It’s not uncommon for a wife to ask me, “How to make my husband attracted to me again?”
“What do I do to make my husband want me again?”
“How do I become more desirable to my husband?”
And now, after helping over 1,000 couples repair their marriages, I’ve learned there are nine ways to bring that spark back.
Use this list to help you bring that spark back, create more spark, and remember – when things feel off, the best step is to talk about your feelings.
In this list, you’ll also notice a mix of things you can do alone and things you and your partner can do to bring the physical attraction back. So mix it up and try to hit a bit of each.
Feeling attractive can be boosted when you give yourself what you need. By taking some time to focus on yourself, you’ll find that when you feel sexier, healthier, and more pleasure, it’ll make your husband respond in kind.
Since most of us are attracted to people with healthy energy and enthusiasm and who exude fun – some of the advice here is about helping you re-engage those feelings for you and you only.
Table of Contents
How to make my husband attracted to me again #1: Share how you feel (without blame)
The common phrase of happy couples is:
“Communicate. Communicate. And communicate.”
If you’re feeling your husband is no longer attracted to you – let him know.
Interview with Kathlyn Hendricks, one of the co-authors of Conscious Loving, on expressing yourself
Unlike dating, where you may have succeeded by playing games, hiding things, or playing cat-and-mouse – marriage is about intimacy and letting your partner in. Let your husband in and tell him how you’ve been feeling and make sure to throw a clear and concise request. By sharing your feelings and asking for what you want, you can give him a chance to meet your needs.
Quite often, just sharing what you’re feeling will help you reconnect.
Give him a shot to know what’s happening.
Communicate that you haven’t felt his physical attraction towards you.
As a result, you feel emotionally neglected.
For example, your husband makes you feel worthless.
You may even question if he still loves you.
You can phrase it as ‘not his fault’ but instead that you haven’t been feeling attractive or wanted.
By making sure you don’t blame him, you’ll give space for him to share too.
Maybe he’s been wrapped up with work, worried about his parents, worried about the kids, anxious about finances.
Sharing your feelings without saying hurtful things or attacking him will help him receive and hear you.
Here’s an excellent way to let him know how you’ve been feeling
- I don’t feel like you’re attracted to me.
- Maybe it’s not on purpose. I’m sure you have a lot on your mind these days.
- I haven’t felt like you’re really into me. I’m not blaming you. I just want you to know how I feel.
- Could you tell me how you find me sexy more often? Maybe grab me and kiss me. Surprise me with flowers, or do those little things you used to do to show me I turned you on? It would mean a lot to me.
As you’ll notice, this way of phrasing things lets him know how you feel without blame. It also makes a request – maybe take me out, kiss me more, or do things you know make me feel sexy.
If you’re not sure about the best ways your husband makes you feel his desire, here are some ideas from my female clients.
Some ideas and ways that he can make you feel sexy
- Hug you more often (physical touch fuels physical attraction, passion, and connection).
- Kiss you more. Maybe your partner can give you a long kiss when he gets home from work.
- Schedule a date night to show you he’s interested in having fun together.
- Hold you and tell you that he loves you.
- Send you sweet texts throughout the workday.
- Ask you how you’re doing.
- Hold your hand when you go on walks.
These are just some ideas to help you consider what makes you feel desired by your husband. Just one idea can be enough to help your man orient himself and focus on making you feel his love and desire.
Although it’s likely not what you wanted, this first step is the best. In marriage, sharing what is going on in your head and heart is the key to deeper intimacy and connection.
Related Reading: Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me
How to make my husband attracted to me again #2: Bring sexy back
If you’re wondering ‘how can I arouse my husband’, consider what makes you feel sexy and confident.
Monotony, routine, and comfort can kill desire like nothing else.
Wake up. Eat. Go to work. Get the kids. Cook dinner. Have some downtime, and go to bed.
And then do it all again.
Routine and monotony kill sexual attraction faster than a stinky fart.
Bringing the fire back in your marriage requires shaking things up a bit.
If you don’t feel your husband doesn’t want you, likely, it didn’t happen overnight.
Like a slow drizzle, that feeling of not being wanted descended slowly until one day, you realized the sex wasn’t as frequent, and the desire evaporated.
Bringing that spark back into your sexual life means you have to shake things up.
Feeling sexy isn’t just about what your husband does or doesn’t do – it’s also about you.
Bring sexy back by doing something to bring sexy back for yourself.
How to make my husband want me again: do what makes you feel confident and sexy
- Get a new haircut.
- Hit the gym.
