My Husband Thinks He Does Nothing Wrong – What To Do Now?

“My husband thinks he does nothing wrong.” If you’re frustrated with this struggle, it isn’t easy to come to a resolution.

When I meet stubborn husbands who won’t own their share of the pie, I know the couple will struggle to find each other again in that space of love. 

If issues are present in your relationship, you need to remember: There are always two people. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. Sometimes, one person does more or less, but to resolve conflicts, you need both to own their part. 

If one person is too stubborn, your relationship can’t go anywhere. 

Today, I’d like to share some insights to help you move your partner from ‘never wrong’ to ‘I see what you mean.’ Ideally, this enables you to move from a toxic cycle of constantly fighting to create new habits that foster harmony. 

A Word Before We Continue

If you are here because you’re looking for a way for your partner to own 100% of the problem, you are in the wrong place. 

The goal here is to help both of you admit to your fair share of the problems in the relationship. That is the only way you can sincerely begin the healing process. 

When a relationship consists of two people who each own their flaws — there is more potential for a loving and long-lasting relationship. 

Before we dive in, let me add one more thing… 

Today’s advice is designed to improve things where you can — with yourself. 

Quite often, this complaint about husbands who don’t take ownership goes hand-in-hand with other issues. The goal here is to whittle away at this issue so we get to the source of the problem. — Most of the time, that means getting you and your spouse to listen to each other, take equal responsibility, resolve issues, and feel the love again. 

Now, let’s jump into the wrong ways of creating a co-committed relationship of equal ownership.

Blaming Doesn’t Work  

When someone blames you for something, it doesn’t incite an enthusiastic:

“Oh wow! Thank you for pointing that out. You are so right!” 

The truth is, none of us want to take all the blame for a situation. While blaming might make you feel better in the short term, in the long term, it creates hostility and causes more relationship problems down the road. 

When we blame one person, we create a toxic environment.

If your husband thinks he does nothing wrong… I know you’re emotionally charged up because of the problem and other stressors. 

You’re likely feeling like your husband ignores you and doesn’t listen to you, and that makes you feel worthless.

When we blame others, the person being blamed becomes defensive — even if they’re at fault. And so, you reach a stalemate where no one takes any blame, and nothing changes.

Your husband is likely blaming you, too. I know asking you to stop this pattern feels unfair. But in every instance where I’ve seen husbands say, “she’s at fault,” I know this sentiment of being blamed goes both ways. 

I know you may not feel it’s useful that I am telling you not to blame, but the goal here is to stop one side of the issue. As many experts have pointed out, blame breeds contempt and can lead to your husband becoming defensive. Because it’s only you reading this article, I can only speak with you right now. 

If we stop the blame game, even if it’s just on your end, we make it easier to shift things. 

Yelling Doesn’t Invite Ownership 

The other day, a couple called me seeking support. 

Within the first thirty minutes, the husband said: 

“If she would stop yelling, there would be no issues.” 

Of course, that sentence triggered his wife to get angry. She felt blamed. Next thing you know, they are blaming each other for the problems in their relationship. 

Something else is going on. 

A lack of sensitivity, understanding, consideration, and connection caused her anger. As she pointed out, being angry was starting to create health issues (there’s research to back up her point too). 

It’s Never Just Because “My Husband Thinks Does He Nothing Wrong”

The wife’s anger was not the only problem, but it was still a part of the issue. The bigger problem was how they managed their conflict as a couple. 

After listening to both of them, I gently asked the husband:  

“Do you think she yells because she’s upset or simply because she’s a mean person who wants to yell?” 

Thinking about my question, the husband replied, “Well, I know she’s upset with me. It’s just really hard to listen when she screams at me. When she yells, I can’t stay calm. So, I leave the room when she does that.” 

Both of them are to blame in this situation. The situation would change immensely if both people said, “You’re right, I do this, and you do that. We are both creating this issue together.” 

If you can avoid yelling at each other, you’ll prevent the situation from escalating further. And to be clear, I know it’s not the main problem, but it’s part of the mechanics that cause constant fighting. 

You may have already tried calm words and feel you’re out of options. I get that. But yelling creates hijacked nervous systems that go into fight or flight and won’t help you find a connection or resolution or get what you want.  

I know you feel the urge to yell, but see if you can stop it. If you feel like screaming, take a break. Get some space. Sometimes, you must remove yourself from the situation to get what you want — communication and resolution.

Demanding That He See Your Point Of View 

When we get angry, we get an impulse to demand. 

“You don’t hear me” is often followed by yelling and demands. 

But more often than not, making demands when you or your husband is angry never works. It makes both of you feel worse, and it could cause bitterness. 

How To Work Together When My Husband Thinks He Does Nothing Wrong

A husband who thinks does nothing wrong will try to validate his experience by pointing out what his wife does.  He’ll say things like, “She yells. Screams. Calls me names. Says nasty things. Withholds sex. And I’m tired of it!”  Maybe he even says, “No matter what I do, my wife hates me!”

Maybe you have tried to get your husband to see your point of view, and each time you find that he retorts by pointing out what you do. 

These circular patterns have to be stopped. Otherwise, you only have two people yelling at each other and not listening. 

No one wins, and both people suffer. 

Though you might not realize it, I am confident your partner is hurting too.

No matter who we are, all of us want to live happy lives. 

As a partner, you must stop demanding that your spouse see, hear, or understand you — especially while yelling. 

This advice alone won’t make the difference but chips away at part of the issue. 

