When You Hurt Someone You Love Here’s What To Do

When you hurt someone you love, it hurts.

If you’re asking yourself, “I hurt my husband emotionally, how do I fix it?” or “How do I mend things after hurting my wife?” know that you’re not alone.

As humans, we have this terrible habit – of hurting others. Most often, it’s not intentional. But when it happens, it creates a gap in the relationship.

When we hurt someone, or someone hurts us, there is usually one way to heal the hurt and repair the relationship. That way is doing it together through a process I’ll describe with my 5-step process for healing after we’ve hurt someone.

This related article answers the question, “What to do when you are hurt by someone you love?” When Someone You Love Hurts You

5 Steps For What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love

If you’re thinking, “I hurt someone very badly,” it’s normal to feel lost and unsure of what to do next.

Whether you’re dealing with clients, staff, your kids, your family members, your partner/spouse, or someone you barely know – the cleanup work looks the same.

Making amends after unintentionally hurting the ones you love always follows the same process.

Though we often resist going back, our ability to clean up the hurts we’ve caused is one of the signs of healthy relationships. The sooner we can mend the hurt we’ve caused, the sooner we can move forward and have a healthy and happy relationship.

The more time the other person feels hurt and angry, the more likely it becomes a more significant issue. As soon as possible, do the clean-up work and follow these steps to make it smoother.

So, how do we come back and talk about a wound caused after the fact?

How do you start rebuilding intimacy when your partner is heartbroken?

How do you move forward after unintentionally or intentionally hurting someone you love?

If you’re wondering how to deal with hurting someone you love, this article will help you find those answers.

Step one: Use a gentle approach to fix things

When you hurt someone’s feelings, the first step is gently approaching them.

Go and check in. Start with a phrase like, “I’m sorry I hurt you. Can we talk? I’d like to fix what happened.” This works for couples trying to fix a broken marriage and with friends, family, and co-workers.

According to Dr. John and Julie Gottman, when couples discuss a problem, it’s the first two minutes that matter most. This is why starting with a gentle approach works best. In the first two minutes, we can show empathy and help the person we’ve hurt know that we’re sorry and want to fix things.

In unhealthy and abusive relationships, people ignore the issues and don’t talk about them.

In healthy relationships, each person works to improve the relationship by learning from past heartbreak and mistakes.

You make an effort not to repeat the same patterns you may have had in a past relationship.

If you want to succeed in these crucial minutes, pay close attention to how you bring up a problem in your own life.

What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love? Pay Attention.

Next comes how we pay attention and listen to the emotions expressed by our romantic partner, family member, or best friend.

If you’ve hurt someone and start by addressing the problem with a combative attitude, it will likely lead to further conflict and make the situation worse. It won’t work out well if someone tells you they feel slighted, and you don’t empathize and listen.

Start with the gentle method I showed you, and then follow my next steps.

If someone responds to your request to talk by sharing that they feel sad because of hurtful words you said or a broken promise – you can help create healing by acknowledging that person.

Even if we don’t agree, we don’t have to launch into our own thoughts and feelings about the situation.

We can temporarily set aside our own pain in order to tune into our partner and better understand their perspective.

It can be challenging to know how to comfort someone you hurt or how to respond when someone tells you that you hurt them.

Oftentimes, the best thing to do is simply listen. Take a deep breath and say, “I hear you are feeling hurt. I am sorry about that. Please tell me more.”

Those few simple phrases are incredibly powerful and make just about anyone drop their defenses and make them willing to open up. But once they open up, you’ll need some other tools. Otherwise, it’s very easy for your own emotions to take over, which may lead to an argument.

Step two: Acknowledge what you’ve heard; it’ll de-escalate any situation  

We can easily de-escalate any painful emotions by merely acknowledging that we’ve heard our partner, friend, or coworker who feels hurt.

In Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s iconic book, Nonviolent Communication, he explains how powerful it is to simply acknowledge the painful emotions of the person hurt by us. It’s simple, powerful, and helps to create healing quickly.