- Buy a new fragrance.
- Get a facial.
- Get a massage.
- Wear things that you feel awesome in.
- Play fun music and dance your heart out.
Do something that helps you feel good about your physical appearance.
Bring that feeling of aliveness and sexiness back for you.
Being sexy is a two-way street. If you feel it, others respond to it.
Give yourself the gift of whatever you need to bring that feeling of the sexy back so you feel it for yourself.
Note for Moms: This little action is especially important for those busy moms who have been in sweatpants and comfy housewares.
To reignite the passion and intimacy in your relationship, pick up the Lasting Love Connection Relationship Workbook.
How to make my husband attracted to me again #3: Get interested in yourself
Someone once told me:
Attractive people are those with deep passions and big interests.
People who draw us in are passionate about their own lives.
Similarly, boring people have very little to share and aren’t deeply passionate about something.
If your marriage feels like it’s gotten stale, it could be because you lost sight of your creative passions somewhere along the way.
Many marriages get stagnant for one of two reasons
There’s not enough time together or not enough time apart.
Striking that balance is very hard for most couples.
In most cases, a bit of time together and a bit of time apart helps remedy the lack of physical attraction.
During the time together, couples can do certain things (more on that later), and during the time apart, you can do certain things to attract your husband.
If you’re wondering ‘how to get your husband to notice you sexually,’ get interested in yourself
Being more interested in yourself, your hobbies, and your creative expression is one way to ramp up the physical attraction factor in your marriage.
In many marriages, I’ve seen husbands lose their turn-on for their wives because wives lose themselves in the relationship or just set aside those interests that made them alluring and attractive.
Just think about it this way:
When you first met your husband, his hobbies and interests likely made him sexy. Maybe he had big aspirations and told you about them. But, on the other hand, maybe he was writing a novel, starting a business, working hard to get a promotion, or doing something else that made him attractive.
Whatever your husband was like when you first met, you’ll notice that his passion and aspirations made him sexy.
Similarly, your passions, interests, and goals make you sexy too
When wives have their interests, hobbies, and things they’re fascinated by, they increase their sense of joy, belonging, independence, and happiness, which increases their husband’s sense of physical attraction to their wives.
It’s natural that with commitment, kids, and marriage – you may have lost sight of the things that make you enthusiastic about yourself. So if you’re asking how to be irresistible to your husband – this is one key to unlocking that desire.
Get interested in your passions, hobbies, and interests again.
All of us are drawn to people turned on by their passion and goals – that’s why actors, artists, poets, and singers are so attractive. Their spark is in their passion. The same goes for you – the more you’re into you, the more you will get that ‘into you’ response from the world.
To help you get into yourself a bit more, try out these questions (try journaling your answers)
- Are there interests and hobbies you’ve left behind?
- What’s your bucket list?
- Is there a class or event you’ve wanted to check out?
- Have you looked at Groupon Events or other event lists to see if there’s something new to check out?
Go explore your interests. Try going alone, with a friend, or show up and make friends there.
Your marital happiness depends on how much you build a meaningful, happy life and express your joy in the world – not just in marriage but in other areas.
A little personal example:
Even in my relationship, I’ve noticed that physical attraction can wax and wane based on what I do for myself and my creative expression.
For example, I observed that I am more attractive to my wife when expressing my highest potential. It excites her to see me creating and engaging in my passions. Somehow my passion for my own life seeps into our marriage. She’s noticed that when I am alive for myself, it feeds our marriage. And in the same way, when I feel dead inside, the marriage tends to wilt in passion and excitement. For this reason, we’ve both learned that we must feed what makes us feel alive. Our marital joy depends on it.
How to make my husband attracted to me again #4: Raise the endorphins and happiness hormones
Did you know that a few hours at the gym is akin to a few hours with a therapist?
Did you also know that working out increases happiness hormones?
That’s right!
Working out is an incredible way to boost your self-esteem and feel confident and sexy.
While he may not notice the shift right away – you will.
While you may initially hit the gym to attract your husband, you’ll find that you feel more attracted to you. And as you know, when you feel better, everything else follows.
To get the benefits, you don’t have to go crazy.
A simple workout like walking for 30 minutes or hitting the gym for light cardio and/or weights can do wonders.
When you increase those happiness hormones and endorphins and feel more at home in your beautiful sexy body – the more you’ll exude that confidence and grab your husband’s attention.
How can I be more sexually attractive to my husband: passion creates attraction
Just like research has shown that there are neurons in our brain that make us mirror the emotions that we see in others, our excitement and passion create a stimulus to make others attracted to us.
