One of our subscribers just commented, “My husband makes me feel worthless. What do I do?”
Her line begins with a clear indication that she needs help. Then, she goes on to describe that her husband doesn’t appreciate her.
This is a common issue, as many women are in a similar situation.
After reading her e-mail and thinking about this issue, I felt a strong pull to write about how a husband can make their wife feel worthless and, on a positive note- what women and men can do to change.
Table of Contents
My partner makes me feel worthless
Unhealthy relationship dynamics include physical or emotional abuse, violence, cheating, lying, or stealing.
What about those less obvious things that happen every day that compromise the health of the marriage?
In this article, let’s discuss the not-so-obvious reasons why marriages fall apart and what a husband may do to make their wife feel worthless.
We’ll most importantly address, “My husband makes me feel inadequate. What do I do?”
Before we dive in, let me say that if your partner makes you feel worthless or like he hates you, there’s a big issue.
If it goes unresolved, unaddressed, it will end your marriage.
There are consequences of staying in an unhappy marriage
Various research studies have shown that an unhappy marriage makes women feel depressed, gain weight, isolate, lower productivity, and even shorten women’s longevity.
While the data is pretty clear – married men are happier and healthier than unmarried men – the data is also clear that unhappy marriages negatively impact women.
So, if you’re a woman and your relationship feels detrimental to your health or is contributing to depression, you want to get this handled before it hurts you more.
Not feeling valued and cared about in a marriage inevitably leads to more significant issues and is one of the biggest signs of impending divorce; therefore, fixing this issue is very important for your marriage and physical and mental health.
This article will help you navigate feeling worthless in a relationship
- Ask your husband for respect.
- Set boundaries so you feel valued and cared about.
- Become aware of the ways your partner devalues you so that you can put an end to it.
- Tell your husband in an empowered way that you need him to change.
- Come together with your partner so you finally stop feeling worthless.
- Talk to your partner and be heard with kindness and respect.
- Boost your sense of self-esteem so you love yourself more.
Marriage should be a place where you can take respite from the harsh world. In a healthy marriage, you should feel valued, heard, and cared about.
If you are feeling worthless in your relationship, don’t give up hope that things can change for the better.
Why do I feel worthless in my relationship?
There are many ways a person can make their partner feel worthless.
To keep us focused, we won’t discuss what to do if there’s physical violence or cheating.
If there’s physical abuse in your relationship, call the Domestic Violence Hotline, and if there’s cheating, marriage counseling can help you recover from infidelity
This article will focus on the less obvious things that eat away at marriage and eventually lead to divorce.
We’ll talk about how husbands make their spouses feel worthless and what to do to end it.
Also, there may be signs the relationship is over for him to look out for.
Some less obvious ways you may hurt your partner are speaking down to her, making her feel that her needs don’t matter, not listening, defending himself at every turn without trying to understand, putting her down, not making the marriage a priority, being verbally abusive, and gaslighting and manipulation. And, of course, there may be other signs of mental abuse.
As you read this list, remember that even a good husband sometimes makes mistakes in a stressful moment.
The problem here isn’t that these things happen.
However, if it happens multiple times or your husband refuses to take responsibility when he does something wrong, there is likely a deeper issue that is worth addressing.
As you read, note that what matters most is how something makes you feel.
If you don’t like it, are tired of it, have requested it stop, or have just become aware it’s an issue – that is what matters.
Related Reading: My Husband Doesn’t Listen To Me
He makes me feel worthless through his words
One of the first ways a husband hurts their wife is through their words.
Despite the saying that ‘sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can’t hurt me,’ the truth is words do hurt.
Words can kill self-esteem and change someone’s life, and it’s through words we can choose to love or hate.
Repeated studies have shown that we can build someone up through words alone, or through words, we can break someone down and hurt their spirit.
My husband makes me feel bad about myself
As you read this list of words, note if any of these phrases make you feel worthless or are things you’d like your partner to stop saying.
- “You’re fat.”
- “You’re gross.”
- “I don’t like to be with you like I used to.”
- “You’re hysterical.”
- “That’s a dumb and terrible idea.”
- “I hate you.”
- “You’re not sexy.”
- “You are a horrible person.”
- “I’ll leave you if.”
- “Look at her; she’s sexy, and you’re not. You should be like her.”
- “You’re always messing up.”
- “I’m the only person who could ever love you.”
- “You’re an idiot.”
- “Leaving you would make my life easier.”
- “You don’t do anything. I do it all.”
- “Taking care of the house and kids isn’t a real job.”
- “F*** you, you stupid b***.”
As a wife, many of these phrases are terrible to hear. And as a man, I don’t like these hurtful words either.
In some cases, some of these words could be heard among healthy couples, but what matters is how you feel when you hear these things.
There are better ways for your partner to speak to you.
Regardless of the health of your marriage, if you hear these phrases and they hurt you, you have the right to ask to be spoken to with respect.
Along with negative things that your husband may say to make you feel worthless, there’s also how a partner responds when you bring up an issue.
For example, if you tell your partner you don’t like how he does something, he can make you feel worthless by being defensive and refusing to accept responsibility.
It may not be the words your partner hurt the most – maybe it’s how he responds when you make a request.
My husband makes me feel worthless by:
- Gaslighting (manipulating you and making you feel crazy) or repeatedly lying.
- Defensive listening and saying, “No, you’re wrong. I didn’t do that. It’s you who messed up.”
- Fighting when you’re making a request.
- Yelling at you.
- Storming out of the house every time there’s a discussion about a problem.
- Emotional cheating or cyber affairs (like talking to other women on dating sites).
- He displays signs he doesn’t love you anymore.
- Threatening to end the marriage when you do something wrong.
- Emotional distance or emotional abandonment
- Name-calling and labeling you in damaging and harmful ways.
- They want sex but not intimacy— which negatively affects your sexual desire.
- Refusing to accept responsibility and saying, “Well, it’s your fault I say those things. You made me do it.”
Warning signs that your relationship is in trouble and what you can do
My husband makes me feel worthless through his actions
If you’re thinking, ‘My husband treats me like dirt,’ it’s understandable to feel hurt or angry.
Also, you’re likely feeling lonely and not connected to your husband anymore.
Actions that spur feelings of worthlessness can be hard to catch.
Much like we may excuse the power of words to make us feel worthless, we can excuse the behavior, believing there’s a good reason for it.
My husband makes me feel worthless by:
- Regularly rejecting a wife’s advances needs for attention, sex, physical touch, and affection
- Frequently watching porn— his porn use makes you feel upset, undesirable, or neglected
- Refusing to spend quality time together
- Invalidating his wife’s feelings by saying things like, “You don’t feel that way.” “No, you shouldn’t feel that way. That’s stupid.”
- Going out with friends and repeatedly refusing to let his wife join or go out with him
- Leaving his wife when she needs him (for example, when you’re sick and he won’t care for you)
- Not introducing you to friends, co-workers, and family
- Saying negative things about you to your kids
- Overly investing in his job and not giving much energy to the marriage
- Verbal abuse or putting her down in front of others
- Ignoring you (you often think, “My husband won’t talk to me”)
- Controlling you with money and sharing assets
- Reminding you about how he provides the income, and you don’t
- Staying out and not letting you know where he is (or when he’ll come home)
It’s not just the action that matters. It’s how it makes you feel.