What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love? Acknowledge Them.

We can acknowledge what we’ve heard by simply saying a phrase such as, “I hear that you feel (insert the emotion you heard).” Noting the emotion we heard the person express is like putting a pin in a balloon. It deescalates the situation. If you’re not well-versed in the language of emotions, let me share some common negative feelings that people tend to feel when there’s a problem.

A few common emotions are; hurt, frustration, anger, upset, or sad. If you’d like to master the art of listening profoundly, please read Dr. Rosenberg’s book. It’s worth its weight in gold.

To summarize the method, here are the steps of what to do when you hurt someone’s feelings:

Start by acknowledging that you’re aware you hurt the other person.

Tell the other person that you’d like to mend the wounds. You’d like to hear from them about how you can make things better. Let them know you’re aware there was some bad behavior that you’d like to change.

Ask if they’re open to fixing the problem. And if they’d allow you to listen to how they feel.

Listen to their response. Listen closely to the emotions.

Acknowledge their hurt feelings and the ways that your behavior affected them.

Taking responsibility for your actions shows your partner that you care about their perspective.

Follow up with questions and work to acknowledge their emotions and side of the issue.

Step three: Ask questions to move the healing along 

When we hear someone feels slighted by us, it’s easy to think we know what they mean.

However, assuming that we can read the other person’s mind is the wrong mindset to have.

It’s easy to react to what we’re hearing and what we think we heard, but oftentimes what we hear and what the other person is saying isn’t the same.

No matter how well I know what I heard, I’ve experienced misinterpreting on too many occasions to know better now. Instead of reacting, try asking a few questions. Use relationship check-in questions to help repair.

For a step-by-step guide to relationship check-ins, as well as a year-long relationship journal, pick up the Relationship Workbook.

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In my experience, I’ve found that it’s pretty normal to hear one thing but have the other mean something else. In the same vein, I’ve also experienced someone reacting to one thing and later finding out they were upset about something completely unrelated.

What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love? Empathize.

Empathizing and repeating what you’ve heard is the first line of de-escalation. Now, you can bring deeper clarity by asking questions. The key to healing is being heard and feeling like someone cares.

If our friend says, “I feel upset that you didn’t show up on time yesterday,” we can empathize and start the healing process. We can clarify with questions, and soon we can ask, “What is that you need?”

Asking questions shows we’re invested and interested in finding a solution. It shows we’re engaged in the process of resolving the issue.

When we empathize, we let the other person know we care, and when we ask questions, we communicate a deep sense of “I care.” That caring is the ultimate healing balm essential to fully helping sanitize the emotional hurt caused.

Step four: Ask what the need is 

Even though your partner may be feeling broken right now does not mean that they are a broken person.

Feeling emotionally broken points to an underlying need.

When someone says, “I feel upset that you said that to me,” they also say, “I have this need.” If we empathize and ask questions, we’ll often be able to find the need that is there, but not always, and by using questions, we can hear directly from our partner (coworker or friend). It’s likely they are trying to communicate something important about their personal limits, boundaries, or needs.

No healing conversation is complete until we hear what the other person needs. We open the pathway to resolving the problem when we ask what is needed.

What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love

Helping heal a past wound that we’ve caused is simple. It isn’t always easy, but it is simple. Empathize, ask questions, and ask what is needed.

Step five: If nothing changes, seek professional help

If you’re struggling to heal after hurt and move forward in your lives, reach out for professional support.

Your partner may still be holding onto hurt or anger, or you may be having a difficult time coping with the guilt of hurting somebody

As a relationship coach and marriage counselor, couples hire me to help them improve their communication.

Mending wounds isn’t always a two-person job; it takes the eye of a mental health professional.

If you try the steps above and struggle to find a solution, it might be time to consider hiring a professional.

While you may be wondering how to stop hurting the one you love, there isn’t a magic solution to do so.

The sad truth is that despite your desire to not cause your partner pain anymore, you are a human being, and nobody’s perfect.

