It’s not uncommon that I’ll hear an upset wife say, “My husband wants sex but not intimacy.”
While the wife shares, she feels frustrated and wants her husband to change.
This article will outline what you can do to have more intimacy, why men seem to focus on sex so much, and what wives can do to meet their intimacy needs.
Table of Contents
How do you know if your husband wants sex but not intimacy?
Let’s look at common signs that your husband is more interested in sex than cultivating an intimate connection.
You feel like, “All my husband wants is sex”
It seems your husband wants sex yet is completely uninterested in developing other aspects of your relationship.
When you started dating, you talked about everything and were excited to spend time together.
You want to get back to that level of closeness.
However, you feel your husband is not interested in anything other than sex.
If your husband thinks sex fixes everything, he may be less open to discussing feelings and talking through issues.
You think, “My husband talks about sex all the time”
If your husband constantly brings up sex, and it feels like that’s all he wants, it could be a sign that he’s only interested in sex, not intimacy.
Even if you try changing the topic, it quickly comes back to sex.
You notice, “My husband expects sex every day”
If your husband wants sex everyday and places this expectation on you, feeling used or angry is normal.
When it feels like an obligation, it’s understandable to not enjoy sex anymore.
He may try to justify his expectations by saying he has a high sex drive or that you should fulfill his needs for sexual frequency as his wife.
When your husband’s needs are prioritized in the relationship, it can make you feel worthless.
You realize, “My husband is only nice when he wants sex,” or “My husband uses me for sex”
Treating you kindly to get sex is manipulative behavior.
Additionally, you may recognize, “My husband is nicer after sex” or “My husband treats me horribly but still expects sex”
Patterns of manipulation and control signal emotional abuse.
If these toxic patterns are present in your own marriage, seeking professional support is crucial.
You think, ‘My husband is too sexually demanding”
If your husband demands sex or pressures you into sexual activity you are uncomfortable with, that is unacceptable behavior.
Not taking your ‘no’ for an answer is sexual abuse.
If you are experiencing marital rape or abusive behavior, seek support from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
You ask yourself, “Why does my husband only touch me sexually?”
It can be deeply hurtful to feel like the only time your husband shows physical affection is in the bedroom.
This behavior can be especially painful if you are a person with physical touch as your love language.
You feel loved when your spouse gives you a loving touch on the shoulder, hugs you, or holds your hand.
However, physical affection is non-existent outside of sex.
“My husband only touches me when he wants sex”
As a wife, you’re likely tired of your husband showing physical affection only because he wanted sex.
You wish your husband wanted to give you affectionate touch without an ulterior motive.
“My husband doesn’t kiss me when we make love”
When you have sex, your husband is not truly present.
You get the feeling he cares more about his own sexual satisfaction than viewing sex as an opportunity to connect and express love for you.
“My husband doesn’t do foreplay anymore”
You used to feel more satisfied in your sex life, and now it feels like your husband has become more self-centered in the bedroom.
If your husband does absolutely nothing to prepare you for sex, he is likely more focused on releasing his sexual frustration than igniting your desire and meeting your needs.
You want your husband to care about other aspects of your relationship, not just sex
As a wife, you likely want your husband to care about:
- An emotional connection
- Romantic gestures
- Gentle touch
- Intimate touch, play, and fun
- Kissing
- Hugging
- Foreplay
- A connection that isn’t just about sex (goes beyond the physical)
- Trust that your spouse isn’t just doing something for sex
Perhaps your husband is cold and unaffectionate, which doesn’t make you feel connected and available for sex.
You may be thinking, ‘My husband wants sex every day, but I don’t feel close.’
If your husband wants sex daily, you may feel that he cares more about his sexual needs than truly knowing you and connecting with you.
As a result, you may feel deeply hurt or emotionally neglected.
Your husband makes you feel worthless or insignificant.
You may think, ‘All my best friends have strong connections with their partners, and I want that.’
Sadly many men don’t understand the difference between sexual intimacy and other essential types of intimacy.
So, first, we’ll explain why some husbands seem to want sex and the difference between being sex-focused and affectionate.
Once you’re done reading this article, you’ll have an action plan for
- How to safely tell your husband you want intimacy and not just sex.
- Explaining how the importance of sex to a woman is closely tied to intimacy.
- Showing him how to give you intimacy so you’re more turned on.
- Discussing emotional and sexual expectations.
- Share the different kinds of intimacy, so he’ll give you that intimate touch, hugs, conversation, and kisses so you’re more relaxed and open.
Related Article: I Have No Sex Drive And It’s Ruining My Relationship
My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy Solution #1 – Ask For Intimacy
When I’ve talked to disgruntled wives with husbands who don’t give them enough intimacy, many have already tried to talk to their husbands about the issue.
If you’re thinking, “My husband wants sex but not intimacy”, you may feel you have only two choices.
1. Give in to his advances and have unfulfilling sex
2. Ignore his sexual interest and upset him or create frustration in the marriage. Tactics to ignore his advances include: pulling away from your husband’s touch, faking being asleep, saying you’re too tired and rolling over, staying busy at night, or repeatedly lying you’re not feeling well to avoid a sexual encounter.
While sticking with the status quo may seem easier, it won’t give you the deep connection and good sex life you crave.
This is why it’s important to consider another option for your intimacy issues.
The other choice is to explain to your husband the difference between sex and intimacy and ask for what you need in a calm and loving way. An excellent way to talk to your husband about your feelings requires tact, and if you’ve already tried it without luck, then you know this talk can be hard to have.
An excellent formula for conversations with husbands about intimacy can work like this:
When you sit down and talk to your husband about intimacy, use these few points to guide your conversation.
1. Tell him that you’re interested in more sex. It would help if you also had more intimacy. to fuel your desire for your husband.
2. Ask him if you can tell him what you’d like. You have some simple suggestions to increase your sexual desire and enhance your own pleasure.
3. Start sharing with him the different ways that help you feel emotional closeness and connection.
Many men who feel that their wife is talking to them with kindness and love and that it is not about their performance will be receptive to this conversation.
Most women miss the mark when they say, “You only want sex. I want more intimacy.” And for most men, this feels like an attack, and it’s also unclear. So, your husband becomes defensive, and the conversation results in an argument, coldness– and the same problem persists.
To resolve this issue, it’s best to approach the topic with kindness and from the stance of:
“I’d like to share some things I need so I’m more turned on. I want to share what intimacy is to me to be more open. That way, we can both have mutually gratifying sex.”
For example, maybe you feel like your husband only wants sex when he initiates, and you’d like it if he was more receptive when you take the lead and initiate sex.
Steps two and three require a good understanding of the different types of intimacy. So, to help you resolve the issue of your husband wanting sex and not intimacy, let’s look at the different kinds of intimacy.
Once you clearly understand the different kinds of intimacy, you’ll be able to give your husband clear instructions on what you need. And because men tend to thrive best with concrete examples, this will help you get that intimacy you crave.
