Are you struggling with resentment and marriage?
Resentment can be subtle yet destructive.
This complex emotion creeps in and wreaks havoc in your relationship when you may not even be aware of it.
This article explores common signs of resentment in marriage and the factors that could contribute to it.
Let’s walk through 7 practical steps for repairing resentment and moving toward a more fulfilling, connected relationship.
Table of Contents
What are the signs of resentment in your marriage?
First, let’s look at the common signs that resentment may be taking hold in your marriage.
Negative feelings toward your spouse
A common sign of resentment in a marriage is having ongoing negative thoughts and feelings about your spouse.
For example, you may frequently dwell on your partner’s flaws or mistakes.
This mindset leads you to overlook their positive contributions to the relationship because you’re too focused on what they’re doing wrong or how they have fallen short in the past.
As a result, you may find yourself stuck in a perpetual state of anger, frustration, and bitterness.
Diminished communication
If you and your partner have noticed a change in how you communicate, there may be resentment in your marriage.
For example, you might be stuck in a toxic cycle of repetitive fights about the same issue.
Or, you might find that conversations with your partner have become less frequent and more surface-level.
You might avoid discussing specific topics to prevent conflict, which can lead to even more resentment building up.
Increased criticism and blame
Often, resentment shows up in relationships through frequent criticism and blame.
When you criticize your partner, you focus on attacking who they are instead of voicing a complaint about a specific behavior.
For instance, you might use generalized statements about your partner, such as “You’re always so selfish” or “You never listen to me.”
Additionally, you and your partner may frequently engage in the blame game, accusing each other instead of taking responsibility for your contribution to relationship problems.
Loss of emotional and physical intimacy
Another common sign of resentment in a relationship is a decrease in intimacy.
For example, you might feel emotionally distant from your partner and unsure how to bridge the gap between you.
In turn, this emotional distance can have adverse effects on your sex life.
Passive aggressiveness
While some signs of resentment are apparent, others are more subtle, such as passive-aggressive behavior.
Passive aggression often results from not being honest with your partner (and sometimes even yourself) about your feelings of anger and frustration.
Instead of addressing these emotions directly, they may spill out indirectly through sarcastic comments, silent treatment, or ignoring you.
Avoiding time together
A lack of quality time together is a telltale sign that resentment has crept into your marriage.
For example, you may feel that being around your partner leads to more conflict and frustration, so you’ve started to avoid each other’s company.
You and your partner may feel like you live under the same roof, yet lead separate lives.
Feeling stuck in the relationship
When resentment grows in your relationship, you may feel as though you are stuck.
It’s possible you feel hopeless, believing that things will never improve or that you and your partner will never be happy together again.
As a result, you may start considering divorce.
What causes marriage resentment?
Now, let’s explore the various factors that can lead to resentment in a marriage.
Unmet expectations
A common cause of resentment in a marriage is unfulfilled expectations.
For example, you might have specific ideas about how your partner should help around the house, show affection, or comfort you when stressed.
When these things don’t happen as you hoped, you feel slighted.
Often, we don’t communicate our needs or desires and expect our partners to read our minds.
The misguided belief that your partner “should just know” sets you up for disappointment and resentment.
Unequal contributions
If you feel resentful toward your spouse, there may be an imbalance in your contributions to the relationship.
When one partner feels like they are contributing more (financially, emotionally, or through household labor), it can lead to bitterness and frustration.
Related Reading: I Resent My Husband
Unresolved conflicts
Repeated arguments that are left unaddressed can lead you to harbor resentment in your relationship.
For instance, you may constantly disagree about how to parent your children.
Even after discussing it multiple times, you can’t reach a compromise.
While you may decide to accept your differences, you still feel frustrated with your partner, and resentment builds.
Lack of support
Resentment often arises when one partner feels unsupported or unseen in the relationship.
For example, let’s say you are grieving the loss of a family member and need emotional support from your partner.
However, your partner is preoccupied with their stressors, leaving you feeling alone in your sadness and pain.
You may feel resentful that you are carrying the weight of your pain and that your partner is not there for you when you need them.
Inability to forgive
Sometimes, resentment in marriage stems from an inability to forgive your partner for past hurts.
