Should I be upset that my husband watches porn?
It’s ok to be upset or hurt that your partner watches porn.
What matters most is how you feel.
If your husband’s porn use bothers you, it’s essential to acknowledge that.
You might feel betrayed, frustrated, hurt, or upset about your husband watching porn.
These are your emotions, and it’s perfectly fine to feel anything. There are no shoulds here.
While you and your partner might feel different about porn, you’re here to understand if it’s okay to feel upset.
First, let’s take a look at some of the reasons men watch porn.
Table of Contents
Why do men watch porn?
There are a variety of reasons for a guy watching porn, such as:
- Stress relief.
- Pornographic websites or sex chats allow for more variety in their sex life without physically cheating.
- Watching pornography serves as an escape from the stressors of real life.
- They can get sexual pleasure without having to risk rejection.
- Staying behind a computer screen feels less vulnerable than connecting with another person and having to meet their needs and expectations.
- They want more sex or a different kind of sex yet feel unsure how to talk to their partner about their needs.
- It allows them to explore curiosities about sexual orientation, fantasies, and desires.
- They are struggling with porn addiction and cannot stop watching porn even if they’ve tried to.
Instead of thinking, “Should I be upset that my husband watches porn?” own your feelings
You might be wondering, “Is it normal for husbands to watch porn? Should I be upset that my husband watches porn, or am I overreacting?”
Whatever you feel, that is how you think, and it’s essential to own it.
However, what matters most is how you and your partner come together.
When it comes to should or shouldn’t, many women try not to feel upset.
They try to convince themselves that visiting porn sites is not the same as cheating.
However, both bring up the same feeling of betrayal and inadequacy in your relationship.
Sure, lots of people watch pornography, but that doesn’t change how you feel.
As Dr. Jill Manning cites in her research about porn’s effects on wives:
“Instead of the traditional ‘other woman’ (or, heaven forbid, women), the spouse of a pornography user is betrayed with hundreds, if not thousands, of fantasy images that invite her into thinking she doesn’t measure up.”
If you’re not alright with your husband watching porn, you are perfectly normal.
I have heard many wives lament how their partner’s use of pornography hurts them.
It’s time to talk.
If you cannot do this, get an expert involved.
Is it ok if my husband watches porn?
In some partnerships, pornography use is acceptable, and there isn’t an issue, but those couples tend to be in the minority.
Many couples find that pornography affects their relationship and sex life negatively.
When assessing your feelings about your husband watching porn, don’t listen to what anyone says about how you should feel.
Listen to yourself.
Whatever comes up, that is how you feel.
It’s understandable if you felt betrayed when you found out your husband watches porn.
Feeling hurt, sad, or upset is perfectly normal.
The problem isn’t in your emotions.
The issue is usually how a couple comes together and addresses the problem.
What you feel is what you feel, and if you are upset that your husband watches porn – you are not alone. Many women experience the same feeling.
Do other women ask themselves, “Should I be upset that my husband watches porn?”
One of our top articles, “My Husband Watches Porn, What Can I Do?” is read thousands of times weekly.
The sheer volume of people reading this article makes it explicit — pornography is an issue for many couples.
No one is coming to that article because they don’t take issue with or feel hurt by their partner watching porn.
Our site is just one of the millions addressing this topic.
Whatever you’re feeling right now — take a moment to acknowledge your experience.
For example, if you feel hurt that your husband watches porn, own it and honor it by simply saying:
“When it comes to my husband’s porn use, I feel (insert your emotions).”
How you feel matters.
If you’re thinking, “Should I be upset that my husband watches porn?” your feelings are valid
While some couples don’t take issue with porn, others do.
Some of your female friends may try to convince you that you’re overreacting about your husband watching porn.
Everyone is different in their feelings and boundaries around pornography.
No matter what anyone else says- even if your husband doesn’t see watching porn as a big deal, how you feel matters.
If you’re thinking, “I hate that my husband watches porn,” it makes sense.
As a result of your husband watching porn, you may:
- Feel insecure about whether your husband is still attracted to you.
- Worry that your husband is comparing your appearance/body to other women (especially the unrealistic standard of porn stars).
- Question if you are good enough for your husband, which lowers your self-esteem.
- Feel worthless
- Feel like he’s been continuously lying to you.
- Feel disgusted because of what you know about the porn industry.
- Recognize that his obsessive interest in porn is creating distance in your relationship.
There are many negative side-effects of porn, and sitting by idly and quietly won’t help.
Intelligently addressing this problem is the only way to find a path forward.
