When you're searching for things like 'signs my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore?' We know your marriage is missing that fire.
While this article outlines the signs that your husband has lost interest in you, please note that no one sign alone makes it certain he doesn't find you attractive.
If you’re Googling “signs my husband isn’t attracted to me,” it usually means you’re already feeling rejected, unwanted, or unsure where you stand.
We help couples understand what’s actually driving attraction loss — and what brings it back.
Book a free couples consult to get clarity on what’s happening and your next step.
Table of Contents
Why does my husband not seem interested in me sexually?
Passion can fluctuate for many reasons. Over time, though, if this mismatch between you continues, it will cause many hurt feelings.
Read this article and then address your concerns with your husband directly.
Ask him to talk
Gently ask him to set time aside to talk. And then you can say something like this:
"I've noticed our intimacy has gone way down. I am missing the passion, fire burning, and sex we used to have. I am starting to wonder if you're not attracted to me anymore. Maybe that's not how you feel, but I want us to talk about it."
If he gets defensive
He may get defensive or shut down. That's okay, though. He might feel uncomfortable. You can reassure him with words like this:
"I am not accusing you of anything. It would just be nice to talk. I am feeling insecure and not attractive."
Allow him space to share
Now it's time to listen. Let him open up.
Even healthy couples experience a shift in sexual desire after marriage and throughout their time together.
Relationship chemistry is complicated and can fluctuate, but the relationship goes next when you stop being like best friends.
It hurts your self-esteem when you no longer feel attractive or wanted.
If you're concerned your husband no longer finds you attractive, it's time to consider couples therapy.
To address the more serious issues, you'll need to re-focus on building skills as a couple
Does lack of attraction always mean the marriage is over?
Many couples assume attraction is gone when sex drops, touch disappears, or emotional distance grows.
In reality, attraction often fades because of unresolved conflict, emotional disconnection, stress, or resentment — not because love or desire is gone forever.
Attraction in long-term marriages is created and maintained, not automatic.
When couples learn how to rebuild emotional safety, closeness, and presence, attraction often returns naturally — without forcing sex or trying to “perform” differently.
A couples consult can help you understand whether attraction has faded — or whether it’s buried under something else.
24 Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me
Let's look at some of the most common signs your husband is not attracted to you anymore.
1. He doesn't touch you
Romance needs cultivation.
Touch is the primary way many women feel their husband's attraction.
If he has been absent-minded or emotionally absent, it's likely he hasn't given you the touch you need.
Once simple touching and kissing disappear, most couples conclude that he's no longer sexually attracted.
From there, it's normal that the sexual encounters stop or become so reduced that it hurts our mental health.
To address this problem, we suggest you talk about non-sexual touch. Most of us need it.
Ways to talk about wanting non-sexual touch
"I need to be touched more often. Would you be open to holding me more often, kissing me when you get home, or hugging me at night?"
A straight and clear request for more physical connection can help him meet your needs.
This sign alone does not mean your husband sees you as not being physically attractive.
Try making a clear request for the touch and affection that you need.
Many men, myself included, do not know what their wife needs unless we are asked directly.
Don't put talking to him about how you want to be kissed or touched on the back burner.
If you make it a point to talk and it doesn't help, we suggest you consider couples therapy.
In many cases, the loss of physical intimacy in marriages isn't clear-cut, and there are other aspects of intimacy to explore.
The Intimacy Workshop gives you the tools to address the root causes of why you have lost attraction.
2. He barely tries to have sex with you, and your sex life is suffering
Do you often think, 'My husband doesn’t seem interested in me sexually any more?'
Is your sex life suffering?
Do you long to feel loved and wanted?
When people first meet, the hormones go wild.
However, no couple can ever sustain the initial spark of infatuation.
As time goes on, most couples find their rhythm.
It may be daily, twice a week, once a week, or once a month.
Only you know what’s normal and healthy in your long-term relationship.
But, when your partner starts being very different from that regular pattern of sexual interaction, it’s a sign that something is off.
If your partner is barely initiating sex, and it’s unusual, this is a clear sign that something is amiss.
For example, it could be he’s stressed, you two fight a lot, the communication is off, or he’s not attracted to you anymore.
If you’re looking to re-spark the romance and feel closer to your partner, join the Intimacy Workshop.
3. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He’d often rather masturbate and rarely has sex with you
Does it seem like, 'my husband prefers his hand over me?'
Many married men masturbate.
As a man and relationship researcher who's sat with thousands of couples, I can tell you most men masturbate.
Some research and polls have found that 85% of married men masturbate.
The most important thing isn't whether your husband masturbates.
It’s how often he’d rather masturbate than have sex with you.
It's how connected or disconnected you two feel.
Why does my husband prefer his hand over me?
If your husband consistently prefers masturbating or pornography over sexual intimacy with you, something is amiss in the bedroom.
This could signify something is wrong, but it doesn’t mean your husband finds you unattractive.
Before you assume he’s watching porn or masturbating because he’s lost attraction to you, ask yourself:
- Does he have issues performing?
- Has he had problems with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation?
- Has he ever been insecure in the bedroom?
- Does he have a history of being sexually repressed?
If this is an issue you recognize in your relationship, it will serve your relationship to have an open discussion about masturbation and your sex life. There's no other way around this topic.
In our experience, though, most women on this page have already tried to talk to their husbands about masturbation or porn use.
If you've already talked, our best advice is to call. You need support.
Schedule a complimentary couples consultation with us.
You can get to the root of problems plaguing your marriage with professional guidance.
4. He rejects your sexual advances
No two people will ever sync up sexually 100% of the time.
Sometimes, he’ll want sex, or you’ll want it, and it won’t happen. That happens.
If you’ve started to notice he regularly rejects or turns down your sexual advances, it could be a sign he doesn’t want you sexually for some reason.
It doesn’t mean he’s not feeling attracted to you, but it could be.
You’ll only know by talking. A conversation can help clear things up.
You can start a dialogue with your partner with a simple statement like:
“Hey, I’ve noticed that lately, when I come towards you sexually, you turn me down (or find an excuse for why it can’t happen). It’s been kind of frequent. I’m curious. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
Then listen. See what your husband says.
Then, respond and work together to unearth what’s going on.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “There are too many signs my husband isn’t attracted to me,” you don’t have to figure this out alone.
Many couples feel stuck in uncertainty — not knowing whether to try harder, pull away, or protect themselves.
Book a complimentary couples consult to understand what’s happening beneath the surface.
5. He can’t get it up anymore
A man’s penis is strongly connected to his sight.
What he sees helps his arousal.
When a man can’t get it up for his woman, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in her. But it could mean he’s not attracted to her.
To better assess the situation, it’s a good idea for your partner to seek professional advice from a doctor or counselor to address issues regarding his arousal.
The issue could be mental, hormonal, or he isn’t attracted to you.
Don’t jump the gun and make it mean what it doesn’t.
Instead, talk to him about the issue in a matter-of-fact way.
He may feel shame, so be kind and tell him you’d like to talk to him about his arousal.
Start a conversation about what’s happening and go from there.
Related Reading: I Have No Sex Drive
6. He shuts down after sex
It’s a common stereotype that after sex, men distance themselves and roll over like beached whales.
If that’s a normal thing in your relationship or it’s new – it’s likely something that would be good to address.
It may not mean your husband is not attracted to you, but it could signal something about intimacy avoidance.
Sometimes, men who aren’t attracted to their wives will continue to have sex with them. But afterward, they want to run.
If this happens in your relationship, it could be a sign that he’s not attracted to you or a sign of something else.
Maybe the intimacy and connection are fractured somehow?
Maybe your husband feels ashamed sexually?
Tell your partner you’ve noticed he’s shut down after sex and are curious about what it means. Then listen.
Related Reading: My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy
7. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He suggests you lose weight
When a man wishes his wife would lose weight, he knows he can’t say anything.
Men know that if they directly tell a woman to lose weight, it’ll cause problems or destroy their wife’s self-esteem.
Your husband suggesting you lose weight isn’t a sign that he’s not attracted to you.
In many healthy marriages, it's common for both people to want to lose weight.
I talk to husbands and wives daily, complaining about their weight or partner's size.
Many of us have all kinds of feelings about our own body and each other's appearance.
Just ask my wife; she'll gladly tell you she wishes I had more hair (I'm bald)!
Does that hurt my feelings? Not at all.
I know she loves me and cares for me, and even as our bodies age and change, she and I are confident we are imperfectly perfect for each other.
Losing weight doesn't solve marriage problems
Research shows that most men would find their partner more attractive if she were thinner.
While the male brain is much more visual than a woman's, the data shows men also get highly turned through thoughts and emotions.
In short, if you're worried he might wish you were thinner or more athletic, he probably does wish it or sometimes wants it, but it's not the root cause for why he's losing interest.
You can try to get in shape, but as you'll find from hundreds of comments from women and men on our website - losing weight doesn't do much to change why he's not engaged in the marriage.
8. He talks about his physical attraction to other women
In many private counseling sessions, men shared with me that they wish their wives would lose weight, dress sexier, and care more about their looks.
When I ask the same men if they’ve told their wives, most say it’d likely ruin their relationship.
And when I dig a little deeper, many men confess that they try to hint by telling their wives about other physically attractive women.
“I point out actresses, celebrities, and women on the streets who have a look I like.”
“I tell her how attractive I thought she was when we first met.”
Since most men feel they can’t be direct or openly discuss attraction issues, they’ll often do it passively by talking about other women they find attractive.
So, if your husband is doing that, it’s possibly a sign that he wants you to look different.
9. He suggests getting a new romantic partner
In a long-term commitment, your partner may feel attracted to someone else.
When he spends a lot of time suggesting new partners, it's time you take action.
While there are other explanations and more signs your husband doesn t find you attractive, this is serious.
When he's spending lots of time with porn or talking about other lovers, you need to take immediate action.
Get help. Talk to us. Don't let this drag on.
10. He's not present with you
One of the first things that affects the connection is the loss of presence.
If he's less present with you, this will affect your sense of connection.
As a husband, I know that when my wife feels that my presence has been absent for days or weeks, it changes our feelings of attraction and intimacy.
If he's absent-minded or somehow not 'showing up,' it doesn't necessarily mean he's not attracted to you, but you need to address it.
We strongly suggest you address that you talk to him about this sooner rather than later.
Acknowledge that it feels as if you two are missing that presence and connection.
You can ask questions like:
"Have you been feeling stressed by anything at work?"
"Is there something with family or finances that has you preoccupied?"
"How's your sleep been lately?"
This sign doesn’t mean your husband isn’t attracted to you.
But when coupled with the other signs – it can be something serious.
Address it now with kindness and clarity.
Related Reading: Intimacy Exercises
11. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He’s cold and distant
A cold and distant partner makes it hard to connect.
If you feel your partner has been cold and distant or think he hates you, the best thing to do is to let him know.
If you’d like to change things, you could try taking a date night and playing the couples card games that are scientifically proven to help improve your connection.
A cold and distant partner doesn’t mean the attraction is gone, but it does mean something.
It’s best to ask and find out.
Related Reading: My Husband Makes Me Feel Worthless
12. He doesn’t give you much attention
Men are much more visual than women.
A man can get sexually aroused by looking at someone, whereas women typically need emotional intimacy to get turned on.
When your man turns away and avoids seeing your naked body, it could be because he doesn’t find you attractive.
On the other hand, if he isn’t typically someone who turns away, his behavior could signal a shift in attraction.