There’s an unlimited amount of examples we can put on this list of actions a husband may do to make their wife feel worthless.
It’s not just the action that matters; it’s how it makes you feel.
Does your relationship leave you feeling cared about and worthy?
Does your husband try to help you feel better when you’re sad or having a hard time?
Since every marriage is different, what’s most important is how an act makes you feel.
Further, do you feel comfortable checking in with your person and discussing your feelings?
If you’re looking for a hands-on guide to relationship check-ins and enhancing your emotional connection, pick up the Relationship Workbook.
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Why do I feel useless in my relationship?
Let’s look at several other ways a husband can make their wife feel worthless.
My husband makes me feel worthless: my husband makes me feel like everything I do is wrong
Ineffective communication can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
If your partner is not effectively communicating his expectations, it might come across as criticism.
Sometimes, people have unrealistic expectations for their partners or themselves.
If your husband has high standards or expects perfection, he might unintentionally make you feel you aren’t doing things right.
My husband makes me feel worthless: my husband makes me feel like I’m not good enough
Another way a husband can make their partner feel worthless is by constantly bringing up their shortcomings or past mistakes.
It seems like no matter what you do to be an amazing partner; you can’t measure up to your husband’s expectations.
Not feeling like you’re enough in your relationship can lead to feelings of worthlessness, decreased self-esteem, and mental health concerns.
Your partner’s negative remarks may even lead you to question whether you are a good person worthy of love.
My husband makes me feel worthless: my husband thinks I’m stupid
Whether your husband calls you stupid or his actions make you feel that way, believing your partner does not think you are intelligent and capable is extremely hurtful.
Why my husband makes me feel worthless?
There may be several reasons your husband is lashing out at you.
The main reason may be due to his own trauma.
His lashing out or shutting down may be a trauma response or a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reaction.
Reactions such as blaming, yelling, isolating, and name-calling can happen when a nervous system becomes dysregulated.
Therefore, when your husband feels overwhelmed, it can cause him to react indifferently or aggressively toward you at that moment.
Even if your husband has a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reaction to you, it doesn’t excuse any abusive behaviors.
However, understanding his reactions can help you respond in a way that deescalates situations.
Helping your husband and yourself stay calm in stressful situations can deepen emotional intimacy and love between you.
What to do when someone makes you feel worthless?
What our partner does and says to us impacts us.
There’s likely no other relationship that has such a direct impact on how we feel and think.
If your husband makes you feel worthless, you are likely feeling sad, hurt, and rejected.
You may feel angry or resentful toward your husband, which affects your desire for sex. You feel the distance between you continue to grow.
However, instead of focusing on how your husband’s behavior shouldn’t affect you, I suggest creating a solution with your partner.
Don’t keep your feelings bottled up and wonder if your husband will pick up on your frustrations.
Instead of deciding to wait and hope things change, talk to your partner directly about how you’re feeling.
When you and your husband talk, call out the issue and request an alternative.
You have a right to put a name to the issue and request a change to finally stop feeling worthless in your relationship.
To help you, let’s go into how you can call an issue out in a healthy way and make a request.
What you want from your husband
Underneath your complaint is the desire to have him change and treat you better.
The fact you’re reading this now is a big clue that you’d like your partner to change, treat you with love, and make you feel special and cared for (something we need, want, and deserve).
Healthy relationships require mutual trust, respect, and emotional support.
A loving relationship makes you feel valued, cared for, desired, and supported.
If you are feeling like “my husband stopped loving me,” it’s deeply painful.
However, feeling unloved by husband doesn’t mean that your relationship is a dead end.
You can turn things around and have the kind of marriage you desire.
Whether you’ve been feeling worthless in your marriage for several weeks or a few years, you deserve to be treated better.
If you’re looking up this topic, you’re either looking for behavior changes or thinking about leaving your marriage.
You have the right to tell your partner you want to stop feeling worthless and ask your partner to treat you differently.
He may change, or you may still encounter the same problem. At that point, you can decide what action to take.
Even if your husband thinks he does nothing wrong, you can still request how you want him to treat you.
If, for any reason, you find this difficult to do or it hasn’t worked, a marriage counselor or coach will help you address these challenges and move toward a healthier relationship. Join the Save Your Marriage Course.
How do you know your husband doesn’t value you?
It can be challenging to determine if your husband truly values you. However, the most important thing is how you feel. If you’re feeling unappreciated, it’s likely because your husband seems to overlook your feelings, criticize you, emotionally neglect you, ignore your boundaries, or prioritize his own needs over yours.
What is emotional invalidation from husband?
Emotional invalidation happens when someone dismisses, belittles, or ignores another person’s thoughts, feelings, or experiences. It is often a sign of emotional immaturity. When an emotionally immature husband invalidates his partner’s emotions, he fails to understand or acknowledge them, making her feel unimportant or misunderstood. As a result, his partner may experience feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem.
How do you tell your husband that you feel unappreciated?
To make a request to your partner, try this formula: When you do or say ________, it makes me feel _______. I’d appreciate it if you ______ (insert specific change you’d like). For more guidance with communicating with your partner, pick up one of the marriage books we recommend.
What to do when your spouse makes you feel worthless?
First, recognize that your feelings of worthlessness are valid and understandable. Have an open conversation with your partner about how their actions or words make you feel. Additionally, prioritize taking care of your mental health. Spend quality time with supportive friends and engage in activities that boost your self-esteem.
Reading this article and alot of these comments I can relate to alot of this. I’m not married but I’ve been in a relationship for over 7 years and we have a child together. My spouse has been making me feel worthless for a couple years now. He constantly says I’m lazy, I’m not a good enough mom and constantly saying I cost him so much money and acts like he thinks I’m just with him to be supported financially. He does make more money than me and I would like to pay half the rent like he wants but I just don’t make enough money to. I do work part time so I could try working full time but then I wouldn’t have as much time with my son or as much time for keeping up with the housework which I already struggle with. Also I worry if I made more money I would no longer qualify for food stamps or my health care being covered. So if that was the case I could be financially in the same place I am now but working full time instead of part time. But it is not true that I’m using him for financial stability. I do love him but it’s getting harder with the way he makes me feel. I know that I am not perfect and want to improve in many ways. I’ve been seeing a counselor/therapist for almost 2 years now. But alot of the times I think I’m making progress and what feels like out of nowhere he gets mad and tells me I’m failing. He’s constantly telling me he’s done and wants me to move out of his house. Buy then a day or two later just acts like it didn’t happen. He was calling me horrible names like dumb bitch etc. or calling me crazy or delusional. He thinks I hate his older son which I don’t but I do get sad when I see how much he goes out of his way to do anything and everything to make him happy and anytime he messes up he is immediately forgiven and gets endless unconditional love. I just don’t understand how he can be the most amazing loving father but I guess not think that a spouse should deserve even half as much. He constantly says to me that his kids will always come first, which I don’t disagree with but I can’t help but feel hurt when he says it like he’s shoving it in my face that I’m not important to him or something. He is always saying that I’m an adult like that makes me less worthy of love or something and also says I don’t act like I’m an adult if I ever have any form of sad emotions. I just don’t feel loved or feel like I’ll ever be good enough for him no matter how much I try or improve. I feel like he never makes me a priority even though he has enough time to make friends a priority sometimes. He almost never takes me on a date night or date day. The last time this year was Valentine’s Day, which I feel like the only reason he did is he felt like he had to. He also doesnt show me much intimacy at all. He never sits nextvto me on the couch for us to ever have a chance to cuddle. Our son still sleeps in the bed between us so we dont get to cuddle at night. On some occasions we would move our son to his bad after he galls asleep which is usually within 5 mins of getting in bed. But lately my spouse will stay up in his recliner until midnight or 1:00 so I’ve either already went to bed before him or we are too exhausted by then. With all of this I am in a huge depression which makes me feel like just shutting down and makes it even harder to have a positive attitude and stay productive to keep up with the housework. My therapist says only I can decide what to do and she will support me either way but sometimes I think she thinks I deserve better. But sometimes I wonder if he’s right and maybe I am really just a horrible person and worthless and I’m giving myself too much credit that I don’t deserve and not seeing the situation correctly from my perspective. I don’t know anymore. I just wish it could be hoe it was before, there was a time that he made me feel like I was special and that he loved me. It’s just been so long I don’t know if he ever can again.
