15 Reasons I Hate My Wife & What To Do

Many husbands have those moments when they think, “I hate my wife.” 

It could be a new feeling or something you’ve been thinking about. 

Whether this hate is new or old, let’s look at why these feelings of anger and hate happen. 

Perhaps you feel as though your wife hates you.

Maybe your wife withdraws from arguments and does not give any opening for resolution. Stonewalling can make you feel incredibly lonesome, physically and emotionally.

No matter what has made you feel you hate your wife, remember that you are normal, and these feelings are acceptable. Read on to see how you can tackle these feelings and get your relationship back on track.

Related Article: I Think My Husband Hates Me

1. You’re Under-Appreciated

Marriages thrive or sink because of how they feel. 

You’re likely feeling hate because you’re not appreciated enough. 

Maybe she puts you down, disrespects you, overlooks the good you contribute, or makes you feel like it’s never enough. 

In countless sessions, I’ve heard husbands lament that they don’t feel valued. But, unfortunately, the bar keeps getting pushed higher no matter what you do.  

As a husband, you need to know you’re appreciated. Men and women alike thrive in environments where they’re valued. Studies in the workplace, in schools, and in marriages have made this abundantly clear – spouses need to feel appreciated. 

If you feel your partner doesn’t see the good you contribute and bring, you and her will need a shift in this area. You two can make those hateful feelings evaporate with words of affirmation. 

What to do if I hate my wife because I don’t feel valued?

Work with your partner to improve your positive emotions. In our work, we call it adding three A’s. Appreciate. Affirm. Acknowledge. 

Your wife can bring the three A’s to the relationship by saying more positive statements, such as; 

• “I appreciate that you took care of the car.” 
• “What you do matters, thanks.” 
• “I know you took time and effort to do that.” 

As your relationship coach, I suggest you and her work on this together. When you bring more positive statements to the marriage, you’ll get more enjoyable emotions where hate doesn’t exist. 

2. Your Wife Is Defensive & Critical 

Do you feel like your wife doesn’t own her side of things? 

If the answer is yes, you’ve got a good answer for why you’re feeling hate. Wives that don’t take responsibility frequently breed anger in their husbands. 

Not being able to have your partner hear you, acknowledge you, and take responsibility can lead to many negative emotions. 

Defensiveness breeds contempt and eventually leads to the demise of marriages. 

Maybe you want her to hear how you’re upset about her spending habits, parenting techniques, or lack of intimacy. You want her to listen to you, but she doesn’t hear you. 

Enough of being ignored or not acknowledged, and you’ll start to think, “I really hate my wife.”

As Drs. John and Julie Gottman say in their book, What Makes Love Last: How To Build Trust And Avoid Betrayal

“Though you [or her] may consider a defensive response justified, it will not end the conflict. Instead, it will raise the tension level.” 

What if I hate being married to my wife because she’s critical? 

Both partners need to take responsibility. Issues are not created in a vacuum. Both you and your partner need to take ownership. Moreover, you both contribute to the problem.

You would likely feel better if you could say your side of things, and she could acknowledge that she plays a role in the issue. However, she and you need to own your parts. 

3. Your Wife Sees You Negatively 

It hurts when your wife mostly sees or talks about what is wrong with you. 

You can most likely admit you’re human and have faults, but you’re not all bad. 

These negative feelings come from the woman you love – it’s no wonder you’re resentful towards your partner. Of course, you’re feeling spiteful. 

Husbands whose wives speak negatively about the marriage usually feel downtrodden and heavy. When we’re not seen positively by someone we love, the good feelings of marriage dissipate. 

If you’re feeling like this, don’t let it linger. Instead, work with your wife to shift the imbalance of negative and positive. 

What’s the solution to the negativity? 

A great marriage requires positive emotions. Positive statements work like a dollar in the bank. Words of appreciation add to the love account. 

We can increase the good feelings by letting each other know how much we value each other and are thankful. 

Just like negative feelings can bring us down, good feelings shared can make us float. So to turn around those hate feelings, ask your wife to share things with you that she likes. 

4. Arguments Escalate Out Of Control 

Fights that get too hot and fiery breed hate. 

Maybe you hate your wife sometimes, or maybe you hate her a lot. 

Whatever the case may be, arguments are usually a big culprit. 

Maybe things are excellent when they’re good. But when they’re off, they are no Bueno. 

When arguments escalate, and she yells or verbally assaults you, you likely come to these places of hating her.

It makes sense, heated arguments where yelling and nasty words hijack your nerves. The stress hormone cortisol spikes, heart rates spike, and negative emotions like hate surface. Escalated fights damage marriages (research study on marital conflict and divorce prediction).

Or maybe she doesn’t yell but instead does the next worst thing – she shuts down and stonewalls. Shutting you is not good either because you feel neglected, dismissed, or like she doesn’t care. 

