When you’re searching for things like ‘signs my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore?’ We know your marriage is missing that fire.
While this article outlines the signs that your husband has lost interest in you, please note that no one sign alone makes it certain he doesn’t find you attractive.
Table of Contents
Why does my husband not seem interested in me sexually?
Passion can fluctuate for many reasons. Over time, though, if this mismatch between you continues, it will cause many hurt feelings.
Read this article and then address your concerns with your husband directly.
Ask him to talk
Gently ask him to set time aside to talk. And then you can say something like this:
“I’ve noticed our intimacy has gone way down. I am missing the passion, fire burning, and sex we used to have. I am starting to wonder if you’re not attracted to me anymore. Maybe that’s not how you feel, but I want us to talk about it.”
If he gets defensive
He may get defensive or shut down. That’s okay, though. He might feel uncomfortable. You can reassure him with words like this:
“I am not accusing you of anything. It would just be nice to talk. I am feeling insecure and not attractive.”
Allow him space to share
Now it’s time to listen. Let him open up.
Even healthy couples experience a shift in sexual desire after marriage and throughout their time together.
Relationship chemistry is complicated and can fluctuate, but the relationship goes next when you stop being like best friends.
It hurts your self-esteem when you no longer feel attractive or wanted.
If you’re concerned your husband no longer finds you attractive, it’s time to consider couples therapy.
To address the more serious issues, you’ll need to re-focus on building skills as a couple
24 Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me
Let’s look at some of the most common signs your husband is not attracted to you anymore.
1. He doesn’t touch you
Romance needs cultivation.
Touch is the primary way many women feel their husband’s attraction.
If he has been absent-minded or emotionally absent, it’s likely he hasn’t given you the touch you need.
Once simple touching and kissing disappear, most couples conclude that he’s no longer sexually attracted.
From there, it’s normal that the sexual encounters stop or become so reduced that it hurts our mental health.
To address this problem, we suggest you talk about non-sexual touch. Most of us need it.
Ways to talk about wanting non-sexual touch
“I need to be touched more often. Would you be open to holding me more often, kissing me when you get home, or hugging me at night?”
A straight and clear request for more physical connection can help him meet your needs.
This sign alone does not mean your husband sees you as not being physically attractive.
Try making a clear request for the touch and affection that you need.
Many men, myself included, do not know what their wife needs unless we are asked directly.
Don’t put talking to him about how you want to be kissed or touched on the back burner.
If you make it a point to talk and it doesn’t help, we suggest you consider couples therapy.
In many cases, the loss of physical intimacy in marriages isn’t clear-cut, and there are other aspects of intimacy to explore.
The Intimacy Workshop gives you the tools to address the root causes of why you have lost attraction.
2. He barely tries to have sex with you, and your sex life is suffering
Do you often think, ‘My husband doesn’t seem interested in me sexually any more?’
Is your sex life suffering?
Do you long to feel loved and wanted?
When people first meet, the hormones go wild.
However, no couple can ever sustain the initial spark of infatuation.
As time goes on, most couples find their rhythm.
It may be daily, twice a week, once a week, or once a month.
Only you know what’s normal and healthy in your long-term relationship.
But, when your partner starts being very different from that regular pattern of sexual interaction, it’s a sign that something is off.
If your partner is barely initiating sex, and it’s unusual, this is a clear sign that something is amiss.
For example, it could be he’s stressed, you two fight a lot, the communication is off, or he’s not attracted to you anymore.
If you’re looking to re-spark the romance and feel closer to your partner, join the Intimacy Workshop.
3. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He’d often rather masturbate and rarely has sex with you
Does it seem like, ‘my husband prefers his hand over me?’
Many married men masturbate.
As a man and relationship researcher who’s sat with thousands of couples, I can tell you most men masturbate.
Some research and polls have found that 85% of married men masturbate.
The most important thing isn’t whether your husband masturbates.
It’s how often he’d rather masturbate than have sex with you.
It’s how connected or disconnected you two feel.
Why does my husband prefer his hand over me?
If your husband consistently prefers masturbating or pornography over sexual intimacy with you, something is amiss in the bedroom.
This could signify something is wrong, but it doesn’t mean your husband finds you unattractive.
Before you assume he’s watching porn or masturbating because he’s lost attraction to you, ask yourself:
- Does he have issues performing?
- Has he had problems with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation?
- Has he ever been insecure in the bedroom?
- Does he have a history of being sexually repressed?
If this is an issue you recognize in your relationship, it will serve your relationship to have an open discussion about masturbation and your sex life. There’s no other way around this topic.
In our experience, though, most women on this page have already tried to talk to their husbands about masturbation or porn use.
If you’ve already talked, our best advice is to call. You need support.
Schedule a complimentary couples consultation with us.
You can get to the root of problems plaguing your marriage with professional guidance.
4. He rejects your sexual advances
No two people will ever sync up sexually 100% of the time.
Sometimes, he’ll want sex, or you’ll want it, and it won’t happen. That happens.
If you’ve started to notice he regularly rejects or turns down your sexual advances, it could be a sign he doesn’t want you sexually for some reason.
It doesn’t mean he’s not feeling attracted to you, but it could be.
You’ll only know by talking. A conversation can help clear things up.
You can start a dialogue with your partner with a simple statement like:
“Hey, I’ve noticed that lately, when I come towards you sexually, you turn me down (or find an excuse for why it can’t happen). It’s been kind of frequent. I’m curious. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
Then listen. See what your husband says.
Then, respond and work together to unearth what’s going on.
5. He can’t get it up anymore
A man’s penis is strongly connected to his sight.
What he sees helps his arousal.
When a man can’t get it up for his woman, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in her. But it could mean he’s not attracted to her.
To better assess the situation, it’s a good idea for your partner to seek professional advice from a doctor or counselor to address issues regarding his arousal.
The issue could be mental, hormonal, or he isn’t attracted to you.
Don’t jump the gun and make it mean what it doesn’t.
Instead, talk to him about the issue in a matter-of-fact way.
He may feel shame, so be kind and tell him you’d like to talk to him about his arousal.
Start a conversation about what’s happening and go from there.
Related Reading: I Have No Sex Drive
6. He shuts down after sex
It’s a common stereotype that after sex, men distance themselves and roll over like beached whales.
If that’s a normal thing in your relationship or it’s new – it’s likely something that would be good to address.
It may not mean your husband is not attracted to you, but it could signal something about intimacy avoidance.
Sometimes, men who aren’t attracted to their wives will continue to have sex with them. But afterward, they want to run.
If this happens in your relationship, it could be a sign that he’s not attracted to you or a sign of something else.
Maybe the intimacy and connection are fractured somehow?
Maybe your husband feels ashamed sexually?
Tell your partner you’ve noticed he’s shut down after sex and are curious about what it means. Then listen.
Related Reading: My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy
7. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He suggests you lose weight
When a man wishes his wife would lose weight, he knows he can’t say anything.
Men know that if they directly tell a woman to lose weight, it’ll cause problems or destroy their wife’s self-esteem.
Your husband suggesting you lose weight isn’t a sign that he’s not attracted to you.
In many healthy marriages, it’s common for both people to want to lose weight.
I talk to husbands and wives daily, complaining about their weight or partner’s size.
Many of us have all kinds of feelings about our own body and each other’s appearance.
Just ask my wife; she’ll gladly tell you she wishes I had more hair (I’m bald)!
Does that hurt my feelings? Not at all.
I know she loves me and cares for me, and even as our bodies age and change, she and I are confident we are imperfectly perfect for each other.
Losing weight doesn’t solve marriage problems
Research shows that most men would find their partner more attractive if she were thinner.
While the male brain is much more visual than a woman’s, the data shows men also get highly turned through thoughts and emotions.
In short, if you’re worried he might wish you were thinner or more athletic, he probably does wish it or sometimes wants it, but it’s not the root cause for why he’s losing interest.
You can try to get in shape, but as you’ll find from hundreds of comments from women and men on our website – losing weight doesn’t do much to change why he’s not engaged in the marriage.
8. He talks about his physical attraction to other women
In many private counseling sessions, men shared with me that they wish their wives would lose weight, dress sexier, and care more about their looks.
When I ask the same men if they’ve told their wives, most say it’d likely ruin their relationship.
And when I dig a little deeper, many men confess that they try to hint by telling their wives about other physically attractive women.
“I point out actresses, celebrities, and women on the streets who have a look I like.”
“I tell her how attractive I thought she was when we first met.”
Since most men feel they can’t be direct or openly discuss attraction issues, they’ll often do it passively by talking about other women they find attractive.
So, if your husband is doing that, it’s possibly a sign that he wants you to look different.
9. He suggests getting a new romantic partner
In a long-term commitment, your partner may feel attracted to someone else.
When he spends a lot of time suggesting new partners, it’s time you take action.
While there are other explanations and more signs your husband doesn t find you attractive, this is serious.
When he’s spending lots of time with porn or talking about other lovers, you need to take immediate action.
Get help. Talk to us. Don’t let this drag on.
10. He’s not present with you
One of the first things that affects the connection is the loss of presence.
If he’s less present with you, this will affect your sense of connection.
As a husband, I know that when my wife feels that my presence has been absent for days or weeks, it changes our feelings of attraction and intimacy.
If he’s absent-minded or somehow not ‘showing up,’ it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not attracted to you, but you need to address it.
We strongly suggest you address that you talk to him about this sooner rather than later.
Acknowledge that it feels as if you two are missing that presence and connection.
You can ask questions like:
“Have you been feeling stressed by anything at work?”
“Is there something with family or finances that has you preoccupied?”
“How’s your sleep been lately?”
This sign doesn’t mean your husband isn’t attracted to you.
But when coupled with the other signs – it can be something serious.
Address it now with kindness and clarity.
11. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He’s cold and distant
A cold and distant partner makes it hard to connect.
If you feel your partner has been cold and distant or think he hates you, the best thing to do is to let him know.
If you’d like to change things, you could try taking a date night and playing the couples card games that are scientifically proven to help improve your connection.
A cold and distant partner doesn’t mean the attraction is gone, but it does mean something.
It’s best to ask and find out.
Related Reading: My Husband Makes Me Feel Worthless
12. He doesn’t give you much attention
Men are much more visual than women.
A man can get sexually aroused by looking at someone, whereas women typically need emotional intimacy to get turned on.
When your man turns away and avoids seeing your naked body, it could be because he doesn’t find you attractive.
On the other hand, if he isn’t typically someone who turns away, his behavior could signal a shift in attraction.
Tell him if you sense he’s not sexually attracted to you anymore.
13. He’s flirtatious with other women and not you
When you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s common sense that flirting with others isn’t okay.
If your husband has shut down to your advances, doesn’t initiate sex, and has been shut down – but he’s flirting with other women, he’s not saying something.
A husband who doesn’t show intimacy towards his wife but flirts with other women is possibly not attracted to his partner anymore.
Either that or some of your relationship dynamics need addressing.
14. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore – He talks to you more like one of the guys
It can be fun to be one of the guys. And it can also really zap the romance out of your relationship.
Your husband talking to you like one of the guys can indicate that he’s no longer attracted to you.
Therefore, some new behaviors need to be enacted in your relationship.
No matter how close a couple is, it’s not the best when a wife is treated and spoken to like one of the guys.
As the wife, you aren’t one of the guys. You’re more.
Only you know if you like it, but if this and other signs are present, it could signify that the attraction has shifted, and you two would benefit from making changes.
15. You spend a lot less time together
Quality time is an essential part of any relationship, especially a marriage.
When a relationship wanes in romance and passion, partners often spend less quality time together.
In a broken marriage, couples don’t spend much quality time or have fun together and feel distant.
To fix a broken marriage, the couple must learn how to spend more high-quality time together.
If you’re not feeling close to your husband, it’s time to change that.
For fun ways to reconnect and spend time with your partner, check out the Date Night Workbook.
16. He doesn’t invest in your relationship
Anything of value requires attention.
A man who disengages in the relationship is a man who doesn’t value what he has. And he is not paying attention.
The more a man distances himself from working on the relationship, he’s possibly not interested in making things work.
If your husband seems disengaged, you likely feel lonely or emotionally neglected.
If your husband has stopped investing in your partnership, it’s a vital sign that he’s disengaged and something is awry.
All healthy couples have a vision for a shared future.
Healthy couples have dreams and goals that they’re excited to create. They engage in relationship check-ins to discuss the future they’re building together.
When a husband checks out, it’s one of the biggest signs of an impending divorce.
17. He spends most of his spare time on hobbies
A man attracted to his wife will find balance with his time.
He will want time with his wife, hobbies, work, etc.
Attraction calls him to be around his wife, so if your husband is absorbed in his hobbies and not your relationship – begin addressing the issue by talking to him.
If he doesn’t change, it’s a good sign that his attraction has waned.
18. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He doesn’t invite you out with friends
Men and women need to have their own thing.
Sometimes, it’s good for your husband to go out on his own. But if it’s a regular thing and he’s edging you out, there’s something wrong. It could mean you don’t mesh well with his friends, or he’s cheating.
However, just because he doesn’t invite you out doesn’t mean he’s cheating.
If you’re worried your husband is cheating, look for the signs.
For example, when coupled with other behaviors, you might feel like, “These are signs my husband is not attracted to me, so that he might be looking elsewhere.”
Even if your partner isn’t cheating, edging you out of his social life isn’t healthy.
Related Reading: Signs He Doesn’t Love You
19. He doesn’t call, text, or reach out while away
A distant man will make his wife feel hurt.
A connection is created and maintained through communication.
It can be deeply hurt if your husband doesn’t call, text, or reach out while on a business trip.
It can feel like your husband is ignoring you.
Tell him that you are disappointed that he hurt you and see what happens.
If nothing changes, it could signify that he’s not attracted to you.
Before you assume anything, tell him how you feel and see what happens.
Related Reading: How To Make Your Husband Desire You More
20. He rarely touches you or has stopped altogether
A lack of physical affection is one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore.
Healthy and happy couples touch each other.
Touch is good for your relationship.
Not only does physical contact communicate affection, but touch also improves your health.
Some couples touch more, others less, but whatever you’re used to – when it changes dramatically, it takes a toll on the connection.
Your husband holding your hand or kissing you can go a long way.
In online marriage counseling sessions, we’ve found that when there isn’t adequate touch, it’s a sign that the couple is experiencing some distance.
When you consider a lack of touch, it may leave you feeling like it’s one of the signs your husband isn’t attracted to you.
It’s best to find out by talking about the situation.
21. Signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive – He rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch
If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there’s something wrong.
He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied.
Whatever it is, the impact for you is that you don’t feel loved or cared about the same.
Romance for men and women alike needs cultivation.
A healthy relationship thrives when there is kissing, hugging, and intimate touch.
When your partner doesn’t kiss you very often, it’s a sign something has shifted.
The fix could be as simple as asking for more kisses or taking more work.
However, if you’ve already tried talking to your husband, you’ll want to take specific steps to rekindle the connection.
To help with the process, check out how hundreds of couples have gotten back on track with the Intimacy Workshop.
22. He gets easily upset, and you fight often
If you’ve noticed your husband gets mad more quickly and doesn’t show signs of attraction towards you – it’s a red flag.
Your marriage is suffering.
Don’t let this go on without talking about it.
When your husband doesn’t talk about what’s happening, he’ll likely shut down, pick fights, and be more easily agitated.
If your husband becomes defensive, gets mad easily, yells at you, and doesn’t show signs of attraction towards you – talk to him.
Just like lying in a marriage left unchecked grows out of control, a marriage with an explosive partner can also hurt marital longevity.
When this sign shows up, couples tend to report they are not spending time together, and when they do, they’re afraid of a blow-up.
In turn, they avoid talking and spend their free time doing anything other than creating quality time.
If this sign is present, let’s chat. Schedule a complimentary couples consult.
23. Something feels “off”
Feeling that something is ‘off’ is a powerful, intuitive guide. Listen to it.
In one of my previous relationships, when something felt ‘off,’ I ignored it until I decided to check my girlfriend’s phone one day.
That ‘off’ feeling led me to learn that she was cheating.
I am not saying that your husband is or isn’t cheating.
I’m just suggesting you trust that sense that something is off.
Those emotions you can’t explain are powerful, and when we let them lead us to open up to our partner, they can help immensely.
Trust that feeling and see if you can talk to your husband about what’s happening.
That feeling could signal a big issue or something else that a conversation will help reveal and heal.
Related Article: Surviving Infidelity
24. You’ve tried what he wants, and still nothing
If it still feels like he’s not attracted to you, maybe it’s time to consider counseling.
After you’ve tried all the possible things he wants to increase attraction, it’s time to consider something more radical.
After that, the options become relatively narrow – you either try counseling, leave, or continue with how things have been.
If you’ve tried:
- Losing weight.
- Changing your clothing to be sexier.
- Entertaining his kinks.
- Flirting how he likes.
- Doing the things he likes.
After that, if you still feel he’s not attracted to you – it’s time to do something different.
What To Do If You Think, “There Are Too Many Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore.“
If you’ve read this far and worry your husband isn’t attracted to you. The best advice is to seek professional help.
You can try changing your clothes, flirting, being sexier, etc. But often, the root issue is something only a professional can help address.
Your husband’s lack of attraction is likely mixed with feelings that the relationship isn’t at its best. Getting the input and guidance of an expert is the fastest route to fixing the core issues.
Stop feeling worthless and undervalued, and stop wondering about the health of your marriage.
How do I get my husband interested in me sexually?
If your husband shows signs that he’s not attracted to you, let him know.
Unlike dating, where you may have played games, hid things, or played cat-and-mouse, marriage requires deep intimacy and letting your partner in.
But the past tactics only got you so far. This is your marriage.
It can sometimes be scary to share because what if you say the wrong thing? What if he hears what’s happening and then takes his love away?
Showing love can be terrifying. When we express it, we risk rejection. Few things are as painful as love not being received. On the other hand, loving and being loved are the most courageous acts and gateways to connection and unity.
In short, talk to your husband and find out what can help get things back on track.
For more support with reigniting the passion and attraction in your relationship, sign up for the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
What do I do to reignite my husband’s attraction?
Realizing that your husband doesn’t want you can be very painful.
It can make you feel unwanted, rejected, and lonely.
This can also lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem.
However, there are things that you can do to rekindle the spark in your relationship and make your husband attracted to you again.
Related Reading: How to Make My Husband Attracted To Me
Talk about how you feel
First, talk with your husband about how you’ve been feeling.
Instead of blaming your partner, focus on your feelings and needs.
For instance, you might say, “I feel disconnected from you lately without as much physical touch,” rather than “You never touch me anymore.”
Sharing your concerns with your husband in this way allows both of you to talk through the issue together and work towards resolving it.
Spend quality time together
In a relationship, intimacy and passion often decrease as you fall into a comfortable routine and become stagnant.
To break out of this rut, prioritize quality time together and plan regular date nights.
If you typically stay in and watch TV on the weekends, shake things up and try something new together.
Research has shown that participating in novel activities with your partner fuels passion and excitement similar to your feelings during the initial stages of dating.
If you’re unsure where to get started with planning dates, we’ve got you covered.
Pick up the Relationship Workbook for 100+ at-home dates, unique outings, and weekend getaways.
Take care of yourself
Attraction starts with you.
When you prioritize self-care, you radiate confidence and aliveness that attracts your partner’s attention.
What makes you feel confident and sexy?
To enhance your love life, focus on embracing your pleasure and becoming more present in your body.
Seek professional help
If you’re having trouble fixing your broken relationship, seek the support of a marriage coach.
Marriage coaching provides a safe space to address your relationship challenges and gain new insights.
In addition, a marriage coach will help you develop the necessary tools for a healthy marriage.
Book a complimentary couples consultation to see if working with us would be a good fit.
How do you know if your husband is not sexually attracted to you?
Signs your husband is not attracted to you include lack of physical affection, decreased frequency of sexual activity, and emotional distance. Additionally, increased pornography use or masturbation, especially if it replaces sexual activity with you, can signal a lack of sexual attraction.
What causes attraction to go away?
It’s common for attraction to fluctuate within a romantic relationship. Settling into a predictable routine and lack of novelty often causes a decrease in attraction and desire. Other factors also influence attraction, such as unresolved issues in the relationship, lack of emotional intimacy, and external stressors.
Why does my husband seem uninterested in me sexually?
There could be various reasons your husband appears disinterested in sex, such as unresolved conflict, lack of intimacy, or unmet needs within your relationship. Also, heightened stress levels and physical or mental health issues can significantly affect sexual desire.
What to do when your husband doesn’t want you sexually?
Feeling your husband doesn’t want you sexually is deeply hurtful and confusing. Start by talking with your husband about your concerns and encourage him to share his feelings without judgment. Also, consider seeking the support of a relationship coach trained to help you navigate challenges around sexual intimacy.
Im not sure ill get a response as this article was posted a while ago but here goes, im desperate at this stage.
Im 30yr female and my husband 31. We have been together for 11 years and married for 4. We have sex maybe every 2 months and only when he is really drunk. This has been going on for a few years. I have asked him about it multiple times and he gives different excuses everytime. Such as ‘ive been working a lot’, ‘its hard to be into you when youre in pj looking like a grandma’, ‘you were having stomach issues’ or lately its because he is insecure. I took on board what he said and got some sexy underwear and tried and he still wanted to play playstation with me instead. Ive asked about the insecurity about his rash and he has always had it so not sure why its only an issue now days, he couldnt explain.
I tried having 3 somes as he suggested it and i am bi so its fun. But then i didnt want to anymore as he would only want sex if there was another girl there. He would also spend most of the time complimenting her and saying how amazing she is, one time one of the girls was like ‘youre wife is pretty hot and amazing too’.
We used to have sex during the days when i got out the shower. Now i get out the shower and he doesnt look at me. Ive raised this with him and he just brushes it off. Even when i calmly ask about sex he gets annoyed and says he is attracted to me but its because x y z or whatever excuse.
Ive now stopped initiating and so we dont have sex. He doesnt kiss me and when i try kiss him he turns his head or just pecks me. He doesnt hold my hand. He doesnt compliment me when i dress up.
He honestly just seems to not be into me, i tell him about my day and he is on his phone or says he doesnt want to know. He gets annoyed at me for little things and tells me to stop talking to loud when i talk to waiters or order drinks.
I cook for him every night and he says he doesnt cook for me as i wouldnt like it and i am too difficult. Hes never got me a birthday gift just tells me to buy something. He doesnt organise dates but complains that i never organise anything. I organise and booked a table for somewhere last week but he wasnt hungry and didnt want to go.
I bought us bed covers as he said he wanted new ones and then when he changed the bed covers he wouldnt use the ones i got as i didnt ask his opion or didnt talk to him about them. I buy all the things he asks for and its never normally an issue. He wont buy his own clothes and complains he doesnt have any nice stuff so i get them for him (we have a joint bank account).
He also goes through my phone as hes commented and dms ive written to friends. I know he watches porn and ive walked in on him multiple times. I wouldnt mind him watching porn if we were also having sex, but we arent. Im spicy in the bedroom and change it up a lot but i honestly dont think im his type. Im like the nerdy cute girl next door, im slim and not super pretty but not at all ugly (i dont think) but he wants a fake boob, blonse haired porn star lol.
He wont see a therapist for himself (i think hes depressed) and he wont see one with me. I just dont know what to do. I love him and try so hard to be what he wants but it doesnt work. We live together and have a dog and cats and have been together so long i cant imagine life without him. Please help.
Hello Lilly – thank you for sharing, being so open here, and sharing a story that has been relayed by so many spouses. As I’ve read your comment, I kept thinking about how much you’ve been feeling rejected, put on the back burner, and how much you’ve tried whatever you can to get your husband’s affection/attention/touch and sex. Doesn’t seem like anything is working. That has to really hurt and it’s made you go into a very normal and yet painful (and not good) pattern of shutting down, not initiating, but still wanting and wishing he’d give you time to talk, discuss, go out, have fun, be sexual, and passionate. The attempts for threesomes, while an understandable attempt to make things better, were only more poison to your pain. Threesomes in marriages are often used as a way to try to save the passion, but they just aggravate the issue more — the partner then only engages sexually when there’s another person and focuses on them more…that stings and usually makes the pain worse. If a couple wants to open a marriage, they must be on good ground and do so with clear boundaries, rules, and expectations and the demand for healthy communication needs to be in place. If you haven’t, please close your marriage to just you two. That’s my first piece of advice. But it’s not the most important, just my first.