Tell him if you sense he’s not sexually attracted to you anymore.
13. He’s flirtatious with other women and not you
When you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s common sense that flirting with others isn’t okay.
If your husband has shut down to your advances, doesn’t initiate sex, and has been shut down – but he’s flirting with other women, he’s not saying something.
A husband who doesn’t show intimacy towards his wife but flirts with other women is possibly not attracted to his partner anymore.
Either that or some of your relationship dynamics need addressing.
14. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore – He talks to you more like one of the guys
It can be fun to be one of the guys. And it can also really zap the romance out of your relationship.
Your husband talking to you like one of the guys can indicate that he's no longer attracted to you.
Therefore, some new behaviors need to be enacted in your relationship.
No matter how close a couple is, it’s not the best when a wife is treated and spoken to like one of the guys.
As the wife, you aren’t one of the guys. You’re more.
Only you know if you like it, but if this and other signs are present, it could signify that the attraction has shifted, and you two would benefit from making changes.
15. You spend a lot less time together
Quality time is an essential part of any relationship, especially a marriage.
When a relationship wanes in romance and passion, partners often spend less quality time together.
In a broken marriage, couples don’t spend much quality time or have fun together and feel distant.
To fix a broken marriage, the couple must learn how to spend more high-quality time together.
If you’re not feeling close to your husband, it’s time to change that.
For fun ways to reconnect and spend time with your partner, check out the Date Night Workbook.
16. He doesn’t invest in your relationship
Anything of value requires attention.
A man who disengages in the relationship is a man who doesn’t value what he has. And he is not paying attention.
The more a man distances himself from working on the relationship, he’s possibly not interested in making things work.
If your husband seems disengaged, you likely feel lonely or emotionally neglected.
If your husband has stopped investing in your partnership, it’s a vital sign that he’s disengaged and something is awry.
All healthy couples have a vision for a shared future.
Healthy couples have dreams and goals that they’re excited to create. They engage in relationship check-ins to discuss the future they’re building together.
When a husband checks out, it’s one of the biggest signs of an impending divorce.
17. He spends most of his spare time on hobbies
A man attracted to his wife will find balance with his time.
He will want time with his wife, hobbies, work, etc.
Attraction calls him to be around his wife, so if your husband is absorbed in his hobbies and not your relationship – begin addressing the issue by talking to him.
If he doesn’t change, it’s a good sign that his attraction has waned.
18. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He doesn’t invite you out with friends
Men and women need to have their own thing.
Sometimes, it’s good for your husband to go out on his own. But if it’s a regular thing and he’s edging you out, there’s something wrong. It could mean you don’t mesh well with his friends, or he’s cheating.
However, just because he doesn’t invite you out doesn’t mean he’s cheating.
If you’re worried your husband is cheating, look for the signs.
For example, when coupled with other behaviors, you might feel like, “These are signs my husband is not attracted to me, so that he might be looking elsewhere.”
Even if your partner isn’t cheating, edging you out of his social life isn’t healthy.
Related Reading: Signs He Doesn’t Love You
19. He doesn’t call, text, or reach out while away
A distant man will make his wife feel hurt.
A connection is created and maintained through communication.
It can be deeply hurt if your husband doesn't call, text, or reach out while on a business trip.
It can feel like your husband is ignoring you.
Tell him that you are disappointed that he hurt you and see what happens.
If nothing changes, it could signify that he’s not attracted to you.
Before you assume anything, tell him how you feel and see what happens.
Related Reading: How To Make Your Husband Desire You More
20. He rarely touches you or has stopped altogether
A lack of physical affection is one of the signs your husband doesn't find you attractive anymore.
Healthy and happy couples touch each other.
Touch is good for your relationship.
Not only does physical contact communicate affection, but touch also improves your health.
Some couples touch more, others less, but whatever you’re used to – when it changes dramatically, it takes a toll on the connection.
Your husband holding your hand or kissing you can go a long way.
In online marriage counseling sessions, we’ve found that when there isn’t adequate touch, it’s a sign that the couple is experiencing some distance.
When you consider a lack of touch, it may leave you feeling like it's one of the signs your husband isn't attracted to you.
It’s best to find out by talking about the situation.
21. Signs your husband doesn't find you attractive - He rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch
If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there’s something wrong.
He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied.
Whatever it is, the impact for you is that you don’t feel loved or cared about the same.
Romance for men and women alike needs cultivation.
A healthy relationship thrives when there is kissing, hugging, and intimate touch.
When your partner doesn’t kiss you very often, it’s a sign something has shifted.
The fix could be as simple as asking for more kisses or taking more work.
However, if you’ve already tried talking to your husband, you’ll want to take specific steps to rekindle the connection.
To help with the process, check out how hundreds of couples have gotten back on track with the Intimacy Workshop.
22. He gets easily upset, and you fight often
If you’ve noticed your husband gets mad more quickly and doesn’t show signs of attraction towards you – it's a red flag.
Your marriage is suffering.
Don’t let this go on without talking about it.
When your husband doesn’t talk about what’s happening, he’ll likely shut down, pick fights, and be more easily agitated.
If your husband becomes defensive, gets mad easily, yells at you, and doesn’t show signs of attraction towards you – talk to him.
Just like lying in a marriage left unchecked grows out of control, a marriage with an explosive partner can also hurt marital longevity.
When this sign shows up, couples tend to report they are not spending time together, and when they do, they're afraid of a blow-up.
In turn, they avoid talking and spend their free time doing anything other than creating quality time.
If this sign is present, let's chat. Schedule a complimentary couples consult.
23. Something feels “off"
Feeling that something is ‘off’ is a powerful, intuitive guide. Listen to it.
In one of my previous relationships, when something felt ‘off,’ I ignored it until I decided to check my girlfriend’s phone one day.
That ‘off’ feeling led me to learn that she was cheating.
I am not saying that your husband is or isn’t cheating.
I’m just suggesting you trust that sense that something is off.
Those emotions you can’t explain are powerful, and when we let them lead us to open up to our partner, they can help immensely.
Trust that feeling and see if you can talk to your husband about what’s happening.
That feeling could signal a big issue or something else that a conversation will help reveal and heal.
Related Article: Surviving Infidelity
24. You’ve tried what he wants, and still nothing
If it still feels like he’s not attracted to you, maybe it’s time to consider counseling.
After you’ve tried all the possible things he wants to increase attraction, it’s time to consider something more radical.
After that, the options become relatively narrow – you either try counseling, leave, or continue with how things have been.
If you’ve tried:
- Losing weight.
- Changing your clothing to be sexier.
- Entertaining his kinks.
- Flirting how he likes.
- Doing the things he likes.
After that, if you still feel he’s not attracted to you – it’s time to do something different.
What To Do If You Think, “There Are Too Many Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore.“
If you’ve read this far and worry your husband isn’t attracted to you. The best advice is to seek professional help.
You can try changing your clothes, flirting, being sexier, etc. But often, the root issue is something only a professional can help address.
Your husband’s lack of attraction is likely mixed with feelings that the relationship isn’t at its best. Getting the input and guidance of an expert is the fastest route to fixing the core issues.
Stop feeling worthless and undervalued, and stop wondering about the health of your marriage.
When attraction fades, most couples make it worse by guessing
When you feel unattractive or unwanted, it’s natural to:
- Try harder to please
- Change your body or behavior
- Pull away to protect yourself
- Avoid talking about it out of fear
Unfortunately, guessing almost always increases distance.
What actually helps is understanding:
- Why attraction shifted
- What kind of connection is missing
- What your husband may be protecting or avoiding
- How to talk about desire without triggering defensiveness
This is exactly what couples explore in a free consultation — clarity before action.
How do I get my husband interested in me sexually?
If your husband shows signs that he’s not attracted to you, let him know.
Unlike dating, where you may have played games, hid things, or played cat-and-mouse, marriage requires deep intimacy and letting your partner in.
But the past tactics only got you so far. This is your marriage.
It can sometimes be scary to share because what if you say the wrong thing? What if he hears what’s happening and then takes his love away?
Showing love can be terrifying. When we express it, we risk rejection. Few things are as painful as love not being received. On the other hand, loving and being loved are the most courageous acts and gateways to connection and unity.
In short, talk to your husband and find out what can help get things back on track.
For more support with reigniting the passion and attraction in your relationship, sign up for the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
What do I do to reignite my husband's attraction?
Realizing that your husband doesn't want you can be very painful.
It can make you feel unwanted, rejected, and lonely.
This can also lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem.
However, there are things that you can do to rekindle the spark in your relationship and make your husband attracted to you again.
Related Reading: How to Make My Husband Attracted To Me
Talk about how you feel
First, talk with your husband about how you've been feeling.
Instead of blaming your partner, focus on your feelings and needs.
For instance, you might say, "I feel disconnected from you lately without as much physical touch," rather than "You never touch me anymore."
Sharing your concerns with your husband in this way allows both of you to talk through the issue together and work towards resolving it.
Spend quality time together
In a relationship, intimacy and passion often decrease as you fall into a comfortable routine and become stagnant.
To break out of this rut, prioritize quality time together and plan regular date nights.
If you typically stay in and watch TV on the weekends, shake things up and try something new together.
Research has shown that participating in novel activities with your partner fuels passion and excitement similar to your feelings during the initial stages of dating.
If you're unsure where to get started with planning dates, we've got you covered.
Pick up the Relationship Workbook for 100+ at-home dates, unique outings, and weekend getaways.
Take care of yourself
Attraction starts with you.
When you prioritize self-care, you radiate confidence and aliveness that attracts your partner's attention.
What makes you feel confident and sexy?
To enhance your love life, focus on embracing your pleasure and becoming more present in your body.
Seek professional help
If you're having trouble fixing your broken relationship, seek the support of a marriage coach.
Marriage coaching provides a safe space to address your relationship challenges and gain new insights.
In addition, a marriage coach will help you develop the necessary tools for a healthy marriage.
Feeling unwanted doesn’t mean your marriage is broken — but it does mean something needs attention.
If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed or at a breaking point:
Access an emergency session for immediate support
If you want clarity and guidance:
Book a free couples consult
How do you know if your husband is not sexually attracted to you?
Signs your husband is not attracted to you include lack of physical affection, decreased frequency of sexual activity, and emotional distance. Additionally, increased pornography use or masturbation, especially if it replaces sexual activity with you, can signal a lack of sexual attraction.
What causes attraction to go away?
It's common for attraction to fluctuate within a romantic relationship. Settling into a predictable routine and lack of novelty often causes a decrease in attraction and desire. Other factors also influence attraction, such as unresolved issues in the relationship, lack of emotional intimacy, and external stressors.
Why does my husband seem uninterested in me sexually?
There could be various reasons your husband appears disinterested in sex, such as unresolved conflict, lack of intimacy, or unmet needs within your relationship. Also, heightened stress levels and physical or mental health issues can significantly affect sexual desire.
What to do when your husband doesn't want you sexually?
Feeling your husband doesn't want you sexually is deeply hurtful and confusing. Start by talking with your husband about your concerns and encourage him to share his feelings without judgment. Also, consider seeking the support of a relationship coach trained to help you navigate challenges around sexual intimacy.
So sad my Husband was having an affair with a college girl whom he didn’t know I knew about. Everything little mistake my husband would pick on me and leave the house for weeks.