There is no surefire way to make sure you don’t hurt the same person again. In fact, you most likely will.

However, in marriage counseling, you will learn the tools for repairing conflicts and mending hurts more quickly and with more ease.

No matter where in the world you’re at – I can help.

If you’re seeking a relationship coach or marriage counselor online – I am here to help. If you look at my Yelp Reviews page or my Google Reviews – you’ll find that I am highly rated.

We meet via Zoom, on your schedule, without a commute. Book a free marriage consultation today and start repairing your relationship.

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What happens when you really hurt someone?

The hurt you cause to someone can have a wide range of negative impacts, including emotional distress, broken trust, communication breakdowns, and damage to the relationship. The person you hurt badly may experience sadness, anger, betrayal, confusion, disappointment, low self-esteem, and even trauma, especially if they have been hurt so many times. They may undergo a grieving process where they mourn the trust and safety that has been lost.

What to do when you hurt someone you love?

If you’re wondering how to reconnect with someone you hurt, these steps can help. 1. Use a gentle approach to fix things. 2. Acknowledge what you’ve heard; it’ll de-escalate any situation. 3. Ask questions to move the healing along. 4. Ask what the need is. 5. If nothing changes, seek professional help. 6. It’s normal to feel bad after hurting someone you love. As you’re making sense of what happened, give yourself grace and engage in self-care.

How to show someone you love them after hurting them?

If you’re wondering how to prove your love to someone you hurt, approach them with sincerity and empathy. Show your love and emotional support through gestures of kindness and consideration. These acts can help demonstrate your commitment to making things better. Healing takes time and requires a genuine desire to mend the relationship and ensure similar hurt doesn’t happen again.

What to say when you hurt someone you love?

When you have hurt someone you love, the first step is to acknowledge what you did and the pain it caused. Take a few deep breaths and let your partner know that you genuinely regret hurting them. Use phrases like “I’m truly sorry for what I’ve done” or “I deeply regret my actions.” Accept responsibility for your actions without making excuses or deflecting blame. Avoid saying things like “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Express empathy by acknowledging how they might be feeling. For instance, say, “I can imagine how much I’ve hurt you, and I’m truly sorry for causing you that pain.” Give them the space to express their feelings and concerns in the present moment. Listen actively without interrupting or getting defensive. Validate their emotions by saying, “I understand why you’re upset.”

21 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    how to heal after your boyfriend cheated on you?

    Reply
    • Luis Congdon

      That is a big and wonderful question that we work with regularly. First, he can’t keep apologizing, instead he has to learn some new skills to learn to hear how much you feel hurt, betrayed, and that you need him to understand you. Next, you two need to undo some patterns that are high predictors of infidelity – 1) Avoiding conflict or hard conversations. This is usually present prior to infidelity. 2) Inability to have healthy open disclosure. If you or both of you feel that you can’t share yourselves, dreams, fears, sadness, and hurts then we want to work on that. I’d highly recommend checking out some of our articles, here is a whole page that features our articles on infidelity (emotional and physical) and how to heal: https://lastingloveconnection.com/infidelity-in-marriage/

      Feel free to reach out to us for a consultation is you’d like as well. This is work and topic can be tough to work with purely through articles and videos. If it feels right, we are happy to be of assistance (it’s a big chunk of our work here).

      Reply
  2. Carmen Sotelo

    Hi i need help with my relationship
    My husband is very hurt and ignores me punishes me by not talking to me by leaving me out of his life he doesnt comunicante with me i dont know what to do he is still here but he is absent we sleep in different rooms and punishes me with Not having sex please help let me know ehwn csn i have an appointment via zoom and how can i pay for the consultation
    Thank you

    Reply
      • Bill

        I’ve hurt my girlfriend the love of my life with suttle things over 3 plus years. She broke up with me because I was so selfish. She doesn’t believe or trust me when I say this will never happen again