Next, I see a lot of red flags. Your partner shuts you out a lot. Sexually he’s doing this, but that is just the veil of the more concerning problems. Sex is usually the thing that makes couples get concerned, but just like being thirsty is a sign that you’ve waited too long to drink water…issues revolving around sex in marriage typically signal other problems that we waited too long to attend to. He won’t open up to you, he rejects your dates, he turns away when you try to kiss him, and he won’t make an effort to take you out, talk to you, or delve into your mind/heart/or pants…there’s great cause for concern. If you want to get out of the martial prison and hurt that you’re in, it’s time to stop asking him to see a counselor with you, you have to demand it. I am not one of ultimatums, but we’re getting real close to, ‘Ilf we don’t do this, our marriage will continue to be miserable’ and that path leads to one of two options (neither is good or great). one you stay together and your lives together are stagnant, full of hurt, shutdown and rejection, and distant partners who pass each other like ships in the night. no intimacy, no contact, no love. Option two – divorce.
You can’t continue to do all that you’re doing and not demand that he go to couple’s coaching/therapy with you. Your post is a common on here and every time the picture is one of the saddest marriages I can imagine. And for the spouses who have kids and live like this…my heart hurts for the whole family. Everyone deserves to be loved, wanted, cared for, attended to, and to have someone who will work for them and work towards learning and growing into the better spouse that they can become. That takes effort. I am sad for your husband too, he sounds like he’s been giving up on life (not just you). I wonder what his workday is like, how he feels when he goes to bed, moves through the motions of life, and how he might be feeling dead inside (and porn might be something that helps him cope, like his alcohol which he clearly uses to medicate his anxieties and then when he does – he wants you, he’s a bit more alive, passionate, and it’s not helping either). Please talk to someone. typically I don’t suggest you see someone alone, not for long anyways, relationships demand both partners to work on stuff so if you go alone it won’t certainly help the marriage but it’ll help you. that’s a good start. but in the long run, we want both of you talking to someone together. We offer complimentary consults which are by phone and don’t cost anything (but there’s definitely an invite to join one of our coaching programs on the call). My main goal is to light a bit of a spark inside you that what you’re experiencing is killing you inside and deadening a very adventurous loving woman who clearly wants to be loved, touched, wanted, and who absolutely deserves that. AS for your husband, something is clearly hurting inside him too, and him hiding it from himself and you isn’t helping. Hopefully he hears you this time around, or at the very least, you begin to work on your own wounds here and where they come from so you can become the change you want to see in your world (and who knows, maybe if you demand it more and get help at least for you, maybe he’ll begin to take action too).
From the male perspective
You have greatly disappointed him or wounded him. He’s not excited about you. Your relationship is an old hat now and he’s accepted the fact that he’s stuck with you. But getting divorced would be worse.
Losing your attractiveness is also a valid disappointment. The only thing he has left is friendship but there is no passion. You can be mad if you want but it’s your fault.
Why is dogs man’s best friend but not woman ? Because dogs know when the Master is displeased it is their fault. They never hold a grudge against the master because It is always the dog’s fault even if they don’t understand it they know it to be true.
But now you’re like the dog that won’t stop peeing on the floor. You can’t do anything right. Unfortunately for you you’re a person not a dog so your pride is going to get in the way.
If he says anything he’s divorced. If he doesn’t say anything eventually he’s divorced. If he does anything he’s divorced. If he doesn’t do anything he’s divorced.
Your husband is not stupid. He’s well aware that most marriages end in Divorce. He also knows that you’re not stupid and Eventually you will grow dissatisfi’d with the situation enough that you’ll file for divorce yourself. He knows that women file for divorce 90 Percent of the time.
He knows that as a woman You can divorce him And find another simp out there to inflate your ego In 5 minutes to get the feel good
There’s always a desperate man out there just around the corner with no standards at all. They haven’t gotten their penis wet In such a long time that they don’t even Know what beauty is anymore.
The bottom line is that your husband has Absolutely no Faith in your commitment To him otherwise he would tell you what’s bothering Him.
And why should he have any Faith in you? He has everything to lose and nothing to gain.
This is why marriage in America is a lost cause because even when men win they lose.
I don’t even remember the last time my husband and I shared a real kiss. He no longer sleeps in our bed, even though I have mentioned multiple times that I get lonely at night. And date night is maybe twice a year? And only because I plan it. I’ve suggested he take a turn planning a date, even an evening at home where we can cook together and watch a movie. He makes excuses that it’s too hard to plan or too expensive or he can’t think of any good ideas. It’s upsetting that he isn’t willing to put in the effort to spend quality time together. I’m tired of being alone every night.
I don’t even remember the last time my husband and I shared a real kiss. He no longer sleeps in our bed, even though I have mentioned multiple times that I get lonely at night. And date night is maybe twice a year? And only because I plan it. I’ve suggested he take a turn planning a date, even an evening at home where we can cook together and watch a movie. He makes excuses that it’s too hard to plan or too expensive or he can’t think of any good ideas. It’s upsetting that he isn’t willing to put in the effort to spend quality time together. I’m tired of being alone every night.
After years of doing all the wage earning, housework, errands, cooking and parenting while my wife did nothing but complain, I lost all interest in her. I was tired of the verbal abuse, gaslighting, being embarrassed by her in public, and her telling lies about me. I don’t want to leave, because our sexist family courts would probably give her custody, and I know the kids would be horribly neglected if I weren’t around. I have no desire to have sex with her. And no, I will not have an affair, do not use porn, and do not masturbate. Although she constantly accuses me of doing all the above. I don’t initiate sex and turn her down if she does. I don’t want to take her on dates, give gifts, or even touch her. With men, it’s no respect = no attraction. I really wish she would walk out the door and never come back. She is nothing but a constant negative influence in my life, and I have no desire to associate with any woman ever again.
You sound my like husband. Raff?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years. He’s a lot older than me he’s in his 50s. Things were very sexual at the beginning.. about 5 years ago he started having ED. I took it personally and it really hurt me. But he developed major performance anxiety from it, because he saw how it hurt me, which didn’t help him. and it was just a mess. Also when we have sex he just acts like its routine, like robotic. He doesn’t make me feel intimate.
Otherwise he is very affectionate throughout the day, kisses me, hugs me, holds my hand etc. which is all great.
I just want someone to desire me and it hurts when he can’t get it up.
Over the last year or so he really tried to make things better so I give him credit for that. But I noticed he was looking at pornographic photos of naked women. As far as I know he doesn’t watch porn but like looks at photos. For all I know he watches porn when I’m not home. I confronted him about it and he lied and said he doesn’t do that. But I know it was a lie. So now I’m like, if he lies about that what else does he lie about? if he’s fantasizing over other women when he cant even get it up with me.. It was a rough year for him, financial stress, family stress. like everything was falling apart. SO I let it slide.. I would prefer It not to become a habit, because if you love someone you want them and only them.. Right?? Plus getting off on other women just screws everything up. Expectations change etc.
But things got a little better in the bedroom. I think he was like conditioning himself for that. But now he always wants to turn the lights off when we are intimate.
And now I’m thinking about this, like is this because he thinks im not attractive?
I cannot compare to porn stars with fake boobs. He’s looking at these women with massive boobs and I have like A-cups. It does make me a bit insecure but I try to not let it get to me. He claims he lives for me. And he used to be very attracted to me for sure. this is all new, and I’m wondering what I’ve done wrong.
Can I ask is this normal??? like, if he can now perform in bed with me should I just be happy and forget about the rest? I dont need sex a crazy amount of time.. just like a few times a month is good for me. He doesn’t seem to want it too too much, but never has. that hasn’t changed in 12 years.
My husband and I have been together for ten years married for nine. We were very active in bed when we first got together and were fairly regular as time went on. Recently though since we moved and my husband had a promotion, and he has high blood pressure he cannot get it up. He says he cannot take viagra. He started watching porn again which I am very against. I try to initiate anything but I get turned down. Me trying to get up will take to long he says. I am so frustrated and hurt.
Samantha,
I’m 38 and have been married for 19 years. If my husband did that, I’d walk away without remorse.
You shouldn’t be the only one putting the effort into your marriage. He’s slacking and making you feel unwanted, it’s time to cut him out.
Pamper yourself, love yourself! ❤️
Move on! Remember, he is easily replaced and maybe he needs to feel this in order to see your worth.
You need to see your worth.
You’re a beautiful soul, don’t forget that! 🥰
Yeah this can’t be real… dude started a new role in a new city, probably stressed AF and you would walk?
Probably a great thing for him!
Wow how about have empathy for your man he could be going through a lot of stress with new job supporting his family and you want to what walk away
deadgirlalive1969! @yahoocom. I can turn him on while we are kissing then to have sex he can’t
Lose your extra weight. Wives have no excuse to carry extra weight. Wear some sexy lingerie – not the tame stuff, something that makes YOU feel like a dirty whore. Learn to do a lap dance. Learn to deepthroat. Swallow.
We are naughtier than you think. I am sick of initiating. Mine days he us in much touch with his feminine side. Not sure if he us cheating again, having a crisis, or switching teams. Men are sick fucks and do are you @chauvanistic
Agreed!
Stop advising other women to leave their husbands. Just stop!!!!
The most satisfying answer… I have found here
Hi Samantha- this must be very difficult for you and I really sympathise with your situation. The best thing to do is to immediately stop initiating sex with him, stop doing all those little extra things for him like special meals, organising date nights etc, and start putting all your energy into yourself and your children if you have any.
It’s also time to set some boundaries with your husband- tell him that if the porn continues, you will no longer be his primary source of being fed and looked after around the home, and that he will now be responsible for taking care of his other needs, as he is already doing that sexually with his porn habit. This is not easy at first and takes alot of courage to initiate, especially if you are financially dependent on him and have no other means of support. If you do however, start by setting up your own banking account, inform him which bills you will contribute to and how much is fair to each of you, and how he will now be responsible alot more at home.
When men see that women mean business and are prepared to take serious action over disrespectful behaviour, they most often will sit up and take notice and make changes. If things continue as they are and a woman makes no attempts to change anything or set boundaries, the bad behaviour just continues- often for years and years of total misery.
This is not a game- this is about putting yourself and your needs above his and realising that in order to be happy he must learn to respect you and your marriage- even if it takes tough love to get there. Men do not want women they can easily disrespect or treat contemptably, no matter what they say to the contrary. I’ve been where you are, and I’ve learned that standing up for myself, being strong and setting firm boundaries are the only way to gain respect from a man. Its not all easy sailing, but at least you can hold your head high and know you’ve tried your best.
Good luck and all the best.
I am 2 years into healing from his affair. I accept some responsibility for our marriage problems and have been working on being a better wife. One of the complaints was our very vanilla sex life. I have gotten more creative in the bedroom, open to new ideas and toys. Important to mention, husband struggles with ED, so intercourse is almost out of the question. He recently bought a sex doll, claiming it was for me. I’m noticing that we can’t have any intimacy without “her” involved. He even takes Viagra but has intercourse with the doll to the point of finishing while I sit on the sidelines. He made the comment that sex is easier with the doll! How do I handle this? I feel replaced by a silicone doll
Hello Jenn – as I read your comment, I just have to ask, ‘has he accepted responsibility for the infidelity?’ I just get this sense you’re taking a lot of responsibility, and wonder if he’s done the work to make you feel safe, heard, and done what you need to feel emotionally connected and grounded as a couple? that part is really important too. The doll thing shows me there’s some big issues at play that are not purely ED but more what is typical with physical intimacy and ED which is mental and emotional. Of course a doll is easier, there is no one talking back, needing, or requiring nurturing. In no way do I want to sound like I am blaming your partner, but I also want to stress that my insight is you are needing connection and not getting it and now the doll has taken a role in your relationship that keeps you feeling on the ‘out’ I don’t ever judge a couple and have heard so much I know there are many complexities in relationships that are nuance. The thing I get here is you don’t feel connected to your partner, there’s been an infidelity and I can’t let that go without inquiring into what has been done to heal from that trauma in the relationship (most couples try to ‘get over it’ but don’t and can’t until it’s actually been addressed and healed). It’s good to hear you are open to trying new things and lack of stimulation and excitement can lead couples to disconnect, but that in no way makes this a YOU problem or issue you must deal with alone. I hope you two seek some support to speak with someone, my gut tells me you are increasingly feeling less wanted, emotionally ignored, and are not getting the intimacy you desire (intimacy being a big spectrum of touch, conversation, and sexual intimacy). I am sure there are many good things too, so, I am only focused on what you left as a comment and it tells me you and your spouse will do well to speak with someone so you can heal, come together, and both of you can have the intimacy/connection you desire.
What if you are married 40 + years,no intimacy,no sex for ten years,do u still stay?, What are you staying for.
Leave ..emotional abandonment and denial of sex are legitimate reasons to leave. You will feel empowered without a male figure in a contract with you.
I feel so backwards in all the comments here. I’m a 39 yr old male. I want loving all the time. I would do it everyday if I could. To me I love the sensuality of it all, sex is more than an hour event for me, I find myself thinking about touching every inch of my wife, I enjoy to give massages, every touch for me is electricity. I am a sensual man every aspect of loving is important and I would never leave the bedroom unless I leave her as a puddle of jello. I guess I love the idea of controlling how she orgasms. My problem seems to be the opposite then most people here. My wife of 16 years has no interest in sex at all. I didn’t think I asked much, I love a girl in heels, I have bought some very sexy heels for her but she has no interest at all to wear any. I’m not even asking for her to wear them in public just in the home, I asked her to tell me she’s not wearing underwear even if she is… the thought that she isn’t on my mind all day…sigh…. I have turned to pornography but I hate it.. I want the touch of my wife. I watch more for quality of my life, because otherwise all I think of is sex, I can’t go out in public I start to fantasize about anyone around me and that’s not honoring to my wife and I am ashamed of myself. I would do anything to change the situation I am in, I am very affectionate, I have no problems losing weight though I am fit and healthy, I would strip tease, wash dishes , mop the floor in a thong I really don’t care… all I want is to be desired by my wife and I don’t know what else I can do. Ive learned to time when she gets changed just so i can see her, We have sex maybe once every 2 months now, I hate to beg, but I try to ask respectfully, eventually she gives in but that just breaks my heart. I don’t want it if your just placating me. I haven’t had an orgasm from sex in a long time, I usually go take care of myself afterwards. And in truth I don’t even do it for the orgasm, I just want the intimacy. The kiss, the snuggle afterwards. In all honesty I thought this was the case for most couples I always thought the guy was the initiator and women just turned them down all the time. I had no idea men would rather watch porn than kiss their wife. I’m confused. I compliment her, call her beautiful as often as I can, I encourage and support, I have communicated my frustrations, but the response is that she’s had 3 kids and has no desire anymore. Is that normal? Is there something I can do to lower my libido? I’ve just always thought the problem was with me…. I was hoping by hitting 40 my want would wane to match hers but I’m not that lucky.
She could be starting menopause, which can cause a huge dip in libido. She could be depressed. Maybe you aren’t speaking her love language(look it up if you aren’t sure). Talk to her about it. If she knows you are watching porn, she’s going to feel even worse about her body, so that should be stopped asap. There are filters that you can use to help curb the temptation. Covenant eyes is one of them.
Maybe counseling would be beneficial for both of you.
Oh wow, that just broke my heart to read that. I would give anything to have a man love and want me the way that you desire your wife. I’m stuck in a relationship where I don’t get much romantic love. Yes we have sex about once a week and he usually makes sure my needs are met, but from time to time he complains that it’s too much work trying to ensure that I orgasm every single time. That’s prolly the reason he stopped being intimate with me every other day like we used to. But I can’t help that I never have and can’t orgasm from penitration alone. And putting a vibrator to my own self during intercourse feels like I’m just getting myself off with a vibrator and isn’t satisfying to me. I want my man to get me off. Not having to touch myself during our intimate time to get off or whatever. What’s the point of having intimacy with another person if u have to get yourself off every time. I can do that alone. No I want my man to please me. The way you seek out to try to meet ur wife’s needs sounds amazing. I wish my man would try to make changes for me. I never get any kind of intimate touch unless we are having sex and stuff. Thats the only time he pays attention to me sexually or intimately. The only kiss I ever get besides the once a week sex time, is a peck on the lips goodbye when he leaves to work. No intimate kiss on the couch, no holding hands or cuddling anymore. We have a two and four year old and don’t get much alone time. But he won’t make time for me anyways. Even when both kids are preoccupied and we do have some free time, he wont spend that with me. We usually are in different rooms and I’m watching TV or stitching ans he is on his phone. He has been on the phone alot lately. Even when I ask him to put it down and pay attention to me, he doesn’t hear me. The only way he listens to me is only after I get to the point of yelling to get his attention. I dont want to have to yell for him to pay attention to me. I want him to when I ask the first time. I want him to without me even having to ask. Yeah I have gained weight. I have had four kids. I’m 200 now. But I’m still pretty. He still finds me sexy sometimes but usually only when he is really horny anyways and it’s been about a week since he got off. He used to flirt with me daily. I’m just not attractive to him anymore. He hints around alot for me to lose weight. But its hard when I’m depressed and my only happiness is food bc I have no life. No friends, no family who cares much anymore. No life besides sitting at home and taking care of kids and cleaning up their messes all day every day. It sucks. I want a life so I can lose weight. If I stopped eating the foods I loved, then I would be miserable. Eating only diet food, taking care of toddlers and dealing with them making messing and fighting with no one to talk to ir ever visit in person with and a man who doesn’t support u emotionally or care about how u feel or that u can even talk to about how ur feeling bc he will say something negative to u instead of trying to make u feel better, that’s a miserable sounding life.
Sounds like she doesn’t appreciate or realizes what she has. I wish I had this with my husband
I think any women that read what you wrote would want to clone you for themselves. I echo everything you said but reversed as I am a woman. I get submerged in the feelings of intimacy all of it. Makes my heart pound and almost puts me a ease in a sense. You are very connected to yourself and desires. She is a very, very lucky woman to have you. Hope she realizes that.
Take Care
You Sound exactly like me. I think we all require different levels of physical touch and intimacy. For me nothing would make me feel more loved and desires than having my hubby wanting me daily. Of course I’m the one wanting some kind of physical intimacy daily or at least every other lol but he is always tired and makes me feel to needy!
I think any women that read what you wrote would want to clone you for themselves. I echo everything you said but reversed as I am a woman. I get submerged in the feelings of intimacy all of it. Makes my heart pound and almost puts me a ease in a sense. You are very connected to yourself and desires. She is a very, very lucky woman to have you. Hope she realizes that.
Take Care
“I didn’t think I asked much, I love a girl in heels, I have bought some very sexy heels for her but she has no interest at all to wear any. I’m not even asking for her to wear them in public just in the home,”
The only thing I have an issue with is that you’re asking her to do things that make her seem attractive to you, versus asking her what things would make HER feel more attractive about herself. A lot of women are responsive desire, whereas men are spontaneous desire. You might like her in heels, but if that’s not how she feels sexy then that’s not going to work.
I have been together with my man for only 3 months. I noticed I was the one who initiate intimacy more Ann addressed that to him. He said that he stopped seeing me as a sexual object because of the many times I turned him down in the beginning (as we started dating he kind of pushed me to be intimate but I rejected him as I was still not ready for that).
As a woman (attractive one) I felt bad hearing this and wanted to stop seeing each other and he agreed. The thing however is that I really like him and miss him. Do you think there is still a chance for us or is it better to let go..?
I’m a 45 y/o woman who wants sex at least once a week and my spouse is a 52y/o man who only wants sex about every 2 months. And the sex is 10 minutes long (if he can get it up)with no real foreplay and we both get off then it’s business as usual. I feel like I can’t initiate sex because he has always turned me down since we started living together 9 years ago. He is always son social media (chatting with other women) and looking at porn and masturbates regularly but says he’s happy with and attracted to me. I’m feel so alone and sexually dissatisfied but I do care about him and I am still physically attracted to him. I’m so tired of having sex with myself as I can only get off from penetrative sex and I prefer to have a partner rather than an inanimate object. He keeps talking about getting married but I can’t marry someone who probably won’t even want to consummate our marriage. I feel so lost and dread the thought of splitting up at this time in my life. Is this what life becomes?
Luis I would really like some input on this situation as I’m literally sitting in limbo with my relationship. I care about my spouse but it’s killing me. I’ve thought about asking to open the relationship for me but I don’t want to have sex with anyone else, just him. I feel so alone that I think maybe I would be better off alone rather than putting so much energy into a relationship that isn’t reciprocal. My spouse suddenly has absolutely no libido now and says he’s working on it with his doctor but I don’t foresee anything positive coming of it.
L – Happy to offer some input. Given the info you have given, it sounds like your partner is saying it’s biological. If that is the case, what does he tell his doctor says? Typically it’s low test or depression, and most often (according to experts in the field of sexuality) it’s in the mind. This is why I typically suggest couples start talking to someone, so much of intimacy is emotional, even for men.
Opening the relationship at this point is a bad idea. I have nothing against any relationship and fully support any type of relationship partners design. The problem isn’t open or closed, it’s the foundation. Even healthy poly and open couples have the fundamentals down, and I’d stress that quite often they have to work double-time to get those fundamentals in place in order to have a healthy, safe, and open relationship. Also, after doing this work for quite a long time, I personally believe (with strong evidence) very few people are truly wired to be in an open relationship.
When I hear you say, “maybe I would be better off alone rather than putting so much energy into a relationship that isn’t reciprocal” I take that to mean that your partner’s low libido and your sexual frustration have stronger undertones that extend outside of the bedroom… Almost every single time I approach intimacy problems with couples, we always uncover other underlying issues. Intimacy most of the time is a symptom of bigger problems. If intimacy is where we compound our problems, it’s oftentimes easier to zoom out and look at where these problems also exist. For example, a woman will complain about the intimacy but then add that their partner doesn’t help around the house that much, or doesn’t take time to listen to her feelings, or doesn’t do things to make her feel attractive and wanted — and those issues, believe it or not, are bigger than the sex stuff. If we can clear those zoomed-out issues, quite often, the intimacy stuff begins to resolve itself or it’s just much easier to approach the topic and utilize healthy skills to resolve intimacy.
What do you think? Am I right to point out, that with the limited information I have here, you are saying that your partner’s lack of reciprocity also exists outside the bedroom? And, if he is going to the doctor it would be good to know in finer detail what he and the doctor are up to — you deserve to be in the know.
If you want to have some expert input feel free to write more here or reach out for a consult/session. Happy to be of service.
Let me just add something that i didn’t read mentioned. I have been with my partner for 4 years. And, as much as i love her i want to slit my throat after thinking about the decision i made to stay with her. WHY????? MENOPAUSE.. Created by the devil himself. — throw on a dabble of depression, knee surgery, IBS-D, anxiety, Battered wife syndrome from her X husband, Fibromyalgia, complete body pains, sleep disorders, and other health issues she has and i sometimes just don’t know what to do. This is not a joke. I’m 51 and she’s 58. I’ve known her for 20 years and always thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and had a great personality. Until we started dating. Holy crap, why didnt i act on the RED FLAGS??!! And i just kept trying and trying and now it’s like i just feel sorry for her because she can’t control her health issues, and she’s not at all at fault. I don’t want to abandon her but i am so damn lost that even know i’m in a down whirl spiral of depression. I read the above article and just feel EVERYTHING THAT WAS WRITTEN.. I just needed to get this out.. Sorry for the story.. i wish all luck who are going through their challenges. This shit is NO JOKE..
Thank you Luis and you are mostly right about the more than just intimacy issues. I blame myself for allowing him to disrespect me and to allow him to not be helpful around the house, but I own that. I have opened up about my feelings many times in hope that maybe we can work on these things but I feel unheard as he usually cuts me off or turns things around or he just picks up his cellphone while I’m talking. We have attempted counselling twice in the past and he ends up storming out when he doesn’t like what he hears. I don’t know what else to do and this complete lack of intimacy really makes it worse. He won’t really share what’s happening at his doctors appointments other than to say he’s working on it.
I really appreciate you reading this and letting me vent somewhere safe.
Buddy I am literally in the exact same boat. I’m 49 she’s 54. Menopause started halfway through last year and I don’t even know this woman anymore. We can do nothing everything hurts. Sex drive GONE. Menopause is unbelievable and I’m really doing all my best to work with her. Suggesting hormone replacement therapy anything at this point would be awesome. So frustrated and feeling unwanted sucks!!
Check his search history and look for porn. That’ll ruin a man’s sex drive if he into it too much. It happened to me. Four months of great sex started to wane all of a sudden. He was watching it at work and home. I even found out he jerked off on our 1st yr anniversary and we didn’t have sex that night. I even saw that he watched it for hours on end. Disgusting.
Porn, online chatting with other women…. he’s not FAITHFUL if he’s getting off on myriads of OTHER women!! Who can compete with that?!? He needs to get off the porn and focus his sexuality on YOU- Professional help- It’s an addiction that will lead to an empty, unloving relationship, where you are left in a continually broken hearted, sexually ignored state. It’s NOT erectile dysfunction, or a physical issue- If he won’t get professional help, RUN!!!
My husband and I have been married for years.
But for the last 25 years he no longer wants me. He would rather masterbait. I cry softly often. He gets angry when I bring it up.
What I want is to feel loved.
Why me. Why did I marry someone that had to of known that he possibly had a preference. I never dreamed I would be so lonely.
