When you're searching for things like 'signs my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore?' We know your marriage is missing that fire.
While this article outlines the signs that your husband has lost interest in you, please note that no one sign alone makes it certain he doesn't find you attractive.
If you’re Googling “signs my husband isn’t attracted to me,” it usually means you’re already feeling rejected, unwanted, or unsure where you stand.
We help couples understand what’s actually driving attraction loss — and what brings it back.
Book a free couples consult to get clarity on what’s happening and your next step.
Table of Contents
Why does my husband not seem interested in me sexually?
Passion can fluctuate for many reasons. Over time, though, if this mismatch between you continues, it will cause many hurt feelings.
Read this article and then address your concerns with your husband directly.
Ask him to talk
Gently ask him to set time aside to talk. And then you can say something like this:
"I've noticed our intimacy has gone way down. I am missing the passion, fire burning, and sex we used to have. I am starting to wonder if you're not attracted to me anymore. Maybe that's not how you feel, but I want us to talk about it."
If he gets defensive
He may get defensive or shut down. That's okay, though. He might feel uncomfortable. You can reassure him with words like this:
"I am not accusing you of anything. It would just be nice to talk. I am feeling insecure and not attractive."
Allow him space to share
Now it's time to listen. Let him open up.
Even healthy couples experience a shift in sexual desire after marriage and throughout their time together.
Relationship chemistry is complicated and can fluctuate, but the relationship goes next when you stop being like best friends.
It hurts your self-esteem when you no longer feel attractive or wanted.
If you're concerned your husband no longer finds you attractive, it's time to consider couples therapy.
To address the more serious issues, you'll need to re-focus on building skills as a couple
Does lack of attraction always mean the marriage is over?
Many couples assume attraction is gone when sex drops, touch disappears, or emotional distance grows.
In reality, attraction often fades because of unresolved conflict, emotional disconnection, stress, or resentment — not because love or desire is gone forever.
Attraction in long-term marriages is created and maintained, not automatic.
When couples learn how to rebuild emotional safety, closeness, and presence, attraction often returns naturally — without forcing sex or trying to “perform” differently.
A couples consult can help you understand whether attraction has faded — or whether it’s buried under something else.
24 Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me
Let's look at some of the most common signs your husband is not attracted to you anymore.
1. He doesn't touch you
Romance needs cultivation.
Touch is the primary way many women feel their husband's attraction.
If he has been absent-minded or emotionally absent, it's likely he hasn't given you the touch you need.
Once simple touching and kissing disappear, most couples conclude that he's no longer sexually attracted.
From there, it's normal that the sexual encounters stop or become so reduced that it hurts our mental health.
To address this problem, we suggest you talk about non-sexual touch. Most of us need it.
Ways to talk about wanting non-sexual touch
"I need to be touched more often. Would you be open to holding me more often, kissing me when you get home, or hugging me at night?"
A straight and clear request for more physical connection can help him meet your needs.
This sign alone does not mean your husband sees you as not being physically attractive.
Try making a clear request for the touch and affection that you need.
Many men, myself included, do not know what their wife needs unless we are asked directly.
Don't put talking to him about how you want to be kissed or touched on the back burner.
If you make it a point to talk and it doesn't help, we suggest you consider couples therapy.
In many cases, the loss of physical intimacy in marriages isn't clear-cut, and there are other aspects of intimacy to explore.
The Intimacy Workshop gives you the tools to address the root causes of why you have lost attraction.
2. He barely tries to have sex with you, and your sex life is suffering
Do you often think, 'My husband doesn’t seem interested in me sexually any more?'
Is your sex life suffering?
Do you long to feel loved and wanted?
When people first meet, the hormones go wild.
However, no couple can ever sustain the initial spark of infatuation.
As time goes on, most couples find their rhythm.
It may be daily, twice a week, once a week, or once a month.
Only you know what’s normal and healthy in your long-term relationship.
But, when your partner starts being very different from that regular pattern of sexual interaction, it’s a sign that something is off.
If your partner is barely initiating sex, and it’s unusual, this is a clear sign that something is amiss.
For example, it could be he’s stressed, you two fight a lot, the communication is off, or he’s not attracted to you anymore.
If you’re looking to re-spark the romance and feel closer to your partner, join the Intimacy Workshop.
3. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He’d often rather masturbate and rarely has sex with you
Does it seem like, 'my husband prefers his hand over me?'
Many married men masturbate.
As a man and relationship researcher who's sat with thousands of couples, I can tell you most men masturbate.
Some research and polls have found that 85% of married men masturbate.
The most important thing isn't whether your husband masturbates.
It’s how often he’d rather masturbate than have sex with you.
It's how connected or disconnected you two feel.
Why does my husband prefer his hand over me?
If your husband consistently prefers masturbating or pornography over sexual intimacy with you, something is amiss in the bedroom.
This could signify something is wrong, but it doesn’t mean your husband finds you unattractive.
Before you assume he’s watching porn or masturbating because he’s lost attraction to you, ask yourself:
- Does he have issues performing?
- Has he had problems with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation?
- Has he ever been insecure in the bedroom?
- Does he have a history of being sexually repressed?
If this is an issue you recognize in your relationship, it will serve your relationship to have an open discussion about masturbation and your sex life. There's no other way around this topic.
In our experience, though, most women on this page have already tried to talk to their husbands about masturbation or porn use.
If you've already talked, our best advice is to call. You need support.
Schedule a complimentary couples consultation with us.
You can get to the root of problems plaguing your marriage with professional guidance.
4. He rejects your sexual advances
No two people will ever sync up sexually 100% of the time.
Sometimes, he’ll want sex, or you’ll want it, and it won’t happen. That happens.
If you’ve started to notice he regularly rejects or turns down your sexual advances, it could be a sign he doesn’t want you sexually for some reason.
It doesn’t mean he’s not feeling attracted to you, but it could be.
You’ll only know by talking. A conversation can help clear things up.
You can start a dialogue with your partner with a simple statement like:
“Hey, I’ve noticed that lately, when I come towards you sexually, you turn me down (or find an excuse for why it can’t happen). It’s been kind of frequent. I’m curious. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
Then listen. See what your husband says.
Then, respond and work together to unearth what’s going on.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “There are too many signs my husband isn’t attracted to me,” you don’t have to figure this out alone.
Many couples feel stuck in uncertainty — not knowing whether to try harder, pull away, or protect themselves.
Book a complimentary couples consult to understand what’s happening beneath the surface.
5. He can’t get it up anymore
A man’s penis is strongly connected to his sight.
What he sees helps his arousal.
When a man can’t get it up for his woman, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in her. But it could mean he’s not attracted to her.
To better assess the situation, it’s a good idea for your partner to seek professional advice from a doctor or counselor to address issues regarding his arousal.
The issue could be mental, hormonal, or he isn’t attracted to you.
Don’t jump the gun and make it mean what it doesn’t.
Instead, talk to him about the issue in a matter-of-fact way.
He may feel shame, so be kind and tell him you’d like to talk to him about his arousal.
Start a conversation about what’s happening and go from there.
Related Reading: I Have No Sex Drive
6. He shuts down after sex
It’s a common stereotype that after sex, men distance themselves and roll over like beached whales.
If that’s a normal thing in your relationship or it’s new – it’s likely something that would be good to address.
It may not mean your husband is not attracted to you, but it could signal something about intimacy avoidance.
Sometimes, men who aren’t attracted to their wives will continue to have sex with them. But afterward, they want to run.
If this happens in your relationship, it could be a sign that he’s not attracted to you or a sign of something else.
Maybe the intimacy and connection are fractured somehow?
Maybe your husband feels ashamed sexually?
Tell your partner you’ve noticed he’s shut down after sex and are curious about what it means. Then listen.
Related Reading: My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy
7. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He suggests you lose weight
When a man wishes his wife would lose weight, he knows he can’t say anything.
Men know that if they directly tell a woman to lose weight, it’ll cause problems or destroy their wife’s self-esteem.
Your husband suggesting you lose weight isn’t a sign that he’s not attracted to you.
In many healthy marriages, it's common for both people to want to lose weight.
I talk to husbands and wives daily, complaining about their weight or partner's size.
Many of us have all kinds of feelings about our own body and each other's appearance.
Just ask my wife; she'll gladly tell you she wishes I had more hair (I'm bald)!
Does that hurt my feelings? Not at all.
I know she loves me and cares for me, and even as our bodies age and change, she and I are confident we are imperfectly perfect for each other.
Losing weight doesn't solve marriage problems
Research shows that most men would find their partner more attractive if she were thinner.
While the male brain is much more visual than a woman's, the data shows men also get highly turned through thoughts and emotions.
In short, if you're worried he might wish you were thinner or more athletic, he probably does wish it or sometimes wants it, but it's not the root cause for why he's losing interest.
You can try to get in shape, but as you'll find from hundreds of comments from women and men on our website - losing weight doesn't do much to change why he's not engaged in the marriage.
8. He talks about his physical attraction to other women
In many private counseling sessions, men shared with me that they wish their wives would lose weight, dress sexier, and care more about their looks.
When I ask the same men if they’ve told their wives, most say it’d likely ruin their relationship.
And when I dig a little deeper, many men confess that they try to hint by telling their wives about other physically attractive women.
“I point out actresses, celebrities, and women on the streets who have a look I like.”
“I tell her how attractive I thought she was when we first met.”
Since most men feel they can’t be direct or openly discuss attraction issues, they’ll often do it passively by talking about other women they find attractive.
So, if your husband is doing that, it’s possibly a sign that he wants you to look different.
9. He suggests getting a new romantic partner
In a long-term commitment, your partner may feel attracted to someone else.
When he spends a lot of time suggesting new partners, it's time you take action.
While there are other explanations and more signs your husband doesn t find you attractive, this is serious.
When he's spending lots of time with porn or talking about other lovers, you need to take immediate action.
Get help. Talk to us. Don't let this drag on.
10. He's not present with you
One of the first things that affects the connection is the loss of presence.
If he's less present with you, this will affect your sense of connection.
