Why do people cheat in a relationship, even in happy relationships? Cheating is a huge problem between couples in relationships, and many wouldn’t like to talk about it.
In this interview with Charles J. Orlando, a relationship expert and the author of the best-selling book The Problem with Women is Men, he talks about why do people cheat in a relationship and how to cheat-proof your relationship.
Communication is one of the keys to doing it, but people are ashamed to talk about it, and they’re afraid that it might just worsen the situation, so he also shared a tip on how you can do it to stay connected with your partner.
In a short period of time, Charles Orlando has been able to become one of the most loved and respected relationship experts online.
His combination of honesty, humor, and clear writing makes it obvious why he’s so loved.
When we caught up with Charles, he had just done an expose on the infamous Ashley Madison site whose tagline is: Life is Short, Have an Affair.
In this interview, he shares the impact that going undercover to understand the minds of cheating men and women.
What we loved about the interview the most was Charle’s ability to be authentic, sincere, and human. Although he’s been happily married for 20+ years and has several children, he admits that the undercover stint brought to light some things that were hard to admit—in this interview, he unveils his personal life in a way most relationship experts won’t dare.
He also gives us some wisdom on how to cheat-proof your relationship, how to keep the romance alive, and how to stay connected in your relationship.
Table of Contents
Key Takeaways: Interview with Charles Orlando – Why Do People Cheat In A Relationship
- Cheating or infidelity is actually the offshoot or a symptom of an already broken relationship. This is why people cheat in relationships further.
- It’s a myth that men cheat more. The truth of it is that it’s about 50-50.
- One of the types of cheating that’s the most damaging is a pure emotional connection.
- Most of the women weren’t really looking for like a physical connection.
- No one person, no one spouse, and no one friend can ever address everything for their partner.
- Some people end up going outside because their partner couldn’t “complete” them.
- Cheating isn’t the problem. It’s a symptom.
- We don’t adapt and grow with the relationship, and that’s one of the symptoms or one of the biggest root problems.
- No one’s married until they have children.
- A marriage is where you get a family, and it creates a completely separate set of dynamics that you can’t identify when you are first dating.
- You can affair-proof your marriage by staying connected and communicating with your partner.
- An affair starts when there are hundreds of real and imagined slights playing apart over the course of the relationship.
- The core of all relationships is this friendship, and over time, people lose track of that friendship, and they think that love is enough.
- Communication is key, but so is passion. Sometimes lack of passion is one of the reasons why people cheat in relationships.
- For a successful long-term relationship and marriage, you need to have a really good combination of both passionate love and compassionate love.
- Passion really comes from establishing that presence with each other
- When you’re not present with someone, you can’t be passionate with them. Absence is one of the reasons why people cheat in relationships.
- It takes effort to make that marriage and relationship work. The effort is something you put into things that you’re passionate about and you care about.
If you’re doing something behind your partner’s back that you wouldn’t do in front of them, you’re cheating.
- Facebook is the most accessible place where people can have an affair in any capacity. Sometimes easy access to media is one of the reasons why people cheat in relationships.
- When you have an emotional affair, it’s all mental connection with the other person, and your partner gets less and less of your time. You become more resentful and disconnected.
- You can definitely get through an affair, and there are two pieces to it. There’s whatever you did that has to be talked about, but the most important piece is why you did it.
- Telling your partner what you did and why you did it is a part of the vulnerability that has to exist not only to keep the marriage together but to get past an affair in the first place.
- If there’s anything you’re hiding that is not healthy, that either means you’re doing something dishonest or you’re shamed.
- Porn is flawed at its core, mostly because it’s for men.
- Porn is a broken experience, and it is working out for a lot of people to rekindle things and get them thinking about things with their partner but porn as a whole is not a replacement.
- If you’re hiding anything or shamed at something that has to do with you, that’s going to negatively affect your relationship.
- Bridging that gap of communication is very challenging.
- Safety in relationships is the number one reason why people start to disconnect.
- Bridging that gap is an internal thing and is very individualized.
- There’s no magic bullet that solves issues.
- It’s totally fine to call on somebody and have that coaching or counseling if you feel there are things that need to be fixed and talked about.
- A person is living in the past because that’s their present and has come forward.
- It’s the person’s choice when they want to go outside their marriage and have an affair.