Related Article: 7 Intimate Ideas & Romantic Ideas
Many Men Don’t Know The Difference Between Sex & Intimacy
Maybe you have begun feeling like ‘my husband only cares about sex’ or ‘my husband is too sexually demanding’.
Unfortunately, most men have grown up with hollow ideas of intimacy.
Watching porn, television, and other male friends propagate that sex equals intimacy.
If your husband regularly watches porn, it’s possible he has a skewed idea of intimacy that is negatively affecting your marriage. As a result, you may feel upset or neglected.
But, sadly, men don’t have strong role models for how to be intimate, touch, kiss, hug, and make sure a woman feels the passion that makes for a great sex life and a fantastic, connected marriage.
If your guy wants sex but not intimacy, it could be that he doesn’t know the difference.
It may be hard to believe, but the real truth is most men don’t know what’s sex and what’s intimacy.
It’s impossible you are not thinking about intimacy in the same way.
You want more emotional connection, and your husband thinks intimacy is having sex.
In reality, there is a huge difference between having sex and having emotional closeness.
Share with him the different kinds of intimacy (and what you like). It goes a long way to share the types of intimacy and what you need with your spouse.
For a hands-on guide to deeper intimacy and connection with your partner, pick up the Lasting Love Connection Relationship Workbook.
My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy Solutions #2 – Tell Him About Different Kinds Of Intimacy & What You Like
Perhaps you feel like, ‘My husband doesn’t touch me anymore outside of sex,’ or ‘My husband won’t kiss me or hug me.’
If your husband never initiates affection outside of sex, having a conversation can help you get on the same page.
Sharing with your husband that intimacy is not limited to sexual contact can help him understand other ways to love you.
Once your husband understands the various ways to share his love and what you like, he’ll know better what you need.
Here’s a list of non-sexual intimacy ideas. As you read, take note of what you want to build non-sexual intimacy in your relationship.
To deepen intimacy and connection with your spouse, get the Relationship Workbook.
Physical Intimacy
- Touching
- Hugging
- Kissing
- Cuddling
- Holding
- Embracing
- Massages
- Energetic touch
- And sex
If you feel like ‘my husband only shows physical affection in bed’ or ‘my husband won’t touch me outside of sex’, let him know which of these other types of touch you enjoy.
The more you can help your husband with the types of physical contact you need (outside of sex), the better he can meet these needs.
Emotional Intimacy
- Empathizing
- Listening
- Acknowledging
- Validating feelings
- Eye gazing
- Checking in and asking questions
- Showing interest
For many women, when they say they want intimacy, they mean they want more of an emotional connection. By sharing with your husband the specific actions that help you feel loved, the better he will be able to give you the emotional support you need.
Statements like “I need more intimacy” are difficult for men to understand. Instead of broad statements like that, try asking your husband for intimacy by asking in this way:
“I’d love more intimacy so we feel more connected. Something that helps me feel intimately connected to you is when you ask me how I’m doing and acknowledge my feelings.”
That request is more direct, clear, and straightforward for men to understand.
Related Reading: 15 Strategies for Improving Emotional Intimacy
Intellectual Intimacy
- Deep conversations on complex topics (religion, politics, art, history, math, etc.)
- Being able to dig into subjects that ask for inquiry and dialogue
If you’d like more intimate intellectual intimacy, try letting your guy know that you’d like more profound dialogues on specific topics. You can also try setting up events where you can discuss those topics that help intimately and intellectually stimulate your mind.
Shared Activities
- Going out together
- Attending events
- Going to concerts
- Seeing films
- Watching artsy events
- Shared outings
It’s expected that when wives feel a lack of intimacy, they also feel a lack of enjoyment in shared activities with their husbands.
Taking action together to enhance shared activities can do wonders to improve sex and intimacy.
Now that you know the kinds of intimacy, share with your husband the kinds of intimacy you most enjoy. As you talk to him, be sure to note these instructions carefully:
This step isn’t about telling him he’s doing something wrong but letting him know what you like so he can do it. Tell him what you like, be specific, and if there’s something he does that you like, let him know that you’d like more of it. Just stick to information, no pointing fingers.
What Causes A Lack Of Emotional Intimacy For Men?
Due to the lack of emotional connection, you may start to whether your husband hates you.
You may question if he still loves you or if he could be having an emotional affair.
It may not be that simple.
A lack of intimacy in marriage often comes down to three reasons.
If you’re thinking, “My husband wants sex but not intimacy”, it’s due to one of these reasons (or all three).
Let’s take a look at several of the possible reasons for your husband withholding intimacy:
1. Your husband doesn’t understand the difference between sex and intimacy. When it comes to intimacy, he’s been ill-educated. He may not see intimacy as a big deal or something he needs.
2. The marriage has deeper issues that make him an emotionally unavailable husband, so he’ll have sex but won’t have an intimate connection.
3. He’s intimacy-avoidant because it scares him. Intimacy brings up some fear that goes back to his childhood, a previous partner, or horrible things that have happened in his past, making him afraid to be intimate- even with his life partner.
After working with hundreds of married couples and hundreds of single men, I am confident these are why husbands don’t give their wives intimacy.
Reasons the intimacy may be off in your relationship and how to get it back.
The first cause of an intimacy-avoidant husband is relatively easy to resolve.
As long as he’s willing to listen and you can deliver the message in a way he’s receptive to hearing, fixing the first potential cause is easy. It can be harder to resolve the problem if it’s one of the other two reasons.
When deeper issues are rooted in emotional wounds or a trauma bond in the marriage, it takes more work. If you haven’t had a straightforward conversation, it’s good to start there. It could be that your husband doesn’t know and you haven’t told him. However, if you two have talked and the issue persists, I highly recommend doing something different.
It would help if you did something different when you’ve already talked about it and there’s been no change. That difference can be adding a marriage counselor into the mix. Getting a man to open up about past traumas isn’t always easy, but it will change the dynamics once it happens. As a male counselor, I find it often helps men work with a male counselor.
With online marriage counseling, you can do it all from the comfort of your home. My sessions focus on emotional safety, open dialogue, and transformation.
Ideas To resolve the issue “My husband wants sex but not intimacy”
Increasing intimacy will make sex great.
You already know that, but it needs to be said.
Though it may not appear so, he’ll enjoy sex more if you’re happier and get what you need.
Taking action to change this part of your own life isn’t just good for you. It’ll be good for him too.
Creating a change in this area of your marriage will lead to a fulfilling sex life and a fulfilling marriage overall.
Related Article: Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me
My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy Solutions #3 – Increase Intimacy With Date Nights
If you feel overwhelmed by the idea of date nights and unsure where to start, check out my article on simple and easy dates. Many ideas are super simple, and you can use them without spending a dime. The science of how shared activities improve married life is fascinating. To learn more about that, check out my article, “37+ Creative Date Night Ideas.”
For more date ideas, from at-home activities to unique outings and weekend getaways, check out the Relationship Workbook.
And if you’d like to boost that intimacy, you can try my Intimacy Game. This game is scientifically proven to increase the connection, and it’s shown to improve how you resolve fights (all without talking about the hard stuff).