As a husband, I know that when my wife feels that my presence has been absent for days or weeks, it changes our feelings of attraction and intimacy.
If he's absent-minded or somehow not 'showing up,' it doesn't necessarily mean he's not attracted to you, but you need to address it.
We strongly suggest you address that you talk to him about this sooner rather than later.
Acknowledge that it feels as if you two are missing that presence and connection.
You can ask questions like:
"Have you been feeling stressed by anything at work?"
"Is there something with family or finances that has you preoccupied?"
"How's your sleep been lately?"
This sign doesn’t mean your husband isn’t attracted to you.
But when coupled with the other signs – it can be something serious.
Address it now with kindness and clarity.
Related Reading: Intimacy Exercises
11. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He’s cold and distant
A cold and distant partner makes it hard to connect.
If you feel your partner has been cold and distant or think he hates you, the best thing to do is to let him know.
If you’d like to change things, you could try taking a date night and playing the couples card games that are scientifically proven to help improve your connection.
A cold and distant partner doesn’t mean the attraction is gone, but it does mean something.
It’s best to ask and find out.
Related Reading: My Husband Makes Me Feel Worthless
12. He doesn’t give you much attention
Men are much more visual than women.
A man can get sexually aroused by looking at someone, whereas women typically need emotional intimacy to get turned on.
When your man turns away and avoids seeing your naked body, it could be because he doesn’t find you attractive.
On the other hand, if he isn’t typically someone who turns away, his behavior could signal a shift in attraction.
Tell him if you sense he’s not sexually attracted to you anymore.
13. He’s flirtatious with other women and not you
When you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s common sense that flirting with others isn’t okay.
If your husband has shut down to your advances, doesn’t initiate sex, and has been shut down – but he’s flirting with other women, he’s not saying something.
A husband who doesn’t show intimacy towards his wife but flirts with other women is possibly not attracted to his partner anymore.
Either that or some of your relationship dynamics need addressing.
14. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore – He talks to you more like one of the guys
It can be fun to be one of the guys. And it can also really zap the romance out of your relationship.
Your husband talking to you like one of the guys can indicate that he's no longer attracted to you.
Therefore, some new behaviors need to be enacted in your relationship.
No matter how close a couple is, it’s not the best when a wife is treated and spoken to like one of the guys.
As the wife, you aren’t one of the guys. You’re more.
Only you know if you like it, but if this and other signs are present, it could signify that the attraction has shifted, and you two would benefit from making changes.
15. You spend a lot less time together
Quality time is an essential part of any relationship, especially a marriage.
When a relationship wanes in romance and passion, partners often spend less quality time together.
In a broken marriage, couples don’t spend much quality time or have fun together and feel distant.
To fix a broken marriage, the couple must learn how to spend more high-quality time together.
If you’re not feeling close to your husband, it’s time to change that.
For fun ways to reconnect and spend time with your partner, check out the Date Night Workbook.
16. He doesn’t invest in your relationship
Anything of value requires attention.
A man who disengages in the relationship is a man who doesn’t value what he has. And he is not paying attention.
The more a man distances himself from working on the relationship, he’s possibly not interested in making things work.
If your husband seems disengaged, you likely feel lonely or emotionally neglected.
If your husband has stopped investing in your partnership, it’s a vital sign that he’s disengaged and something is awry.
All healthy couples have a vision for a shared future.
Healthy couples have dreams and goals that they’re excited to create. They engage in relationship check-ins to discuss the future they’re building together.
When a husband checks out, it’s one of the biggest signs of an impending divorce.
17. He spends most of his spare time on hobbies
A man attracted to his wife will find balance with his time.
He will want time with his wife, hobbies, work, etc.
Attraction calls him to be around his wife, so if your husband is absorbed in his hobbies and not your relationship – begin addressing the issue by talking to him.
If he doesn’t change, it’s a good sign that his attraction has waned.
18. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He doesn’t invite you out with friends
Men and women need to have their own thing.
Sometimes, it’s good for your husband to go out on his own. But if it’s a regular thing and he’s edging you out, there’s something wrong. It could mean you don’t mesh well with his friends, or he’s cheating.
However, just because he doesn’t invite you out doesn’t mean he’s cheating.
If you’re worried your husband is cheating, look for the signs.
For example, when coupled with other behaviors, you might feel like, “These are signs my husband is not attracted to me, so that he might be looking elsewhere.”
Even if your partner isn’t cheating, edging you out of his social life isn’t healthy.
Related Reading: Signs He Doesn’t Love You
19. He doesn’t call, text, or reach out while away
A distant man will make his wife feel hurt.
A connection is created and maintained through communication.
It can be deeply hurt if your husband doesn't call, text, or reach out while on a business trip.
It can feel like your husband is ignoring you.
Tell him that you are disappointed that he hurt you and see what happens.
If nothing changes, it could signify that he’s not attracted to you.
Before you assume anything, tell him how you feel and see what happens.
Related Reading: How To Make Your Husband Desire You More
20. He rarely touches you or has stopped altogether
A lack of physical affection is one of the signs your husband doesn't find you attractive anymore.
Healthy and happy couples touch each other.
Touch is good for your relationship.
Not only does physical contact communicate affection, but touch also improves your health.
Some couples touch more, others less, but whatever you’re used to – when it changes dramatically, it takes a toll on the connection.
Your husband holding your hand or kissing you can go a long way.
In online marriage counseling sessions, we’ve found that when there isn’t adequate touch, it’s a sign that the couple is experiencing some distance.
When you consider a lack of touch, it may leave you feeling like it's one of the signs your husband isn't attracted to you.
It’s best to find out by talking about the situation.
21. Signs your husband doesn't find you attractive - He rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch
If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there’s something wrong.
He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied.
Whatever it is, the impact for you is that you don’t feel loved or cared about the same.
Romance for men and women alike needs cultivation.
A healthy relationship thrives when there is kissing, hugging, and intimate touch.
When your partner doesn’t kiss you very often, it’s a sign something has shifted.
The fix could be as simple as asking for more kisses or taking more work.
However, if you’ve already tried talking to your husband, you’ll want to take specific steps to rekindle the connection.
To help with the process, check out how hundreds of couples have gotten back on track with the Intimacy Workshop.
22. He gets easily upset, and you fight often
If you’ve noticed your husband gets mad more quickly and doesn’t show signs of attraction towards you – it's a red flag.
Your marriage is suffering.
Don’t let this go on without talking about it.
When your husband doesn’t talk about what’s happening, he’ll likely shut down, pick fights, and be more easily agitated.
If your husband becomes defensive, gets mad easily, yells at you, and doesn’t show signs of attraction towards you – talk to him.
Just like lying in a marriage left unchecked grows out of control, a marriage with an explosive partner can also hurt marital longevity.
When this sign shows up, couples tend to report they are not spending time together, and when they do, they're afraid of a blow-up.
In turn, they avoid talking and spend their free time doing anything other than creating quality time.
If this sign is present, let's chat. Schedule a complimentary couples consult.
23. Something feels “off"
Feeling that something is ‘off’ is a powerful, intuitive guide. Listen to it.
In one of my previous relationships, when something felt ‘off,’ I ignored it until I decided to check my girlfriend’s phone one day.
That ‘off’ feeling led me to learn that she was cheating.
I am not saying that your husband is or isn’t cheating.
I’m just suggesting you trust that sense that something is off.
Those emotions you can’t explain are powerful, and when we let them lead us to open up to our partner, they can help immensely.
Trust that feeling and see if you can talk to your husband about what’s happening.
That feeling could signal a big issue or something else that a conversation will help reveal and heal.
Related Article: Surviving Infidelity
24. You’ve tried what he wants, and still nothing
If it still feels like he’s not attracted to you, maybe it’s time to consider counseling.
After you’ve tried all the possible things he wants to increase attraction, it’s time to consider something more radical.
After that, the options become relatively narrow – you either try counseling, leave, or continue with how things have been.
If you’ve tried:
- Losing weight.
- Changing your clothing to be sexier.
- Entertaining his kinks.
- Flirting how he likes.
- Doing the things he likes.
After that, if you still feel he’s not attracted to you – it’s time to do something different.
What To Do If You Think, “There Are Too Many Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore.“
If you’ve read this far and worry your husband isn’t attracted to you. The best advice is to seek professional help.
You can try changing your clothes, flirting, being sexier, etc. But often, the root issue is something only a professional can help address.
Your husband’s lack of attraction is likely mixed with feelings that the relationship isn’t at its best. Getting the input and guidance of an expert is the fastest route to fixing the core issues.
Stop feeling worthless and undervalued, and stop wondering about the health of your marriage.
When attraction fades, most couples make it worse by guessing
When you feel unattractive or unwanted, it’s natural to:
- Try harder to please
- Change your body or behavior
- Pull away to protect yourself
- Avoid talking about it out of fear
Unfortunately, guessing almost always increases distance.
What actually helps is understanding:
- Why attraction shifted
- What kind of connection is missing
- What your husband may be protecting or avoiding
- How to talk about desire without triggering defensiveness
This is exactly what couples explore in a free consultation — clarity before action.
How do I get my husband interested in me sexually?
If your husband shows signs that he’s not attracted to you, let him know.
Unlike dating, where you may have played games, hid things, or played cat-and-mouse, marriage requires deep intimacy and letting your partner in.
But the past tactics only got you so far. This is your marriage.
It can sometimes be scary to share because what if you say the wrong thing? What if he hears what’s happening and then takes his love away?
Showing love can be terrifying. When we express it, we risk rejection. Few things are as painful as love not being received. On the other hand, loving and being loved are the most courageous acts and gateways to connection and unity.
In short, talk to your husband and find out what can help get things back on track.
For more support with reigniting the passion and attraction in your relationship, sign up for the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
What do I do to reignite my husband's attraction?
Realizing that your husband doesn't want you can be very painful.
It can make you feel unwanted, rejected, and lonely.
This can also lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem.
However, there are things that you can do to rekindle the spark in your relationship and make your husband attracted to you again.
Related Reading: How to Make My Husband Attracted To Me
Talk about how you feel
First, talk with your husband about how you've been feeling.
