A few times a month, a wife will come up to me and say, “It hurts me that my husband watches porn.”
In sessions, emails, and article comments, wives often ask:
“Why is my husband watching porn?”
“My husband’s porn habits are causing relationship issues.”
“Why isn’t he intimate only with me (and not porn)?”
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My husband watches porn, and I’m not sure what to do
If you’re reading this article, I’m sure you’re wondering the same things, and I’m sure you want to find a solution.
While many men don’t see anything wrong with watching porn, many wives say it hurts them.
In this article, we’ll look at the issue of husbands and pornography from various angles, helping you understand more about yourself and your husband and leading to a more straightforward solution.
If you take issue with your husband watching sex porn, this article will help you discover:
- Why don’t you like that your husband looks at porn?
- Why does he choose to watch pornography?
- What does the research say about pornography and marriage?
- What to do about your husband’s pornography habit?
The mixed emotions a wife experiences due to her husband’s porn use are varied and complex.
If you are hurting, you’re not alone.
By reading this article carefully, you’ll learn much more about this struggle that has plagued couples for many years.
Once you’re done reading, you’ll understand common reasons men watch porn, why it hurts you, and how to tackle this issue healthily.
While you might feel compelled to go straight to a strategy to resolve the problem of your husband’s porn use, please read the entire article.
These insights will best equip you to approach this issue intelligently.
Related Reading: 13 Ways To Fight For Your Marriage
Is it normal to feel hurt when your husband watches porn?
While some couples might enjoy porn in their marriage, what matters most is how you feel.
You might be thinking, “Should I be upset that my husband watches porn?”
If porn is causing relationship problems, don’t let any data or argument overshadow the importance of your own emotions.
Having worked in the nation’s most extensive research program on marital happiness, I’ve found that most wives take issue with porn.
If you are feeling hurt or angry about your husband watching porn, your feelings are normal and valid.
The first step to finding a solution to your husband’s porn use is to know you’re not alone.
Step two is knowing that these feelings deserve to be heard.
“I hate that my husband watches porn”
In my research, I’ve found that around 75% of married women take issue with their man watching porn, and most share that they struggle to validate their emotions.
Women often try to get over these feelings but are unsuccessful.
My husband likes watching porn, and it hurts
In many sessions, I’ve witnessed spouses trying to rationalize their feelings by saying: “If it’s ‘normal’ for men to watch porn, then I should be okay with my husband looking at porn, too.”
Try as they might. This never helps. If you feel hurt, start there–what you feel matters.
To help you navigate your feelings, let me share what I have found and why you may be feeling upset.
Interview With A Porn Addiction Expert
Top reasons a wife takes issue with their man watching porn
- He engages less intimately
- He treats sex less passionately
- It feels like he’s cheating
- He wants to try uncomfortable things
- It seems like he hates you, so he avoids intimacy
- The women in pornographic images or videos don’t look like you, which makes you feel insecure about your appearance and lowers your self-esteem
- His sexual stamina has decreased
- It makes you feel inadequate in the marriage
- It gives him unrealistic expectations of how women act during sex
- He has premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction
- He’s started to talk about desiring other women
- It feels like he’s keeping a secret or continuously lying about his porn habit
- His engagement in this other world you’re not a part of gives you anxiety
- He watches porn instead of having sex with you
- The porn industry objectifies women, mistreats them, and makes you feel bad
- His choices leave you feeling emotionally neglected
- His porn use makes you feel worthless or less desired
You may have other reasons for taking issue with your husband’s porn use, but these tend to be the most common.
My husband is watching porn, and I feel he’s not attracted to me
Perhaps you feel like your husband prefers watching pornography over having sex with you.
There may be some signs that he’s not attracted to you.
You may be questioning how to ignite attraction and passion again.
Whatever the case, you no longer have to feel less attractive because of your husband’s porn use.
Ignite more intimacy, attraction, and passion in your relationship with the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
My husband watches porn, and I feel betrayed
Many women view their husband’s porn use as a betrayal.
After you find out about your husband’s porn use, it’s common to experience humiliation, anger, or shame.
These are serious negative effects that are detrimental to any healthy marriage.
If your husband’s porn use makes you feel betrayed, don’t take it lightly. There is a problem when you don’t feel safe enough in your relationship.
Specific steps need to be taken to heal.