Interview with porn addiction expert Gary Wilson
Many studies support that porn use in marriage is detrimental to intimacy.
“Should I be upset that my husband watches porn?”: Stats about porn use
While I encourage couples to find their compromise and agreements about porn, I must share some data points about pornography.
The data is clear: regular pornography use is associated with a whole host of negative consequences.
- Low marital satisfaction strongly correlates with watching porn regularly.
(Source: Springfield Archives of Sexual Behavior)
- Many women reported feeling that their porn-addicted husband is not truly present when they make love.
(Source: Marri Research Institute)
- According to Family Research Council, 56% of divorces had one partner with an obsessive interest in watching porn.
(Source: Family Research Council)
- Common damaging effects of pornography for users can include porn addiction, isolation, increased aggression, distorted beliefs and perceptions about relationships and sexuality, negative feelings about themselves, and neglecting other areas of their lives.
(Source: Maltz & Maltz, 2006; Manning, 2006, Utah University).
- Married Americans who view pornography are nearly twice as likely to get divorced than those who do not use pornography.
(Source: NPR)
- Regular porn use is likely to create an acceptance of rape myths and acts of violence.
(Source: Journal Of Communication)
- Wives who experience normal reactions about one’s partner watching porn—healthy reactions—to betrayal and deceit on many fronts are pathologized (treated as if there’s feelings aren’t ok, gaslit, or minimized).
(Source: The Social Costs Of Pornography: A Statement Of Findings
This is just a taste of the research that supports the adverse effects of porn.
You have many reasons for feeling that way if you feel upset or frustrated. But, no matter what others say or believe, your concerns about his porn use need to be heard.
As stated before, some women don’t have an issue with their partner’s porn use, while other women are deeply bothered by it.
if you feel hurt, it means you need to talk to your partner.
I bet you have already tried speaking to him if you’re reading this.
Whatever the case may be, speaking to him is important.
But, it likely hurts you, makes you feel inadequate, emotionally neglected…or something else.
You may even feel like your husband hates you.
Whatever your emotions are, they need to be processed together healthily for your marriage to thrive.
Related Reading: He Gets Defensive When I Tell Him How I Feel
“Should I be upset that my husband is watching porn?”: Talk to your husband about your concerns
Talking to your partner about this topic may be difficult, but it’s necessary.
For this conversation to work well, I suggest you and your partner learn the acronym LOVE.
Listen. Observe. Validate. Empathize.
The conversation will likely go well if you listen and observe each other without judgment, validate, and empathize.
When pornography is a problem, it’s likely communication is also problematic.
For more support and guidance with initiating conversations about intimacy, sign up for the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
“Should I be upset that my husband watches porn?” Use the L.O.V.E technique to guide your talk
Listen.
Observe
Validate
Empathize
How to use the L.O.V.E acronym to guide healthy conversations
You can also use this to discuss finances, intimacy, child-rearing, and anything else.
Listening is staying quiet.
Let each other share. No interrupting. No talking over each other. And no explaining to your partner while they share. Just be calm and observe.
Observing can be done by noting what you see.
One good strategy for quality observations is to cite what you both see after listening. For example, “I see you looked frustrated.” “I see your face gets hot, and you seem uncomfortable.”
Validating means that you take into account your partner’s perspective.
This never means we must agree, but validating encourages us to let our spouses know that it makes sense that they feel what they do.
As your partner shares their feelings, you may need to ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand the true meaning behind what they’re saying.
Empathizing is the magic sauce that relationship masters exhibit in spades.
To show empathy is to let someone know we can feel how they feel. This does not mean we agree, condone, or continue to allow. Empathizing means putting myself in your shoes and verbalizing that I can see things from your point of view.
When it comes to discussions about sex and money — couples are likely to escalate, walk away hurt, and conclude there’s no solution. Unfortunately, this won’t lead you to increased connection.
Try using the LOVE technique for listening. Ask your partner to review the steps and invite a dialogue about pornography.
Sadly, many women tend to stay quiet about their partner’s porn use. But, this doesn’t help make things better.
When you and your partner struggle to talk about porn, finances, in-laws, chores, or any of the big six — it’s a solid indicator to seek help.
What you feel matters.
On countless occasions, I’ve had sessions with wives who have said:
- “When you watch porn, it makes me feel like you don’t want me.”
- “The stuff you watch makes me think you don’t want me.”
- “Porn has caused a divide. The intimacy is missing.”
- “Seems like you’d rather masturbate than be with me.”
These are very typical statements.
Staying quiet won’t make any of these feelings go away.
Take a moment to ask if you two can sit and talk.