- The person who’s having an affair is making a decision about them, not about you.
Transcript: Interview with Charles Orlando – Why Do People Cheat In A Relationship
Luis Congdon
Today, we’re going to be talking about why do people cheat in a relationship, how to cheat-proof your relationship, and what are some of the warning signs that your relationship might have some issues of infidelity.
To do that, we’ve brought on relationship expert Charles Orlando, with a fan base of over 1.4 million followers, a best-selling book titled The Problem with Women is Men who know the secrets of why people cheat in relationships.
Charles Orlando is a fantastic guest. He’s been married for over 20 years and has several children himself.
Charles, it’s great to have you here today, and we are so excited to know why do people cheat in a relationship.
Charles Orlando
Hi there. Thanks for having me.
Kamala Chambers
We’re so excited to talk about this topic because it’s something that’s such a huge problem, a bigger problem that a lot of people wouldn’t even like to admit, and it’s something we haven’t covered with any of our other guests.
So, let’s just dive in and talk about why do people cheat in a relationship.
Understanding Why Do People Cheat In A Relationship
Charles Orlando
There are some generalities and some commonalities, but there are also a lot of individual reasons why. When you cut it down to the quick, it’s a sign of a broken relationship.
Charles Orlando
Everybody concentrates on the act, and that’s what they talk about. The truth is that a relationship for one or both people has already experienced the cracks needed to create disconnection, distrust, lack of communication, and all the other things. Somebody has gone outside their relationship to get whatever their needs are met. This is why people cheat in relationships.
We can also kill something right of the gate here that there’s a myth that men cheat more when the truth of it is that it’s about 50-50.
Luis Congdon
Yeah, that’s what the statistics say. It’s slightly higher for men, but it’s a very small marginal number. Now, I know that you did a piece on Ashley Madison, and you meet some women from that website as a way for you to try to understand the men and women who are on Ashley Madison, why they’re cheating, and why they’re going outside of their marriage.
Can you tell me more about that experience and how it helped you understand why people cheat in a relationship?
Related Reading: Stages Of Anger
Undercover as a cheater
Charles Orlando
There are a lot of studies about understanding why people cheat in relationships that have taken a look at infidelity, and they’ve uncovered some very valuable things where you take a look at a combination of issues.
There are different types of cheating and obviously different reasons of why people cheat in relationships. It’s all betrayal, but you got people who run off to Vegas, and then they’ll end up getting drunk and having sex with a stranger.
That’s a fling, and does it count as cheating? Of course! However, there’s no investment when you have a long-term affair. That’s usually a combination of emotional and physical, sometimes it’s just emotional, and it happens over a longer period of time where there’s a lot of investment.
I think one of the types of cheating that’s the most damaging is a pure emotional connection, which is what online infidelity really enables where you don’t have a physical connection. Still, you have this mental push to talk to them to reveal your innermost secrets, and you have emotional intimacy that exists with this arm’s length kind of distance from them. It’s very safe, and at the same time, it’s very connected, and that’s hard for anybody to get over.
I was looking at all three of these types of cheating or infidelity when I went on Ashley Madison as a cheating husband undercover. I’m a married guy. I’ve got two kids. My wife knew that I was doing this. Still, it was a fascinating kind of exploration not only in the outside world to take a look at why women and men were doing this but also kind of some “Aha!” moments for my own relationship and my own marriage.
Luis Congdon
It’s funny because one of the things I got from your experience is that most of the women you met weren’t really looking for like a physical connection, and it seems cliché. The women weren’t, and the men on the website were.
One of the things that I got from you is that some of the women that you met were successful. They were very attractive women, people that you could even see yourself dating where you’re not married and already happily in love.
It’s so interesting that these women had to utilize this kind of undercover, underground way to get together.
Charles Orlando
Definitely, and I think that this highlights something that happens in long-term relationships. It highlights a couple of things.
We’re taught at a very young age, whether it’s through Disney all the way up through romantic comedies in our teen years, 20s, and 30s, not only that there is perfect love out there but that one person is supposed to address all of your needs, all of the time for your entire life. That is not reality. And I’m not talking about sexuality.