My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy – More Solutions
- Set time aside for non-sexually focused touch.
- Take a yoga class together, or do something physical outside the home.
- Set time aside to go out on a date (a date can be a short walk, a tea/coffee date, an art show, or anything where you can talk and be together).
- Play the couples game together and deepen the connection.
- Read out loud to each other.
- Set a timer for 2 minutes and have each person talk for the timed amount.
- Go out dancing, or dance at home.
- Take a walk through a new part of your neighborhood.
- Schedule a date night somewhere romantic.
- Schedule a stay-at-home date night where the goal is a connection (not sex).
These are just some ideas. There are many more.
The point here is to help you brainstorm ideas that help you and your husband have more intimate time together, time that isn’t focused on sex.
As busy as life gets, make a point to schedule quality time together and do whatever you can to make it happen.
One more suggestion that I’d like to stress for couples who have had this issue for a while is counseling. If you’ve tried talking about intimacy and sexual problems and haven’t resolved them yet, book a complimentary couple’s consultation. You’re welcome to call me for a free consultation.
What Happens To A Relationship Without Emotional and Sexual Intimacy?
Some wild ideas are flying around that men don’t care about intimacy. Or that they don’t care about their wife’s pleasure. They only want an orgasm.
Sometimes that’s true, but in my experience, it’s never been the case. Even when it seems like that on the surface, I find that men want intimacy. However, sometimes, there’s so much in the way of it that men are scared or don’t know how to make it happen.
The belief that men primarily want sexual relationships and only women care about having an intimate relationship is inaccurate.
Men and women share the same desire for a deep, passionate, fun connection.
Related Article: How To Make My Husband Attracted To Me
Sometimes, there’s so much in the way both men and women get lost and don’t know what to do.
As the renowned sex therapist Dr. David Schnarch put it in, Passionate Marriage:
“It’s not that couples are afraid of intimacy, it’s that there is so little intimacy available to them that the sex is not worth having.”
-Dr. David Schnarch
Related Article: When the Intimacy Stops in a Relationship
There are solutions if you’re struggling with “my husband wants sex but not intimacy.”
Intimacy is essential for a healthy marriage.
A marriage without intimacy eventually sucks up sexual attraction, passion, desire, and closeness.
In my research, I’ve read some wild statistics that many married couples have sex 5-10 times a year or less. Similarly, I’ve read that many Americans are on anti-depressants and unhappy.
Whenever I tell couples those data points, they cringe. No couple wants a sexless marriage. And no woman I’ve ever met wants a marriage without a healthy sex drive, passion, intimacy, and connection.
As you work to deepen intimacy, your marriage will improve. It may take some uncomfortable steps, but it’s worth it. Nobody said getting what you want is always easy, but everyone knows we all value what we work to get.
For more support with talking to your partner about intimacy and enhancing presence and pleasure, join the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
What does sex is not intimacy mean?
Although sex is an important part of a romantic relationship, it is not the only factor. Sexual behavior does not equate to true intimacy. Intimacy involves emotional closeness, vulnerability, trust, and understanding. Building intimacy requires effort, communication, and shared experiences that go beyond the physical aspect of the relationship.
What lack of intimacy does to a woman?
When a relationship lacks intimacy and sexual connection, women may experience emotional distress, low self-esteem, and negative feelings of resentment or frustration. Moreover, women may start feeling disconnected from their partners and dissatisfied with their relationships. A relationship coach will help you navigate challenges around intimacy.
Why doesn’t my husband show me affection?
If you’re wondering ‘how to deal with unromantic husband,’ it’s time to have an open and honest conversation about your feelings. Your husband may not be aware of your desire for affection, or perhaps he is more used to expressing love in other ways. Having an open conversation about what makes you feel loved and connected allows you to meet each other’s needs more effectively.
How do you fix intimacy issues?
Prioritizing spending time together, trying new experiences, asking your partner meaningful questions, engaging in non-sexual touch, and creating shared goals builds emotional intimacy. Additionally, a relationship counselor or coach will assist you in addressing intimacy-related issues.
Jazakallah. It seems like many wives are facing challenges where their husbands prioritize sex over other forms of intimacy. The article provides insightful solutions, emphasizing open communication about the different types of intimacy, setting boundaries, and addressing potential deeper issues in the relationship. It encourages women to express their needs without blaming, fostering understanding between partners for a more connected and fulfilling relationship.
My husband is actually very great at displaying physical intimacy, it’s the lack of emotional & intellectual intimacy that is lacking (which I NEED more than anything). He’s very affectionate & we have plenty of sex (2-3 times a day- most days) and he’s great at it, but I still don’t find it THAT enjoyable without a connection. I feel like I’m just there- doing it just to do it (like I mine as well be having sex with a stranger). In the 13 years we’ve been together I have NEVER ONCE denied him sex, his desires, or the affection he needs, but lately I’m constantly being denied emotional & intellectual intimacy. It’s been like this for the last 5 years.
It wasn’t always like this though. We were best friends before anything. Emotional & intellectual intimacy was always a huge part of our relationship & was never an issue- one of the reasons I fell in love with him.
But that all changed 5 years ago. A little after we both started our own businesses & I almost died from an ectopic pregnancy (both happened within the same month).
So I’m not sure if it’s just stress or repressed emotions that’s keeping him from connecting with me, but I know that I’m tired of having this SAME conversation with him, just for him to say “I’ll work on it” (but doesn’t). I’m not worried about infidelity, as that has never been an issue in our relationship (plus being an INFJ… I would just know. Sounds crazy, I know, but my intuition & discernment has always been on point when it comes to stuff like that).
Needless to say, I’m just so FN lost right now on how to get things back on track.
This article is useless. It once again puts the responsibility squarely on the wife’s shoulders. I am past the point of wanting sex at all. I will be grudgingly OK with living as roommates
I agree with you 100%
We are marriage for years but we didn’t tell like couples but if him want sex he will make me feel okay but am not happy
Agree men need to do their own fkg research, sick of mine thinking touch is opportunity to peg 😤 and getting mad
Out of curiosity, I have a few questions.
1. Have you talked to him about your feelings?
2. What happens when you bring this issue up?
3. Have you looked at using the ‘Gentle Start Up’ to address this problem? If not, here’s a useful resource: https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
**How we bring things up affects conversations and their outcome. The research is clear, the first three minutes of a discussion about a problem is more important than the resolution.
These three questions are really important. If you have already spoken with him about this and he isn’t making an attempt to understand you, or you still don’t feel understood then the issue at its root is about how you two communicate. Men and women alike need to learn how to be great lovers for each other, but that learning and this issue have deeper roots in the way the couple brings up issues and communicates through complications and challenges. If it would be of any help, feel free to look at the consultation page to see if I can be of assistance.