Yelling or shutting down both have the same common thread – profound disconnect and two distant partners. 

Don’t lose faith; there is a way to break this toxic marital problem. 

What if I’m starting to hate my wife because of repeated fights?

Before things spiral out, take a break. 

It’s hard to do, but that’s the solution to stopping damaging fights. 

Before she yells, maybe she can take a break. Or if she does yell, maybe she’d be open to hearing that it’s a sign you two need to take a pause. 

Just because you stop talking doesn’t mean you’ve failed, especially if it’s to help your nerves get calm again. Two worked-up people won’t find healthy solutions. 

If you’re hating your wife right now, it’s highly likely because you and her don’t pause before getting too heated. 

When you’re calm, talk about conflict resolution strategies you can use to halt conversations before they start to escalate. Then, create a clear path on what to do before it gets out of control. 

5. She Makes Decisions & Plans Without You 

A common frustration among upset husbands is this: 

“My wife makes choices without considering me.” 

Over time this leads husbands to feel frustrated, overlooked, and undervalued. 

If you’re wondering why you might hate your wife right now, ask yourself these questions: 

• Has your wife been making significant decisions without asking you? 
• Does she not let you make choices that are yours to make? 
• Is she not letting you participate with the kids how you’d like? 
• Has your partner been spending more than is ok for you? 
• Is your spouse talking about you to her family or friends in ways that aren’t ok with you? 

You’re likely upset that your wife is making unilateral decisions at the root of this hate feeling. If she is making choices that should involve you, you have a good reason to be upset. 

How do I get on the same page as my wife?

Get clear on the choices you want her to include you in—your input matters regarding finances, parenting, intimacy, and household chores. Of course, you can’t control her, but you have the right to want to make decisions as a team. 

Whatever is bothering you now, look and see if it’s because your wife makes choices without you. Next, list items where you want to be included, and when you’re calm, talk. 

6. Intimacy & Sex Are Missing Or Weaponized 

Many disgruntled spouses lament the lack of intimacy. 

Intimacy and sex are the first things to go out the window when there are issues. 

If you’re wondering, “why do I hate my wife?” maybe it’s because intimacy is lacking.

Maybe you don’t feel desirable to your wife and wonder if she’s no longer attracted to you.

Recently a husband told me in a session that it’s been years since he and his wife had sex. He didn’t say he hated her, but he felt resentful and angry that things hadn’t changed. For years he’s been asking to bring the intimacy, but she wasn’t willing to discuss the issue. 

When the physical and emotional intimacy stops, it can feel hopeless to continue working toward a happy marriage. It can feel like a sexless marriage will remain forever. However, there is hope for your marriage.

You can restore everything you are missing if you and your wife work together. Help your spouse realize how important they are in your life. Make time for her and connect with her in physical and emotional ways that do not necessarily lead to sex.

What to do if sex is withheld or weaponized? 

In another online marriage counseling session, a husband told me he only got sex if his wife wanted something. Her use of sex as a weapon was a culprit in their fights. What was an expression of love had turned into a manipulation tool. 

Now, maybe it’s not like that for you. Perhaps you just miss intimacy and physical contact. 

If you’re reading this and somehow relating a lack of sex and intimacy to why you’re feeling hatred – get help. Do it right away. Even if it’s not as bad as your wife using sex to control or manipulate, your frustration about sex matters. 

In short, intimacy issues are multi-layered. If you’re upset about a lack of intimacy, it’s a sign of deep root issues festering. Don’t let this issue spiral into more than what it is. Seek support. 

What to do if intimacy is missing?

Intimacy does not solely mean sex. Intimacy is any activity that can make you feel more connected. This activity can be reading books and discussing them together or sharing the good and bad parts of your day.

There are many intimacy exercises you can practice to reconnect and make the most of your time together. These can include specified unplugged times together each day or practicing the two-breath hug. Luckily, there are many ways you can connect with your spouse.

Next time you think, “I hate my wife,” find a way to reconnect with her. Connection is like a plant; it must be watered and cared for to grow. So, if it feels like you cannot connect the way you once could, keep trying.

Tell your wife you want to get the intimacy back. You’re tired of hating the circumstances. Invite her to do couples coaching with you. 

Acknowledge that this conversation isn’t something you can handle alone and get the necessary support. She’ll likely thank you for being considerate and thoughtful about this challenging topic. 

7. You Don’t Date & Lack Fun

When the fun-loving couple you used to be is gone, it gives space to be negative. 

If you dislike your wife right now, it could be that you feel as if she doesn’t want you anymore. She rejects your sexual advances, seems to ignore fun outings, and feels like she doesn’t like you. 

When a husband identifies with feelings of hate, contempt, and deep anger – lacking fun and play are usually missing. 