I’m talking about people change. They grow, experience new things, and become different people. The core of who they are stays, but what they become later as a result of their environment, what they learned, the people they’re around, and no one person, no one spouse, no one friend can ever address everything for their partner. It’s not possible. It’s not feasible. However, that’s what we’re taught.
When that belief falls apart, and you can’t get back on the horse and understand that this person isn’t going to be your 100% everything and going to “Complete you”. You end up with this troubling question, this confusion of “What do I do?” And some people end up going outside because of those reasons.
People want to feel complete. They want to go back to the beginning of their current relationship and experience it with their new knowledge. Or, their partner has dropped back, and they want to feel sexual desire. They want passion. They don’t want complacency. Especially in a long-term relationship, a lot of these things are missing.
People often forget that men and women are not, at their core, husbands and wives or fathers and mothers. They’re just men and women. The labels fall away.
Relating Reading: Surviving Infidelity
Luis Congdon
I get asked a lot about why do people cheat in a relationship, and I remember the first time I got asked that question, and my first answer was not so much this broad answer that people are cheating and cheating isn’t per se the problem. It’s a symptom. It’s very much like a tree with fruit, and if there is a problem with the fruit, you just go, “Okay, I’m going to water the fruit better. I’m going to spray the tree better.”
That’s not really resolving the issue. You’re looking at root symptoms, and one of them that you’re really talking about is people change, people grow, and we don’t adapt and grow with the current relationship, and that’s one of the symptoms or one of the biggest root problems.
Charles Orlando
A lot of changes happen silently. No one asked for permission to grow or change. It just happens over time. Maybe this is why people cheat in relationships.
Long-term relationships are a very linear path where you start at the beginning, and you fall in love, and there’s tons of passion. Still, you go over the next 5 or 10 years. You end up with a rise in career, a house payment, a couple of kids, financial strain, especially in today’s economy, bills, and everything becomes very housework, homework, work, work. That’s it.
Charles Orlando
Sometimes this is why people cheat in relationships. They’re just dating, and it’s real. A marriage is like where you get a family, and it creates a completely separate set of dynamics that you can’t identify when you are first dating. You can’t. You get some kids in the mix, some financial connections, due dates, laundry, housework, and cohabitation challenges.
Those are things that you can’t plan for when you’re sitting on date number 20, having dinner, and can’t wait to get them home so that you can rip off their clothes. You’re not thinking about the car payment when you’re 15 years in.
It’s hard to see this stuff for what it is, but that’s where you avoid this kind of stuff. You can affair-proof your marriage by staying connected and communicating with your partner.
People end up in strange little areas where that type of vulnerability, fear of being judged, and hundreds of real and imagined slights over the course of the relationship play apart, and they say, “Screw that! I’m not going to talk to you. You’re just going to judge me and say something crappy to me. I don’t want to hear it.” Right, there is where an affair starts. They haven’t met anybody yet, but there is where it begins. That’s the seed.
Communication Is The Key to Strong Relationships
Luis Congdon
I really think that that’s the key to why do people cheat in a relationship. When I’m working with couples, one of the first classes I teach is on getting that friendship back because at the core of all relationships is this friendship, and over time, people lose track of that friendship, and they think that love is enough.
One of the things we’ve done is we’ve created this emotional intimacy deck to help couples have some conversations and get that intimate connection back and have that friendship because you don’t have anything if you don’t have that friendship and that dialog. We also help couples with knowing why do people cheat in a relationship.
Kamala Chambers
Absolutely. I love what you said Charles that your affair proof the committed relationship with communication.
I know that’s a kind of irrational fear I have all of a sudden, Luis is just going to cheat on me out of nowhere, and then our relationship is going to be over. I think it’s the worst thing that could happen to me. I know Luis and I really communicate really well. It helps to put me at ease a little bit that I’m affair-proofing our relationship with the communication. We are familiar with the fact that why people cheat in relationships.
Charles Orlando
I would add to that. I don’t disagree, but I would add to that. That’s where a lot of our primal instincts come into play in knowing why people cheat in relationships. We can’t break out of that. Anybody who says that physical is a shallow connection, perhaps.
Lacking sexual desire
However, it’s baked into who we are. If you don’t have a physical draw or a physical sexual desire for your partner, communication’s going to suffer too. You then have nothing but a friendship. For a successful long-term relationship and marriage, you have to have this really good combination of both passionate love and compassionate love.