My husband and i took the 5 love languages test. His top language was physical touch. I started holding and hugging him more and playfully asked him if i was speaking his love language. He said yes part of it but not all the way. He was basically saying that his love language is sex or blow jobs. When i asked him if he only feels like he is loved when he is having sex or sexual favors and he says yes. This is difficult for me bc just today 3 hours after we had sex, he is asking for another sexual favor. I told him “tomorrow”. Then he said “how about in one hour” and i said “tomorrow”, then he said “two hours” and i said “tomorrow” then he said how about later tonight and i said “tomorrow”. He said he was just playing around but he said he was also serious at the same time about it. He then told me that i need to increase the number of times we have sex and give him blowjobs. I told him that complaining about me right after we just had sex 3 hours ago makes me feel inadequate and exhausted trying to give him what he wants and that he just reminds me that i will never satisfy him. Especially when he puts me down, calls me names, says im lying, or curses at me i feel like i am just trying to please him and he is not trying to treat me better. I told him this. Then he just doesnt stay on track and started saying “well if we hang out with your family and then you want to hang out with your family again, that is requesting something that you like to do right after we did it and you will get upset if we dont”. I told him we are not discussing our families right now we are discussing our intimacy and it is not a time to try to bring up analogies especially trying to make an analogy with our family.
He is always asking for sex and sexual favors. I know that he is mistaken in thinking that this is they only way he feels loved. I really dint care what or how he thinks this way anymore. But what i do care about is him getting mad or putting me down when my answer is “we can have sex tomorrow or i will give you a blowjob tomorrow” especially on a day when we just finished being sexually intimate bc it just reminds me that i dont completely satisfy him and he is not happy with how i am. Is there a better way to word what i want to convey? bc i feel like it just doesn’t get through and it winds up becoming even more of a fight/argument that doesnt get fixed.
Some men just never grow up, that little damaged bratty boy is all about me, me, me!
He has a sex addiction. These types never are satisfied and can eventually cheat. Be careful.
Your husband could have a portal problem in the background. Porn addiction manifests itself in relationships like this.
Why did you lock your husband into a life of permanent monogamy only to stick him in the friendzone? If you feel like every time he touches you it’s going to lead to sex, then why did you even marry? You want your man you took vows for to be nothing but a carebear?
How about let us men be men and stop overthinking everything. If you feel like a piece of meat then imagine how us men feel. We’re nothing but an atm and a taxi and a disposable accessory to your lives.and the things we actualiy care about mean absolutely nothing to you. Ungrateful c*nts
She obviously is looking to remedy the issue. (Notice the message asking for help that this whole blog has been about?) Sounds to me like you just wanted an outlet to relive your nightmares and finally voice your hurt feelings by blaming and shaming someone… Men be men? Does anyone even know what this means? I suppose it depends on your idea of what a man should be. Personally I prefer a guy who doesn’t mind holding my purse when I step into the restroom or is polite enough to look me in the eyes and say how are you. I don’t want to be tossed over his shoulder after being hit on the head only to wake up naked and afraid… So maybe you should rethink what being a man means in today’s society…
This.
It annoyed me for a different reason. I’m a woman who has a high sex drive, and if we go 3 days without I start feeling distant and am completely uninterested in other intimacy. Like you can’t feel sexy without intimacy, some of us can’t feel intimacy without sex. It feels like you’remy roommate or sibling or friend, not my spouse.
1000%.
Agree
Is your husband supposed to just jump into your brain and know exactly what you want. And even if he asks you, you won’t tell him.
You’re causing your own misery by blaming the man and avoiding the responsibility to use your words and just talk.
This honestly sounds like the wife taking the initiative and the responsibility. My husband does little around the home or with our two small children. We both work full time and his entire validation comes from his job! We’ve done the talk, we’re taking counselling and he still won’t pull his weight or even utilise the advice given by our therapist. He’s a dark cloud that’s raining on our lives. He refuses to change or even try. It’s a complete sexual turn off!
That’s very hard and makes sense. It is a turn off in many ways to be with a partner who won’t change, listen, or take initiative on feedback. In a healthy relationship partners need to be open to changing. The other day a woman told me the same thing you shared, she shared that her partner likes to say, “you knew who I was when we married.” It’s a terrible and sad response. A relationship requires work, and being open to change. Not just open, but actually willing to see how a relationship will demand it. It’s one of the key laws of life, in order to grow, we need to change. I am sorry you’re stuck in this kind of relationship. Many couples who I used to see in my research days were like this. Fortunately, I learned a few good methods to help make stubborn partners see their ways…but even then, they have to be get into sessions and have some kind of willingness. I hope you set your foot down and say that he has to see a specialist with you. You shouldn’t do this work alone. Best of luck.
I just have such a hard time with “Men don’t understand this” “Men don’t know” I didn’t have lessons on intimacy. I had a very cold mother who didn’t teach me anything. There are just things you take the time to learn. Be a grown up. I’m just sick of men getting excuses while women are expected to know more and be better and give men allowances. I have to literally tell this man how to have an emotional connection with his wife? Just. Try. Harder. Learn. He’s not looking up this article, I am. Why?
Bravo!!!!!
I’d give you a thumbs up if there were any. To answer your question as why are we women looking up this article and not them, is because they aren’t the one feeling the lack of connection. We are! We are seeking answers. I feel I and my husband both lack that physical connection. We have everything else. However, I think he expects it from me and I expect it from him, and we are trying but I think it is because of the children. We don’t like to be intimate in front of the kids. And we are never alone except when we’re dead tired or at bedtime. Work in progress I guess.
You can be intimate in front of the kids. Holding hands, hugging, saying sweet things. That’s how our children learn by imitating us. We can stop the cycle of people growing up and not knowing how to express love and share intimacy.
Amen
My husband says that he loves me and that he doesn’t want anyone else. His actions tell something different. We have a child with special needs, a business and two other kids. Life can be stressful sometimes . He now avoids intimacy and connection and instead approaches sex like it’s its his pleasure moment and not ours. I have spoken to him about having touch that doesn’t always lead to sex, more conversation etc. As long as he gets to hop on and hop of, he feels quite happy. I feel like I’m going insane
I’m not convinced that the problem with my husband is that he wasn’t raised with the knowledge of what intimacy is.
The reason I’m saying this is because my husband and I dated for 10 years. He was romantic, loving, spontaneous and adventurous the entire time. Once we got married and we had a baby, it all gradually came to a halt.
Just so you know, it’s not physical. I managed to regain my pre baby body and weight, almost no stretch marks. I still feel sexy and and feel great about myself. He, on the other hand, eventually morphed into a defferent person. The only time he touches me is when he wants to have sex. Otherwise there’s no hugging, holding hands, not even a goodbye peck when he leaves for work. We don’t even sit together on the same couch. And if I dare turn away his advances or try to talk about it, he’ll ice me out and sleep in another room.
A year ago, he suddenly told me that he’s no longer in love with me, and that it’s over. Since then, not only has he not taken any steps to move, but he STILL tries to have sex with me!
Now not only is there no intimacy, but there’s ZERO love between us at all. I don’t understand it. It just feels like he’s trying to exert some sort of control. He doesn’t want me, but he doesn’t want me to be free. He doesn’t love me, but he doesn’t want to let me go. I’m trying to stay strong but the fact that I don’t know how to escape is eating away at me. I’m even beginning to question his mental health. Who would treat their wife this way? Why?