I remember my ex husband would come home from work after a 12 hour shift and still be late getting home! He’d walk through the door and never notice what I got done, only what I hadn’t. (A baby, toddler and preteen, house to care for and a full time job, I had!) Found his wedding ring in the car. He’d been removing it at work and putting it back on after and he worked in an office! He was having an affair with a subordinate, 13 yrs younger than me and left us to marry her. 10 yrs together washed away bc I didn’t pay him the same attention as when we didn’t have the young ones!! So very, very selfish!
The men in my life have only wanted me for what I can provide to them rather than truly loving me. Sex, money, place to stay, comfort (bc I’m naturally just the type of person to genuinely try to help people). It hurts to know that no one has ever loved me for me and that a body image defines so much of a relationship. No wonder most women has mental health issues.
Wow I just spent a very long amount of time reading through all of these yesterday. I slept on it and have been thinking over the article and the comments everyone has wrote.
I feel compelled to share my own voice here. I feel this is this is a very one sided narrow viewpoint – the article and the subsequent women responding. Its focusing through the eyes of a specific psychology, that of the male in the relationship. The article is taking one piece of a relationship pie, if you will, and then dissecting it from a single sided perspective; the male who isn’t sexually forward or interested in their wife any longer.
Its important to have some “eagle eye” here and realize this is a small fragment of the reality of a marriage or partnership.
What is absolutely without question obvious here is that men are the ones straying from their relationships first, then when the consequences of that happen it becomes the burden of the woman. How are men straying first you ask? Porn, lust for other women, compulsive masturbation, secret sexual urges and fantasies that get played out in secret via social media, porn sites, and Im sure there is more.
Now turn this around for a moment. Your husband and you are married and suddenly like almost all people things cool down in the bedroom a bit, and instead of working toward keeping that flame alive by actively communicating and being honest and open with each-other, you the woman decide to secretly go out and seek what you are missing in the relationship; affirmation, attention, whatever it is. Lets say for the sake of equal analogy you decide to go online and start watching porn all the time behind your spouses back, you get some good toys and get yourself off as the main source of sexual gratification. It becomes a habit. You start enjoying the fantasy of being with beautiful, seemingly perfect men who adore you, and you enjoy it. It becomes a habit. You start reading soft porn books that depict men in a way that is not real at all. It becomes your ideal. There is quite literally a dopamine response to these experiences that become patterns, and it feels good, soon its your new norm. Your sense of reality, your paradigms even shift ever so slightly day by day… Your reality is getting distorted!
Then the reality (your actual human spouse) comes in the bedroom with their reality in your face. Some extra pounds, thinning hair line, someone who doesn’t take care of themselves the way you idealize someone who loves you should, this same spouse doesn’t compliment you or make you feel special anymore you start to feel like their mom. They take off their clothes and want to be intimate with you? Their sex doesnt meet the fantasy you watch or think about in your secret life = wham, not the reality you have made normal anymore in your mind about what sex and intimacy is.
Are you getting what I am saying? Can you understand the analogy?
Is it your husbands fault that you are no longer attracted to him, or is it also your damn fault for going outside the commitment you made to be faithful, and instead have gone out to find satisfaction with other people, real or imagined?
Second point; is it now your spouses responsibility to morph himself into this new version of what you want in your marriage?
Come on ladies.
We have lost sight here of what a relationship is. Its much, much, more than the sex and the primal sex desires we have as humans. Yes thats huge for sure Im not trying to undermine it but you cant have real lasting intimacy with a partner who gives his life force sex energy to porn, lust on social media or secretly pursuing jerking off to your friends they find attractive or whatever secret things they are doing behind your back. This is a twist on the conversation that really needs to be clarified.
There is no way our society is going to evolve well with the current state of affairs with regards to the social context pervading our psyches about sex and attraction. Its toxic. Kids at 10 can go online and watch countless hours of hardcore sex of any variety. People start younger and younger with this addiction. To only state that the reality of this discourse is about a woman letting herself go, or not talking openly about her feelings or yada yada is just so small minded to me and its hurting people on a very deep level. Porn and media has is setting a standard that is simply unattainable for most people.
One female here in the comments was 24, great shape worked hard to be sexy for her husband but he lost his attraction to her. Didn’t even like to look at her in a shower? Why? – really ladies? Why? – well when you are watching porn for hours a week and looking at a variety of women younger, shapelier and that beg you for sex all the time in provocative ways your beautiful loving spouse just isn’t that exciting or sexy anymore. They dont give you that dopamine hit you are used to.
DO some research on this, men who watch porn a lot find their spouses less attractive and over time loose the ability to perform in real life. It doesnt matter if your 24 and 110lbs or 50 and 170lbs. Its irrelevant.
I hope and I hope as deep as I can that somehow a new narrative starts to rise in this world around sex, porn, prostitution, affairs, etc. Men are not entitled to their sexual fantasies anymore than you and me, and what is setting that tone for what is real to be expected of one another? Whose setting that standard?
You can damn well count on anyone spending years in secret watching porn and not having any accountability on what healthy lust vs unhealthy lust will have a slew of unhappy relationships.
My heart breaks for every single woman on this thread. I hope we as women in society will truly start to have the kinds of boundaries necessary to inn-act a change so that our future generations can be free of the toxicity of sex in our culture today and the shame, grief and depression that follows its wake. Peace and Love my fellow travelers. Hold on to that light inside you.
Great input! I definitely a lot more can be said here. I appreciate your input — and yes! you are absolutely right, it’s not about the looks of a person that makes or breaks a marriage. In fact, we know very clearly that emotional connection (attunement) is much more important than looks and since bodies change and people shift — the connection is at the heart of the matter more important than anything else. Thanks again for commenting and adding to the conversation.
Thank you, you will never know how badly that was needed. God bless you.
This comment is too long, I lost interest. However, I was agitated when it started that toys and porn solo will become a habit. That’s not true. As well as, that you will idealize the pornstars, over your spouse. Also, not true. I engage in personal sexual health to maintain ability. I am 100% crazy attracted to my husband. I love when we have sex and would never tell him no. This has been consistently true for the 4 years we have been together. We are both 50 yrs in age now, have gained Covid lockdown weight and have problems like every other couple. I do feel as though, he has lost attraction for me. That is why I maintain my own sexualness by myself. It bothers me but it don’t.
Honey is that you? Gwen, I understand where you are coming from but think you are viewing the problem from a perspective of someone who refuses to bend/yield to any suggestion that you aren’t the embodiment of the perfect woman. Personally, I feel that any relationship that has two people “interested in” pleasing the other party will be successful. Note I used the phrase “interested in” rather than a suggestion that a woman “must” please her partner.
Porn is not a culture, it is an escape, a fantasy, sexual entertainment. No husband realistically expects his spouse to be a perpetual 18 year old, size zero nymphomaniac capable of being contorted into pretzel shapes, subsisting on high protein diet provided by his manhood and being willing to endure every advance of his choosing. But every man would love a partner that would put in some level of effort to be a fantasy, to live out a fantasy. I suspect most women would appreciate a similar level of effort by their husband.
The crux of this specific marital problem, in my opinion, is simply that reality can be crushing. Kids, work, exhaustion, money…..it is all an everyday reality that strains excitement in the bedroom. It’s difficult to get excited about the same sex with the same person…..dutifully again….with the person who just scolded you for not doing the dishes as she stuffs her face with popcorn in sweatpants. Similarly, it’s difficult to get excited about sex with a woman who sees any intrusion of fantasy or excitement found in porn into real life as an affront to her desirability or as you suggest, a demand that you transform into an unobtainable standard.
Men are simple creatures, indulge me a little bit, once in a while….and I’m happy. Starve me, I will hunt elsewhere. It’s that simple. And to a large extent, women will succumb to the same mistreatment with their own infidelities.
My wife won’t budge an inch. I have asked for little things a thousand times only to be rejected, made to feel like a deviant pervert, even humiliated. A naughty outfit is me asking her to be a whore. Asking her to call me daddy is somehow pedophilia. Playful spanking is corporal punishment. Different positions are degrading. Non traditional acts are perverted and revolting. Role play is me telling her that I wish she was someone else. Any suggestion that she should do anything other than what she wants, than what she is completely comfortable with…..is just a statement that she is not good enough the way she is. That is how I see your attitude also.
I have cheated on my wife. I am not proud of it and do struggle with it from a morality standpoint, believe it or not. I am not looking for support or vindication for my actions. It makes me a dirt bag, I know. But it didn’t happen in a vacuum either. The women I was with, weren’t necessarily as attractive as my wife, but their attitude was incredible to the point I seriously considered leaving my wife. I know you are probably thinking she would be better off without me. Maybe….. but that is beside the point, this analysis is about the root of the problem, not me.
Who knew women were out there who would actually try to please a man because he asked nicely. Women who had their own fantasies that they shared so I could try to please her the way she wanted. Even though it was mostly meat and potatoes most of the time, the little things, once in a while made it exciting every time. Because she cared enough to “try” and was not so rigid that she would rather give up. That is a relationship not bound by the restraints of marriage, judgement, resentments, duties and chores. Where two people can just focus on each other, pause being a husband, pause being a wife. Maybe that is the real fantasy and I think that’s what holds people back from enjoying each other. My wife would view a request to pause being my wife as an insult. I suspect Gwen would see it the same way if her husband asked her to be anything else, even if it was just intended as playful fun. Never mind that I am asking for things that will ultimately be carried out by what is …..most definitely…. still my wife.
The victorian era sexual attitudes that you yearn for are simply repression. Women can have fantasies too and should not be ashamed of them, of asking for them. Similarly, being flexible and “trying” to satisfy a man’s desires, even if rooted in porn, doesn’t make a woman a prostitute. It just makes her a thoughtful partner concerned about her partner’s needs and wants. The same goes for men, you should be asking what she wants, without judgement, and giving her everything you can. It is when one spouse is too selfish to bend that things break down. The question is: can you put your judgement aside, keep an open mind and be selfless enough to focus on your partner to truly find out what they desire and “try” to make it happen? For many, the answer is no….and here we are. Judgement is a difficult thing to shake as Gwen demonstrates.
I wish I could hug you. I’m 34 and take/always have taken exceptional care of myself, with a much older husband who I know for a fact has a past and possibly present but well hidden porn/social media obsession. The amount of hurt it has caused me and the effect on our relationship has been so tremendous and articles like this only empower a man like my husband to believe, even if only in secret, that I and other women only exist to offer whatever it is he thinks satiates his appetite (hint, nothing can because he’s ruined his own view of what sex is supposed to be). That if something is wrong it must be the woman and she must change. I have found out the hard way that nothing a woman does or doesn’t do matters if she is dealing with a man who can’t be held accountable for his warped view of women and therefore continues to stay stuck in his own toxic ways. Thank you for writing this.
Your comment has to be the most well thought out, communicated, and even logical statement that I have ever read. I don’t know who you are but thank you for restoring my hope for the future of humanity and woman kind. I had all but given up seeking the elusive sisterhood amongst women that I thought awaited me in my adult life. I thought I would have that county of women supporting each other. Today I read your comment. I see possibilities again 😌
My story is kind of opposite to most other women.
I got rejected when I was younger. I was always slim because my body is firmer then other women’s body’s. Therefore I always looked very slim and had small boobs. Now I got older and gained more weight and my boobs grew suddenly big due to getting close to menopause./my boobs are not a sign of me being more fertile. The opposite. But as my body tends to be firm like mentioned before, I look still younger. Like other women in their twenties.