When you make that space, bring up this new acronym for listening.
L.O.V.E.
Listen. Observe. Validate. Empathize.
This acronym equips you with principles for successful relationship check-ins, even when sensitive topics come up.
What if my husband wants to stop watching porn but can’t?
If your husband has found porn to have a harmful effect on his life yet cannot stop, he may be experiencing porn addiction.
A person addicted to porn finds it difficult to stop viewing pornographic websites or engaging in sex chats despite the detrimental consequences.
If your husband expresses a desire to stop watching porn yet is struggling to do so, encourage him to seek the support of a mental health professional.
“Should I be upset that my husband looks at porn?” Seek support if you’re struggling
If you struggle to talk about porn (or anything else) — I’m here to help you.
When you need to reach out to someone, you are welcome to contact me for a complimentary couples consult or join the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
Is it normal for my husband to watch porn?
According to the Institute for Family Studies, most men have watched pornography in the past year (if not the past month). Different couples have different boundaries and comfort levels regarding pornography. If you feel upset that your husband watches porn, it’s essential that you talk about your concerns with your husband.
Why does my husband watch porn?
There are numerous reasons men watch porn. For some men, porn is a way to explore sexual fantasies and desires they may or may not want to act out in real life. Also, pornography serves as a way to receive sexual pleasure without the risk of rejection.
Is it ok for my husband to watch porn?
Whether it’s okay for your husband to watch porn is a personal choice. Some women have no issues with their husbands watching porn. For other women, knowing that their husband is watching pornography makes them feel unwanted, uncomfortable, or betrayed. Ultimately, what matters is how you feel about pornography and expressing your feelings openly with your husband.
Should I let my husband watch porn?
In some relationships, porn viewing does not negatively affect the relationship; in others, pornography creates a whole host of issues. If you feel upset that your husband watches porn, it’s essential that you have an open conversation with your husband and express how his watching pornography affects you.
Should I be upset if my husband watches porn?
First, know that your feelings are valid. Many women feel upset about their male partners watching porn. Take some time to reflect on your feelings and the reasons your husband’s porn use upsets you. Then, sit down with your husband and express your feelings calmly and respectfully.
What to do if your husband watches porn?
If you are upset that your husband watches porn, share your true feelings with your husband. Instead of blaming your husband, come into the conversation with an open mind to hear why he watches porn. If it’s difficult to talk about porn without fighting, we encourage couples to seek professional help.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I discovered his porn use about 7 years ago. It was devastating to say the least.
I was working 8-5, 3 kids, and was attending college to finish my accounting degree.
To say “I had let myself go” was understatement. I wasn’t overweight by any means but 3 kids, and work and school – alcohol was our cure. We both drank.
Beer mainly. Which is not great on the lady figure. I was the largest I had EVER been INCLUDING my 3 pregnancies and had always been insecure even when thin. I had an eating disorder through HS and college until I got pregnant with my daughter.
Ok. I found the porn use. AND IT WAS RAMPID. Once I graduated and was home more – I realized how much he actually was watching. IT CRUSHED ME. I tried to play it cool. But – EVERYTIME – still hurt. I couldnt process it, honestly. I was never a super needy girl – pretty independent but held SUPER high expectations for myself and met them. I am VERY prideful but for good reason – I’m a good person. I do the right thing.
There was one night – I remember VIVIDLY – I actually asked him if he wanted to have sex – WHICH I NEVER DO, and at first – he obliged but then, turned me down and said – I’m really dirty, I’m just gonna take a shower. I literally heard him get off. Crushed. Cried myself to sleep that night.
His porn use developed into a full-blown addiction. It was so disrespectful feeling. I think that’s what feeling I get. But that is the hardest part for me. Describing how it makes me feel. I sure as hell don’t like it but putting the words to the feelings is a difficulty for me. If you can’t state how you feel to YOURSELF – try explaining that to him when he wants NOTHING to do with the conversation and thinks it’s ludicrous for me feeling “hurt, or disrespected” or whatever it might be.
It’s def fun, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
He was so ADDICTED and thought NOTHING was wrong with it. I mean, he would watch it on his phone while I was in the room. He watched it ALL THE TIME. AT work… at home… in his truck – ANY TIME. I knew because I had access to his gmail accounts and monitored heavily. Ugh
Sure – just to torture myself, I guess.
But I couldn’t let it go. Still can’t. It still bothers me.
My daughter left at the age of 15 – and I just recently found out a BIG reason was her and her friend caught him watching it and she was SO embarrassed. She just graduated this past May. She never returned home – lived with her Dad.