Instead of blaming your partner, focus on your feelings and needs.
For instance, you might say, "I feel disconnected from you lately without as much physical touch," rather than "You never touch me anymore."
Sharing your concerns with your husband in this way allows both of you to talk through the issue together and work towards resolving it.
Spend quality time together
In a relationship, intimacy and passion often decrease as you fall into a comfortable routine and become stagnant.
To break out of this rut, prioritize quality time together and plan regular date nights.
If you typically stay in and watch TV on the weekends, shake things up and try something new together.
Research has shown that participating in novel activities with your partner fuels passion and excitement similar to your feelings during the initial stages of dating.
If you're unsure where to get started with planning dates, we've got you covered.
Pick up the Relationship Workbook for 100+ at-home dates, unique outings, and weekend getaways.
Take care of yourself
Attraction starts with you.
When you prioritize self-care, you radiate confidence and aliveness that attracts your partner's attention.
What makes you feel confident and sexy?
To enhance your love life, focus on embracing your pleasure and becoming more present in your body.
Seek professional help
If you're having trouble fixing your broken relationship, seek the support of a marriage coach.
Marriage coaching provides a safe space to address your relationship challenges and gain new insights.
In addition, a marriage coach will help you develop the necessary tools for a healthy marriage.
Feeling unwanted doesn’t mean your marriage is broken — but it does mean something needs attention.
If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed or at a breaking point:
Access an emergency session for immediate support
If you want clarity and guidance:
Book a free couples consult
How do you know if your husband is not sexually attracted to you?
Signs your husband is not attracted to you include lack of physical affection, decreased frequency of sexual activity, and emotional distance. Additionally, increased pornography use or masturbation, especially if it replaces sexual activity with you, can signal a lack of sexual attraction.
What causes attraction to go away?
It's common for attraction to fluctuate within a romantic relationship. Settling into a predictable routine and lack of novelty often causes a decrease in attraction and desire. Other factors also influence attraction, such as unresolved issues in the relationship, lack of emotional intimacy, and external stressors.
Why does my husband seem uninterested in me sexually?
There could be various reasons your husband appears disinterested in sex, such as unresolved conflict, lack of intimacy, or unmet needs within your relationship. Also, heightened stress levels and physical or mental health issues can significantly affect sexual desire.
What to do when your husband doesn't want you sexually?
Feeling your husband doesn't want you sexually is deeply hurtful and confusing. Start by talking with your husband about your concerns and encourage him to share his feelings without judgment. Also, consider seeking the support of a relationship coach trained to help you navigate challenges around sexual intimacy.
Im not sure ill get a response as this article was posted a while ago but here goes, im desperate at this stage.
Im 30yr female and my husband 31. We have been together for 11 years and married for 4. We have sex maybe every 2 months and only when he is really drunk. This has been going on for a few years. I have asked him about it multiple times and he gives different excuses everytime. Such as ‘ive been working a lot’, ‘its hard to be into you when youre in pj looking like a grandma’, ‘you were having stomach issues’ or lately its because he is insecure. I took on board what he said and got some sexy underwear and tried and he still wanted to play playstation with me instead. Ive asked about the insecurity about his rash and he has always had it so not sure why its only an issue now days, he couldnt explain.
I tried having 3 somes as he suggested it and i am bi so its fun. But then i didnt want to anymore as he would only want sex if there was another girl there. He would also spend most of the time complimenting her and saying how amazing she is, one time one of the girls was like ‘youre wife is pretty hot and amazing too’.
We used to have sex during the days when i got out the shower. Now i get out the shower and he doesnt look at me. Ive raised this with him and he just brushes it off. Even when i calmly ask about sex he gets annoyed and says he is attracted to me but its because x y z or whatever excuse.
Ive now stopped initiating and so we dont have sex. He doesnt kiss me and when i try kiss him he turns his head or just pecks me. He doesnt hold my hand. He doesnt compliment me when i dress up.
He honestly just seems to not be into me, i tell him about my day and he is on his phone or says he doesnt want to know. He gets annoyed at me for little things and tells me to stop talking to loud when i talk to waiters or order drinks.
I cook for him every night and he says he doesnt cook for me as i wouldnt like it and i am too difficult. Hes never got me a birthday gift just tells me to buy something. He doesnt organise dates but complains that i never organise anything. I organise and booked a table for somewhere last week but he wasnt hungry and didnt want to go.
I bought us bed covers as he said he wanted new ones and then when he changed the bed covers he wouldnt use the ones i got as i didnt ask his opion or didnt talk to him about them. I buy all the things he asks for and its never normally an issue. He wont buy his own clothes and complains he doesnt have any nice stuff so i get them for him (we have a joint bank account).
He also goes through my phone as hes commented and dms ive written to friends. I know he watches porn and ive walked in on him multiple times. I wouldnt mind him watching porn if we were also having sex, but we arent. Im spicy in the bedroom and change it up a lot but i honestly dont think im his type. Im like the nerdy cute girl next door, im slim and not super pretty but not at all ugly (i dont think) but he wants a fake boob, blonse haired porn star lol.
He wont see a therapist for himself (i think hes depressed) and he wont see one with me. I just dont know what to do. I love him and try so hard to be what he wants but it doesnt work. We live together and have a dog and cats and have been together so long i cant imagine life without him. Please help.
Hello Lilly – thank you for sharing, being so open here, and sharing a story that has been relayed by so many spouses. As I’ve read your comment, I kept thinking about how much you’ve been feeling rejected, put on the back burner, and how much you’ve tried whatever you can to get your husband’s affection/attention/touch and sex. Doesn’t seem like anything is working. That has to really hurt and it’s made you go into a very normal and yet painful (and not good) pattern of shutting down, not initiating, but still wanting and wishing he’d give you time to talk, discuss, go out, have fun, be sexual, and passionate. The attempts for threesomes, while an understandable attempt to make things better, were only more poison to your pain. Threesomes in marriages are often used as a way to try to save the passion, but they just aggravate the issue more — the partner then only engages sexually when there’s another person and focuses on them more…that stings and usually makes the pain worse. If a couple wants to open a marriage, they must be on good ground and do so with clear boundaries, rules, and expectations and the demand for healthy communication needs to be in place. If you haven’t, please close your marriage to just you two. That’s my first piece of advice. But it’s not the most important, just my first.
Next, I see a lot of red flags. Your partner shuts you out a lot. Sexually he’s doing this, but that is just the veil of the more concerning problems. Sex is usually the thing that makes couples get concerned, but just like being thirsty is a sign that you’ve waited too long to drink water…issues revolving around sex in marriage typically signal other problems that we waited too long to attend to. He won’t open up to you, he rejects your dates, he turns away when you try to kiss him, and he won’t make an effort to take you out, talk to you, or delve into your mind/heart/or pants…there’s great cause for concern. If you want to get out of the martial prison and hurt that you’re in, it’s time to stop asking him to see a counselor with you, you have to demand it. I am not one of ultimatums, but we’re getting real close to, ‘Ilf we don’t do this, our marriage will continue to be miserable’ and that path leads to one of two options (neither is good or great). one you stay together and your lives together are stagnant, full of hurt, shutdown and rejection, and distant partners who pass each other like ships in the night. no intimacy, no contact, no love. Option two – divorce.
You can’t continue to do all that you’re doing and not demand that he go to couple’s coaching/therapy with you. Your post is a common on here and every time the picture is one of the saddest marriages I can imagine. And for the spouses who have kids and live like this…my heart hurts for the whole family. Everyone deserves to be loved, wanted, cared for, attended to, and to have someone who will work for them and work towards learning and growing into the better spouse that they can become. That takes effort. I am sad for your husband too, he sounds like he’s been giving up on life (not just you). I wonder what his workday is like, how he feels when he goes to bed, moves through the motions of life, and how he might be feeling dead inside (and porn might be something that helps him cope, like his alcohol which he clearly uses to medicate his anxieties and then when he does – he wants you, he’s a bit more alive, passionate, and it’s not helping either). Please talk to someone. typically I don’t suggest you see someone alone, not for long anyways, relationships demand both partners to work on stuff so if you go alone it won’t certainly help the marriage but it’ll help you. that’s a good start. but in the long run, we want both of you talking to someone together. We offer complimentary consults which are by phone and don’t cost anything (but there’s definitely an invite to join one of our coaching programs on the call). My main goal is to light a bit of a spark inside you that what you’re experiencing is killing you inside and deadening a very adventurous loving woman who clearly wants to be loved, touched, wanted, and who absolutely deserves that. AS for your husband, something is clearly hurting inside him too, and him hiding it from himself and you isn’t helping. Hopefully he hears you this time around, or at the very least, you begin to work on your own wounds here and where they come from so you can become the change you want to see in your world (and who knows, maybe if you demand it more and get help at least for you, maybe he’ll begin to take action too).
From the male perspective
You have greatly disappointed him or wounded him. He’s not excited about you. Your relationship is an old hat now and he’s accepted the fact that he’s stuck with you. But getting divorced would be worse.
Losing your attractiveness is also a valid disappointment. The only thing he has left is friendship but there is no passion. You can be mad if you want but it’s your fault.
Why is dogs man’s best friend but not woman ? Because dogs know when the Master is displeased it is their fault. They never hold a grudge against the master because It is always the dog’s fault even if they don’t understand it they know it to be true.
But now you’re like the dog that won’t stop peeing on the floor. You can’t do anything right. Unfortunately for you you’re a person not a dog so your pride is going to get in the way.
If he says anything he’s divorced. If he doesn’t say anything eventually he’s divorced. If he does anything he’s divorced. If he doesn’t do anything he’s divorced.
Your husband is not stupid. He’s well aware that most marriages end in Divorce. He also knows that you’re not stupid and Eventually you will grow dissatisfi’d with the situation enough that you’ll file for divorce yourself. He knows that women file for divorce 90 Percent of the time.
He knows that as a woman You can divorce him And find another simp out there to inflate your ego In 5 minutes to get the feel good
There’s always a desperate man out there just around the corner with no standards at all. They haven’t gotten their penis wet In such a long time that they don’t even Know what beauty is anymore.