And now get the attene of men.
I suffered from rejection during a long term relationship when I was younger. As I gained weight over the years he was more attracted to me. But by that time I hated him due to all his rejection and him preferring really horrible women due to their bigger boobs or rounder (fluffier) bodys.
He himself kind of admitted that I looked better then them due to my body still being firmer. I simply aged better then them.
All bla bla to me. He showed me that for a men the quality of a women (personality, health) doesn’t matter.
I asked him once when I found out that he masturbated looking at photos of a women we new. I asked him if it doesn’t turn him off that she was a mean and sick person, an absolutely psychological wrack that needed heavy medication to function and tried to do horrible things to him. I asked him if something like this doesn’t puts a men off from feeling attracted to a women. He didn’t understand what I mean. He called me crazy, because I couldn’t understand how he sexually disred her over me his girlfriend who (me) was kind to him….
There were other horrible stories especially with this guy sexually preferring other women over me just because of their physical appearance. I was just not his type. He was neither mine. But women love and disre men differently.
I wouldn’t mind if he was looking at porn stars or women he didn’t know. To me it would have been an illusion he would have attracted. But he looked at women who also displayed horrible personality traits or qualities.
Those women were so low in their qualities, I couldn’t feel jelouse. I actually realised how low his standards were after I broke up.
Within the relationship I was in some sort of denial. I couldn’t belief that men are so fixated on women’s body’s and although I was healthy and pretty most men ignored me because I was not a bombshell.
Now I realise that I get more attention from men now that I look different. It is so sad, because I am still the same person and it shows me that men don’t see me as a person.
And I now that my intelligence is a natural repellent to men anyway and that as soon as a man would get to know me he would turn away because my intelligence would bother and distract him from my big boobs and that this is just not sexy to most men, because men are not attracted to a women’s personality …
My conclusion: As a women you can change the way your body looks but you can’t change who you are.
Therefore, why bother if a men rejects you just because you are a human and therefore don’t look the same you used to. Those men never loved you.
In this case you have to let go and try to find happiness somewhere else.
I conquer! I had the same situation~ GOD Bless you honey.
Traci Johnston 😉
It’s interesting reading over these comments. For me, it’s about the woman I married gaining too much weight. She’s always been pretty, but over the years she’s neglected herself and really ignored her weight gain. I’m talking in the area of 50% plus weight gain over where she was when we met and married. I’d estimate 60 to 70 lbs. I don’t ask because I don’t want her to feel uneasy, but I’m usually good with weight estimates.
I actually sat down with her a little over a year ago and told her I was struggling with my attraction for her. She kicked it into gear and dropped about 30 lbs over the next four months. But that didn’t last long and she’s right back where she was. Perhaps more.
She has little to zero interest in subjects like health, nutrition, longevity, working out, etc. She has pretty much NO activity to speak of. Most of her time is spent sitting and looking at her smartphone.
I on the other hand have always been weight-aware, work out regularly, and I’m very health-minded. I do it for myself, but I also do it for her, because I assume she’d like to be married to someone who closely resembles who she met and fell in love with. I would feel extreme guilt if I pasted on 40 or 50 lbs and expected her to just roll with it. Love is great, but love doesn’t allow for us to subconsciously negate the laws of attraction.
I’ve known dozens of women who are very pretty and some even beautiful who simply don’t manage their weight or what they put in their mouth. Of course the beauty diminishes when you’re looking at someone who’s carrying around far more weight than they should.
One pattern I’ve noticed with both men and women is during the period when they’re dating or are looking for a mate, they are often far more cognizant of their weight / appearance, but shortly after marriage they often eliminate the weight concerns from their list. This is just a mystery to me. One assumes that the average individual would have to know that the reason your spouse was interested in you, and actually married you was because they found you attractive. So what the hell goes through these people’s heads when they passively decide that they can put on 40, 50, or 80 lbs without it affecting the relationship?
It’s depressing and now I find my sexual interest almost non-existent, and I’m an individual who has had a high libido since my teen years. I often use the sports approach to tell myself to “get my mind right” and force myself to pick up my libido, but that’s tough to maintain when you’re forcing it verses having a natural sexual desire.
She’s tried to eat better, be more weight aware, but the reality is there really has been no change. It’s easy to see the difference between someone who is taking weight off and someone who isn’t. She’s a slave to the wrong foods and to inactivity and that’s killing our physical relationship.
NY Times came out with an article citing research that shows most married couples gain 15-30+ lbs once they are married. It’s quite normal for married couples to gain weight…does that mean couples, individuals who want different shouldn’t talk about it, or resign to asking for what helps them feel attracted — absolutely not. The topic of weight is a very sensitive one, so I cite research here just to say, gaining weight and changing bodies are quite normal. I wonder if it’s just her weight, or is it that you wish she understood you more on your values around health and your desire to be united in that way? when I talk with men about their upset that their wife has gained weight, I always find it’s not the weight but more so a desire to create shared values, to be heard, and to work towards something as a team (like working out, eating healthier, caring about being sexy for your partner). Here is that NY Times article (and one from NY Post):
NY Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/13/fashion/weddings/13FIELD.html
NY Post: https://nypost.com/2018/09/21/being-in-a-relationship-is-making-us-fatter/
Wow following on each comment ..
The guy im with chased me as I repeatedly declined but we were friends. After awhile I gave in as I never had someone try so hard and be sweet to me.
Its been 6 years with mostly helping days than pleasant, as he and I have gone out a few times but any female around he forgets im alive.
He watches porn constant and I’ve accused the craziest accusations but after treating me like im insane and running off slamming doors and busting things of mine he was caught doing these insane things. I want to leave so the load on my shoulders isn’t keeping me under water. I’m so discouraged and can’t believe the treatment I get when hes done everything to ruin my life after I declined so many times. Hes not caring as I lost my mom and bringing him to the family gathering for a small funeral he hid and watched porn. My feelings were and are still hurt. Its something I can’t not throw in his face every argument.
I know this is over and there’s so much more hes done but ill need to write a book. Why would someone do this to someone?
my husband is very overweight and its never bothered me because i love him for who he is.
weve been married 18 years.
we had twins 2 years ago and im struggling to lose the last 25 or so pounds. im trying its just not coming off.
so my husband tells me hes not attracted to me anymore. hes easily 100 to 150 lbs over weight but im supposed to starve myself to be thinner for him.
it hurts a lot. 25 pounds is the difference between him wanting me and not wanting me after i birthed our children.
That’s so sad and so typical. So many men are so shallow. It’s always about looks only. Whatever happened to love is blind. Men say they love your but then you find out that they just love the way you look and how you are a good sex object for you. It’s so sick
Just wanted to let you know that I had to almost starve for my ex husband to stick around. He said he was no longer attracted to me for my weight gain and couldn’t stay with someone he wasn’t attracted to. I lost the weight; starving and kept it off for years. I could only maintain it by eating one meal a day. (Honestly, weight is in my genes so I was never able to eat like a normal person and maintain.) I had a physical labour type of job where I lifted and threw over 1000 cases of alcohol per day, while chasing a toddler and caring for our new baby son and my preteen daughter AND the house back at home.
(So I didn’t lack for physical ‘exercise.)
Now that he’s been gone for years, I’ve put weight on. I’m 50 now and everything has slowed down including me. We lose muscle mass as we age also. I’ve had some health issues but I couldn’t figure out why I weigh what I do now. Luckily, I did find out and it isn’t my f’in fault! It’s the meds I’ve been on for years that I can’t just go off from!
It sucks horribly. Just wondering, maybe your wife has some physical issues going on that you or even her know nothing about? You never know…
I am sorry to hear that you had that experience. Some of us are bigger, skinnier, taller…shorter or heavier. Ideally, we find ourselves in a marriage where our partner can and does see much more. I have family members, an aunt, who put on a lot of weight due to her thyroid (and not something she can help plus certain meds don’t help). That being said, her husband has stuck around, loved her, and been faithful/loyal and deeply caring towards her. I am sorry you didn’t have that experience and I appreciate your comment to Scott. It’s a good thing for husbands and wives to consider, their bodies will change and sometimes a doctor can do wonders to help us understand what is happening.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5yrs now. Should have seen the red flags from the beginning but I over looked them writing them off as differences that can be worked out. First red flag met him online & he was visiting his “ex” kids -kids that aren’t his, they weren’t married & weren’t together long enough to be a father figure to; they may not have even truly been an ex at the time. I told him no thank you because I didn’t want to be involved with someone who still spends time on their ex and confuses her children with visits when the relationship with the mother is over. It was like he was holding on to the relationship & seeking better. I kept saying no and then he asked what my problem was so I was honest. Finally we went on a date. 2nd reed flag he barely talked to me on the date and came to it drunk- just wanted sex. Then he totally changed and was sweet and would visit me at work, bring me food want to have lunch with me, want to go on walks with me, just be around me. After a few dates he told me he loved me I asked why and told him I needed to know him more to say it back. Finally I did, because I did- still do. He asked me to move in, the only furniture he had was a bed because he was barely ever home always out gambling and partying. Found lipstick on a cup in his sink, he swore it was one of his friends girlfriends because he had friends over for drinks. Didn’t want me to know his friends, keeps those lives separate. I seen texts from a stripper he gave his number too and when I confronted him about it all he could say was nothing happened yet he’d always leave me at home and go out with friends until 4am and I’d go out and find him at the casino most times. He’d tell me he’d only be out with his friends for an hour, be home in an hour or 2 and I wouldn’t be able to get ahold of him or he’d block my calls or yell at me for calling and he’d be gone until 4am, even started saying he was just going to get a lottery ticket then he’d hope in his buddies car and they’d be out all night & I’m sitting at home thinking he got mugged walking to get lottery or something terrible happened. Then he signed himself out of the casino on my birthday one year, things got a lot better, we talked about a baby, he helped me get the courage to leave a very toxic work place that I’d been working in for over 13yrs. Last year I got pregnant and I had just started a new job not aware at the time I was pregnant. I worked through the thick of the pandemic, worked overtime, came in early, worked scheduled days off all shifts were night shifts so I was coming home after midnight each night & he’d either be out or have friends over while I was at work. I started to feel sick was stressed about it thinking it was covid then finding out I was pregnant. When I told my new job they sent me home for 3 weeks with no pay because they don’t know what to do with me. I was beyond stressed & my boyfriend wouldn’t give me the comfort I needed, he just gave me more stress. Then one night I came home his friend was over I was 8 months pregnant then, him and his friend had been drinking heavily I was upset he was there because of the pandemic and having him in our home while im with child and because it was after midnight I just got home from work and wanted to relax and go to bed. But still I stayed up played cards with them & my boyfriend started getting mean calling me names because I didn’t understand the card game I’ve never played, because I offered to drive his friend home to save him cab fair and because my boyfriend wasn’t in a condition to drive. His friend even told him to take it easy on me but he still went off how I’m worthless, lazy don’t do anything for him, chubby and so on. I still gave his friend a ride home and he refused to come for the ride because I wouldn’t let him drive my car drunk. When I got home he’s fast asleep but then I get a Facebook message from some girl screenshots of how he was just flirting with her and her telling me she knows him through his ex and he’s no good and I’m 8mnths with his baby asking her for more info but she blocks me. The next day I ask him what it’s about he knows immediately what girl I’m talking about yet he never sent her those messages she screenshot & she’s lying. Then he stopped having friends over closer to my due date , he started being sweet and caring again. Baby was a week late, I had to be induced, this was my first child I was scared shitless. Boyfriend was being amazing until, I’m finally getting strong contractions, laying half paralyzed from the epidural and when I refuse to lay fully down in fear of vomiting and choking on it because I can’t move he gets mad goes off yelling at me as soon as the nurse left the room, then threats to leave me there alone because I won’t lay down fully. He leaves the room , I cry start calling for him or the nurse or anyone because I was scared & in pain & didn’t know what to do. He comes back into the room & tells me I need to smarten up or he’ll leave for good next time. Since having our baby he’s been home, or working, he’s been a great