I have been so lonely for years.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m laying here crying in the same situation. In every way else he loves me. We fixed all medical deficits. He is still mot aroused and continues to watch porn instead of reaching for me. I’m very fit and sexy. So it’s not about the looks at all. We are 49 and 55.
This sort of is like what is going on in my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years. He’s a lot older than me. Things were very sexual at the beginning.. about 5 years ago he started having ED. I took it personally and it really hurt me. But he developed major performance anxiety from it, because he saw how it hurt me, which didn’t help him. and it was just a mess. Also when we have sex he just acts like its routine, like robotic. He doesn’t make me feel intimate.
Otherwise he is very affectionate throughout the day, kisses me, hugs me, holds my hand etc. which is all great.
I just want someone to desire me and it hurts when he can’t get it up.
Over the last year or so he really tried to make things better so I give him credit for that. But I noticed he was looking at pornographic photos of naked women. As far as I know he doesn’t watch porn but like looks at photos. For all I know he watches porn when I’m not home. I confronted him about it and he lied and said he doesn’t do that. But I know it was a lie. So now I’m like, if he lies about that what else does he lie about? if he’s fantasizing over other women when he cant even get it up with me.. It was a rough year for him, financial stress, family stress. like everything was falling apart. SO I let it slide.. I would prefer It not to become a habit, because if you love someone you want them and only them.. Right?? Plus getting off on other women just screws everything up. Expectations change etc.
But things got a little better in the bedroom. I think he was like conditioning himself for that. But now he always wants to turn the lights off when we are intimate.
And now I’m thinking about this, like is this because he thinks im not attractive?
I cannot compare to porn stars with fake boobs. He’s looking at these women with massive boobs and I have like A-cups. It does make me a bit insecure but I try to not let it get to me. He claims he lives for me. And he used to be very attracted to me for sure. this is all new, and I’m wondering what I’ve done wrong.
Can I ask is this normal??? like, if he can now perform in bed with me should I just be happy and forget about the rest? I dont need sex a crazy amount of time.. just like a few times a month is good for me. He doesn’t seem to want it too too much, but never has. tHat hasn’t changed in 12 years
We have been married for 30 years. very active and fun sex life for a long time. I have gained weight, my husband has health issues that have impacted his mobility and physicality. we really love being together but the sex has dropped off dramatically. i discovered he has been masterbating and it has wrecked me. i feel betrayed but have pretty much just blamed myself for it due to gaining weight. i want to lose the weight but i am afraid that once that happens and he is interested again that i may feel resentful and sad. but then again, i’m already pretty depressed about it. i just have to lose the weight and see what happens i guess.
It’s not the weight, and even if it is, it’s only a smidge of what the deeper issues are. I can tell from various responses, i need to make it much clear: your weight and appearance are only a fraction and most likely irrelevant. What matters the most is the emotional connection. Have you taken time to talk to him about how you’re feeling and check in with him so as to help create a deeper dialogue. If he does orgasm so fast and shows such little interest in sex, it’s very realistically possible he’s ashamed, has hang-ups…there’s a list of things that it could be. The only way you’ll know is if you two can open up a dialogue. Your weight is most likely not even an issue, and even if it is, the most powerful step is helping you two have stronger communication. Intimacy, for men and all people, is about connection.
I took your advice and began a conversation about it. I took a deep breath and just started! Ugh. It was hard to begin but it was worse just dwelling on it and not solving anything between us. I did not want to make him feel in any way embarrassed or attacked about masterbating, but more importantly how it was impacting our relationship. Firstly, he denied it. He said that it’s possible that he is ejaculating in his sleep. I am not sure this is entirely the truth. I’m not exactly sure if this is something that happens to men sometimes or not, maybe it is especially if they haven’t had sex in a while. (opinion?) We both did agree that my weight does play a part because (most) men are visual and he admitted honestly that he has been more turned on by when I’ve been in shape. I decided to listen to his honest thoughts and not be offended. I don’t disagree because I do have to lose weight. I’ve let myself get overweight and lazy in that area. Not saying that I have to be perfect, but at least making an effort to show that I care about myself, my health and the physical aspect of our sex lives. Next we had an open conversation about needing to put more effort in to getting fit together (bike riding together, encouraging each other to eat right, cooking healthy meals together etc.) Due to certain health struggles that he is battling with right now he told me that he doesn’t feel as attractive as he used to when he was younger, stronger and more fit. It seems that as we’ve gotten older we have both had our own issues that deeply impacts our self image and that spills over into our sex lives in lots of ways. Not as much flirty touching, getting naked in front of each other, showering together…all which used to lead to more fun in the bedroom. We agreed that we both need to make more of an effort in making our sex life a priority. We can too easily fall into a rut…I work until I’m so tired that I just crash at the end of the night, and my husband enjoys movies until he is tired. We have to get back to making “sex dates”. It will take work, but a little effort does go a long way. Last question…do you think it’s possible that he was just embarrassed to admit that he releases himself so he doesn’t have to go through the effort of having sex? is it possible he is having these “wet dreams” ? He said that he is experiencing low T and has urinary issues. Maybe it’s just a lot of his own physical frustrations that also play a part. It felt great to open up the dialogue and get some of my fears and frustrations out in the open. I think he needed reassurance that I still find him attractive and that was the last thing I thought he needed. Then we showered and got naked. lol
I’m happy for you Marta 😊. I hope more couples can find their way together through conversation. I have tried having that conversation before and he got so defensive even though I was very cognizant of using “I feeI” instead of “you” statements. He always turns things around as my fault and then gets angry and leaves the room. You are a lucky lady that your spouse listens to you and wants to work on your relationship together
Wow this has to be written by a man
Lose weight
Get kinky
Do everything to make your man happy
It’s 2022 not 1952
Scarey artical no wonder women prefer to be single
Not sure how you get that there are suggestions to ‘lose weight’ or ‘get kinky’
If that is the primary takeaway you got, I apologize because that is not the intention here. Nearly 2,000 words and the words ‘kinky’ or weight are barely mentioned for a reason. Losing weight does not equate to marital satisfaction and attraction. The data is clear about that. It can help some to do things to spice things up, but at the root of marital dissatisfaction is always a couple who is missing emotional connection.
I am not an advocate of basic topical and quite often unhelpful suggestions such as ‘get kinky’ or ‘lose weight.’ Those things can be helpful, but that’s not what my 15 years of research show to be at the root of marital conflict, discontent, or unhappiness. The goal of the article is to say – here are the signs that your partner may not be attracted to you. From there the article goes on to say, “You can try losing weight, changing your clothes, flirting more, being sexier, and whatever else. But quite often the root issue is something that only a professional can help address.” The fact that many women do not feel sufficiently loved, attractive, and cared about in their marriage is not about ‘attractiveness’ but rather about deeper underlying relationship challenges such as; how we talk about issues, how we listen, how we stay emotionally connected, and much more which is of more importance than ‘staying fit.’
I do agree though, the article can be scary. Given the data that shows many women do not feel attractive to their spouse, that is scary.
To assure we are all clear, the advice isn’t to ‘lost weight’ or ‘get kinky.’ All that can easily be found in Vogue, Cosmo, or any grocery store check-out line. My advice, as stated in the article is to create open communication. Despite what pop culture suggests to women ‘getting skinny’ to being more attractive it’s pretty clear that marital longevity and happiness is not found in body types, but rather in deep emotional connection. And because our bodies change, there is no way we can keep up with superficial ideas of attraction. Attraction, at its core, is about how well couples can stay connected emotionally.
Men and women alike can find themselves feeling dissatisfied for many reasons. The answer is always in emotional connection, open communication, reduced conflict, stronger and faster recovery after fights, and a bond between two great friends who love and trust each other. Everything else is icing on a cake.
I hope this helps to clarify things a bit. If you have any advice as to how this might be clearer in the article or other articles we are always open to hearing from readers. I appreciate your comment and hope you know now that the intention is to guide couples towards deeper connections and not towards cheap vogue advice telling women to change their bodies.
If it was written by a man can he send it to my partner of 22 years. We had a normal sex life till 2013 for 13 years slowly intimacy was withheld then ceased altogether I put it down to his health by accident I came across a secret twitter account and found out he had been having an emotional affair with a female workmate who he worked night shift with. I’d never heard her name or met one person who he worked with. Stupidly I took the ‘were just friends’ you don’t keep platonic friends secret he refused to let me be on his social media especially Facebook. All the nights I’d layed at home alone worrying about him while he was playing games, once in 22 years has he mentioned me as the Mrs went to ?? Only as I told him it was embarrassing when my friends were posting holiday snaps, meals out etc. Later I found out he had lied said going to a man’s work do it was hers 5 mins before taxi came he was in the bathroom liking her outfit for the night and came home at 6am only as he’d gone at 6pm and at 5.50am I txt said r u coming home. he went to visit her at home once with other workmates as she had broke her ankle in a drunken fall it then came out he went twice and alone. The same time I was in hospital with pneumonia and he wasn’t able to visit me. He isnt from this area and got 4 buses each time before i bought him a car. I asked to check his phone first time ever in 2017 he promised he hadnt seen her since 2015 yet she was at his leaving do in 2017 again im not invited to and one photo of Me on and loads of them draped round each other at various events looking like a couple. He deleted them then I found the first ever di*k pic I’d seen he had sent to her he said it was Banter.. bullshit it’s disgusting and he said it wasn’t him and out of the 8 billion people how did the picture look the double of him the pattern of his bit of chest hair. He’s always breadcrumbs me next month, next holiday etc and laugh or cry now we have been intimate twice since 2013 it’s now 2022 we share the same bed and he will hold my hand couldn’t pick me out in a line up..I know he has a libido as he’s watched porn not as often now. I’m no prude but this was filth and does DIY I think disrespectful he can have intimacy not me I can’t remember the last time I had a real kiss or his hand slipped anywhere. I’ve asked him if he wants to leave he says no I’m the love of his life I’m not sure if he’s punishing me for taking away his playmate. By withholding intimacy. Previously his phone was tattooed to him now I know why. Now he’s put my birthday as passcode and I’ve told him if I ask for his phone I expect him to pass it and if he doesn’t go all tantrumsish I’ll know nothing to hide. I even had to give him lessons into how to txt colleagues professionally and if they start with the xxxx etc to say work related please. Has he become lax with the phone as he knows I won’t look. Facebook he says it’s for privacy taken add friends off and no friends shown and the same 3 pictures since 2013. He has apologised for being naive and bit dim and for hurting my feelings. Yes and now I can’t tell if you are lying, trustworthy, cheating again just better at it. Did something physical happened grass not greener when all your workmates have done it too or is he feeling too bad to be intimate with
me as I’m second best and he’s staying for my house my car he’d have to get a little bedsit if he left. Not once has he not defended her in the few times it comes up. And in 2013 I was diagnosed with Addisons Disease till 2015 so he was at it when I was at rock-bottom with my health and she was one year older than his stepdaughter. Now I don’t want to be intimate with him but I want to have human contact and kisses and cuddles from someone who makes me feel wated, attractive, loved etc. I’m sick of lying in the dark crying quietly as I stare at his back. I have laughed with him over the last few weeks saying we are like roomates..he has no empathy and all the conversations were by me.partly due to the steroids but I’m now biting my gums to not initiate chats and see how long he goes saying nothing. Anyway sorry rant but a healthy guy is getting itcsomewhere and not once in years even been tempted for pity or charity sex packing his bags tomorrow
Sorry to hear that, Angie. Are you doing better now? I’ve been in a similar situation. My husband refused sex or any type of intimacy for a long time (thankfully that changed during the pandemic).
But yes…I had the same problem as you. He refused sex, preferred porn, chatting with women online, emotional affairs with coworkers, an ex-girlfriend, and he even implied (to married male friends of his) that he had possibly visited hookers.
The last part I can’t prove…but it showed that he wasn’t who I thought he was. Oh, and he also told one of the coworkers (a woman I suspect him of cheating with) that he wanted to be “childfree” despite telling me for years that he wanted kids.
I’m attractive, not fat, keep myself in shape and have tried to do all the “right” things. Sometimes we have to realize that we are not the problem here. We can’t fix what is broken in somebody else.
We can only work on self-improvement and self-worth. If they don’t change their ways, then we have to find a way out so that we are not hurt even more.
Also, what you said about social media…that is one way that I caught him. After many years of marriage, I noticed (in addition to other things) that he wouldn’t take pictures with me anymore.
He claimed that it was “privacy” and his job, but over time I realized that he was being secretive.
He pretended to dislike social media but was using it to chat with women, look at porn, etc.
He was also (like your partner) acting single at work. Sometimes he would mention me to people at his job, but I only met a few of them.
Otherwise he was trying to hide the fact that he was married. It came out when we were on vacation last year and he blew up at an event where our photos were taken by a professional photographer.
He got so mad that I was stunned at first. Then I started to wonder, and then I started to connect the dots as to why he acted that way.
He didn’t want anyone to see pictures of us (although I rarely post on social media anyway) because then people would ask questions, and he would have to tell other women that he is married.
My presence isn’t something he can deny or hide anymore. In this New Year, I’ve told him that none of this will be tolerated.
Without mutual respect or trust, our marriage will die. Life is too short.
Stepford wives lol
My wife and I have been married for 25 years, three kiddos, 24, 20, 16. We have lived many different lives together from non-profit world changing jobs to corporate jobs and plenty of hard work in between. My wife has always been the aggressor in intimacy. She points outs that I am the weirdo because she could have sex everyday i am happy with once a week. “Other Men would die for that kind of sexual relationship, I don’t know how good i have it”. We definitely have gone through the childbearing years, raising toddlers, teens, kids dating, and marriage of our kids too, (expensive part with daughters) We love each other more than anything in this life. We share common interests, love hanging out with each other, walks on the beach, watching TV, talking about life together, growing spiritually with each other, being playful, lots of ass slapping, tickling, sexual comments, completely comfortable with each other. Roll back when she was younger, she had 100’s of boyfriends starting at an early age. She admits needing that attention to feel value. I grew up in repressed religious home of pastors always telling me to control my lust issues. I was asked every week if I was masturbating or looking at porn, confronted publicly about it most times. I met this girl who complimented my needs for connection to the non-profit work with kids, they loved her, and I was a bit starchy for anyone to connect with. She made me less starchy and relaxed which I love her for. I grew up in a divorced family at 9 yrs. old, sister pregnant at 15, older sister ran away at 17 never to be seen again, or at least never talks to my mom ever again. I became addicted to porn at age 11 struggled with those desires into my 40’s. Never gave myself completely sexually to my beautiful wife. Fifteen years later the damage has been done and she stopped pursuing me sexually and left it in my lap. I feel completely unable to handle that responsibility. Five years ago she started emotionally cheating on me by loving attention from younger guys and girls too in our world today. She said it made her feel more attracted to me since I wasn’t giving her what she needed. Now she is on a spiritual journey away from me to be her own woman. She feels no sexual attraction to me or with us either. She will says I don’t take her out on dates, I plan them pick a place (vegan) she will tear it down, blame money, say she’s tired, doesn’t feel well, we end up getting coffee, sitting in that car staring at our now Hawaii sunsets, go home and fall asleep in each other’s arms. The spark seems gone. I have been in counseling for my shame issues, but we are so perfect together in the 99% parts of our life but that 1% of the sex department is broken and fractured and sadly make the other 99% seems miserable. Many of the comments talk about weight, my self-esteem has always sucked, i am 6-4 290 lbs she is 5-4 165, I find that body of hers smoking hot she says my looks have never mattered, my actions do, and they aren’t hot. We had never had sex in Hawaii, and now that we live here that seems the case still, I growing to hate it here, but our sex life was broken to start with. I want to die being married to her, if she died, I would go on alone, I don’t want anybody else but not sure were going to survive this brokenness past our last son leaving home in a couple years, here is to hope he stays home for college, fingers crossed, maybe we will figure something out or my penis will fall off and sex will just be about giving to her and we can just be happy otherwise. BTW she has had 100’s of orgasms because I figured that out about 15 years ago (she pushed to figure it out), women should never go with that in their sex life plus it is truly amazing to have control her body that way for just a few minutes. She also knows how to take care of herself if needed, which I wish she was because she would be happier at least but that has also stopped too. I make the toys are charged and they only go dead by sitting around anymore. Any way that’s our life story in a horribly long paragraph. Mahalo
I wouldn’t consider this reply advice but more like something to try. From what you are saying I can relate to both you and your wife. I am also the initiator with my husband a lot of the time lately. I love him more than he could ever know. He has gained weight over the years and so have I, but I still think he is just as handsome as he ever was. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me as much as I do him. I wonder if he is growing bored with me as the years are passing. It hurts my soul not to know. He says one thing but in the back of my mind I’m wondering if it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. One thing I would have to say is a negative about my husband is in the romance department. We go out and eat or movies. But there is not a lot of excitement or change in our dating except finding a different spot on a backroad on the way home to do it. That’s fun. The sex it great from my perspective and he knows what he’s doing. He takes his time and makes sure to take care of me before himself. I will say that it is way easier to make a woman have an orgasm than to make her feel like she is your world in bed. We have never made love and it’s really a shame. He has never taken me anywhere romantic or done anything romantic. I would love that to change at any time.
I wouldn’t begin to know what makes your wife tick sexually or yourself. But if you want the spark back you are going to have to take the initiative to put it back yourself if she’s not going to. From what you say you love and adore her. She seems love love your companionship but seems to need more from you sexually.
Forget dinner. Dinner is overrated and after you eat sometimes you feel so full you can enjoy what comes after. If you can afford a place for the night on the water, rent one. If you can’t, find a beautiful secluded place in the outdoors. Get creative. Lit candles and roses are legit sexy. That’s why you see them in the movies. If she likes music, download some romantic music and put it on shuffle. Don’t tell her where you are going. One night just get her in the car for a drive. Blindfold her when you get close. Take her and make her feel like she is the sexiest woman that has ever existed on earth. Put it in your mind that she is. Comment on how beautiful her body is but say it passionately as you caress her body. Take your time. Leave the toys at home. This night is for the two of you only. Bring some lube though if that’s necessary. There is nothing better than a good smelling man so keep that in mind. Wear cologne that’s sexy but nothing strong. Whatever she loves do it and do it well. Put all that porn mess out of your mind. She is not a fake porn star. This is your soulmate.
If she craves attention then be the one to give it to her. It she want sex nightly then by golly bend her over.
Well, it sounds like you’re both obese so don’t think weight is the issue. It sounds a little late now since she’s already emotionally cheating on you. But why won’t you just initiate some of the sex. Act like you’re attracted and interested in her?
Hi John. It was actually refreshing to read your story. I needed a guys perspective on the struggles of marriage. One of my biggest complaints is that my husband doesn’t make me feel desired. He does surface stuff, pays bills, buys me earrings for valentines day. He is also addicted to porn. I’ve remained faithful to him but there have been some really challenging times. Once we went 6 months without sex. I get attention from other men. Compliments, come one, but I don’t want the attention from anyone but him. I try to take care of my appearance, I’m not a 10 but I’m not a 2 either. I chalk up his being distant to his job stresses him out. I make excuses for his negligence and try to look for the good. The truth is though I’m lonely and I resent him for being so self absorbed. 12 of the things this article mentions my husband does/ doesn’t do. Every now and then he’ll throw me a bone and I’ll naw on that thing for 3 months. I hate how he makes me feel about myself. Sometimes he says the rudest things, like your hair looks dry, or “ how much fatter are you going to get? I don’t like fat people” sometimes he looks at me and I think he’s disgusted. Then I’ll ask him and he says” yea right I was thinking about giving you this D.” So confusing! Our communication sucks!!! He’s a total mystery. His Dad was an alcoholic and abandoned him at a young age, only to show up later and tried to buy his love. He had a good Mom. Mean step Dad but not abusive. I wonder if his inability to love me like I want, and to say nice things stems from a deep brokenness in him. If his self esteem is low and he can’t give me anymore than what he does. I wonder if porn has damaged his views of woman and beauty and sexuality. I wonder and wondering, sucks!!! I here my brother in law tell my sister she’s beautiful and I think does she know how fortunate she is to hear that. I’ve told mysel that when our 17 year old daughter moves out I’ll get an apartment with a friend I fantasize about meeting a man that I would have a deeper connection with. A man that likes to be around people and have fun, a man that talks to me and desires me and thinks I’m beautiful. A man that says “ you are beautiful. I’m sorry your marriage isn’t strong and I’m sorry that you don’t see a solution to your problems. Marriage is worth fighting for I’ve always said but it takes 2.
My husband and I have been together since we were 14, so 24 years now. We dated other people here and there when we were teens but for the most part it has just been us together.
Every night we sleep cuddled up next to one another like we only have a twin size bed. He wraps me up tight in his arms which makes me feel good. I love it. I love him!
We have two teens together. We have both put on weight over the years, gravity it taking hold, some stretch marks are involved. You get the picture. Sex has always been amazing, at least in my opinion. I think he is so handsome and I always compliment him. He use to tell me all the time how hot and sexy I was and how beautiful my eyes are. Now…nada. I mean I know I’m not a 10 but I don’t think I’m a hyena either. I never knew how much I would miss being schmoozed.
I am a sexual woman. I have always enjoyed sex. I’m fine doing it several times a week if not more. I feel like for a while now I have been in initiator and I get shot down more than I would like to admit. Some times he playfully declines and sometimes he’s blunt about it. I mean once in a while I’m not in the mood when he is, but that’s not common. For example, he was off today and I worked. Tonight, while watching a movie, I put my hands down his shorts trying to provoke a certain response. He comments, “Honey, it’s resting in a good spot and you’re messing it up.” 🙁 I know he’s not tired, so of course I’m thinking the worst.
I feel like he is more interested in FB & Tiktok than me. I will walk naked in front of him to try to provoke a glance. That’s about all I get. He’s right back in his phone or he glances right past me to the tv.
It’s really hitting my ego hard. I don’t feel attractive, desirable, or more than a companion. I know he loves me, but it takes more than love to sustain a healthy, long lasting marriage. I just can’t figure out what I can do to make it better. He says nothing is wrong with my body and makes me feel like am being absurd when I bring up how I’m feeling or when I’m about to bust out in tears. I’m willing to loose weight or whatever I need to, but I just feel overwhelmed about it. I mean every woman wants to be romanced by her husband. She wants to feel beautiful and sexually attractive to him. I’m I having to compete with women he sees on Tiktok or what? I don’t think he is having an affair. I don’t even know anymore. I’m curious to get a mans perspective on this.
All of or most of the statements mentioned above is my husband. Married 55 years and things never got going in regards to sex and intimacy. First couple years were ok after that nothing, he told me he wanted to be just friends who happen to be married. He has always since he was 23 had erection problems and all the doctors he saw could never help him out. I would have bet a 100 dollars if he was in a room with 25 naked women and a TV he would chose the tv. There is no interest in any female, he likes art drawing things but won’t draw any human form, super handy building things and fixing cars. After all these years I didn’t leave him, and I’m sure he would have missed me as a friend or sister but not as a married partner.
He would rather be alone and he has lived in his own space away from me, worked the midnight shift forever all weekends, holidays and never accepted any vacation. His company banked all the refused vacation and sick days and retired him over a year early. He was never a bad person I had everything I wanted in life except kids and my husband. (he has no real friends and goes no where)
He is a military guy, and he volentered at the V.A. when he can. Some reason he calls that home, which makes me feel worse.
As you can probably tell I still can’t figure him out and it’s way to late in my life to worry about any more.
As a fateful husband of almost 25 years it’s not always the man. I am so tired of hearing it’s the mans fault. I shared the work load at home, shared caring for the kids…. Worked my butt off bringing home the bacon to the tune of $140,000 a year. I have gave plenty of gifts, flowers and candy. Beautiful beach vacations with her family. Brand new expensive SUV’s to drive. . Brand new homes…Always recognized that she still works (teacher, 40,000 a year). Told her I loved her all the time. Did everything she wanted. But according to her everything is my way all the time…and about me. Every vacation was what she wanted, holidays the same., no matter what it was it was her way. She would leave me alone constantly to see her family. who live out of state. My job requires a lot and I couldn’t always travel… but that never mattered she would pack my kids and leave me alone at home, Christmas? Birthdays…. Didn’t matter. I ate plenty of frozen TV dinners on holidays…Sex has been a regular 10 times a year most of which occurs in the summer. I have always been very sexual. I have begged to be together just 2-3 a month. But you would turn me down. I would put on nice clothes … none of it mattered… I am super clean about myself so it wasn’t anything thing like that…Of course this did nothing good for our marriage. As time moved on I turned to porn not because I wanted to either. You caught me and would be mad?! Are you kidding me!?!? Then the resentment set in. You did this to us. I would beg over and over that I wanted to be close to you. I told you that one thing piggy backs off another… but you refused to hear me.. now we don’t talk and haven’t had sex in 6 months.. in our last fight you finally admitted that you used sex against me…. That you would hold back because you where angry or for whatever reason. So when I walk away which is going to happen, this is on you. Age, weight… no of it plays a part here… it’s you crappy attitude towards me… it’s the years of mental abuse….it’s years of being lonely…so Have fun without me…. so no it’s not always the man….so you people need to stop acting like it is all the dam time.