Related Articles: Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted to Me & How to Make My Husband Attracted To Me
Kamala Chambers
Yeah, I think the passion really comes from establishing that presence with each other, and I know you work in our technological society where everybody’s on their phones or on their computers. That presence slips away, and when you’re not present with someone, you can’t be passionate with them.
Charles Orlando
Definitely! The lack of attention is the answer to why do people cheat in a relationship. Put your damn phone down. Like, what are you doing? Nobody cares that you eat dinner with them. No one cares. Only you care. You don’t have to check in every damn place. Put it away. Are you afraid to look at your partner? Probably. That’s why your phone’s out.
Kamala Chambers
Yeah, presence and helping to show up more in the relationship. Many of us don’t know this fact and still wonder why do people cheat in a relationship.
Luis Congdon
Do you want to say anything else about your little expose with the Ashley Madison and her views about why do people cheat in a relationship? I know you mentioned that some people are interested in maybe making a movie out of it or doing something with that. It sounds like it’s got a lot of attraction, and people are interested in what you did with that.
Charles Orlando
It was a fascinating exploration and almost destroyed my marriage. By then, I did not realize why people cheat in relationships. I didn’t cheat, but that’s not the point. Anytime, it’s not for the faint of hearts. If anybody listening saying, “That’s kind of cool. I want to do that.” You’re an idiot! Don’t do that.
Don’t go undercover that way. However, it did help to get us to a place where we had to ask some hard questions. Part of what I’m describing here is the linear path of marriage, where things just go along and when you don’t have any idea about why people cheat in relationships. Like, I’m 25 years in with two kids, and I’m an expert. But who cares? Like, experts have the same challenges as everybody else does.
What I found when I went through this was that things weren’t perfect. That’s what the movie is going to be based on. It was very interesting to take a look at my marriage, myself as a man, a husband, and a father, what that means, and how can I push that back out to people I talk to, work with, and write for.
Luis Congdon
What were some of the things you looked at and had to analyze while you were unaware of why people cheat in relationships? I’m really curious. This is one of the things I’ve been trying to bring to the show. A lot of experts come on the show, but as someone who’s taught a relationship course for nearly 10 years, honestly, the number one thing I know about myself is where I’m missing the mark. There are just places where I can be a better partner with Kamala, and I’d love to hear you talk a little bit about that.
Charles Orlando
We had entered a place where I thought my value was bringing home the bacon if that’s not too trite or cliché. We had kind of lost our connection, and we never focused on why people cheat in relationships. You get two teenage kids. You get a career. You get a woman who’s now chasing her own wants and dreams of going to college.
Now that the kids are at an age where they can do that, you end up with these 2 people who are on the same path but their parallel. They’re not together. That’s kind of what we discovered. We met when we were in high school, so we’re very different people today. What does that mean?!
There are a lot of people who think that marriage should be renewed every 5- 10 years, like a contract, because people change so much. There is no rule book. You will realize it when you know the secrets of why do people cheat in a relationship.
There are some diamonds, and there are some thoughts around staying connected to your partner and making sure you communicate. However, the truth is that life and cohabitation and all the other external influences get in the way of that. It takes a conscious effort to make something better happen.
There are a lot of experts, I think, who see that marriage and relationships take work. I disagree. I think it takes effort. Effort is something you put into things that you’re passionate about, and you care about. By putting effort it’s a very different kind of equation.
Luis Congdon
During this time, you realize, “Hey, my partner and I, we’ve gotten on some really different paths. We’ve changed a lot, and I’m going to have to put in some new effort to revitalize the marriage.” Is that right? I think the inability to revitalize their marriage is one of the reasons why people cheat in relationships.
Emotional Cheating- Why Do People Cheat
Charles Orlando
Yeah, to figure out where we are in terms of what we want out of life is so important in knowing why people cheat in relationships. What it costs was a real check-in on what we want for ourselves, how that comes back to us, what we want as a couple, and then what it means moving forward. It’s just, at its core, why people cheat in relationships. What do we want?