Reading your comment here, really brought me to sadness. Several times you say things like, “Sometimes I wonder if he’s right and maybe I am really just a horrible person and worthless and I’m giving myself too much credit that I don’t deserve and not seeing the situation correctly from my perspective.” In those moments I wish I could grab you and tell you that isn’t true.
In my work, I know that when someone says their partner makes them feel worthless and like they’re not a good person — the couple really needs help. He may not mean to make you feel this way, but if he does, you two absolutely need extra support to change a very toxic pattern. He sounds like he’s resentful a lot, doesn’t know how to constructively share his pains and desires, and in the end makes you feel like you’re unwanted, not worthwhile, and less than. None of that is acceptable. It’s not good.Calling you “horrible names” is very toxic and you two together need to address this. You going to therapy alone can only go so far, and maybe right now that is all that can be done, but in the end you two will want to do couples coaching/therapy together. As a couple, as a team.
If you’re going alone it’s likely only going to help to a certain point, and then, contribute to your wounds more because you’ll feel like you’re trying so hard but it’s not helping change him or your relationship dynamic to the degree you want. This is where couples work, together, will become more important. If you do the work and then he still says negative things about you, it just makes you feel worse or like you’re going to need even more help…but the truth is you, the work you want done must be done as a couple.
Your partner likely doesn’t have a lot of healthy role modeling or training around intimacy and communicating wounds. It’s not abnormal that the partner who works more outside the home will feel some resentment about it. That being said, you are doing a lot at home with the kids. On paper he might ‘earn more’ but you are also contributing and working and helping with immensely hard work. Sadly, pay is one way we measure what we contribute, but in a healthy marriage we can’t just stack our financial earnings to figure out who is giving more or less…This is a deep conversation and typically requires careful coaching. Even couples where both people are high earners will fight about chores, money, and child-rearing. You’re experiencing many normal symptoms of blending a family, raising a little one, and being together for years…what will make the difference is the under-lying patterns of how you talk to each other, bring up issues, stay present, escalate (or don’t), take breaks when things get heated, and how you return after a fight or pausing during a hard conversation.
Clearly you’re feeling really hurt by how he talks to you, devalues you, and how he’s communicating his hurts. He may not mean to hurt you, he may be feeling upset and hurt about some dynamics, and even have important points to share with you, but yours and his methods aren’t working very well. My focus is on you two together, it’s always you two together. This is where 1-1 therapy falls short (even though I love 1-1 therapy), but until he gets more engaged and works on the dynamics with you, it’s statistically likely you two won’t make a lot of progress in ways that help lift you out of depression, feeling isolated, alone, and like you’re not a good person (all stuff that would mean the world to you to have change). I wish I could grab him and help open his eyes that his partner, friend, wife, and teammate is hurting and that it’s a two person job to help heal the relationship wounds.
If you can, see if you can gently encourage him to at the very least do a couples consultation with you. Many therapists and coaches do these at no-charge. It allows you two to talk to someone together as a couple. From there, a good coach might help open his eyes and might serve the needed cause to help you both begin to create a healthier language that brings you together, helps you undress yourself emotionally, helps him share and open up to you, and supports you two as a team to have a language that uplifts, encourages, and makes you come back together to a world where love and intimacy shine. I want that for every couple who reads our content and I want that for you. You deserve that, and based on what I’ve read, you sound like an amazing partner (and I am sure he’s got great qualities too), but it’s time you two learned new ways to shine the grime off this dusty relationship so you’re back on track to being the partners you want.
So I am older and I am finally tired of my useless , unloving wife.
I have worked hard to provide for us and pay all her debts. I am not perfect but I receive zero affection, consideration or respect. I don’t want the zero gratitude and constant criticism any more. Some days I do things that are outstanding, like a home run and wait for the slightest acknowledgement. Well I can wait forever. Today I thought I will just relax and hang back and see if she even interacts with me in the slightest. Nope. She is taking her second nap. I have to find a new way.
I am so sorry you’re missing that sense of appreciation, gratitude, and recognition.
I am curious. What happens when you tell your partner you want to cultivate more appreciation, connection, and words of affirmation? I assume you have tried to have this talk, but want to leave room for the possibility that maybe neither of you has done that. One good way we help couples do this is through our Appreciation Deck, it’s a good way to say, “I got this deck and way for us to create more loving rituals.” The other option is to suggest couples work with an expert.
We know that couples who thrive have regular ways to appreciate and acknowledge one another. Asking for it can be hard, and sometimes, doing it in a way that invite a healthy discussion can be even harder. If I may, I’d recommend doing this from a place of saying, “Our relationship is missing” or “our partnership could use” or “I found some ways for us to increase the appreciation, and can I invite you to try this with me?” These ways of asking or talking about the issue can reduce the finger pointing. Without knowing your partner, I know that universally when the request or insight is made in a non-judgmental way or finger pointing type way it’ll help invite a partner to the discussion or consideration of a big topic. Just some thoughts which I hope are supportive for you and your partner to better connect and meet this incredibly important need of yours (and of any couple).
I don’t know if this can help anyone but last night my husband called me stupid! I told him I’m not stupid I’m hurt. He expresses his frustration a lot lately and I understand we have been married a very longtime and have been through more than most marriages.
I have been going through emotional pain for the last 3 yrs over the loss of my mom. It hit me hard, I checked out on everything in life, I’m not proud I have been lost. I emotionally abandoned him I know that. But through this time of realization and coming to terms with me failing him, I have lost my adult kids talking to me.
They have emotionally abandoned me. They don’t like my husband they never have. I have been lost alone and confused.
I have never felt so empty inside, I have been married for 34yrs and my children are in their forties.
My husband tells me I need to address the situation with my kids and call them out on leaving me. I don’t want to, I know they are hurt by my choices in life. But they hurt me by not talking to me in this time that I have been literally lost. I know they feel hurt by me and that I am with my husband.
There are so many dynamics to my story too many to say. My husband feels I should be over my mom I have heard this from others but I am going through some kind of change that I don’t understand. My whole life is upside down and I am literally lost.