I hope you find someone who values you Andrew. We all crave love and attention it’s human nature. May your next partner learn how to appreciate everything you do for her. Take care and best of luck. <3
I’m so sorry that you are going through that. I think it’s not a man or woman issue, it’s a human issue. Your story and mine sound similar. I hope you find your happy ending.
So sad my Husband was having an affair with a college girl whom he didn’t know I knew about. Everything little mistake my husband would pick on me and leave the house for weeks.
I remember my ex husband would come home from work after a 12 hour shift and still be late getting home! He’d walk through the door and never notice what I got done, only what I hadn’t. (A baby, toddler and preteen, house to care for and a full time job, I had!) Found his wedding ring in the car. He’d been removing it at work and putting it back on after and he worked in an office! He was having an affair with a subordinate, 13 yrs younger than me and left us to marry her. 10 yrs together washed away bc I didn’t pay him the same attention as when we didn’t have the young ones!! So very, very selfish!
The men in my life have only wanted me for what I can provide to them rather than truly loving me. Sex, money, place to stay, comfort (bc I’m naturally just the type of person to genuinely try to help people). It hurts to know that no one has ever loved me for me and that a body image defines so much of a relationship. No wonder most women has mental health issues.
Wow I just spent a very long amount of time reading through all of these yesterday. I slept on it and have been thinking over the article and the comments everyone has wrote.
I feel compelled to share my own voice here. I feel this is this is a very one sided narrow viewpoint – the article and the subsequent women responding. Its focusing through the eyes of a specific psychology, that of the male in the relationship. The article is taking one piece of a relationship pie, if you will, and then dissecting it from a single sided perspective; the male who isn’t sexually forward or interested in their wife any longer.
Its important to have some “eagle eye” here and realize this is a small fragment of the reality of a marriage or partnership.
What is absolutely without question obvious here is that men are the ones straying from their relationships first, then when the consequences of that happen it becomes the burden of the woman. How are men straying first you ask? Porn, lust for other women, compulsive masturbation, secret sexual urges and fantasies that get played out in secret via social media, porn sites, and Im sure there is more.
Now turn this around for a moment. Your husband and you are married and suddenly like almost all people things cool down in the bedroom a bit, and instead of working toward keeping that flame alive by actively communicating and being honest and open with each-other, you the woman decide to secretly go out and seek what you are missing in the relationship; affirmation, attention, whatever it is. Lets say for the sake of equal analogy you decide to go online and start watching porn all the time behind your spouses back, you get some good toys and get yourself off as the main source of sexual gratification. It becomes a habit. You start enjoying the fantasy of being with beautiful, seemingly perfect men who adore you, and you enjoy it. It becomes a habit. You start reading soft porn books that depict men in a way that is not real at all. It becomes your ideal. There is quite literally a dopamine response to these experiences that become patterns, and it feels good, soon its your new norm. Your sense of reality, your paradigms even shift ever so slightly day by day… Your reality is getting distorted!
Then the reality (your actual human spouse) comes in the bedroom with their reality in your face. Some extra pounds, thinning hair line, someone who doesn’t take care of themselves the way you idealize someone who loves you should, this same spouse doesn’t compliment you or make you feel special anymore you start to feel like their mom. They take off their clothes and want to be intimate with you? Their sex doesnt meet the fantasy you watch or think about in your secret life = wham, not the reality you have made normal anymore in your mind about what sex and intimacy is.
Are you getting what I am saying? Can you understand the analogy?
Is it your husbands fault that you are no longer attracted to him, or is it also your damn fault for going outside the commitment you made to be faithful, and instead have gone out to find satisfaction with other people, real or imagined?
Second point; is it now your spouses responsibility to morph himself into this new version of what you want in your marriage?
Come on ladies.
We have lost sight here of what a relationship is. Its much, much, more than the sex and the primal sex desires we have as humans. Yes thats huge for sure Im not trying to undermine it but you cant have real lasting intimacy with a partner who gives his life force sex energy to porn, lust on social media or secretly pursuing jerking off to your friends they find attractive or whatever secret things they are doing behind your back. This is a twist on the conversation that really needs to be clarified.
There is no way our society is going to evolve well with the current state of affairs with regards to the social context pervading our psyches about sex and attraction. Its toxic. Kids at 10 can go online and watch countless hours of hardcore sex of any variety. People start younger and younger with this addiction. To only state that the reality of this discourse is about a woman letting herself go, or not talking openly about her feelings or yada yada is just so small minded to me and its hurting people on a very deep level. Porn and media has is setting a standard that is simply unattainable for most people.
One female here in the comments was 24, great shape worked hard to be sexy for her husband but he lost his attraction to her. Didn’t even like to look at her in a shower? Why? – really ladies? Why? – well when you are watching porn for hours a week and looking at a variety of women younger, shapelier and that beg you for sex all the time in provocative ways your beautiful loving spouse just isn’t that exciting or sexy anymore. They dont give you that dopamine hit you are used to.
DO some research on this, men who watch porn a lot find their spouses less attractive and over time loose the ability to perform in real life. It doesnt matter if your 24 and 110lbs or 50 and 170lbs. Its irrelevant.
I hope and I hope as deep as I can that somehow a new narrative starts to rise in this world around sex, porn, prostitution, affairs, etc. Men are not entitled to their sexual fantasies anymore than you and me, and what is setting that tone for what is real to be expected of one another? Whose setting that standard?
You can damn well count on anyone spending years in secret watching porn and not having any accountability on what healthy lust vs unhealthy lust will have a slew of unhappy relationships.
My heart breaks for every single woman on this thread. I hope we as women in society will truly start to have the kinds of boundaries necessary to inn-act a change so that our future generations can be free of the toxicity of sex in our culture today and the shame, grief and depression that follows its wake. Peace and Love my fellow travelers. Hold on to that light inside you.
Great input! I definitely a lot more can be said here. I appreciate your input — and yes! you are absolutely right, it’s not about the looks of a person that makes or breaks a marriage. In fact, we know very clearly that emotional connection (attunement) is much more important than looks and since bodies change and people shift — the connection is at the heart of the matter more important than anything else. Thanks again for commenting and adding to the conversation.
Thank you, you will never know how badly that was needed. God bless you.
This comment is too long, I lost interest. However, I was agitated when it started that toys and porn solo will become a habit. That’s not true. As well as, that you will idealize the pornstars, over your spouse. Also, not true. I engage in personal sexual health to maintain ability. I am 100% crazy attracted to my husband. I love when we have sex and would never tell him no. This has been consistently true for the 4 years we have been together. We are both 50 yrs in age now, have gained Covid lockdown weight and have problems like every other couple. I do feel as though, he has lost attraction for me. That is why I maintain my own sexualness by myself. It bothers me but it don’t.
Honey is that you? Gwen, I understand where you are coming from but think you are viewing the problem from a perspective of someone who refuses to bend/yield to any suggestion that you aren’t the embodiment of the perfect woman. Personally, I feel that any relationship that has two people “interested in” pleasing the other party will be successful. Note I used the phrase “interested in” rather than a suggestion that a woman “must” please her partner.
Porn is not a culture, it is an escape, a fantasy, sexual entertainment. No husband realistically expects his spouse to be a perpetual 18 year old, size zero nymphomaniac capable of being contorted into pretzel shapes, subsisting on high protein diet provided by his manhood and being willing to endure every advance of his choosing. But every man would love a partner that would put in some level of effort to be a fantasy, to live out a fantasy. I suspect most women would appreciate a similar level of effort by their husband.
The crux of this specific marital problem, in my opinion, is simply that reality can be crushing. Kids, work, exhaustion, money…..it is all an everyday reality that strains excitement in the bedroom. It’s difficult to get excited about the same sex with the same person…..dutifully again….with the person who just scolded you for not doing the dishes as she stuffs her face with popcorn in sweatpants. Similarly, it’s difficult to get excited about sex with a woman who sees any intrusion of fantasy or excitement found in porn into real life as an affront to her desirability or as you suggest, a demand that you transform into an unobtainable standard.
Men are simple creatures, indulge me a little bit, once in a while….and I’m happy. Starve me, I will hunt elsewhere. It’s that simple. And to a large extent, women will succumb to the same mistreatment with their own infidelities.
My wife won’t budge an inch. I have asked for little things a thousand times only to be rejected, made to feel like a deviant pervert, even humiliated. A naughty outfit is me asking her to be a whore. Asking her to call me daddy is somehow pedophilia. Playful spanking is corporal punishment. Different positions are degrading. Non traditional acts are perverted and revolting. Role play is me telling her that I wish she was someone else. Any suggestion that she should do anything other than what she wants, than what she is completely comfortable with…..is just a statement that she is not good enough the way she is. That is how I see your attitude also.
I have cheated on my wife. I am not proud of it and do struggle with it from a morality standpoint, believe it or not. I am not looking for support or vindication for my actions. It makes me a dirt bag, I know. But it didn’t happen in a vacuum either. The women I was with, weren’t necessarily as attractive as my wife, but their attitude was incredible to the point I seriously considered leaving my wife. I know you are probably thinking she would be better off without me. Maybe….. but that is beside the point, this analysis is about the root of the problem, not me.
Who knew women were out there who would actually try to please a man because he asked nicely. Women who had their own fantasies that they shared so I could try to please her the way she wanted. Even though it was mostly meat and potatoes most of the time, the little things, once in a while made it exciting every time. Because she cared enough to “try” and was not so rigid that she would rather give up. That is a relationship not bound by the restraints of marriage, judgement, resentments, duties and chores. Where two people can just focus on each other, pause being a husband, pause being a wife. Maybe that is the real fantasy and I think that’s what holds people back from enjoying each other. My wife would view a request to pause being my wife as an insult. I suspect Gwen would see it the same way if her husband asked her to be anything else, even if it was just intended as playful fun. Never mind that I am asking for things that will ultimately be carried out by what is …..most definitely…. still my wife.
The victorian era sexual attitudes that you yearn for are simply repression. Women can have fantasies too and should not be ashamed of them, of asking for them. Similarly, being flexible and “trying” to satisfy a man’s desires, even if rooted in porn, doesn’t make a woman a prostitute. It just makes her a thoughtful partner concerned about her partner’s needs and wants. The same goes for men, you should be asking what she wants, without judgement, and giving her everything you can. It is when one spouse is too selfish to bend that things break down. The question is: can you put your judgement aside, keep an open mind and be selfless enough to focus on your partner to truly find out what they desire and “try” to make it happen? For many, the answer is no….and here we are. Judgement is a difficult thing to shake as Gwen demonstrates.
I wish I could hug you. I’m 34 and take/always have taken exceptional care of myself, with a much older husband who I know for a fact has a past and possibly present but well hidden porn/social media obsession. The amount of hurt it has caused me and the effect on our relationship has been so tremendous and articles like this only empower a man like my husband to believe, even if only in secret, that I and other women only exist to offer whatever it is he thinks satiates his appetite (hint, nothing can because he’s ruined his own view of what sex is supposed to be). That if something is wrong it must be the woman and she must change. I have found out the hard way that nothing a woman does or doesn’t do matters if she is dealing with a man who can’t be held accountable for his warped view of women and therefore continues to stay stuck in his own toxic ways. Thank you for writing this.
Your comment has to be the most well thought out, communicated, and even logical statement that I have ever read. I don’t know who you are but thank you for restoring my hope for the future of humanity and woman kind. I had all but given up seeking the elusive sisterhood amongst women that I thought awaited me in my adult life. I thought I would have that county of women supporting each other. Today I read your comment. I see possibilities again 😌
My story is kind of opposite to most other women.
I got rejected when I was younger. I was always slim because my body is firmer then other women’s body’s. Therefore I always looked very slim and had small boobs. Now I got older and gained more weight and my boobs grew suddenly big due to getting close to menopause./my boobs are not a sign of me being more fertile. The opposite. But as my body tends to be firm like mentioned before, I look still younger. Like other women in their twenties.
And now get the attene of men.
I suffered from rejection during a long term relationship when I was younger. As I gained weight over the years he was more attracted to me. But by that time I hated him due to all his rejection and him preferring really horrible women due to their bigger boobs or rounder (fluffier) bodys.
He himself kind of admitted that I looked better then them due to my body still being firmer. I simply aged better then them.
All bla bla to me. He showed me that for a men the quality of a women (personality, health) doesn’t matter.
I asked him once when I found out that he masturbated looking at photos of a women we new. I asked him if it doesn’t turn him off that she was a mean and sick person, an absolutely psychological wrack that needed heavy medication to function and tried to do horrible things to him. I asked him if something like this doesn’t puts a men off from feeling attracted to a women. He didn’t understand what I mean. He called me crazy, because I couldn’t understand how he sexually disred her over me his girlfriend who (me) was kind to him….
There were other horrible stories especially with this guy sexually preferring other women over me just because of their physical appearance. I was just not his type. He was neither mine. But women love and disre men differently.
I wouldn’t mind if he was looking at porn stars or women he didn’t know. To me it would have been an illusion he would have attracted. But he looked at women who also displayed horrible personality traits or qualities.
Those women were so low in their qualities, I couldn’t feel jelouse. I actually realised how low his standards were after I broke up.
Within the relationship I was in some sort of denial. I couldn’t belief that men are so fixated on women’s body’s and although I was healthy and pretty most men ignored me because I was not a bombshell.
Now I realise that I get more attention from men now that I look different. It is so sad, because I am still the same person and it shows me that men don’t see me as a person.
And I now that my intelligence is a natural repellent to men anyway and that as soon as a man would get to know me he would turn away because my intelligence would bother and distract him from my big boobs and that this is just not sexy to most men, because men are not attracted to a women’s personality …
My conclusion: As a women you can change the way your body looks but you can’t change who you are.
Therefore, why bother if a men rejects you just because you are a human and therefore don’t look the same you used to. Those men never loved you.
In this case you have to let go and try to find happiness somewhere else.
I conquer! I had the same situation~ GOD Bless you honey.
Traci Johnston 😉
It’s interesting reading over these comments. For me, it’s about the woman I married gaining too much weight. She’s always been pretty, but over the years she’s neglected herself and really ignored her weight gain. I’m talking in the area of 50% plus weight gain over where she was when we met and married. I’d estimate 60 to 70 lbs. I don’t ask because I don’t want her to feel uneasy, but I’m usually good with weight estimates.
I actually sat down with her a little over a year ago and told her I was struggling with my attraction for her. She kicked it into gear and dropped about 30 lbs over the next four months. But that didn’t last long and she’s right back where she was. Perhaps more.
She has little to zero interest in subjects like health, nutrition, longevity, working out, etc. She has pretty much NO activity to speak of. Most of her time is spent sitting and looking at her smartphone.
I on the other hand have always been weight-aware, work out regularly, and I’m very health-minded. I do it for myself, but I also do it for her, because I assume she’d like to be married to someone who closely resembles who she met and fell in love with. I would feel extreme guilt if I pasted on 40 or 50 lbs and expected her to just roll with it. Love is great, but love doesn’t allow for us to subconsciously negate the laws of attraction.
I’ve known dozens of women who are very pretty and some even beautiful who simply don’t manage their weight or what they put in their mouth. Of course the beauty diminishes when you’re looking at someone who’s carrying around far more weight than they should.
One pattern I’ve noticed with both men and women is during the period when they’re dating or are looking for a mate, they are often far more cognizant of their weight / appearance, but shortly after marriage they often eliminate the weight concerns from their list. This is just a mystery to me. One assumes that the average individual would have to know that the reason your spouse was interested in you, and actually married you was because they found you attractive. So what the hell goes through these people’s heads when they passively decide that they can put on 40, 50, or 80 lbs without it affecting the relationship?
It’s depressing and now I find my sexual interest almost non-existent, and I’m an individual who has had a high libido since my teen years. I often use the sports approach to tell myself to “get my mind right” and force myself to pick up my libido, but that’s tough to maintain when you’re forcing it verses having a natural sexual desire.
She’s tried to eat better, be more weight aware, but the reality is there really has been no change. It’s easy to see the difference between someone who is taking weight off and someone who isn’t. She’s a slave to the wrong foods and to inactivity and that’s killing our physical relationship.
NY Times came out with an article citing research that shows most married couples gain 15-30+ lbs once they are married. It’s quite normal for married couples to gain weight…does that mean couples, individuals who want different shouldn’t talk about it, or resign to asking for what helps them feel attracted — absolutely not. The topic of weight is a very sensitive one, so I cite research here just to say, gaining weight and changing bodies are quite normal. I wonder if it’s just her weight, or is it that you wish she understood you more on your values around health and your desire to be united in that way? when I talk with men about their upset that their wife has gained weight, I always find it’s not the weight but more so a desire to create shared values, to be heard, and to work towards something as a team (like working out, eating healthier, caring about being sexy for your partner). Here is that NY Times article (and one from NY Post):
NY Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/13/fashion/weddings/13FIELD.html
NY Post: https://nypost.com/2018/09/21/being-in-a-relationship-is-making-us-fatter/
Wow following on each comment ..
The guy im with chased me as I repeatedly declined but we were friends. After awhile I gave in as I never had someone try so hard and be sweet to me.
Its been 6 years with mostly helping days than pleasant, as he and I have gone out a few times but any female around he forgets im alive.
He watches porn constant and I’ve accused the craziest accusations but after treating me like im insane and running off slamming doors and busting things of mine he was caught doing these insane things. I want to leave so the load on my shoulders isn’t keeping me under water. I’m so discouraged and can’t believe the treatment I get when hes done everything to ruin my life after I declined so many times. Hes not caring as I lost my mom and bringing him to the family gathering for a small funeral he hid and watched porn. My feelings were and are still hurt. Its something I can’t not throw in his face every argument.
I know this is over and there’s so much more hes done but ill need to write a book. Why would someone do this to someone?
my husband is very overweight and its never bothered me because i love him for who he is.
weve been married 18 years.
we had twins 2 years ago and im struggling to lose the last 25 or so pounds. im trying its just not coming off.
so my husband tells me hes not attracted to me anymore. hes easily 100 to 150 lbs over weight but im supposed to starve myself to be thinner for him.
it hurts a lot. 25 pounds is the difference between him wanting me and not wanting me after i birthed our children.
That’s so sad and so typical. So many men are so shallow. It’s always about looks only. Whatever happened to love is blind. Men say they love your but then you find out that they just love the way you look and how you are a good sex object for you. It’s so sick
Just wanted to let you know that I had to almost starve for my ex husband to stick around. He said he was no longer attracted to me for my weight gain and couldn’t stay with someone he wasn’t attracted to. I lost the weight; starving and kept it off for years. I could only maintain it by eating one meal a day. (Honestly, weight is in my genes so I was never able to eat like a normal person and maintain.) I had a physical labour type of job where I lifted and threw over 1000 cases of alcohol per day, while chasing a toddler and caring for our new baby son and my preteen daughter AND the house back at home.
(So I didn’t lack for physical ‘exercise.)
Now that he’s been gone for years, I’ve put weight on. I’m 50 now and everything has slowed down including me. We lose muscle mass as we age also. I’ve had some health issues but I couldn’t figure out why I weigh what I do now. Luckily, I did find out and it isn’t my f’in fault! It’s the meds I’ve been on for years that I can’t just go off from!
It sucks horribly. Just wondering, maybe your wife has some physical issues going on that you or even her know nothing about? You never know…
I am sorry to hear that you had that experience. Some of us are bigger, skinnier, taller…shorter or heavier. Ideally, we find ourselves in a marriage where our partner can and does see much more. I have family members, an aunt, who put on a lot of weight due to her thyroid (and not something she can help plus certain meds don’t help). That being said, her husband has stuck around, loved her, and been faithful/loyal and deeply caring towards her. I am sorry you didn’t have that experience and I appreciate your comment to Scott. It’s a good thing for husbands and wives to consider, their bodies will change and sometimes a doctor can do wonders to help us understand what is happening.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5yrs now. Should have seen the red flags from the beginning but I over looked them writing them off as differences that can be worked out. First red flag met him online & he was visiting his “ex” kids -kids that aren’t his, they weren’t married & weren’t together long enough to be a father figure to; they may not have even truly been an ex at the time. I told him no thank you because I didn’t want to be involved with someone who still spends time on their ex and confuses her children with visits when the relationship with the mother is over. It was like he was holding on to the relationship & seeking better. I kept saying no and then he asked what my problem was so I was honest. Finally we went on a date. 2nd reed flag he barely talked to me on the date and came to it drunk- just wanted sex. Then he totally changed and was sweet and would visit me at work, bring me food want to have lunch with me, want to go on walks with me, just be around me. After a few dates he told me he loved me I asked why and told him I needed to know him more to say it back. Finally I did, because I did- still do. He asked me to move in, the only furniture he had was a bed because he was barely ever home always out gambling and partying. Found lipstick on a cup in his sink, he swore it was one of his friends girlfriends because he had friends over for drinks. Didn’t want me to know his friends, keeps those lives separate. I seen texts from a stripper he gave his number too and when I confronted him about it all he could say was nothing happened yet he’d always leave me at home and go out with friends until 4am and I’d go out and find him at the casino most times. He’d tell me he’d only be out with his friends for an hour, be home in an hour or 2 and I wouldn’t be able to get ahold of him or he’d block my calls or yell at me for calling and he’d be gone until 4am, even started saying he was just going to get a lottery ticket then he’d hope in his buddies car and they’d be out all night & I’m sitting at home thinking he got mugged walking to get lottery or something terrible happened. Then he signed himself out of the casino on my birthday one year, things got a lot better, we talked about a baby, he helped me get the courage to leave a very toxic work place that I’d been working in for over 13yrs. Last year I got pregnant and I had just started a new job not aware at the time I was pregnant. I worked through the thick of the pandemic, worked overtime, came in early, worked scheduled days off all shifts were night shifts so I was coming home after midnight each night & he’d either be out or have friends over while I was at work. I started to feel sick was stressed about it thinking it was covid then finding out I was pregnant. When I told my new job they sent me home for 3 weeks with no pay because they don’t know what to do with me. I was beyond stressed & my boyfriend wouldn’t give me the comfort I needed, he just gave me more stress. Then one night I came home his friend was over I was 8 months pregnant then, him and his friend had been drinking heavily I was upset he was there because of the pandemic and having him in our home while im with child and because it was after midnight I just got home from work and wanted to relax and go to bed. But still I stayed up played cards with them & my boyfriend started getting mean calling me names because I didn’t understand the card game I’ve never played, because I offered to drive his friend home to save him cab fair and because my boyfriend wasn’t in a condition to drive. His friend even told him to take it easy on me but he still went off how I’m worthless, lazy don’t do anything for him, chubby and so on. I still gave his friend a ride home and he refused to come for the ride because I wouldn’t let him drive my car drunk. When I got home he’s fast asleep but then I get a Facebook message from some girl screenshots of how he was just flirting with her and her telling me she knows him through his ex and he’s no good and I’m 8mnths with his baby asking her for more info but she blocks me. The next day I ask him what it’s about he knows immediately what girl I’m talking about yet he never sent her those messages she screenshot & she’s lying. Then he stopped having friends over closer to my due date , he started being sweet and caring again. Baby was a week late, I had to be induced, this was my first child I was scared shitless. Boyfriend was being amazing until, I’m finally getting strong contractions, laying half paralyzed from the epidural and when I refuse to lay fully down in fear of vomiting and choking on it because I can’t move he gets mad goes off yelling at me as soon as the nurse left the room, then threats to leave me there alone because I won’t lay down fully. He leaves the room , I cry start calling for him or the nurse or anyone because I was scared & in pain & didn’t know what to do. He comes back into the room & tells me I need to smarten up or he’ll leave for good next time. Since having our baby he’s been home, or working, he’s been a great
dad, but since having the baby he won’t have sex with me. Says I’m “chub chub” that I just need to work out, I’m loosing the weight but slowly and I work out 4-5 times a week and eat healthy. I am in my 30s and just had a child and my child comes first in needs over my own but I still believe that my boyfriend and mines relationship shouldn’t suffer and he can’t give me a good reason why. Every category on that list above he has a check mark in. When he’s home from work his focus is his phone, playing gambling games on it or talking with his buddies, spends a lot of time in the bathroom with his phone. Plays with the baby but when baby starts to fuss then he wants me to take over so he can focus on betting on his phone. He doesn’t notice, acknowledge or appreciate anything that I do for him the baby the house, tells me not to work and stay home with baby but then calls me lazy and acts as if I’ve never in my life had a job. I am very lonely, and I’m afraid he’s cheating on me since I’ve seen receipts for live webcam porn before, and he stalks girls on Instagram, TikTok and onlyfans. And he just ups and leaves saying ha going to get lottery when ever he wants. He rejects my sexual advances all of the time, we fight all of the time when I tell him how I feel he says all I do is complain & nag and how can he want to have sex when with me when I don’t leave him alone. It seems he wants to live a life seperate of me but I’m there in the background caring for baby, cleaning the house, and should be cooking meals. I get 2hrs of sleep each night if baby isn’t keeps me up stress and anxiety and depression is. I feel like I’m doing all I can, trying, trying to get a bond back between us, grasping at our relationship and he just keeps getting mad at my efforts and then rejecting it and telling me be better, be different and he goes and watches a girl shake her ass on TikTok wearing nothing but a bikini that leaves little to the imagination especially when she’s dancing. And then he tells me I’m insecure when I ask him not to watch them, when I tell him I don’t purposely search for half naked guys on the internet and then eh acts like I can’t get anyone but him & he only tolerates me because we have a kid together now and he can look at whoever he wants and will and he’s not doing anything, they’re “not real ppl” but they are real ppl, very real and be local. And he was even flirting with a scentsy rep on social media and when I try to add her to order shot he ignores my requests but will comment on photos of my baby on Facebook as if she knows my baby or boyfriend personally and I’m sorry but I won’t have some girl try to be my babies new mom. That’s not happening. I deserve to know what’s truly going on and how he truly feels about me and where our relationship stands and I fucking deserve sex with my boyfriend who claims to love me & to be treated respectfully not gaslighted! And constantly second guessing my worth and value on this planet and I deserve to not feel so utterly alone that I’d rather just disappear off the face of the earth. I know that my life could be worse, that other have it much worse than I do & I very much appreciate all I have, especially my baby because he is worth all the pain and words can not describe how much I love my baby but I don’t just want my life to be an empty vessel mindless fulfilling babies needs I have needs that need to be fulfilled too and wants and if I didn’t want my boyfriend then I wouldn’t be with him. It’s the fact that I can’t figure out any more if he wants me & he only responded with anger to me over everything that makes me feel as if he doesn’t but he tells me he does. Where are the actions though? He thinks because he goes to work and busy me food that I should be 100% satisfied and know from that that he loves me. I just want to know if it’s actually over so I can stop holding on to hope & just move on start a new life.