The bottom line is that your husband has Absolutely no Faith in your commitment To him otherwise he would tell you what’s bothering Him.
And why should he have any Faith in you? He has everything to lose and nothing to gain.
This is why marriage in America is a lost cause because even when men win they lose.
Men like you are the exactly the reason the divorce rate is so high. You’re doing a lot of self projecting I see. It takes two. He’s just as much a part of her unfortunate situation, if not more, then she is. You’re the ignorant simp, for thinking it has anything to do with him losing faith in her commitment, when, it’s just the opposite & with good reason. HE’S most likely cheating on her, & she’s not wanting to believe it, still having faith in HIM. Shes the only one whose put everything in to trying to fix what’s been wrong, only to be gas-lit.
The real disappointment is the fact we women are stuck giving birth to worthless, arrogant, self centered, douche bags, like yourself. You’ve obviously never grown up & learned you’re responsible for your own bullshit, blaming, gaslighting, &self projecting, doesn’t cut it. Marriage is a two way street & a partnership that requires serious work & commitment from both people if they want it to work. Not blaming each other. That means men aren’t the ‘winner’s’ of anything, because in a marriage there’s two people & both partners win or lose together.
After reading what you’ve foolishly written, just know we’ve automatically lost faith in you.
Therefore, until you take the time to educate yourself about women, say by getting your degree in both Women’s Studies & Psychology, keep your ignorant & clueless opinions to yourself. It’s that empty level of stupidity, that you should save for conversations with your like minded, fellow misogynistic, jerk off, buddies.
Women put up with loser’s like you everyday, only to be wrongly blamed & let down time & time again. ..
Maybe the next time you look in the mirror, to admire yourself, like the narcissist you are, you may want to reflect on exactly what it is about you & your personality that makes you so vile & unattractive to us… That’s why your lower anatomy interests none of us.
Women are already hard enough on themselves, without some insensitive, opinionated, predator like yourself, waiting for one of us, out of desperation. Most of us here are well past wanting a one night stand with a self absorbed loser & we have no interest in being stalked.
This would be why many of us opt to remain single, it’s easier then playing head games, & having someone abuse us by refusing to talk about issues or, putting up with infidelity.
It’s ashame you’ve chosen to repeat the hideous pattern of dysfunction & toxicity that you were subject to & witnessed growing up.
The truth is… The probability of any woman ever becoming even remotely turned on, or attracted to you after reading such nonsense is zero. However, I will thank you for taking the time to prove to us we were wrong on one thing, regarding our anatomy, & that is thinking for all this time, it was physically impossible to give birth rectally, & then you came along, proving us all wrong.
So, myth busted.
Oh, by the way…
Many condolences to your mother.
I don’t even remember the last time my husband and I shared a real kiss. He no longer sleeps in our bed, even though I have mentioned multiple times that I get lonely at night. And date night is maybe twice a year? And only because I plan it. I’ve suggested he take a turn planning a date, even an evening at home where we can cook together and watch a movie. He makes excuses that it’s too hard to plan or too expensive or he can’t think of any good ideas. It’s upsetting that he isn’t willing to put in the effort to spend quality time together. I’m tired of being alone every night.
I don’t even remember the last time my husband and I shared a real kiss. He no longer sleeps in our bed, even though I have mentioned multiple times that I get lonely at night. And date night is maybe twice a year? And only because I plan it. I’ve suggested he take a turn planning a date, even an evening at home where we can cook together and watch a movie. He makes excuses that it’s too hard to plan or too expensive or he can’t think of any good ideas. It’s upsetting that he isn’t willing to put in the effort to spend quality time together. I’m tired of being alone every night.
After years of doing all the wage earning, housework, errands, cooking and parenting while my wife did nothing but complain, I lost all interest in her. I was tired of the verbal abuse, gaslighting, being embarrassed by her in public, and her telling lies about me. I don’t want to leave, because our sexist family courts would probably give her custody, and I know the kids would be horribly neglected if I weren’t around. I have no desire to have sex with her. And no, I will not have an affair, do not use porn, and do not masturbate. Although she constantly accuses me of doing all the above. I don’t initiate sex and turn her down if she does. I don’t want to take her on dates, give gifts, or even touch her. With men, it’s no respect = no attraction. I really wish she would walk out the door and never come back. She is nothing but a constant negative influence in my life, and I have no desire to associate with any woman ever again.
You sound my like husband. Raff?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years. He’s a lot older than me he’s in his 50s. Things were very sexual at the beginning.. about 5 years ago he started having ED. I took it personally and it really hurt me. But he developed major performance anxiety from it, because he saw how it hurt me, which didn’t help him. and it was just a mess. Also when we have sex he just acts like its routine, like robotic. He doesn’t make me feel intimate.
Otherwise he is very affectionate throughout the day, kisses me, hugs me, holds my hand etc. which is all great.
I just want someone to desire me and it hurts when he can’t get it up.
Over the last year or so he really tried to make things better so I give him credit for that. But I noticed he was looking at pornographic photos of naked women. As far as I know he doesn’t watch porn but like looks at photos. For all I know he watches porn when I’m not home. I confronted him about it and he lied and said he doesn’t do that. But I know it was a lie. So now I’m like, if he lies about that what else does he lie about? if he’s fantasizing over other women when he cant even get it up with me.. It was a rough year for him, financial stress, family stress. like everything was falling apart. SO I let it slide.. I would prefer It not to become a habit, because if you love someone you want them and only them.. Right?? Plus getting off on other women just screws everything up. Expectations change etc.
But things got a little better in the bedroom. I think he was like conditioning himself for that. But now he always wants to turn the lights off when we are intimate.
And now I’m thinking about this, like is this because he thinks im not attractive?
I cannot compare to porn stars with fake boobs. He’s looking at these women with massive boobs and I have like A-cups. It does make me a bit insecure but I try to not let it get to me. He claims he lives for me. And he used to be very attracted to me for sure. this is all new, and I’m wondering what I’ve done wrong.
Can I ask is this normal??? like, if he can now perform in bed with me should I just be happy and forget about the rest? I dont need sex a crazy amount of time.. just like a few times a month is good for me. He doesn’t seem to want it too too much, but never has. that hasn’t changed in 12 years.
My husband and I have been together for ten years married for nine. We were very active in bed when we first got together and were fairly regular as time went on. Recently though since we moved and my husband had a promotion, and he has high blood pressure he cannot get it up. He says he cannot take viagra. He started watching porn again which I am very against. I try to initiate anything but I get turned down. Me trying to get up will take to long he says. I am so frustrated and hurt.
Samantha,
I’m 38 and have been married for 19 years. If my husband did that, I’d walk away without remorse.
You shouldn’t be the only one putting the effort into your marriage. He’s slacking and making you feel unwanted, it’s time to cut him out.
Pamper yourself, love yourself! ❤️
Move on! Remember, he is easily replaced and maybe he needs to feel this in order to see your worth.
You need to see your worth.
You’re a beautiful soul, don’t forget that! 🥰
Yeah this can’t be real… dude started a new role in a new city, probably stressed AF and you would walk?
Probably a great thing for him!
Wow how about have empathy for your man he could be going through a lot of stress with new job supporting his family and you want to what walk away
deadgirlalive1969! @yahoocom. I can turn him on while we are kissing then to have sex he can’t
Lose your extra weight. Wives have no excuse to carry extra weight. Wear some sexy lingerie – not the tame stuff, something that makes YOU feel like a dirty whore. Learn to do a lap dance. Learn to deepthroat. Swallow.
We are naughtier than you think. I am sick of initiating. Mine days he us in much touch with his feminine side. Not sure if he us cheating again, having a crisis, or switching teams. Men are sick fucks and do are you @chauvanistic
Agreed!
Stop advising other women to leave their husbands. Just stop!!!!
The most satisfying answer… I have found here
Hi Samantha- this must be very difficult for you and I really sympathise with your situation. The best thing to do is to immediately stop initiating sex with him, stop doing all those little extra things for him like special meals, organising date nights etc, and start putting all your energy into yourself and your children if you have any.
It’s also time to set some boundaries with your husband- tell him that if the porn continues, you will no longer be his primary source of being fed and looked after around the home, and that he will now be responsible for taking care of his other needs, as he is already doing that sexually with his porn habit. This is not easy at first and takes alot of courage to initiate, especially if you are financially dependent on him and have no other means of support. If you do however, start by setting up your own banking account, inform him which bills you will contribute to and how much is fair to each of you, and how he will now be responsible alot more at home.
When men see that women mean business and are prepared to take serious action over disrespectful behaviour, they most often will sit up and take notice and make changes. If things continue as they are and a woman makes no attempts to change anything or set boundaries, the bad behaviour just continues- often for years and years of total misery.
This is not a game- this is about putting yourself and your needs above his and realising that in order to be happy he must learn to respect you and your marriage- even if it takes tough love to get there. Men do not want women they can easily disrespect or treat contemptably, no matter what they say to the contrary. I’ve been where you are, and I’ve learned that standing up for myself, being strong and setting firm boundaries are the only way to gain respect from a man. Its not all easy sailing, but at least you can hold your head high and know you’ve tried your best.
Good luck and all the best.