I can relate to you in so many ways. I’ve never felt so low and like a burden than I have been made to feel lately. my husband has anger issues (mostly towards me but occasionally with his grandson who lives with us) deep down i know its emotional abuse and I’ve just been dealing with it for 14 years. first year was great (like many marriages in the beginning) but then his behavior and actions left me feeling rejected and betrayed. I tried so hard to get his attention during during the first few years but I was always left hurt and feeling alone. he had no remorse for hurting me and expected me to just move on and not live in the past. I never felt a true apology. it led to me building a wall to protect my emotions. I began to lose interest in him and had feelings of resentment towards him. I couldn’t talk to him about it because he got defensive and angry at me about it. as the years went by he had began displaying anger outburst with him yelling and cussing at me. when I met him I had a night job lined up and he told me that I didn’t need to work because he could the care of me and he probably(in his words) didn’t trust his self if i worked nights. ive always had low self esteem and been anxious but years of being talked down to, being told its all my fault, im a frustrating person to live with, calling me lazy, saying f**k you to me, reminding me that he pays for everything while I sit on my ass, he does everything for me, I couldn’t survive without him, and those are just to name a few. so yes I have gotten depressed in the last couple years. I have gained weight which he also pointed out the other day. when I ask him not to speak to me with profanity or talk negative about me he tells me im overly sensitive. his anger has my anxiety at a severe level. he doesn’t see the things I do around the house because he’s so focused on things I don’t do and the fact that I have “anxiety”. he wants me to communicate with him during arguments but anytime I do he either gets defensesive or shuts me down or says I just make excuses. I don’t even feel like I can gonto him with my feelings and problems because he says my thoughts and worries are irrational and basically stupid. he tells everyone how smart he is and thrives off people feeding into that. every argument leads back to I have social anxiety and we can’t go eat inside a restaurant. I mentioned 4 recent times we went inside a restaurant he said but its a problem every time.. I said I didn’t resist any of those times hoping to show that I’m trying to make an effort but none of my efforts are good enough. he finds something else to complain about. I ask him if he even has anything positive to say about me because all I ever hear is negative and im sure an awful person and spouse. he says yeah I love you so. im like really that’s all you have to say good about me? honestly I’m just hurt and have no one I can talk to about this or how I feel not even him.
But what if she is worthless? I work full-time, she doesn’t. I do all the cooking and cleaning. I do the laundry. I run all the errands. I do most of the parenting and all the bedtime routines with the kids. She is never in a good mood. I never know what mood she’ll be in, and I’m walking on eggshells. She blames me for everything. She’s a slob and a poor cook. She doesn’t understand why kids need love and attention. She’s jealous that they like me but not her. She’s emotionally and verbally abusive. I have no desire to have sex or even be in the same room with her. I wish she’d file for divorce and leave.
Unfortunately, there are many relationships where one or both people become complacent and don’t work to make things better. I imagine you don’t divorce for the kids and financial ties you two have. If you would like to talk to someone, we’re here to support you via coaching. If she truly is as you say she is, we know that coaching could help, but sometimes that doesn’t help either. Do you know why she’s so withdrawn, angry, and non-participatory in the marriage/parenting/daily life? In our experience this can point to depression and chemical imbalances in the brain/hormones. We don’t suggest saying that outright to her, but maybe she’d be open to hearing that you’d like her to talk to someone. In previous situations where we’ve heard spouses share what you have, we found that if the couple and the one person struggling with moods and motivations sees a therapist/psychiatrist that with the right medications tremendous changes can occur. Right now I have a few active clients just like this. In one case the husband lamented that his wife stayed in bed a lot, wasn’t engaged in the daily home life, and that he felt alone even though she’s right there. We found her a competent psychiatrist (with some careful prodding to get her to do so of course), and now with the combination of couple’s coaching and her 1-1 work, they’re a very different pair. She’s engaged, he’s changed some of his approaches on how is with her, and she’s worked hard to become more active and loving in the home and marriage. We hope you get wha you need, we know how hard your situation is and know that it feels like you’re being broken and feel alone in this process.
Just leave her for goodness sake. Life’s too short to be unhappy and you’ll only build more hatred for her over the years of dealing with her behaviour.
If you really feel she’s worthless, why do you stay married? Some part of you likely still loves her and wants her to engage more in the marriage. I recall a husband saying something similar about his wife recently. Then we talked, he said, “I really do love her, she just doesn’t do much to help me around the house or with the kids. I need her to show up more.” When he said this, I saw her cry and then she admitted that she’s often depressed and feels stuck and validated his emotions. Saying she is worthless didn’t open her up or make her jump towards empathizing. I can fully get where you’re coming from and hope you’ll find a way to talk to her, in a constructive way that allows you to express your wounds. My mentors, Drs. John & Julie Gottman, found in their work that just three minutes of observing couples talk about issues was enough to predict a couple’s martial future (with a 96% accuracy). I’d highly recommend you read about Gentle Start Up. Ask her to set time aside to talk to you. You sound like a hard-working, deeply involved partner, and someone who wants her to show up more. All really reasonable points and frustrating issues to not feel as if she’s open to hearing you, working on it with you, and being your teammate. If she won’t do the work and won’t join you, and is unwilling to do couples work with a coach or therapist (with you as a couple) then it’s unlikely you two can ever have a healthy and happy marriage. In my work, I always hold hope for couples and know that through proper support there’s light at the end of tunnel. Many couples like the one I’ve mentioned earlier have expressed what you just did – a critical partner who abuses verbally and doesn’t show up to the marriage and through careful instruction have found new healthy more supportive skills/routines/ways of existing and being together. My heart goes out to you, I know it can’t be easy to feel this way about the person you married and have a life with. The data is pretty clear too, when a partner feels as you do, it drains your energy and makes life harder all-around (work, energetically, mentally, and emotionally) all of it is harder. Based on what I’ve read too, it sounds like both of you would do well with support to tackle how you express concerns, repair after fights, and heal/mend old wounds. My guess is there’s lots of old fights, arguments, and disagreements and hurts that you two have piled up inside of yourselves. If you can’t talk about them and undo those wounds, the issues tend to continue and both partners find themselves more closed off, more reactive, shutdown, more explosive, and worse off. Have you asked her to do couples coaching or couples counseling with you? Given you work so hard to so much, this is likely the most supportive and helpful way for you to get your needs met and to have the conversations you want to have with her (nothing like a good coach to call her out and to help figure out what is making her be how she is towards you and to also call her into being better). And ideally, to support both of you to find new healthier patterns. I thank you for sharing and I am hopeful you are able to invite her to do the work with you, as a team, to create a better relationship.
My husband makes work his priority – he works during his vacation. He says he does it for the money, but I suspect it’s so he doesn’t have to be home. He goes in early and stays late. He had an emotional affair with his secretary. I found out after she left that job site.
For years I’ve asked him to not work so much and spend some vacation time with me, but he refuses. I cried, begged, yelled, pleaded, did anything to get his attention, asked for “date nights,” anything! He said if I want it, if it was so important to me, I needed to make arrangements because it was unfair that he had to just because he was the husband. That taught me that I am not important to him, that our relationship is not important to him. He can’t be bothered to take me out for a burger at least? I wasn’t asking for a five star experience. I wanted some time, time with him.