According to research, the healthiest couples regularly make time for play, dates, and fun. Having more good than bad is critical for a thriving marriage. 

Sometimes when partners have been in ruts, they begin to ignore each other. For example, in many sessions, spouses express a reluctance to spend time together. 

The fix to this doesn’t require hour-long conversations; sometimes, it’s simple to resolve. 

What if my relationship isn’t any fun?

Sometimes feeling hate or frustration with each other is caused by boredom. 

Often, couples stuck without fun believe the fix will require years of therapy or extensive long stressful conversations. Sometimes, those things are needed, but even then, here’s a simple thing many couples have found to shift the stagnation or pent-up negative feelings:

Make a plan to try something new, an activity you two have never done together. Researchers like Dr. Aron and Dr. Helen Fischer have found that when couples do new activities together, they fire those ‘in-love’ neurons. 

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. You can fall in love all over again. Try some new things together. You can take advantage of the proven science by exploring something novel together. Doing new things together makes couples feel closer. 

To help you take immediate action on planning some new dates, check out our list of date night ideas. 

8. She Cheated Or Betrayed You 

This one should be obvious, but I have to mention it. 

If your wife betrayed or cheated on you, this can lead you to, “I hate my wife.” 

When a spouse cheats, it’s not uncommon that you’ll swing from love to hate. It’s a massive yo-yo of closeness, fear, and distance. 

Cheated-on husbands don’t always leave, and divorce is not always the solution. If you were cheated on or betrayed, you aren’t abnormal to feel hate and love. It’s hard to swing like this, though. 

What to do if I hate my wife because of infidelity? 

Get support. Talk to an expert. Get on a path of infidelity recovery so you can find forgiveness and move forward together. 

9. She Refuses To Change

Feeling alone in making a great marriage is defeating. Not only that, it can cause you to feel angry and resentful. 

In countless sessions, I’ve heard spouses complain that they’re the only ones working on things. 

Going to therapy, hiring coaches, and introspectively looking at oneself to improve will deflate anyone if their partner can’t do the same. But, on the other hand, if your partner refuses to change and grow, there’s cause for alarm. Even worse, only one spouse is doing therapy or coaching to improve the marriage. 

As Ph.D. and marriage therapist, Susan Heitler cites in her book, From Conflict To Resolution, – only one partner doing the work leads to more conflict. Doing therapy or self-help on your own to improve the marriage only goes so far. 

What to do if my wife refuses to change?

If this is an issue in your marriage, suggest your partner read the book by Ph.D. Susan Heitler, or send her a link to this article. Marital satisfaction is best created when two people work together. 

There is an issue as long as you feel alone in the endeavor to make things better. It’s time for you two to find ways to feel mutually invested. 

10. Role Expectations & Division Of Chores  

Couples fight about three things more than anything else:

1. Sex and intimacy. 
2. Money. 
3. Division of chores, tasks, and who does what. 

If you’re feeling hate towards your wife, you’re likely upset about how the daily and yearly tasks are managed. The expectations of who does what and when are usually a cause for couples at odds with each other. 

Maybe you’re doing more tasks, and it feels unbalanced. Or perhaps, your partner expects many things of you just because you’re the man. 

The other possibility here is that maybe you want your wife to do certain things, and she’s unwilling. Perhaps you want her to share particular duties more often, and she won’t. 

When unspoken, our expectations become fodder for anger. Resentment in marriage follows, and so do those ‘hating’ feelings. 

How do we balance chores and expectations? 

Make a list of what you and your partner expect of each other. 

Get clear about what you expect. See if you can have an open-minded conversation and just get it out. The goal isn’t to demand. It’s just to help you see on paper what you two think should be done by who and when. 

We need to see the lay of the land and meet each other with curiosity. While the goal is to be open, many pitfalls can happen in this conversation. 

If you want extra support, check out our Save Your Marriage Workbook, it has many exercises to help guide talks about chores, intimacy, money, and other topics. 

11. She Uses The Kids Against You 

A nasty pain point for many couples is kids. 

Issues around kids can be things such as: 

1. She bad mouths you to the kids. 
2. Your wife controls how much time you spend with them. 
3. She says inappropriate adult stuff to the children. 
4. Your spouse talks down or belittles your kids. 
5. She doesn’t give them enough time, love, or affection. 

Many husbands who hate their wives will resonate with one of these points. However, the most common contributor to your hate feelings is likely the kids being used to control you. Or perhaps it’s having the children withheld from you. 

How do we align our parenting?  

Parenting issues are no simple fix. Instead, the solution will require some extraordinary measures from both you and your wife. Otherwise, your children are likely to suffer life-long consequences. 

Get support from a professional who specializes in families. A general therapist or coach usually won’t do the trick. You’ll do better with someone who understands family dynamics. 