Myself and other women are going through the same exact thing. Started around June last year. Mine was in August, my friend in July and my two clients in June 2021. My was exactly what is happening with you.
Get out now! His behavior is going to make you ill. It is pure unadulterated physical, mental, emotional abuse. It has derailed so far that there is way too much wrong to ever be fixed and you can’t do it by yourself. Lousy f***n a*****e.
You deserve better. I’m sure this is abuse. Please get help. Don’t tolerate this.
My wife and I are now on the throes of this misery. Our relationship started out sexually and grew into what felt like a deep love for each other. Then we got pregnant and had a daughter. After that she divulged she was a heroin addict and wanted to get clean… and please please please stay with me. I did. I stayed right here supporting her through this ordeal. The very ordeal I was oblivious to…. No drugs in my life ever and I’m fairly naive about that sort of thing.
Fast forward 7 years and she won’t touch me. She claims I don’t giver her what she needs.
I still try to surprise her with an occasional flower arrangement or her favorite desert from a special restaurant in town. I’ve always (and I still) pay all the bills and there’s no participation in living expenses from her. I know not to talk about it because it becomes a fight every time.
I’ve been accused of cheating non-stop yet I’ve never had any thought of doing so. Last July I found she had been sexting with a guy she had known for a long time. I was crushed.
After having our daughter and then getting clean, life became different… less than it was if that makes sense.
When I was feeling loved and desired, intimacy was so easy for me.
Over the last few years of a sex life that only exists of me making an effort, it has become harder to want to go out of my way to share etc.
I see a lot of women on here smiting men, but I can tell you I stay here and try to keep my head up and deal with life in a home where I don’t feel wanted or desired and maybe not even needed or appreciated.
Women: we care and have feelings too. I know I need to delve deeper and work harder to fix what’s missing, but if a man feels like sex is a carrot that may be given again “someday” wham the woman feels what she wants to feel, then I have to tell you that the D word becomes a real option.
Life is short, and I married my wife for specific reasons. One of those reasons was an amazing sex life that I never wanted to deviate from.
So when we feel like our woman won’t touch us or help us where we need it… why do women expect a man to “snap out of it” and give a woman what she claims to want?
It’s give and take and I know no two situations are the same, but I suspect the answer is probably not one sided.
Men wanting/needing sex should not be deemed bad or unhealthy. I do think there’s a certain amount of pre-wired sex desire in men that’s not the same as it is in women. Why then, do I see so many women that make claims of being a caring loving wife…. But “I’m not giving that son of a bitch any sex”?
I’m just saying… the problem is not likely “just” the men.
You’re an idiot JS!! You don’t get it at all!!! If my husband showed me one shred of affection, attention, date night, anything I would b happy to help him out but he doesn’t so why should I just give him sex bc it’s my wifely duty???? You have a lot to learn. WOW!!!!
Do you think allllll these women don’t think they have a part in the problem if they are taking the time to look up, read, digest, and put into action the suggestions here? PERSPECTIVE DUDE
I feel like this is the situation I’m in but my husband won’t admit he doesn’t love me.
I am currently dealing with the same issue! Trying to create a plan for my peace.
I think my husband wants both but doesn’t know how to interact. He was a virgin prior to us getting together. We have been married almost 3 years now. There is very little intimacy and sex has become something that I pray ends soon…and he enjoys it more than me. I’ve tried to encourage him and show him what works for me but he just falls back to what pleases him. I know he has had trauma in the past during his childhood that probably affects our connection. But I wish I could improve things…
I have been with my hus for and for 17 years, I am 10 years younger than him, I am slim and he loves my body, I have been his “cum whore slut” his naughty homemade porn star and have spoiled him in ways women/wives dont talk about. I was an escort and it turned my husband on! Now I am craving the hot passionate sexy love where we shed tears bebause we love each other so much and have such a rare and awesome sexlife and marriage. We had fun, well he did abd I liked making him happy and he made me feel so desired. But thats not enough just once in awhile I want him to get lost in the moment while we just inhale and exhale at the same time and our hearts sync snd beat at the sane time, YES men this really does happen….its not just lyrics in classic R&B love songs. Two heart beating as one is a real phenomenon that happens when two people make love and experience total ecstacy. Kissing every inch of each other getting lost in each others eyes…just watch a music videos of Faith Hill and Tim McGraw singing duets togeather in their intimate music videos. This is what women need and crave…..but egat you guys dont get is when we have this we will be your dirty filty anything.. just give us your heat and soul and connect with your woman once a month or so in your most vulnerable and loving state. Let her know she irresistible. The most amazing and Beautiful woman and that you want to bring her pleasure that no one could ever replace. You see we can fuck and suck and have sex with anyone but we can only have hot passionate sexy intimate love with the one we love and guys you are robbing yourselves, Your wives, and your realtionships from the most pleasurable sex life possible if youd only take the time snd explore her body and allow yourself to to desire her in a totally new way you wont regret it as long as you maje love fro. Your heart and soul and not your mind or from your body but from the a delicate private space that is only between you and her your soulmate and best friend lover and sex goddess! The tiger will awaken and thank you by giving you the kind of sex all men dream about!
You couldn’t be more accurate. You my friend are somewhat of a expert to have gained this knowledge. I too have been married a long time (25 years and 3 months) and it took my husband about 23 years to figure this out, lol!
I don’t think I believe this. If a guy wants his wife to be filthy every other day, how often should this spiritual intimacy be happening?
A husband shouldn’t want his wife to be filthy ever- she’s a jewel- even if she’s sometimes annoying and sometimes over emotional. You know there is something special about her and you know that she does adore and respect you and especially so if she gave you children, it’s prolly just life stress or grieve or the enemy trying to break up something really special you have. What man and wife do together should always be what is not sinful in the Eyes of the Lord- that’s where you will get the most pleasure out of what he created. In a marriage we should always be placing the needs of our spouse first – many women are doing this and if they aren’t it’s because they are tired of staying their need over and over and it going unheard- ” don’t just want me for that but damn it act like you still like being around me too, act like I’m still beautiful, forgive me when I forget to appreciate your hard work these children are a mess, they are blessing and I love them but this is harder then I thought it would be, treat me like you still wanna be my teammate… I love you, I’m having a hard time feeling lovable… if you’d just say it over and over without wanting something from me maybe I’ll hear you–a many wife’s are going unfulfilled -men should be going into sexy time asking what can I do for you first if they want to make it better if that’s the case- honestly- lets be real ( your gonna get something out of it and you can either keep being selfish and have that little voice of shame blocking progress up or you can be proud in the growth and progress you make toward ” getting on the same page” I won’t be a pornographic read like some of the other commenters. But I will say- I believe in Love- I believe God is Love- the world can’t define it he is it- so look at the Bible to see how he wants you to treat her- and start there- and Ladies look at the Bible not as control, Gods not for staying in abuse ever- but if you got a good man who’s simply having a hard time at showing some things- encouragement is the best meds. Lets forgive eachother when we fall short and be who we were created to be until we heal. Xo
Wow..you’re all over the place with all your thoughts.