I am 2 years into healing from his affair. I accept some responsibility for our marriage problems and have been working on being a better wife. One of the complaints was our very vanilla sex life. I have gotten more creative in the bedroom, open to new ideas and toys. Important to mention, husband struggles with ED, so intercourse is almost out of the question. He recently bought a sex doll, claiming it was for me. I’m noticing that we can’t have any intimacy without “her” involved. He even takes Viagra but has intercourse with the doll to the point of finishing while I sit on the sidelines. He made the comment that sex is easier with the doll! How do I handle this? I feel replaced by a silicone doll
Hello Jenn – as I read your comment, I just have to ask, ‘has he accepted responsibility for the infidelity?’ I just get this sense you’re taking a lot of responsibility, and wonder if he’s done the work to make you feel safe, heard, and done what you need to feel emotionally connected and grounded as a couple? that part is really important too. The doll thing shows me there’s some big issues at play that are not purely ED but more what is typical with physical intimacy and ED which is mental and emotional. Of course a doll is easier, there is no one talking back, needing, or requiring nurturing. In no way do I want to sound like I am blaming your partner, but I also want to stress that my insight is you are needing connection and not getting it and now the doll has taken a role in your relationship that keeps you feeling on the ‘out’ I don’t ever judge a couple and have heard so much I know there are many complexities in relationships that are nuance. The thing I get here is you don’t feel connected to your partner, there’s been an infidelity and I can’t let that go without inquiring into what has been done to heal from that trauma in the relationship (most couples try to ‘get over it’ but don’t and can’t until it’s actually been addressed and healed). It’s good to hear you are open to trying new things and lack of stimulation and excitement can lead couples to disconnect, but that in no way makes this a YOU problem or issue you must deal with alone. I hope you two seek some support to speak with someone, my gut tells me you are increasingly feeling less wanted, emotionally ignored, and are not getting the intimacy you desire (intimacy being a big spectrum of touch, conversation, and sexual intimacy). I am sure there are many good things too, so, I am only focused on what you left as a comment and it tells me you and your spouse will do well to speak with someone so you can heal, come together, and both of you can have the intimacy/connection you desire.
What if you are married 40 + years,no intimacy,no sex for ten years,do u still stay?, What are you staying for.
Leave ..emotional abandonment and denial of sex are legitimate reasons to leave. You will feel empowered without a male figure in a contract with you.
I feel so backwards in all the comments here. I’m a 39 yr old male. I want loving all the time. I would do it everyday if I could. To me I love the sensuality of it all, sex is more than an hour event for me, I find myself thinking about touching every inch of my wife, I enjoy to give massages, every touch for me is electricity. I am a sensual man every aspect of loving is important and I would never leave the bedroom unless I leave her as a puddle of jello. I guess I love the idea of controlling how she orgasms. My problem seems to be the opposite then most people here. My wife of 16 years has no interest in sex at all. I didn’t think I asked much, I love a girl in heels, I have bought some very sexy heels for her but she has no interest at all to wear any. I’m not even asking for her to wear them in public just in the home, I asked her to tell me she’s not wearing underwear even if she is… the thought that she isn’t on my mind all day…sigh…. I have turned to pornography but I hate it.. I want the touch of my wife. I watch more for quality of my life, because otherwise all I think of is sex, I can’t go out in public I start to fantasize about anyone around me and that’s not honoring to my wife and I am ashamed of myself. I would do anything to change the situation I am in, I am very affectionate, I have no problems losing weight though I am fit and healthy, I would strip tease, wash dishes , mop the floor in a thong I really don’t care… all I want is to be desired by my wife and I don’t know what else I can do. Ive learned to time when she gets changed just so i can see her, We have sex maybe once every 2 months now, I hate to beg, but I try to ask respectfully, eventually she gives in but that just breaks my heart. I don’t want it if your just placating me. I haven’t had an orgasm from sex in a long time, I usually go take care of myself afterwards. And in truth I don’t even do it for the orgasm, I just want the intimacy. The kiss, the snuggle afterwards. In all honesty I thought this was the case for most couples I always thought the guy was the initiator and women just turned them down all the time. I had no idea men would rather watch porn than kiss their wife. I’m confused. I compliment her, call her beautiful as often as I can, I encourage and support, I have communicated my frustrations, but the response is that she’s had 3 kids and has no desire anymore. Is that normal? Is there something I can do to lower my libido? I’ve just always thought the problem was with me…. I was hoping by hitting 40 my want would wane to match hers but I’m not that lucky.
She could be starting menopause, which can cause a huge dip in libido. She could be depressed. Maybe you aren’t speaking her love language(look it up if you aren’t sure). Talk to her about it. If she knows you are watching porn, she’s going to feel even worse about her body, so that should be stopped asap. There are filters that you can use to help curb the temptation. Covenant eyes is one of them.
Maybe counseling would be beneficial for both of you.
Oh wow, that just broke my heart to read that. I would give anything to have a man love and want me the way that you desire your wife. I’m stuck in a relationship where I don’t get much romantic love. Yes we have sex about once a week and he usually makes sure my needs are met, but from time to time he complains that it’s too much work trying to ensure that I orgasm every single time. That’s prolly the reason he stopped being intimate with me every other day like we used to. But I can’t help that I never have and can’t orgasm from penitration alone. And putting a vibrator to my own self during intercourse feels like I’m just getting myself off with a vibrator and isn’t satisfying to me. I want my man to get me off. Not having to touch myself during our intimate time to get off or whatever. What’s the point of having intimacy with another person if u have to get yourself off every time. I can do that alone. No I want my man to please me. The way you seek out to try to meet ur wife’s needs sounds amazing. I wish my man would try to make changes for me. I never get any kind of intimate touch unless we are having sex and stuff. Thats the only time he pays attention to me sexually or intimately. The only kiss I ever get besides the once a week sex time, is a peck on the lips goodbye when he leaves to work. No intimate kiss on the couch, no holding hands or cuddling anymore. We have a two and four year old and don’t get much alone time. But he won’t make time for me anyways. Even when both kids are preoccupied and we do have some free time, he wont spend that with me. We usually are in different rooms and I’m watching TV or stitching ans he is on his phone. He has been on the phone alot lately. Even when I ask him to put it down and pay attention to me, he doesn’t hear me. The only way he listens to me is only after I get to the point of yelling to get his attention. I dont want to have to yell for him to pay attention to me. I want him to when I ask the first time. I want him to without me even having to ask. Yeah I have gained weight. I have had four kids. I’m 200 now. But I’m still pretty. He still finds me sexy sometimes but usually only when he is really horny anyways and it’s been about a week since he got off. He used to flirt with me daily. I’m just not attractive to him anymore. He hints around alot for me to lose weight. But its hard when I’m depressed and my only happiness is food bc I have no life. No friends, no family who cares much anymore. No life besides sitting at home and taking care of kids and cleaning up their messes all day every day. It sucks. I want a life so I can lose weight. If I stopped eating the foods I loved, then I would be miserable. Eating only diet food, taking care of toddlers and dealing with them making messing and fighting with no one to talk to ir ever visit in person with and a man who doesn’t support u emotionally or care about how u feel or that u can even talk to about how ur feeling bc he will say something negative to u instead of trying to make u feel better, that’s a miserable sounding life.
Sounds like she doesn’t appreciate or realizes what she has. I wish I had this with my husband
I think any women that read what you wrote would want to clone you for themselves. I echo everything you said but reversed as I am a woman. I get submerged in the feelings of intimacy all of it. Makes my heart pound and almost puts me a ease in a sense. You are very connected to yourself and desires. She is a very, very lucky woman to have you. Hope she realizes that.
Take Care
You Sound exactly like me. I think we all require different levels of physical touch and intimacy. For me nothing would make me feel more loved and desires than having my hubby wanting me daily. Of course I’m the one wanting some kind of physical intimacy daily or at least every other lol but he is always tired and makes me feel to needy!
I think any women that read what you wrote would want to clone you for themselves. I echo everything you said but reversed as I am a woman. I get submerged in the feelings of intimacy all of it. Makes my heart pound and almost puts me a ease in a sense. You are very connected to yourself and desires. She is a very, very lucky woman to have you. Hope she realizes that.
Take Care
“I didn’t think I asked much, I love a girl in heels, I have bought some very sexy heels for her but she has no interest at all to wear any. I’m not even asking for her to wear them in public just in the home,”
The only thing I have an issue with is that you’re asking her to do things that make her seem attractive to you, versus asking her what things would make HER feel more attractive about herself. A lot of women are responsive desire, whereas men are spontaneous desire. You might like her in heels, but if that’s not how she feels sexy then that’s not going to work.
I have been together with my man for only 3 months. I noticed I was the one who initiate intimacy more Ann addressed that to him. He said that he stopped seeing me as a sexual object because of the many times I turned him down in the beginning (as we started dating he kind of pushed me to be intimate but I rejected him as I was still not ready for that).
As a woman (attractive one) I felt bad hearing this and wanted to stop seeing each other and he agreed. The thing however is that I really like him and miss him. Do you think there is still a chance for us or is it better to let go..?
I’m a 45 y/o woman who wants sex at least once a week and my spouse is a 52y/o man who only wants sex about every 2 months. And the sex is 10 minutes long (if he can get it up)with no real foreplay and we both get off then it’s business as usual. I feel like I can’t initiate sex because he has always turned me down since we started living together 9 years ago. He is always son social media (chatting with other women) and looking at porn and masturbates regularly but says he’s happy with and attracted to me. I’m feel so alone and sexually dissatisfied but I do care about him and I am still physically attracted to him. I’m so tired of having sex with myself as I can only get off from penetrative sex and I prefer to have a partner rather than an inanimate object. He keeps talking about getting married but I can’t marry someone who probably won’t even want to consummate our marriage. I feel so lost and dread the thought of splitting up at this time in my life. Is this what life becomes?
Luis I would really like some input on this situation as I’m literally sitting in limbo with my relationship. I care about my spouse but it’s killing me. I’ve thought about asking to open the relationship for me but I don’t want to have sex with anyone else, just him. I feel so alone that I think maybe I would be better off alone rather than putting so much energy into a relationship that isn’t reciprocal. My spouse suddenly has absolutely no libido now and says he’s working on it with his doctor but I don’t foresee anything positive coming of it.
L – Happy to offer some input. Given the info you have given, it sounds like your partner is saying it’s biological. If that is the case, what does he tell his doctor says? Typically it’s low test or depression, and most often (according to experts in the field of sexuality) it’s in the mind. This is why I typically suggest couples start talking to someone, so much of intimacy is emotional, even for men.
Opening the relationship at this point is a bad idea. I have nothing against any relationship and fully support any type of relationship partners design. The problem isn’t open or closed, it’s the foundation. Even healthy poly and open couples have the fundamentals down, and I’d stress that quite often they have to work double-time to get those fundamentals in place in order to have a healthy, safe, and open relationship. Also, after doing this work for quite a long time, I personally believe (with strong evidence) very few people are truly wired to be in an open relationship.