In this video, I share how you can bring up issues with your husband so he hears you

Avoid Giving Ultimatums Or Else… 

When most partners use ultimatums, they are just empty threats. But they solve nothing, and sadly, only escalate the situation. 

Along with adding more pain, ultimatums rarely work. And sadly, they usually cause both people to feel more disconnected, angry, and distant. 

If you can, stop using ultimatums — especially harmful ones like threatening divorce, your relationship will be safer from being hijacked. 

When we use these ultimatums, we tend to blow things out of proportion and end up with more repair work. It then takes months to fix the damage that was done.  

When you feel deeply hurt by your partner, you may feel the urge to say things like:

“If you don’t change, I’ll leave.” 

“That’s it, we are getting divorced.” 

While I understand the intent, the outcome doesn’t add up. Usually, this adds to your husband’s conviction and hurts both of you. 

Instead of using ultimatums, try saying things like: 

“Let’s get into counseling. If we keep going like this, we will keep hurting each other.” 

“Our marriage is suffering, and I know you feel the same. Maybe I can better hear you and understand why you’re angry by having someone help us.” 

“Let’s try a program, course, or something new because what we are doing right now is not working.” 

“I’d like to share more with you about what kind of emotional intimacy I need to feel connected.”

Trying to offer solutions instead of ultimatums, and you’ll find your relationship can improve much faster. And you’ll prevent it from deteriorating completely. 

Pressuring Him To Own His Faults

Most of us don’t respond well to pressure. This is especially true when we are pushed in ways we don’t want to move. 

Pain can motivate, but it’s usually the antithesis of connection in marriages. 

Quite often, angry spouses combine pressure with very painful ultimatums. 

“Change, or we’ll get divorced.” 

Even if you don’t go through with the divorce, the words sting and leave hidden wounds. 

If you want to use pressure, I’d like to encourage you to try this out: 

“When we keep going in this pattern, it continues our pain. I need us to find a new way to be together.”

“I don’t want to lose this relationship, but I’m hurting. Would you be willing to get couples coaching?” 

“I know you’re upset with me and want me to change. I want us both to change.”

These phrases still point to the pain, but they are not ultimatums. They don’t feel like threats. Instead, you are simply calling out the situation. 

You may have already tried this. If so, you can move on to the next section. If you have not tried this, I recommend giving it a try. 

Related Reading: I Hate My Husband, Do We Stand A Chance? & I Think My Husband Hates Me

A Story About A Husband Who Swore He Did Nothing Wrong

In one couple’s session, I did recently, it started with two distant people. 

An upset wife. And a distant husband. 

One partner lamented that his wife was always yelling. 

In turn, she complained that he couldn’t take any responsibility. 

Both were fed up with each other. 

I knew I needed to get the couple back in the same boat. 

While the wife was angry, I could tell the first step to help the couple find harmony again was to help them own both of their parts in the conflict. 

The wife knew that she contributed to the issues. She yelled, called him names, complained that she didn’t feel heard… and blamed him. 

But, the part also needed to change was the husband. 

The husband was adamant that he did nothing wrong. He believed the issue was all her. As he spoke about how it was all her, she cried. She felt broken. 

While listening, I started to guide the husband into a process that would give him new eyes. 

Inch by inch, word by word, he started to say things that changed his wife’s defeated look. 

“She gets really upset, and maybe there’s something I can do to change that.” 

One advantage I have when speaking with husbands is that I, too, am a husband.  And so, I understand the psychology of men. 

As we spoke, the husband shifted and asked:

“If we are both a part of the problem, then what do I need to do?” 

It’s this question that led to many more sessions. Week after week, the husband tried to see what he couldn’t see before. Meeting him man-to-man helped immensely. 

What A Husband Realizing He is Wrong Can Do

Sitting through each session, he started to see that he was there every time his wife was angry. 

He was beginning to see the shared experience that both people were in pain resulting from a chain reaction. 

A month later, the husband started to say things like,  “Honey, I see how I upset you. Can you tell me what I can do to help make it better?” And other things like, “I need to cool off. I need some time alone so I can hear you better.”

The husband started to realize that he could be wrong.

I’m happy to report that despite the wife’s feelings that her husband would never change — he’s started to own his side. 

Their relationship is different now. 

Both people must work together to create a change like this. 

The husband made changes, and so did his wife. They solved the issue together by communicating openly.

Just like them, you can have the relationship you want. You have to take the first steps.

Repairing your relationship isn’t easy, but it can be done. If you need further support, get a couple’s consultation or check out one of my other offerings. I also offer my course, couple’s group, or couple’s sessions. 

My Last Piece Of Advice

If this issue has been around for a long time — I always recommend you contact a couple’s counselor or relationship coach. To speak with me, you can book a complimentary couples consult.  

You can get help individually or as a couple. But whatever you do, take action as soon as you can. This issue, if unattended to, will only make things worse. 

You are not to blame, but if you are here, you want to do something about the problem. It’s best to attend sessions as a couple, but if you or your partner is not ready for that, you can always start alone. 

Having a husband who thinks he does nothing wrong is tremendously complex. Having someone support you as a couple and take responsibility makes the journey much more accessible. 

Related Article: 7 Marriage Intimacy Exercises 

When you don’t have to guide, educate, and ask for things, it takes a considerable part of the burden off you. If you like, feel free to reach out. You can work with me directly or find someone by searching for online coaches or therapists.

The Save Your Marriage Course will help you navigate your relationship problems. With the workbook, you can find your way back to love.