Working out is one speedy way to boost the production of the happiness hormones that make us feel and exude sexiness – which will activate and stimulate those neurons in your partner too.
A side note: Men are physical creatures. When you start working out, he’ll likely notice your body changing and feel a difference in your energy. All this can work to stir physical attraction, desire and physical passion.
How to make my husband attracted to me again #5: Get in touch with your pleasure
It is said, “women respond, and men lead.”
I disagree.
Even in traditional marriages where a man runs the household, men still respond to their wives. No matter how masculine he is, a man is still a responsive being who will feel and react to the world around him.
When a woman is in touch with her pleasure, it helps her husband respond.
When a woman knows her pleasure and exudes it, it helps bring that feeling out of the man.
And when I was working with a couple who wanted to bring that spark of sexuality back into their marriage, it came out that their sex life was nearly dead. As I inquired, the husband said to me:
“She just lays there like a corpse.
She doesn’t seem to enjoy it, so I’ve stopped showing her my desire.”
To which his wife replied that he didn’t seem to try to make her feel sexy or wanted. Then they spun into a typical argument where it was his fault, her fault, and no, neither could admit they both played a role.
Of course, with my help, they could open their eyes. The lack of intimacy came from how the husband treated his wife and how she responded to him and his desire.
The wife shared that she often felt dead inside in that conversation. She wasn’t experiencing pleasure, delving into her emotions, and she felt closed off to pleasure.
The extra effort pays off.
Breaking this pattern wasn’t fixed by one suggestion but rather by combining various things. Yet, one key thing pertains to this article that helps couples who have sexless marriages.
For the wife, that one thing was helping her get in touch with her pleasure. Helping her open to her emotions so the current of pleasure could wake up and be alive in her body again.
If you’ve ever experienced a good cry, a laugh that invigorates, or a talk that helped you ‘get it all out – you know what I mean. Getting in touch with your feelings, aliveness, and pleasure is part of the road back to getting your husband to feel that passion with you.
Some ways to help you wake up to your pleasure is to try:
- Journal about your feelings (jot down the good, the bad, the ugly, the painful, and the joy)
- When you feel pain or find yourself holding back tears – get curious.
- Give each of your emotions space to breathe. Set a timer and notice the feelings that arise moment by moment. Let them be.
- Create a playlist that makes you feel deeply and dance to it. Then, move to those songs that make you feel and let yourself move and shake those emotions (dance therapy is a real thing).
- Call a counselor and start talking to an objective party about what’s happening in your personal life. (Talk therapy will help loosen up and shake up those stuck emotions).
- Get a sex toy and try out self-masturbation (if that isn’t of value or interest to you, you don’t have to do this).
- Consider your sexual fantasies or what you might be interested in trying with your partner.
- Take a hot bath, put on soft music, and do some light meditation or just breathing to help you relax.
The ways you can find pleasure are endless. As one of my peers wrote in her book, The Multi-Orgasmic Diet…
“A woman’s ability to feel pleasure is about her connection with herself. It’s not just about sex, but rather, it’s about a woman being in touch with her curiosity, aliveness, and pleasure.”
How to make my husband attracted to me again #6: Turn on the positives
Want to revitalize a marriage?
Want to increase physical attraction and joy?
Easy.
Take the time to tell your partner how you appreciate him.
I am sure you’ve noticed that when your partner compliments, appreciates you, and is paying attention to your efforts, it makes you feel good. That’s no accident. Scientific research has shown – verbal compliments increase shared happiness. Praise makes us feel better. And it feels incredible to be celebrated.
To help increase the desire in your marriage, turn on the positives.
When one partner takes the other for granted, it eats away at a happy marriage like a tumor to a healthy body.
Luckily, the cure for this common ailment of a failing marriage is quite simple.
Start giving more verbal attention to what is going well in your marriage.
Even great, good, or terrible marriages benefit tremendously by increasing verbal praise.
If you’re not sure what to compliment, thank, or praise your partner for – here are some ideas:
- Did he do the dishes? *Tell him that you appreciate it.
- Did he make your coffee? *Let him know you love that he thought of you.
- Did he pay the bills? *Share how you appreciate how he handles finances.
- Did he cook dinner? *Verbally let him know that you enjoyed the meal.
- Did he fix something? *Express in words what it meant to you.
- Has he said something nice to you (or your kids)? *Take notice and tell him.
- Has he grown in some way over the past month or years?
