After discovering infidelity in your relationship, there are essential recovery from affair stages in order to heal and repair.
It can seem impossible to mend what has been broken.
The pain of betrayal and the fear of what lies ahead can be overwhelming.
But know that there is hope.
With commitment, effective couple communication, and patience, restoring trust and rebuilding your relationship is possible.
In this article, we will define infidelity and discuss the six stages of affair recovery.
Additionally, we will provide practical strategies to help you on your healing journey.
Table of Contents
What is infidelity?
Each person can have different ideas about what constitutes infidelity in relationships.
Therefore, it’s important that you and your partner talk about what cheating means to each of you.
Extramarital affairs can take many forms.
The two main types of affairs are sexual affairs and emotional affairs.
Sexual affair
A sexual affair is characterized by engaging in sexual activities with someone outside of your committed relationship.
This type of cheating may be a one-time occurrence or ongoing.
Emotional affair
An emotional affair involves forming a deep emotional bond with someone outside your relationship.
Signs of an emotional affair include
- Turning to another person for comfort, affirmation, or emotional closeness instead of your spouse.
- Giving mental energy and investment to another person in a way that detracts from your relationship.
- Being secretive about the nature of your interactions with this outside person.
Emotional affairs may eventually lead to physical intimacy and sex, but not always.
Seek marital therapy to navigate the recovery from affair stages
After discovering infidelity, you likely feel unsure what to do or where to turn.
Instead of trying to wade through the murky waters on your own, seek support from a trained expert who will guide you through the affair recovery process.
Working with a marriage and family therapist, marriage counselor, or marriage coach will provide new insights into why the affair happened and what steps are necessary to heal.
Book a couples consultation to learn more about marriage counseling and working with us.
6 stages of affair recovery
Now, let’s look at the six stages of affair recovery.
Recovery from affair Stage #1: disclosing
The first stage of affair recovery is disclosing the infidelity.
The unfaithful partner should provide a full account of what happened.
This, however, does not imply that they need to share every single detail of every encounter right away.
It might be more beneficial to reveal the whole story in the presence of a marriage counselor to facilitate the discussion.
Nonetheless, the unfaithful spouse needs to be completely honest about who was involved and why the infidelity happened.
Was it a one-night stand driven by alcohol and physical attraction?
Did your wife or husband develop feelings for their best friend and slowly realize they were not just friends?
Although it can be uncomfortable and painful, full disclosure about the affair is essential for a couple to heal and move forward.
A study by the American Psychological Association revealed that couples who disclosed infidelity were more likely to stay together than those who kept it hidden.
Related Reading: Questions To Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
Recovery from affair Stage #2: understanding
The goal of this stage is for you and your partner to deeply understand each other’s perspective.
For example, the spouse who cheated may share that they felt rejected and lonely due to the lack of physical intimacy in their marriage.
Then, the betrayed spouse might share that they felt emotionally neglected and like their husband wanted sex but not intimacy.
This stage allows you to gain more insight into your partner’s feelings and what led to the infidelity.
As you seek understanding, you’ll develop more empathy for your husband or wife.
Although there are no excuses for infidelity, understanding the underlying issues that led to the betrayal can help you rebuild a more fulfilling relationship and prevent future affairs.
Recovery from affair Stage #3: acceptance
This stage requires you and your partner to take full responsibility for your actions.
It’s essential for the spouse who cheated to take ownership of their infidelity without blaming their spouse or making excuses.
At the same time, it’s essential for the betrayed partner to take responsibility for their part in the marriage.
It doesn’t mean that the betrayed spouse caused their partner to be unfaithful. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that both partners contribute to the relationship dynamics.
When you and your spouse take responsibility for your role in the marriage, you can stop blaming each other and focus on working together to improve your relationship moving forward.
Recovery from affair Stage #4: releasing resentment & anger
Once you and your partner have taken ownership of your role in the marriage, you can choose to let go of resentment.
This step can be so difficult.
It’s okay if you don’t feel ready to forgive your spouse overnight.
However, many people find themselves stuck because they think forgiveness means acknowledging the other person’s actions are okay.
Remember, letting go of anger and pain doesn’t mean letting your partner off the hook.
Instead, it means you no longer want to be consumed by negative emotions.
By holding onto anger, you are only hurting yourself.
When you release your anger and pain, you open up space for rebuilding your marriage.
Get support repairing your marriage with the Save Your Marriage Course.
Recovery from affair Stage #5: reconnection & redefining the relationship
After letting go of resentment, you and your partner can focus on fixing your broken relationship.
Reconnecting may look like planning date nights or a weekend getaway to escape your daily life and rekindle your connection.
For 100+ unique date ideas to help you grow closer, pick up the Relationship Workbook.
Moreover, redefining the relationship may entail establishing new boundaries and expectations for your life together.
Recovery from affair Stage #6: rebuilding trust
Once trust is broken, it can be a long road to regaining it.
