Does Couples Counseling Work For Cheating? Get Support

“Does couples counseling work for cheating?”

Andrea and Tom came into my office with one question:

The infidelity had taken a toll on their relationship. 

Despite their friends and family saying their relationship needed to end – Andrea and Tom came to see me because they still had hope.

Like most couples who have cheating issues, they weren’t sure if their marriage was over.

If you’re wondering how counseling can help after an affair or if it can help, let me tell you that couples can recover after an affair.

Couples counseling does work to help couples recover from issues of cheating. It’s not easy, it’s not guaranteed, but a couple can recover with the right commitment and a good counselor.

Does Couples Counseling Work For Cheating When…

Sitting with Andrea and Tom, the first step was to get them talking.

Most times, when couples suffer from infidelity, it’s because they’ve lost their connection.

Quite often in sessions, it’ll come out that

• The couple doesn’t go out on date nights anymore
• It’s been months or even years since they’ve intimately connected
• One or both partners don’t feel appreciated
• One or both partners avoid being around each other
• There’s a pile of issues that have built up over the years (and the couple doesn’t know how to talk about issues from the past)
• There are many hidden fantasies and hidden shame around desires, hopes, dreams, and fears
• The couple has stopped putting the relationship first, and instead, work and kids have taken priority (leaving the relationship to last)

For any couple trying to recover from infidelity, the first step is to open up the lines of communication. Unfortunately, this is usually quite difficult for the couple because talking after an affair isn’t easy. One partner wants to avoid talking about it, and the other can’t stop thinking about what happened…

When I sit with any couple, I find it helpful to help them understand that infidelity is a symptom of a relationship that has lost its closeness. But, like fruit on a tree is good or bad because of the soil, the cheating was a cause of something deeper. As a marriage counselor, I wanted to find out the root cause.

Having worked with hundreds of couples, I know that cheating often looks like the main issue – but it’s not.

Quite often, cheating is an issue of

• Lack of connection
• Lack of communication
• There is a lack of fun and excitement together
• Lack of understanding
• Avoidance of problems
• Lack of skills to talk openly
• Accumulated problems that have sat dormant for years.

Talking is the first step. Next, it helps the couple see that cheating was a symptom of more significant root issues.

Related Article: When To Walk Away After Infidelity

Cheating Is A Symptom Of Something Bigger

Andrea and Tom had become disconnected, lost the passionate romance, and had become more like roommates.

Tom worked long days, and Andrea stayed at home taking care of the kids. 

As I listened, I recalled my run-in with a partner who cheated on me and what I learned (if you’d like to read about my experience, here’s my article, She Cheated).

Shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Andrea recounted how she found Tom was cheating. For a while, she suspected he was hiding something. He had locked his phone, started taking phone calls privately, stayed at work late, and didn’t spend as much time with her…and their sex life was practically non-existent.

Tears streamed down her face as she shared the story of betrayal. 

By the time she was done talking, she said:

“I don’t know if couple’s counseling will work to help us after the cheating – but I want to try. I don’t know how to forgive him, but I want to try.”

Tom swore he wanted to rebuild the trust, and though Andrea wanted to believe him, she felt wrong for it. He had done the worst thing, and yet, despite it all, she wanted to try to forgive him. For the sake of their marriage, good memories, and kids, she wanted to try to work things out. 

For Tom, it was as if things could work themselves out. He had admitted it, said it wouldn’t happen again…but for Andrea, the cheating made her feel betrayed, not wanted, and deeply hurt.

What Does It Take To Recover After An Affair

I told them it would take lots of work. They nodded and agreed but said they would be willing to do whatever it took. They wanted to stay together.

Given how much work couples need to rebuild trust, couples counseling only works with a big commitment.

In our sessions, I informed them that Tom would have to work hard to regain her trust. And Andrea would have to learn to trust him again. But, since I’d sat with couples who recovered from infidelity before, I knew that if the couple (especially Tom) were willing to do the work – couples therapy could help them save their marriage.  

Surviving infidelity is possible.

Commitments That Help Couples Recover From Infidelity

Couples don’t quickly recover from cheating.

A couple’s counselor can help the couple to open up, share what led to the cheating, and help guide the couple through undoing the knots that led to the betrayal.

Some of the commitments that every couple recovering needs to make

• A promise and commitment to learning to become transparent and share honestly
• New levels of trust are built (and even a willingness to your partner access to each other’s phone, email, and other data).
• Creating more connections again. Doing date nights is one thing I always suggest (but not right away).
• Commit to a couple’s program to keep them focused (Andrea and Tom did my Break Patterns Program).
• Both partners start checking in more often to rebuild the trust
• A promise to vulnerably share what hurt them in the past
• Spending more time together as a couple and as a family

As a marriage counselor, I know that when a wife or husband cheats, it is often a symptom of a bigger problem. Infidelity happens when couples lose their ability to connect, keep the romance, and stay open with one another. By making certain agreements, as Tom and Andrea did in our sessions, they began working to repair their broken marriage.

You’re Not Alone. Many Couples Have Had Infidelity And Recover

Statistically, infidelity has increased, and a high percentage of couples report issues with infidelity.

The data and my own experience tell me it’s likely you know a few couples who have had infidelity issues (and are quietly suffering because of cheating or hired a counselor to help them get through it). 

When I talk to other couples therapists, they all agree – affair recovery is possible and healing from issues of infidelity. However, it’s not easy, and it’s best with the help of a professional who can help the couple walk the steps to get back on track. 

After cheating, rebuilding trust and confidence in the relationship is hard.

Quite often, couples can’t do this alone.

If you’re reading this and have had infidelity issues in your relationship and wish to return from it, please be aware that it will take an immense amount of work. The effects of infidelity take an enormous toll on the relationship, mental health, and the health of a relationship.

If you’re asking yourself, “Does couples counseling work for cheating?” I can tell you that it can and does work to help couples recover. It has worked for numerous couples who have come into my office. Some of those couples have left me 5 Star reviews on Yelp and Google. 

In my work with couples, the first thing we do is talk about what happened. Unearth the pain that a partner who was cheated on feels. Next, go over the impact, and from there, work to open communication again. Opening up about significant issues and the small things that led to infidelity takes work.

It’s possible to heal and fix your broken marriage. If you’d like to recover from cheating in your relationship, I suggest you give me a call. I’ve worked with hundreds of couples on issues such as these, and I can tell you now – rebuilding trust, safety, and love again aren’t likely to happen without hiring an expert to support you through the process. 

To speak with me and even book a complimentary consultation.

What Happened To Andrea And Tom

As for Andrea and Tom, they took the steps necessary. Tom worked hard to rebuild the broken trust. He took my advice, listened, and followed my counsel to the T. Similarly, Andrea worked hard, and through her diligent effort and consistency in marriage counseling – they were able to get back on track.

Since we last spoke, they’ve been spending more time together. They’re enjoying their relationship, and Andrea says she’s fully forgiven Tom. Their marriage is back on track, and now they look back on what happened and know that while it hurt, it also let them see how broken their marriage had become.

Does Couples Counseling Work For Cheating? Book A Free Consult And Find Out