Years have passed and now he says sorry, he’ll take me out, but I am too bitter and resentful. I refused his offer. He’s done a lot of reflecting and sees that at this stage in his life the kids are older and moving away, retirement is around the corner, and it’s just us. After all these years of not being a priority my attitude is screw you! Now, I’m the bad guy because I am “heartless, and hold on to a grudge because of something I said years ago,” (refusing to not work during his vacation or take me out). Words hurt and I do not forgive (nor do I forgive the emotional affair). I don’t forgive the words when the actions are the same, hurtful.
We’ve been married 20 years. He doesn’t take responsibility for anything. We both work, but I’m the one who does ALL of the cleaning, laundry, dishes, yard work, bill scheduling, car maintenance scheduling, and home repair. He sometimes cooks. We recently tried to start a business, but all he wanted to do was look up the grant and sponsorship opportunities while I was supposed to do all of the submissions, business plans, funding requests and estimates (without his help). Tonight he told me it was all my fault that our company never got past the dream stage.
I don’t know if I should pack a change of clothes and disappear, or just hope I die in my sleep.
Ugh, sounds familiar. I see this post is about 7 months old – so where are you now? We just celebrated our 20 year anniversary and I share the same feelings!
Reading to comments has been interesting. Lots of unhappiness. Patrick brought up something that I think about often when I feel disrespected by my husband. Am I being worthless? Is my husband doing things for me that are outside his comfort zone to make our marriage work and I don’t recognize them? I feel like I’m doing all the bending in the relationship but am I really meeting his needs or trying to meet mine? I hold up the mirror to see how am I showing up and is my attitude impacting how he’s showing up in our relationship. It’s really hard to do this alone without a coach who is impartial. Thank you everyone for sharing. Yes I feel disrespected quite a bit the past few years and in turn I have been disrespectful. We’ve both been going through a lot of changes. It would really help if he would talk to me.
Love your comment! The spouse may say cruel words and we may be the stonewallers and intentionally not listen. I’m guilty of stonewalling when my husbands words begin to hurt, but I don’t want to hear hurtful words either. We’ve been married 18 years.
My husband makes me feel worthless. He tells me I’m ugly and fat and then tells me he’s joking. He tells other people (while I’m right next to him) that he needs a break from me and that I annoy him in a joking kind of way and I just save face by laughing it off even though it hurts me inside. He expects sex every night even though some nights I’m super busy with school or cleaning up the kitchen etc. When he doesn’t get sex right away, he gets angry and tells me I’m stupid for not picking up on his signals. He tells me I’m worthless because I don’t work and I should have done the things that I needed to do in the daytime so I can have sex with him at night. He tells me that it’s all my fault that he’s angry and it’s my fault that our marriage is falling apart. I feel uneasy and not safe around him whatsoever when gets this way. His words just hurt me; it literally feels like his words are piercing through my body. I get scared and unwillingly start acting hysterical. I get to the point where I can’t take it anymore and run to my car and drive far away shaking. I spend a couple hours in a parking lot cooling down but afraid to go back home because my husband is there waiting to probably hurt me more either with his words or his hands. PS: currently typing this in a parking lot
Please contact the domestic abuse helpline to seek a refuge immediately. I am trained in domestic abuse and based on what you said your partner is abusive and controlling. Once you are safe in refuge you can start to rebuild your life again and they will help you with housing, take care xx
A lot of this hits very close to home. Except for the sex. My husband doesn’t touch me at all. And if, by some miracle he does… it’s after he’s spent hours watching porn in the bathroom pretending he’s taking a sh*t. And he wears a VR head set… 🙁 … hes 17 years older than I am… and has a hard time getting hard and keeping it up.. whether it’s cause of his age and erectile dysfunction or if it’s cause I gained weight… or both… It makes me hate myself to an extreme.
I have a bit of a unusual situation. For the first 6 years or so of my 12 year relationship I was a heavy drug user and I treated my husband very badly. He stuck by my side with unwaivering loyalty when even my own parents did not. This truly meant/means the world to me! I now, Thank the Lord, have 6 years clean & sober, yet he constantly berats, belittles, calls me terrible names and even threatens physical violence towards me. I feel like I understand a tiny bit about why this is happening… I feel like he’s worried that since I’m in recovery and a “better person” that maybe I will leave him. I’ve tried thousands of times, literally, to make him feel valued and demonstrate my love for him, but it’s all been to no avail. I am aware this is a mental health issue on his end… On BOTH of our ends…but I’m still not ready to give up on our relationship. He means the world to me and I know that I do to him as well. I’ve searched and searched for any type of advice from someone in any type of similar situation (online… Because I can’t afford to see a professional) or even just someone who might be able to relate, but have yet to find anything. Can anyone offer me any advice as far as how to rectify this situation? I guess I should say any advice as to a different approach then trying to tell him I love him? I spent a few years in school learning about psychology and, at the risk of sounding totally arrogant (another constant accusation I often hear) I understand allot about it. I understand that ultimately I’m putting myself in a bad and possibly hopeless situation… I understand I’m threatening my own sobriety..
I understand that most likely.. I can’t even say the words if I’m being honest. I am not going to give up on us! How could I when he never gave up on me at my very worst?!? ……I could really use some help…..
My husband is making feel worthless,he keeps callng me name,like (fools, stupid, nonsense,mad woman) every time I want to address the matter about how he talk to me he doesn’t see anything or the reason why I should feel like that coz it’s true, that’s wat he say,I dnt knw anymore I feel he doesn’t take responsibility for his action,
I would love my husband to address matters with respect,love,and acknowledging his mistake but Everytime he blames me for his action n wat so ever happening in my house,I love him bt I can not take it anymore coz it’s really destroying my inner peace,I alwys cry,
It’s well, I pray you get over it. Hugs
I would say he needs Alanon and he’s very codependent. He probably felt kore secure with you being sick.
I came across this blog in hopes to find help on how I can help my wife. I really feel bad for all you ladies. You need to be treated well.
My wife constantly tells me I don’t care, I don’t do anything doe the family, I don’t discipline, that I’m an awe full parent. I can’t take it any more. I work full time, I’m home by 3:30. I often cook and do the dishes and help he clean the house. I do all the landscaping, I cook breakfast for her every morning with a cappuccino before I leave for work. I always tell her she’s beautiful and sexy. But some where I must be missing something. I must be clueless.
Can anyone give me advice on how to make my wife feel respected a d appreciated. I don’t insult her but there must be something I do that is not right. …so far, her biggest complain is that I don’t listen to her. I have a hearing problem and attention deficit problem, but I thought should could understand that .
I am wide open to suggestions.
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Hi Dan, I hope things have gotten better for you since you wrote this. I unfortunately am like everyone else on here…hurting. Your situation is similar to mine although our situation is that he points it out to me of everything he does for me/family. He doesn’t work and we don’t argue it just is a bitter and tense house hold because I think it’s a lot of resentment and fear. It’s unfortunate that people think they are doing “everything” right but in the end it really is that people each want to feel personally special, personally taken care of, personally as number one but you add in kids, work, every day life and people get into the usual boring routine and by the end of the day excitement is gone for each other…or energy. Right now it sounds like your wife is begging for just you and her time. Not to talk about the kids, the house, the bills, but what you and her first fell in love for. I can only say this from experience. If you know there is no infidelity, if you know there is no secret life then it is time for you guys to take a reboot time for yourselves! Hope this helps.