Before we go into resolution strategies, let’s dig into this issue a little more.
Once there’s more understanding, it will be easier to find a resolution.
Why does your husband watch porn?
You’re likely wondering, ‘Why does my husband watch porn?’
To better help you navigate your relationship, it may help you know why married and unmarried men watch porn.
While you may see it as a problem and something hurtful, many married men see it as something else entirely, and a big part of the solution is for you and your partner to understand each other better.
The top reasons a husband watches porn
- Relaxation (here’s some scientific data on that)
- Exploring fantasies he may feel shame about
- It’s a world where he can safely explore sexual curiosities (even if he doesn’t want to act on them in real life)
- Sexual pleasure without rejection
- His partner has a low sex drive
- There is a lack of desire and passion in the marriage
- He feels unfulfilled in his sex life
- Fantasizing to get off easier
- Having ‘sex and fantasies’ without cheating
- Falling asleep easier at night
- He is struggling with porn addiction
I often hear men saying that they don’t see anything wrong with watching porn.
However, women often find it very hurtful.
This discord can create a lot of issues.
When working with couples, I’ve found that most people report watching porn for various reasons but never cheat in their committed relationships.
When a man watches porn, he isn’t doing it to ‘cheat’ or make you feel insecure–he does it to fantasize, get off, or release stress.
So, though it may not be the healthiest choice, it’s also good to know he’s not trying to hurt you.
By taking some of the personalization out of porn, you can better tackle the issue–your husband’s porn use isn’t about you; it’s about him–and the better equipped you will be when talking with him.
The more open you can be, the more you can approach this conversation with a cool head.
How many women watch porn?
While porn use is more common among males, it is not exclusive to men.
Research reveals that many women watch porn regularly as well, for a variety of reasons.
A study by the University of Denver found that 45% of women watched porn with their partners, and 30% watched it alone.
What to do if your husband watches porn
Now that we’ve looked at why husbands watch porn and it hurts you, it’s time to discuss what to do when you catch your husband watching porn
As you may have guessed, one of the first steps is to talk to him.
Maybe you’ve tried this, and it didn’t go well. My hope is now you can approach the conversation anew with fresh insight.
While you may have previously taken his porn-watching personally, you might now see it from his point of view.
Related Reading: My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy
Communicate with your husband porn upsets you
- Start the conversation gently by asking permission to talk about his porn use.
- Be compassionate and open to hearing him without judgment.
- Please don’t make it about you, but be curious and ask open-ended questions.
The first step is the most crucial.
By simply asking for permission to discuss this loaded topic, he is more likely to open up.
Starting a conversation with compassion and openness helps a resolution come more easily.
Research from the Gottman Institute found that the first three minutes of a challenging discussion are more critical than the resolution.
How you start conversations is critical in a healthy marriage.
When you begin gently and with permission, you are more likely to resolve the conflict and reach a favorable outcome.
Whether you’re discussing pornography and sex, finances, or family issues, how we start the conversation is critical for a good outcome.
Additionally, bringing up topics calmly and respectfully deepens emotional intimacy and builds trust.
In the first three minutes of a difficult conversation:
- Ask questions about him
- Don’t blame; instead, be curious
- Be compassionate
- Let your partner share and be empathetic
Once your partner grants permission to talk about the topic, it’s time to use some other skills to maintain a smooth dialogue.
Use compassion & curiosity
As much as you want him to stop looking at porn, you won’t reach a healthy outcome without listening to each other.
First, you need to understand your partner.
If he can see that you are approaching the conversation without judgment, he will listen to you.
Pornography and sex are sensitive topics and require an open mind.
When you ask questions, don’t place blame or try to make a point.
If you blame your husband, he is more likely to feel attacked and become defensive.
Instead, ask questions to learn more, and as you listen, offer empathy and try to understand things from your partner’s perspective.
It could be that your spouse has fantasies that trigger feelings of shame.
Or maybe he uses porn to help alleviate stress–an opportunity for you to check in and ask what’s bothering him.
By approaching him with questions and an open mind, you are more likely to discover something new.
Like new love is built on two people being open and curious, “mending fences” requires the same thing.
When you are interested, empathetic, and without judgment, you can learn new things about each other.
What do you do if your husband doesn’t know how to quit watching porn?
