If you want to know how to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship, you’re in the right place.
Many couples find themselves stuck in a draining cycle of arguing. Whether you are having the same fight repeatedly or arguing about little things, this article provides strategies to stop fighting and start listening to each other.
Table of Contents
What causes constant fighting in a relationship?
First, let’s explore common reasons why couples get stuck in a cycle of fighting.
Poor communication
Clear communication is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
When you or your partner struggle to communicate effectively, misunderstandings often arise and can quickly escalate into arguments.
For instance, if you forget to inform your partner that you will be working late and won’t be home for dinner, they may become frustrated, which can lead to an argument.
Unresolved issues
If you and your partner have left past relationship problems unresolved, they may resurface and perpetuate fights.
For instance, you may have had incidences of hiding things from each other or repeated lying that you’re still harboring hurt from.
Avoiding problems allows tension and resentment to keep building.
When negativity exists between you, even a minor thing can quickly become a big fight.
Unmet needs
Another potential reason you and your partner are always fighting is unmet emotional or physical needs.
For example, you might feel like your husband wants sex but not intimacy, or you suspect your wife isn’t attracted to you.
When one or both of you is dissatisfied or unfulfilled, it can lead to hurt and frustration, escalating into intense arguments.
Different conflict styles
If you and your partner cannot stop arguing, different conflict styles may be at play.
Regardless of the original issue, how you handle conflict can clash and escalate things.
For example, your partner may want to talk through an issue immediately, while you tend to avoid conflict.
At the first sign of a potential fight, your partner might become more expressive while you shut down or even flee to avoid arguments.
Without understanding why you and your partner react the way you do, disagreements can lead to more misunderstandings, frustration, and distance between you.
External stressors
Work stress, finances, and family problems can spill over into your relationship.
When overtired or overstressed, you or your partner may be more likely to pick fights than you would otherwise.
How to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship in 6 steps
Now, we’ll guide you through ending the negative cycle of fights in your relationship.
These six steps give you strategies to de-escalate conflicts, communicate effectively, and feel heard.
How to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship #1: Take a break when things get heated
If you and your partner find yourselves getting into an argument or a heated discussion, take a break and return to the conversation later.
During an argument, you may experience your heart racing, shallow breathing, muscle tension, or an upset stomach.
These are signs that you are outside your window of tolerance.
Your nervous system is dysregulated in this state, making it impossible to have a productive conversation.
If you continue to discuss things when you or your partner are outside your window of tolerance, you are more likely to say hurtful words in the heat of the moment that you’ll later regret.
Therefore, when you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, let your partner know and hit the pause button.
When you take a break, spend time doing something calming and return to the conversation when you’re both feeling calm.
How to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship #2: Communicate your feelings without blame
When you and your partner argue, you likely find yourselves caught in a cycle of accusations and blame.
It’s easy to blame your partner for what they’re not doing and express anger towards them.
However, to end this negative cycle of fighting, you need to take your focus off your partner’s actions and look inward.
When you feel frustration rising, take a moment to stop and acknowledge your feelings.
For many people, anger is the go-to emotion that comes up, when in reality, what lies underneath are other emotions like deep hurt, rejection, sadness, or fear.
Instead of reacting impulsively, process your feelings and what is triggering them.
Then, communicate your feelings to your partner using “I” statements.
Avoid hurtful comments about your partner’s character.
Rather than saying, “You always do this” or “You never do this,” focus on your own experience.
For instance, you could say, “I feel hurt when…” or “I’m afraid because…”
Expressing your emotions in this way is vulnerable and scary.
However, shifting from blame to letting yourself be seen keeps your partner from becoming defensive.
They can stop defending their case and let their guard down, too.
How to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship #3: Seek to understand your partner’s perspective
After you’ve shared your feelings with your partner, listen attentively to their response.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that your perspective is correct (and by default, your partner’s is wrong).
This mentality prevents you from truly hearing your partner.
Instead of looking for what’s right or wrong, remind yourself that you and your partner have a different way of seeing things, and both of your opinions and feelings are valid.
Try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and considering why they might feel the way they do.
Also, asking questions can be helpful and allows you to better grasp where your partner is coming from.
The Marriage Course can guide you and your partner to a deeper understanding.
How to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship #4: Take responsibility
After your partner shares their point of view, it’s natural to feel the urge to defend yourself.
But becoming defensive will only add fuel to the fire, making your partner feel ignored and alone.
Instead, take a deep breath and choose to respond differently.
Even if you disagree with your partner’s opinion, acknowledge their feelings, give respect, and show empathy.
For instance, you can say, “I understand you’re feeling hurt right now. I’m sorry.”
To counteract defensiveness, take responsibility for your actions and acknowledge how they’ve affected your partner.
How to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship #5: Be willing to compromise
If you and your partner are at odds on a particular issue, it may be necessary to either agree to disagree or make a compromise.
To reach a compromise, try to find a common ground you can both live with.
For example, let’s say you and your partner frequently argue about household chores.
Your partner is frustrated because you are not washing the dishes promptly (even though you agreed to take on this chore).
When your partner reminds you to wash the dishes, you get irritated and sometimes respond rudely. You were going to do it, just not on their schedule.
In this situation, a compromise would look like both of you expressing your perspectives and then finding an agreement.
For instance, your partner agrees to be more lenient about the dishes, and you agree to wash them within 24 hours.
Or, if you really can’t stand washing dishes, your partner agrees to do them instead of you in exchange for another chore.
How to stop the cycle of fighting in a relationship #6: Try couples therapy
If you and your partner are stuck in a cycle of negative interactions, it can be hard to break the patterns by yourselves.
If you’re constantly fighting and can’t resolve your issues, it may be time to seek professional help.
Couples therapy offers a safe and confidential space to discuss sensitive topics and communicate so you both feel heard.
With the guidance of a relationship coach, you’ll learn valuable tools to navigate conflicts healthily.
While you may still have disagreements, you’ll be equipped with strategies to repair the damage more quickly and prevent small arguments from escalating into explosive fights.
Book a complimentary consultation with us to learn more about relationship coaching,
How do you fix arguments in a relationship?
Use these strategies for healthily resolving an argument: 1.) Take a break when things get heated and return to the conversation later. 2.) Communicate your feelings clearly without blaming your partner. 3.) Practice active listening. 4.) Seek your partner’s perspective, feelings, and concerns. 5.) Instead of becoming defensive, take responsibility for your role in the problem. 6.) Compromise when possible. 7.) Seek support from a relationship coach.
Why do couples fight over little things?
Couples may fight over little things for a variety of reasons. Often, an argument about a minor thing is indicative of deeper issues. For example, when one partner expresses anger toward the other partner, the real problem might be built-up resentment, stress and external pressures, unmet needs, or lack of appreciation.
How do I stop constant fighting?
If you and your partner fight constantly, reflect on patterns in your relationship. Gaining a better understanding of the words and behaviors that trigger arguments helps you avoid unnecessary fights. For further support, seek help from a life coach or relationship coach. An expert will offer a different perspective and help you develop healthy communication skills to improve your relationship.
Is it normal for healthy couples to fight?
Yes, it’s normal for healthy couples to argue from time to time. Whether or not a couple argues doesn’t matter as much as how they handle arguments when they do occur. In a healthy relationship, partners prioritize honest communication, active listening, mutual understanding, and constructive problem-solving.
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