Hi Dan, will you marry me? Lol phew
I came across this blog in hopes to find help on how I can help my wife. I really feel bad for all you ladies. You need to be treated well.
My wife constantly tells me I don’t care, I don’t do anything doe the family, I don’t discipline, that I’m an awe full parent. I can’t take it any more. I work full time, I’m home by 3:30. I often cook and do the dishes and help he clean the house. I do all the landscaping, I cook breakfast for her every morning with a cappuccino before I leave for work. I always tell her she’s beautiful and sexy. But some where I must be missing something. I must be clueless.
Can anyone give me advice on how to make my wife feel respected a d appreciated. I don’t insult her but there must be something I do that is not right. …so far, her biggest complain is that I don’t listen to her. I have a hearing problem and attention deficit problem, but I thought should could understand that .
I am wide open to suggestions.
Hi Dan,
I would suggest when you both are in a good mood say, ‘I have been thinking about what you said that I don’t listen. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good listener but I’d like to try to be, so can we start now and can you tell me what are the things you want to tell me’ then just listen, don’t disagree or defend yourself, what she is saying is what is the truth for her, even though it may not seem true for you. Let her talk for as long as she wants and just listen and don’t say anything and if she asks for a response say, is it ok if I take some time to think about what you are saying. Then take that time consider what she has said. Consider things from her point of view and then later if you want to say something for example if she says you never cook dinner, yet you cook dinner twice a week. You could say, you said you feel I don’t cook often enough, how often would you like me to cook dinner and then make the changes she asks for. If you want to of course. My husband doesn’t listen to me, and if I try to discuss an issue with him his reply is to tell me I’m crazy/argumentative/never happy. I wish he would ask for help in how to listen more.
Good luck and we’ll done for asking, wishing you and your wife happiness.
Dan- one technique is when she brings you a problem paraphrase back to her what you think she is saying by saying “so what you’re saying is…”. Also, ask her what you can do to make her feel heard. If it has to do with your ADHD, maybe you need to have a conversation about what you do that bugs her, but maybe you also need to let her know when you are trying. She may not completely understand your ADHD, but letting her in might make her feel more connected.
It’s been a while since your post, but I’m thinking your wife needs help. Not help with dishes- help with feeling better. Maybe she’s lonely & isolated with the pandemic or if you recently had a kid maybe she has ppd or maybe she’s just feeling depressed about another big life change. I’d stop thinking about what you’re doing, and start thinking is she ok. Ask her if something is bothering her. If that makes sense?
We are southAsian and arranged married for 7 yrs. Both of us are working and since the beginning, he’s a night owl and I’m an early bird. I’ve taken off for my first baby and we live din a different country. His treatment was so indifferent that I went crazy with a new baby and no single person to.talk to. All he does is come back from office and watch TV/ ph until midnight while I work all day and nights feeding and taking care of the baby all by myself. He’s been off work for more than 2 yrs while I worked . He still snored off his days and never sent kid to school on time.. again he was off work and brought his mom to live with us, who just watched serials and TV and never helped a bit while I was working morning nights to provide. Now we moved abroad, yet he remains the same mental abuse.. he even dropped me at the middle of the road and drove away. I walked back home 2 hrs with no wallet or keys. Once I said I was not feeling well in a shopping centre and all he’s worried about was the grocery list.. I’m tired and want to give him back with full force and leave him to die.. can’t do it coz we’ve had some. Good time too and kid may suffer. I want him to teach him a lesson.
Today I am taking the next step to get past a toxic relationship. I’ve been with my husband for 23 years. It’s been this way for the entire time. Once I move on, get past it, he does something else degrading, disrespectful and simply wrong. It has gone past the point of him just making me feel worthless, unattractive, stupid, unworthy of him or his attention.
23 years ago I knew he was chasing after a girl when he was seeing me. I gave him the benefit of a doubt because he was fresh from a divorce where his wife cheated on him, never mentioned it to him and moved on. While the whole time he accused me of cheating on him, checked my phone, tracked my mileage and demanded to know where I’m at, who I’m with.
I’ve spent 23 years with the same behavior, I am always wronging him, a cheater, how much money I cost him and everyone else is better than me. It took me until now to truly see, he accuses me of all thing he does or at the minim sick little fantasies he’s got going on.
Flash forward to now. I found he was trolling women on FaceBook and on dating sites, which is no more than porn. When he hasn’t been able to have sex with me for over two years because he does some medical problems, told me he has no interest in sex, doesn’t even think about it. Which is clearly a lie. I was kind about it, patient just like you are suppose to be with the one you love. He was liar, deceitful and most of all it crushed me. I truly thought he and I were at a good place with each other. We had moved past the childish crap.
Even when busted for what he done, even when I am begging him to show me he still loves me, he simply can’t do it. He went where he always does, uses me as an excuse for his childish and stupid behavior. Then went on to tell me how great someone else is, she has done so much to help him. Reality, I was the one who done those things for him.
Someone else will always be better than me, look better to him than me, deserve his attention, his sympathy, his kindness, his respect, his praise and his gratitude.
But I got up this morning for the first time in two weeks, the weight of that burden is not there anymore. I’m not saying I will leave nor if I will stay. I am not thinking this relationship will go forward to flourish nor think it will just die out while we move on. No more tears on my part, no begging, no more taking whatever he is willing to give.
It takes two people giving and taking in any relationship to make it grow, to make it thrive. The only person you are responsible for in it, is you. Today forward, I am working on me, only me and lets see what he does.
See yourself clearly, not as they want you too.
The money is held over head as vice, it’s the only card they have left to play.
Find something good about yourself and hold on to it.
My husband was asked not to perform a sex act anymore. He did it two days later. I was raped in the past and can’t get over what ny husband did. He plays it off like he forgot. After 2 days? In the past, he rejected me on a regular basis with no explanation
He is a porn addict and treats like garbage. Im in therapy got PTSD. He doesn’t care or acknowledge what he’s done.
My husband acts like he cares about me almost as much as he acts like he doesn’t doesn’t take my opinion into account on things that are important when we have a disagreement or something or does something that hurts me and I tell him he turns around and makes it like I’m doing something wrong or not eventually he’ll say what is going to take to end this. You’ll say sorry but then when I ask him what are you sorry for he can’t tell me to say he’ll change but he never does days and take the time to actually try and change any of his bad behavior it’s been 30 years we’ve been married 31 almost I’ve come to the point when we got married I had so much patience for him I would wait months for him to answer the question I asked him and he always say I’m freaking leave never answer it and then he say oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to and then he does the same thing over again thought I had an affair because some people in the store Said I did and at Business one time took me five years to convince him I didn’t but I sure got punished for it mentally not physically verbally emotionally I should say and at the same time I was having problems with OCD I was afraid of germs and chemicals in that kind of stuff so yeah and we Donely been together a couple years I had a baby that was probably three so I was upstairs having sex I was afraid I had to take a shower after I had sex with my husband but yet I was having an
My husband doesn’t call me names, but he constantly blames me for anything wrong. He makes comments like, “This house would be destroyed if it weren’t for me.” He likes a clean house. I work full time outside of the home, go to school part time, and we have three little ones. It’s hard meeting his standards of clean. He makes so many comments like that about EVERYTHING!
