is to try to understand what is bothering her. For instance, does she feel powerless? Does she have a difficult time trusting you? Getting close to you? Feeling safe?
Has your wife experienced any verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or sexual assault in her lifetime? Does she suffer from PTSD? According to The National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 1 out of 6 women has been a victim of sexual trauma.
In this video, I share how to better communicate in your relationship
Has Your Spouse Been Sexually Abused Or Traumatized?
When a woman has suffered emotional abuse or sexual assault at some point in her lifetime, she will most likely suffer from some long-term after-effects. Unfortunately, these effects or symptoms can be quite debilitating.
I say this with great caution because I don’t want you to assume her past traumas are why she yells. Even if she has been traumatized or assaulted, she could yell more for one of the reasons above (like she doesn’t feel heard by you).
Some of the symptoms of abuse and trauma can have a negative effect on relationships.
How being assaulted can affect men and women
- Having the inability to trust in relationships.
- Not feeling safe in an intimate relationship.
- Not being able to express or receive love.
- Feeling inadequate.
- Struggle to control feelings of jealousy.
- Feeling misunderstood.
- Feeling lonely.
How Do I Deal With An Angry Wife?
If you are thinking, “My wife snaps at me all the time, ” the last thing you want is to get angry and yell back. We know how hard that is. Ideally, neither of you screams. If you yell back, then neither of you will have the wherewithal to think rationally.
Sadly, if you yell and she yells, it only makes both of you escalate. If you want your wife to stop yelling, you’ll need another tool. Instead, understand the emotional triggers and how to stay in what is known as the window of tolerance. If both of you learn this, it will reduce the yelling, running, or big fights.
You can ask her to read this article. Ending this pattern will require both of you. If you lead the way and get her on board to change, you can hopefully support your marriage to become better
The window of tolerance refers to a place where you can soothe yourselves before you both lose the ability to regulate your emotional responses. This is as important to self-care as it is to the care of your relationship.
When you pass this safe window, the nervous system kicks into full gear, and emotions become more difficult to regulate. This is when you may have heard that people react with an emotional emergency response such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
- Fight – yelling, screaming, kicking, hitting, calling names
- Flight – isolating, withdrawing emotionally or physically, “the silent treatment”
- Freeze – depression, self-loathing, guilt
- Fawn – pleasing others on auto-pilot
What Does Yelling Do To A Marriage?
When things become heated, you become inhibited in your ability to think clearly and act rationally. This is when you and your wife both risk saying things you wish you hadn’t said. Yelling doesn’t help. You and your wife know that. While you’re working on changing, you can also request that if she’s getting worked up she take a break. You can hit pause, calm down, and then as a couple, return to the conversation. The outcome will be much better if you two work on this together.
“Don’t say something you might regret.” We’ve all either said this or heard this at one time or another. So you ask, “What does yelling do to a marriage?” Well, it’s not the yelling, in and of itself, that causes the problems. However, the yelling that elevates your blood pressure raises your body temperature and takes you to a whole different level physiologically. As your body’s physiological levels are affected, it becomes harder to regulate your emotional responses.
What Should I Do When My Wife Yells At Me?
For starters, there is something you shouldn’t do when your wife starts yelling at you. You should not yell back when your wife starts yelling at you. Beyond that, learning and implementing effective communication skills is the best thing you can do.
What do I do if my wife yells at me – 7 Steps
Here are 7 simple anger management guidelines you can follow when your wife yells at you to keep the fire from getting out of control:
- Walk away – remember, when tempers flare, things can get heated. Learn to walk away and cool off before you try and talk about what is bothering you. You can say, “I need to take a little cool-off break.”
- Respond to criticism with empathy instead of becoming defensive.
- Take responsibility for anything that you may have done.
- Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. They are less accusatory. This and other simple communication skills, such as re-stating what you have heard or asking open-ended questions, can be learned through couples counseling. Further, these are invaluable skills when you are dealing with anger issues.
- Look for a way to resolve the situation or make a compromise.
- Don’t give up. Marriage is like a job you must keep working at to reap the rewards.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. The Save Your Marriage Workbook is a productive way to sort out the question, “What should I do when my wife yells at me?”
To start building healthier communication patterns in your relationship, get support with the Save Your Marriage Course. Stop the yelling and have a harmonious relationship again.
Share – Can you relate to your wife yelling?
thank you so much for this article. it is excellent.
From the same site when I search “why’s my husband yelling at me?” It straight up accuses the husband of domestic violence and abuse. The audacity!