Oh honey, I am sorry to tell you this, but he does not love you and he never has. He doesn’t even like you and he has zero respect for you. He just keeps you around for convenience and because he likes to have someone around to mistreat. He is using and abusing you!
You sound like a wonderful person. Kind, caring, loving, smart, gentle and a great mother. You deserve to be in a loving relationship where you are treated with love, kindness and respect.
Your child also deserves a happy mother that is treated well, a good example and to be treated well by their father.
Your boyfriend is not going to change for the better. He will keep using and abusing you and your child as well when they are older. Your child will be as unhappy as you are and will learn that they are worthless and unloved and not worthy of being treated with kindness and respect.
Get out as soon as you can! You and your child are both better of alone than with this bad example of a human being. Your boyfriend can’t be saved or changed. Your situation will only get worse and worse if you stay. You don’t need him in your life and he does not deserve your love.
You deserve the best <3 and he is the worst!
I’m so sorry you are going through that. He is a toxic person and you and your baby deserve better. I know you probably feel that you love him but by staying with him you aren’t loving yourself. I also want to point out that your relationship is NOT a good example for your child. Good luck in your future and I hope things work out for the best.
Funny I put something up here for help and it was taken down thanks for the help and support.
I never took anything of yours down, but it has been a while since I went through and read all the comments and then accepted genuine comments like yours (and denied the countless spam ones that people hope will get accepted with spam links). I am sorry it’s taken me so long to go through that process…this site has grown tremendously, it used to be a tiny website with just a few hundred visits a month and now it’s grown (a very good thing) but that sometimes means a comment may not show up for some time. If your comment isn’t seen, maybe you can re-post it. I am going and reading/accepting and doing the essential work of maintaining a useful comment thread and blog. Feel free to email me if I somehow missed something. Thanks for your patience.
So I’ve been with my fiance for going on 11 years now and he is a wonderful father and loves me. I know that deep down. So when we first met he told me right from the get go he likes to wear maid costumes or dress in high heels and lady’s clothing and being punished to do chores and likes to be whipped. He said i can berry it and forget about it. I told him he shouldn’t have to because that is who he is. And at first I thought it was sorta kinky and really had no problem with it. But now that we have our 4 year old daughter ever since she was born I’ve tried to loose the weight but can’t and I also figured he was going through a faze with the dressing up. Because honestly I’m board with it and have no interest in it anymore and I’ve told him. But the only way to even get him aroused is looking at men dressed up like that. And I am seriously alway the one to start something if I want sex. And before our daughter was born I could do it a couple time a day but my sex drive also went down a little. But its like he doesn’t even try anymore. So last year I caught him online talking with girls trying to fulfill his kinky bedroom stuff because I don’t have any interest in it anymore, and he didn’t see why that was a problem at first. He swore he never actually met with anyone and he would never go as far to actually having sex with them. I flipped out at him and told him he should have came to me about this and asked me about it first. And then this obsession with dressing up got worst he was buying all these outfits and bras and panties and high heels. And the the butt vibrator thing. And I cone across this receipt for over $400 in this stuff he bought. He come and hands me a remote and says go crazy. I was so furious at this point. And just wanted to smash the remote. So we talked and I thought I could contain this. He likes to go out at night for a random trip to get gas and fills it up dressed up. Which makes me feels completely ashamed he is doing it. But it still hasn’t fazed out. And I am always sitting around trying to figure out why he can’t just look at me and feel sexually attracted to me. I’ve tried wearing sexy things going out of my comfort zone and still nothing. I just want him to grab me and be like we’re having sex and he never has and by the looks of it never will. Also did I mention he has no experience in sex at all. I’ve tried teaching him things and what I like but never does it. My love for this man goes deeper then sex obviously but I’m at the stage in my life where I just want a man to be a man and take me. So I’m at a completely lost here.
You’ve tried everything, losing weight, doing what he wants.
So it’s time woman’s fault if the man is cold fish? I resent how you imply that the woman is to blame & that she needs to twist herself into a pretzel or become a bag of bones to be worthy of love & affection. Shame on you. You are nothing but a mysongonist. Disgusting.
Well, l feel like such a fool, its beyond comprehension how l could of been so nieve .
I was around 48 yrs old ( married since age of 21 to my spouse at the time) when , we went into a sexless marriage. No over night thing , no arguments, no fights, my husband just stopped having sex with me.
I know that my husband had been started on “Statins” around 4 months , then one day he had difficulty obtaining an erection.
I attributed this to the statin medication.
I left it at that. Because l did not want him to feel bad, or less manly l ended up accepting a sexless marriage for about 9 yrs. I figured l married was for better or worse, and in sickness and health . l treated our sexless marriage as a result of an illness.
We retired, moved to the Caribbean in 2011, Dominican Rep.
Our sexless marriage continued until 7- 2015. When l found out my husband had been in a long term affair with a 20 yr old native. Having even fathered a newly born kid.
To say the least, l was devastated,
destroyed.
l later learned that men with erection problems, still get sexual desires , just can nor obtain an erection. Dumb me.
Here, these young females, are everywhere soliciting older men, for favors, money , to be kept , very common and acceptable here. My husband is originally from here.
This does not excuse his behavior he could of rejected the advances. He knew right from wrong.
He had met this girl in a local 2nd bit local shabby bar. He had loaned her some money ( a lot by standards here). When he asked for repayment , woman said l dont have money to repay you, but l cam repay you in another way.
He agreed, had never been ever with another female nor unfaithful during all our marriage until now.
He , went to buy his ED pills and bang, he ate from the forbidden fruit, loved it and was hooked.
The affair lasted 5 yrs, until l found out by accident of course.
Here is my dilema. Its been 5 yrs now. He insisted from the very beginning he never loved this girl. That his connection was due to sex, ego and to enjoy himself.
However, l have so much insecurities. I wonder, not only about his affair which is tragic enough, but why did he never in the first 9 years and later 6byrs with his skank , did he never ever once have sexual intimacy with me. HOWEVER, when , other woman approached him for sex , he immediately jumped went running to by the ED pills to solve his problem. Then continued with his mistress for almost 6 yrs.
Now in 2021, he insists, he wants to continue our marriage ( another 6 yrs in abstinence) and resume a normal marriage.
I am so hurt at being, chastised by him unnecessarily, because its evident that all along that had had no desire to have intimacy with me.
I hurts that he found me undesirable.
In essence l was only maid, his nurse after open heart surgery , etc
I do not want him to force himself, into having intimacy with me. I feel worse at the thought of him faking or forcing himself to have sex with me . I do not trust what he now says that he does feel a desire to be intimate- yeh right now after a total of 18 years. Am l to believe out of the blue he now desires me.
I feel he is only saying this in order for me and him to resume being together permanently, because he doesn’t want to be alone. Or he feels lonely . I told him l refuse to go back to a fake marriage. I told him l do not need a roommate.
We have been apart since 2015, 2 attempts at reconciliation have failed.
We do see each other frequently.
Sometimes he even spends a couple days at my house .
I do not want to be disrespected. I do not want to be made a fool of ever again.
I did not catch him , not because l am stupid. I did not catch him because l trusted him 100%. I never wasted my time with jealousy , l gave him free time ever since we got married to be with his friends, to have his space. I have forgiven him but honestly I will never trust him like l did before.
I honestly don’t, know what to do.
Leave him period
feeling sad for you.Move on and start a new life if possible.
He just want someone to take care of him .
Even if he was suffering from ED or other medical issues he would have taken steps to satisfy you in other ways.
He would have taken ED drugs when you were young.
I dont trust him .He loved you but never had sex with you he never loved that girl but bought ED medication and had sex with her and baby also. Wow he think you are fool and had been fooling you since years.
It’s interesting I read this and as a man main points are not really addressed. Most men give up trying to have see because they are tired of being rejected due to issues of pms, mood swing headaches or a coldfish. As we get older we stop trying and begin to focus on other things. Sometimes women forget that guys need to be in a mood and to just say let’s have sex or he doesn’t look at my naked body is not valid. We need intimacy and moods to be set as well. Women believe that men react to let’s have sex as we instantly get aroused this is a joke. Sometimes it the opposite women have forgotten how we are and the constant nagging of life and kids and work make it impossible to be intimate. It’s interesting that wife’s can tell husbands what’s wrong, or go shave or you put on weight but when the coin is flipped we get rebuked for being selfish and mean and you wonder what’s wrong. .. guys want to be touched, hugged, loved feel they are still important just as much as any other person
I have worked with many couples where a man says: “It’s not that I am not attracted to my wife, it’s just a part of me started to give up because she didn’t reciprocate.” In the same breath, I also know many women have said this in sessions too. Intimacy is an incredibly complex subject and I appreciate you adding to the dialogue. And I fully agree, men and women alike want to be touched/kissed/hugged and in fact, research clearly shows that men need more hugs daily and touch because socially it’s less built into men’s lives (one researcher I interviewed said men need more like 12 hugs daily to get the oxytocin needs they need while women need more around 8 hugs a day to get the same benefit of what touch/hug gives on a purely physiological level)
I’m sorry but that’s BS. I’m the one who gave up because i got tired of the rejection from him. I’ve heard about so many other women who have experienced this.
I have the same problem. I am always initiating. I’m always the one longing for hugs and kisses. I feel unwanted. I keep asking him whats wrong, i said he can talk to me. He said nothing is wrong. I know he’s not cheating or there’s other girl because he’s always at home when he’s not at work. He just seems so distant. I just talked to him tonight how i feel, lets see if he’s going to change.
Sweetheart, I was in a similar situation with my ex husband. He had been having an affair with a co-worker while I was expecting our second child. I tried to make it work for 2 years after catching him with this woman who knew he was married and expecting. It never was the same. I couldn’t stand his touch thinking he had touched someone else this way or sex, there wasn’t much to begin with but the fact I couldn’t help but think of them and what they did and what he felt for her ever. We are great friends now and I am remarried and he is engaged. Our children are happy and thriving. You have given your husband the best of yourself, shown patience and love, yet this is your repayment. I think you owe it to yourself to follow your own heart and happiness. Best to you. Feel free to reach out if you need an unbiased ear and a friend!
Had he married any of these “desirable” women, they would be in the same position as you. He enjoys the mystery. The lust & chase. He isn’t owning up to his responsibilities as a husband (or even a human being). Maybe get a divorce & settlement if you can. Have some fun, and fall in love again with someone who is mature enough. 50 is the new 30 😉
I agree, OBlanche! A person like that will become bored no matter who they are with.
They could be with women who are almost perfect and still want something else.
I cannot tell you how similar your situation is to mine. (Way too in depth to go into detail here.) I’m a 56 year old woman, married for over 38 years. If you care to discuss our situations, feel free to email me at 1bonchesva2@gmail.com. I hope you’re doing better.
I’m so very sorry for you and your heart. I could only imagine and put together what I’ve been through and what you’ve been through together to try and understand better.
You are a darling women.
I don’t think you should have to suffer in this marriage. You could have lots of intimacy and love and fun.
Don’t choose the marriage over your life.
I can not tell you how upsetting your post is. I feel so badly for you I wish I could do something for you ♥️ This is not your fault. Please try not to put blame on yourself and try to focus on your own thoughts and feelings right now to help you decide what to do. Don’t let other people make you feel you should do one thing or another. Only you know what you want. It’s so scary to take the steps to stop a relationship and it takes time sometimes to know if it’s right for you or not. One day you will wake up and know exactly what to do. Is he still seeing her or speaking to her in a romantic way? I really think you should go to your own therapist if possible. You can do zoom appointments online and books are a great spot to start too. I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you! I will be thinking about you. Xxoo ♥️ A stranger-friend who has felt a similar pain ♥️♥️
My boyfriend and I been together for over 7 years. I moved in with him 2016. I’m the biggest girl he has ever been with. His past girlfriends are skinny. His mom tried breaking us up multiple times but everytime he still stayed with me cause “he loves me”. Things took a shift on our 4th year together. He said “I love Twitter thots they are like porn but real” he said that on our anniversary. I blew up on him and he apologized. He said “I don’t know you would get upset” ever since that I didn’t want him following onlyfans girls or watching Twitter girls videos or looking at their photos. He said he hasn’t and one time he unfollowed them all and showed me proof… one day he got back from his trip to help his grandma move. And after we had the nasty, he goes to the bathroom leaving his phone on the bed with me. It gets a notification, guess what… he made a secret Twitter account following all those girls… he lied to me. I blew up on him and he made it look like my fault… that I shouldn’t have touched his phone and we just had the nasty so why am I ruining our night together. I’m ruining it?!? Well we got past that… it wasn’t until later like I would say… a year or so after that… we would get into many fights about it… when we fought he would say the most hurtful things that can be said to a person you love, then he told me “I’m not attracted to you, you’re not my type. I wish I could put your brain into a skinnier woman” that hurt me so much. Later I talked to him about it.. he said he went around it the wrong way.. he wants me healthy so we can grow old together. But that’s not what he said. I know I’m not his type… but I’m inlove with him. He spends a lot of the time gaming and talking with his online friends (guys). We don’t get much time together. We have the nasty still… but… I can’t climax. I don’t tell him that. I feel so ugly… I feel so fat. I am trying to lose weight but it’s not enough… I don’t know what to do…
Sorry to say this but your bf sounds like an emotionally abusive & manipulative jerk. In a nutshell if you’re not his “type” or he finds you “unattractive” then why did he choose to date you? Ask him that. Think about that. It’s okay to meet someone different from your “type” and fall for them. But there’s still a level of attraction. There is still something about you they like and wouldn’t want you to change. I had an ex who did the same thing. Made me lose weight and feel inadequate. Made me feel like men don’t like heavier girls. I left him. I’m a heavier girl, married AND get hit on all the time. There’s lots of men who prefer bigger girls. Tell him when he gets old and bald (which most men do and can’t help) tell him you’re leaving for someone not bald. See how he feels.
Tell him if those are the girls he wants and he can’t accept what you look like, there’s the door.
Bestie please contact me Im going through the same shit. Been trying to find someone whos also dealing with this. My insta is pixel.grl
I know how hard this is
He’s the sweetest man. He looks at me as the sweetest girl. But he says he’s never felt the attractive pull towards me. I pursued him in the beginning. Was and still am so smitten with this beautiful man. He treats me mostly wonderful. Wants to share himself and his life with me. Goes out of his way to spend time with me. He is learning my love languages and cuddles me close and kisses my forhead. We play video games and music and escape the world together, eating yummy things I cook for us and tickling and giggling. He fits so perfectly with my life. I fit so perfectly with his. Yet. He doesn’t blink an eye when I dress sexy. We can go for a month without his craving to have any sexual connection. When we shared our first kiss and he got my shirt off..he fell asleep. He has fallen asleep during forplay and during sex. He is slow to gain an erection and it doesnt last long. He practices semen retention so he doesnt ejaculate. I dont know the last time he focused on making me climax. He has shared 2 ejaculations with me in almost a year of intimacy. He doesn’t get hard when we kiss and stops me after a little while when I give him oral. We sought one session of tribal counseling and he admitted he had always had a high libido and doesnt know why is isnt with me. That he’s waiting for it to come and it confuses him because I’m perfect. I am shriveling and just need to get f$*&ed. I snooped on his phone and found that he looks up hot girls on social media, sometimes friends of his or mutual friends of ours. I masturbate incessantly..but find it hard to fantasize about him and his lack of desire for me. I am losing my attraction to myself. I feel hopeless. He says he is happy. Wants to do life with me. But I feel like he’s settling and it’ll only get worse. How can we make a kiddo if he doesnt ejaculate? I want so share my life with my beautiful, fun best friend but I dont want us to be stuck in a marriage where we are both craving outside of the marriage for this need to be met. I need him to want me. To crave me. To be magnetized to me like I am to him. Gosh I love him. What do we do?
Sexual connection is complicated and usually has many layers. I’d highly recommend speaking with a professional (more or someone else). I have worked with many couples in similar situations, and each time I find there are layers and they don’t just open, but take several sessions to unravel and work through.
I am in a similar situation. My guy went off partying like crazy lying cheating getting in trouble. During that time I tried to get rid of him but he would insist that he is in love with me. Then finally he hung out with the wrong crowd and went to jail. The truth was all sorted out . now he’s a new man . the best . I love this guy. So before when he was a lying cheating asshole he kept me hanging with “breadcrumb” love . now that he’s great and ki d and honest to me he swears I am the only one but never ever initiates sex. Many people tell me I am attractive. I think it’s like weve become family but not as a couple. As a brother – sister family bond. It sucks. I am so sexually frustrated that iam in pain. I get so angry laying next to him either naked or in a getting or sexy lingerie and its obvious that no matter what I do , ithas absolutely no affect. There is nothing I can do to piss him off. There is nothing I can do to make him horny. Well there is one thing (if I could become a totally. different woman, then he would prolly get horny if I laid there , even in ugly pajamas! Lol. I am so annoyed . I almost want to slap him when he pecks. Me on my lips or and tells me. “I love you”. It’s like he’s doing thebare minimum thinking that I’ll be satisfied and wont notice that we never have sex.
Ugh.
Sarah
How old are you 2? From the sound of it (video games/ friends & social media), you sound very young (18-25). Maybe he is gay (or indecisive). Late bloomer. Men often lie about their libido to their female partner because it’s not very comfortable admitting you’re malfunctioning down below. But in any case, I’d check his sexual orientation, meds and history before you check yourself at the door.
Our sex life has been almost non existence for the past year and a half almost two years out of the 10 years we have been together. When it started I figured it was becuz he was tired becuz of school and work. So I started to initiate and every time hes come up with an excuse: too tired, sore, heart burn, it’s too late, hes not thinking about sex..or the ever hurtful throwing a FIT about me wanting sex or trying to go down on him. Thought okay we’ve been together a long time sex drives go down…but hes been masturbating at least a few times a week. Compared to the 12 times we had sex in the past year and a half..hes been dropping hints I need to lose weight. The saddest part out of those 12 times 8 time he was asleep when he initiated sex(hes an active sleeper).like the only way hes sexually interested in me anymore is if he doesnt know we are having sex two of those times when he finally woke up during intercourse he jumped off and yelled at me like I did something wrong. I’ve tried dressing sexier…everything I can think of..but he still prefers masturbation. Not even to porn..but to pictures of models and of men dressed like women..feels like hes so uninterested in me sexually he even prefers men who dress like women!!!!obviously still loves me..but it makes me feel unwanted, and ugly like I’m not good enough or theres something wrong with me. I mean I’ve gained 40 lbs over the last 5 years but I’m not fat. I dont know what to do short of dumping him…….
Hes obviously into men
Men dressed like women turn him on? You have bigger problems than what you imagine.
Sadly, I am in the same page right now. My husband of 12 years likes watching porn even before we got married. However, this is truly painful to me, and J already talked to him about that. He knows that it hurts because he told me once that while we are making love I’m not the person in his mind but all those pornstars that he watched. Now, he is not having sex with me without looking at other women especially with those big chested ones. I feel so devastated, sad and angry. I can’t even look at my body in the mirror. I feel so ugly. It really made me sad because I’ve been trying my best to love him and understand him. There was even a time when we’re about to have sex and he just shook his head. I asked him but he wouldn’t tell me. I insisted then he shouted at me saying that ‘it’s because I have small breasts’. I cried but he did not care saying that it is my fault for not accepting his weaknesses as a man. He has many different issues too, every time he watches porn or look at other women to fantasize them. It made him agitated and easily gets mad. Right now, I don’t know what to do anymore because we almost always fight because of his short-tempered attitude, which usually happens when he watches porn. My children are also affected especially when we are fighting. I’m losing my respect and love for him. Few weeks ago, I found out that he watches porn before we had sex. I asked him why, and he told me that he needed it for a change. It saddens me that he is no longer excited with my body. I remembered when he bought lingeries for me and I wear it during the early years of our marriage. He saw me and he laughed at me. He said that it does not look good me because I’m flat chested and suggested for me to have breast surgery to make them bigger. I was so hurt because I had our first baby that time. I’m thinking of filing an annulment because divorce is not an option in our religion. I feel hurt, devastated and ridiculed.
Exactly , once I’ve read every word and now understand wtf is going on I honestly don’t care because I gave up along time ago . It’s fucking disgusting!
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. This is so much more difficult to do than to say but you need to do what is best for you and like yourself. Sometimes the person we think should be our forever person, the one we think is the person we were meant for really is holding us back from having the life we deserve. I have been divorced for 2 years after being married for 16 years. We were high school sweethearts. I was tired of not being good enough or chosen and I decided that I’m the one who needed to decide whether I was good enough or not and choose myself. It’s not easy, I won’t say it is but at least I don’t go to bed every night and wake up every morning feeling ashamed for being me or feeling worthless. Please do yourself a favor and stop blaming you and quit trying to fix yourself for someone who isn’t worth losing yourself over. You deserve to be happy and feel desired and attractive and if he can’t do that then you know what you need to do.
So an annulment means you weren’t married and had sex over 12 years? Not to get off the subject, but give me a break. Catholicism is such a ridiculous denomination. That’s like saying I was a virgin and then began having sex, but then “annulled” my non-virgin sexually active life and went back to being a virgin. Can’t put the genie back into the bottle I’m afraid.
My husband is always talking about how hit other women are infront of me. He watches porn with nothing but super skinny girls witch I am not.. and it really hurts me what do I do?
If its Love i dont understand why its so diffcult…my guy 2ill get so loud while jercking off it makes me feel horrible..i try n talk to him and then an argument…..id rather just have him OUT of my life than to feel so unwanted and ugly…i feel i love him i support him financially n i get to feel crappy for doung so….i do love him…but i feel he sonr give a damn about me only wat i can give him…
Im hurting n im real tired of feeling like i feel…i dont deserve none of it…
This pandemic really helped me a lot in terms of gaining closure in my marriage. I was able to spend some enough time at home to find out the gross infidelity that has been going right under my nose. I think 2020 should just come to an end already. I would not have found out, thank God for the tips and help I got from my IT guy at work. You can contact him too if you need finding out what significant other is doing on their phone krebsprivateinvestigator at gmail dot com…whoever reads this, know God loves you and there will surely be light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m reading this article with tears in my eyes. I’ve been married for just one year, we have been together 10.
I go to the gym, try to dress nicely, wear sexy things. I get hit on by everyone but my husband. I don’t understand, I’ve tried everything. I cook, clean, give him cuddles, listen, make an errort with his family and friends (they speak to me more than they do him)
I purposely picked out clothing I knew he loved yesterday, I cuddled him, listened to him.
We went to bed and he turned his back to me and fell asleep. I lie there silently crying until I fell asleep.
I dont get it, why ask me to marry him and then treat me like I don’t exist. I feel I have been tricked. It hurts so much.
This is literally my life. I feel like you copy and pasted exactly what I am feeling.
