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“I have no sex drive, and my husband is mad. What do I do? Why is my sex drive low?”
One sobbing wife inquired in a recent online marriage counseling session.
Significant issues and resentments can arise when one partner wants sex, and the other doesn’t. Maybe you just don’t feel turned on. Meanwhile, your partner feels pent up and rejected.
A lack of physical connection can cause many issues. In fact, studies are clear – sex and money create the bulk of marital conflicts.
Feeling this way is more common than you think. But there is hope. You and your husband can connect in a way that feels good to both of you.
While no research definitively says – that having sex often makes you the happiest couple, finding a rhythm that works for you and your husband is important. Couples who find sexual balance report higher levels of connection and positive emotions.
It’s not about ‘how often you do it.’ But instead, it’s about how you and your partner communicate and find a happy meeting ground.
Are you saying to yourself, “I have no sex drive, and my husband is mad? I want to find a solution.” If you have lost your sex drive and it’s making your husband upset about lack of intimacy, this article will help you navigate these rocky waters.
Table of Contents
Can a Relationship Survive Without Sex?
The likeliness of your relationship lasting without sex depends on your priorities, the reason for the lack of sex, and the needs of your relationship.
If one partner needs sex more than the other, but both partners are committed to making the relationship work, then yes, a relationship can survive without sex.
Sex therapist Dr. David Schnarch writes in his book, Intimacy & Desire:
“The partner with lower desire has the most control.”
Or said another way – when you are a partner with low desire, it may feel like you control sex to your husband. That sense of control can cause resentment.
But, it’s probably not about control if you don’t have a sex drive. Most likely, there is something deeper going on for you.
Is Sex Important In A Relationship?
For some couples, sex is a large part of the relationship. As a result, a sexless marriage can create problems — especially if one partner wants sex more than the other does and you can’t find a happy meeting ground.
However, intimacy and connection are more important than sex.
Suppose there’s no emotional connection or emotional intimacy between partners, but the husband just wants sex. I often find this to be the case in my work with couples.
If you’re thinking, ‘my husband gets mad when I say no to sex,’ it’s likely he’s not slowing down enough to connect with you. So he stays mad, doesn’t get sex, and the wife doesn’t get the understanding she needs to be connected and turned on.
What Do You Do When Your Partner Has A High Sex Drive, And You Don’t?
If your partner has a higher sex drive, you may need more time for non-sexual connection. It’s common for one person to have a higher sex drive than their partner. Low and high desires become an issue when a couple can’t connect, find understanding, and lack the skills to have productive conversations.
If a couple cannot create emotional understanding (or as Dr. John and Julie Gottman called it, attunement) then it’s likely one or both partners will be less interested in having sex.
Whether you’re having trouble communicating with your partner about sex, or you’re just not inspired by the idea of a romp in the sheets, there are plenty of reasons why you might not want to have sex.
In our work with couples, we break down lack of desire into three categories:
- Medical and physical difficulties (hormones, dryness, aging, etc.). Consult your medical or naturopathic doctor and get a check-up.
- Lack of physical stimulation. An element of the physical is missing, such as proper arousal and stimulation.
- Emotions and feelings are missing. This is usually the most common issue – couples have too many pent-up negative emotions, can’t touch with connection, and lack enough positive emotions to connect.
If you and your partner are at odds about how often you should be doing it, it can cause friction in your relationship. And if you’re feeling pressured into having more sex than is comfortable, you might feel frustrated and resentful toward your partner.
It would help if you made time to talk, connect, and get to know each other.
Talking about sex can be a challenging topic to bring up. But having effective marriage communication about sex is critical for any couple who wants a healthy relationship.
Related Article: I Have No Sex Drive And It’s Ruining My Relationship
How To View A High Sex Drive
Your husband’s sex drive may have you feeling insecure. But a high sex drive doesn’t automatically mean he will cheat on you or look elsewhere for satisfaction.
The fact that he wants to have sex with you more often than you does not mean that you’re failing or have to do things you don’t want to. His sex drive doesn’t mean you have to give in and not honor your sexual desire or rhythm.
How Do You Deal With a Lack of Sex in a Marriage?
It sounds cliché, but communication is key! Talk about what your partner needs from you (and vice versa). If you’re feeling neglected or rejected, then it’s best if both you and your husband to talk. Discuss your needs openly and honestly so you can work together to create a mutually satisfying sexual experience.
