What are the situations and things that destroy a marriage?
No matter how many struggles and complications you and your partner face, it’s normal to have hiccups in a marriage.
In fact, it’s quite normal that what was small before becomes even bigger after the wedding.
A few unconscious mistakes, especially when carried out over long periods of time, can wreck things.
You can avoid going down those hurtful paths by learning what kills a marriage and avoiding these big and small pitfalls.
Table of Contents
Things that destroy a marriage and marriage advice to get back on track.
What Are Things That Destroy A Marriage?
Many people ask, ‘What is the #1 thing that destroys marriages?”
There are various harmful things husbands do to destroy marriage, and wives do to destroy marriage.
1. Threats of divorce destroy marriages
2. Problems that escalate out of control Â
3. Failed repairs, not healing old wounds
4. Lack of emotional connection
5. Missing fun, connection, and friendshipÂ
Now, let’s look at the common pitfalls that destroy a marriage and the solutions.
Marriage Destroyer #1: Threatening Divorce Destroys Marriages
Although I won’t ever say it….
…Sometimes, I see a couple who is headed straight to divorce. It’s the saddest part of my work to know a couple won’t make it.
When they’ve come a little too late.
…sometimes, it’s visible.
Yelling, screaming, defensiveness, and criticism. Years of toxic habits. Arguments that escalate out of control. Nerve-racking fights that end in divorce threats. Researchers refer to these signs as the “Horsemen of Apocalypse.”
I don’t say they’re doomed because I have faith. Despite the signs of divorce, your marriage can still transform. You can turn a corner.
Just like someone can go from obese and unhealthy to fit and strong — your relationship can shift from bloated with anger to being healthy with love.
You must do a few things to ensure you don’t destroy your marriage. That is how anybody gets well — stop eating certain foods, especially in excess.
Most importantly, you must avoid doing this so you don’t damage your marriage:
“Don’t threaten divorce”.
Like the first, “Marriage Killer,” angry words about divorce work like a loaded gun. If you threaten someone with a gun, you are threatening death. When a gun is drawn, nervous systems elevate. Hearts beat faster, and fight, flight, freeze, or fawn gets triggered.
This elevation and fear are not good for your marriage.
Further, these threats can lead to heightened anxiety and fear of splitting, which inevitably tears at the fibers that make relationships work – the feeling of being secure.
If you’re thinking, “My husband keeps threatening divorce”, or “My wife keeps threatening divorce,” it’s understandable to feel fearful or angry.
When your wife or husband constantly threatens divorce, it depletes the positive feelings and harms the safety essential to relationships, security, and longevity. Marriage is supposed to make you feel secure and safe. Threats of divorce take that away.
Things That Destroy A Marriage – Solution #1
Don’t threaten divorce.
If you do it, stop it.
This simple act can significantly protect your marriage. This will make you and your partner feel safe in the relationship.
If you’re thinking, “I do it because I mean it,” but you’re still in the relationship, don’t do the threatening thing. If you’ve said and are still together, dig a little deeper to see that you’re trying to say something about your hurt.
Conversations that mix in the threat of divorce don’t tend to go well. They usually result in a more hijacked fight or flight.
Not worrying about your partner walking out is critical to moving into the future together.
Feeling safe and protected from divorce helps you stay calm and engage more rationally.
Similarly, in other ways, sharing resources and dreams are challenging when you don’t know how long you two will be together. The threat of having the house burned down with divorce makes it harder to give and invest in the marriage.
Just like you wouldn’t put your money into an account that could blow up, you may struggle to put your energy into the marriage if you’re afraid of it ending.
Marriage Destroyer #2: Problems That Escalate Out Of Control (Fight, Flight, Or Freeze)
Fights are another one of the major things that destroy a marriage. When couples fight, they shut down, explode, and avoid each other.
Maybe you already know this – when you have fights, your nervous system gets hijacked, resulting in:
- Faster heart rates.
- Increased tension.
- Tighter and shallower breathing.
- Higher levels of stress hormones
Any couple who feels distant, angry, hurt, or upset can experience these symptoms The worst part is that when couples don’t recognize that they are worked up and escalate – things get worse. Words are said, names get called, and more pain gets added. The escalation that reaches hard to recover from places hurt your marriage.
Interestingly enough, with enough escalation, there is a corresponding fight, flight, or freeze response. This response shuts down parts of our nervous system, which then makes us more agitated, and likely to run or blow up, according to research by the Family Research Center.
Things That Destroy A Marriage – Solution #2
One of the keys to a successful marriage is stopping arguments before they escalate into fight or flight.
When things are heated, pause, take a break and return when you are calm again (Cleveland Clinic).
Our capacity to resolve conflicts is best done when we aren’t hijacked. Those fast-beating hearts, tense shoulders, and shallow breaths are counter-productive to problem-solving.