        Reply
        • Luis Congdon

          Hi Bill – I am sorry to hear that you’re experiencing a challenge with reconciling. I understand you’ve apologized, and sadly, after we hurt and break the trust of someone, apologies account for about 5-10% of the recovery. The other big chunk is actually about listening to our partner regarding how we hurt them, taking time to hear and make them feel understood, and then asking what the person needs from us. Typically, the request will be, “listen to me, hear me, make me feel there’s space for this pain…and quite often that process is helped immensely with professional help. I will say, apologizing typically doesn’t do a lot because some things fall under the, ‘if you were sorry you wouldn’t have done it.’ So, the solution is more about creating emotional connection, and safety that allows the other person to share, and to open up so they felt heard and then you can get that what researchers call ’emotional attunement.’

          Reply
  3. De

    He said some very hurtful things and apologized the next morning when I confronted him. Thing is, I’m still very hurt and angry and don’t feel like it’s my job to forgive right now just to soothe his feelings. Once “I forgive you” is said, there’s an expectation to move on from that and I don’t want to move on [like it never happened]. Too often “sorry” is thrown around without change. I need time to feel this, process this, and determine what I need. Society has conditioned women to be nurturers even when she needs nurturing.

    Reply
  4. Amber

    What should we do tge other person tells us about something we did thay hurt them in an extremely disrespectful hurting way but we still say sorry . However the harshness of the words don’t go away and if we discuss with them about it , they start bashing us more such as oh so u need time to calm down? Go take ur time etc

    Reply
    • Jane

      I’m interested in this topic as well. Things get difficult when the other person expresses their emotions in hurtful, mean ways. Hurt people often hurt people. And things in relationships are rarely clear-cut on one side. What about when they are partially at fault, too?

      Reply
  5. Renee Wilson

    I went out with and sent inappropriate text messages to a married man for 4 years. We both lied to his wife and hurt her deeply. I want to apologize to his wife.

    Reply
    • Steve chaney

      I have constantly hurt and got caught cheating on my babymoma now that I’m seriously wanting to be only with her and nobody else she doesn’t believe me, how do I make her know I’m serious

      Reply
  6. Monique

    I’ve done all that; I said something and apologized and all of the steps. But how do I feel better? I feel terrible about what I said to them.

    Reply
    • Luis Congdon

      You apologized and they forgave you? If so, it’s time to forgive yourself. Doing that isn’t always easy, but if I assume they forgave you — now it’s up to you to forgive yourself. You’re human, you mess up sometimes (all of us do), and now it’s time to heal and use that mistake to learn. One way I found to use that pain is to get clear on what you need to do so you don’t lose it like that again. For me, I sought help to help me manage my feelings and reactions better.

      Reply
      • Chandra Ewell

        I’ve hurt someone I love very much I’ve said I’m sorry but he thinks I don’t care and that I know I hurt him

        Reply
    • Chandra Ewell

      I hurt my boyfriend and I’ve said I’m sorry he thinks I don’t care and he thinks that I don’t know I hurt him I just want to express to him that I do care and I do understand that I hurt him

      Reply
  7. Steven

    What do i do when i repeatedly push things off and hurt people are the closet too me and don’t realise till im told

    Reply
    • Steven

      But when i am told i realise what i did wasn’t right and i don’t know why at the time i thought it was

      Reply
  8. matilda kwangw

    wise wordz,but if the other person sayz thy dnt want to talk abt it,what do l do?

    Reply
    • Luis Congdon

      You could ask why they don’t want to talk about it.

      It’s common people don’t want to talk about a topic because history has shown it creates issues or they’re afraid it will. This is why asking what the fear might be can be useful.

      Reply
  9. Eduardo Alvear

    Save for discussion.

    Reply

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Lasting Love Connection offers top-ranked couples counseling services. Luis Congdon and Kamala Chambers are co-founders and co-authors of all that Lasting Love Connection offers. They have worked with thousands of couples nationwide via dynamic video coaching sessions and have features in Huffington Post, Inc Magazine, TEDx, Forbes, and Chicago Tribune.

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