Sure – it sucks to think that he compares me to females’ qualities that are completely unattainable and unrealistic; but the part that hurts even more – talks to me about getting a boob job and a mommy makeover. Like, to be honest – I want the work done for sure – but, it makes not want to just to give into his unhealthy “desires”.
Why would I NOT think he compares me to these unrealistic “fake” characters. I’m sorry but I think that is complete bullshit when they say that. Like how you are NOT?! You watch it for some reason – it’s pleasing – men are completely visual creatures… you like to “see” whatever it is that you are watching it for. Something I don’t have, something I won’t give to you; or because you’re bored – something that excites you… because I don’t anymore.
Explain to me how they ARE NOT comparing. How you are wanting to ESCAPE this terrible reality you have with me – to go trick your brain into thinking you’re actually screwing a whole bunch of different women because your reality SUCKS so bad. Like, please explain to me how this IS NOT COMPARING. I think that’s a load of bullshit to keep them in good graces with us. And to allow it to continue.
I also tell my husband all the time and this is the part that REALLY breaks my heart. I don’t think the brain knows the difference in porn and live sex in the context of “getting off”. So – the brain actually thinks you’re having sex with this person when you are having fantasies and masturbating to other women. The brain doesn’t know the difference. That’s how I feel. If the brain doesn’t know the difference – how the hell is that NOT cheating. Not to mention the secrets and lies and MONEY spent.
I understand it’s a “him” problem – not a “me” problem; but it sure as hell feels like an “us” problem.
I wish it didn’t affect me, I’ve even tried to bring it in the bedroom with us – spice things up, try and be involved but then – NO LIE – I would catch him watching that instead of focusing on me. Just sucks. Just wish it was NOT a part of our marriage.
Porn just sucks. It kills intimacy, makes us feel lonely and insecure and without anyone to talk to. Cause – of course – were the crazy ones – porn is such a norm and EVERYONE does it – you need to just chill. It’s not like he’s going out and cheating on you – he’s home, somewhat present. But all i can think about is – “what were you watching during your hour long bathroom sesh. Or why did it take you so long to go to the store down the road. Or even.. why did you sit in your car for 30 min in the driveway after you got home?” It makes us question EVERYTHING bc we know you have been dishonest about what you’ve been doing and where you’ve been.
Is there a way to trick, or better yet – TRAIN the brain into not giving a damn. I’d like the youtube vid for that – I’d pay good money.
But, then again – sometimes I think the “challenge” of it all keeps me here. If i was completely secure in my marriage – would i be bored, unchallenged, etc.
I feel like I was completely secure in my marriage until this came to light. I do know that’s not how I feel ANYMORE.
I found out about my husband’s porn use a few days after burying my grandmother. He told me he only just started getting into the habit around that time. We talked about it then and I thought it was all resolved.
A year later I found out he’s been using it regularly for YEARS. We’d only been married about three years at that point and I was expecting our second child together. I felt devastated. He said it started when we had just been married. We were living on our own, renting, far away from any family, with two children. My then 5 year old daughter and our son. I felt betrayed because at that time I had just had a baby and was finding it difficult to adjust. He was my only support. I used to tell him I felt like we were drifting apart, losing our connection. I started making sure dinner was ready early, kids were fed, bathed and put to bed early to make sure we had time for each other. But, he would go to sleep before the kids and then I would have my dinner on my own, tidy up and go to bed. Little did I know, he would then wake up around 1 or 2 am and watch porn. I feel betrayed and stupid because I feel like I’m not needed. What is the point of staying when I’m not what he wants? I want to leave but I’m stuck. I’m financially dependent on him.
He doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. How do I deal with this? I dont want to be a nag bag but it has made me very insecure. Please help me.
Find out your husband has been using pornography for years can be devastating. You are having a normal response. The issue isn’t just that he’s been using pornography, it’s that he kept such a big secret too. It makes sense you’re having all these feelings. Based on your response, our top advice would be to reach out to a professional. We are here to help, feel free to look at “contact page” to inquire about a consultation. An issue of this magnitude requires careful guidance. From reading your response, it really would be best to see if your husband would speak with you and a professional. The kind of havoc and pain this is causing will best be supported and solved by having a consultation.