Taking breaks can do wonders.
Not only do you need to calm yourself, but calming your partner is also helpful. You can do this by requesting a pause or asking them to relax.
Tell them you can discuss the matter together when you are both calm. Managing escalation makes you feel safer and calmer, which is critical to emotional safety in marriage.
Related Article: Window of Tolerance Worksheet
Marriage Destroyer #3: Failed Repairs, Not Healing Old Wounds
Imagine I went around your house and made holes in your walls.
What would happen when those winter storms come? You would get cold, and the inside of your house would get wet.
Or what if the house was a boat, and I started slowly making hundreds of small holes. Over time, these tiny leaks would start to sink your ship. Similarly, your relationship will drown in problems when issues are not properly mended.
By having enough unrepaired leaks (old wounds), soon you’ll have so much piled up that it just gets harder and harder to enjoy each other. There’s too much escalation, resentment, contempt, and hurt.
Couples with chronic fighting habits and who don’t make up always look like partners drowning in pain.
Things That Destroy A Marriage – Solution #3
Fixing and repairing does not mean what you think.
Most people think repairing means things like:
- Never make that mistake again
- Apologize until you’re forgiven
- Admit you were completely wrong
Those aren’t really what repair is.
On a deeper level, mending wounds requires taking time to reconnect. Healing old wounds is more profound than apologizing or taking all the blame.
How to reduce fights and eliminate repetitive arguments
When you hurt your partner or they hurt you, it’s crucial to:
- Be willing to re-visit relational breakdowns (prioritize this)
- Create emotional safety for communication (Use the LOVE Method For Perfect Listening)
- Regularly make positive love deposits (compliments, appreciations, gentle touches, sharing gratitude).
Related Article: How To End Relationship Arguments
If you are willing to revisit flare-ups soon after they happen – you’ll reduce resentments. By listening and empathizing, you’ll communicate to your partner that you care. Lastly, when you compliment and appreciate – you make each other feel better.
Good feelings are like bank deposits in your love tanks. The safer you two will feel when you reduce bad feelings and create more positive ones. By increasing the good, you’ll also get a buffer that allows you to ride the hard times more easily. Researchers call this positive-sentiment override (you can click that link to read more about this incredible phenomenon).
To add more good feelings, try this:
- Give one appreciation today.
- Extend a hand and hug your partner.
Those little steps go a long way.
If you’d like more insight into things that destroy marriage, check out the Save Your Marriage Training (it’s completely free). And if you want deeper support, you can read about the hands-on Couples Communication Program.
Marriage Destroyer #4: Lack Of Emotional Connection
If you’re wondering, “What is most damaging to a marriage?”, lack of emotional intimacy is at the top of the list. An emotional intimate relationship is one where you can sit with your partner and share anything with them. Unconsciously, you both believe that you and your spouse have empathy for one another.
These emotional bonds are typically a result of security and trust in the relationship, as you know that you can count on your spouse, and they will be there for you in any circumstance. This strengthens your bond and keeps you together forever.
The sad reality is that many people don’t realize that they are not regularly connecting with their spouse emotionally. As a result, the thing that keeps them together weakens, leading to failed marriages and divorce.
Things That Destroy A Marriage – Solution #4
Building emotional intimacy with your spouse doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, no matter where you’re at, small, incremental changes will get you there.
Here’s one thing you can do to save your marriage today:
Make an effort to take out some time for your partner from your busy schedule.
Taking a little time together is the best gift we can give. Setting time aside to check in, touch, and be present with your partner is the best action you can take. Scheduling that time helps ensure it happens. As they say, what you schedule happens.
Keep your connection fresh with relationship check-in questions.
Marriage Destroyer #5: Missing Fun, Connection, & Friendship
Many couples complain that they had fun at the beginning of their marriage. However, they don’t feel like friends after a few years.
Problems in marriages can eliminate the fun, connection, and friendship between you and your partner. Missing your friendship attacks the foundation of a healthy marriage.
Not having that connection leads to other relationship problems, like unwanted water to a sinking ship.
Relationships, like good savings accounts, require an investment. A lack of healthy time together ruins the partnership.
Things That Destroy A Marriage – Solution #5
If you are willing to build connections, you need to turn small moments into valuable experiences. Make your anniversary or your spouse’s birthday one of the best days of their life. Or simply celebrate their achievement or success.
Related Article: Marriage Intimacy Exercises
Start showing genuine interest in your partner. In other words, scheduling time together is one you can communicate to your partner these few things such as; you care, value them, and want to be together.
Save Your Marriage
Conflict in marriage is natural. Slipping up happens. Most importantly, when you mess up, do your best to repair. Taking time to heal old wounds, not threatening divorce, and creating moments of connection will keep you together.
Get the Save Your Marriage Course
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