If your husband has expressed a desire to stop watching porn yet hasn’t been able to quit, he may be experiencing porn addiction.
Your husband’s relationship with porn may be unhealthy if:
- His porn use interferes with his ability to carry out responsibilities in day-to-day life
- He engages in risky behavior (such as viewing porn at work)
- He feels shame after watching porn yet is unable to stop
- Porn has become an unhealthy escape from real-world struggles and mental health concerns
- He continues to look at porn despite the negative effects it has on his relationships and life
If you believe your husband may be struggling with porn addiction, encourage him to seek professional support.
A counselor will help him uncover the underlying factors contributing to his porn use.
Additionally, they may suggest strategies to reduce or eliminate the behavior, like asking a friend to be an accountability partner.
While breaking out of this compulsive pattern can be challenging, it is possible.
Seek out couples coaching/counseling together
Quite often, porn is a symptom of a bigger problem.
Maybe your husband’s porn use has been an ongoing issue affecting your relationship for all these years.
Many men report watching porn to help alleviate stress, avoid rejection from their spouse, and entertain secret fantasies.
Whatever the issue, finding a healthy resolution matters most.
Understanding can help, but if both people can’t find a way to make each other feel safe, it is one of the biggest signs of impending divorce.
If talking about the issue doesn’t do the trick, couples should seek support from a third party.
When you tackle this topic with professional help, you are more likely to unravel its complexities.
As fractured as your marriage may feel, know there is hope.
With expert support, you can find a path forward and get your relationship back on track.
If you would like my support in helping resolve marital issues around pornography use, feel free to sign up for a complimentary couples consultation.
For more support and guidance with talking about intimacy, check out the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
Why my husband loves porn?
There are various reasons men watch porn, such as exploring sexual fantasies and desires that are unexpressed in their real life, stress relief, and experiencing sexual pleasure without rejection. Other men watch porn because their partner has a low sex drive, and they are sexually unfulfilled in their relationships.
What to do if your husband is watching porn?
First, reflect on your thoughts and feelings about your husband’s porn use and why it upsets you. Then, express how you feel without blame or judgment. Listen as he shares and seek to better understand your husband’s motivations for watching porn.
Why does my husband like porn?
Some men watch porn because it is less vulnerable than being in the same room with a real person. He can avoid the anxiety that comes with intimacy, such as the fear of rejection, and that he might fall short of his partner’s needs or expectations.
Is it okay for your husband to watch porn?
Porn is not objectively right or wrong. Whether it’s okay for your husband to look at porn depends on the boundaries and expectations you set around pornography use. If you are uncomfortable with your husband’s porn use and it negatively affects your relationship, communicate how you feel calmly and respectfully.
Are you struggling with your husband watching porn? Leave a comment and share
Hi. I have been awake all night crying and throwing up and crying some more. I am 29 years old. I met my partner when I was 18, he is 9 years older than me. I have always thought he had a low sex drive, not extremely low, maybe 10 times a year we would have sex. It was more frequent in the beginning, as it always is. He is the only man I’ve ever been with, I do not know any differently. He is the only source of my sexual pleasure. I don’t do it on my own, I have never got anything from it.
I was looking for a form I downloaded a couple of weeks back and found all the porn he’d been watching. Always the same kind of niche voyeurism stuff. Now I am not stupid, I’ve always known he watched it. I mean the amount of times I caught my dad watching stuff or dvds or whatever it was, I grew up thinking all men did this. Grew up thinking you have to be like those girls to get and keep their attention. So I have always been open to stuff in the bedroom and never a prude. My sex drive is pretty high, compared to his anyway. I would welcome sex everyday, but he made it clear from the outset that bringing up sex outright turns him off. So I initiate in all the other ways I can think of that wont end in me being deadly embarrassed. Most of the time he’s like a dead man, I am pleasuring him and there’s nothing from him until he’s finished. Then he rolls over and goes to sleep and I usually lay down and cry then and he never seems to be aware of me hurting.
However, especially recently, I have just wanted his attention, for him to be near me, to come to bed at the same time with me. I dont need him or even necessarily want him to have sex with me everyday. But when I’m feeling abandoned, desperately sad, lonely and unwanted and come to see that his low sex drive is actually only so because he watches porn daily. He watches it when I have fell asleep in bed in the same room as him waiting for him to come to bed.