dad, but since having the baby he won’t have sex with me. Says I’m “chub chub” that I just need to work out, I’m loosing the weight but slowly and I work out 4-5 times a week and eat healthy. I am in my 30s and just had a child and my child comes first in needs over my own but I still believe that my boyfriend and mines relationship shouldn’t suffer and he can’t give me a good reason why. Every category on that list above he has a check mark in. When he’s home from work his focus is his phone, playing gambling games on it or talking with his buddies, spends a lot of time in the bathroom with his phone. Plays with the baby but when baby starts to fuss then he wants me to take over so he can focus on betting on his phone. He doesn’t notice, acknowledge or appreciate anything that I do for him the baby the house, tells me not to work and stay home with baby but then calls me lazy and acts as if I’ve never in my life had a job. I am very lonely, and I’m afraid he’s cheating on me since I’ve seen receipts for live webcam porn before, and he stalks girls on Instagram, TikTok and onlyfans. And he just ups and leaves saying ha going to get lottery when ever he wants. He rejects my sexual advances all of the time, we fight all of the time when I tell him how I feel he says all I do is complain & nag and how can he want to have sex when with me when I don’t leave him alone. It seems he wants to live a life seperate of me but I’m there in the background caring for baby, cleaning the house, and should be cooking meals. I get 2hrs of sleep each night if baby isn’t keeps me up stress and anxiety and depression is. I feel like I’m doing all I can, trying, trying to get a bond back between us, grasping at our relationship and he just keeps getting mad at my efforts and then rejecting it and telling me be better, be different and he goes and watches a girl shake her ass on TikTok wearing nothing but a bikini that leaves little to the imagination especially when she’s dancing. And then he tells me I’m insecure when I ask him not to watch them, when I tell him I don’t purposely search for half naked guys on the internet and then eh acts like I can’t get anyone but him & he only tolerates me because we have a kid together now and he can look at whoever he wants and will and he’s not doing anything, they’re “not real ppl” but they are real ppl, very real and be local. And he was even flirting with a scentsy rep on social media and when I try to add her to order shot he ignores my requests but will comment on photos of my baby on Facebook as if she knows my baby or boyfriend personally and I’m sorry but I won’t have some girl try to be my babies new mom. That’s not happening. I deserve to know what’s truly going on and how he truly feels about me and where our relationship stands and I fucking deserve sex with my boyfriend who claims to love me & to be treated respectfully not gaslighted! And constantly second guessing my worth and value on this planet and I deserve to not feel so utterly alone that I’d rather just disappear off the face of the earth. I know that my life could be worse, that other have it much worse than I do & I very much appreciate all I have, especially my baby because he is worth all the pain and words can not describe how much I love my baby but I don’t just want my life to be an empty vessel mindless fulfilling babies needs I have needs that need to be fulfilled too and wants and if I didn’t want my boyfriend then I wouldn’t be with him. It’s the fact that I can’t figure out any more if he wants me & he only responded with anger to me over everything that makes me feel as if he doesn’t but he tells me he does. Where are the actions though? He thinks because he goes to work and busy me food that I should be 100% satisfied and know from that that he loves me. I just want to know if it’s actually over so I can stop holding on to hope & just move on start a new life.
Oh honey, I am sorry to tell you this, but he does not love you and he never has. He doesn’t even like you and he has zero respect for you. He just keeps you around for convenience and because he likes to have someone around to mistreat. He is using and abusing you!
You sound like a wonderful person. Kind, caring, loving, smart, gentle and a great mother. You deserve to be in a loving relationship where you are treated with love, kindness and respect.
Your child also deserves a happy mother that is treated well, a good example and to be treated well by their father.
Your boyfriend is not going to change for the better. He will keep using and abusing you and your child as well when they are older. Your child will be as unhappy as you are and will learn that they are worthless and unloved and not worthy of being treated with kindness and respect.
Get out as soon as you can! You and your child are both better of alone than with this bad example of a human being. Your boyfriend can’t be saved or changed. Your situation will only get worse and worse if you stay. You don’t need him in your life and he does not deserve your love.
You deserve the best <3 and he is the worst!
I’m so sorry you are going through that. He is a toxic person and you and your baby deserve better. I know you probably feel that you love him but by staying with him you aren’t loving yourself. I also want to point out that your relationship is NOT a good example for your child. Good luck in your future and I hope things work out for the best.
Funny I put something up here for help and it was taken down thanks for the help and support.
I never took anything of yours down, but it has been a while since I went through and read all the comments and then accepted genuine comments like yours (and denied the countless spam ones that people hope will get accepted with spam links). I am sorry it’s taken me so long to go through that process…this site has grown tremendously, it used to be a tiny website with just a few hundred visits a month and now it’s grown (a very good thing) but that sometimes means a comment may not show up for some time. If your comment isn’t seen, maybe you can re-post it. I am going and reading/accepting and doing the essential work of maintaining a useful comment thread and blog. Feel free to email me if I somehow missed something. Thanks for your patience.
So I’ve been with my fiance for going on 11 years now and he is a wonderful father and loves me. I know that deep down. So when we first met he told me right from the get go he likes to wear maid costumes or dress in high heels and lady’s clothing and being punished to do chores and likes to be whipped. He said i can berry it and forget about it. I told him he shouldn’t have to because that is who he is. And at first I thought it was sorta kinky and really had no problem with it. But now that we have our 4 year old daughter ever since she was born I’ve tried to loose the weight but can’t and I also figured he was going through a faze with the dressing up. Because honestly I’m board with it and have no interest in it anymore and I’ve told him. But the only way to even get him aroused is looking at men dressed up like that. And I am seriously alway the one to start something if I want sex. And before our daughter was born I could do it a couple time a day but my sex drive also went down a little. But its like he doesn’t even try anymore. So last year I caught him online talking with girls trying to fulfill his kinky bedroom stuff because I don’t have any interest in it anymore, and he didn’t see why that was a problem at first. He swore he never actually met with anyone and he would never go as far to actually having sex with them. I flipped out at him and told him he should have came to me about this and asked me about it first. And then this obsession with dressing up got worst he was buying all these outfits and bras and panties and high heels. And the the butt vibrator thing. And I cone across this receipt for over $400 in this stuff he bought. He come and hands me a remote and says go crazy. I was so furious at this point. And just wanted to smash the remote. So we talked and I thought I could contain this. He likes to go out at night for a random trip to get gas and fills it up dressed up. Which makes me feels completely ashamed he is doing it. But it still hasn’t fazed out. And I am always sitting around trying to figure out why he can’t just look at me and feel sexually attracted to me. I’ve tried wearing sexy things going out of my comfort zone and still nothing. I just want him to grab me and be like we’re having sex and he never has and by the looks of it never will. Also did I mention he has no experience in sex at all. I’ve tried teaching him things and what I like but never does it. My love for this man goes deeper then sex obviously but I’m at the stage in my life where I just want a man to be a man and take me. So I’m at a completely lost here.
You’ve tried everything, losing weight, doing what he wants.
So it’s time woman’s fault if the man is cold fish? I resent how you imply that the woman is to blame & that she needs to twist herself into a pretzel or become a bag of bones to be worthy of love & affection. Shame on you. You are nothing but a mysongonist. Disgusting.
Well, l feel like such a fool, its beyond comprehension how l could of been so nieve .
I was around 48 yrs old ( married since age of 21 to my spouse at the time) when , we went into a sexless marriage. No over night thing , no arguments, no fights, my husband just stopped having sex with me.
I know that my husband had been started on “Statins” around 4 months , then one day he had difficulty obtaining an erection.
I attributed this to the statin medication.
I left it at that. Because l did not want him to feel bad, or less manly l ended up accepting a sexless marriage for about 9 yrs. I figured l married was for better or worse, and in sickness and health . l treated our sexless marriage as a result of an illness.
We retired, moved to the Caribbean in 2011, Dominican Rep.
Our sexless marriage continued until 7- 2015. When l found out my husband had been in a long term affair with a 20 yr old native. Having even fathered a newly born kid.
To say the least, l was devastated,
destroyed.
l later learned that men with erection problems, still get sexual desires , just can nor obtain an erection. Dumb me.
Here, these young females, are everywhere soliciting older men, for favors, money , to be kept , very common and acceptable here. My husband is originally from here.
This does not excuse his behavior he could of rejected the advances. He knew right from wrong.
He had met this girl in a local 2nd bit local shabby bar. He had loaned her some money ( a lot by standards here). When he asked for repayment , woman said l dont have money to repay you, but l cam repay you in another way.
He agreed, had never been ever with another female nor unfaithful during all our marriage until now.
He , went to buy his ED pills and bang, he ate from the forbidden fruit, loved it and was hooked.
The affair lasted 5 yrs, until l found out by accident of course.
Here is my dilema. Its been 5 yrs now. He insisted from the very beginning he never loved this girl. That his connection was due to sex, ego and to enjoy himself.
However, l have so much insecurities. I wonder, not only about his affair which is tragic enough, but why did he never in the first 9 years and later 6byrs with his skank , did he never ever once have sexual intimacy with me. HOWEVER, when , other woman approached him for sex , he immediately jumped went running to by the ED pills to solve his problem. Then continued with his mistress for almost 6 yrs.
Now in 2021, he insists, he wants to continue our marriage ( another 6 yrs in abstinence) and resume a normal marriage.
I am so hurt at being, chastised by him unnecessarily, because its evident that all along that had had no desire to have intimacy with me.
I hurts that he found me undesirable.
In essence l was only maid, his nurse after open heart surgery , etc
I do not want him to force himself, into having intimacy with me. I feel worse at the thought of him faking or forcing himself to have sex with me . I do not trust what he now says that he does feel a desire to be intimate- yeh right now after a total of 18 years. Am l to believe out of the blue he now desires me.
I feel he is only saying this in order for me and him to resume being together permanently, because he doesn’t want to be alone. Or he feels lonely . I told him l refuse to go back to a fake marriage. I told him l do not need a roommate.
We have been apart since 2015, 2 attempts at reconciliation have failed.
We do see each other frequently.
Sometimes he even spends a couple days at my house .
I do not want to be disrespected. I do not want to be made a fool of ever again.
I did not catch him , not because l am stupid. I did not catch him because l trusted him 100%. I never wasted my time with jealousy , l gave him free time ever since we got married to be with his friends, to have his space. I have forgiven him but honestly I will never trust him like l did before.
I honestly don’t, know what to do.
Leave him period
feeling sad for you.Move on and start a new life if possible.
He just want someone to take care of him .
Even if he was suffering from ED or other medical issues he would have taken steps to satisfy you in other ways.
He would have taken ED drugs when you were young.
I dont trust him .He loved you but never had sex with you he never loved that girl but bought ED medication and had sex with her and baby also. Wow he think you are fool and had been fooling you since years.