When I hear you say, “maybe I would be better off alone rather than putting so much energy into a relationship that isn’t reciprocal” I take that to mean that your partner’s low libido and your sexual frustration have stronger undertones that extend outside of the bedroom… Almost every single time I approach intimacy problems with couples, we always uncover other underlying issues. Intimacy most of the time is a symptom of bigger problems. If intimacy is where we compound our problems, it’s oftentimes easier to zoom out and look at where these problems also exist. For example, a woman will complain about the intimacy but then add that their partner doesn’t help around the house that much, or doesn’t take time to listen to her feelings, or doesn’t do things to make her feel attractive and wanted — and those issues, believe it or not, are bigger than the sex stuff. If we can clear those zoomed-out issues, quite often, the intimacy stuff begins to resolve itself or it’s just much easier to approach the topic and utilize healthy skills to resolve intimacy.
What do you think? Am I right to point out, that with the limited information I have here, you are saying that your partner’s lack of reciprocity also exists outside the bedroom? And, if he is going to the doctor it would be good to know in finer detail what he and the doctor are up to — you deserve to be in the know.
If you want to have some expert input feel free to write more here or reach out for a consult/session. Happy to be of service.
Let me just add something that i didn’t read mentioned. I have been with my partner for 4 years. And, as much as i love her i want to slit my throat after thinking about the decision i made to stay with her. WHY????? MENOPAUSE.. Created by the devil himself. — throw on a dabble of depression, knee surgery, IBS-D, anxiety, Battered wife syndrome from her X husband, Fibromyalgia, complete body pains, sleep disorders, and other health issues she has and i sometimes just don’t know what to do. This is not a joke. I’m 51 and she’s 58. I’ve known her for 20 years and always thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and had a great personality. Until we started dating. Holy crap, why didnt i act on the RED FLAGS??!! And i just kept trying and trying and now it’s like i just feel sorry for her because she can’t control her health issues, and she’s not at all at fault. I don’t want to abandon her but i am so damn lost that even know i’m in a down whirl spiral of depression. I read the above article and just feel EVERYTHING THAT WAS WRITTEN.. I just needed to get this out.. Sorry for the story.. i wish all luck who are going through their challenges. This shit is NO JOKE..
Thank you Luis and you are mostly right about the more than just intimacy issues. I blame myself for allowing him to disrespect me and to allow him to not be helpful around the house, but I own that. I have opened up about my feelings many times in hope that maybe we can work on these things but I feel unheard as he usually cuts me off or turns things around or he just picks up his cellphone while I’m talking. We have attempted counselling twice in the past and he ends up storming out when he doesn’t like what he hears. I don’t know what else to do and this complete lack of intimacy really makes it worse. He won’t really share what’s happening at his doctors appointments other than to say he’s working on it.
I really appreciate you reading this and letting me vent somewhere safe.
Buddy I am literally in the exact same boat. I’m 49 she’s 54. Menopause started halfway through last year and I don’t even know this woman anymore. We can do nothing everything hurts. Sex drive GONE. Menopause is unbelievable and I’m really doing all my best to work with her. Suggesting hormone replacement therapy anything at this point would be awesome. So frustrated and feeling unwanted sucks!!
Check his search history and look for porn. That’ll ruin a man’s sex drive if he into it too much. It happened to me. Four months of great sex started to wane all of a sudden. He was watching it at work and home. I even found out he jerked off on our 1st yr anniversary and we didn’t have sex that night. I even saw that he watched it for hours on end. Disgusting.
Porn, online chatting with other women…. he’s not FAITHFUL if he’s getting off on myriads of OTHER women!! Who can compete with that?!? He needs to get off the porn and focus his sexuality on YOU- Professional help- It’s an addiction that will lead to an empty, unloving relationship, where you are left in a continually broken hearted, sexually ignored state. It’s NOT erectile dysfunction, or a physical issue- If he won’t get professional help, RUN!!!
My husband and I have been married for years.
But for the last 25 years he no longer wants me. He would rather masterbait. I cry softly often. He gets angry when I bring it up.
What I want is to feel loved.
Why me. Why did I marry someone that had to of known that he possibly had a preference. I never dreamed I would be so lonely.
I have been so lonely for years.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m laying here crying in the same situation. In every way else he loves me. We fixed all medical deficits. He is still mot aroused and continues to watch porn instead of reaching for me. I’m very fit and sexy. So it’s not about the looks at all. We are 49 and 55.
This sort of is like what is going on in my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years. He’s a lot older than me. Things were very sexual at the beginning.. about 5 years ago he started having ED. I took it personally and it really hurt me. But he developed major performance anxiety from it, because he saw how it hurt me, which didn’t help him. and it was just a mess. Also when we have sex he just acts like its routine, like robotic. He doesn’t make me feel intimate.
Otherwise he is very affectionate throughout the day, kisses me, hugs me, holds my hand etc. which is all great.
I just want someone to desire me and it hurts when he can’t get it up.
Over the last year or so he really tried to make things better so I give him credit for that. But I noticed he was looking at pornographic photos of naked women. As far as I know he doesn’t watch porn but like looks at photos. For all I know he watches porn when I’m not home. I confronted him about it and he lied and said he doesn’t do that. But I know it was a lie. So now I’m like, if he lies about that what else does he lie about? if he’s fantasizing over other women when he cant even get it up with me.. It was a rough year for him, financial stress, family stress. like everything was falling apart. SO I let it slide.. I would prefer It not to become a habit, because if you love someone you want them and only them.. Right?? Plus getting off on other women just screws everything up. Expectations change etc.
But things got a little better in the bedroom. I think he was like conditioning himself for that. But now he always wants to turn the lights off when we are intimate.
And now I’m thinking about this, like is this because he thinks im not attractive?
I cannot compare to porn stars with fake boobs. He’s looking at these women with massive boobs and I have like A-cups. It does make me a bit insecure but I try to not let it get to me. He claims he lives for me. And he used to be very attracted to me for sure. this is all new, and I’m wondering what I’ve done wrong.
Can I ask is this normal??? like, if he can now perform in bed with me should I just be happy and forget about the rest? I dont need sex a crazy amount of time.. just like a few times a month is good for me. He doesn’t seem to want it too too much, but never has. tHat hasn’t changed in 12 years
We have been married for 30 years. very active and fun sex life for a long time. I have gained weight, my husband has health issues that have impacted his mobility and physicality. we really love being together but the sex has dropped off dramatically. i discovered he has been masterbating and it has wrecked me. i feel betrayed but have pretty much just blamed myself for it due to gaining weight. i want to lose the weight but i am afraid that once that happens and he is interested again that i may feel resentful and sad. but then again, i’m already pretty depressed about it. i just have to lose the weight and see what happens i guess.
It’s not the weight, and even if it is, it’s only a smidge of what the deeper issues are. I can tell from various responses, i need to make it much clear: your weight and appearance are only a fraction and most likely irrelevant. What matters the most is the emotional connection. Have you taken time to talk to him about how you’re feeling and check in with him so as to help create a deeper dialogue. If he does orgasm so fast and shows such little interest in sex, it’s very realistically possible he’s ashamed, has hang-ups…there’s a list of things that it could be. The only way you’ll know is if you two can open up a dialogue. Your weight is most likely not even an issue, and even if it is, the most powerful step is helping you two have stronger communication. Intimacy, for men and all people, is about connection.
I took your advice and began a conversation about it. I took a deep breath and just started! Ugh. It was hard to begin but it was worse just dwelling on it and not solving anything between us. I did not want to make him feel in any way embarrassed or attacked about masterbating, but more importantly how it was impacting our relationship. Firstly, he denied it. He said that it’s possible that he is ejaculating in his sleep. I am not sure this is entirely the truth. I’m not exactly sure if this is something that happens to men sometimes or not, maybe it is especially if they haven’t had sex in a while. (opinion?) We both did agree that my weight does play a part because (most) men are visual and he admitted honestly that he has been more turned on by when I’ve been in shape. I decided to listen to his honest thoughts and not be offended. I don’t disagree because I do have to lose weight. I’ve let myself get overweight and lazy in that area. Not saying that I have to be perfect, but at least making an effort to show that I care about myself, my health and the physical aspect of our sex lives. Next we had an open conversation about needing to put more effort in to getting fit together (bike riding together, encouraging each other to eat right, cooking healthy meals together etc.) Due to certain health struggles that he is battling with right now he told me that he doesn’t feel as attractive as he used to when he was younger, stronger and more fit. It seems that as we’ve gotten older we have both had our own issues that deeply impacts our self image and that spills over into our sex lives in lots of ways. Not as much flirty touching, getting naked in front of each other, showering together…all which used to lead to more fun in the bedroom. We agreed that we both need to make more of an effort in making our sex life a priority. We can too easily fall into a rut…I work until I’m so tired that I just crash at the end of the night, and my husband enjoys movies until he is tired. We have to get back to making “sex dates”. It will take work, but a little effort does go a long way. Last question…do you think it’s possible that he was just embarrassed to admit that he releases himself so he doesn’t have to go through the effort of having sex? is it possible he is having these “wet dreams” ? He said that he is experiencing low T and has urinary issues. Maybe it’s just a lot of his own physical frustrations that also play a part. It felt great to open up the dialogue and get some of my fears and frustrations out in the open. I think he needed reassurance that I still find him attractive and that was the last thing I thought he needed. Then we showered and got naked. lol
I’m happy for you Marta 😊. I hope more couples can find their way together through conversation. I have tried having that conversation before and he got so defensive even though I was very cognizant of using “I feeI” instead of “you” statements. He always turns things around as my fault and then gets angry and leaves the room. You are a lucky lady that your spouse listens to you and wants to work on your relationship together
Wow this has to be written by a man
Lose weight
Get kinky
Do everything to make your man happy
It’s 2022 not 1952
Scarey artical no wonder women prefer to be single
Not sure how you get that there are suggestions to ‘lose weight’ or ‘get kinky’
If that is the primary takeaway you got, I apologize because that is not the intention here. Nearly 2,000 words and the words ‘kinky’ or weight are barely mentioned for a reason. Losing weight does not equate to marital satisfaction and attraction. The data is clear about that. It can help some to do things to spice things up, but at the root of marital dissatisfaction is always a couple who is missing emotional connection.