I read this entire article and was proud when I read that how I approached this conversation with him about it is how you would recommend. I only asked questions. He said he was embarrassed. When I told him that it hurts me, because I am wanting that connection with him, he blew up called me pathetic, ridiculous, told me “what you think taking your clothes off is enough” and that gutted me, because I’ve been doing so much more than that to make him want me. In response, I mentioned about him not liking sex being brought up outright, as in asking for us to have sex, and he told me “oh because i’ve trained you like a dog”. He was being hurtful because he was embarrassed. I understand that, I didn’t need any article to tell me that.
What all these articles fail to address is the actual victim in the situation and advice to us, with our hearts bleeding out, is to be compassionate and understanding. When that is what the men are lacking in the first place which is the sole cause of the problem, so many of us are experiencing.
I couldn’t care less that he watches it or even what kind he watches, I wish I didn’t know. When its placed above and before me and us, is the problem that is never adequately addressed.
I am so sorry to hear you’ve had this painful experience. I wish the articles about how to approach your wife after she’s been hurt by porn were read by men more, but sadly, our data shows men are not looking up that information. After your reading your comment, it’s clear that you and your husband will require hands-on support. It seems like you are really trying to hear him, to not make him feel ashamed, and to even try to figure out how you can satisfy some of his fantasies but he’s either ashamed, shut down, or explosive on the topic around sex, intimacy, and what you need intimately/emotionally. If we could, we’d send him an article or your comment along with the other comments here from other women who feel as you do – hurt and wishing their partner would stop being so complacent, defensive, or shutdown. In sessions this is something we are better to address. Your husband sounds like he’s very stubborn on this topic and not willing to give what you are giving – an open mind, empathy, curiosity, and an open mind to explore ways to help you two get your needs met. At the surface here is porn, but deep down this is about how you two connect, talk, and create healthy agreements. Porn is an issue of course, I just don’t want to point to the root issues, problems that really are best addressed with couple’s coaching/counseling. Do you have someone you and him could speak with? If he’s open to it, we are here to support you, or if you have someone else, we strongly encourage you and him to get hands-on support. I worry if you don’t no article will help him hear you, or support you in the process of creating better healthier dialogue.
Rebecca – by the sounds of things you did a fantastic job approaching the topic. And you expressed a really valid and serious concern. You don’t feel like a priority, you are sad his attention is elsewhere so often (porn, work, tv…). Your request is a valid one too. To ask your partner to make more time for you and him together. It’s a great request and his response shows a strong need for you two to get extra support. If you do everything right when approaching subjects and you still get defensiveness, criticism, and told you’re pathetic…there’s nothing good that come of the conversations. I am deeply sorry that is how he reacted and I do hope you two get extra support from someone that can help unwind the knot, support him (and you) to have better healthier discussions and give him healthy input on ways to better express his upset, shame, and the defensiveness he feels. I do not want to defend him in any way, I just want to suggest that the best outcome will be for you two to have a mediator/coach/therapist to help guide your conversation. I am sure after these kinds of discussions you have felt yourself close off more, be less interested in working on the marriage, and he’s likely kept to himself in ways too. This type of freezing and shutdown or exploding isn’t your fault. It’s a complicated issue to unwind that can’t be addressed through articles or videos, especially if he isn’t doing the work to read/watch/learn about his side of things. Our best advice is to do couples work. In our Communication Program we go directly into these toxic patterns, learning new ones, and helping both partners see where they have blinders/reactions and tendencies that make issues worse. I really appreciate your share here and you showed an open mind and lots of empathy towards him and yet got a bad outcome. My guess is these patterns pervade your marriage in other spaces (typically they show up when it comes to money, sex, kids, in-laws, house chores, creating time together, expressing emotions…and therefore one bad pattern permeates many issues). That in turn makes both partners on high alert, more reactive, less open, more shutdown, and less inclined to tackle problems they need to work on together. This won’t get better, not typically, not without hands-on support. My heart goes out to you, you sound like a great partner and the fact you’re reading and trying to figure out what to do already makes you a rare partner who really does want to work on things (and that makes you a special spouse). It’s rare we’ll find someone who wants to work on themselves and to figure out ways to meet us halfway in the problem that are occurring, you seem to be doing that. I am curious, have you asked him to join couples coaching with you? We are one of many, and while biased, we are great at what we do. That being said, there are many great supports out there and that’s my main interest. That you have someone support both of you. These feelings of loneliness, being put down, and the other toxic patterns you’ve cited are really saddening and not uncommon which means as trained professionals we know how to support couples out of the darkness and back to health. You’re not alone, you’re not the first couple to be so stuck, and if you two can act together with support to undo the current cycle you’re stuck in — you can have a great marriage again. Thank you for sharing and please feel free to reach out to us for any further support.