It’s interesting I read this and as a man main points are not really addressed. Most men give up trying to have see because they are tired of being rejected due to issues of pms, mood swing headaches or a coldfish. As we get older we stop trying and begin to focus on other things. Sometimes women forget that guys need to be in a mood and to just say let’s have sex or he doesn’t look at my naked body is not valid. We need intimacy and moods to be set as well. Women believe that men react to let’s have sex as we instantly get aroused this is a joke. Sometimes it the opposite women have forgotten how we are and the constant nagging of life and kids and work make it impossible to be intimate. It’s interesting that wife’s can tell husbands what’s wrong, or go shave or you put on weight but when the coin is flipped we get rebuked for being selfish and mean and you wonder what’s wrong. .. guys want to be touched, hugged, loved feel they are still important just as much as any other person
I have worked with many couples where a man says: “It’s not that I am not attracted to my wife, it’s just a part of me started to give up because she didn’t reciprocate.” In the same breath, I also know many women have said this in sessions too. Intimacy is an incredibly complex subject and I appreciate you adding to the dialogue. And I fully agree, men and women alike want to be touched/kissed/hugged and in fact, research clearly shows that men need more hugs daily and touch because socially it’s less built into men’s lives (one researcher I interviewed said men need more like 12 hugs daily to get the oxytocin needs they need while women need more around 8 hugs a day to get the same benefit of what touch/hug gives on a purely physiological level)
I’m sorry but that’s BS. I’m the one who gave up because i got tired of the rejection from him. I’ve heard about so many other women who have experienced this.
I have the same problem. I am always initiating. I’m always the one longing for hugs and kisses. I feel unwanted. I keep asking him whats wrong, i said he can talk to me. He said nothing is wrong. I know he’s not cheating or there’s other girl because he’s always at home when he’s not at work. He just seems so distant. I just talked to him tonight how i feel, lets see if he’s going to change.
Sweetheart, I was in a similar situation with my ex husband. He had been having an affair with a co-worker while I was expecting our second child. I tried to make it work for 2 years after catching him with this woman who knew he was married and expecting. It never was the same. I couldn’t stand his touch thinking he had touched someone else this way or sex, there wasn’t much to begin with but the fact I couldn’t help but think of them and what they did and what he felt for her ever. We are great friends now and I am remarried and he is engaged. Our children are happy and thriving. You have given your husband the best of yourself, shown patience and love, yet this is your repayment. I think you owe it to yourself to follow your own heart and happiness. Best to you. Feel free to reach out if you need an unbiased ear and a friend!
Had he married any of these “desirable” women, they would be in the same position as you. He enjoys the mystery. The lust & chase. He isn’t owning up to his responsibilities as a husband (or even a human being). Maybe get a divorce & settlement if you can. Have some fun, and fall in love again with someone who is mature enough. 50 is the new 30 😉
I agree, OBlanche! A person like that will become bored no matter who they are with.
They could be with women who are almost perfect and still want something else.
I cannot tell you how similar your situation is to mine. (Way too in depth to go into detail here.) I’m a 56 year old woman, married for over 38 years. If you care to discuss our situations, feel free to email me at 1bonchesva2@gmail.com. I hope you’re doing better.
I’m so very sorry for you and your heart. I could only imagine and put together what I’ve been through and what you’ve been through together to try and understand better.
You are a darling women.
I don’t think you should have to suffer in this marriage. You could have lots of intimacy and love and fun.
Don’t choose the marriage over your life.
I can not tell you how upsetting your post is. I feel so badly for you I wish I could do something for you ♥️ This is not your fault. Please try not to put blame on yourself and try to focus on your own thoughts and feelings right now to help you decide what to do. Don’t let other people make you feel you should do one thing or another. Only you know what you want. It’s so scary to take the steps to stop a relationship and it takes time sometimes to know if it’s right for you or not. One day you will wake up and know exactly what to do. Is he still seeing her or speaking to her in a romantic way? I really think you should go to your own therapist if possible. You can do zoom appointments online and books are a great spot to start too. I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you! I will be thinking about you. Xxoo ♥️ A stranger-friend who has felt a similar pain ♥️♥️
My boyfriend and I been together for over 7 years. I moved in with him 2016. I’m the biggest girl he has ever been with. His past girlfriends are skinny. His mom tried breaking us up multiple times but everytime he still stayed with me cause “he loves me”. Things took a shift on our 4th year together. He said “I love Twitter thots they are like porn but real” he said that on our anniversary. I blew up on him and he apologized. He said “I don’t know you would get upset” ever since that I didn’t want him following onlyfans girls or watching Twitter girls videos or looking at their photos. He said he hasn’t and one time he unfollowed them all and showed me proof… one day he got back from his trip to help his grandma move. And after we had the nasty, he goes to the bathroom leaving his phone on the bed with me. It gets a notification, guess what… he made a secret Twitter account following all those girls… he lied to me. I blew up on him and he made it look like my fault… that I shouldn’t have touched his phone and we just had the nasty so why am I ruining our night together. I’m ruining it?!? Well we got past that… it wasn’t until later like I would say… a year or so after that… we would get into many fights about it… when we fought he would say the most hurtful things that can be said to a person you love, then he told me “I’m not attracted to you, you’re not my type. I wish I could put your brain into a skinnier woman” that hurt me so much. Later I talked to him about it.. he said he went around it the wrong way.. he wants me healthy so we can grow old together. But that’s not what he said. I know I’m not his type… but I’m inlove with him. He spends a lot of the time gaming and talking with his online friends (guys). We don’t get much time together. We have the nasty still… but… I can’t climax. I don’t tell him that. I feel so ugly… I feel so fat. I am trying to lose weight but it’s not enough… I don’t know what to do…
Sorry to say this but your bf sounds like an emotionally abusive & manipulative jerk. In a nutshell if you’re not his “type” or he finds you “unattractive” then why did he choose to date you? Ask him that. Think about that. It’s okay to meet someone different from your “type” and fall for them. But there’s still a level of attraction. There is still something about you they like and wouldn’t want you to change. I had an ex who did the same thing. Made me lose weight and feel inadequate. Made me feel like men don’t like heavier girls. I left him. I’m a heavier girl, married AND get hit on all the time. There’s lots of men who prefer bigger girls. Tell him when he gets old and bald (which most men do and can’t help) tell him you’re leaving for someone not bald. See how he feels.
Tell him if those are the girls he wants and he can’t accept what you look like, there’s the door.
Bestie please contact me Im going through the same shit. Been trying to find someone whos also dealing with this. My insta is pixel.grl
I know how hard this is
He’s the sweetest man. He looks at me as the sweetest girl. But he says he’s never felt the attractive pull towards me. I pursued him in the beginning. Was and still am so smitten with this beautiful man. He treats me mostly wonderful. Wants to share himself and his life with me. Goes out of his way to spend time with me. He is learning my love languages and cuddles me close and kisses my forhead. We play video games and music and escape the world together, eating yummy things I cook for us and tickling and giggling. He fits so perfectly with my life. I fit so perfectly with his. Yet. He doesn’t blink an eye when I dress sexy. We can go for a month without his craving to have any sexual connection. When we shared our first kiss and he got my shirt off..he fell asleep. He has fallen asleep during forplay and during sex. He is slow to gain an erection and it doesnt last long. He practices semen retention so he doesnt ejaculate. I dont know the last time he focused on making me climax. He has shared 2 ejaculations with me in almost a year of intimacy. He doesn’t get hard when we kiss and stops me after a little while when I give him oral. We sought one session of tribal counseling and he admitted he had always had a high libido and doesnt know why is isnt with me. That he’s waiting for it to come and it confuses him because I’m perfect. I am shriveling and just need to get f$*&ed. I snooped on his phone and found that he looks up hot girls on social media, sometimes friends of his or mutual friends of ours. I masturbate incessantly..but find it hard to fantasize about him and his lack of desire for me. I am losing my attraction to myself. I feel hopeless. He says he is happy. Wants to do life with me. But I feel like he’s settling and it’ll only get worse. How can we make a kiddo if he doesnt ejaculate? I want so share my life with my beautiful, fun best friend but I dont want us to be stuck in a marriage where we are both craving outside of the marriage for this need to be met. I need him to want me. To crave me. To be magnetized to me like I am to him. Gosh I love him. What do we do?
Sexual connection is complicated and usually has many layers. I’d highly recommend speaking with a professional (more or someone else). I have worked with many couples in similar situations, and each time I find there are layers and they don’t just open, but take several sessions to unravel and work through.
I am in a similar situation. My guy went off partying like crazy lying cheating getting in trouble. During that time I tried to get rid of him but he would insist that he is in love with me. Then finally he hung out with the wrong crowd and went to jail. The truth was all sorted out . now he’s a new man . the best . I love this guy. So before when he was a lying cheating asshole he kept me hanging with “breadcrumb” love . now that he’s great and ki d and honest to me he swears I am the only one but never ever initiates sex. Many people tell me I am attractive. I think it’s like weve become family but not as a couple. As a brother – sister family bond. It sucks. I am so sexually frustrated that iam in pain. I get so angry laying next to him either naked or in a getting or sexy lingerie and its obvious that no matter what I do , ithas absolutely no affect. There is nothing I can do to piss him off. There is nothing I can do to make him horny. Well there is one thing (if I could become a totally. different woman, then he would prolly get horny if I laid there , even in ugly pajamas! Lol. I am so annoyed . I almost want to slap him when he pecks. Me on my lips or and tells me. “I love you”. It’s like he’s doing thebare minimum thinking that I’ll be satisfied and wont notice that we never have sex.
Ugh.
Sarah
How old are you 2? From the sound of it (video games/ friends & social media), you sound very young (18-25). Maybe he is gay (or indecisive). Late bloomer. Men often lie about their libido to their female partner because it’s not very comfortable admitting you’re malfunctioning down below. But in any case, I’d check his sexual orientation, meds and history before you check yourself at the door.
Our sex life has been almost non existence for the past year and a half almost two years out of the 10 years we have been together. When it started I figured it was becuz he was tired becuz of school and work. So I started to initiate and every time hes come up with an excuse: too tired, sore, heart burn, it’s too late, hes not thinking about sex..or the ever hurtful throwing a FIT about me wanting sex or trying to go down on him. Thought okay we’ve been together a long time sex drives go down…but hes been masturbating at least a few times a week. Compared to the 12 times we had sex in the past year and a half..hes been dropping hints I need to lose weight. The saddest part out of those 12 times 8 time he was asleep when he initiated sex(hes an active sleeper).like the only way hes sexually interested in me anymore is if he doesnt know we are having sex two of those times when he finally woke up during intercourse he jumped off and yelled at me like I did something wrong. I’ve tried dressing sexier…everything I can think of..but he still prefers masturbation. Not even to porn..but to pictures of models and of men dressed like women..feels like hes so uninterested in me sexually he even prefers men who dress like women!!!!obviously still loves me..but it makes me feel unwanted, and ugly like I’m not good enough or theres something wrong with me. I mean I’ve gained 40 lbs over the last 5 years but I’m not fat. I dont know what to do short of dumping him…….
Hes obviously into men
Men dressed like women turn him on? You have bigger problems than what you imagine.
