How To Spot An Abusive Relationship: 15 Warning Signs

How to spot an abusive relationship. 

Most people don’t know the signs of a healthy relationship and don’t know if they’re in an abusive relationship. 

To avoid being in a toxic relationship, it’s good to know the signs. By knowing what an unhealthy relationship looks like, you can make sure to spot the red flags and change things or even leave before it’s late. 

By knowing these 15 signs of an abusive relationship, you can become more adept at spotting abusive relationships. 

To avoid being in a toxic relationship, it’s good to know the signs. Much like a map helps you get somewhere, knowing the signs of an abusive relationship will help you turn away from abuse and head towards the road to love.

15 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship 

1. There’s Domestic Abuse & Physical Violence 
2. You’re Forced To Have Sex & Intimacy (Sexual Abuse) 
3. Put-Downs Are Normal (Verbal Abuse) 
4. Gaslighting Is Used To Distort Things & Make You Wrong
5. Hyper-Critical Language Is Often Used 
6. There’s Lying, Secrets, And Withholding
7. There Is Cheating And Infidelity
8. You Feel Or Are Micromanaged And Controlled 
9. You Feel Micromanaged (Your Partner Constantly Demands You Check-In) 
10. You’re Blamed And Find Yourself Apologizing Even When You Did Nothing Wrong 
11. You Are Purposefully Isolated From Friends And Family Members  
12. Money Is Used To Control And Manipulate 
13. Threats Of Suicide If You Leave
14. It Feels Dangerous To Leave 
15. There’s Love Bombing, And Later You’re Shut Off From Love

What To Do If You Spot These Signs

Some of the signs listed here are clear indicators that you’re in an unhealthy, abusive, and detrimental relationship that you should leave. So we’ll address those first, and then we’ll look at signs you can take note of and likely work through. 

Some other signs are slightly more subtle and can be worked on together. Knowing which signs are threatening your health and future and which ones can be worked on will help you create a strategy for dealing with the issues at hand. 

Let’s go over the warning signs that most likely mean you’ll need to leave to regain your self-love, self-esteem, and health. 

Things That Likely Can’t Be Fixed

If your partner is doing any of these things, it’s most likely a clear sign that you should end the relationship. 

For example, if your relationship has physical abuse, you’ll almost certainly need to leave. When an abusive partner hits someone they love, forces them to have sex, and makes them physically unsafe – it’s unlikely the relationship will get better. 

Along with physical and domestic violence, other abusive situations signal it’s likely best to leave the relationship. 

• The person hit you.
• Your significant other forced to have sex against your will.
• You are always being put down (and your self-worth is being attacked).
• You’re afraid to leave because it could end in more violence.
• The person is controlling or isolating you from your freedom.

All these signs are abusive behaviors that signal you need to leave. Quite often, physical abuse and being forced into sex can’t be fixed – they can only be left. 

Leaving a relationship that is abusive like this requires a safety plan. A plan that will help you leave in a way that mitigates more abuse. The first step is to reach out to support systems that have helped men and women leave dangerous relationships. One of those action steps should be to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (here’s their number: 1-800-799-7233).

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship like what women reported having with people like R. Kelly or Hugh Hefner, where your time is being controlled, your body is being used for sex against your will, and you don’t feel safe – you need to leave. 

Healing from physical and sexual traumas is unlikely to happen while with the perpetrator. Instead, healing will happen best by leaving.

If you’ve suffered any sexual abuse, I highly recommend our interview with Wendy Maltz

Wendy Maltz’s Book The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Things Can Be Fixed If… 

Both partners can fix some behaviors in a relationship. 

Before we go into the list, let’s ensure you understand there’s a big if…

Suppose both partners are willing to work on their issues. If both partners are ready to seek professional help. Further, if the partners are willing to spend the time to do the work, I know it’s possible to overcome these challenging hurdles. 

Certain abusive behaviors people have adopted from their upbringing but wish to change. If that’s the case and both partners are willing to change and are even willing to seek professional mental health help – then you can save a relationship. 

Some behaviors that can be worked on and fixed (while staying together are)

Harmful language and put-downs are used (if the issue isn’t overly severe, couples can work on this issue and overcome it). If couples are unable to manage conflict constructively, it is one of the biggest signs their marriage will end in divorce. Assessing its severity requires professional help. 

Love bombing and shutting down. Sometimes people have habits of opening up in significant ways and showing lots of love until they feel hurt and shut down. If your partner has a habit of opening and closing, it’s possible that a relationship counselor (like me) can help change this pattern. 

Cheating and infidelity. Contrary to popular belief, cheating doesn’t end relationships. In some cases, it does, and sometimes it doesn’t. Knowing the best choice is quite personal. However, we’ve worked with many couples who had issues with infidelity and could go through affair recovery, but it wasn’t easy for them to survive infidelity. 

You find yourself apologizing even when you’re not wrong. This happens to many couples; it’s not something that certainly signals a terrible relationship. It can signify an unhealthy relationship, but it can be worked on and changed. 

When To Seek Help

If you’re confused about your relationship – the best route is to seek help. 

If you’re unsure if there’s abuse or if it can be fixed and changed – seek expert advice. 

One step you can take today is to book a complimentary couple’s consultation. Then, I’d be happy to speak with you. 

In my consultations, I help couples (and individuals) figure out what’s happening and if marriage and relationship counseling is right for the situation. 

It’s my professional opinion that if you’re in a relationship and you’re confused, the best bet is to seek the input of an expert. It’s the fastest way to fix a broken marriage and to work on relationship problems. An expert can help assess what’s happening and heal any damage.