Me and my husband are recently having marital issues. We both cheated on each other. I kissed a girl in front of him as a joke and he during our entire relationship was sexting and sending nudes to this other girl. He expects me to let go but it’s hard recently I found out that he’s watching porn. As hard as I can say, the other girl was found on the porn site, and am afraid he’s going to repeat the same mistake. I tried to talk to him yesterday if he ever feels he regrets marrying me, and he said “doesn’t mean I feel like regretting marrying you, I would ever leave you. I always do you right. Buy you everything, carry you on my back for 4 months while you had a twisted ankle, and sacrifice trips and vacations just to be with you.” How in the right mind does that make sense? He’s still cheating if he continues to involve himself in porn, what should I do?
This is the definition of gaslighting.
My husband watches porn too and he says he doesn’t know why he does it which pisses me off cause you know you just don’t want to say an then he said he guess cause they look good. I feel like that is so disrespectful an I get so upset an when he wants to have sex with me I don’t even want to have sex with him because I’m still upset about knowing he jacks off to these women an when I want i have wanted to have sex with him he is too tired because he done gave all his engery away to releasing to a women who doesn’t even care about him. I feel like its cheating especially when you don’t have the energy to have sex with your wife
I am in same situation and I agree with you.
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Thank you for your insightful and compassionate article. I am new to this issue. I’ve been with my husband almost forty years. He’s never once given me any reason to doubt him or be concerned about his fidelity. Ever. Five years ago he went through prostate cancer surgery and treatment. Two years ago, we moved from our home of thirty two years to a place that has required an arduous renovation, in an area that lacks competent remodeling help. Six months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. We’ve always had an exciting and fulfilling sex life. But as the years go on, responsibilities, demands from children and aging parents have taken their toll. Our sex life began to wane, and due to the health challenges we had, I assumed it was a part of the aging process. I recently discovered he was watching porn after I’d gone to bed for the last eleven months. My bad due to the intense work I’d been doing and not watching the Dish bill going up. When I asked him about the two porn movies on our recent bill, he hedged, and said that he was “half asleep” and didn’t realize he’d had those on. Except that, as I went into the bill history, he’d been “half asleep” watching many films over many months. He was clearly embarrassed that he’d been found out, but I was humiliated, I chose a few of his pics to review and couldn’t understand how anyone could find this repetitive sex exciting. This was a wake up call for me. I really don’t give a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut what his reasons or justifications are, I know, that, EVEN at my age, I am strong, powerful, sexual, attractive. I am seeing a great therapist and if my husband would like to join me great, if not, I’m not giving my self worth up to a man who views looking at giant penises ramming into someone else’s vagina.
You clearly stated that you and your husband have not been sexually active for quite sometime. This doesn’t surprise why he’s watching porn he’s not getting anything from you. I know it sucks with the responsibilities that life throws our way but you still need to find time for each other, just because your married and aging doesn’t mean ok I can let my self go ( meaning: not take care of yourself ) and he’ll love me no matter what pay attention to him and talk to him in a RESPECTFUL way and ask why he’s doing this and see if you both can light that spark again. Have some fun come on that’s YOUR Husband your still the apple of his eye try what I’m saying and see what happens.
after finding out that my husband watches porn i don’t feel like i’m enough. i used to walk around the house naked and now i feel insecure doing that. because i know these women he’s seeing in porn don’t look like me. they’re thin perfectly toned women and i’m really not. i’m not super over weight per say but i have definitely let myself go. and so has he. i thought he still found me attractive but now i’m not so sure. i’ve even gone as far as looking into boob jobs and butt implants to make me more attractive to him. im really struggling to feel like i’m good enough. i’ve been dieting for a while now hoping that if i get fit again like i was when we met then he will be satisfied with just me. any advice would be really appreciated. i don’t know what to do at this point. thanks
Don’t waste your time getting fit for him they could give two shits. I lost 100 pounds got really toned looked awesome even had other men checking me out. It won’t change porn has taken over my marriage. So what I do now I spend his money like a drunken sailor.He took my sex life away and I’m slowly draining his savings over it.
