The Gottman Couples Therapy Method is a new approach to relationships that can transform the way you interact with your partner.
In this article, we will discuss the basics of the Gottman Method and nine essential components of healthy relationships as identified by the Gottman Institute.
Additionally, we will provide practical strategies to incorporate Gottman Method techniques into your life and strengthen your relationship.
Table of Contents
What is the Gottman Couples Therapy Method?
The Gottman Couples Therapy Method was developed by Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
It is an approach to couples counseling based on decades of research conducted at the Gottman Institute.
In their Love Lab, Dr. John and Julie Gottman aimed to identify what makes some relationships successful while others fail.
The Gottman Method incorporates these findings into research-based interventions that can help you improve your relationship.
Speak with a Gottman Method trained coach – Book a complimentary couples consult.
Who can benefit from the Gottman Couples Therapy Method?
Gottman Method couples therapy is a highly effective approach that can help couples of all ages, races, and backgrounds overcome relationship problems. Further, Gottman Method couples therapy is effective for treating same-sex relationships, heterosexual relationships, and no matter what your sexual orientation is.
Couples struggling with frequent conflict, poor communication, conflict management, infidelity issues, and betrayal can benefit from Gottman Method couples therapy.
In addition, this method is designed to support emotionally distanced couples by providing them with proven strategies to improve friendship and deepen emotional connection.
How does the Gottman Method work?
After starting Gottman Method couples therapy, let’s explore what you and your partner can expect.
Assessment
During the assessment process, couples complete questionnaires about various aspects of their relationship dynamics.
Then, Gottman-trained therapists provide detailed feedback on the relationship check up about the relationship’s strengths and areas for growth.
Based on the results of the assessment process, your therapist will determine the particular focus for your sessions.
To gain more clarity about your relationship, take a free version of the Gottman Method relationship check-up.
Therapeutic framework
Next, you and your partner will collaborate with your certified Gottman therapist to determine the frequency and duration of therapy sessions.
Therapeutic interventions
Then, your Gottman therapist will utilize research-based intervention strategies for strengthening your relationship.
These therapeutic interventions help you improve friendship, effectively manage conflict, and increase intimacy, respect, and affection.
Gottman-trained therapists aim to help couples
- disarm conflicting verbal communication.
- elevate intimacy, respect, and affection.
- create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within a relationship.
Work with a Gottman Method trained coach – book a couples consult.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method: Sound Relationship House Theory
After decades of research, John and Julie Gottman developed the Sound Relationship House Theory, which outlines nine essential components of a loving and healthy relationship.
Components of the Sound Relationship House Theory
- Love maps
- Share fondness and admiration
- Turn towards instead of away
- The positive perspective
- Manage conflict
- Make life dreams come true
- Create shared meaning
- Trust
- Commitment
Let’s explore each component of the Sound Relationship House and how to enhance your relationship using Gottman Method techniques.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #1: Build love maps
Love maps are the knowledge you and your partner have about each other’s psychological world.
Love maps provide a mental image of your partner’s life, including where they are from, their family history, life goals, hopes for the future, and more.
As you build your partner’s love map, you gain a better understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
It is essential to keep expanding your partner’s love map over time.
Just like you are constantly changing, so is your partner.
Remaining curious about each other and asking meaningful questions helps you stay connected.
For a simple and fun way to update your love maps, pick up the Intimacy Deck.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #2: Share fondness and admiration
One of the key components of the Gottman Method is to build a culture of appreciation within your relationship.
This means expressing gratitude and appreciation through small actions during the week.
For instance, if your partner’s love language is acts of service, make their coffee in the morning before they wake up.
Alternatively, if they prefer words of affirmation, write them a thoughtful card expressing how much they mean to you.
Even small gestures can significantly impact how valued and appreciated your partner feels.
Additionally, expressing fondness and admiration can look like creating special rituals that increase intimacy and connection, such as going on regular date nights or engaging in a shared hobby.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #3: Turn towards instead of away
Dr. John and Julie Gottman developed the concept of “turning towards.”
Turning towards happens when you and your partner are receptive to each other’s attempts to connect.
When you turn towards your partner, you acknowledge their feelings and experiences, creating a space of mutual understanding and emotional connection.
For example, let’s say you had a conflict with a friend and tell your partner it is weighing heavily on you.
Your partner can turn towards or away from you in this situation.
Turning towards you would look like your partner making eye contact, showing love and care by giving you a hug or gentle touch on the arm, and asking you more questions to understand your situation.
On the other hand, turning away would be your partner giving a dismissive response, such as “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” without looking at you or completely ignoring you.
The more you turn towards your partner, the more you increase trust and deepen the emotional connection and emotional intimacy between you.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #4: Maintain positive perspective
According to the Gottman Method, maintaining a positive perspective is a cornerstone of healthy relationships.