As one of our specialties, we work with parents. We’re trained in the Gottman Method, Emotion Coaching for Children, and other focuses that can help you in this area. Feel free to book a complimentary couples consultation. 

12. She Won’t Talk, Avoids, Or Shuts You Out. 

There’s a nasty little rumor going around…

Men don’t like to or need to talk. 

That’s not true. 

Many frustrated husbands complain that they can’t talk to their wives. 

All suffering couples have been shown to have bad communication habits. Therefore, at the root of all marital issues, we find how couples talk to each other. 

Being ignored, shut out, or dismissed causes hurt. The silent treatment only breeds hate and animosity. 

As a spouse, you deserve to have a safe space to discuss things with your partner. 

What if I hate my wife because of how we communicate? 

Let your wife know you’d like to create new ways to talk. 

Ask her what she thinks it would take to open space for dialogue. Relationships need emotional safety. Ask her to listen, and give her that room too. 

In this video, I talk about resolving issues through emotional safety

13. She Prioritizes Friends, Family, And The Kids 

Many husbands feel like they’re less important than others. 

This point here tends to go hand-in-hand with not feeling appreciated. 

Further, when a partner seems to prioritize others over you, it’s an issue. 

If you’re having this issue, you’re not alone. 

Couples need to find ways to make each other feel important. When there are kids, work, and families – it’s all too easy to forget to set time aside for each other. 

What to do if I hate my wife because she makes me feel like I don’t matter? 

Ask your partner to set time aside for the marriage. 

With our busy lives and laundry lists of tasks, it can be hard to ask your wife for time. Yet, couples must get sufficient hours each week and month together. The alternative is a loveless marriage.  

If you want another idea besides asking for time – try setting up a romantic date night. Let her know you’ve bought tickets or reserved a table. Surprise and show her that you value time together by creating an event. In the Save Your Marriage Workbook, you’ll find a ton of fun and easy date night ideas. 

14. She is Always On Her Phone

I’m shocked by how many couples spend ‘time together on their phones. 

When I was a waiter, it always puzzled me to see couples on their phones throughout their ‘date night.’ 

Now, couples do the same thing at home and when they’re out. 

If you feel mad about her screen time, it’s time you spoke up. 

Many husbands have told me it makes them angry to see their wives wasting hours on the phone. But unfortunately, social media and online games have made it too easy to throw away hours in front of that tiny screen. 

What if I hate my wife because there is a screen between us? 

See if you can create ‘non-screen’ time together. 

Ask her to set aside some moments each day when no one is on their phone. Surprisingly, even Steve Jobs, the creator of Apple, had his family do this. 

Having fewer distractions can increase the quality time you spend together and improve your connection. It can be challenging, but you can be creative in making this time happen.

During those non-screen hours, you can try games like the Intimacy Game.

15. She Threatens Divorce & Gives Ultimatums 

As relationship author Dr. Stan Tatkin writes: 

“Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.” 

Unfortunately, when our partner threatens divorce, it takes away the security. 

If you think you hate your wife, it’s possible this feeling has been brought on by threats to end the marriage. Just like big fights damage the marriage, so make threats of divorce. 

Many husbands who feel deep levels of anger and even hate tend to have this issue with their spouses. For example, she gives ultimatums such as: 

“If you don’t do this or that, it’s over.” 

These kinds of messages suck the love and safety out of our bodies. A relationship that used to make us feel secure now gives us anxiety. Typically, a husband might request that his wife not make these kinds of threats and ultimatums. If left ignored, the relationship suffers. 

What if I despise my wife because of her ultimatums? 

You may have already asked your partner not to lash out and threaten to end things. 

If you have not, this is the first step we advise. 

A healthy and secure relationship requires that we know our partner is committed to us. When we said our vows, we did it to let each other know we’d be willing to ride the waves. If your partner gives big scary ultimatums, it can hurt some security in critical ways. 

In case you have asked your partner not to threaten divorce, our next suggestion is for you two to seek counsel. Get professional help now. 

Most importantly, couples who aren’t emotionally safe with each other won’t do well. So it’s time to get that extra support so you don’t keep hijacking each other. 

What to do if you think “I hate my wife”? 

Temporary bouts of hate are commonplace for many couples. 

If left unaddressed, ongoing hatred toward your spouse is one of the warning signs your marriage will end in divorce.

Hatred is not a weak emotion, so don’t let it fester. If possible, make time to talk to your partner about the issues. 

We know it’s normal to have brief moments of anger, resentment, or contempt. However, hate tends to be more severe and often signals other impending dangers to the marriage. 

If any of these signs of why you might hate your wife, take special note of them. See if you can set some time aside for you and your partner to talk. If you need extra support to help guide you in research-based approaches for healthy communication, take a look at our Save Your Marriage Workbook.