I am not an advocate of basic topical and quite often unhelpful suggestions such as ‘get kinky’ or ‘lose weight.’ Those things can be helpful, but that’s not what my 15 years of research show to be at the root of marital conflict, discontent, or unhappiness. The goal of the article is to say – here are the signs that your partner may not be attracted to you. From there the article goes on to say, “You can try losing weight, changing your clothes, flirting more, being sexier, and whatever else. But quite often the root issue is something that only a professional can help address.” The fact that many women do not feel sufficiently loved, attractive, and cared about in their marriage is not about ‘attractiveness’ but rather about deeper underlying relationship challenges such as; how we talk about issues, how we listen, how we stay emotionally connected, and much more which is of more importance than ‘staying fit.’
I do agree though, the article can be scary. Given the data that shows many women do not feel attractive to their spouse, that is scary.
To assure we are all clear, the advice isn’t to ‘lost weight’ or ‘get kinky.’ All that can easily be found in Vogue, Cosmo, or any grocery store check-out line. My advice, as stated in the article is to create open communication. Despite what pop culture suggests to women ‘getting skinny’ to being more attractive it’s pretty clear that marital longevity and happiness is not found in body types, but rather in deep emotional connection. And because our bodies change, there is no way we can keep up with superficial ideas of attraction. Attraction, at its core, is about how well couples can stay connected emotionally.
Men and women alike can find themselves feeling dissatisfied for many reasons. The answer is always in emotional connection, open communication, reduced conflict, stronger and faster recovery after fights, and a bond between two great friends who love and trust each other. Everything else is icing on a cake.
I hope this helps to clarify things a bit. If you have any advice as to how this might be clearer in the article or other articles we are always open to hearing from readers. I appreciate your comment and hope you know now that the intention is to guide couples towards deeper connections and not towards cheap vogue advice telling women to change their bodies.
If it was written by a man can he send it to my partner of 22 years. We had a normal sex life till 2013 for 13 years slowly intimacy was withheld then ceased altogether I put it down to his health by accident I came across a secret twitter account and found out he had been having an emotional affair with a female workmate who he worked night shift with. I’d never heard her name or met one person who he worked with. Stupidly I took the ‘were just friends’ you don’t keep platonic friends secret he refused to let me be on his social media especially Facebook. All the nights I’d layed at home alone worrying about him while he was playing games, once in 22 years has he mentioned me as the Mrs went to ?? Only as I told him it was embarrassing when my friends were posting holiday snaps, meals out etc. Later I found out he had lied said going to a man’s work do it was hers 5 mins before taxi came he was in the bathroom liking her outfit for the night and came home at 6am only as he’d gone at 6pm and at 5.50am I txt said r u coming home. he went to visit her at home once with other workmates as she had broke her ankle in a drunken fall it then came out he went twice and alone. The same time I was in hospital with pneumonia and he wasn’t able to visit me. He isnt from this area and got 4 buses each time before i bought him a car. I asked to check his phone first time ever in 2017 he promised he hadnt seen her since 2015 yet she was at his leaving do in 2017 again im not invited to and one photo of Me on and loads of them draped round each other at various events looking like a couple. He deleted them then I found the first ever di*k pic I’d seen he had sent to her he said it was Banter.. bullshit it’s disgusting and he said it wasn’t him and out of the 8 billion people how did the picture look the double of him the pattern of his bit of chest hair. He’s always breadcrumbs me next month, next holiday etc and laugh or cry now we have been intimate twice since 2013 it’s now 2022 we share the same bed and he will hold my hand couldn’t pick me out in a line up..I know he has a libido as he’s watched porn not as often now. I’m no prude but this was filth and does DIY I think disrespectful he can have intimacy not me I can’t remember the last time I had a real kiss or his hand slipped anywhere. I’ve asked him if he wants to leave he says no I’m the love of his life I’m not sure if he’s punishing me for taking away his playmate. By withholding intimacy. Previously his phone was tattooed to him now I know why. Now he’s put my birthday as passcode and I’ve told him if I ask for his phone I expect him to pass it and if he doesn’t go all tantrumsish I’ll know nothing to hide. I even had to give him lessons into how to txt colleagues professionally and if they start with the xxxx etc to say work related please. Has he become lax with the phone as he knows I won’t look. Facebook he says it’s for privacy taken add friends off and no friends shown and the same 3 pictures since 2013. He has apologised for being naive and bit dim and for hurting my feelings. Yes and now I can’t tell if you are lying, trustworthy, cheating again just better at it. Did something physical happened grass not greener when all your workmates have done it too or is he feeling too bad to be intimate with
me as I’m second best and he’s staying for my house my car he’d have to get a little bedsit if he left. Not once has he not defended her in the few times it comes up. And in 2013 I was diagnosed with Addisons Disease till 2015 so he was at it when I was at rock-bottom with my health and she was one year older than his stepdaughter. Now I don’t want to be intimate with him but I want to have human contact and kisses and cuddles from someone who makes me feel wated, attractive, loved etc. I’m sick of lying in the dark crying quietly as I stare at his back. I have laughed with him over the last few weeks saying we are like roomates..he has no empathy and all the conversations were by me.partly due to the steroids but I’m now biting my gums to not initiate chats and see how long he goes saying nothing. Anyway sorry rant but a healthy guy is getting itcsomewhere and not once in years even been tempted for pity or charity sex packing his bags tomorrow
Sorry to hear that, Angie. Are you doing better now? I’ve been in a similar situation. My husband refused sex or any type of intimacy for a long time (thankfully that changed during the pandemic).
But yes…I had the same problem as you. He refused sex, preferred porn, chatting with women online, emotional affairs with coworkers, an ex-girlfriend, and he even implied (to married male friends of his) that he had possibly visited hookers.
The last part I can’t prove…but it showed that he wasn’t who I thought he was. Oh, and he also told one of the coworkers (a woman I suspect him of cheating with) that he wanted to be “childfree” despite telling me for years that he wanted kids.
I’m attractive, not fat, keep myself in shape and have tried to do all the “right” things. Sometimes we have to realize that we are not the problem here. We can’t fix what is broken in somebody else.
We can only work on self-improvement and self-worth. If they don’t change their ways, then we have to find a way out so that we are not hurt even more.
Also, what you said about social media…that is one way that I caught him. After many years of marriage, I noticed (in addition to other things) that he wouldn’t take pictures with me anymore.
He claimed that it was “privacy” and his job, but over time I realized that he was being secretive.
He pretended to dislike social media but was using it to chat with women, look at porn, etc.
He was also (like your partner) acting single at work. Sometimes he would mention me to people at his job, but I only met a few of them.
Otherwise he was trying to hide the fact that he was married. It came out when we were on vacation last year and he blew up at an event where our photos were taken by a professional photographer.
He got so mad that I was stunned at first. Then I started to wonder, and then I started to connect the dots as to why he acted that way.
He didn’t want anyone to see pictures of us (although I rarely post on social media anyway) because then people would ask questions, and he would have to tell other women that he is married.
My presence isn’t something he can deny or hide anymore. In this New Year, I’ve told him that none of this will be tolerated.
Without mutual respect or trust, our marriage will die. Life is too short.
Stepford wives lol
My wife and I have been married for 25 years, three kiddos, 24, 20, 16. We have lived many different lives together from non-profit world changing jobs to corporate jobs and plenty of hard work in between. My wife has always been the aggressor in intimacy. She points outs that I am the weirdo because she could have sex everyday i am happy with once a week. “Other Men would die for that kind of sexual relationship, I don’t know how good i have it”. We definitely have gone through the childbearing years, raising toddlers, teens, kids dating, and marriage of our kids too, (expensive part with daughters) We love each other more than anything in this life. We share common interests, love hanging out with each other, walks on the beach, watching TV, talking about life together, growing spiritually with each other, being playful, lots of ass slapping, tickling, sexual comments, completely comfortable with each other. Roll back when she was younger, she had 100’s of boyfriends starting at an early age. She admits needing that attention to feel value. I grew up in repressed religious home of pastors always telling me to control my lust issues. I was asked every week if I was masturbating or looking at porn, confronted publicly about it most times. I met this girl who complimented my needs for connection to the non-profit work with kids, they loved her, and I was a bit starchy for anyone to connect with. She made me less starchy and relaxed which I love her for. I grew up in a divorced family at 9 yrs. old, sister pregnant at 15, older sister ran away at 17 never to be seen again, or at least never talks to my mom ever again. I became addicted to porn at age 11 struggled with those desires into my 40’s. Never gave myself completely sexually to my beautiful wife. Fifteen years later the damage has been done and she stopped pursuing me sexually and left it in my lap. I feel completely unable to handle that responsibility. Five years ago she started emotionally cheating on me by loving attention from younger guys and girls too in our world today. She said it made her feel more attracted to me since I wasn’t giving her what she needed. Now she is on a spiritual journey away from me to be her own woman. She feels no sexual attraction to me or with us either. She will says I don’t take her out on dates, I plan them pick a place (vegan) she will tear it down, blame money, say she’s tired, doesn’t feel well, we end up getting coffee, sitting in that car staring at our now Hawaii sunsets, go home and fall asleep in each other’s arms. The spark seems gone. I have been in counseling for my shame issues, but we are so perfect together in the 99% parts of our life but that 1% of the sex department is broken and fractured and sadly make the other 99% seems miserable. Many of the comments talk about weight, my self-esteem has always sucked, i am 6-4 290 lbs she is 5-4 165, I find that body of hers smoking hot she says my looks have never mattered, my actions do, and they aren’t hot. We had never had sex in Hawaii, and now that we live here that seems the case still, I growing to hate it here, but our sex life was broken to start with. I want to die being married to her, if she died, I would go on alone, I don’t want anybody else but not sure were going to survive this brokenness past our last son leaving home in a couple years, here is to hope he stays home for college, fingers crossed, maybe we will figure something out or my penis will fall off and sex will just be about giving to her and we can just be happy otherwise. BTW she has had 100’s of orgasms because I figured that out about 15 years ago (she pushed to figure it out), women should never go with that in their sex life plus it is truly amazing to have control her body that way for just a few minutes. She also knows how to take care of herself if needed, which I wish she was because she would be happier at least but that has also stopped too. I make the toys are charged and they only go dead by sitting around anymore. Any way that’s our life story in a horribly long paragraph. Mahalo
I wouldn’t consider this reply advice but more like something to try. From what you are saying I can relate to both you and your wife. I am also the initiator with my husband a lot of the time lately. I love him more than he could ever know. He has gained weight over the years and so have I, but I still think he is just as handsome as he ever was. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me as much as I do him. I wonder if he is growing bored with me as the years are passing. It hurts my soul not to know. He says one thing but in the back of my mind I’m wondering if it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. One thing I would have to say is a negative about my husband is in the romance department. We go out and eat or movies. But there is not a lot of excitement or change in our dating except finding a different spot on a backroad on the way home to do it. That’s fun. The sex it great from my perspective and he knows what he’s doing. He takes his time and makes sure to take care of me before himself. I will say that it is way easier to make a woman have an orgasm than to make her feel like she is your world in bed. We have never made love and it’s really a shame. He has never taken me anywhere romantic or done anything romantic. I would love that to change at any time.