Maintaining a positive perspective means looking for the best in your partner and assuming positive intent.
Let’s say your partner arrived home an hour later than planned when you had a special dinner ready.
Instead of immediately assuming that your partner was trying to upset you or making it a point about their character, remain open to their point of view.
Furthermore, maintaining a positive orientation means remembering that you and your partner are on the same team.
This mindset enables you to approach conflicts without attacking or blaming each other.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #5: Manage conflict
In their research, doctors John Gottman and Julie Gottman discovered that marital conflicts fall into two categories: solvable problems and perpetual problems.
Perpetual problems are conflicts that keep repeating due to fundamental differences in personalities or needs.
Research conducted by the Gottman Institute indicates that around 2/3 of all marital conflicts fall into the category of perpetual problems.
These perpetual problems cannot be solved by logic or solutions.
Instead, persistent issues require that you and your partner listen attentively to each other and strive to understand each other’s past experiences, fears, and motivations.
Through Gottman couple therapy, you will learn how to replace negative conflict patterns with more constructive ones.
The Gottman Method focuses on helping you and your partner develop healthy conflict management skills, such as actively listening to each other’s perspectives without becoming defensive and taking breaks to self-soothe when the conversation gets heated.
Related Reading: Healthy Relationships Conflict Resolution
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #6: Make life dreams come true
The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of creating a shared vision.
This involves having open conversations with your partner about your hopes for the future and how you can support each other in achieving your goals.
Sit down with your partner and talk about your individual and shared marriage goals.
Once you’ve identified your goals, create a plan to achieve them.
Your plan could involve setting aside time each week or month for a creative project or saving money for a dream trip you’ve always wanted to take.
Focusing on making life dreams come true allows you to look past the daily issues and challenges and focus on the future you’re building together.
The Relationship Workbook guides you through creating your goals as a couple.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #7: Create shared meaning
If you feel something is missing in your relationship, you may lack shared meaning.
Shared meaning adds a heightened sense of purpose and excitement to your partnership.
it gives you something to be excited about and look forward to in your relationship.
A practical way to achieve shared meaning is by creating couples goals.
To create couples goals, reflect on these questions
- What’s your vision for our future?
- What do you want to create together?
- What do you want to accomplish together in the next five years?
For a step-by-step guide to creating couples goals, pick up the Relationship Workbook.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #8: Cultivate trust
Trust forms the walls of the Sound Relationship House.
Without it, the foundation of a relationship will crumble.
Trust means you can depend on your partner to have your back.
The belief that you can rely on one another creates a deep and meaningful connection in a relationship.
Building trust in a relationship means feeling safe, secure, and confident with your partner.
You can let go of worries about whether your partner will do what they said they would or if something bad will happen.
Instead, you are certain that your partner has your best interests at heart and that you will work together to face any obstacles that come your way.
Gottman Couples Therapy Method Technique #9: Maintain commitment
In the Gottman Method, commitment is essential to healthy relationships.
When you and your partner are committed to your relationship, you share a strong desire to see it thrive and are willing to put in the necessary effort to make it succeed.
Without commitment, relationships can feel disconnected, fragile, and unreliable.
Strengthen your relationship with the Gottman Couples Therapy Method
Whether you’re experiencing relationship issues or want to make your relationship even stronger, we can help.
At Lasting Love Connection, our therapists specialize in Gottman Method couples therapy.
We utilize the Gottman Method in our online therapy sessions to help you address any relationship issues and build the relationship you desire.
Our services are available to same-sex couples and couples from all walks of life and backgrounds.
Book a Gottman Method complimentary couples consultation, and we can chat about working together.
How effective is Gottman method couples therapy?
According to research studies, Gottman method couples therapy is very effective for improving marital adjustment and deepening intimacy. By improving communication, building trust, and helping couples manage conflicts more effectively, the Gottman Method aims to enhance the quality of relationships.
What are the toxic elements to arguing according to Gottman?
The Dr. John Gottman Method identified four communication styles that deeply harm relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When these harmful elements are present in a relationship, they can erode trust and emotional intimacy. When you replace negative conflict patterns with healthier ones, it can significantly improve your relationship health and satisfaction.
What is 5 to 1 Gottman?
In John Gottman’s research, the “5 to 1 ratio” refers to the balance between positive interactions and negative interactions in a relationship. This means that for every negative interaction, such as a critical comment or defensive response, there should be at least five positive interactions, such as expressing affection or demonstrating empathy.
What is a toxic relationship like?
Toxic relationships are detrimental to your well-being, mental health, and self-esteem. Warning signs of toxic relationship dynamics include lack of respect, manipulation, patterns of dishonesty, and abuse (such as physical domestic violence). If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, seek support from mental health professionals trained in the Gottman Method.
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