Sadly, I am in the same page right now. My husband of 12 years likes watching porn even before we got married. However, this is truly painful to me, and J already talked to him about that. He knows that it hurts because he told me once that while we are making love I’m not the person in his mind but all those pornstars that he watched. Now, he is not having sex with me without looking at other women especially with those big chested ones. I feel so devastated, sad and angry. I can’t even look at my body in the mirror. I feel so ugly. It really made me sad because I’ve been trying my best to love him and understand him. There was even a time when we’re about to have sex and he just shook his head. I asked him but he wouldn’t tell me. I insisted then he shouted at me saying that ‘it’s because I have small breasts’. I cried but he did not care saying that it is my fault for not accepting his weaknesses as a man. He has many different issues too, every time he watches porn or look at other women to fantasize them. It made him agitated and easily gets mad. Right now, I don’t know what to do anymore because we almost always fight because of his short-tempered attitude, which usually happens when he watches porn. My children are also affected especially when we are fighting. I’m losing my respect and love for him. Few weeks ago, I found out that he watches porn before we had sex. I asked him why, and he told me that he needed it for a change. It saddens me that he is no longer excited with my body. I remembered when he bought lingeries for me and I wear it during the early years of our marriage. He saw me and he laughed at me. He said that it does not look good me because I’m flat chested and suggested for me to have breast surgery to make them bigger. I was so hurt because I had our first baby that time. I’m thinking of filing an annulment because divorce is not an option in our religion. I feel hurt, devastated and ridiculed.
Exactly , once I’ve read every word and now understand wtf is going on I honestly don’t care because I gave up along time ago . It’s fucking disgusting!
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. This is so much more difficult to do than to say but you need to do what is best for you and like yourself. Sometimes the person we think should be our forever person, the one we think is the person we were meant for really is holding us back from having the life we deserve. I have been divorced for 2 years after being married for 16 years. We were high school sweethearts. I was tired of not being good enough or chosen and I decided that I’m the one who needed to decide whether I was good enough or not and choose myself. It’s not easy, I won’t say it is but at least I don’t go to bed every night and wake up every morning feeling ashamed for being me or feeling worthless. Please do yourself a favor and stop blaming you and quit trying to fix yourself for someone who isn’t worth losing yourself over. You deserve to be happy and feel desired and attractive and if he can’t do that then you know what you need to do.
So an annulment means you weren’t married and had sex over 12 years? Not to get off the subject, but give me a break. Catholicism is such a ridiculous denomination. That’s like saying I was a virgin and then began having sex, but then “annulled” my non-virgin sexually active life and went back to being a virgin. Can’t put the genie back into the bottle I’m afraid.
My husband is always talking about how hit other women are infront of me. He watches porn with nothing but super skinny girls witch I am not.. and it really hurts me what do I do?
If its Love i dont understand why its so diffcult…my guy 2ill get so loud while jercking off it makes me feel horrible..i try n talk to him and then an argument…..id rather just have him OUT of my life than to feel so unwanted and ugly…i feel i love him i support him financially n i get to feel crappy for doung so….i do love him…but i feel he sonr give a damn about me only wat i can give him…
Im hurting n im real tired of feeling like i feel…i dont deserve none of it…
This pandemic really helped me a lot in terms of gaining closure in my marriage. I was able to spend some enough time at home to find out the gross infidelity that has been going right under my nose. I think 2020 should just come to an end already. I would not have found out, thank God for the tips and help I got from my IT guy at work. You can contact him too if you need finding out what significant other is doing on their phone krebsprivateinvestigator at gmail dot com…whoever reads this, know God loves you and there will surely be light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m reading this article with tears in my eyes. I’ve been married for just one year, we have been together 10.
I go to the gym, try to dress nicely, wear sexy things. I get hit on by everyone but my husband. I don’t understand, I’ve tried everything. I cook, clean, give him cuddles, listen, make an errort with his family and friends (they speak to me more than they do him)
I purposely picked out clothing I knew he loved yesterday, I cuddled him, listened to him.
We went to bed and he turned his back to me and fell asleep. I lie there silently crying until I fell asleep.
I dont get it, why ask me to marry him and then treat me like I don’t exist. I feel I have been tricked. It hurts so much.
This is literally my life. I feel like you copy and pasted exactly what I am feeling.
Hello. I want to say you something that totally killed me and I can’t stop thinking about it. My neighbor Angela she showed interest in my boyfriend many times and my father he went to call her to come in our house. She saw that he has a tattoo on his hand and she was holding his hand for longer time. He said that he didn’t felt that she touched him he said his hand was dead. After he became cold and distant with me. But its not his first time to be cold and distant with me. And when I wanted we to have sex he was saying he’s tired and most of the time he was on his phone it was like I don’t exist. Please tell me what to do. I am so confused
I’m 5’7″, 124lbs and athletic. My husband and I married a year and a half ago and about 6 months into the marriage he started wanting sex less and less and I noticed it felt “empty” when we did. I care about my physical appearance a lot. I wear makeup and dress nicely nearly everyday. I tried lingerie and anything else I felt okay doing to get his attention. I asked dhim if there was anything new he wanted to try. I have been trying to talk about the issue off and on for months. He kept saying he was tired or had performance anxiety. I finally told him there has to be something else after he got in the shower with me and there was no sign of any interest in me. He finally admitted he isn’t attracted to me anymore. My face lost color and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then he tells me he hasn’t been for 6 to 12 months. So, he has basically been forcing himself to have sex with me on the rare occasions we actually did.
I feel sick. I’m so hurt and confused. What in the world could be the problem? He swears he isn’t watching porn or having an affair and I believe him. And he swears it isn’t that he was unsatisfied with what we had.
My husband and I have Dex 2-4 times a year. Been married for almost 8 years and it has been going on for 7 years. He refuses to sleep with me in bed and sleeps on the floor. We have a newborn and a 7 year old. About 2 years ago I cheated on him, it was nothing emotional but rather me needing a sexual relationship. I always think my husband doesn’t love but loves his ex. Also he loves his kids so much, that doesn’t have time to spend with me. Lastly, is it normal for your husband to you DUDE every freaking time?
Sorry to hear about what’s happening Cindy.
I am curious, could you clarify your question for me a bit better? “Is it normal for your husband to you Dude every freaking time?” I am not fully sure what you’re asking…
Sorry mad rit confusing. My husband calls me dude for years now, in the beginning it was all babe love and suddenly there are no sweet words. About few days ago I told him to stop calling me dude and that I don’t like him calling me that, his answer was it’s just a phrase and nothing to be sensitive about. In 2018 i really wanted to get a divorce, but he promised if we stay together everything would be back to normal which isn’t now. We have no affection towards each other and just living together for the kids. Does this kind of marriage last?
The question isn’t so much ‘does this kind of marriage last’ but rather, ‘is this the kind of marriage I want to create and be in?’
To answer your question though, yes, there are many unhappily married couples who stay together. In your case though, you’re clearly not happy with what is going on, and it’s possible to change.
Your partner’s response says a few things:
1. He doesn’t know how to validate your emotions
2. You two don’t make time to consciously talk about issues and resolve them
I could be wrong, but based on all you’ve said, there are other issues brewing. The issue of being called dude is one issue that depicts a bigger issue of how your partner isn’t sweet, cuddly, warm, loving, affectionate, and intimate with you. You’d like to have more connection, to be called sweet words, and to have him understand that being called dude isn’t something you like (and that you really miss how he called you babe, love, and other terms of endearment that made you feel good and connected).
Your relationship will benefit from some coaching. I am here if you’d like help in opening up the dialogue and getting your partner to hear you on those deeper levels.
And as a little side note – most women don’t like being called dude by their husbands. You’re not alone there and it’s a very reasonable request to not be called names you don’t like (especially ones like dude that make you feel like ‘one of the guys’ when you’re his wife and would like to feel his love in his words, not some general term like dude that is used for everyone).
Thank you so much for the respond. Reading it makes me wonder our next stage of life. When he is around me he doesn’t feel comfortable somehow feels like he is angry mad controlling. Although he is a great provider our relationship isn’t going great otherwise. We are juli ing just like roommates.
It sounds like you need to have some very clear conversations and set boundaries. When you can do this, your marriage can transform. If you don’t, he has no reason to change. It could help to get extra support, but whatever you do, have a chat with yourself about what you need and then talk to him without blame and clarity.
My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. We separated last June (with minimal contact ~ I did not hound him) as he was having an affair with his ex. Long story short, he reached out early this year and said he wanted to make it work. When we started spending very little time (our connection was phone/text) together he indicated he “wasn’t feeling the chemistry, he wasn’t attracted to me ~ sexually” (he thought he would feel the fireworks like when we first got together and like he had with his ex (as he had not been with her for a long time and was doing something wrong)). I told him it would take time and we needed to be spending time together, that he was “grieving” if you will from the loss of his affair. He went back and forth between wanting our marriage, not wanting our marriage, and thinking they could work again (even though they did not completely get along during the time). I finally said here are the divorce papers. He decided that wasn’t what he wanted and I said it was all or nothing. I’ve been staying there and we talk about future things, but he is still a little distant. I know it will take time to get our connection back, but not sure how to overcome the feelings that it won’t happen soon enough for him. Crappy place to be in and truly hurting.
That is a truly painful situation you’re in. Clearly, you must really love your husband and want to make things work. You also deserve to have him be all in with you. I recommend that you two get counseling to help you two talk, reconnect, and undo all the baggage that is now present from the affair, the painful words, and actions. You are welcome to check out any of my programs, for you two, I suggest my Reconnection Program. Here is the link if you’re interested in seeing it: https://lastingloveconnection.com/loveless-marriage-reconnection-program/
My husband and I will be married 25 years, this May. Together 30. And I am 46 years old. We began dating when I was just 16. I only ever had 1 other boyfriend. We have not had sex for nearly eight years. We have been going through a very difficult past year. I began therapy last October, because I was having panic attacks and have been very unhappy. He refuses to take any part in therapy. As he does not “believe” in it. He has always been very controlling and has been verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. I also, have been abusive back. It seems very toxic. Another reason I started therapy. Recently we had a huge fight and I had him arrested and retained an attorney, to file for divorce. About a week after the arrest, the emergency protection order ended. He started texting. Wanted to come and get some clothes etc… Of course you can probably tell what happened. I felt so sorry for him, I let him move back in. Even though I did have him stay in a separate bedroom and tried setting clear boundaries. Letting him know I am still filing for divorce. And that if there were to be any hope down the line, he needs to seek professional help and we would also need couple therapy. Each day that’s passed, he has been pushing to normalize our relationship. And I am lonely and really felt like I needed to have sex. So, I initiated sex tonight. I tried giving him oral sex, and visuals, which he liked way back when we used to have sex. Well I could not get him hard, at all. So I even asked him to try on his own, so that we could have intercourse. He did for probably 10 minutes. Was able to have sex with me for about 5 minutes and went limp. I feel so embarrassed, weak and rejected right now. We tried talking about it a little, afterwards. But he just kept saying he was actually anxious and worried he wouldn’t be able to get and stay hard. Said to me maybe her needs pills. He will be 50 in July. And I told him, that could be, but it still made me feel very unwanted and hurt, especially in the circumstances we are currently in. He did not open his eyes during the encounter, unless I turned around. Which he used to be very visual. I guess understanding also that he used to be a highly sexual person and that changed dramatically after I became ill in about 2012. I’ve had 8 abdominal surgeries, due to severe endometriosis and recurring ventral hernias from the surgeries, as well as hernia mesh rejection. As well, my stomach muscles have completely separated from each other and have about a 6 inch gap between them now.. which all the surgeons I’ve seen are too scared to try and fix.. I’ve seen 4 so far.So I know I went from having a perfect, flat stomach, to now looking 8 months pregnant all the time. It’s taking such a huge toll on my happiness and mental stability. I feel like I just gross him out at this point. I mean, I literally have no belly button anymore. It detached due to the giant hernia. It’s just another huge hurt, that I don’t know how to fix.. and I just really felt so lonely and wanted to be touched.. he barely touched me at all.. not a kiss.. no oral on his end.. the only participation on his part, was insertion, and grabbing my boob a couple of times. I really regret trying connect with him in this way. I know it is going to further complicate things.