I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN,I THINK MY MARRIAGE IS ENDING BECAUSE OF PORN
I am in the same boat. The pain is beyond anything I could possibly imagine.
My husband is 70 and watches porn online. He doesn’t see anything wrong with it (in many discussions we had long ago.) I don’t think porn is a healthy activity and in some respects unethical. I’m also wondering if he has an addiction to it because he is a type A personality and tend to have an addictive personality. I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m concerned about his mental health from watching it and how addicting it can be, and how it may be affecting me and our marriage. I guess it’s hard to separate the two.
I am annoyed that my husband continues to watch after all these years of being together. We are going on 10 years now and 4 years marriage. It’s become a habit and then he tells me he doesn’t think about sex like that. I have always tried to be intimate with him but he would push me away. Now that we had our first baby he wants to be intimate and I am disgusted to even have sex with him knowing I am going to be treated like an object and not his wife from all the porn he keeps watching. I have tried talking to him about my concerns but he doesn’t listen to me. And what makes it worse is he is a Professional Marriage and Family Therapist but whenever we try to work on us or have a civil conversation about concerns we have my voice is never heard. I am completely turned off from him knowing that he continues to watch porn. I have no desire to have sex with him because I don’t feel it genuine at all. He searches of porn have broadened even more now and it makes me upset because I am nothing like those fake fantasies. And I feel it takes him out of reality because when we have tried to have sex its not fun for me anymore I feel like he is in his own world and not present. I just want to get to a good place with him but I have lost all attraction and arousal with this whole porn b.s. it’s turns me off and I don’t look at him the same. I find ways to avoid having sex now which sucks. I have no sex drive for the past 2 years now.
I see it as cheating cause he’s not into you he’s all about other women.
I asked my husband to please stop watching porn n hiding it from me or atleast ask me to watch it with him but he won’t n he would rather just do it n hide it why is he doing that n wat should I do please help
The reasons for why men watch porn are not too complicated, but creating an open and honest discussion as a couple are another story. Your partner could feel ashamed, he could do it because he’s addicted, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Typically, this particular issue requires having a third party to help you sort it. Someone who works with couples and can spot the communication breakdowns, ask insightful and prodding questions, and offer guidance. Friends, family, forums, and other people can help…but what is really needed is support from an expert. As much as I want to offer more here in the comments, I know that the more straightforward and supportive reply I can give is to get help from a professional (me or someone else). Porn, as much as we want it to be an easy thing to resolve, it typically isn’t because it’s laden with many variables.
I can not believe that we are so many hurt by our husbands watching porn and the answer is always the same “he will not quit ” How they can say they love someone and ignore the pain they are causing, just to be selfish and pleasured themselves watching other women. How it is not emotional cheating to imagine you are ok. some other women. How that can be more important than a relationship. I can not understand. I am talking a very sexual.active life and still the need to go fk other women and we have to accept that or they will feel control and suffocated and leave??? I am so angry. I discovered he was watching porn for years 3 times a week and when I expressed my feeling and almost broke up, he still trying desperately for me to agree that he will watch porn sometime. This should not be like this. Men are justify by the stupid version of “they needed” it is better than him cheating. Are you serious? This need to change. We women have our needs to. To feel desired, loved, wanted, etc and not because of that we go out flirting with men to fulfill our natural needs. Bull. We need to educate our young men to evolve. Men had been stocked in cave time forever, because it is very convenient for them and WE WOMEN JUSTIFY THEM. No acceptable. I am trying to save my relationship but I am not sure it will work
Not only does my partner watch he is also one gay site but keeps telling me he is normal,he is not gay or bi so why would he be on these
It’s definitely time to move on , Start making your plans to get tf out !!! There’s someone out there for you that will hit your g spot , and have your eyes rolling back , Don’t let this man determine your happiness.. don’t walk run , pack the bag , book the flight,call the ex with the big d and live it up !!!
I think your article is complete bull shit when you were talking from the man’s perspective. Those are all just clear and blatant excuses to justify a detrimental act that ultimately ruins many marriages and relationships. I’m not sure where your data comes from However I do relate to your comments about the woman’s perspective.
