Some essential questions to ask before marriage can help set you and your partner up for a lifetime of happiness.
Asking your partner questions will get you on the same page, and share what you want before getting married.
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What should be discussed before marriage?
Before getting married, have in-depth discussions about your life together. Explore your feelings about critical issues such as money, children, communication styles, fidelity, values, roles in the home, and family life.
Going into life-long relationships with a clear understanding of your partner’s point of view can help prevent relationship problems from arising.
Talk about money
Money is a common source of stress for couples – especially those with very different economic backgrounds.
Talking about finances before getting married is essential in preparing for a successful and happy marriage. It can be a difficult conversation, but address spending to understand each other’s attitudes toward saving, investing, and debt.
The first step should be to assess your current financial situation, including income, debts, assets, savings, etc.
Assessing your finances will give you an understanding of what each of you brings to the marriage financially. Also, talk about how you plan to manage your finances.
This can include topics such as who is responsible for paying which bills and how they will budget together.
Couples may need to decide if there will be separate or joint bank accounts and if they will use credit cards or other forms of credit. Having these discussions early on allows you to understand each other’s views on money management and ensure you are on the same page regarding their finances.
In addition to discussing current financial situations and plans, talk about financial and career goals, such as saving for a home or retirement.
While these discussions can be uncomfortable, honestly communicate your wants and financial goals. Then, discuss strategies around investing or managing expenses so those goals can become a reality one day.
Finally, find an agreement on debts either of you bring into the marriage from past relationships, student loans, mortgages, etc., and determine how these will be managed once they tie the knot.
Clearly define who is responsible for any pre-existing debt so you agree on how things will work out financially.
Questions to ask before marriage about Finances
Who will pay the bills?
Who will manage investments?
How much debt do you have?
If you owe money, what did you spend it on?
What are your assets?
What do you spend the bulk of your money on?
How much money do you make?
What are your expenses?
How much do you have in savings?
Are we comfortable with taking on debt if necessary?
What are your overall thoughts on finances and budgeting?
Will we share all our money 50/50?
What are our financial situations and debt loads?
Will we take on each other’s assets or liabilities after marriage?
Should we have a shared bank account?
Will all of our income be combined?
Do you have any career goals?
What are your career aspirations?
What are your thoughts on using credit cards?
Do you have savings towards retirement?
How much do you save each year towards retirement?
Having honest talks about money before getting married is essential in establishing trust between you and setting up solid financial foundations for your life together.
Talk about kids
Children are another major decision that couples must make before getting married. Even if you’re not planning to have children, it’s still beneficial to ask your partner about this topic.
While many couples may not be sure where they stand on kids, and the subject can be uncomfortable for some, discussions about having children are essential.
Having a child together carries financial and emotional responsibility, so here are questions to ask before marriage understand each other’s views.
Questions to ask before marriage about children
Do we both want to have children?
How many kids do we want?
What will we do if we get pregnant or have to take care of a loved one’s child?
What are your feelings about kids?
How will we raise kids?
What kids do you already have in your life, and will we help raise them in any way?
How will we handle child care?
What are your thoughts on how to discipline children?
What are their views on education?
Do you have any medical history concerning possible fertility issues?
How will we parent children if we have them?
Who will care for them during the day if both parents work?
Are there any religious beliefs or moral values that need to be imparted?
Discussing your thoughts on parenting and family life now will help ensure a smoother transition when it comes time to start a family together later.
Get on the same page about immediate and extended family
Before saying “I do”, have a candid conversation with your future spouse about how parents, siblings, and extended family members will fit into your life.
Discussing your preferences ahead of time can help ensure that there are fewer misunderstandings down the line.
Questions about what role each family member will play in your life.
What are our responsibilities towards our parents?
What role will extended family play in our lives?
Do religious systems need to be considered?
What family traditions do you have?
What are your thoughts on family?
How often do you want to see family? Will they be a part of our yearly, monthly, weekly, or daily life?
Have you done any self-reflection or been able to process unresolved trauma or past pain from your family?
Who will take care of our parents when they are older?
What are our financial obligations to our families?
What emotional support will we provide?
Are there any political issues or differences in your family?
How did your family respond when you told them you got engaged?
How has your family responded to your past relationships and break ups?
What does your family do for fun?