You sound more like 2 horny teenage boys having some fun trolling the internet. You probably have to delete your history every night just in case your mom takes your phone away and sees all the free porn sites you and your friend get intimate together with. “Cum whore sluts”…??! Really? Tim McGraw and Faith hill? Heart beat together? You think that’s the intimacy woman want it’s no wonder you’re trolling instead of getting an actual real life date.
This resonates so much with my situation. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and I have always given him what he wants sexually. In the beginning, sex would start off intimate then would ask me to tell him a “story”. Over the years these stories have progressed and now he isn’t interested in having sex unless he gets some fantasy fulfilled. I have told him many times that I am craving intamacy but he’s just not into it. He cant finish unless hes thinking about things straight out of a porn scene.
We are a young couple in our late 20’s- I obviously don’t want to throw our marriage away because of our sex life, but I’m at a loss of what to do. He is completely happy with his sex life and I’m not.
I am in my late 30s and that was how we were in our 20s. Now he looks at porn and lies about it and sex has to be a dirty thing for him or he isn’t all that interested. He repulses me. If you aren’t happy now, make changes fast or get out. After kids and now almost 40 it’s not like I can start over with someone else. I’m busy raising kids and getting older.
Well said! I pray, I hope, I wish, I beg for this to happen for me and my worthy one!
Nothing but Facts!
I’ve found myself on this site, as I am trying to see my wife’s point of view and have been re-reading it now for over a week.
I feel LOST both within “us” and with myself. As today (20y of being together, 10y of which married) she tells me she’s asexual.
She tell’s me everything is about sex, but we haven’t been physically intermate in 4m.
I feel I can no longer be myself. Constantly watching my words, my actions. She wants me to listen to her. When she asks me to open up about what I am feeling, she proclaims I am making her feel small.
I’m not the one who had an affair for 5m, 3 years ago.
Right now, I feel she only wants me on her life and our children’s is so she can continue to be a stay at home mum.
Feeling: hurt, disrespected and 2nd class.
To be honest, right now I’m only here for the children.
That all sounds really painful. Have you considered speaking to a professional about this? I can tell there are deep wounds here and it’s causing you a great deal of strife. You’re welcome to check my page for a consult and I know there are many great people available that can help (I’m just one of them). Here if I can help of course. You shouldn’t have to keep living like this and you don’t have to carry this pain any longer.
My husband told me that me asking for intimacy was me trying to change him. And I don’t wish to change him at all. I love that he works hard to provide for me and out children. But he don’t understand there is more to a relationship then just the material things. I’ve told him many times he could lose it all and I would still be with him even if we had to live under a bridge in a cardboard box I would still choose him. We have been together for 8 years now. And I’ve been begging and pleading for his affection and intimacy. And I’ve tried doing it in a calm way till it ends up to us fighting. I’m at my breaking point and ready to just separate. Because I’m tired of having to constantly ask and beg for it. I feel if I have to keep asking and begging for it then I just really don’t want any of it anymore. I’ve tried giving examples and explaining and even asked if he would do research. But it’s like he is not willing to do it. Its more acted like I am trying to change him. I’m not the kind of women who likes expensive gifts. I’m okay with just getting out and going to a mcdonald’s and us just being together. But we don’t go on dates at all anymore. We don’t really talk about things we like anymore. I just want to feel heard and wanted and not made out to be crazy because I ask for things such as affection and intimacy. I don’t know what to do anymore.. and like I said I’m just about ready to just call it a end and just separate. 🙁
I’m in almost the exact same situation. I feel like if I have to specifically say, “do x,y, and z and I’ll feel loved enough for sex.” That the x, y, and z (him making more intimate gestures) in his head, is only to get the reward at the end- sex! I can’t accept the intimate gestures when I know they’re not genuine! They’re not to make me feel loved as a wife, they’re to receive sex. I would love to know how to get past this point.
Me too. I’m in the same boat. I’ve pulled out all the stops and it’s still going over his head. Even accusing me of wanting to be with someone else. Like what? I’m literally expressing my needs and designs in turn you assume I’m seeing someone else….so now what should I do being honestly ready to end it. I refuse to beat a dead horse!
I hope your doing okay
Amen. This is how I feel. Thank you.
JS shut up!
I agree
My wife and I have been marred almost 12 years. She complains that she isn’t interested in sex because there is no romance in our relationship. When I ask her what she is willing to do to get what she wants all she can say is I don’t want to do it for myself. In my wife’s mind going out of my way to do something for her gives her a validation of her worth. To me it’s a waste of time and effort if nothing comes from it. I work 2 jobs and am out of the house from prior to 0800 in the morning till usually after 0100 or later. Forgive me if I don’t want use my very limited time on something I get nothing out of on my 1 day off when you can’t tell me specifically what you want. As a result if I want sex I have to deal with a dead fish and frankly it’s not even worth doing. She doesn’t want me to cheat, but doesn’t want to take action herself to improve of own sexual health. Not to mention all the conditions she throws up for me to get dead fish sex.
Phillip, I am in the same situation as you, with my husband. My husband has complained of me being a dead fish when he’s having sex with me. And I knew it was true because I don’t enjoy having sex with my husband because we only focus on his pleasure. Our sex life has been one sided for all occasions except 7…our honeymoon. I guess he was baiting & switching me those that week.
The score board is in his favor & these are our stats:
3years together & he’s had orgasms everytime.
3years together & he’s always had orgasms even when I’ve been a dead fish to his jackhammer. Pretty pitiful, huh.
3years together & I’ve only had 7 orgasms…that I gave myself.
He could make me orgasm or enjoy some of it…but he’s too self-entitled to sex that he won’t.
My husband just likes what he likes, that’s direct stimulation, he just wants to pinch my nipples & stick it in.
It feels good ONLY to HIM.
I Hate It Phillip. I tell him constantly what gets me freaky…and he WON’T DO IT. He won’t do it because he’s convinced that just sticking it in will…will bring his dead fish back to life. And it won’t. Because as much as I love my dear husband…he’s just bad at sex. Phillip, I love sex. I mean loooove sex. But it has to be good. When it’s good I want it anytime of day, multiple times a day. But my hubby is too concerned with himself to let go of his control over our sex life.
And if you’re wondering why I haven’t divorced him yet. It’s because I love him. He’s a good man…just bad at sex when he’s selfish. I keep remembering how good our sex was on our honeymoon & keep hoping he’ll remember why it was so good.
Crazy thing is Phillip, he remembers too. Heck he should by the way he kept losing his breath & sweating all of the house. He asks me constantly why can’t we get it back like back then because it was the best he’s ever had. Then I tell him, it’s because you weren’t controlling it. We didn’t have one sided sex that was just pleasing you. You gave me and my body a good reason to…make love WITH you.