We appreciate your feedback anonymous. We always strive for fairness in balance in how we write, suggest, or offer support. Can you help us see what you mean? With both articles we worked to be careful in saying, yelling is abusive and if you think it’s gone to an extreme and think it’s abusive please call the domestic hotline – but we also worked carefully to suggest that not all yelling warrants such extremes and instead calls each partner to improve their communication, their ownership for the issues of yelling (husband and wife alike), and though we don’t condone or think yelling is good and is actually detrimental to healthy partnership – we also know it happens and here are some causes. then throughout the article at different points we say, please gauge for yourself if it’s gone beyond what you can work with and if you at all think it’s abusive call the DV hotline. Our other suggestion is to hire a professional to help you discern and address this toxic relationship issue. We hope that helps and please do let us know what you might suggest we say or how we might phrase our articles better. We are human and very open to helpful suggestions, criticisms, and feedback. Feel free to write your suggestions or email us via our contact page.
I get the purpose of this article is to give advice on how to resolve these situations however the way its coming across seems to put the man completely at fault for that behavior, like men some women can just be a bad person(this is not limited to the person you’ve chosen to marry) and while these methods may be helpful in some situations I don’t think that they’re helpful in the case in which a woman is just an aggressive and argumentative individual, in those cases which seem to be becoming more and more common there’s nothing a man can do to remedy the problem, and any response will just worsen it.
Great points. I fully agree. We know it needs to be edited some. The goal was to cover one element, main aspects of one angle. But it’s also important to add points like – what if I try to be an active listener, am patient but wife won’t work on her anger and yelling…with close to 100 articles here, it’s definitely important for us to review content and continually make it better and better rounded. That being said, many men do need to consider their roles in escalating, upsetting and not seeing their wife’s view. BUT the article needs to offer some compassion to the husbands that are trying and still seems like their wife isn’t owning their half — that they yell and it makes it hard for husband to hear or not feel attacked or hurt.
Here are possible reasons why your wife might verbally abuse you:
1. It’s your fault.
2. It’s your fault.
3. It’s your fault.
4. It’s your fault.
Remember: Normally women verbally abuse you because YOU are the problem and have to change.
Men arent always the problem. Some womem di have issues as man can
Ok, I get it……but.
I cannot walk away every time or be the one to de-escalate every time. Why is always the man’s responsibility to change depending on how the woman feels or acts.
If she treats me with respect, I will do the same. If she is rude or mean to me I feel pointing it out is completely appropriate. And maybe it is her who should walk away since she is having trouble with her emotions?
Some good advice here – it’s a tricky situation indeed. Please keep up the good work and keep developing the blog.
This is a fucking joke. Yelling this reasons is not good enough. It is abusive behavior. Women can be verbally and emotionally abusive too. Maybe you should include info on that too.
I fully get how you feel. Women and men alike can be abusive. Being yelled at doesn’t help you, and it feels/is abusive. Our goal here was to give you tips on what to do, but you are right, we needed to add a bit about how it makes you feel and the reality that being yelled at is abusive (and while you work to change, she also needs to make some changes, but the article is mostly focused on what you can do as a husband, but we added a bit to round it off a bit). We went ahead and added a bit to do that (unfortunately, this is a blog article and not a book so a few paragraphs is all we can add without getting too long winded for the usefulness/focus on the article). I appreciate your feedback, and hope the changes speak to your feelings a bit better. Thanks for adding your comment Matthew.
How to get your wife to stop yelling at you:
1. Ghost her ☠️
So basically what youre saying is its the husbands fault he is being subjected to abusive behaviour!
If that is how you feel, we either didn’t make it clear enough that yelling is abusive and not ok (please notice we mention that a few times). Since the article subject is about ‘what husbands can do’ we tried to be direct in advise. That in no way means you should accept her yelling. She should read this article too because we say it’s abusive, you two need to take breaks when yelling occurs, and you two as a couple need to tackle this as a team. You shouldn’t take it, and whatever is making her yell might also be a clue that there’s something you’re doing (not listening, being dismissive, saying offensive things…) Her yelling is NOT OK and it’s not healthy. If you and her wish to change what’s making the yelling and abuse occur, you ultimately have to do it as a couple. The goal here though is to give husbands suggestions (hence the title and focus). We’ll work to create an article that we can link about her yelling, what she can do, and help her see that it’s not helping you as a husband. Don’t accept it, see if you can be a team to tackle this issue. Quite often the best step is to do online or in person couple’s counseling so her issues and your issues can be resolved so the yelling and whatever is causing her to yell can be resolved. Thank you for leaving your response. I hope you also notice that we made a few changes to try to improve the article and speak to what you’ve pointed out to us (that this article feels as if we’re saying to accept her yelling, which is not what we want to encourage).
It’s verbal abuse. The wife was screaming because she kept lots of pain inside of her. She rather scream than fight back physically.