What are your thoughts on in-laws?
How does your family handle conflict?
Do you have a family member who wants to live with us if they need help?
Are there any major health problems in your family?
Learn each other’s communication styles
How you communicate with your partner can determine how successful your relationship is. Learning each other’s communication style before marriage sets a solid foundation for a successful relationship.
This could include examining how you communicate with family and friends, how you express yourself, and what kind of feedback you are comfortable giving and receiving.
Understanding the unique ways each partner communicates can help you gain insight into their strengths and weaknesses and the dynamics between you.
Questions to ask before marriage about communication styles
How will we handle disagreements, arguments, or crises that arise?
How do you address issues – especially during times of stress?
How will we resolve conflict?
Do you prefer texting or phone calls, or face-to-face?
How often would you like to check in with each other during the day?
When we reach a standstill, can we see a relationship coach?
Do you agree that finding understanding is more important than winning arguments?
Are there specific topics you tend to avoid discussing or struggle with?
How will we speak to each other when we’re angry?
How will we speak to each other when we’re intimate?
Are you comfortable talking about our sex life?
When things are challenging, will you talk to friends or a counselor?
Will you threaten divorce if we’re fighting?
How do you feel about taking time alone if an issue gets heated so we can calm down before addressing the issue?
Are you conflict-avoidant, or do you prefer to face things head-on?
How do you feel about opening up and sharing your biggest fear with me?
How long should I typically wait for answers when I ask a question?
Are there any triggers that are difficult to address?
How often should we do relationship check ins?
How soon should I expect a response from you when I reach out?
Talk about fidelity and intimacy
Fidelity can be a highly sensitive topic that couples should address honestly before getting married.
Fidelity can mean different things to different people, so finding out your partner’s beliefs and ensuring you’re on the same page is essential.
Questions to ask before marriage about intimacy and fidelity
What is our understanding of intimacy and fidelity?
What are your thoughts on monogamy?
Do you think that open relationships can be successful marriages?
What do you consider cheating or unacceptable behavior within the relationship? Including emotional and physical affairs.
What temptations can you foresee, if any?
Will you be friends with a person of the opposite sex?
How important is sexual compatibility to you in a relationship/marriage?
Do you see yourself being with your partner for the rest of your life?
What kind of sex life do you want to have?
How do you feel about porn?
What are your thoughts on intimacy in marriage?
What birth control methods will we use?
What did you learn from your previous relationships?
What boundaries would be put in place if cheating were ever an issue?
How will infidelity be addressed if it occurs?
Dig deeper
It would help if you felt safe discussing your opinions, concerns, and beliefs without fear of judgment or punishment.
When discussing fidelity with your partner, start by asking each other what fidelity means to you. Clarify any misunderstandings between you two regarding the subject matter.
For example, one partner may have a more traditional view of monogamy, while the other may have a more open view of relationships.
Also, talk about how you would handle any potential violations of fidelity should they occur in the future. Again, having these talks ahead of time helps prevent hurt feelings down the line.
Finally, be sure your conversation covers all types of infidelity: emotional and physical. Cheating doesn’t always mean physical contact with another person. Emotional infidelity (such as online flirting or spending too much time with another person) can be just as damaging if not appropriately addressed.
Since infidelity can be one of the most triggering topics. Consider signing up for a premarital counseling program to help you and your partner navigate these questions.
Talk about values
Values are core beliefs that shape our lives. Discussing these can help ensure compatibility.
In addition, critically examining belief systems around religion, social justice issues like racism or sexism, and even political opinions can help each individual understand where the other is coming from.
Conversing about your core values helps build a strong, long-lasting relationship. When couples commit to each other, they are committing to spending the rest of their lives together and respecting each other’s values and differing beliefs.
The first step in discussing your values before getting married is determining what those values are.
Take some time alone or with your partner to think about your core beliefs and what matters most to you in life. For example, are family, religion, loyalty, or trust major components of your life?
When discussing your values with your soon-to-be spouse, listen carefully to what they say without judgment – even if you don’t feel the same way.
Look for common ground between you two (e.g., shared religious or spiritual beliefs or similar views on the world). It can be helpful to list what you value most as an ongoing reference point throughout your marriage.
Pick up the couples card games to get you and your partner talking.