- Has he done something for you that you appreciate?
Make eye contact with your husband and tell him whatever you notice that is good, helpful, or special. Praise turns up the turn-on in marriages. As you do this, you’ll likely notice that it increases all those ‘feel good’ feelings vital to physical intimacy, sexual desire, and healthy marriages.
Additionally, consider how you can show your husband love and appreciation through your actions.
Even small gestures can work wonders for keeping the spark alive in a marriage.
You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to show your husband you value him.
Try a simple gesture like writing him a sweet note or cooking his favorite meal.
How to make my husband attracted to me again #7: Encourage his dreams
A downtrodden man is a low-turn-on man.
Not everyone knows this, but husbands thrive best when they feel their wives are proud of them.
There’s not much more that makes a man feel great, like knowing his wife supports him and is proud of him.
How to keep your husband attracted to you
By increasing verbal appreciation, you’ll increase his happiness. And by supporting his dreams, you’ll also help feed his self-esteem.
Who doesn’t like to feel loved, valued, and supported?
All of us thrive and feel better when we feel there’s someone who knows what we’re worth (and tells us).
In the now-iconic relationship book titled The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, he shares that some people need verbal praise more than others. For some people, it’s their primary way of feeling loved. For some, it’s more or less critical, but verbal acknowledgment is essential for a healthy relationship.
Sometimes husbands don’t show their passion and desire because they feel a lack of being supported, heard, and appreciated. If you add more encouragement and praise, you may find it helps bring your partner closer, which in turn heats things up.
How to make my husband attracted to me again #8: Schedule a fun date night together
Just about every couple can benefit by scheduling time together.
Many couples fall into a comfortable routine of household chores and watching movies, and quality time together gets put on the back burner.
Date nights are a wonderful way to show your partner you care. It’s also an excellent opportunity to get dressed up, go out, have fun, and be together.
A consistent date night is a way for you to bring together this whole list. On your date nights, you can share your new interests, talk about new insights, and bring out that new sexy you worked hard to get, and it’s a way to appreciate your partner.
If you need ideas for unique dates and fun outings, pick up the Lasting Love Connection Workbook
With this hands-on guide, you’ll never run out of fresh ways to spend time together and keep things exciting.
Then during that outing, you can try out the couple’s game that thousands of couples have test-driven (backed by science). Get the Intimacy Game
Show your partner you want him by planning a fun outing or surprise date.
Often, wives forget that it’s okay for them to take the lead. But even in gender-norm relationships, research shows that passion can be sparked when wives take the lead. Likewise, men appreciate it when their wives plan outings, take charge in the bedroom, and show their man a good time.
Seeing how much effort you put in to make him feel special can go a long way in igniting physical attraction and passion.
Related Reading: 37 Creative Date Night Ideas
How do you know if the spark is gone in a relationship?
Signs that indicate the spark in a relationship is fading include a decrease in physical or sexual intimacy, being stuck in a predictable routine, lack of emotional connection, and loss of interest in each other. Thankfully, there are steps you can take to infuse passion and excitement back into your love life.
Why has my husband lost interest in me sexually?
It’s possible your husband’s lack of interest in being sexually intimate is due to stress and fatigue, health problems, body image concerns, or an excessive interest in watching porn. Alternatively, it could be due to unresolved relationship problems or a lack of quality time, novelty, and excitement in the relationship.
What does lack of intimacy do to a woman?
When there is a lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship, many women experience loneliness, lower self-confidence, insecurity about their physical appearance, emotional distance, and decreased overall relationship satisfaction. If a lack of physical intimacy is causing significant distress in your marriage, seek the support of a relationship expert who will help you navigate these issues.
How do I make my husband sexually attracted to me again?
If you’re wondering how to attract husband physically, use these tips: 1. Initiate open communication about how you feel. 2. Prioritize spending quality time together. 3. Engage in self-care; eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. 4. Spice things up in your sex life (try a new sex position or role-play). 5. Seek couples counseling.
This was actually great to read because it opened my eyes to how much I don’t do a lot of the things in my marriage that I should in all fairness. I got a better picture of how I could actually be making him feel less than a man. Not just with my comments but my actions as well. I recommend anyone who thinks they’re perfect & their partner is the bad one or one at fault, please look in the mirror & evaluate yourself flaws & all; then ask yourself how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot! Now that’s a hard pill to swallow owning up to your mishaps, yet a lesson that everyone needs to except. Now my relationship has a different outlook than before, thank you & thank God for giving us the option to change things before it’s to late!