I understand what you mean. There is a lot that could go into this, and while I tried to be balanced without blame — I do know porn hurts many relationships and women should have more of a voice on the topic. If you’d like, you are welcome to email me about what else I should include. I do my best to be balanced here. There are couples who are ok with porn, in fact one of the guests for my podcast (Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen Lakelly Hunt shared with me that they like to watch ‘sexy films’). This doesn’t excuse that much of the porn industry is abusive and can create addiction, on the other hand I have guests who have come on my podcast (Tristan Taormino, an expert on sex therapy and accomplished author who directs Gonzo porn which is female lead and handled very differently than most porn online). While I know your sentiments fairly well (from my 14 1/2 years working with couples), I also know that there is a place where porn isn’t bad…but that is not for everyone. For many couples, pornography hurts their marriage and maybe I can somehow make that more clear here while also helping voice the pain of women who have been hurt by it in a better and more clear way. If I can do that, I am happy to hear your suggestions. I don’t want to offend anyone, and I do try to walk that fine line of educating and sharing while also covering the varying perspectives on a topic that definitely has a lot of pain but also has couples who enjoy it and couples who once fought over it who come to find a middle ground. If my post hurt you, or you think I can improve it, please feel free to write me about it. i am open to learning and improving and I am sure you are right — as a male author, I can lean towards the male perspective (no matter how hard I try, I know that there is a part of me always needs to work on seeing things from other perspectives and I’d be very happy to hear from you constructive input on how this article could better do that).
I need help. My husband and I have been going to marriage counseling. He betrayed me in a few ways that I still can’t get over very well. First, he was making secret messages with an ex girlfriend he claimed was instigating the majority of communication. But his last message I discovered on FB messenger- he asked her to go for a ride with him at night while me and the kids were home. I had also lost my best friend the night before, she passed away. He was swept up in a flirtatious conversation all day while he was at work, I also saw in the text. I can not imagine how someone I’ve been married to for 16 years could be so cold and deceitful. He said he won’t talk to her anymore and doesn’t care about her.
Secondly, I saw his Facebook history. He had been watching the same three women we both know over and over again for years. It was so creepy for me to find that pattern in his search history. He also was in several celebrity and soft porn womens fan clubs on Facebook . I can’t get the images of all these actual women he was attracted to out of my head. It is a burden.
Last, he has been using porn. This ultimately has been the hardest for me to recover from. He knows how much it hurts me, he didn’t stop when we had issues before with it
In fact, after I learned about the above issues, we started marriage counseling. Here I addressed all the areas of betrayal and hurt. We seemed to have a ‘renaissance’ sort of week following our first session. I felt more heard and understood by him. I appreciated his remorse and sentiments. We made love every night. At the end of the week, he didn’t come to bed with me. I asked him to please join me when he was ready. I found him later that night asleep with his phone in his hand, flooded with pages of porn. The fact that he still chose to do this still crushes me. He swears he will never do it again.
But I am overwhelmed with all of his quests to see other women. I feel a pressure to continue to ‘reform’ myself, add more excitement, more beauty to myself so that he will never want to entertain himself in the ways he has. I told him to please release me from our marriage if he can not stop.
I’m consumed by my pain still.
Do you have advice?
How does a woman get past the feeling that she will be compared to the porn site pictures in order to feel like she wants her husband to see her naked again or even be intimate with him without feeling like she’s expected to perform like the porn he’s been watching????
Why do all these articles state how we, the wives, should approach this compassionately? Try to understand why your husband watches porn??? Ask him for permission to speak with him about it?!?!
What about understanding how greatly this hurts? I have read articles that say, pray for him, be open minded, try to see it from his perspective. My perspective is that I’m hurt, I’m angry, and I feel inadequate. I know porn is a fantasy and most of what you see is staged or faked, but it doesn’t make it hurt less or make any of us feel better about ourselves. Where are the articles on how to stop this hurt? How to rebuild your self esteem in the bedroom? I was uninhibited and felt sexy in bed, so now what? I shouldn’t make it about me, according to these articles, even though I’m the one who had that confidence blasted out of the bedroom? I am sorry, It’s just not right!