Questions to ask before marriage about values
Which religious holidays or special occasions are important to you?
What are your thoughts on religion and spirituality?
Are you willing to change your lifestyle or habits for your partner/spouse?
What are your thoughts on time with friends and social activities?
What couples goals do you have?
What are your thoughts on our hobbies and interests and their role in our marriage?
How do you feel about alone time versus together time?
What are your political views?
What are ways you like to have fun?
When we’re spending time together, what activities help you feel connected?
Do you want our previous partners in our lives?
What are your deal breakers?
What’s your idea of a healthy relationship?
How much time do you want us to spend taking care of our home each week?
What’s on your relationship bucket list?
Do you have any trust issues we need to address?
How can I support your dreams and help you become the person you want to be?
What are your fears?
How much time do you need to spend alone?
What are your top 5 core values?
How much time do you want us to spend together?
- How often do you want to have date nights?
How often do you want to have sex?
For a hands-on guide to creating a relationship bucket list and couples goals to add purpose to your relationship, pick up the Relationship Workbook.
Talk about your home life
Before getting married, discuss how you and your partner want to run a household. Running a household may seem basic, but it can be one of the biggest sources of conflict.
It is helpful to divide tasks according to each partner’s strengths and interests so you and your partner are engaged in running the household. Also, agree on how often tasks need to be done – this will help set expectations and clear up misunderstandings.
Questions to ask before marriage about the household
How do we envision splitting up household chores together once married?
What cleaning chores will each partner take on?
Which one of us will plan vacations?
Will you, your partner, or both of you take time off work after having children?
What organizational roles will each of us take on?
Who will pay the bills?
Who will fix things around the house?
Will one partner stay home while the other works?
What role will each of us play in managing the home?
What role will drugs or alcohol play in our lives?
Do you expect us to follow traditional gender roles or break free from the concept of gender roles?
How often will we eat together?
How often will we eat out?
What kind of life do we want to build together once married?
How important is sustainability to you? (For example, switching from single-use plastic to reusable containers?)
What do you think are the roles of a partner?
What lifestyle changes do you want to make together?
How often will we cook together?
How will we prioritize our health through our eating habits and exercise?
Do we have significant health issues that need ongoing medical attention/treatment post-marriage?
Overall, having a detailed conversation about how you would like your household to run before getting married can be incredibly beneficial for your future as a married couple.
Share what you expect from one another and come up with solutions that work best for both of you – this way, you can ensure that you start your marriage with the tools needed to create a successful home life.
Questions to ask before marriage about the wedding
Are there specific things from a previous relationship we cannot let go of as we prepare to marry?
Are there any other topics we need to discuss before committing to marry one another?
What do you think the purpose of marriage is?
How would you define a successful marriage?
How do you think marriage will affect our relationship?
Will we prioritize spending time together on our wedding day, or will the event be more about time with family?
What kind of wedding ceremony would be meaningful for us?
Will either partner change their name when we get married?
What are your thoughts on divorce?
Is it essential that we have sex the night of the wedding? Do we need to stay sober or leave the party early to ensure that happens?
Why do you want to get married?
What are your expectations for marriage?
Related Article: Premarital Counseling Questions
Premarital counseling can help you answer critical questions
Premarital counseling provides a safe space to have these essential conversations and promote thoughtful reflection about the challenges that can arise during your marriage.
Also, premarital counseling can help ensure you’re ready to walk down the aisle. It provides an opportunity to look honestly and objectively at your relationship.
Through premarital counseling, you can develop realistic expectations of marriage, create greater trust, and establish goals for your life together.
At Lasting Love Connection, we offer online premarital counseling so we can support you and your partner no matter where you live or how busy you are.
We’ll utilize assessments and questionnaires to dive deeply into the dynamics of your relationship.
This process can help you gain insight into each other’s personalities, family backgrounds, values and beliefs, and financial habits. We’ll guide you on managing conflict and resolving disagreements without creating resentment.
Also, we’ll suggest strategies to build mutual respect within the relationship while maintaining individual autonomy.
By participating in premarital counseling, you’ll learn the keys to a successful marriage, including effective communication techniques, problem-solving approaches, and managing stressors.
Ultimately, we’ll create a safe environment and a solid foundation for your life together.
Book a free couples consult to learn more about the premarital counseling program.
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