Because through the course of this investigation that I did, I ended up exhibiting the signs of a guy who was cheating and I wasn’t. Because I’m talking to women online, and I’m meeting them for lunch. I’m portraying this character, but in the meantime, I’m getting a haircut, and I’m shaving every day. I’m dressed, and I’m out the door going to five-star restaurants. When was the last time I took my wife out to a five-star restaurant in the middle of the day, my workday, for no reason? The answer was never. I’m the expert. Bullshit! Like, Come on! This is how and why people cheat in relationships.
It’s that kind of wake-up call and aha moment that you can’t just kind of conjure. They just appear. Then, what do you do with that information? Anybody who ends up reading the article or watching the movie once it’s made, I would implore you to take it as a huge morning sign, a harbinger of a failed relationship, because if you don’t pay attention, I guarantee you that for any husband who won’t, there’s a neighbor who will. Keep your eye on things. That’s real.
Kamala Chambers
This concept of emotional cheating is probably new for some people who don’t really understand why people cheat in relationships, and I’d be glad to hear a little bit more about what it means that you’re emotionally cheating. At what point does it go into the realm of emotional cheating?
Charles Orlando
If you’re doing something behind your partner’s back that you wouldn’t do in front of them, you’re cheating. Emotional cheating, whether it be financial cheating, physical cheating, or anything you’re doing behind their back, is definitely betrayal.
When it comes to emotional cheating, I think that there’s never been more accessibility to be able to have an affair in any capacity in sites like Ashley Madison or Plenty of Fish or any of the chatrooms, but I think none are more prevalent than something like Facebook. Those who don’t know about these sites will never have an idea about why people cheat in relationships.
When you went to high school, and you had your crush, you probably would never talk to them again. They just disappear. However, with Facebook, you can conjure all of that stuff up instantly just by doing a search for their name. All of a sudden, you have an opportunity that never existed before. You end up with a lot of false positives that lend themselves to thinking that you have this connection. That’s why people cheat in relationships.
Facebook lends itself that way across the board. You meet somebody, and if you have the slightest crack in your relationship, which we all do, it just depends on whether you can find a kindred spirit. As soon as you have that connection with that person, you are now invested together in a similar outcome. “How can I make this better? This person knows me and knows what I’m going through.”
Before you know it, you’re putting more and more effort into the person who doesn’t really know you and doesn’t have all the history with you, and it looks so perfect. It’s all mental connection, and your partner gets less and less of your time. You become more resentful. You become more disconnected, and now you have an emotional affair, and that’s why people cheat in relationships.
Kamala Chambers
How do you recover from infidelity? Is that something that you talk about in addition to why do people cheat in a relationship?
Charles Orlando
You can definitely get through an affair, and there are two pieces to it. There’s whatever you did that has to be talked about, but the most important piece is why you did it.
Some tough questions need to be asked to know why do people cheat in a relationship. These are the hard questions to ask an unfaithful spouse that have to be asked both of yourself and discussed with your partner.
- Why did you end up having a 3 month long physical and emotional affair with this person?
- What was happening within the relationship or for yourself that was missing that you went outside?
- Why were you uncomfortable talking about it with your partner?
They can’t read your mind, so if you think that your relationship sucks, you’re pissed off and resentful all the time. They may not know, or if they know, they don’t know why. You have to tell them. Nothing can change without it.
Telling your partner what you did and why you did it is a part of the vulnerability that has to exist not only to keep the marriage together but to get past an affair in the first place.
Luis Congdon
I have met a number of couples that got over infidelity, but when I see a number, I mean a few, and I’ve met quite a large number of couples that had infidelity just because of the statistics. In the sex research, and then just the quality of couples I’ve seen, hundreds and hundreds of couples that I’ve sat with, I do know that it is possible for people to get over an affair, but it takes an incredible amount of work and renewing those contracts or that sense of trust.
Knowing the secrets of why people cheat in relationships is a really tough job. I want to ask you one question here. Your book is The Problem with Women is Men, and I’m curious why do you titled it that. Does it cover any aspects of why people cheat in relationships?
Charles Orlando
It’s a 50-50 split. Nothing gets your attention better than a great title. But inside, you’ll find that it is 50% women, 50% men. It’s a great read for those who wonder why people cheat in relationships. However, in the world of today, where the bro has replaced the gentlemen, we are at a kind of a crossroads as to what men are bringing to relationships or not bringing and why they’re not bringing it. That’s part of what I discussed in detail in both volumes.