My husband didn’t like the idea of losing his control. That’s whats really getting him off. He enjoys trapping my body and using it for his pleasure. He doesn’t care if I like it or not. But one things for sure, he can’t handle the truth that he’s bad at sex. He’d rather pretend that something is wrong with me. But me and his exes know the truth because we’ve talked about his problem in the sack. Hubby knows but his ego won’t accept it.
I’m not ready to give up on my dead fish of a husband yet. I’m fixing to knock my wannabe sex god off his high horse. Whether we make it or divorce, one things for sure Phillip, I’m going to teach him that jackhammering away is only pleasing himself. Because if only one person is having orgasms all the time & the other one ain’t…you might not be using the right bait.
Don’t lose her Phillip
Yes, Phillip – get rid fast. She is part of the failed toxic feminist culture.
This whole article is absolute feminist detritus.
Tune in to Suzanne Venker podcasts which sticks it to this feminist psychology garbage, where empathy is always the target metric.
It’s always the man’s fault that women can’t get in the mood; always our responsibility to get them in the mood.
Where’s the wife/woman taking responsibility for understanding herself getting herself in the mood?
We must divorce such women and certainly look for the signs to make sure we don’t marry such women nor our sons and brothers.
When she does her hair, shaves, lathers, lotions, puts on something pretty and smells good, she’s trying to be attractive and desirable to you.
When you let her know that she is, she’ll be in the mood.
When she plans a night out or a weekend away and you actually try to enjoy it instead of huffing and puffing and looking at your watch, she’ll feel like you’re proud to be seen with her and she’ll be in the mood.
I assume you’re an adult so if no one ever told you that men’s and women’s libidos often work differently, I’m telling you now.
Ian – You missed this entire article and what Noel said. It is our responsibility to get in the mood and what you are presenting before us is a turn off. Do better!
Yes, please piss off with all haste. So we may seek our reflective, compassionate equals.
Wow! You are certainly the problem
Sad!
Wait. Being nice to your wife and fulfilling a need for her isn’t worth it because you get nothing in return? I’m sorry but that is the worst kind of selfish
Hi Philip,
– “ When I ask her what she is willing to do to get what she wants…”
– “ To me it’s a waste of time and effort if nothing comes from it.”
– “ Forgive me if I don’t want use my very limited time on something I get nothing out of on my 1 day off…”
-> This all sounds very transactional to me. You’d give her only when she gives you what you want, and if she doesn’t, you won’t show her affection because you don’t get anything back. That is not how love and marriage work. That is not a marriage at all. It is a business transaction. And looking at it, she doesn’t get anything from it either way. Because when you do something for her, it’s because you expect something back. That’s emotionally exhausting, draining and totally taking advantage of a person. I’d be a dead fish too.
– “ She doesn’t want me to cheat, but…”
-> WOW! You just blamed her for if you’d cheat on her, like it’s her fault that you run into another woman’s arms.
– “ In my wife’s mind going out of my way to do something for her gives her a validation of her worth.”
-> Not necessarily a validation of her worth in general, but a validation of how much you love/like her, how much she means to you personally, YES absolutely! Why would that be wrong?
– “ Not to mention all the conditions she throws up for me to get dead fish sex.”
-> The only conditions I see from what you’ve written is you not wanting to show her affection/love, unless you’re getting something back. That’s messed up!
– “…all she can say is I don’t want to do it for myself.”
-> She wants you to do it for the reason that YOU WANT to, not because she wants to. This is a sign of selflessness. It is so so heartbreaking to have to ask and beg for affection and time with your husband.
From what you’ve written, you sound very much like a narcissist. But maybe you’re just unaware that she would just like someone to love her for her, and not for what she does for someone else? What happens if she gets sick in hospital? You’ll have all the reasons on earth to cheat her and to leave her? That’s selfishness.
I have talked to my husband several times and he understands but just dosen’t care..sex is very painful for me thats everytime i have endometriosis and pros so sex and everything hurts i don’t deny him of sex but I do ask for emotional and intellectual intimacy i need it so I have something because I just feel used when he’s always getting pleasureed and I’m basically just there to satisfy him!!i love my husband but I really don’t know whaT to do
If sex is painful to you and you’re feeling used – it’s a pretty clear indicator you need to take care of yourself. With your husband, you’re putting your needs below his. It’s best to talk to him, really clear about what you need (give it to yourself) and ask for it from your husband. I highly recommend the “The Gentle Start-Up Method” to help you bring up the issue, clearly state your needs. Because research shows that the first two minutes of discussing a problem are the most important (more important than the resolution in fact), use ‘The Gentle Start-Up’ method and you’ll more likely have the outcome you want – a conversation that is respectful, spacious for conversation, and results in your husband and you understand each other.
My husband and I have spoken on these things quite often. He says that he lacks intimacy from me and I tell him I lack intimacy from him. When he kiss me, touch me, or we are holding one another it must lead to sex. I give him full body massages and sex last for two hours. If it doesn’t he tells me any man would have left from lack of sex. Then he compares me to other women wanting their husbands, which is followed by I’m not trying to compare you. When we have sex it hurts really bad, the pain last for several days. So I tell him that I’m in pain which lead to accusations of me wanting someone else and not him. As far as intimacy on other levels, well if it isn’t something he likes then it is a waste of time. To give a better descriptions of what I hear: if we watch a movie it must be what he enjoys, if we watch any tv show it must be what he likes, if we eat at an restaurant, it must be what he likes or have taken other people from his job there to eat. Anything I try to so with him is boring, not good enough, or he just isnt interested unless he choose it. We rarely speak on anything about religion, unless it’s the scripture of God saying women shouldn’t deny their husbands. If we talk about world views, he quickly shuts me down saying you can’t change the world. If I tell him his friend, co-worker, or family has said something that upset me. He tells me that I have no right saying anything about them or to them. Since I do tell him he ask for a divorce then say because we aren’t being intimate with one another. This has been going on for 18 years of our marriage, and 23 years of spending our life together. You see met in high school and have been together ever since.
Well I am married for 10 years, my husband is like yours, everything is about him, I find this behavior selfish 🙄!
I don’t know what to do!!!
Sex part is the most painful part, I have to imagine some loving guy is making out with, for my own self-satisfaction. :😳
We must be married to the same SELFISH AND CONTROLLING ASSHOLE! So sorry…for us both!😔
Wow You sorry that you dont know a thing when it comes to turning your man on! Men love raunchy slutty porn, at least mine does and I like being that for him…my post was to express how even freaky women want close intimacy…it makes me happy therefore I am more willing to be the hot slutty milf my husband enjoys! Married for 17 years for a reason…and his sexual desires and fantasies are always fun to fulfill…hes not board with sex and never will be.
I am still a woman that has needs for soulful love making! Thats not too hard to understand.
Your husband sounds like a narcissist, dont believe the things he says to you…you are better than he says you are, he knows this but doesnt like that you are better than him. He puts you down to feel in control and for power that is how he builds up his self esteem by taking yours.
Get a divorce!!!! This is abuse. Narcissism.