You may be overwhelmed with thoughts like, “What if I let my partner back in and the same thing happens again?”
Ultimately, there is no guarantee about what will happen in the future or way to change what has happened in the past.
However, with patience and effort, you can heal past hurt, rebuild trust, and have a happy relationship again.
To start rebuilding trust, re-establish an open line of communication.
You can do this by having regular relationship check-ins where you talk about your feelings and what you are going through in the aftermath of the affair.
Committing to full transparency and leaning on each other in the healing process can start rebuilding lost trust.
Related Reading: Activities to Rebuild Trust
5 strategies for healing after infidelity
Now, let’s explore some strategies to facilitate healing while recovering from an affair.
Recovery from affair tip #1: Acknowledge your emotions
After discovering your partner has been unfaithful, it’s common to experience a wide range of emotions, from shock and confusion to deep hurt, fear, and anger.
While it’s natural to want to avoid pain, doing so prevents you from fully healing.
Allow yourself to move through any emotion that comes up without self-judgment.
One day, you may feel like you’re moving toward acceptance, and the next, you feel hopeless that you’ll ever be able to trust your spouse again.
Ups and downs are a normal part of the healing process.
You are not doing it wrong if you feel you are going backward sometimes.
Additionally, it’s essential that the spouse who cheated processes their guilt about what happened and the pain they caused their partner.
Recovery from affair tip #2: Create boundaries
Another essential step of healing after infidelity is setting boundaries.
For instance, you may request access to your partner’s cell phone or social media accounts in the initial weeks following the affair.
This transparency helps to re-establish trust and emotional safety.
Also, it may be helpful to set boundaries around discussing the affair.
For instance, you might agree only to talk about it at certain times or not reveal intimate details about the infidelity to friends or family members.
Recovery from affair tip #3: Increase self-care
Recovering from an affair can be emotionally exhausting.
It is important to prioritize self-care during this challenging time in your life.
Self-care involves caring for your physical, mental, and emotional health to be at your best.
Self-care activities include
- Journaling.
- Deep breathing.
- Yoga or meditation.
- Exercising.
- Being outside in nature.
- Spending time with supportive friends and family members.
- Listening to music.
- Watching your favorite TV show or movie.
- Engaging in a calming hobby.
- Eating nutritious foods.
- Drinking water.
- Getting enough sleep.
Recovery from affair tip #4: Seek professional help
The affair recovery process can be overwhelming.
Don’t try to survive infidelity on your own.
Couples therapy is essential to recovering after infidelity and rebuilding healthy and loving relationships.
A couples therapist will help you delve deeper into why the affair happened and start the process of repairing the damage and moving forward.
If you and your partner are struggling with infidelity, we are here to support you.
We teach couples who have experienced infidelity how to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Book a couples consultation to learn more about working with us.
Recovery from affair tip #5: Take it slow
Healing after infidelity takes time.
Avoid rushing the healing process or pressuring your partner to forgive you before they are ready.
Everyone’s healing journey looks different.
Don’t set rigid expectations on what healing ‘should’ look like or how long it should take.
Instead, give yourself the freedom to embrace what is and heal at your own pace.
What are 3 phases of recovery after an affair?
In his book “What Makes Love Last”, Dr. John Gottman outlines a three-stage process for recovering from an affair. The stages are: 1.) Atone: the hurt partner takes responsibility for their actions and expresses remorse. 2.) Attune: partners work together to meet each other’s needs. 3.) Attach: partners begin to reopen conversations about sex and intimacy.
Can you ever fully recover from an affair?
Infidelity can have a devastating impact on a marriage. However, it is possible to rebuild and come out stronger than before. The extent of recovery depends on many factors, such as both partners’ commitment to rebuilding the relationship, setting realistic expectations for the recovery process, and seeking marital therapy. If your partner is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions and shows no signs of changing, consider when to leave a lying spouse.
What not to do after an affair?
After discovering your partner has been unfaithful, avoid making hasty decisions about your relationship. Instead, take time to process the situation thoughtfully. Similarly, the partner who cheated should avoid pressuring the other person to forgive them to assuage their guilt. Putting pressure on the betrayed partner to forgive too soon can impede healing.
What is the trauma of infidelity?
After being cheated on, the hurt partner may experience signs of post-traumatic stress disorder, such as preoccupation with the affair, heightened anxiety or fear, difficulty sleeping, and withdrawal from friends and family. If you notice these symptoms, seek support from a clinical psychologist or licensed professional counselor through a private practice or community resources.
How do I find peace after being cheated on?
During the healing process, allow yourself to feel all the emotions that arise without judging yourself. Seek support from trusted friends, family members, and mental health professionals. Prioritize self-care, whether nourishing your physical health or other forms of wellness. Most importantly, be kind to yourself and give yourself the time and space you need to heal.
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