Kamala Chambers
There’s something you said earlier about hiding something, and that’s a form of infidelity. Maybe this is why people cheat in relationships. What about pornography? What if your partner’s just watching porn, and they’re not telling you about it, or they’re hiding it from you?
Why Do People Cheat In A Relationship With Porn
Charles Orlando
If there’s anything you’re hiding that is not healthy, that either means you’re doing something dishonest or you’re shamed. There’s nothing wrong with porn for a lot of people. It’s not for everybody, but porn can be used in a variety of good ways to rekindle passion and reconnect with people who have had problems sexually. There are all kinds of great uses, and many people are voyeurs of heart anyway. It does all kinds of great stuff.
However, when pornography either becomes a sex education tool or replaces a healthy sex life, then you’ve got some major red flags. But porn is flawed. People get addicted to porn. I’ve done a lot of research into porn, and porn is flawed at its core, mostly because it’s for men. It’s all physical. Generally, there are many porn production companies that do pornography for women, or there’s a romantic side of pornography, and that’s great. However, the vast majority is this, “get in, get off, get out.” Everybody’s a cheerleader who sucks on a lollipop. Everybody’s a pizza delivery boy who just happens to get laid when he walks to the door like it’s nonsense.
The camera is centered on the woman and what’s happening to her. Not anything else. You can’t even remember the guy’s face because it’s never shown, and that’s because all men want to picture themselves in that situation, and that’s the target market.
As a result, you end up with guys who, unfortunately, are educating themselves as to what women want in the bedroom by watching porn. While many women might want a lot of that to happen to them, I can guarantee you that there isn’t a woman on the planet that I don’t see where every orifice available at any moment of the day where there’s no need for enough foreplay to provide any method of lubrication.
Porn is a broken experience, and it is working out for a lot of people to rekindle things and get them thinking about things with their partner but porn as a whole is not a replacement.
Kamala Chambers
The hiding is really where the infidelity comes in, and this is why people cheat in relationships.
Charles Orlando
I think so. I don’t know if everybody wants to share their masturbation techniques with their partner. Somebody had written to me awhile back that their deepest fear, because of the way they like it, is dying in the midst of masturbation, of being caught afterward after they died. A survey afterward found that a lot of people feel that way.
I think that these are things that shouldn’t be shameful. Especially in long-term relationships, you have somebody who has seen you in most situations. They probably have seen 99% of your body. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, and that’s on your side, not on your partner’s side. If you’re hiding anything or shamed at something that has to do with you, that’s going to negatively affect your relationship.
Knowing Why Do People Cheat In A Relationship And Bridging The Gap
Kamala Chambers
How do you propose bridging that gap of having that conversation about the things that people are ashamed to talk about, or they’re afraid their partner’s going to judge them, or it’s going to create more conflict? How do they start to bridge that gap of communication?
Charles Orlando
Bridging that gap of communication is very challenging. Safety in personal relationships is the number one reason why people start to disconnect. They don’t feel safe enough to tell the truth. That’s the crooks of affairs. “I’m not happy with us anymore” That’s something a lot of couples don’t say. It’s easier to go outside and start something new than a look across the breakfast table and say, “You know what? I am got damn miserable, and I want to tell why.”
Low self esteem after cheating
Then work through that together, but that’s an internal vow. That’s not something that exists in the relationship itself. We’re talking about low self-esteem, self-worth, and real internal happiness, things where people aren’t comfortable putting their true selves out there for their partner to look at and talk about. How do you bridge the gap? That is an internal thing, and in my humble opinion, it’s very individualized.
People are affected by things all the way back from their childhood and are aware of why people cheat in relationships. Let’s take the kid who was busted by his mother. A 12-year-old in his room got his junk in his hand, and his mom walked in. He will never want to do anything like that in front of anybody, and that’s something you are going to be ashamed about. He ends up hiding that from his partner.
Now, how do you open to that? Well, that’s something he’s got to work through. His partner can make things safe and available, but ultimately, it’s that man’s decision to let his past go and embrace his future. There’s no kind of 10-point list that gets him through that.