I can fully understand your pain. It makes sense, and I do think articles can do a better job at addressing your pain. My main goal here is to give some insight into the issue, what you might do…but I think it can include more about how you’re hurting and offer advice to talk to him or to seek a professional to speak with so that he gets how much this is hurting you. I am sorry you’re in pain and I do believe porn use can be deleterious to a marriage, especially when the couple is not in agreement about it (which clearly you are not ok with him using porn and he and you should be able to address this otherwise it seems you’ll be the one who unfairly keeps hurting).
I can fully understand your pain. It makes sense, and I do think articles can do a better job at addressing your pain while offering advice. While I’ve given advice to talk to him, I do believe there is more that can be done, but I also know that it begins with you two having an open and healthy discussion. If you two can’t talk about this, you will continue to hurt. I do agree and think the article can include more about how you’re hurting and offer advice to talk to him. In just 1200 words or so, we did our best to give insight into why men watch porn and offer insight into understanding him and then helping you to approach the topic. I know you’re in pain about it and the healing will only be gotten if you two can talk…otherwise he will watch porn, you’ll hurt and you two will suffer the consequences of a couple who can’t talk about things. I am sorry you’re in pain and have had your sexual confidence and self-esteem hurt. I don’t offer advice on how to get that back because it won’t fix anything for you to do things alone and not talk to him and for you two to somehow come together…even if let’s say you did things that made you feel sexier, I have yet to find a spouse who completely lets go of the ill affects brought about a porn-watching spouse. You two will need to address this issue and find an understanding and common grounds. There is no advice to really give you that goes deeper than – talk to him about it. If you two struggle to do that well then the next suggestion is to hire someone to help you. I do believe porn use can be deleterious to a marriage, especially when the couple is not in agreement about it (which clearly you are not ok with him using porn and he and you should be able to address this otherwise it seems you’ll be the one who unfairly keeps hurting). I know couples where porn isn’t an issue, but when it is, the only and most powerful advice is to talk to him. You’re hurting, feeling less confident, and angry about it – he needs to know this. Your sex life is being impacted, which usually means so is your intimacy outside of the bedroom. You both need to understand each other better. The article is for women, so I did focus on helping women understand their spouse, but it doesn’t end there and you’ll see throughout the article i say – talk to him. Share with him how you feel and open a dialogue. Men and women alike don’t do well if they don’t feel understood, so you both need to be able to discuss and feel heard. If you and him don’t get that, no healthy resolution come out of this issue and it will continue. I have worked with couples on this issue of porn in marriages. Every single the healthy outcomes are birthed from how the couple talks about the issue.
Have you talked to him? What does he say and do? If he’s reactive or upset when you talk, then I assure you that the mechanics of this dialogue are the root and typically signals that porn use alone isn’t the problem. How long has this problem been around? There are a lot of questions I have for you and for him…each one very useful in being able to identify solutions and ways to help you both come together, be more connected, and for you both to have that sexiness and playfulness you likely desire to have with him.
I completely agree! I love the idea of having articles on “how to rebuild your self-esteem in the bedroom”. LOVE IT!! Mrs. Congdon that’ll be a great project for you! 😉
Absolutely. I’ve just caught mine fallen asleep with the bloody page still open. He’s 70 next week and I’m gutted. Second marriage. Feel like leaving after he already knows I hate that. He has just said”I thought you knew me by now”…. I’m heading for the door.
Thank you Julie!! That’s what I found as well!! Where are the articles focused on the collateral damage? MORE IMPORTANTLY THE WIVES!!??? 7 years we’ve been going circles.Its s hurt that need help,Recogition,Recognition, your Hurt,angry ,embarrassed you don’t want too hear how too understand him.When you choose something that hurts a spouse knowing the hurt it causes and your porn interest always wins.Thiers problem.Please hear us,it’s so painful for us..
Men do it so they don’t “cheat”… bullcrap. It IS CHEATING. Watching porn and lusting after other women who is not your wife IS cheating….
Looking at other women naked IS cheating. I cannot compare to these young women who haven’t had children. I hate him. I hate this marriage, I wish I never met this man. He is disgusting and he ruined our marriage.
I am sorry you’re suffering that pain. I get why you say it’s cheating. This article isn’t about ethics, it’s what research and my 15 years of working with couples says. If you feel it’s cheating, as far as you two in your marriage are concerned — it’s cheating. That definitely stings, hurts, and makes you feel terrible. I am so sorry you’re in such a bad place.