I wouldn’t begin to know what makes your wife tick sexually or yourself. But if you want the spark back you are going to have to take the initiative to put it back yourself if she’s not going to. From what you say you love and adore her. She seems love love your companionship but seems to need more from you sexually.
Forget dinner. Dinner is overrated and after you eat sometimes you feel so full you can enjoy what comes after. If you can afford a place for the night on the water, rent one. If you can’t, find a beautiful secluded place in the outdoors. Get creative. Lit candles and roses are legit sexy. That’s why you see them in the movies. If she likes music, download some romantic music and put it on shuffle. Don’t tell her where you are going. One night just get her in the car for a drive. Blindfold her when you get close. Take her and make her feel like she is the sexiest woman that has ever existed on earth. Put it in your mind that she is. Comment on how beautiful her body is but say it passionately as you caress her body. Take your time. Leave the toys at home. This night is for the two of you only. Bring some lube though if that’s necessary. There is nothing better than a good smelling man so keep that in mind. Wear cologne that’s sexy but nothing strong. Whatever she loves do it and do it well. Put all that porn mess out of your mind. She is not a fake porn star. This is your soulmate.
If she craves attention then be the one to give it to her. It she want sex nightly then by golly bend her over.
Well, it sounds like you’re both obese so don’t think weight is the issue. It sounds a little late now since she’s already emotionally cheating on you. But why won’t you just initiate some of the sex. Act like you’re attracted and interested in her?
Hi John. It was actually refreshing to read your story. I needed a guys perspective on the struggles of marriage. One of my biggest complaints is that my husband doesn’t make me feel desired. He does surface stuff, pays bills, buys me earrings for valentines day. He is also addicted to porn. I’ve remained faithful to him but there have been some really challenging times. Once we went 6 months without sex. I get attention from other men. Compliments, come one, but I don’t want the attention from anyone but him. I try to take care of my appearance, I’m not a 10 but I’m not a 2 either. I chalk up his being distant to his job stresses him out. I make excuses for his negligence and try to look for the good. The truth is though I’m lonely and I resent him for being so self absorbed. 12 of the things this article mentions my husband does/ doesn’t do. Every now and then he’ll throw me a bone and I’ll naw on that thing for 3 months. I hate how he makes me feel about myself. Sometimes he says the rudest things, like your hair looks dry, or “ how much fatter are you going to get? I don’t like fat people” sometimes he looks at me and I think he’s disgusted. Then I’ll ask him and he says” yea right I was thinking about giving you this D.” So confusing! Our communication sucks!!! He’s a total mystery. His Dad was an alcoholic and abandoned him at a young age, only to show up later and tried to buy his love. He had a good Mom. Mean step Dad but not abusive. I wonder if his inability to love me like I want, and to say nice things stems from a deep brokenness in him. If his self esteem is low and he can’t give me anymore than what he does. I wonder if porn has damaged his views of woman and beauty and sexuality. I wonder and wondering, sucks!!! I here my brother in law tell my sister she’s beautiful and I think does she know how fortunate she is to hear that. I’ve told mysel that when our 17 year old daughter moves out I’ll get an apartment with a friend I fantasize about meeting a man that I would have a deeper connection with. A man that likes to be around people and have fun, a man that talks to me and desires me and thinks I’m beautiful. A man that says “ you are beautiful. I’m sorry your marriage isn’t strong and I’m sorry that you don’t see a solution to your problems. Marriage is worth fighting for I’ve always said but it takes 2.
My husband and I have been together since we were 14, so 24 years now. We dated other people here and there when we were teens but for the most part it has just been us together.
Every night we sleep cuddled up next to one another like we only have a twin size bed. He wraps me up tight in his arms which makes me feel good. I love it. I love him!
We have two teens together. We have both put on weight over the years, gravity it taking hold, some stretch marks are involved. You get the picture. Sex has always been amazing, at least in my opinion. I think he is so handsome and I always compliment him. He use to tell me all the time how hot and sexy I was and how beautiful my eyes are. Now…nada. I mean I know I’m not a 10 but I don’t think I’m a hyena either. I never knew how much I would miss being schmoozed.
I am a sexual woman. I have always enjoyed sex. I’m fine doing it several times a week if not more. I feel like for a while now I have been in initiator and I get shot down more than I would like to admit. Some times he playfully declines and sometimes he’s blunt about it. I mean once in a while I’m not in the mood when he is, but that’s not common. For example, he was off today and I worked. Tonight, while watching a movie, I put my hands down his shorts trying to provoke a certain response. He comments, “Honey, it’s resting in a good spot and you’re messing it up.” 🙁 I know he’s not tired, so of course I’m thinking the worst.
I feel like he is more interested in FB & Tiktok than me. I will walk naked in front of him to try to provoke a glance. That’s about all I get. He’s right back in his phone or he glances right past me to the tv.
It’s really hitting my ego hard. I don’t feel attractive, desirable, or more than a companion. I know he loves me, but it takes more than love to sustain a healthy, long lasting marriage. I just can’t figure out what I can do to make it better. He says nothing is wrong with my body and makes me feel like am being absurd when I bring up how I’m feeling or when I’m about to bust out in tears. I’m willing to loose weight or whatever I need to, but I just feel overwhelmed about it. I mean every woman wants to be romanced by her husband. She wants to feel beautiful and sexually attractive to him. I’m I having to compete with women he sees on Tiktok or what? I don’t think he is having an affair. I don’t even know anymore. I’m curious to get a mans perspective on this.
All of or most of the statements mentioned above is my husband. Married 55 years and things never got going in regards to sex and intimacy. First couple years were ok after that nothing, he told me he wanted to be just friends who happen to be married. He has always since he was 23 had erection problems and all the doctors he saw could never help him out. I would have bet a 100 dollars if he was in a room with 25 naked women and a TV he would chose the tv. There is no interest in any female, he likes art drawing things but won’t draw any human form, super handy building things and fixing cars. After all these years I didn’t leave him, and I’m sure he would have missed me as a friend or sister but not as a married partner.
He would rather be alone and he has lived in his own space away from me, worked the midnight shift forever all weekends, holidays and never accepted any vacation. His company banked all the refused vacation and sick days and retired him over a year early. He was never a bad person I had everything I wanted in life except kids and my husband. (he has no real friends and goes no where)
He is a military guy, and he volentered at the V.A. when he can. Some reason he calls that home, which makes me feel worse.
As you can probably tell I still can’t figure him out and it’s way to late in my life to worry about any more.
As a fateful husband of almost 25 years it’s not always the man. I am so tired of hearing it’s the mans fault. I shared the work load at home, shared caring for the kids…. Worked my butt off bringing home the bacon to the tune of $140,000 a year. I have gave plenty of gifts, flowers and candy. Beautiful beach vacations with her family. Brand new expensive SUV’s to drive. . Brand new homes…Always recognized that she still works (teacher, 40,000 a year). Told her I loved her all the time. Did everything she wanted. But according to her everything is my way all the time…and about me. Every vacation was what she wanted, holidays the same., no matter what it was it was her way. She would leave me alone constantly to see her family. who live out of state. My job requires a lot and I couldn’t always travel… but that never mattered she would pack my kids and leave me alone at home, Christmas? Birthdays…. Didn’t matter. I ate plenty of frozen TV dinners on holidays…Sex has been a regular 10 times a year most of which occurs in the summer. I have always been very sexual. I have begged to be together just 2-3 a month. But you would turn me down. I would put on nice clothes … none of it mattered… I am super clean about myself so it wasn’t anything thing like that…Of course this did nothing good for our marriage. As time moved on I turned to porn not because I wanted to either. You caught me and would be mad?! Are you kidding me!?!? Then the resentment set in. You did this to us. I would beg over and over that I wanted to be close to you. I told you that one thing piggy backs off another… but you refused to hear me.. now we don’t talk and haven’t had sex in 6 months.. in our last fight you finally admitted that you used sex against me…. That you would hold back because you where angry or for whatever reason. So when I walk away which is going to happen, this is on you. Age, weight… no of it plays a part here… it’s you crappy attitude towards me… it’s the years of mental abuse….it’s years of being lonely…so Have fun without me…. so no it’s not always the man….so you people need to stop acting like it is all the dam time.
I hope you find someone who values you Andrew. We all crave love and attention it’s human nature. May your next partner learn how to appreciate everything you do for her. Take care and best of luck. <3
I’m so sorry that you are going through that. I think it’s not a man or woman issue, it’s a human issue. Your story and mine sound similar. I hope you find your happy ending.