I have been married to my husband 41 years. I catch him watching porn at different times thru out our marriage. Each time it would break my heart. I aways felt there was something wrong with me, not attractive enough, not good enough in bed..something. When I told him how it made me felt. He told me that I was trying to control him, everyone watches porn and I need to get used to the fact. I never got used to the fact , it always hurt. Years later he said he had ED I was willing work with him by trying to watch porn with him .We seldom had romantic times, when I caught him watching porn without me. I became hurt then angry, told him keep your f****g hands off me. What did I have to lose, right. He doesn’t need me! I do think he hates me, he had no problem crushing my heart over & over. When I married him I loved him but I wished I hadn’t married him. We argue all the time. This isn’t just his life , it’s mine too
Hello G – thank you for leaving your post here. I’ll try to give some insight. First, I am touched by your ability to share your vulnerable feelings here. As I read your post, one thing really touched me. Porn is an issue, but it’s not the issue. It’s the first layer of what hurts in your marriage, and it’s what got you to search online…but it’s not really the main problem. You state several times how lonely you feel, how you don’t feel your husband wants you, and how he doesn’t spend quality time with you (but he seems to find time for porn at odd hours). So, on one hand I understand how porn looks and feels like the main issue, but the more concerning and hurtful part of your marriage is feeling like you’re not first to your husband. Throughout your share I hear you say, in so many ways, “we were drifting apart.” And other “I would have dinner on my own.” These are precious lost moments, and times that oftentimes in healthy relationships are not times for being alone. I am quite curious about how you two talk about these concerns and feelings? If you tell your husband, “I feel alone. I’d like us to find and make time to be together,” what does he say? My guess, based on very limited information, there’s a longstanding pattern of not deeply expressing and talking about feelings of aloneness, loss, and a marriage that has changed into two people living somewhat separate lives. This isn’t all that unusual, but it doesn’t make it not hurt and doesn’t take away that you two really should talk. Feeling stuck in the marriage is concerning too…Many couples express these emotions and start to drift apart, live much of their own lives, and the romance that could still be rekindled gets buried under silence. Have you asked him if he’d be willing to talk to someone with you? I have a gut feeling this could do wonders. Without hearing from him, I can only project what I know to be true (based on nearly two decades of doing this work) that he has a lot of pent up emotions and thoughts he’s holding back too…all stuff that if you two don’t talk about, will continue to keep the vacancy and distance. If you’d like I can recommend books or videos, but my best advice is to see if he’ll sit and talk with you about these feelings of loneliness. Then, if it feels right and if you two still need more support see if he’d be open to talk with someone as a couple.
Porn kills love. It just does. I’m here right now because my fiancé is addicted to watching porn and it has tormented our whole relationship! I left my last 3 boyfriends because porn hurt those relationships (one cheated, one started physically abusing me after confronting him about it, and the last one would not stop liking sext bikini photos of girls we knew…. All because they could not control their urges and I’m attributing that to porn) and now here I am once again.
The double standards and expectations that come from someone who is addicted to porn is insane. Sure, in very small amounts viewing porn may not be a terrible thing, but people who watch porn usually watch it daily or once a week. They are addicted. What makes it hard to break the addiction is that porn is easily accessible and very socially accepted among men and some women… But just because something is socially acceptable doesn’t make it right. Alcoholism just killed a close friend of mine (and alcohol is socially acceptable), but porn kills love.
It’s really crazy. My fiancé has promised me that I am more important to him than these virtual girls. He said he would stop watching, but he can’t seem to. 🙁 it really breaks my heart continuously fighting the same battle about girls who don’t know that he even exists. His lustfulness makes me feel lonely, ugly, unappreciated, and just not good in any sort of way. Over the past year his porn intake has increased and our intimacy has decreased so much…. I barely if ever get off while spending sexy time with him because HIS actions make me feel strange, uncomfortable, and most importantly UNCONNECTED. It’s absolutely horrible when he try’s the same things he sees in the porn on me…. It just makes me feel like a doll and that he may be fantasizing about the other women on youporn or pornhub :/ and yes I know that he is doing because I’ve looked at what he watches, it’s pretty gnarly stuff.
Anyways it sure would be nice if these men would stop watching women do things that they wouldn’t want their partners doing. I think it’s hypocritical. It’s really sad to me that porn and hookup culture has completely twisted the true meaning of what sex is. Sex is sacred, beautiful, and wonderful way to connect on a soul level with the person you love the most.
To all the pure and kind women out there reading this, I hope you feel better. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made, and all beautiful in our own ways! <3
I am suffering 2 years after finding out about my fiancé’s porn addiction please help me before I lose myself
Snap so have I and it hurts
We both aren’t hugely sexual but hen I kno he watches porn it hurts me. It feels like he would rather have those girls than me. It makes me feel unwanted but I know he still loves me. He just wants to clear his mind and go on with his day. I understand that, but I just can’t help but feel dirty and hurt by it. Can anyone help me with these feelings?