Hello. I want to say you something that totally killed me and I can’t stop thinking about it. My neighbor Angela she showed interest in my boyfriend many times and my father he went to call her to come in our house. She saw that he has a tattoo on his hand and she was holding his hand for longer time. He said that he didn’t felt that she touched him he said his hand was dead. After he became cold and distant with me. But its not his first time to be cold and distant with me. And when I wanted we to have sex he was saying he’s tired and most of the time he was on his phone it was like I don’t exist. Please tell me what to do. I am so confused
I’m 5’7″, 124lbs and athletic. My husband and I married a year and a half ago and about 6 months into the marriage he started wanting sex less and less and I noticed it felt “empty” when we did. I care about my physical appearance a lot. I wear makeup and dress nicely nearly everyday. I tried lingerie and anything else I felt okay doing to get his attention. I asked dhim if there was anything new he wanted to try. I have been trying to talk about the issue off and on for months. He kept saying he was tired or had performance anxiety. I finally told him there has to be something else after he got in the shower with me and there was no sign of any interest in me. He finally admitted he isn’t attracted to me anymore. My face lost color and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then he tells me he hasn’t been for 6 to 12 months. So, he has basically been forcing himself to have sex with me on the rare occasions we actually did.
I feel sick. I’m so hurt and confused. What in the world could be the problem? He swears he isn’t watching porn or having an affair and I believe him. And he swears it isn’t that he was unsatisfied with what we had.
My husband and I have Dex 2-4 times a year. Been married for almost 8 years and it has been going on for 7 years. He refuses to sleep with me in bed and sleeps on the floor. We have a newborn and a 7 year old. About 2 years ago I cheated on him, it was nothing emotional but rather me needing a sexual relationship. I always think my husband doesn’t love but loves his ex. Also he loves his kids so much, that doesn’t have time to spend with me. Lastly, is it normal for your husband to you DUDE every freaking time?
Sorry to hear about what’s happening Cindy.
I am curious, could you clarify your question for me a bit better? “Is it normal for your husband to you Dude every freaking time?” I am not fully sure what you’re asking…
Sorry mad rit confusing. My husband calls me dude for years now, in the beginning it was all babe love and suddenly there are no sweet words. About few days ago I told him to stop calling me dude and that I don’t like him calling me that, his answer was it’s just a phrase and nothing to be sensitive about. In 2018 i really wanted to get a divorce, but he promised if we stay together everything would be back to normal which isn’t now. We have no affection towards each other and just living together for the kids. Does this kind of marriage last?
The question isn’t so much ‘does this kind of marriage last’ but rather, ‘is this the kind of marriage I want to create and be in?’
To answer your question though, yes, there are many unhappily married couples who stay together. In your case though, you’re clearly not happy with what is going on, and it’s possible to change.
Your partner’s response says a few things:
1. He doesn’t know how to validate your emotions
2. You two don’t make time to consciously talk about issues and resolve them
I could be wrong, but based on all you’ve said, there are other issues brewing. The issue of being called dude is one issue that depicts a bigger issue of how your partner isn’t sweet, cuddly, warm, loving, affectionate, and intimate with you. You’d like to have more connection, to be called sweet words, and to have him understand that being called dude isn’t something you like (and that you really miss how he called you babe, love, and other terms of endearment that made you feel good and connected).
Your relationship will benefit from some coaching. I am here if you’d like help in opening up the dialogue and getting your partner to hear you on those deeper levels.
And as a little side note – most women don’t like being called dude by their husbands. You’re not alone there and it’s a very reasonable request to not be called names you don’t like (especially ones like dude that make you feel like ‘one of the guys’ when you’re his wife and would like to feel his love in his words, not some general term like dude that is used for everyone).
Thank you so much for the respond. Reading it makes me wonder our next stage of life. When he is around me he doesn’t feel comfortable somehow feels like he is angry mad controlling. Although he is a great provider our relationship isn’t going great otherwise. We are juli ing just like roommates.
It sounds like you need to have some very clear conversations and set boundaries. When you can do this, your marriage can transform. If you don’t, he has no reason to change. It could help to get extra support, but whatever you do, have a chat with yourself about what you need and then talk to him without blame and clarity.
My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. We separated last June (with minimal contact ~ I did not hound him) as he was having an affair with his ex. Long story short, he reached out early this year and said he wanted to make it work. When we started spending very little time (our connection was phone/text) together he indicated he “wasn’t feeling the chemistry, he wasn’t attracted to me ~ sexually” (he thought he would feel the fireworks like when we first got together and like he had with his ex (as he had not been with her for a long time and was doing something wrong)). I told him it would take time and we needed to be spending time together, that he was “grieving” if you will from the loss of his affair. He went back and forth between wanting our marriage, not wanting our marriage, and thinking they could work again (even though they did not completely get along during the time). I finally said here are the divorce papers. He decided that wasn’t what he wanted and I said it was all or nothing. I’ve been staying there and we talk about future things, but he is still a little distant. I know it will take time to get our connection back, but not sure how to overcome the feelings that it won’t happen soon enough for him. Crappy place to be in and truly hurting.
That is a truly painful situation you’re in. Clearly, you must really love your husband and want to make things work. You also deserve to have him be all in with you. I recommend that you two get counseling to help you two talk, reconnect, and undo all the baggage that is now present from the affair, the painful words, and actions. You are welcome to check out any of my programs, for you two, I suggest my Reconnection Program. Here is the link if you’re interested in seeing it: https://lastingloveconnection.com/loveless-marriage-reconnection-program/
My husband and I will be married 25 years, this May. Together 30. And I am 46 years old. We began dating when I was just 16. I only ever had 1 other boyfriend. We have not had sex for nearly eight years. We have been going through a very difficult past year. I began therapy last October, because I was having panic attacks and have been very unhappy. He refuses to take any part in therapy. As he does not “believe” in it. He has always been very controlling and has been verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. I also, have been abusive back. It seems very toxic. Another reason I started therapy. Recently we had a huge fight and I had him arrested and retained an attorney, to file for divorce. About a week after the arrest, the emergency protection order ended. He started texting. Wanted to come and get some clothes etc… Of course you can probably tell what happened. I felt so sorry for him, I let him move back in. Even though I did have him stay in a separate bedroom and tried setting clear boundaries. Letting him know I am still filing for divorce. And that if there were to be any hope down the line, he needs to seek professional help and we would also need couple therapy. Each day that’s passed, he has been pushing to normalize our relationship. And I am lonely and really felt like I needed to have sex. So, I initiated sex tonight. I tried giving him oral sex, and visuals, which he liked way back when we used to have sex. Well I could not get him hard, at all. So I even asked him to try on his own, so that we could have intercourse. He did for probably 10 minutes. Was able to have sex with me for about 5 minutes and went limp. I feel so embarrassed, weak and rejected right now. We tried talking about it a little, afterwards. But he just kept saying he was actually anxious and worried he wouldn’t be able to get and stay hard. Said to me maybe her needs pills. He will be 50 in July. And I told him, that could be, but it still made me feel very unwanted and hurt, especially in the circumstances we are currently in. He did not open his eyes during the encounter, unless I turned around. Which he used to be very visual. I guess understanding also that he used to be a highly sexual person and that changed dramatically after I became ill in about 2012. I’ve had 8 abdominal surgeries, due to severe endometriosis and recurring ventral hernias from the surgeries, as well as hernia mesh rejection. As well, my stomach muscles have completely separated from each other and have about a 6 inch gap between them now.. which all the surgeons I’ve seen are too scared to try and fix.. I’ve seen 4 so far.So I know I went from having a perfect, flat stomach, to now looking 8 months pregnant all the time. It’s taking such a huge toll on my happiness and mental stability. I feel like I just gross him out at this point. I mean, I literally have no belly button anymore. It detached due to the giant hernia. It’s just another huge hurt, that I don’t know how to fix.. and I just really felt so lonely and wanted to be touched.. he barely touched me at all.. not a kiss.. no oral on his end.. the only participation on his part, was insertion, and grabbing my boob a couple of times. I really regret trying connect with him in this way. I know it is going to further complicate things.
I understand, I’ve been married almost 3 years. I went from being crazy confident, and super sexual to wondering if I’m doing something wrong or like he’s not attracted. I went and got a mommy makeover with breast augmentation, he could literally give a shit less. We’re like the best friends in the world minus the intimacy, and sexual chemistry. He’d rather go in the bathroom and watch mom porn alone, I saw his Google history so I suggested we watch it together, nope he doesn’t want to. Then it’s like work giving him an erection, he doesn’t look at me naked, it’s so different then anything I’m used to. I know I’m in decent shape. My weight is just a few pounds less then when we met which at 5’6 is 133. I used to love doing my hair and getting sexy, now it just makes me feel awful because he doesn’t blink an eye.. I know he’s attracted to older women, I’m relatively the same age as him. He’s had a crazy past in terms of sex, like he wasn’t picky some were beautiful some were hideous it was more the sneaky experience I think .
. I have no fucking clue and I’m just feeling really self conscious and this has been a cycle of me feeling great and trying, feeling rejected, wondering what’s wrong, talking to him, him doing the fake try thing for a week before it lulls back into a sexless, rabbit hole of zero intimacy… I have wondered about sexual orientation, because seriously we get along sooooo well and about everything else are totally open. I feel like this issue will end my marriage. 🙁
This is a pretty good article. Some of the issues in the article are relevant to my husband and I and some not. After reading through all the signs though I realised that more of the signs actually were relevant to us at the beginning of our relationship and maybe I should’ve brought the issues up with him before we even got married.
My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. We’ve been together for 3 and a half years. We’ve been having some conversations lately that are starting to make me think that he’s had some kind of epiphany and realised that he doesn’t find me as sexually attractive as he has been to other women that he’s been with. An example would be. I have quite curly and unruly hair. I straighten it every now and again. He has made no secret that he prefers women with straight hair, which is fine. I prefer my hair when it’s straight as well because it’s much easier to manage but I work full-time sometimes 10 hour days so I don’t often have the time to do it. My husband suggested that I make an appointment to do keratin treatment on my hair. It’s a treatment that would make my hair straight semi permanently. Again it’s something that I have often thought about doing before I even met him, so I don’t mind to do it.
The other day though he said he’d like it if I experimented more with my hair like dyed it or something. I have never dyed my hair. I quite like it’s natural colour. I’m getting the feeling that it’s finally hit him after a year of marriage that he’s signed up to look at the same face for the rest of his life so if I change my look a bit it won’t be so bad.
My husband also makes it no secret that he’s not attracted to larger women. I know I’m not fat by any means. I could be a bit more toned though. What I mean by that is I have a bit of a belly. I don’t think he’s a big fan of it because he’s said that he likes women with flat stomachs.
I don’t know much about the past women that he’s been with. I tried to bring it up once and got shut down pretty quickly. I am just curious because he’s French and I’m Australian. We live in Australia. He often compares European women to Australian women saying that he finds that European women look after themselves more and he finds Australian women to be more neglected. I don’t know if he’s had more experience dating French women or Australian women before he met me so maybe I’m not what he was used to before? He knew full well that I’m Australian when we were dating. This isn’t France. You can’t compare it and you can’t expect that people will have the same mentality. If he wanted to be with a women with a French mentality he should’ve gone back there then.
At the start of our relationship there were also a few hiccups. The signs in this article were actually more relevant then they are now to be honest. My husband and I actually started out in a long distance relationship. We were living in different states so we used to fly to visit each other every few weeks before I eventually moved in with him. We waited almost a year before we slept together and I was the one who initiated it. I did so because before that just as your article said he hardly tried to touch me. He’s certainly not shy about it now and I don’t think he has been shy about it with other women. I was wondering the other day maybe even back then he wasn’t that sexually attracted to me because if he was why wouldn’t he have tried? I have asked him about it before and he said the reason he didn’t try was because he didn’t want to give me the impression early on that sex was all he was after. We waited almost a year though! I think the message was pretty clear to me if he was still with me after a year.
A few months after I moved we did have a dry spell for almost 2 months. I wasn’t sure why until I brought it up with him. When you don’t know unfortunately your mind goes to the wrong conclusions. I was thinking he might have some kind of attraction to a female colleague. I was wrong though. My husband just told me he was getting a bit bored of the sex and wanted us to spice things up. To be perfectly honest I had heard him masturbating, which is what led me to discuss it with him. To be honest if I hadn’t asked him why he hasn’t touched me in 2 months I would never have known and I would’ve kept on thinking he had feelings for someone else and it would’ve just gone on and on and something would’ve cracked eventually. As a woman it’s very upsetting to hear your partner doing that instead of coming to you because you think they’re obviously not turning to me for relief so they must be getting turned on by someone else.
Sorry for the long post. Just had a lot to get off my mind.
Kim – thank you for this clear share! I know everyone reading it will appreciate it (I sure did).
It sounds like you and your partner are learning a lot about each other. This is quite typical in the first few years. Partners are learning about each other, changing, and realizing a lot about yourselves and the other.
As I read your post, I was glad you shared. I also noticed that your partner is fairly good at sharing what’s going on for him. Have you considered telling him you’re worried he’s not attracted to you? It seems like this conversation could be beneficial.
I do want to add that attraction for both men and women is very much in the head. So, it makes me wonder, what ways can you and your partner create a deeper bond and spice things up that is fun for the both of you? Doing something new, traveling, working out together…you don’t certainly have to dye your hair or get more toned. If those things aren’t really a fit for you, it’ll be hard for that to fully work. No harm in trying, there is something to trying new things and that we all must change in some ways to make our marriage better – but if those changes aren’t something you like or don’t feel good to you – no sense in doing them for a sustained period of time.
Thanks again for sharing. I hope to hear some updates. The first few years of marriages usually bring up these kinds of issues the most and require some deep conversations to help re-shape the marriage so both partners can feel connected.
I am curious, have you two tried counseling/coaching? In situations like this – I find that the sexual attraction being off is due to something else (not just the physical). Since all things are connected, when the couple is struggling to talk, live their dreams, share deeply, or is challenged in some other way – the sex is off.
Some couples have come to saying their sex life was gone, they wanted it back. While their focus was there, the sessions helped us see that the couple had grown apart in some ways, that each partner hadn’t felt alive in life, or had something else that they didn’t connect to sexual attraction (but once they talked about it, shared, and discovered the other issues) they started to feel more alive in every area. Just like when we’re happy all things seem easier, our sex lives can be impacted by our lack of feeling connected, or alive in other areas.
If you would like to talk further, feel free to schedule a free marriage consultation for you and your partner together.
I am going through the same issue. Continually, I pick men with avoidant personalities. My first boyfriend wanted me to be faithful to him, while he screwed everything he wanted. My ex-husband of 20 years wanted me to not bother or touch him and he had a voracious porn addiction. I went back to the first boyfriend and guess what? The only thing that changed about him was his porn addiction now was fueled by making me observe him jacking off. My tears must have made the orgasm better. Jump to today…I’ve been with my current boyfriend 3.5 years. I realized almost 2 weeks ago that I was begging for sex. He’s doing this all while he teases me about having a dildoI am not begging for shit. That’s definitely not a good look, nor one I want. I am tired. I am 48 years old and I am at cross road in my life that only sees me moving forward by myself. I definitely don’t want another relationship after this. I’m not good at handling the new desires and needs of men when I have consistently neglected my own needs for their happiness at my financial and emotional expense. Good luck to all that keep fighting this fight. I believe my best route is an avoidant personality for myself.
I’ve been in 2 years relationship with my partner. At first everything seems right and fun and serious, until one day after a year, i feel like he didnt look at me and initiate sex, then i found out that he had a sexchat with some random girls. He asked to have a video call sex, he also had some of girls picture on his phone. He chatted with someone else like he’s looking for some fresh air. I confront him, because I was in shock. He was shocked as well when he knew i looked up to his phone. He first explained to me that all men has fantasy and it’s just a gateaway. He said i was lucky because he didnt literally cheat, he just did some adrenaline rush. Then he blamed me for looking at his phone without him knowing. I feel stupid, I apologized and I said I’ll try to understand him better. 5 months went well, I was ill and got rush to the hospital. He was so kind, he accompanied me everyday. But then after I got back from hospital, I decided to check his phone again, and I was shocked again with the fact he had the sexchat application again, this he asked some random girls to have sex with no protection (condom). I was really hurt.. i thought i want this relationship to be ended, i want him to regret. But i failed.. this time i tried to talk to him, explained what i feel.. he didnt seem like understand and he just said that we’re completely different, we just have to break up.. i wasnt ready for break up, i begged him for not leaving me.. he said that it’s only for adrenaline and nothing more.. i actually found out his chat with one girl he met when he’s out of town. But it seems like he’s not continuing it. When i confront him, he said he didnt meet her. I dont know if it’s a lie. Everything back to normal now.. we have reguler sex once in a week or once in two weeks. But now things are getting not normal again, he seems a little off. We didnt have sex for 1 month. I know he watches porn and masturbate, At first it bothered me. But now, I dont care anymore as long as he gave me the sex.. but he just turns me down a lot of time.. and i was confuse and sad.. maybe he’s just not really attracted to me anymore. I tried to wear sexy clothes and ofcourse initiate sex but he just still off.. he said he will think about sex later while he jerk off in the bathroom or when i go to work.. i feel hurt i dont know what to do.. should i leave him? But i think we love each other.. i just feel depressed and i cried a lot because i feel unwanted..
You story kinda close to mine in regards of notice something off about him, I checking his phone and browser history too. His phone was clean but his browser history said he been watching porn everyday, even when I step out to take a shower to get ready for a movie night, he did a quick session on internet porn…If he have normal sex with me I admit I wouldnt budge at all. But after COVID lock down started last year, he initiate sex less and less, sometime he didnt wanna kiss me because fear of spreading the virus…I complaint about kiss, then he start to kiss me like normal again. But he still seem to rather watch porn and check out random girls profile on FB than initiate sex with me. We get along fine like a close friend but lack of spark like the first 7 months we dating. I havnt catch him having sex with anyone yet, I hope I dont find it. I kinda trust he won’t do it, but I am so confused and insecured of why he is even with me if he dont find me attractive anymore. We are together for 2yrs like you. I couldnt imagine if he told me or confess he did fuck someone else, I would be really devastated. I feel the same way like you do, feel unattractive, unwanted, no matter what I do its not enough for him, so on..I hate it. I know I have to leave him at one point and the point is he sleep with someone else. I draw the line there.
My husband doesn’t invest in me neither he talks about our future plans nothing at all so I felt like he doesn’t love me anymore I confronted him by asking him if he is no more attached to me and he denied it that he still loves me .we argue all the time .during sex he takes he bath and sleep in the sitting room I just don’t understand him he totally changed .what should I do ,? I lost affection towards him and I want to leave this marriage am tired he is not caring neither loving .
Nevermind couples counseling. If a man wants you to lose weight, get out of the relationship because the issue is really with HIS self esteem. He uses a woman to “look good on his arm” because he talks to other ignorant, uneducated, self absorbed men who put pressure on him to have a woman who looks a certain way. Men like that are shallow and worthless, and honestly, there are a lot of other men who like a plump girl. Go find one of them! Ditch the zero (like that dumb guy on here griping about his woman and the gym) and find a hero who won’t take you for granted.
Waiting for, chasing after, or even wasting love on someone who doesn’t reciprocate is incredibly humiliating and damaging to a woman’s self esteem and cause a women to gain weight in addition to a host of other psychological issues. Men only understand ACTION. You can’t talk your way into their black hearts, but you can get back your self respect at least and let him watch you walk out the door and find your own happiness WITHOUT HIM. Then the pathetic, shallow, neglectful, selfish PIG can live with THAT.
Action is powerful. I definitely agree with you there. Women should definitely do what helps them feel better, empowered, and beautiful. If counseling helps, great, if not, that is fine too. What matters is that couples and singles can feel the LOVE. Thanks for sharing Lisa.
Finally!!!! An answer that makes sense!!!! Men gain weight, too!!! If you truly love someone, weight should not be the number one factor! I was getting so angry over these remarks about skinny women. There are a lot of shapes and sizes people prefer. Not just being thin. Some of these comments are so shallow. There are a lot of factors why marriage has troubles in the bedroom. My husband and I are working them out. Our house is never quiet. And now with quarantine, sex is so difficult. Damn, we need a love shack!
Covid19 has definitely affected couples, it’s been harder for many parents to find ways to connect. Might I suggest finding little ways to build in ‘time-away’ Things like going on short walks, maybe having your kids stay with a family member for part of a day…Only you know what will work, but little dates like I am suggesting can help immensely. AND let me add, I am really happy to hear that you’ve had a turn-around in your relationship. I fully agree, body size isn’t the whole thing and often times it’s not really that much of an issue, it just looks like it is. Sometimes of course it is, but quite often it’s really about how a couple gets along and how connected they feel.
He is in jail and now I’m leaving. In his absence I have found more porn on his computer than I have ever seen in my whole life, drugs and a motel key in his wallet, no confirmation of follow through like meet meet here at this time or whatever but emails with someone on craigslist that say $45? Or when he was working out of town trying to meet up with someone there, reminder on his calendar for the same cam girl everyday booked all the way ahead in the future. FOR 2 YEARS he has chosen the drugs and the porn out in my shed INSTEAD OF ME EVERY SINGLE DAY. I begged him to just sleep in the same bed with me all those nights I fell asleep alone feeling physically ill from lack of touch, tried being sexual and watching it too with him, no wonder he practically fell asleep on pathetic little old me when he was doing all that. He claims he “found” the motel key, I have informed him that I can find a motel key too and no I won’t be sitting alone on my birthday next weekend. I will pay the money to write him or whatever just so I can torture him the way he has me, then dump him. Plenty of other guys lined up. I was shown no mercy. Payback is a mfer! Plenty of guys that want to cuddle, have sex and even do more with ME! I am good enough and I deserve love
So let’s assume you married someone who has gained 60 or 70 lbs since you married them? Are you still suggesting the partner is a “pig” for wanting them to maintain a weight closer to what they were at the time they married? You do realize that there are women out there who feel the same way when their husbands let themselves go right? Are they pigs as well?
My husband I had a long distance relationship for 2 years and I finally moved to his state a month ago. We married 6 months ago and when we would travel to see each other the sex was there. We had a lot of time to build an emotional connection due to the distance but since I’ve moved here he doesn’t kiss me, touch me or make love to me. He doesn’t look at me when I’m naked or when we shower together. When we go to bed and wake up, there is no kiss before or after or even a hi, good morning or goodnight. It’s blah! Before I moved we talked and texted every morning and every night. All of that has stopped.
Since the quarantine we both have gained weight due to the gyms being closed. We both used to be very into fitness but not much now.
Due to his physical distance, I felt I needed to look through his phone for answers. I found him looking at a ton of Instagram fitness models who are are half naked and very provocative. This has made me feel extremely insecure especially after me telling him how I don’t feel sexy because if my weight gain.
It’s a tough place you’re in. It sounds like you’d like to make things work, but now you’re feeling insecure.
I am curious when you told him you felt extremely insecure, what did he say? How did he respond?
While this quarantine has impacted your weight (and that of many couples) research does show that within the first few years of marriage the average male gains around 20 pounds and the woman gains 20-30 pounds too. It’s normal to gain weight in the early stages of marriage (and then keep it on).
I also know it hurts to feel that your partner isn’t attracted to you. I am curious, have you considered reaching out to a relationship expert to help you and your partner talk about the issues and how you two are feeling more disconnected?
Thank you for writing this article. Although I do wish I would have came across it 3 years ago. After 15 years of marriage a long list of the signs mentioned in the article seemed to start happening so gradually that it left me dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to make of it or what to do about it. I had no idea that he had lost his attraction to me. I made many excuses for his behavior toward me. Until the day arrived in which he chose to be very blunt with me. one fine morning when I confusing asked if he could explain to me why he seemed so distan h e told me he no longer felt chemistry with me. I could finally see that he was holding this in for quite some time and just couldn’t find a way to break it to me looking back. I was shocked, hurt is an understatement, I was crushed. My love for him felt stronger every year that passed. I thought he felt the same. Long story short, we worked things out. We are happy now. At first I was the weak one. I spent more than a year in depression. But I took the reigns. I lost weight. Over 100 lbs. I started taking care of me. I decided I wanted to, needed to, and deserved to be happy. I decided that I needed to take charge of my own happiness with or without him. I was so miserable and sad with him knowing and feeling unwanted that it was just destroying my.persona and that was not healthy. I told him after the first year that if he wanted to stay with me I needed to see changes in him. I wanted to be with someone who wants me. Not someone who is staying for every other reason. well he seemed to like this take charge side of me. I am happier now and so is he. I promised myself never to let myself go thru that again even if I had to walk away from the person that I loved to the moon and back because saying good bye is a part of life and eventually we learn to love and be happy again.
What a powerful story!
All of us, in every relationship that matters, must make some changes to make the relationship work. It may not be about changing our bodies, but maybe how we listen, how we appreciate, how we ask for things, or something else. In the end though, those changes must be made because we want to be happy.
