When You Hurt Someone You Love Here’s What To Do

When you hurt someone you love, it hurts.

If you’re asking yourself, “I hurt my husband emotionally, how do I fix it?” or “How do I mend things after hurting my wife?” know that you’re not alone.

As humans, we have this terrible habit – of hurting others. Most often, it’s not intentional. But when it happens, it creates a gap in the relationship.

When we hurt someone, or someone hurts us, there is usually one way to heal the hurt and repair the relationship. That way is doing it together through a process I’ll describe with my 5-step process for healing after we’ve hurt someone.

This related article answers the question, “What to do when you are hurt by someone you love?” When Someone You Love Hurts You

5 Steps For What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love

If you’re thinking, “I hurt someone very badly,” it’s normal to feel lost and unsure of what to do next.

Whether you’re dealing with clients, staff, your kids, your family members, your partner/spouse, or someone you barely know – the cleanup work looks the same.

Making amends after unintentionally hurting the ones you love always follows the same process.

Though we often resist going back, our ability to clean up the hurts we’ve caused is one of the signs of healthy relationships. The sooner we can mend the hurt we’ve caused, the sooner we can move forward and have a healthy and happy relationship.

The more time the other person feels hurt and angry, the more likely it becomes a more significant issue. As soon as possible, do the clean-up work and follow these steps to make it smoother.

So, how do we come back and talk about a wound caused after the fact?

How do you start rebuilding intimacy when your partner is heartbroken?

How do you move forward after unintentionally or intentionally hurting someone you love?

If you’re wondering how to deal with hurting someone you love, this article will help you find those answers.

Step one: Use a gentle approach to fix things

When you hurt someone’s feelings, the first step is gently approaching them.

Go and check in. Start with a phrase like, “I’m sorry I hurt you. Can we talk? I’d like to fix what happened.” This works for couples trying to fix a broken marriage and with friends, family, and co-workers.

According to Dr. John and Julie Gottman, when couples discuss a problem, it’s the first two minutes that matter most. This is why starting with a gentle approach works best. In the first two minutes, we can show empathy and help the person we’ve hurt know that we’re sorry and want to fix things.

In unhealthy and abusive relationships, people ignore the issues and don’t talk about them.

In healthy relationships, each person works to improve the relationship by learning from past heartbreak and mistakes.

You make an effort not to repeat the same patterns you may have had in a past relationship.

If you want to succeed in these crucial minutes, pay close attention to how you bring up a problem in your own life.

What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love? Pay Attention.

Next comes how we pay attention and listen to the emotions expressed by our romantic partner, family member, or best friend.

If you’ve hurt someone and start by addressing the problem with a combative attitude, it will likely lead to further conflict and make the situation worse. It won’t work out well if someone tells you they feel slighted, and you don’t empathize and listen.

Start with the gentle method I showed you, and then follow my next steps.

If someone responds to your request to talk by sharing that they feel sad because of hurtful words you said or a broken promise – you can help create healing by acknowledging that person.

Even if we don’t agree, we don’t have to launch into our own thoughts and feelings about the situation.

We can temporarily set aside our own pain in order to tune into our partner and better understand their perspective.

It can be challenging to know how to comfort someone you hurt or how to respond when someone tells you that you hurt them.

Oftentimes, the best thing to do is simply listen. Take a deep breath and say, “I hear you are feeling hurt. I am sorry about that. Please tell me more.”

Those few simple phrases are incredibly powerful and make just about anyone drop their defenses and make them willing to open up. But once they open up, you’ll need some other tools. Otherwise, it’s very easy for your own emotions to take over, which may lead to an argument.

Step two: Acknowledge what you’ve heard; it’ll de-escalate any situation  

We can easily de-escalate any painful emotions by merely acknowledging that we’ve heard our partner, friend, or coworker who feels hurt.

In Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s iconic book, Nonviolent Communication, he explains how powerful it is to simply acknowledge the painful emotions of the person hurt by us. It’s simple, powerful, and helps to create healing quickly.

What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love? Acknowledge Them.

We can acknowledge what we’ve heard by simply saying a phrase such as, “I hear that you feel (insert the emotion you heard).” Noting the emotion we heard the person express is like putting a pin in a balloon. It deescalates the situation. If you’re not well-versed in the language of emotions, let me share some common negative feelings that people tend to feel when there’s a problem.