For example, if your spouse had an affair, even though you’ve picked up the pieces and found a way forward, you may still carry a lot of sadness and anger that you can’t let go of.
Holding onto negative feelings after a hurtful event makes room for resentment to start creeping in.
7 steps for overcoming resentment in marriage
If you ask yourself, “Can a marriage survive resentment?” the answer is yes.
While it may require time and effort, addressing deep-seated resentment in your marriage and rediscovering happiness together is possible.
These 7 steps will help you understand your resentment, effectively communicate your emotions and needs with your partner, and move toward a loving, healthy relationship.
Fix resentment and marriage step #1: Acknowledge your feelings
First, acknowledge that you are feeling resentment.
Ignoring your feelings causes more resentment, creating more conflict and tension in your marital relationship.
Take the time and space to process your feelings and pinpoint the root cause of your resentment.
For example, do you feel resentful because you always bury your needs to avoid conflict with your spouse? Or perhaps your partner doesn’t help around the house in ways you want?
Fix resentment and marriage step #2: Communicate your needs
Once you have clarified your feelings, it is time to talk with your partner.
Share your feelings and concerns with your spouse without criticizing or blaming.
Then, communicate what you need to be different in the future.
Resentment often arises from unspoken expectations and from expecting your partner to read your mind.
When you clearly express your needs, you minimize the chance of misunderstandings and disappointment that turn into resentment.
Fix resentment and marriage step #3: Understand your partner’s perspective
As you discuss relationship issues with your partner, remain open to their perspective.
Practice active listening as they share their feelings and experiences, and validate their point of view, even if you see things differently.
Unlock more healthy communication tools with the Marriage Course.
Fix resentment and marriage step #4: Set boundaries
An essential step to overcoming resentment in marriage is establishing healthy boundaries.
For example, a healthy boundary might involve one spouse deciding to stop taking over the laundry when it’s their partner’s assigned chore, even if their partner is consistently late.
Setting clear parameters and letting go of what isn’t yours can help reduce resentment.
Fix resentment and marriage step #5: Express gratitude
Acknowledging and appreciating what your partner is doing right helps you overcome resentment in your relationship.
When you start feeling resentful toward your spouse, it’s easy to see everything they do in a negative light.
One way to combat this negativity is to train yourself to recognize and appreciate your partner’s positive contributions to the relationship.
Acknowledging their efforts will change how you view your partner and bring more positive feelings into your relationship.
For a fun way to infuse gratitude into your next date night, pick up the Appreciation Deck.
Fix resentment and marriage step #6: Rebuild emotional intimacy
The next step in overcoming resentment is to reignite emotional intimacy.
When resentment takes hold in your relationship, it can drive a wedge between you, making you feel more like adversaries than partners.
Prioritizing time for date nights or shared activities reignites positive feelings and brings you closer together.
Fix resentment and marriage step #7: Seek professional support
If you find that you are still struggling with feelings of resentment in your marriage, it may be beneficial to seek support from a mental health professional.
A relationship coach will help you identify the root causes of your resentment and give you practical strategies for repairing your relationship.
Book a complimentary couples consultation to learn more about our couples counseling services.
What are the symptoms of resentment?
Resentment can lead to various emotional and behavioral symptoms. A few signs of resentment issues in a marriage include ruminating about your partner’s actions, persistent anger, bitterness, and other negative emotions towards your spouse, increased criticism and blame, and reduced intimacy.
What is the root cause of resentment?
Relationship resentment often arises from a combination of factors, including unmet expectations, unresolved issues, poor communication, one-sided feelings, and perceived injustice or unfairness. If one partner senses an imbalance in responsibilities, affection, or support, they may begin experiencing resentment.
Can a marriage recover from resentment?
A marriage can overcome resentment, but it takes effort and commitment. To begin healing resentment, have an honest conversation with your partner. Identify the underlying cause of your resentment and take responsibility for your role in the relationship.
What do you do when your spouse resents you?
1.) Create a safe space for your resentful spouse to express feelings. 2.) Validate their emotions without becoming defensive. 2.) Show a genuine willingness to adjust your behavior or address issues they bring up. 3.) Consider couples counseling.
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