I Hate My Husband – Does My Marriage Stand a Chance?

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Luis, “I Hate My Husband.” 

These are words that I’ve heard often. 

Damaging words. 

And mirrors of a marriage in pain. A disconnected couple. 

Hating your husband and not wanting to be together aren’t always the same. I learned the root of the problem is not hate. Instead, the problem stems from unattended grievances, upsets, unmet needs, and residual relationship resentment.

It’s Not Hate; It’s Hurt

Right now, you likely feel certain that you hate your partner. I don’t want to take that anger from you. I know that quite often, that hate is a large mound of hurt. 

Let me tell you a story about my clients, David and Catherine. They got married five years ago. But, unfortunately, Catherine has been growing more and more discontent with her husband. 

“He never brings me to the movies anymore.”

“I always come home to piles of dirty dishes, and he doesn’t know how to clean up!.”

“We don’t talk anymore, and he’s always focused on the playoffs when he comes home.”

“I always feel angry with him.”

Do these sound a bell? I’m sure they do. But, unfortunately, these kinds of complaints occur to couples more often than we want to admit. And usually, the little things summed up together over time cause a ticking time bomb.

If you’re wondering, “Is it normal to hate your husband?”

The answer is: it happens. You feel hurt, disappointed, or even angry.

You’re thinking, ‘I really dislike my husband’, and that is entirely valid.

Most couples, even the stronger and lasting ones, experience this kind of trouble at one point, but when you feel you hate your partner — it’s a big red flag. The upsets and grievances have been building for too long. 

Related Article: What To Do if My Husband Yells at Me?

When Hating Your Husband Puts You in Misery

Admit it. Hating your husband puts you in deep agony. You feel your…

chest tightens every time you think of the dishes your husband didn’t do

heartbreak when he forgets about your anniversary

loneliness when he neglects you

resentment when he wants sex but not intimacy 

It gnaws on you and hurts you. 

These emotions that shake you, make you feel hurt, angry, and everything else are good things to notice. However, your relationship is in trouble if you feel these negative emotions too much. That is not how love is supposed to be. 

“I Hate My Husband” Hurts Both of You

In my experience working with spouses like you, I’ve found your husband likely feels the same despair. 

it’s likely your partner feels deeply hurt as well.

Maybe he has started to sense ‘my wife hates me.’

When you two constantly bicker, you are putting more distance between yourselves and invalidating each other. 

When someone says they hate their spouse — it’s a sign the couple makes each other feel lousy, inadequate, feel worthless, unloved, or uncared for.

These are the opposite of what you want to feel in love. 

As painful as it sounds, your marriage starts to break when you enter this phase. 

Related Article: Signs He Doesn’t Love You

It’s Never too Late to Stop Feeling Like “I Hate My Husband”

Thankfully even at the breaking point, you two can still do something to save your marriage. 

As long as you are both willing to work and make compromises, there is a way to get out of the rut. I’m not saying it is easy. What I’m saying is that it’s possible to overcome the hurt, hate, and despair. It is possible to rebuild your relationship, which is worth every effort.

Rebuilding a marriage from the shambles of disrespect, emotional neglect, and unsealed wounds takes time. 

You can start the journey alone, or you can do it together. Of course, being together is ideal, but there is a chance to turn things around even if you must begin alone. 

How Do I Save My Marriage If I Despise My Husband?

Here are the steps to take if you feel like “I really hate my husband.”

Acknowledge The Problem

Before you start acting on your current situation, you need to acknowledge that there is a problem. Only then can you proceed with finding the motivation to resolve the conflict. 

Remember, the person on the other side is not your enemy but the person you chose to marry.

Acknowledge there is a problem and tips for a healthy relationship

 

Accept That Your Feelings of Hating Your Husband Are Valid

Marriage is not a bed of roses. Anyone who has been married can definitely and matter of factly tell you that. There are times when there’s nothing more satisfying than just smacking your husband in the head. Ask Catherine… or my wife! She’s been in that predicament 😉

Part of growing as a couple is learning how to adapt to each other. In the process, you might feel frustration, irritation, and hate. 

Do a Self-Check

Another thought that I would like for you to consider is doing a self-check. So many times, we unintentionally project our negative feelings to our spouses. 

I am sometimes guilty of that. When pressure builds up in other parts of my life, I sometimes become short, snappy, and not so friendly with those I love. Although unintentional, it is extremely unfair. 

I tried to be more self-aware to solve this, and I asked my wife to be my accountability partner. By doing this, she can give me a nudge when I’m starting to stray off the tracks. 

Communication Is Key

When we start to hate our partner, it’s clear that the communication is off. Things are not good. 

Along with hate, you might feel:

• Disrespected 
• Underappreciated 
• Undesired
• Not heard 
• Put down 
• Alone 
• Sad

These are all issues that need to be communicated and spoken about. 

To open a way for reconnection, both of you need to find a channel of communication… The difficult emotions of hate signal how you feel treated is an issue. 

You and your partner must set aside time to address the little gripes and the big wounds. Tell your partner your desires and expectations, and learn to listen and understand. 

Perhaps you have tried to communicate your feelings to your husband, and he immediately becomes defensive.

In this case, consider seeking the support of a relationship coach who can guide you in having these difficult conversations.

Related Article: Relationship Check In Questions

Pursue Your Marriage with Intention

One of the keys to a successful marriage is being intentional. Successful couples are not together just because they were compatible from the beginning. Compatibility indeed plays a huge part in the start of a relationship. However, we are also constantly evolving. Therefore, our relationship and how we handle it should also progress, but that only happens if we take time to assess why we’re searching online about hating our husband.

Related Article: How To Fix A Broken Relationship: 7 Steps To Get Back On Track

Fight Hatred Towards Your Husband at the Root

If you tackle the root of your relationship problems, you’ll discover that there is much more than just dirty dishes, missed dates, or cold wars. Your anger reflects your hurt, which sits on top of disappointments, unmet needs, and unfulfilled longings.

It’s these pain points that you and your partner need to address. You feel hate because you are not heard, are not getting the help in the home you want, and you think things aren’t fair. There are many reasons why you might be feeling like ‘I can’t stand my husband’ — and by taking time with your partner to address the issues at their root, the more you’ll find resolutions.  

Fighting hate at the root is like treating the disease instead of just dealing with the symptoms.

Related Article: I Think My Husband Hates Me

Invest in Your Marriage

You have to treat your relationship with your spouse as an investment. If you put the effort into yourself, you should also do the same with your marriage. In the same way, you consult a doctor when you’re physically ill. You should also prioritize consulting with a professional at the first signs of trouble.

If you want my support in getting you through these challenging situations, pick up the Save Your Marriage Workbook. We’re here to help because we care about you, and we care about your marriage.