Well, sure are some opinions flying around…I think the biggest point this article makes “fellas” is that women NEED emotional connection sometimes. …I mean I’m all about….some random kink ..but there should be at least equal fun for us. “Crazy romantics” what’s a marriage without passion?? What’s the point? I mean sure…it’s like eating corn with no butter…you can. But you sure are stupid if you don’t lol. I don’t want a fairy tale night with ass kisses and candles…but umm how about some kisses just cause…no expectations. or some nice romantic foreplay. No excuses…if you love her or him….make the effort .
I have talked with my husband that I need foreplay and that I like kissing, touching, etc. But all that he say is that he doesnt want to be 30 minutes foreplaying me 🙁 also, I feel sad that at “intimacy” he,95% of the times, doesnt look at me or hes uncomfortable, doesnt lime if I make too much noise or talk “sexy” without he talking back. We being together for 7 years and still doesnt know how to touch me and neighter knows what turns me on and is so sad, because I know everything thay makes him feel aroused and turn him on. I just feel so sad cuz I love him so bad, that I dont mind not having great intimacy, as long as he gets sex.
This is a very feminist perspective, that wants to ignore male sexuality.
Firstly, we are much more predisposed to novelty, and more, taking risk to achieve that novelty makes is feels truly alive.
I read in a recent large scale survey that 68% of husbands wished their wives were more sexually creative. Just 11% of wives said the same.
We dream of orgies regularly – this is known fact – women dream of home and security.
Porn is an enactment of many inner desires that we have to suppress in order to attain a relatively civilized society. Religion is all about suppressing the male sex drive.
Thus men have to discipline themselves and have to be socialized so not to rape.
Given their lower sex drives women are much more able to tolerate monogamy than men.
These are inalienable facts.
Men use porn to make up the difference in libido but more often to satisfy their craving for novelty.
The article talks of “coaching” men to be more emotionally intimate. Of course we can have emotional sex and that’s ok, but more often than not many of us prefer a lack of intimacy – dyadic sex – where we just desire pure hedonism, the deep carnal stuff that makes us feel alive – we resolve ourselves into the animals we truly are.
Personally, I’ve had to use escorts to achieve many of those supreme moments of ecstasy that complete me as male.
Now, I’m not saying that I am incapable of serious lovemaking. And yes, most of us know about women’s need for emotional bonding in order for most of you to feel desirous for sex.
But this should not be the baseline for sex in a relationship. It’s the halfway meeting point.
Feminist psychologists have moved the goal post to well inside the female half of the field.
One suspects that many of these husbands have been turned down for sex at some stage or that certain of their kinks have equally been dismissed.
If an escort can deliver pleasure without being emotionally involved – satisfying some male desires then why not his wife?
Is not love about pushing yourself beyond what you would normally not do yourself, for the sake of the other?
Many of these women talk of otherwise good husbands. Caring of children, responsible at home and work. They still form the breadwinner in most families.
Men don’t even bother to complain about sexual rejection in marriage anymore. It’s pointless. We know even succeed in asking for more sexual commitment, the resultant sex is passive or grudging.
So most of us then bury ourselves in porn, escorts or affairs.
Do a search on google and you’ll find women complaining far more than men do about dwindling sex lives. By self admission you require sex when and at your own choosing and in the manner in which you most desire. Most of the time it is not an all encompassing need for physical hedonism either. It’s to feel emotionally bonded and desired.
Understand, men will desire you more when you give yourselves up to the new, when you entertain them in their peccadilloes or kinks. Some may be disgusting to you, but at least listen.
Any good prostitute will tell you this – a good wife needs to tune in to her husband’s kinks occasionally.
Otherwise leave him to his porn and recognise the situation is as likely of your making as it is.
Very well written response.
You are right, men appreciate novelty, seek it, and want it. Many studies point to much of what you say to be true.
You definitely intrigued me to write an article more about this topic. After your response, I see that I can also add a section on: your man is ‘intimately shut down’ because the sex has been lacking and maybe has been feeling rejected (the solution would be to ask him, talk about your sex life (frequency, kinks, etc). I appreciate you sharing what you have, it’s added some insights on how to improve this article’s ability to be useful for couples.
One thing that you said that I don’t think to be very true, it’s here where you said: “Men don’t even bother to complain about sexual rejection in marriage anymore. It’s pointless.”
As someone who sits on the side of coaching and counseling couples (and have for over 12 years), I have found what you’re saying to be wrong here. In my opinion, in the ‘sex complaining’ department – the difference is that women tend to be more vocal online, portrayed in media & movies doing the complaining – but when I’ve sat with couples I have found it’s pretty equal. And yes, I do agree complaining doesn’t help much, instead, what helps is finding a healthy way to have a dialogue.
Truly, you are just the kind of man that legitimizes never getting married for women….you have absolutely NO understanding of women as a whole! Your theories are outdated dear! Nearly half the women on here would jump at the chance for some varied and frequent GOOD sexual experiences!! Their husbands just aren’t delivering!!
Yep! My husbands sex is boring to no avail, I know all of his kinks and I deliver – but he does nothing for me doesn’t care about my kinks. every single time we’ve had sex in seven years he’s had orgasm and I’ve only orgasm to six times and that’s because I did it myself… he’s complaining to me that he wants more sex, but it’s extremely boring for me and a chore because it just becomes about me pleasing him with noting in return.
I know. I’m sorry. It is sad.
You shouldn’t be married or get married. If all you want is weird kinky sex then just sleep with random women your whole life. It’s easier for a woman when she has no connection to you. Anyone can have a one night stand without a second thought but when you’re with someone for the long haul then all that fantasy stuff quickly becomes boring to a woman. Women need more than just some sex filled excursions night after night with the same guy. It just gets old and we need more stimulation. Again, if you just want wild kinky sex day after day then don’t marry. You referenced porn stars and escorts as women wanting sex all the time but you failed to mention that they get paid to do this…they get paid a lot!! So what they’re giving is not real. They’re just pretending for the money. Trust me, a woman won’t pretend for free. So if all you want is wild sex every night with no connection then hire a escort. Otherwise stop trolling.
Am really frustrated. Am trying to make him understand for the last four years.. Now it seems like its a failure.. And i just wanna to die. Because he was my first love and i couldn’t make it.
When you’ve talked to your husband about your need for intimacy (and not just sex) what was the conversation like? If you share a bit more, I can offer more insight.
This makes total sense. It’s all about how I could have communicated. I would ask my partner if we could “make love?” His reply would be “no that’s boring”.
I feel like my husband only want sex because we did not discuss as marriage couple
What if a husband wants intimacy but not sex?
Interesting, and that is something that happens too.
I definitely need to write an article on this topic too.
Going to your question here though:
What if a husband wants intimacy but not sex?
I’d start with, have you asked your wife for more intimacy without sex?
Have you explained to your partner why you want that intimacy and not so much the sex?
A good conversation could solve this issue quite quickly. Many women are starving for a partner who will hold, touch, connect, listen, and be with them and not expect sex.
Agree with Thomas.
Sex is too easy and short. I rather do something else together even if it’s just folding the laundry. New Adventures and experiences.
Every girlfriend I’ve ever had was Sex as a foundation.