Emotional Cheating | What Is Emotional Infidelity & How To Heal

Maybe you have heard of the term emotional cheating and wondered exactly what it means.

In this article, you will learn what emotional cheating is, the signs of an emotional affair, and how to fix your broken relationship.

What is emotional cheating?

Emotional cheating happens when you establish a deep emotional bond with someone other than your partner.

While physical affairs involve sexual interactions, emotional cheating often doesn’t have the element of physical intimacy.

‘Micro-cheating’ is also a term used to describe inappropriate nonsexual intimacy outside your relationship.

Though micro-cheating does not involve what we typically think of as infidelity (kissing or having sex with someone else), it can be just as destructive to your relationship.

What does emotional cheating look like?

Emotional cheating can be more difficult to define than physical cheating.

Many people have different opinions about what’s considered emotional cheating.

Emotional cheating can take many forms.

Examples of emotional cheating may look like:

• Being secretive about the depth of your connection or interactions with another person.
• Seeking emotional support, comfort, and validation from someone other than your partner.
• Sharing your concerns about your primary relationship with the outside person instead of addressing them with your partner.
• Sending inappropriate messages (like sexting or expressing romantic feelings).
• Investing significant time and mental energy into another connection in a way that detracts from your primary relationship.

The difference between emotional affairs and close friendships

You might be wondering, what is the line between a close friendship and an emotional affair?

Often, in a close friendship, there is a healthy and deep emotional connection. Some friendships might even include non-sexual cuddling, hugging, or holding hands.

Affection in a friendship can be incredibly beneficial.

However, since cheating means different things to different people, it is essential that both partners discuss their own definitions of infidelity and set clear boundaries.

Healthy friendships enhance your primary relationship, while an emotional affair undermines it.

Having supportive friendships outside of your partnership is essential and healthy.

Turning to friends for support takes some of the pressure off your relationship to fulfill all of your needs.

However, a connection with a friend should enhance your life and romantic relationship, not threaten it.

An emotional affair involves giving a significant amount of time and energy to another person, and it takes away from your connection with your primary partner.

One key difference between a close friendship and emotional cheating is if you feel the need to hide the extent of your emotional investment.

For example, you may be secretive about the nature of your conversations or emotional attachment to your friend.

Or you may find that as you invest in this other relationship, more space grows between you and your spouse.

Additionally, an emotionally intimate relationship that goes beyond friendship is often characterized by flirting and sexual tension.

Even if there is never any physical contact, your interactions with your friend are fueled by erotic energy and sexual attraction.

Other signs of emotional cheating

Additionally, emotional cheating examples include:

• Talking to this person more often than your partner or turning to them first.
• Hiding text messages, calls, or social media exchanges with this person.
• Deciding not to tell your spouse about this person or downplaying how close you are.
• Going to someone else to vent frustrations about your marriage instead of addressing them directly with your spouse.
• Pulling away from your partner as you grow closer to someone else.

How do you know if you’re being emotionally cheated on?

If your partner is having an affair, you might not be able to pinpoint exactly what is happening, though you feel like something is clearly off in the relationship.

Your spouse may seem distant or less interested in physical or emotional intimacy.

Your partner may be having an emotional affair if they

• Repeatedly lie about how much they talk to or hang out with another person.
• Prevent you from seeing messages on your phone or computer.
• Tell another person things they don’t tell you.
• Show less interest in sex.
• Seem less engaged or preoccupied when spending time together.
• No longer talk to you about their intimate thoughts, needs, or concerns about your marriage.
• Minimize or respond defensively to any concerns you have about their relationship with the outside person (For example, they may insist – ‘Nothing has happened! We’re just friends.’)

While a lack of intimacy in your marriage does not necessarily mean they are being unfaithful, listen to your gut.

If you feel like something is off in your marriage or relationship – it probably is.

What causes someone to emotionally cheat?

Emotional cheating typically happens because of unmet emotional needs within an individual or the relationship.

For example, you may feel like you can’t express yourself to your partner without criticism or judgment.

As a result, you may feel unheard and unfulfilled in the relationship.

Additionally, past wounds or trauma bonds can make it difficult for you to be vulnerable with romantic partners.

Deep-rooted fears of abandonment or trust issues may prevent you from expressing your emotions, needs, and desires with your partner. 