Luis Congdon
Lately, I’ve been thinking to myself, why do people cheat in a relationship, and how can I make relationship coaching something that people feel okay with? Because most of the time, when couples come to me, they’re ashamed that they’ve gotten to this place where they need to call on somebody. It’s so different to me. If I need counseling with my partner, I will go get it. It’s not a shameful thing. It’s, “Let’s find somebody we connect with, and let’s do it.”
If I want to get fit and I don’t know how to do that, or even if I do and I’ve been having some issues, I hire somebody. It’s not a shameful thing. I just wish I had a huge marketing amount of money so that I could pay to shoot commercials and teach people that stuff is okay for you to feel that you and your partner have grown apart or that you’re not connecting the way you used to or that you’ve been looking at other people and feeling interested in them and you need to talk about that.
Charles Orlando
People end up assigning failure, blame, and shame to all the things you just mentioned. Understanding why people cheat in relationships needs vast knowledge.
When my car breaks down, I’m not a mechanic. I got to take it to the dealership or take it to an auto body shop to get it fixed. I’m not a jerk because I don’t know what’s wrong with my engine. I have to take it to somebody who studied that stuff.
Personal relationships are even worse. Like, with an engine, you just put the right part back in after a diagnostic, and Bam! You’re off and running. However, your relationship breaks down, and, “Oh my God!” Who the hell knows what’s wrong? You’ve been in a relationship for 15 years. You got a couple of kids, two jobs, and all these other stuff.
Just peel the layers back and get ready to spend some time because there’s no magic bullet that solves those issues. As for shame with that, it’s the same thing. It’s the same thing as the car.
Luis Congdon
It’s so true. There is no magic bullet, and one of the things I’ve seen over and over again is that when couples come to do sessions with me or with Kamala and I is, sometimes they feel at the top, there’s this issue, and that’s what they come in for but as we delve deeper and deeper, we’ll find out they didn’t feel like their wedding went the way it was supposed to and that’s just been bothering them. They’ve never really talked about it, and that takes a lot of work to uncover that. Sometimes it’s so interesting to know why people cheat in relationships.
Related Reading: Recovering From An Affair
Charles Orlando
No doubt, there are some interesting facts about why people cheat in relationships. The term I’ve used with people I’ve worked with that is that “the thing is not the thing” because it’s not.
You come in, and she’s pissed off at him not putting any effort in. Instantly, you get to a place where she says, “Don’t you remember on our third date you never even pulled up my chair,” and he’s like, “Wait the minute! That was like 23 years ago,” and she’s like, “Right! And you still don’t do it.” It’s way back there. She is living in the past because it’s her present. It has come forward.
Luis Congdon
That’s so great you bring that up and that we’re on the same page. I realized we share similar thoughts regarding why do people cheat in a relationship. One of the things I’ve really enjoyed about sitting with you today and discussing why people cheat in relationships. I know Kamala has as well is how genuine you’ve been. I really loved your insights about why people cheat in relationships.
We get so many people who just want to be experts, and one of the things about our show is we like to bring people who offer the sense of being genuine like you have today and have really said, “Hey, I’m human. I can teach you, and I want to let you know that I’ve probably made a lot of the mistakes you’re making as well, and I’m learning. I’m not just this expert that’s perfect all the time.”
Kamala Chambers
Just listening to you has helped to alleviate some of my fears that I have about infidelity and kind of see how irrational they are with the work that Luis and I are doing. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to discuss why people cheat in relationships.
Charles Orlando
No, it’s my pleasure. Can I leave you with something other than why people cheat in relationships?
Kamala Chambers
I would love that.
Luis Congdon
Please.
Charles Orlando
For people who are worried that their partner’s going to cheat, here’s the thing: When you have a relationship between two people, and there’s a disconnection, those things can influence a person’s decision and make them want to go outside but ultimately, the choice for them to leave, go outside their marriage and have an affair, is a choice. They are choosing that path.
If you’ve been through an affair or you have a suspicion, and you’re about to confirm it, the person who’s having the affair is making that decision about them, not about you. It’s not about your inadequacy. It’s not about you not doing enough. It’s not about you not being perfect enough or desirable or any of those things. It’s about your partner making a selfish decision and going outside instead of talking to you about what’s really wrong.
Luis Congdon
Amazing. Great! Loved the insights about why do people cheat in a relationship. It’s been awesome to have you on the show today, Charles. We really love having your company here on the show. Thank you so much.
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