A few common emotions are; hurt, frustration, anger, upset, or sad. If you’d like to master the art of listening profoundly, please read Dr. Rosenberg’s book. It’s worth its weight in gold.

To summarize the method, here are the steps of what to do when you hurt someone’s feelings:

Start by acknowledging that you’re aware you hurt the other person.

Tell the other person that you’d like to mend the wounds. You’d like to hear from them about how you can make things better. Let them know you’re aware there was some bad behavior that you’d like to change.

Ask if they’re open to fixing the problem. And if they’d allow you to listen to how they feel.

Listen to their response. Listen closely to the emotions.

Acknowledge their hurt feelings and the ways that your behavior affected them.

Taking responsibility for your actions shows your partner that you care about their perspective.

Follow up with questions and work to acknowledge their emotions and side of the issue.

Step three: Ask questions to move the healing along 

When we hear someone feels slighted by us, it’s easy to think we know what they mean.

However, assuming that we can read the other person’s mind is the wrong mindset to have.

It’s easy to react to what we’re hearing and what we think we heard, but oftentimes what we hear and what the other person is saying isn’t the same.

No matter how well I know what I heard, I’ve experienced misinterpreting on too many occasions to know better now. Instead of reacting, try asking a few questions. Use relationship check-in questions to help repair.

For a step-by-step guide to relationship check-ins, as well as a year-long relationship journal, pick up the Relationship Workbook.

In my experience, I’ve found that it’s pretty normal to hear one thing but have the other mean something else. In the same vein, I’ve also experienced someone reacting to one thing and later finding out they were upset about something completely unrelated.

What To Do When You Hurt Someone You Love? Empathize.

Empathizing and repeating what you’ve heard is the first line of de-escalation. Now, you can bring deeper clarity by asking questions. The key to healing is being heard and feeling like someone cares.

If our friend says, “I feel upset that you didn’t show up on time yesterday,” we can empathize and start the healing process. We can clarify with questions, and soon we can ask, “What is that you need?”

Asking questions shows we’re invested and interested in finding a solution. It shows we’re engaged in the process of resolving the issue.

When we empathize, we let the other person know we care, and when we ask questions, we communicate a deep sense of “I care.” That caring is the ultimate healing balm essential to fully helping sanitize the emotional hurt caused.

Step four: Ask what the need is 

Even though your partner may be feeling broken right now does not mean that they are a broken person.

Feeling emotionally broken points to an underlying need.

When someone says, “I feel upset that you said that to me,” they also say, “I have this need.” If we empathize and ask questions, we’ll often be able to find the need that is there, but not always, and by using questions, we can hear directly from our partner (coworker or friend). It’s likely they are trying to communicate something important about their personal limits, boundaries, or needs.

No healing conversation is complete until we hear what the other person needs. We open the pathway to resolving the problem when we ask what is needed.

Helping heal a past wound that we’ve caused is simple. It isn’t always easy, but it is simple. Empathize, ask questions, and ask what is needed.

Step five: If nothing changes, seek professional help

If you’re struggling to heal after hurt and move forward in your lives, reach out for professional support.

Your partner may still be holding onto hurt or anger, or you may be having a difficult time coping with the guilt of hurting somebody

As a relationship coach and marriage counselor, couples hire me to help them improve their communication.

Mending wounds isn’t always a two-person job; it takes the eye of a mental health professional.

If you try the steps above and struggle to find a solution, it might be time to consider hiring a professional.

While you may be wondering how to stop hurting the one you love, there isn’t a magic solution to do so.

The sad truth is that despite your desire to not cause your partner pain anymore, you are a human being, and nobody’s perfect.

There is no surefire way to make sure you don’t hurt the same person again. In fact, you most likely will.

However, in marriage counseling, you will learn the tools for repairing conflicts and mending hurts more quickly and with more ease.

No matter where in the world you’re at – I can help.

If you’re seeking a relationship coach or marriage counselor online – I am here to help. If you look at my Yelp Reviews page or my Google Reviews – you’ll find that I am highly rated.

We meet via Zoom, on your schedule, without a commute. Book a free marriage consultation today and start repairing your relationship.