Therefore, you might seek out another way to feel heard and seen.

Other factors can drive someone to engage in an emotional affair, such as a lack of physical or emotional intimacy in your primary relationship, significant life transitions, or unclear boundaries.

Often, emotional cheating does not happen consciously.

You may unintentionally cross boundaries until you find yourself in an emotional affair without intending to.

What are the consequences of emotional cheating in a relationship?

Some people believe that since emotional affairs don’t involve sexual encounters, they are more harmless.

This couldn’t be farther from the truth.

An emotional affair can be devastating to all people involved.

Establishing a deep emotional connection with someone other than your partner can be just as damaging to your relationship as physical affairs.

Whether something physical happened or there was a deep emotional investment in someone else, cheating erodes trust in relationships.

Once an emotional affair comes to light, it can evoke feelings of betrayal, anger, jealousy, and resentment.

The person who has been hurt by their partner may no longer feel safe or secure with the other partner.

Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships.

If trust cannot be repaired, it’s one of the possible signs your marriage will end in divorce.

What to do when your partner is emotionally cheating?

If you notice signs that your partner may be emotionally cheating, talk to them about it.

Calmly express your concerns about the specific behavior you are noticing.

For example, you might say, ‘I feel hurt when you’re constantly texting whenever we’re together’’ or ‘I feel distant since you haven’t been sharing your feelings with me recently.’

Asking questions about the affair helps you to identify what may be missing in your relationship and how to address these issues.

If you’re having difficulty having these conversations, seek the support of a couples coach. A trained professional will help you to navigate relationship issues and determine how to move forward.

How to heal after experiencing emotional infidelity in a relationship?

Recovering after infidelity is difficult, but it is possible.

First, engage in an honest conversation about what happened.

Discuss what happened

Talk about what led up to the emotional affair and why it happened.

Take turns sharing how it affected you and the feelings you’re still working through. 

It is understandable for the partner who has been cheated on to feel angry, hurt, or betrayed.

Instead of offering justifications or minimizing what happened, listen attentively and validate their feelings. 

Take responsibility for hurting your partner and offer a sincere apology.

Related Reading: Affair Recovery & When You Hurt Someone You Love Here’s What To Do

Determine what you need now

Next, discuss what needs to change and determine a course of action.

What boundaries need to be put in place to re-establish emotional safety in the relationship?

For example, maybe you agree to limit alone time with people of the opposite sex.

Focus on renewing your sense of friendship and connection with your spouse. 

Maybe that looks like carving out time to go on walks together or planning a regular date night.

Making an effort to spend time together reaffirms your commitment to your partner.

Related Reading: How To Repair After One Of You Cheated

Allow time to heal

If you’re wondering how to get over emotional cheating, remember that healing takes time.

Trust is not rebuilt overnight.

Allow you and your partner the time and space to move through whatever feelings you need to.

Healing after a betrayal is not a linear process.

One day it may seem like things are moving in the right direction, and the next day, you or your partner may be overwhelmed with sadness, anger, or resentment.

As you recover from an affair, lean into the support of friends and family members.

Additionally, consider trying family therapy or couples counseling.

A couples coach will help you navigate the complex emotions accompanying betrayal and rebuild intimacy in your relationship.

How to prevent an emotional affair

You and your partner can take steps to prevent an emotional affair. It starts with effective communication with your partner about what cheating looks like to each of you and what counts as emotional cheating.

Sit down together and make individual lists of behaviors you are comfortable with and uncomfortable with.

Then, talk through your lists and discuss any areas of disagreement. Work together to come to a mutual understanding.

Set clear boundaries around what you and your partner are okay and not okay with as it relates to emotional connections with others.

By having this discussion, you and your partner are on the same page about what is considered cheating and how to navigate situations like friendship with members of the opposite sex.

Check-in with your partner to deepen emotional intimacy

Another way to prevent an emotional affair is to ensure you regularly check in with your partner and that their needs are being met.

Carve out the time to sit down with your spouse and talk about your relationship, what is going well, and any challenges you are having.

Ask them what you could do differently to support them better.

Regular relationship check-ins help you to address issues promptly before they build up and the distance between you grows.

With the Save Your Marriage Course & Workbook, we support you in strengthening your relationship and improving communication.

Also, in the course, you’ll build intimacy so you can better meet each other’s needs and have the best possible partnership.

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