Your quote here: “I needed to take charge of my own happiness with or without him,” is quite powerful. That is where we truly must make any change from. I am glad to hear that he too was willing to make some changes – when that happens, you have the recipe for an amazing relationship.
The best marriages are ones where both partners are willing to grow, transform, and become more for the relationship. Relationships are all about loving our partner for who they are, and loving ourselves enough to be willing to grow and change not just for our partner/relationship but also for ourselves.
yes, it’s great our partner loves us for who we are, but it’s also great that we are willing to grow and transform to make our relationship happier and better.
I am glad to hear that it all worked for you! Thanks for sharing Louise
I am wondering if anyone has advise for me;
18 months ago I told my husband of 30 years that I want to seperate, that I do not want sxx anymore. He refused, we both went to therapy (separetly), married a daughter, stopped therapy. We have been living together all this time with no physical contact with him constantly trying and saying he wants me and only me. I have told hime we could be friends, told him to just go find the sex someplace else.
Lately I discovered that he was having sex with someone, |’m not sure for how long, at least a year. When I realized where he was all those nights when I was relieved that he didn’t come home and found myself alone on a holiday I was devasted and realized that I do not want to end our life together and want to try again hoping we can change. We have not had sex in over a year and I wanted to take it slowly but I got carried away and yesterday it happened…..Except he never really got hard.
I felt terribly unatractive (I am very overweight) and kept thinking it was because of me, that he had been with someone firmer and smaller and dfferent that he doesn’t want me anymore. He swore it was the alcohol and the excitement and he did come without ever really getting hard. Instead of being supportive of a man in distress I cried and was sure it was me and I feel very insecure and I do not know how to know. I guess I’ll just have to wait for the next time.
Is it possible for a man to love and say he only wants yu and nobody else but not get hard?
Hi…I’ve been married a little over a year to a man I adore after dating for 5 years and living together for 2. He used to be out of town for 6 weeks at a time and we would write very steamy sexts to each other during that time. He started a job in which he doesn’t have to travel now, and at first I was happy about that. Till our passion died. I still feel the same way about him but he isn’t interested in making love to me now…just wants fellatio, and I comply, almost every day and sometimes 3 times a day. I had breast cancer and a mastectomy 5 years ago but he married me anyway even though my body is no longer young or attractive. There is nothing I can do to help it. I try wearing sexy nighties and panties and I always initiate sex which always turns into fellatio for him, nothing for me. I talked to him about it and occasionally he’ll finger me but I feel he does it out of a sense of obligation. He had ooen heart surgery last year and I expected a bit of a recuperation period but he just doesn’t even try to have intercourse with me and says going down on me hurts his neck. So it’s basically me taking care of him, then he goes to sleep and I go to the bathroom to finish myself with a toy. He’s so loving in many ways…hilds me cloae at night while we sleep, makes breakfast for me and dinner too when he’s home. I know he loves me. I just don’t turn him on and I don’t know how to fix that. We’re both a youthful looking 60 yrs of age and I eant to be attractive for him. But I can’t put back what cancer took away, even with pretty nighties. He never touches my reconstructed chest and won’t look at me naked at all. Any suggestions?
In your message, there is a lot of focus on what your body ‘used to be’ and what you ‘used to have.’ Yet, I think about this: when someone loves you, they can find your scars, wounds, changes and body shifts as something sexy because it YOU.
It sounds like he really loves you, and is a sweet invested man.
I wonder if there is something deeper going on?
How is communication outside of sex? How is the fun, play, time together, connection?
My bet here is this – there are other things that are ‘off’ and sex is a symptom of those things.
While we know men are quite visual, we also know that sexual turn-on for men and women is largely in the head and heart. That means, if the sex is off but most things are good – it’s still likely it’s not just the sex, but rather the sex is a manifestation of an ‘offness’ that is outside of sex. If that makes sense?
As I’ve said before, many couples who come to me seeking support rekindling sexual sparks, find that in our work we resolve all kinds of things that aren’t just sexually related and they find that their sex-life and intimacy improves.
If you would like to speak further, you’re welcome to schedule a complimentary couples consultation session. *(and of course, you’re welcome to write more here* For the complimentary consultation session, you can go here to schedule: https://lastingloveconnection.com/contact/
So as of recently I just found out some devastating news I found out my husband has been cheating on me, I found sexual videos of him with other women on a secret phone he kept hidden for me. I felt as if being dead would have hurt less then seeing what I saw. I confronted him with what I found and he confessed and answered all my questions and seemed very regretful, he explained to me the reason he did what he did was because in my past before I met him I was an exotic dancer and he couldn’t live with the fact of knowing that as a man. So I choose to forgive him but I can’t help but feel he is still lying and is not physically attracted to me anymore because I’ve had 3 kids and my body isn’t the same as when we met hes even hinted weight loss. How do I know he wasn’t attracted more to the women he cheated with in the videos rather then me or is really going to change and never hurt me like this again. Since finding out he has been more touchy then he has in the past but is it temporary is it even real? Or does he just feel guilt and is staying with me out of comfort my worry is he will cheat again and I just can’t handle this pain again !
20 out of 24…. However, nothing has changed, has always been this way. Just didn’t realize it before 3 years of marriage 😥
Hi all
Im actually in tears when I read all your comments I thought im the only one who is going crazy.
My husband and I have been married for 1 year and 6months.. prior to marriage we used to have a great sex life.. hes mum passed away about, 3 ,years ago and I decided to move in with him n hes bro.. so with I became the female in the house… so im always there with him it used to be like we were married and I slowly noticed that hes sex drive was going…. like when he drinks he can get it up..but it dies and then everything is over.. so nevertheless we had a huge wedding October 2018.. im currently 6 months pregnant.. n honestly it feels like hes not attracted to me anymore.. he doesn’t me or even try to turn me on.. please dont get me wrong hes absolutely loving and caring as a husband… he is such a gentleman he even helps me around the house.. but sexually I dont know whats going on.. he loves playing playstation with hes online buddies.. which i don’t mind but it usually goes on until really late at night possibly till 2 or 3am daily.. until I shout about it he comes to bed n says that I know he suffers from insomnia theres nothing else he can do.. ok fine another instance where I try to come onto him. Instantly he says..sleep baby.. or lets sleep, or your pregnant using that as an excuse or something that indicates hes not interested me sexually.. I think we only had sex like.4 or.5 ,times since the start of.this year..
Yeah so it kinda bothers but mostly it hurts me so much im too embarrassed to talk to anyone I know personally or to him directly cos I feel like he would get angry me n might think im like a sex addict honestly I cant have sex every night but possibly like 2 times a week isnt asking for much.. but to him everything is dead I know he watches porn because I found videos on hes tablet.. we fought about it not because I have a prob with him watching it but because he would rather watch porn than b with me.. im not concieted but im very attractive.. even though im pregnant I haven’t gained much weight just the tummy.. I dress up smart all the time when we go out.. he notices other men looking at me n it doesn’t bother him.. I cook n clean n take of the house but i feel more like he’s mother rather than a wife.. apart from this hs never romantic like never for Valentines day I had to do a nice outside candlelight dinner for him…because im pregnant he usually massages my tummy n body with tissue oils daily after my evening shower.. n I would have tthought by him touching me it wud arouse him maybe get him more interested sexually but nothing so I stopped calling him I do it myself.. tonight I lookd into the mirror and then I asked him do u still find me attractive he giggled and said if I didnt find u attractive then y am I still with u so I kept quiet then he decided to come to bed early and I thought maybe he would try to initiate sex but nothing.. he jst fell asleep and im the one crying all the tears from the heartache pain and rejection… I know he loves me with all hes heart n I love him more..but sexually something isnt working.. and I just dont know what to do and it hurts the most when my Friends and female cuzins speak about their life and im sitting there trying to keep my mouth full so I dont have to comment on mine.. I have even thought about secretly adding some sex arousal meds to hes food but I decided hs only going to have sex with me for thr craving and not because of attraction. Does anyone have any advice for me ….
My story is a little different. Married x 15 years, 3 kids, kind, loving, slender and funny, but I WAS very top heavy. AND I had a breast reduction without my husband’s approval. Just like most men he loved big breasts. Prior to the surgery my back kept giving out and I had shoulder pain. Then there were the men, well they were the worst, they treated me like a piece of meat. The gawking, the ridiculous smiles, the standing over me at my desk, the looking at my chest as I was talking, and then, gravity who was not my friend. All of it played a part in my decision to go forward. I have no regrets whatsoever to my decision, not one. I am pain free, I can wear whatever I want without feeling so uncomfortable, my breasts are a beautiful perky B Cup and I am totally proportioned with the rest of my body. My husband hasn’t touched my breasts since and constantly (as in daily) says the most hurtful things (you look ugly, hugs feel awful now, tells me he finds me disgusting, etc.) to me, even a year later. Unless God does something miraculous to save our marriage, this is pretty much the end of our marriage, (once we have our financial orders in place). It breaks my heart that in the end I only amounted to a pair of boobs to him. However, I love myself enough to look forward to being loved and touched the way I ALWAYS SHOULD have been. Quite frankly, I will probably go crazy on the first guy I allow to touch me. HA! I feel sorry for my husband, but not enough to stay with him. He has given me a gift, to want, see and expect more from my next lover/partner/friend. Life is so incredibly precious, and no one should stay with someone who is worried about how they look. If your spouse is worried about your health, that is a different story, but looks, absolutely not. Let him go with grace and a smile. I could not be more excited about my future and freeing myself from such an unkind human. In the end it will feel like I got rid of three boobs. Ha!
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have hit an all time low in our marriage. We have sex often but I always initiate. There is NO foreplay what so ever. Completely silent and so boring. I tried to bring different ideas into the bedroom. He shows no interest. Lately he can’t reach orgasms and this has never been an issue. He does watch porn and I don’t mind but when I ask him what he likes he literally says whatever you want. I’m 46 and my husband just turned 40. My face has aged a lot in the past few years because of major medical problems. This was a very hard time and my husband was there every step of the way. That was about 4 years ago and it has only got bad in the past 6 months. I feel like we are just friends with benefits ( but there are really no benefits because it just isn’t good) . He says there is nothing wrong but I feel differently. It’s so bad that I feel like leaving. I have tried to get him to go to counseling with me and he flat out refuses. Our issues are not just in the bedroom. I feel as if we have grown apart completely. This makes me very sad. We don’t really talk about anything. We argue a lot and it seems as if we are around our friends we both are happier because it isn’t just us. I think that our marriage is over. Just don’t know how to call it quits.
It is steel astonishing and surprising to me how many mental health professionals are recommending porn as a cure for anything. What had happened with your moral values? Fortunately there are scientists who interview a number of clinical experts, former porn industry workers and the victims of porn and create this fact based documentaries that contribute to the project of total ban of this destructive precedent: https://brainheartworld.org/
Thank you for sharing. in this article I did not promote porn, instead, I encourage each person to decide and I do point readers to resources on the harms as well as the possible upsides. I have spent time interviewing sex workers, porn addiction experts, and many therapists in the field of couple’s happiness. There are varying opinions and I appreciate you sharing yours here too. I do agree, that porn has possible damaging effects. Thank you for sharing your opinion and insight. You’re also welcome to check out my interview with porn addiction expert, Gary Wilson, who spoke on the harms and how porn can even change one’s brain chemistry: https://lastingloveconnection.com/porn-addiction/
My husband of five months snaps at me all the time and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’ve talked to him and he says he’s just to busy. I’m so sad. I think I made a big mistake getting married. We are older in our late 50s.
My partner and I recently got back together after two years of not being together and I’ve been noticing that he talks a lot about taking me to the gym giving me hints on losing a little bit of weight and it does bother me a bit . The first time in two years when he saw me with makeup and a dress on he just looked at me and didnt even smiled or complimented me I was honestly thinking that he would be surprised on seeing me like that. Dont get me started on sex … he stopped trying to sexually touch me basically he just wants to get it over with . We barely even have sex and he blames it on work. I just feel like I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore
My husband’s and my sex life has been awful for 5 years. He stopped initiating years ago, has ED and PE issues and in general shows no interest in me as a woman. He came clean a couple of years ago about having a decades-long porn addiction. He finally joined a 12-step program last year, and since that time our sex life has gone from awful to non-existent. Meanwhile, my desire for sex has gone to zero, and even though I know I am an attractive woman, I have come to see myself as ugly and hate my body after half a decade of rejection from my husband. I thought things would get better after he got help, but now I am seriously thinking of leaving the relationship, as it just never seems to get better. Not sure what to do but dont want to waste another 5 years waiting for my husband to want me.
It’s very painful and difficult to imagine that turning 47, having 50 plus hot flashes a day, choosing to love myself and let my gray hair come in, and then, thank you loss of estrogen, gaining about 15 lb, have all truly changed the way I look and change the way I look at myself. Menopause has been a real downer for me. But, last night I found out that I’m not sexy to my husband anymore either. My husband of 25 years. That’s hard.
Hi me and my husband have been together for 15 years and married for 12 it started about 6 months ago he went on to some sites to make friends and he has a app called hangouts and he talks to girls on there he says they are only friends but I don’t know and he has a Instagram account and comment on one of the girls he follows calling them a sexy lady he works away Monday to Friday and I have spoken to him and he says they are friends he turns his phone off in a night aswell but up and till about 6 months ago it’s all ways been me and him
Luis, your concern is very kind. My husband and I are still friends and all. I have tried all kinds of humiliating things to attract him. I would like for him to go to therapy so we can talk about what to do in a less confrontational environment but he insists nothing is wrong. I would love to get some help with a conversation about how to handle transitioning away from marriage. I think the answer is to be only friends and let him find a young woman while I finish raising our son and for me to accept that my sexuality is over. The other man complaining that his wife isn’t thin enough, sure he says she isn’t trying but I am not sure that’s it. Men are only attracted to young women. It’s so sad because in our late 40s we really understand our bodies and truly enjoy sex but men aren’t interested any more. When you get older you will see. We don’t all have the same resources celebrities have. How many men looked at their wives in disgust after the Super Bowl and said to themselves, “if she would just eat a couple of salads and do JLos workout she would look like her.” There is a LOT of money invested in why she looks like that at 50. We can’t do it in between working and raising kids and without spending 10s of thousands of dollars. It’s not fair, but fighting it is frustrating and pointless. Just let them find a 25 year old and make a new life with her. Sometimes the answer is to move on.
All that sounds quite painful. I have personally sat with around 1,000 couples. All of varying ages. Most tend to be in their 40s and 50s, as that tends to be an age when couples are more open to counseling (and have the resources).
As to your age thing, I kindly disagree.
There are many healthy couples in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond with healthy and active sex lives, passionate love, and attraction. The other day I interviewed a couple who have been together for 40+ years, kids are fully grown, and they shared with me how they enjoy an active sex life as a couple.
As per your desire to transition away from marriage. You may like a book titled, “Conscious Uncoupling.” (here is a link: https://amzn.to/2uDdfQv) We had the author on our podcast and she’s been touted by celebrities in helping them consciously uncouple.
I am in no way advising you to end or stay in your relationship. Just sharing a resource.
In long term relationships, I’ve seen many couples become complacent and avoid therapy, talk-time, or shared space to discuss the issues. That avoidance only works to hurt things more…I am sorry your partner isn’t open to talking to someone. I do appreciate that you’re talking about it though. He may not be open to it, but if you take care of you, you’ll at least find you are able to find some relief and can find some new joy again.
I thank you again for sharing all this with the community here. In my marriage Bootcamp courses, I’ve always seen tremendous value when couples hear from others, so your sharing is a gift to the community here.
I have gained weight, and I’m older now. I am getting treatments, Botox, exercising and starving myself because my husband isn’t attracted to me any more. Here’s the thing: I can lose this weight (maybe, nothing is working, I’m so depressed now I’m always moments from tears) but I can’t get younger. So I really feel like there isn’t much point. I am starting to think that once you’re past 45, if your husband isn’t attracted you should just leave. There is no point in killing yourself for someone else, and besides, I’m not sure I really want someone who can’t accept that people age. I get that men are visual. I just think maybe this means that after 45 women should accept that men are going to be done with them and find other things to make themselves happy.
I agree with you – people age. Bodies change. Gravity comes. A man and woman should first and foremost, be connected by their hearts and spirits. I think it’s all fine and dandy to work on yourself in any way that makes you feel better. It sounds like it’s really getting to you to do all these things though…that is a recipe for disaster.
As one man stated, the physical element has changed his attraction, but if you read carefully, it’s more about how he sees his wife’s lack of motivation and lack of inspiration. If you’re doing so much and still feel depressed, it’s likely a good idea to stop trying to change yourself so much. It won’t do any good to look how he wants and for you to be unhappy.
Instead of looking at this as a purely physical thing, let me ask some other questions.
I am curious, aside from the physical aspects, are there ways you and your partner have lost some connection? Are you having fun together? Are you open with one another? Are you making time to explore and get to know each other anew? Have you tried adding in some novelty (I don’t mean sexually, just new experiences can be great – there’s research showing novelty triggers parts of the brain associated with new love).
My guess is, you and your partner have layers of things going on.
If you try to resolve your looks, you may chip at part of the issue. Still, usually, the root issue is more about – how you two talk to each other, how you appreciate and honor one another, shared dreams and shared ideas for the future, and how you resolve issues.
I’d hate for you to go all out with diets, botox…and find out that doesn’t solve the root problem (which it won’t). My best advice is to start talking to your partner. In my work as a relationship coach, I find that women who are going on diets, starving themselves, and trying other potentially radical methods are missing out on the opportunity to talk to their partner (and are likely doing so because they don’t know of another way). Quite often too, the women have hinted at the issue with their partner, but haven’t had a clear conversation. And there is the bigger problem – both partners are missing out on clear conversations where there’s empathy, connection, and a clear sense of ‘we know each other.’
If you need help talking to your partner, it can help to hire a professional who knows how to make communication easier. That’s what I do – I help couples open up and decode what’s missing.
Since this is the work that I do, I’d strongly encourage you to schedule a free consultation with me here: https://calendly.com/luiscongdon/consult
(it’s free, no pitch, just a consult and you can decide if you’d like to speak further).
Tricia – thank you for sharing and for being brave enough to tell the community here what is happening. I want you to know, the physical element is a very thin slice of the pie here. I hope you can talk to your husband before you take any other radical steps. You deserve to be loved regardless of how you look. I hope you’ll find the courage to go one step further and give me (or some other counselor) you trust a call.
Why it seems like only women age? What about the looks of men, nobody in this comments section has mentioned how their partner looks or she wants her partner to change the way he looks or dresses. Because we love the person more than other things. Why do we bear the burden, don’t we deserve better looking men? We don’t hurt the self-esteem of men then why do they do it. It hurts.
I am struggling with those very same questions right now. I poked my husband’s belly last night and asked when I’m going to see a six-pack. I’m feeling pretty angry and bitter right now.
Im going to offer another perspective here, which I hope is valuable seeing as I’m the only man who has commented.
Your article is absolutely 100% spot on. This is exactly how men think, have no doubt, and physical attraction is immensely important to us in a relationship. I strongly believe in personality having a huge factor, but, let’s face it..If I was 100% attracted to personality, I would find my best mate attractive wouldnt I.
The issue here is it takes two to tango and two to keep up effort. My situation is that my wife has got very conformable. So comfortable in fact, that when we got married she actually quit the gym pretty much straight away. She got into a new hobbie, which was physically demanding in a different way, but couldn’t be the substitute on her body for cardiovascular or weight training.
When we first started dating, she absolutely loved the gym and it reflected in her appearance. She even has written on her social media account that she can usually be found there. 5 years later, she has gone from a size 8 to now a size 14 going 16. We don’t even have kids.
Please do not tell me that I, as a human being, an animal, a caveman, am expected to have the same sexual arousal for her as when we first started dating and that I now need some professional councillor to brainwash me into telling me what I do or don’t like.
This is of course all very sad. Your comments above of feeling guilty really resonate with me, and I find myself looking at other women, at pornography, quite naturally.
We have a home gym, with around £1500 worth of equipment. She works at home 3 days a week and is here every weekend. The reason I feel so bitter and sad about this situation is that she has absolutely no excuse having a gym 5 meters away 5 days a week.
I work away 4 days a week, sometimes 5, but I go to the gym when I can, probably exercising about 3 or 4 days a week on average. I dont do this for vanity, I do it because I want to take care of myself and find it helps with my mental health in a pretty stressful job. I know how to get the balance right.
We don’t have sex very often anymore. I think probably once a month at best and it’s difficult for to initiate when I feel that the person looking back at me is a shadow of her former self physically.
It is a great shame to put in so much effort my side and see someone you love not.
I love my wife but constantly think that I wish she took better care of herself. When I’ve raised that I’m concerned about her health in the past I’ve been immensely shot down. She drinks an awful lot of alcohol most Thursday nights and weekends. She eats chocolate like its going out of fashion. It’s really quite sad to watch.
The moral of this story ladies, is, that if I was a woman saying the above about her husband, I would get all of the sympathy in the world. However, as a man, I have to accept this situation and I’m a bastard if I think otherwise. Have absolutely no doubt that the article above is 100% true, and if you’ve gained anything from reading this, take advantage of the knowledge you now have.
John – I appreciate your response. I am glad a man has commented and that this article resonates with you.
Many men who speak with me tell me they feel the same. They want their wives to get more physically active but struggle to have that conversation with their wife. Men are very visual and respond in strong ways to what they see. All that being said, physical attraction is a very small piece of what makes attraction for men and for women.
Even in your response, I see one clear statement: “I am trying really hard and my wife doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t feel her engaging, improving, and working on this relationship with me.”
This is the deeper stuff.
For example, you’ve said: “when I feel that the person looking back at me is a shadow of her former self physically.” I also hear you saying, or want to go out on a limb, and say it’s likely you feel she’s a shadow of herself in other ways. You also mentioned she drinks quite a bit…which I wonder if it means, “she’s not as motivated as she used to be. She doens’t take care of herself and her dreams like she used to. She’s very comfortable and her aspirations aren’t like they used to be.”
This points me to wonder – what if she stopped drinking, got more motivated, and showed the relationship (and her life) more enthusiasm and interest?
My guess is, the issue isn’t just her physical self. It’s a variety of things – and the gym, working out, and weight gain is a piece of it. But, I wonder, if she became more engaged in her dreams, stopped being so ‘settled’ and started showing more engagement in life and her dreams – would that increase the attraction? In my work, I find that most men say yes (and so do women).
I ask this because it’s common for wed couples to put on weight (studies show 25-45 pounds to be normal). Sex also goes down. BUT when you combine weight gain with low passion, lack of motivation, monotonous routine…you get a stale sex life too which is hindered by a variety of things.
John – I thank you for your comments. I appreciate your transparency and the ability to share here. I am also glad you enjoyed the article.
This makes alot of sense. Thank you.
My pleasure. Thanks for letting me know you found it useful.
And what you’re saying is also 100% true. My husband stopped having sex with me, became a chronic masturbate, slowly became disrespectful, careless, reckless, emotional affairs at work, he pretty much turned into someone I did not know anymore – this is five years into marriage with two small children. So, I make him take me out to a food show for my 40th birthday – I wasn’t feeling the love that evening – he was policing my emotions by telling me that I was being too friendly – so, the inner Irish/Filipina Goddess emerged from I don’t know where the fck, but my vibration changed that night – I made him bring us home early and Soon as we got home I directed him to our basement and lit up joint that I had been hiding cause he was such a dick to deal with – I created a safe environment for him to finally tell me how he became a supreme asshole. Well, he said everything under sun except for the truth of why he was treating me like a responsibility – the real truth is – me, wife got fat after kids. Well, I Was 50lbs. Heavier and still beautiful. But in my husbands eyes I had turned into Jubba the hut!! I was so hurt by all of this that I think I lost 20lbs in two months from a broken heart then On month three of a broken heart I came down with kidney stones- 6mm and 2mm – I thought I was gonna die – it took an entire month for them to pass along with three emergency room visits cause I couldn’t handle the pain – through all of that and still – my husband took care of my damaged heart and soul – he stayed home from work the entire time I was ill with kidney stones and waited on me hand and foot. Still today, he takes extra care of our kids by making them their meals, getting them ready for school and being the Chaperone in field trips, he leaves me post it notes all around the house to tell me he’s sorry and that he’s so disgusted by his behaviors – he now only drinks with me, he has no social media – I am in control of our social media – we make posts together, he shows me he loves me by keeping the house clean and makes coffee every freakin’ morning, does laundry, makes all of the grocery runs and buys me all of my favorite yogurts, cheeses, chocolates, ice cream, and all of the ingredients I need, and even candle wax melts and epsom salt for all of my baths – it was really over whelming at first but also realizing how much he really didn’t give a shit about me!! All of his kind gestures and all the romantic gifts wasn’t well received but he kept on – he realized a lot on how he neglected me and now loves to show me how much he really does love and care for me and how stupid he was for not seeing how much of a badass I really was then – he seriously worships the ground I walk on because he saw the tremendous amount of strength it took to forgive him. I think everybody comes around. Now the only one who can F this up is me. As crazy as it sounds – it made us better and for each other.