He makes all the decisions in our relationship. He’ll ask for my opinions or ideas, but immediately comes up with his own, not even considering what I’ve said. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. Like I’m the problem.
We’ve been together for 14 years. I’ve always been the one to give in to him. I’m always the one sacrificing what I need for his needs. But he reminds me constantly that things could be worse, that he could be cheating or doing drugs or abusing me… there I go again with the self doubt. I lost who I was in our journey as a couple. I don’t feel anything other than worthlessness.
I can completely relate 😔 . I’ve been with mine about 15 years almost and he’s definitely narcissistic. He has every quality of a narcissist. He makes me feel worthless. I can’t even be myself around him. He makes fun of me, mocks me, is judgemental and blames me for everything. He makes me feel inferior to him by always saying he’s the one that provides the income and if it wasn’t for him I’d have nothing. He acts like he’s God and I should worship the ground he walks on. He says I don’t appreciate him working . Everything he says is a lie. He has so many issues I don’t have enough time to put them all here but I now feel like garbage because of him and it’s hard for me to believe anything good anyone else says about me because he’s mad me feel so low.
Hi Meagan
I can relate so much with you, it’s like I wrote this but it was you.
I wish I could talk to you over email or something because it’s hard to find other women with the same marital problems.
Wow you took the words right out of my mouth. I feel like I have no energy to even explain life with my husband at this point. I am so exhausted, physically mentally emotionally drained but just know you’re in my thoughts as well
Melissa,
Just like Alecia said about Meagan you took the words out of my mouth! I am reading these stories and comments and it is hard to see that so many people are going through the same thing but at the same time encouraging. I feel all of your pain and I am so sorry!!! I know first hand this is so not easy and I am so glad that this is a place of detox and freedom. I appreciate all of you having the strength for how long and continuing you each have done it makes me see that there is hope for my end! Prayers and hugs to all of you!
OK KO
I literally go through all of that everyday. My husband always look down at me say how worthless and useless I am and what pains me the most is that he sometimes direct it also to my family. And I am this kind of people who cant even say a word back to him nor his family because I will say to my self I dont want trouble. And if I say to myself that whenever he tries that again I will give it back to him but when he start doing it again I cant even open my mouth to say a word. At this point in my life I think I need help coz I am losing it already as I cant stand him calling me names. He sees everything I do as useless I try to please him he insults me okay I want to please myself he still insults me that I am shameless and stupid…
My husband literally does everything on this list on almost a daily basis. I have asked, yelled, cried, begged, and everything else for him to try and be nicer and more respectful to me but the more I try the more callus he becomes towards me. I am at a loss. I feel utterly worthless to the point it effects me even when I’m not with him. I have lost so much self worth because I’m being told on a daily basis how stupid I am. If I don’t do the dished or the laundry one time i get berated and told im lazy meanwhile he comes home and sits on the couch everyday and plays on his phone while I cook dinner alone. He hunts and fishes year round so he’s gone more weekends than not and goodness forbid I ask him to give up one weekend everyonce in a while to spend some quality time with me. Today he said F**k you to me and told me he hates going places with me because all I ever do is dumbass shit. I’m writing this as I cry alone in the shower. Please someone help me.
Then the next question, one that shouldn’t be answered topically, but really needs to be given some thought:
“Why do you stay, why do you let him treat you this way? Why is it ok with (even if you says it’s not, if you put up with it year after year…your behavior says it’s ok).
Usually, quite often, women stick around with abusive men because it’s all they know and they don’t understand (on a deep emotional level) that they can have better.
If you really this to change, don’t focus on him changing –instead focus on you changing whatever keeps in the space where you allow this behavior. This isn’t easily done. I highly recommend you hire a coach or counselor (even nonprofits offer very low-cost counseling). You’re also welcome to message me and see if it would work to work with me. Given the issue you’re having, I am an excellent choice, but there are also many other people out there who can help you. The main take away here should be – I need to get help, and if this continues to happen, the only person who can change it is me.
I’m having the same issue as Kirsten. Can you help me? Im extremely depressed
Yes. I can help. Feel free to go to my contact page and schedule a complimentary consult.
You know it’s not black and white of why some people stay. My husband’s stepsister that was 16 molested our then 3 & 6 year old girls. Of coarse it caused hell. His dad stuck up for his step daughter, his stepmother is a social worker that got the little lieing child molesting bitch out of any trouble. Not to mention the therapist I was going to told me that it wasn’t in my head that my mother inlaw got her out of trouble. She was seen numerous times going to lunch with the head of cps. His 2 sisters dad stepmother have accused me, my mom or my step-dad. Up til that time I was the bread winner. He was finally in a position to be the bread winner so I could stay home with the kids. If you can’t trust family you don’t trust anyone with your kids. During that time I attempted to go back to college for something I know that I would love and he completely put the college down. Later he told me he figured if I got a good job again thy I would leave with the kids. No kidding. I would. After being told at least 4 times what a worthless piece of shit I am, and told the kids they were worthless as well. I am the one that cleans, deals with all the parenting especially all the emotional things and all things ugly. When I have needed him he is at his club with his friends. The club and his friends seem to be the only thing that makes him happy. Incidentally, I am now since covid and my stepfather dying, I do almost everything for my mom. I taKe care of 2 households. Anything and everything I do is not and will never be to his satisfaction. I’m sick of hearing how he is the bread winner, where would I be without him. How did I get this far in life without him. Even when I was waitressing and making what he does on unemployment, it’s always woes him. The ass that can’t keep his dick hard to have sex, that amazingly after getting married decides to let me in on how he can’t stand touching, but he was perfectly fine before marriage to suck me in
He is A phony. At this point I only have my mom to go live with my 2 girls. My mother smokes which would never work. To top it off, it would be like going from the fire to the pan. Both my husband and mother are the 2 most negative people I know. Why do i stay? Where do I go. At least now if I could at 50 pull a new bread winning career out of my ass I wouldn’t have to worry if I got a divorce that my kids would have to see his f upped family without me. They are old enough to tell a judge how their father has put all 3 of us down and that they don’t want to go with him.16 years in this marriage and no place to go until my girls are out of school. I am alone and very depressed. I went to therapy and of coarse it cMe to an end. I was doing great. He did start therapy. When all you tell the therapist is “I have chronic pain” but conveniently doesn’t tell what a narcissistic asshole he is so he can make changes. The greatest thing is medical Mutual doesn’t pay for marriage counseling. So yes I value myself. I have just a few more years or until my mom passes and I get an inheritance, and then me and my girls can have life without him. He knows he needs to change. He knows. It just seems to me that because he is white and has a penis he is entitled.
I’m here for you sister. You deserve better. It’s very VERY hard to leave, don’t let someone guilt-trip you for staying. The abusive partner plays on your fears and wants to convince you that you’re worthless so you never leave. But you know deep down you deserve better. That’s why you’re here. You already know the truth. Survive this. Seize your life back for yourself, make it what you always envisioned for yourself. Praying for peace, strength and guidance for you and all the partners out there who deserve love.