I understand, I’ve been married almost 3 years. I went from being crazy confident, and super sexual to wondering if I’m doing something wrong or like he’s not attracted. I went and got a mommy makeover with breast augmentation, he could literally give a shit less. We’re like the best friends in the world minus the intimacy, and sexual chemistry. He’d rather go in the bathroom and watch mom porn alone, I saw his Google history so I suggested we watch it together, nope he doesn’t want to. Then it’s like work giving him an erection, he doesn’t look at me naked, it’s so different then anything I’m used to. I know I’m in decent shape. My weight is just a few pounds less then when we met which at 5’6 is 133. I used to love doing my hair and getting sexy, now it just makes me feel awful because he doesn’t blink an eye.. I know he’s attracted to older women, I’m relatively the same age as him. He’s had a crazy past in terms of sex, like he wasn’t picky some were beautiful some were hideous it was more the sneaky experience I think .
. I have no fucking clue and I’m just feeling really self conscious and this has been a cycle of me feeling great and trying, feeling rejected, wondering what’s wrong, talking to him, him doing the fake try thing for a week before it lulls back into a sexless, rabbit hole of zero intimacy… I have wondered about sexual orientation, because seriously we get along sooooo well and about everything else are totally open. I feel like this issue will end my marriage. 🙁
This is a pretty good article. Some of the issues in the article are relevant to my husband and I and some not. After reading through all the signs though I realised that more of the signs actually were relevant to us at the beginning of our relationship and maybe I should’ve brought the issues up with him before we even got married.
My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. We’ve been together for 3 and a half years. We’ve been having some conversations lately that are starting to make me think that he’s had some kind of epiphany and realised that he doesn’t find me as sexually attractive as he has been to other women that he’s been with. An example would be. I have quite curly and unruly hair. I straighten it every now and again. He has made no secret that he prefers women with straight hair, which is fine. I prefer my hair when it’s straight as well because it’s much easier to manage but I work full-time sometimes 10 hour days so I don’t often have the time to do it. My husband suggested that I make an appointment to do keratin treatment on my hair. It’s a treatment that would make my hair straight semi permanently. Again it’s something that I have often thought about doing before I even met him, so I don’t mind to do it.
The other day though he said he’d like it if I experimented more with my hair like dyed it or something. I have never dyed my hair. I quite like it’s natural colour. I’m getting the feeling that it’s finally hit him after a year of marriage that he’s signed up to look at the same face for the rest of his life so if I change my look a bit it won’t be so bad.
My husband also makes it no secret that he’s not attracted to larger women. I know I’m not fat by any means. I could be a bit more toned though. What I mean by that is I have a bit of a belly. I don’t think he’s a big fan of it because he’s said that he likes women with flat stomachs.
I don’t know much about the past women that he’s been with. I tried to bring it up once and got shut down pretty quickly. I am just curious because he’s French and I’m Australian. We live in Australia. He often compares European women to Australian women saying that he finds that European women look after themselves more and he finds Australian women to be more neglected. I don’t know if he’s had more experience dating French women or Australian women before he met me so maybe I’m not what he was used to before? He knew full well that I’m Australian when we were dating. This isn’t France. You can’t compare it and you can’t expect that people will have the same mentality. If he wanted to be with a women with a French mentality he should’ve gone back there then.
At the start of our relationship there were also a few hiccups. The signs in this article were actually more relevant then they are now to be honest. My husband and I actually started out in a long distance relationship. We were living in different states so we used to fly to visit each other every few weeks before I eventually moved in with him. We waited almost a year before we slept together and I was the one who initiated it. I did so because before that just as your article said he hardly tried to touch me. He’s certainly not shy about it now and I don’t think he has been shy about it with other women. I was wondering the other day maybe even back then he wasn’t that sexually attracted to me because if he was why wouldn’t he have tried? I have asked him about it before and he said the reason he didn’t try was because he didn’t want to give me the impression early on that sex was all he was after. We waited almost a year though! I think the message was pretty clear to me if he was still with me after a year.
A few months after I moved we did have a dry spell for almost 2 months. I wasn’t sure why until I brought it up with him. When you don’t know unfortunately your mind goes to the wrong conclusions. I was thinking he might have some kind of attraction to a female colleague. I was wrong though. My husband just told me he was getting a bit bored of the sex and wanted us to spice things up. To be perfectly honest I had heard him masturbating, which is what led me to discuss it with him. To be honest if I hadn’t asked him why he hasn’t touched me in 2 months I would never have known and I would’ve kept on thinking he had feelings for someone else and it would’ve just gone on and on and something would’ve cracked eventually. As a woman it’s very upsetting to hear your partner doing that instead of coming to you because you think they’re obviously not turning to me for relief so they must be getting turned on by someone else.
Sorry for the long post. Just had a lot to get off my mind.
Kim – thank you for this clear share! I know everyone reading it will appreciate it (I sure did).
It sounds like you and your partner are learning a lot about each other. This is quite typical in the first few years. Partners are learning about each other, changing, and realizing a lot about yourselves and the other.
As I read your post, I was glad you shared. I also noticed that your partner is fairly good at sharing what’s going on for him. Have you considered telling him you’re worried he’s not attracted to you? It seems like this conversation could be beneficial.
I do want to add that attraction for both men and women is very much in the head. So, it makes me wonder, what ways can you and your partner create a deeper bond and spice things up that is fun for the both of you? Doing something new, traveling, working out together…you don’t certainly have to dye your hair or get more toned. If those things aren’t really a fit for you, it’ll be hard for that to fully work. No harm in trying, there is something to trying new things and that we all must change in some ways to make our marriage better – but if those changes aren’t something you like or don’t feel good to you – no sense in doing them for a sustained period of time.
Thanks again for sharing. I hope to hear some updates. The first few years of marriages usually bring up these kinds of issues the most and require some deep conversations to help re-shape the marriage so both partners can feel connected.
I am curious, have you two tried counseling/coaching? In situations like this – I find that the sexual attraction being off is due to something else (not just the physical). Since all things are connected, when the couple is struggling to talk, live their dreams, share deeply, or is challenged in some other way – the sex is off.
Some couples have come to saying their sex life was gone, they wanted it back. While their focus was there, the sessions helped us see that the couple had grown apart in some ways, that each partner hadn’t felt alive in life, or had something else that they didn’t connect to sexual attraction (but once they talked about it, shared, and discovered the other issues) they started to feel more alive in every area. Just like when we’re happy all things seem easier, our sex lives can be impacted by our lack of feeling connected, or alive in other areas.
If you would like to talk further, feel free to schedule a free marriage consultation for you and your partner together.
I am going through the same issue. Continually, I pick men with avoidant personalities. My first boyfriend wanted me to be faithful to him, while he screwed everything he wanted. My ex-husband of 20 years wanted me to not bother or touch him and he had a voracious porn addiction. I went back to the first boyfriend and guess what? The only thing that changed about him was his porn addiction now was fueled by making me observe him jacking off. My tears must have made the orgasm better. Jump to today…I’ve been with my current boyfriend 3.5 years. I realized almost 2 weeks ago that I was begging for sex. He’s doing this all while he teases me about having a dildoI am not begging for shit. That’s definitely not a good look, nor one I want. I am tired. I am 48 years old and I am at cross road in my life that only sees me moving forward by myself. I definitely don’t want another relationship after this. I’m not good at handling the new desires and needs of men when I have consistently neglected my own needs for their happiness at my financial and emotional expense. Good luck to all that keep fighting this fight. I believe my best route is an avoidant personality for myself.
I’ve been in 2 years relationship with my partner. At first everything seems right and fun and serious, until one day after a year, i feel like he didnt look at me and initiate sex, then i found out that he had a sexchat with some random girls. He asked to have a video call sex, he also had some of girls picture on his phone. He chatted with someone else like he’s looking for some fresh air. I confront him, because I was in shock. He was shocked as well when he knew i looked up to his phone. He first explained to me that all men has fantasy and it’s just a gateaway. He said i was lucky because he didnt literally cheat, he just did some adrenaline rush. Then he blamed me for looking at his phone without him knowing. I feel stupid, I apologized and I said I’ll try to understand him better. 5 months went well, I was ill and got rush to the hospital. He was so kind, he accompanied me everyday. But then after I got back from hospital, I decided to check his phone again, and I was shocked again with the fact he had the sexchat application again, this he asked some random girls to have sex with no protection (condom). I was really hurt.. i thought i want this relationship to be ended, i want him to regret. But i failed.. this time i tried to talk to him, explained what i feel.. he didnt seem like understand and he just said that we’re completely different, we just have to break up.. i wasnt ready for break up, i begged him for not leaving me.. he said that it’s only for adrenaline and nothing more.. i actually found out his chat with one girl he met when he’s out of town. But it seems like he’s not continuing it. When i confront him, he said he didnt meet her. I dont know if it’s a lie. Everything back to normal now.. we have reguler sex once in a week or once in two weeks. But now things are getting not normal again, he seems a little off. We didnt have sex for 1 month. I know he watches porn and masturbate, At first it bothered me. But now, I dont care anymore as long as he gave me the sex.. but he just turns me down a lot of time.. and i was confuse and sad.. maybe he’s just not really attracted to me anymore. I tried to wear sexy clothes and ofcourse initiate sex but he just still off.. he said he will think about sex later while he jerk off in the bathroom or when i go to work.. i feel hurt i dont know what to do.. should i leave him? But i think we love each other.. i just feel depressed and i cried a lot because i feel unwanted..
You story kinda close to mine in regards of notice something off about him, I checking his phone and browser history too. His phone was clean but his browser history said he been watching porn everyday, even when I step out to take a shower to get ready for a movie night, he did a quick session on internet porn…If he have normal sex with me I admit I wouldnt budge at all. But after COVID lock down started last year, he initiate sex less and less, sometime he didnt wanna kiss me because fear of spreading the virus…I complaint about kiss, then he start to kiss me like normal again. But he still seem to rather watch porn and check out random girls profile on FB than initiate sex with me. We get along fine like a close friend but lack of spark like the first 7 months we dating. I havnt catch him having sex with anyone yet, I hope I dont find it. I kinda trust he won’t do it, but I am so confused and insecured of why he is even with me if he dont find me attractive anymore. We are together for 2yrs like you. I couldnt imagine if he told me or confess he did fuck someone else, I would be really devastated. I feel the same way like you do, feel unattractive, unwanted, no matter what I do its not enough for him, so on..I hate it. I know I have to leave him at one point and the point is he sleep with someone else. I draw the line there.
My husband doesn’t invest in me neither he talks about our future plans nothing at all so I felt like he doesn’t love me anymore I confronted him by asking him if he is no more attached to me and he denied it that he still loves me .we argue all the time .during sex he takes he bath and sleep in the sitting room I just don’t understand him he totally changed .what should I do ,? I lost affection towards him and I want to leave this marriage am tired he is not caring neither loving .