Your story just resonated with me, it was so similar. Even down to the shared joint… My husband broke my heart too. For months, he displayed 23/24 behaviours on this list, then finally one day, I had enough. We shared a joint/beer and he spilled the beans. For better or for worse, sickness and health, but he is not attracted to my 50lbs heavier body. I lost 15 lbs in the past almost 2 months, and started noticing that my pee is super yellow. Been feeling like period cramps, but I’m thinking I’m so wrong. I don’t want to fall ill, but if my husband responds the way that your husband did, gosh, maybe I should get really sick! No, I will get myself checked out lol. I hope I don’t screw things up now…
My husband and I have been together 11 years. We use to be very sexually active with each other and that has slowed down to maybe 1-3 times a month just within the last 2years . I talked to him and he said he feels fine and he is happy, it’s not something he really thinks about. We hold hands every night and cuddle. I worried it’s my body, I have gained 65 pounds since we got together 35 being the past few years.
Since I found out I was pregnant (3years ago), my husband has stopped all romance, sexual advances and touching me. He’s a great father, loves our son, but our relationship just feels cold. When I bring it up – he just gets mad and storms out without talking about it. When I start getting fussy over wanting intercourse, I feel he does it to shut me up and goes on with his day. Our communication is just awful and turns into a fight. I love him and want this to work – I don’t know what to do?
My husband and I have been married for a year, and together for 3. Obviously in the beginning we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and with time it decreased to once to twice a week.
About 4 months ago, after suffering for months, I was diagnosed with depression. So durring this time, I lost most of my usual interest, including being active which has caused me to gain weight. I have been recieving treatment and I do feel alot better however, still struggle with consistantly staying active.
Durring this time, our sex life was up and down, but lately over the last month, my husband barely wants to touch me, or even look at me naked, let alone wanting to engage in sex. He doesnt have any problems cuddling or kissing me, but if I try to initiate sex, he turns me down and rather watches porn. Although not regular, he is watching it once to twice a week rather than engaging in sex with me.
I feel like I’m not good enough or attractive enough which has a huge effect on my self esteem and contributes towards my depression and makes it even harder to try and be more active.
I used to be a very strong independent woman with so much self worth, but I feel like I’ve lost that and ontop of not looking good enough for my husband I sometimes feel like he wishes I could be that woman again. It’s a journey to get back there, but in the meantime, not being wanted by my husband makes it harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I made a video of me touching myself like 4 years ago and I found out my husband is watching my old video of me instead of coming to the bedroom with me I dont know what hes doing but watching a video of me I feel like I failed as a wife and on top of that I just had 2 kids back to back so hes watching a old video when I looked better 🙁 last year I caught him watching pork without me we used to watch ut together as a couple but stopped and found out he was watvhing it without me it killed me now this ….help
Jennifer – Thank you for sharing. That sounds confusing and difficult to understand.
I know this must be hard…
Masturbation, sexual desire, and post-kids intimacy can be quite complicated. It sounds like there’s a lot going on that has impacted your intimacy with your partner.
In some ways, I wonder (and I may be wrong, it’s hard to know without talking to you and him), but here’s a thought.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t know how to approach sex with you. It also sounds like he is very attracted to you, but the fantasy and the real thing is hard for him to bridge (the fantasy of sex with you and the act of it). It also sounds like he might have some sexual fantasies and shame that he doesn’t know how to share. It also sounds like he’s distancing himself sexually from you (and that is the bigger issue – you two can’t talk about what is happening). Again, I could be wrong here because without talking to you and him I can only guess…but I can definitely tell this hurts a lot.
I hope the content here can help somehow. If you two ever wish to talk, I’ll be here of course. And if you’d like me to write any specific content to help you, let me know as well. Thank you for sharing.
My husband was very attracted to me and used to make love to me with his eyes before we would make love while we were dating.. We dated 3 or 4 years before we got married and did everything right. Right after we got married it all stopped. When we have tried been intimate the connection is not there anymore.. So we dont have sex anymore
Lanae – I am sorry to hear that your relationship changed so dramatically after getting married. This isn’t an uncommon occurence though. Quite often, couples find their relationship changes immensely after marriage. Unlike the fairytales we’re used to reading and seeing on screens – many couples find marriage changes things.
Quite often this happens because:
*Unwritten agreements about what marriage is and isn’t (hidden expectations)
*The realization that now you won’t date anyone else (less fantasy, and feelings of ‘walls closing in’)
*Lack of excitement, adventure and newness…
The fix for this can be found by:
*Doing novel things to together
*Talking about fantasies
*Creating big dreams and goals together
*Doing some marital counseling (that’s where I can help)
*Talk about how the relationship issues
*Create new narratives and fun stories about what marriage means
Hopefully, that helps you get some insight.
What I can say is this, getting this tough spot fixed sooner than later is possible. Your marriage can thrive again, your sex can be great again, and your husband can come out of that shell and you two can find connection again.
Everything is ok and good until it’s time for intercourse then he immediately looses his erection so why is he not interested in me at that time???
Nina – first let me say, I am sorry to hear that you’re having this problem in your relationship. Sex, arousal, turn-on, and passion are complicated topics. I know it feels disheartening that your partner loses his erection when it’s time for sex. Given the science on arousal, it could be a variety of things going on with your husband. Without knowing him and you a bit more, it’s hard to say exactly what the issue is – but I wouldn’t take this as a sign that your partner isn’t attracted to you. In fact, if things are good with kissing, touching, and other levels of intimacy, I’d venture your partner very much loves you, but something is going on psychologically and without talking to him I can’t say exactly what it is. Have you two sought out counseling for this?
My husband seems to be turned on ut i cant figure out of its because am starting it and he feels he need to act it or not.
I no he watchs porn which is fine that doesnt bother me.
He doesnt seem to get hard all the time or of he does when it comes down to having sex with me it goes , i try make out am not bothered by this invaze it makes it worse but its an awful feeling when u think his attracted to you but cant keep a hard on when it comes down to having sex ,
Like many of these women I feel very unattractive to my husband he flirts with other women and makes me feel second he never wants to look at me during sex and our sex life has really went down hill he barely wants to have sex with me but has no problem getting turned on by looking at another women
Like many of the women reading this article, I am traumatized from the effects of my husband’s porn addiction. He has preferred porn and masturbation the entire 36 years of marriage. I left him after the most recent “d-day”. I came back 5 months later, when he said he was working on it. I have been back 14 months and I don’t know if he is still sober, he says he is. My heart is broken because he literally cannot look at me in the genital area or touch me there. I know he doesn’t have a general disgust for vaginas because he has secretly masturbated probably tens of thousands of times to the vaginas he has seen in porn. I am not a prude in any sense. I love sex and wish I had received some touch along the way, but I took the crumbs when they came. He got HIS foreplay from me, and then we had sex without him touching or looking at me. A couple of days ago I decided I cannot take the hurt or rejection any more. It is traumatizing when he comes into the bathroom, I am showering and he will not look at my body. He never touches me unless I complain. I know he has a psychological problem with sex. People tell me I am attractive.I don’t think it’s me. I have decided I will give up on sex with him. He doesn’t like it anyway. And I won’t have to deal with the hurt of not being touched or looked at. I’m grieving for the loss of hope that I will ever have the sex life I would have liked. I plan to stay married and endure a sexless marriage. We do love eachother and have kids and grandkids. Whoever reads this, know that I understand your pain, sadness, and disappointment. I have been to the point of wanting to commit suicide in the past because of the hurt. I am hoping that by protecting myself from his disinterest in my body, I can survive and learn to be happy.
Karen – thank you for sharing this story with the community here. I am touched by your ability to share this publicly. I am also very sorry to hear this is happening (and has been happening) in your marriage. Without knowing your husband better, it’s hard to say exactly (what’s going on *but I can make some very educated guesses here*. It sounds like there is a disconnect with physical intimacy and sex. Your partner clearly wants something, doesn’t know how to talk about it, and not talking hurts you both. Also, there is a chance your partner is building an addiction to porn (not that viewing porn means someone is addicted, statistics tell us it’s very normal among healthy couples to view porn alone and together). The issue isn’t the porn though, it’s how he’s doing it and that you’re not connecting intimately. My guess, there are some communication breakdowns occurring. I know all of this is quite tough, and even very beautiful, loyal, wonderful men and women suffer like this in their relationship. It sounds like you two have something great, but this hurts immensely and you’d like to find a fix.
In my time sitting with many couples (close to 1,000 as of 2020), this is something I’ve heard before. It can be tough to dissect, find healing, and resolve. I know this is taking a toll on your relationship. Even if your husband isn’t clinically addicted to porn, what’s happening is hurting your connection. Please let me know if there’s anything I can to help you, or if there’s any kind of articles or videos you’d like me to make for this site. Thanks – Luis Congdon.
I wish people would stop claiming that porn is healthy. It is not healthy for a relationship and women continue to live with it in denial. It’s emotionally destructive and women are the victims. Erectile dysfunction is affecting men at younger ages than ever before and it’s NOT normal. It is the effects of pornography and the unrealistic bar the porn industry is setting.
I’ve created a useful interview with an expert on the dangers of porn. You may enjoy that interview. Here it is if you’d like to hear and read the accompanying article: https://lastingloveconnection.com/porn-addiction/
Thank you for your comment. And I agree, porn can be detrimental to a relationship (and I also know that if used consciously porn can be good for couples). In fact, in my recent interview with Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen Lakelly Hunt they talked about how they enjoy sex videos together (and it was Dr. helen (unprompted) who brought it up.
Anything can be an addiction and sadly many men are running to porn because they don’t know how to have intimacy with their partner.
Thank you for this comment. I have been living with someone who now because of his porn addiction, is now a totally different man. He treats me horrible and is verbally abusive. Loses jobs because of his porn use. Porn kills love. In regards to the doctor please check out fighthenewdrug
It explains through science what porn does to the brain. Originally doctors said smoking was fine
HEARD. THAT. I’m sick of living with “well I just wanted to see naked women.” Then don’t get married. I didn’t sign up for that. I signed up for a husband. Not someone who didn’t think I was good enough. If you tell me I’m so beautiful, but then you wait for me to leave to Look at chicks who have big fake boobs and are 20, sorry, dude, you don’t know what it is to be a man.
I have lived with a porn viewer and addict. Porn is destroying intimacy of relationships
I believe that porn for most changes one’s relationship to intimacy, sex, and connection. While some people can view it and be fine, many cannot use porn in a healthy way. It’s something about how our brain is wired, much like eating fast food changes our chemistry, porn can affect our intimacy (and many women who work with me report that they can tell the difference in their man when he is or isn’t viewing porn). Has your partner sought help for his porn addiction?
My story is so similar to Karen’s. Only, I haven’t left. I’m broken and defeated with no one whom I can share the reasons why. My husband of 33 years apologized for watching porn. But, he doesn’t think it is a big deal. All men do it. I wouldn’t have been so devastated, but he has adored and loved me for so long, Our sex life was always more than I could ever want. I never saw this coming. Now he expects me to forget about it. Like it was nothing. However, he no longer tells me he loves me. Never kisses me. Or hugs me. Sleeps so close to the edge of the bed, as if it would kill him if he touched me. He deletes his text messages, phone calls. Changed his passwords on all accounts. Ive been struggling with depression due to this for over a year now. He won’t let me talk about how I feel. When I do he gets defensive and angry and says he hasn’t ever done anything wrong and that I’m just selfish and ungrateful for all he’s done for me. I’m trying to forgive him. I do love him. I’m not going to leave him. I don’t believe he would ever leave me. I just need to figure out how to be at peace in my heart. I’m just growing so tired from feeling alone with nobody on my side.
Margaret –
Thank you for sharing. All that is very painful to experience. 33 years of marriage is a long time.
I hope you won’t mind my saying this:
The changing of passwords, distance in bed, lack of touch…his defensiveness are big red signs.
Your marriage is definitely experiencing a crises.
If he won’t listen to you or talk to you – I hope you find someone else to talk with. You’re welcome to schedule a complimentary session with me to see if I might be of assistance. Or try talking to a friend or even counselor at a nonprofit where the cost can be quite low.
Lack of touch. Distance while sleeping. Changed passwords…these are common indicators of cheating (not that he’s doing that, but I’d be remiss if I wasn’t sincere and point this out). Of course, signs don’t always mean thats what is happening. But even if he isn’t cheating, what matters is how you feel.
How important is it to you to talk to someone and change this?
If it really matters make some time to find someone like a trained coach or counselor to speak with.
My husband doesn’t invest in me neither he talks about our future plans nothing at all so I felt like he doesn’t love me anymore I confronted him by asking him if he is no more attached to me and he denied it that he still loves me .we argue all the time .during sex he takes he bath and sleep in the sitting room I just don’t understand him he totally changed .what should I do ,? I lost affection towards him and I want to leave this marriage am tired he is not caring neither loving .he doesn’t kiss me nor looking at me naked
That’s tough! To feel like our partner isn’t invested in creating something better with us, but somehow is just coasting and won’t work to make things better. I hear your pain on that and I know how much you’d like to connect with your partner. Have you considered asking your partner to do couple’s coaching with you? On my online marriage counseling pages I offer different programs, and before you ever invest or pay anything you can set up a free marriage consultation session so you can talk, try it out, and see if it would help with zero risk to you and your partner. Here is where you can schedule a consultation session if so wish: https://lastingloveconnection.com/contact/
My husband never touches or caresses me. Never compliments my appearance. I color & style my hair, have a mani-pedi done in the color he likes & still, nothing. I am 53, he’s 54. I am 5’7″ weigh 118lbs. & I’m far from “homely” looking. When he gets around full-figured women with large breasts, he gets all giddy & flirty. Btw, I am a modest 34B. This behavior is annoying & I feel it’s unfair to me. I feel it is outside the realm of acceptability to the sacred vows of marriage. He makes me feel so insignificant. I’m becoming very unhappy in our relationship. He does not return my affections & only cares about pleasing himself in the bedroom. There is no intimacy toward me. It’s like I’m undesirable because I’m not a “vuluptuous” woman. This is killing me. I’m at a loss of what to do. He gets angry if I want to discuss the issue.
You two either discuss the issue (with or without help) or it will continue to eat away at your marriage. I am here if you’d like help discussing this, and then support in making this conversation happen and work with your partner. I can tell though, this is something that matters to you and it’s important to discuss it with your husband.
I am in the same situation. I try and try and have been shut down and no response. He says he lost mojo when stopped Reddit. I waited until I was 39 to marry because of all the bullshit and yet I still get hurt. Why me why us????? If they wanted something younger then why marry s? I’m so beyond help
Hmmmm can I have ur wats app num
My husband likes when I preform sexual favors for him, but doesn’t seem to want full blown intercourse a lot anymore. Why????
Have you tried to ask him about this?
That’s where I’d recommend you start.
There could be many reasons. You’ll only find out by asking. Maybe he has performance anxiety, maybe he’s become very into sexual favors and not sex…maybe there’s something else. If there were a ‘cookie-cut-out’ response that worked every time, I’d tell you but there isn’t.
My husband has told me flat out that he is not attracted to me anymore. He doesn’t kiss, hug or even hold me intimately anymore. He doesn’t even start sex anymore. He wakes up in the mornings around 03:30, showers Leaves for work, he used to get home around 17:00, now for the past 2 weeks he has been getting home around 19:00. He keeps on telling me that it’s his work and because of his 2 promotions that he got 2 months ago. I’m always the one making the first move. When I do, do my hair nicely for him he doesn’t notice until I say something. He would of forgotten our 8th year wedding anniversary, if I didn’t say anything! He is not romantic anymore. I feel so hurt and worthless, useless as a wife and mother. I second guess myself all the time. He constantly tells he that he is not attracted and tells me to lose weight. He is not the same man, to when we started dating! He works all the time. I have to beg or tell him to stop working. Don’t know what to do anymore! I have asked him about this, but it always ends up in us fighting. I constantly have a feeling that there is someone else.
You’re pointing out a lot of red flags. Not just the sex, lack of intimacy, worry of betrayal, and the disconnection.
I usually say, ‘if you suspect there is someone else’ there usually is…I don’t want to feed that fire for you, but I do want to use to light a flame under your butt and get you to talk to a professional (I’m here, or there’s plenty of other people). I know your pain will only grow and fester and become more painful if you let it sit…Reach out to someone, alone or as a couple. If your partner won’t do coaching, that’s fine I do 1-1 sessions. I really want you to reach out to someone, me or someone else who knows how to coach and understands toxic patterns in marriages.
My husband has told me flat out that he is not attracted to me anymore. He doesn’t kiss, hug or even hold me intimately anymore. He doesn’t even start sex anymore. He wakes up in the mornings around 03:30, showers Leaves for work, he used to get home around 17:00, now for the past 2 weeks he has been getting home around 19:00. He keeps on telling me that it’s his work and because of his 2 promotions that he got 2 months ago. I’m always the one making the first move. When I do, do my hair nicely for him he doesn’t notice until I say something. He would of forgotten our 8th year wedding anniversary, if I didn’t say anything! He is not romantic anymore. I feel so hurt and worthless, useless as a wife and mother. I second guess myself all the time. He constantly tells he that he is not attracted and tells me to lose weight. He is not the same man, to when we started dating! He works all the time. I have to beg or tell him to stop working. Don’t know what to do anymore! I have asked him about this, but it always ends up in us fighting. He also constantly complains about how, what and where I spend money on. I constantly have a feeling that there is someone else.
You’re pointing out a lot of red flags. Not just the sex, lack of intimacy, worry of betrayal, and the disconnection.
I usually say, ‘if you suspect there is someone else’ there usually is…I don’t want to feed that fire for you, but I do want to use to light a flame under your butt and get you to talk to a professional (I’m here, or there’s plenty of other people). I know your pain will only grow and fester and become more painful if you let it sit…Reach out to someone, alone or as a couple. If your partner won’t do coaching, that’s fine I do 1-1 sessions. I really want you to reach out to someone, me or someone else who knows how to coach and understands toxic patterns in marriages.
My husband drags out fights. Stupid ones at that. He starts them and we have to wait for him to be ready to move on. Closure on his day and time he chooses. We haven’t slept together for 2 months. We are talking again but not sleeping in his bed that much. He chooses masturbation over having sex with me. He’s rejected my kisses or acts like I’m bothering him a lot of the time. It hurts because I put all the effort in and he makes none. I tell him my feelings and he couldn’t be bothered. All I get is sorry you feel that way. I feel rejected and unwanted. Very undesirable.
Take care of you and your mental.and emotional health. This is my advice to you. Coming from a girl that has had her heart destroyed as well. This type of treatment from someone you really love destroys us on every level. I promised myself that if things ever got this bad again we would take a 1 year break from each other. If he loved me he would prove it to me during this year apart. And who knows I might just not realize how much happier I would be without him..
I am going through something like this, he does not watch porn but no longer looks at me when I’m naked and he only has sex with me when I complain and it doesn’t feel like it use to emotionally. He is always downing me about one thing or another, saying I’m lazy or yelling about the smallest of things, like if I forget something. I am so hurt and sometimes just want to die.
I’m 31 and am in the same place as you. I’ve decided to give up on sex. It hurts so much more than it ever felt good. Has it made you feel better or worse?
Karen— so happy you posted this. I have been married for only 4 years and experiencing the same. He has never kissed me and we never had sex. I can’t help but feel like something’s wrong with me. It just hurts so much that he’d rather be intimate with himself instead of me. I don’t think I can be in a marriage like this anymore.
Every word you wrote is the exact way I feel. I’m 35, he’s 38 we’ve been married for 5 years. I am Crying and the feeling honestly as you seem to know, is indescribable pain. I am extremely attracted to him
And have a high sex drive which makes it even more hurtful. I depend on him financially and I’m a total wreck. He lied in the beginning amd i actually believed him. I thought he just didn’t have a sex drive. We fought over it so much.. our marriage was living hell the first 3 years. Slept in separate rooms, I was in consoling bc I was so mean to him
Due to lack of connection I was always disgusted w myself and the way I would treat him. Then… after al that I meant he’s been watching porn the whole time. He is so nice to me he’s a wonderful father, supportive and I know he loves me. He just doesn’t want to hurt me and he will do anything to sabe our marriage. He got viagra but I just feel this overwhelming feeling that things are off. Maybe it’s not just that’s he’s addocted to porn but he also just isn’t attracted to me before the porn. He slipped up once and said he didn’t have a porn problem before we got together. Everytimr I leave and he’s at the house alone I have a cloud of absolute disparity flood me. I’ve seen he’s looked up other women who are good looking on fb and to me… why ? I am always available and love him I even try to send him sexy pics and he acts so weird and dodges questions when I say something about of he wants to spice things up. I am not gross either I’ve always had guys lust over me. I don’t get it. I’ve turned into a really mean almost man like begger. God what I would do to turn the tables.
Sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time.
I am curious, have you two tried counseling/coaching? In situations like this – I find that the sexual attraction being off is due to something else (not just the physical). Since all things are connected, when the couple is struggling to talk, live their dreams, share deeply, or is challenged in some other way – the sex is off.
Some couples have come to saying their sex life was gone, they wanted it back. While their focus was there, the sessions helped us see that the couple had grown apart in some ways, that each partner hadn’t felt alive in life, or had something else that they didn’t connect to sexual attraction (but once they talked about it, shared, and discovered the other issues) they started to feel more alive in every area. Just like when we’re happy all things seem easier, our sex lives can be impacted by our lack of feeling connected, or alive in other areas.
If you would like to talk further, feel free to schedule a free marriage consultation for you and your partner together.
Is it any better?
This is exactly how I feel but it’s only been two months and he won’t have sex with me at all. Says I’m too pushy and that he feels uncomfortable around me all because I’ve asked a few times in the last week. But he’d rather hit on someone else and watch porn than even look at me.
You can’t live that way, you will end up terribly resentful and unhappy. Demand he gets help and if it doesn’t improve, leave! Life is too short to compromise on such a big issue.
Karen, your story could be mine. I have also given up on having sex in my marriage, as my husband is very much like yours. We set up guidelines on our computers that I know he follows, so porn is no longer in the house, but he tells me he has no interest in any sex at all or even viewing it. He’s 53 years old, I’m 46. I am coming to the realization it’s all his problem. He’s a very anxious person and our fights and breakups over sex make it something he avoids in al forms because it makes him upset. I’m starting to value our connection as friends and intimate partners( no sex though) enough to just live through it. Try getting a sex toy and maybe your husband’s vouyeristic tendencies will take over. I know it’s not the same, but maybe he’ll realize he needs to pay attention.
I am in the same situation. I try and try and have been shut down and no response. He says he lost mojo when stopped Reddit. I waited until I was 39 to marry because of all the bullshit and yet I still get hurt. Why me why us????? If they wanted something younger then why marry s? I’m so beyond help
Hi. I’m a 39 year old woman and i’ve been married with my husband for five years (and almost three before).
We had a baby four months ago, a baby that we wanted so much. A month ago i’ ve descovered that my husband was not only watching porn almost every day but he was actually paying to watch live naked women. I talked to him about it and said i cannot promise that i will not do it again, it’s something that i like and for me is like it completes me. As an excuse he first told me it was because i was pregnant and we didn’t do anything in order not to risk it, but on other times he told me because he was too stressed with work or that we didn’t have alot of sex or that my wife cannot be available all times. I’ m actually very stressed about this as i would never expected anything like this from him. I feel very angry, disappointed, i lost my trust, i feel i’m not good enough for him and that he is not sattisfied with our sex life. What would be the reasons for him to act like this now? I feel he is not respecting me at all.
All of these but maybe at most 5 to six have been happening the last month and it’s killing me. What do I do. I rather be dead than not be with him Or i would die if he died or, I would die if he left or cheated on me. How can I save my marriage and make my husband sexually attracted to me
Ummm ladies it really sounds like some if these are cheating husband.. Sorry but it does and husband or not you should never beg any man to love you want you or need you! You are worth more then he thinks and you are beautiful women! Take back your pride and self esteem and find a man who will appreciate you and what you offer.
Speaking from a woman with an emotionally distant husband….I would suggest an affair. I think about it every day now. I’ve given my life to this thing. Had four amazing kids, kept up my appearance even botox, etc…..He just seems unhappy and to me it’s his problem. If I met decent guy, I’d cheat in a heartbeat….if your husband is emotionally checked out, then eff it….live your life. You only have one chance to be happy. Do something scandalous.
My husband would rather masturbate into an old sock. Than try to even touch me anymore. It’s like living with a preteen. I’ve lost weight, changed my clothes, and he barely even hugs me anymore. I haven’t felt wanted in so long I don remember how it feels.