Knowing when to walk away after infidelity is hard.
Even though being cheated on hurts immensely, it makes sense that you are wondering if it’s possible to hang on.
Statistically, some couples do stay together after an act of infidelity. In fact, some couples can move forward and make their relationship even stronger. As one of the leading voices on infidelity healing, Esther Perel says any couple can turn this painful experience into an opportunity.
That path toward healing isn’t easy, but I’ve seen many couples make the journey.
Even when one or both people have cheated, it’s possible to repair the relationship.
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Healing from infidelity
If you’re reading this post, it’s likely you are in one of the following spots in the discovery and helping journey:
1. Recently discovered your partner has cheated.
2. Your partner cheated some time ago, and the trust/connection has fractured.
3. There have been multiple events of infidelity, and you’re wondering if it’s time to call it quits.
4. You’ve been trying to heal, but you’re still hurting.
Wherever you are in the infidelity recovery journey, you are here because you’re having difficulty deciding if you should stay and work on things or walk away.
Related Article: How to Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship
As much as you might feel like a fool for sticking around, it’s understandable. You are not alone on this journey. Research shows that roughly 30% to 40% of couples have or will have infidelity problems. Some of those couples work through them. Others do not.
I know this is a hard place to be.
It’s Not Easy to Walk Away After Infidelity
You’re here to figure out if you should stay or leave.
Right now, you’re probably thinking:
• Is it worth it to stay around?
• Can I trust my partner to change?
• Do couples heal after infidelity?
• How soon is too soon to give up?
• How long is too long to stick around?
These are tough questions to answer and often require some hands-on coaching.
While people around you might be telling you to leave, maybe you feel otherwise. It’s normal to feel hopeful but also to be confused about what to do. While people around you might advise you to leave, they don’t know about the intricacies of your love and what led to the infidelity.
The decision is yours, and knowing when to walk away or stay after infidelity can be hard.
Related Article: Does Counseling Help After Infidelity?
It’s essential to read this article carefully–this big decision demands that you take some time to honor the process, your needs, and wants, and then decide for yourself what is best.
Reasons to Walk Away After Infidelity
• He isn’t willing to seek extra relationship support.
• Your partner isn’t doing anything to repair the damage.
• She isn’t capable of taking responsibility for hurting you.
• He continues to be unfaithful despite assuring you otherwise.
• Your partner still carries relationships associated with infidelity.
• She acts as if nothing happened and continues to downplay it.
• After your husband cheated, he minimizes your feelings and refuses to hear you out.
• Your partner blames you and won’t take responsibility.
Now that you’ve quickly glanced at the list, let’s go deeper into the top reasons to walk away after infidelity.
The list above are reasons why partners leave, and now I’d like to share the top reasons that likely signal your need to walk away after infidelity.
When You Want Help After an Infidelity, But He Doesn’t
Just like the average person cannot fix a major issue with their vehicle, most couples can’t resolve the root problems that lead to a dysfunctional relationship.
Related Article: Surviving Infidelity
Couples who try to heal without help will not do well
This may sound harsh, but research shows that couples who do not seek help have a slim chance of recovering alone. Furthermore, couples who don’t get help will not find their way back to a healthy connection.
If your partner is unwilling to get help, one of you will likely walk away, or you will stay dissatisfied together.
When two people are serious about working out their issues, they get help. Conversely, when your partner doesn’t allow help, it’s a good sign that you may need to walk away.
Getting to the root cause of what happened and learning how to transmute that pain into something positive requires extra support. Couples have all kinds of issues, most of which can heal. For example, even though infidelity is one of the more difficult offenses, many couples have recovered and created great relationships.
When our partner is unwilling to view infidelity with the same severity as a life-threatening illness, it signals danger.
As I tell my clients, anyone who wants to create excellence and mastery gets help. And if you want a great relationship, some experts can help you get there.
Related: Does Marriage Counseling Help After Infidelity?
Walk Away After Infidelity if Your Partner Keeps Cheating
There’s a toxic saying in the world that goes something like this:
“Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
This mantra is dangerous–people can change, couples can heal, and traumatic events can become launch pads for great relationships.
Not everyone who cheats will continue to do so, but if they do, then it’s clear that they do not want to help the relationship heal.
The path to recovery from any trauma requires eliminating the source of pain. Infidelity hurts immensely, and a person who doesn’t stop may not fully respect what it does to their partner.
When your partner is unwilling to stop cheating, it’s akin to a smoker on life support continuing to smoke. There is no way things can get better if your partner continues to cheat.
If you want to work on things, but your partner won’t stop being unfaithful, it might be a sign for you to make a dramatic change.
What to Do if Your Partner Keeps Cheating
It’s time to put your foot down.
This is an excellent place to advise that, at a minimum, you move out.
Things will never get better as long as infidelity continues.
In working with my clients, I have found that recovery requires that the other partner create firm boundaries when one partner is repeatedly cheated on. If your partner won’t honor you, it’s time for you to take your power back.
Sometimes, I’ve seen partners move in with other family members. Then, one person moves out until the other agrees to couples’ coaching or counseling. One woman I worked with told her husband’s parents, causing him to feel ashamed.
In no way am I advising the above examples; instead, I am pointing you towards self-respect. It’s time to either walk away or set new boundaries that show you mean business.
When your partner keeps cheating, it’s a red flag that you are also not strong enough in your requests and boundaries.
If Your Partner Only Blames You, Walk Away
For infidelity to become a launchpad into something better, the root issues need addressing.
Taking responsibility for stepping out and breaking the trust is the first step.
This journey to recovery will need to be a joint effort, but the cheater must own that when taking responsibility for cheating.
When your partner is unwilling to accept that they hurt you and broke your trust, it is impossible to move forward.
I’ve counseled over a thousand couples, and I have yet to find one pair who skipped over this step. It’s not possible.
Your healing demands ownership from your partner.
They must be willing to take accountability and say, “I hurt someone I love and want to fix it.”
Before we move on, let me prepare you for something that may scare you.
Later in turning things around, both people will need to own specific root issues. But that journey starts with reducing blame and increasing ownership.
If your partner blames you and won’t own their part, it’s an indicator that it’s either time to get support or possibly walk away.
In this video, I talk about the dangers of blame and how to get back to love
To Save the Relationship After Infidelity
You may or may not want to hear this.
Saving a relationship after infidelity isn’t easy; it takes a lot of work.
Your partner may have stepped out, but you will have to take specific steps if you two want to save the relationship.
Suppose you both decide to follow the path to get on track. In that case, the trauma can become a springboard for a new and healthier relationship.
If your partner is willing to own the damage they caused and is ready to get help, there is a chance of healing.
I know you’re suffering right now.
When trying to decide if you should walk away or stay after the infidelity, you’ll likely bounce around between wanting to stay and wanting to leave.
The yo-yo effect of hope, hopelessness, pain, feeling betrayed, and wanting to save the relationship is normal. Unfortunately, that up and down happens to a relationship after infidelity.
Finding someone who can help you navigate the road ahead is the fastest route to recovery. I have seen many couples recover, heal, and rekindle the relationship and even transform it into something better than before.
If you would like to learn more about what it takes to find the root causes of infidelity, stop the cycles that make your relationship suffer, and learn how to have a great relationship again, check out these resources:
Get the couples training to help you recover, heal, and feel connected again. Learn about the root causes of all relationship problems and how to get the love back in your relationship.
Book a free couples consultation.
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