I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband has always been Victorian in some of his attitudes, but says he believes it is right to talk civilly if there is a problem. He’s prepared to listen if I want to talk. But he isn’t prepared to take responsibility and throws the blame for every problem on me. He’s been unemployed for several years, and refuses to talk to me about his own health problems, saying that because I can’t fix the problem it’s not worth worrying me about it. He’s very good at hiding stuff. I work all year, I look after the house, he refuses to do housework, we have children, there’s very little opportunity for “us” time, which I can cope with most of the time, but the other day it was our anniversary. Our mothers paid for a lovely dinner, the setting was beautiful, but he didn’t speak until he’d finished eating and didn’t reach out to me physically at all, no touching, didn’t even bother getting a card. I feel like I’m doing everything, there’s no balance, and there’s no appreciation, support or affection. I’m just so tired. I understand that he’s depressed and doesn’t show it for the sake of the children, and I try to carry on but on our anniversary it really hurt. At least once a year it would be nice to be shown a little love.
I’ve been married for 7 years and we are disagreeing/arguing more than getting along. He has the “it’s my way or the highway” attitude. If he does something wrong he never admits to it, he only shifts blame, saying he only did XYZ because I said ABC, ect. If I disagree with anything he says or if I have what he says is an attitude in my voice, he will respond by saying he is going to get so mean that I will end up calling the police on him if I don’t stop talking. He will then start insulting me and calling me names provoking a reaction from me, when I react he tells me that I need to get out of his house and out of his life. I have tried to leave many times after he has told me to leave, but he will hide all of the money and take all of the car keys so I cant leave all while he is telling me i need to leave. Its not always bad, but at this point the bad is outweighing the good. I don’t know what to do I have tried talking to him but he won’t listen and gets defensive and dismisses my feelings.
My husband doesn’t listen to me,doesn’t understand me but always finds faults in me..m tired of all this mess now.sometimes,it feels that I should come out of this marriage.feel very depressed
That sounds really painful. I really empathize with your pain and can recall being in partnerships where I didn’t feel valued, special, or deeply cared for.
Have you sought coaching or counseling to help you find your voice, get better at self-care, and become more secure? Usually a husband treats his wife correlative to how she accepts and expects. That isn’t always the case, but quite often it is. Regardless of why the issue happens, I have found – when women (or men) get clear on self-love, deep values and boundaries – they stop being disrespected or mistreated by most people and especially their partner.
My husband makes me worthless everyday, reminding me that I’m only In the house and he is the one who’s providing everything. Broke me deeply. I’m only staying because of our children.
Ouch! Your partner should respect you and care about you. What kind of things does he say to you? In what ways can you start to be empowered to ask him to treat you better? I am here to help via this chat and through my programs. I know you deserve better – and when you take a stand and get the love and respect you deserve you’ll also influence your children to choose something better. Sitting idly by and letting him treat you badly sets a bad example for your kids. What kids see, they do. When your kids watch you be treated badly and have it continue, it makes them think it’s what they should do. Even if the kids see you hurting, they watch and learn from what they’re watching. You deserve better. I hope you find ways to say, “I want to be treated with respect. Please say that differently.” If you need extra support, feel free to reply here and I’ll chat with you in the comments, and you’re also welcome to setup a free consultation session so I can be of deeper assistance in a complimentary session.
for the complimentary consultation session you can go here: https://lastingloveconnection.com/contact/
My husband tells me i cant discipline and im not a good mom but that im worthless
I’m really sorry to hear that. I know that has to really hurt. What you have tried to change things?
My husband makes me feel worthless. No matter how hard I try nothing I do is good enough for him. Today we fought over 5 dollars. I don’t earn so I have to depend on him for everything. I asked him for 5 dollars for a recipe book today and he immediately started telling me that I’m not gonna do anything out of that book. I didn’t know what to say. I was so hurt that I told me if I had a job I won’t be begging you for money. That triggered him and he immediately started telling me that I’m worthless all I do is sit around and do nothing. I’m trying so hard but I’m failing. And our marriage is failing.
My husband has accused me of having a affair which is not true I’ve been callled a liar I’ve said to him u don’t respect me he said well only think about myself all the time over talks me follows me around the house to carry on the argument than when it all calms down he than starts again on they same argument
It sounds like your partner is having some issues around trust and he’s pointing fingers. Since you know you didn’t cheat, it’s tough because your partner won’t trust you. I know that must really hurt. His actions towards you make it apparent there are some big issue brewing and I hope you two are able to resolve them. If you need extra support, feel free to reach out and schedule a complimentary couple’s consultation session. In cases like this, I know that the accusation is a symptom of something bigger – like trust issues that came from earlier and other relationships, trust and connection issues that make it hard for the partners to talk, and trust issues that make it hard to get along.
Why in this article was it never a possibility that she was worthless? There are lots of guys that bend over backwards while their wives do nothing. #evilwhitemenright?
I’ve never been one to label a woman or anyone ‘worthless.’ But I do know what you mean, sometimes our partner isn’t being a good spouse and it makes us upset, makes us react, and it triggers us. And yes, sadly, sometimes men (and women) bend over backward and do too much – those relationships can easily slip into independence and that takes a lot of work to change. Thanks for sharing Patrick.
That is because the title clearly states otherwise. This article is for women/partners who FEEL worthless. This is for help. Not to call out someone on being worthless. Why do people like you always have to make something bad out of something good? This article never was for people whose spouses are actually useless. You read the whole article and never for one second felt this article may not be the one you’re looking for? #STOPGETTINGOFFENDEDWHENPEOPLETRYTOHELPOUTWOMEN
My husband doesnt help me around the house at all. He is either in front of the tv or on his phone, or both. I must always ask for him to help with something. For me, helping with small things around the house without being asked all the time means much more to me than all the money in the world. Then he has an attitude if I ask him something. He doesnt even wait for me to finish my supper with him around the table. Gets up before Im even finish… no respect whatsoever
How does it go when you make a request for him to change?
If he hasn’t been receptive to your requests, it may help to request or even demand he and you go into counseling together. You deserve better and it’ll help to stand your ground and get the help of someone else to enhance the shifts you’d like to see.
My husband makes me feel worthless because he doesn’t listen. And we he doesn’t want to hear me anymore, he says, “okay, it’s enough.” It feels like a punch in the face. Basically, I annoy him every time I talk.
I feel this so much
Thank You for the literature. I’m sad and lonely. Married for 36 yrs. Today is Valentines Day and the husband wished his boss Happy Valentines Day b4 me. I was a bit taken back by this.
My husband makes me feel worthless, he can’t take me out make me feel special, he always tells how foolish I am, he doesn’t spend money on me, he doesn’t respect, love and care for me but to tell u the truth am tired of this mess
That’s rough! I’m so sorry that you’re not being treated like the special person that you are.
If I may ask, I’m curious – what can you do to make yourself feel special? I know this doesn’t fix him or the situation with him – but it’s one way to at least let yourself give yourself what you need.
I know that’s not enough.
Here’s an article I wrote that you may enjoy – how to make my husband attracted to me (and how to feel great) https://lastingloveconnection.com/how-to-make-my-husband-attracted-to-me/
I’ll also look and see if I have other resources. And feel free to schedule a complimentary consultation if you decide you’d like someone to speak with and have a coach guide you on cha gong this situation.