If one person is not getting what they want, chances are neither person will be happy in their marriage. So if you think that a lack of sex is making your marriage crumble, communication is the first step to saving your marriage.
How Important is Sex in a Relationship?
Sex is a big part of our lives, yet many don’t discuss it with our partners. We’re ashamed to say how often we want sex or afraid that our partner will think we want it too much. We’re embarrassed if we aren’t getting enough and worry that expressing interest will make us look needy or desperate. Sexual intimacy can be essential for couples to connect physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There’s nothing more intimate than lying naked next to someone else who also feels safe enough to be naked and vulnerable in front of you.
Also, sex can be a great way to release stress and feel good about yourself. It can lower blood pressure and boost immunity. But if you’re not having sex regularly, it can also lead to sexual dysfunction and even depression. In fact, one study found that people who had sex regularly were less likely to suffer from depression than those who had sex less frequently.
What Causes Low Sex Drive in Wife?
Sex drive is a complex issue. It is determined by many factors, including hormones, brain chemicals, and emotions. Low sex drive can be caused by physical health problems, psychological problems, low libido, relationship issues, or the effects of medications.
Why Wives Don’t Want to Have Sex and What to Do?
“I have no sex drive and my husband is mad.” There could be many reasons you’re struggling with not wanting to have sex.
1. Hormonal Imbalance
Hormones can play a big part in sex drive, especially if you’ve recently given birth or going through menopause.
Hormonal changes can harm your sex life, including reducing your libido. You can check in with a medical or naturopathic doctor about your hormones and how even foods and supplements can support.
2. Depression
Depression may lead to low sexual desire in women. In some cases, depression is accompanied by stress, low self-esteem, or anxiety, which may lead to a lower libido.
If depression is lowering your sex drive, prioritize your mental health. Self-care is not only essential for your happiness but the happiness of your marriage.
3. Lack of Foreplay
Women need time for arousal before intercourse. Without foreplay, you may not be physically or mentally ready for intercourse. This can lead to sexual frustration and disappointment for both partners as well as affect their sexual relationship long-term.
Further, if your husband struggles with erectile dysfunction, foreplay is critical to having your sexual needs met.
Slow down. Take more time for enjoyment. You and your husband don’t have to be sexually frustrated when you take time for foreplay. Instead, boost the foreplay and explore new intimacy ideas.
4. Lack of Emotional Connection
Emotional connection is an essential part of most women’s turn-on. If you and your spouse lack emotional intimacy, feeling physically open is challenging.
Prioritize reconnecting with your spouse. Start with scheduling date nights and making time to have fun together.
5. Not Feeling Safe
How emotionally safe you feel affects your ability to connect with your husband.
If you and your spouse are not getting along, you feel emotionally neglected, there is passive-aggressive behavior, or you don’t have honest communication, you may be outside your window of tolerance.
The window of tolerance is where you feel safe and can connect. But, if triggered, your nervous system can get hijacked by emotion and impede your connection. And why would you want to have sex when you don’t feel connected?
Talk with your husband about what you need to increase your sense of safety in your relationship.
Maybe they’ve hurt you, and you are struggling to move forward. Or maybe he responds defensively when you share your feelings or concerns.
Or your husband may make you feel worthless with his words or actions.
Lying and infidelity can also lead to not feeling safe.
6. Not Feeling Sexy
If you don’t feel sexy, it’s tough to want to have sex. Maybe you’re not feeling good about your body? Perhaps your husband doesn’t seem attracted to you?
Related Article: How to Make My Husband Attracted to Me
How To Be More Sexually Intimate With Your Husband
Sex is essential to any relationship and can be a source of connection and intimacy. If you’re struggling with a lack of sex in your marriage, be open about your needs and feelings.
Through open and honest dialogue, your husband can discover what you both need for deeper intimacy.
For example, you might need more affectionate touch without the goal of sex.
If you have questions or concerns about dealing with your lack of sex and how it’s affecting your marriage, speak with a marriage counselor for advice. They can also lead through intimacy exercises to help you grow closer.
If you’re looking to infuse more passion and excitement into your marriage, join the Intimacy Workshop.
The truth is people are selfish. Being averse to pleasure with someone you married is a choice.
Marriage doesn’t fail over sex, it fails over selfish behavior. Lack of sex is just a symptom of the selfish behavior.
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