When you're searching for things like 'signs my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore?' We know your marriage is missing that fire.
While this article outlines the signs that your husband has lost interest in you, please note that no one sign alone makes it certain he doesn't find you attractive.
If you’re Googling “signs my husband isn’t attracted to me,” it usually means you’re already feeling rejected, unwanted, or unsure where you stand.
We help couples understand what’s actually driving attraction loss — and what brings it back.
Book a free couples consult to get clarity on what’s happening and your next step.
Table of Contents
Why does my husband not seem interested in me sexually?
Passion can fluctuate for many reasons. Over time, though, if this mismatch between you continues, it will cause many hurt feelings.
Read this article and then address your concerns with your husband directly.
Ask him to talk
Gently ask him to set time aside to talk. And then you can say something like this:
"I've noticed our intimacy has gone way down. I am missing the passion, fire burning, and sex we used to have. I am starting to wonder if you're not attracted to me anymore. Maybe that's not how you feel, but I want us to talk about it."
If he gets defensive
He may get defensive or shut down. That's okay, though. He might feel uncomfortable. You can reassure him with words like this:
"I am not accusing you of anything. It would just be nice to talk. I am feeling insecure and not attractive."
Allow him space to share
Now it's time to listen. Let him open up.
Even healthy couples experience a shift in sexual desire after marriage and throughout their time together.
Relationship chemistry is complicated and can fluctuate, but the relationship goes next when you stop being like best friends.
It hurts your self-esteem when you no longer feel attractive or wanted.
If you're concerned your husband no longer finds you attractive, it's time to consider couples therapy.
To address the more serious issues, you'll need to re-focus on building skills as a couple
Does lack of attraction always mean the marriage is over?
Many couples assume attraction is gone when sex drops, touch disappears, or emotional distance grows.
In reality, attraction often fades because of unresolved conflict, emotional disconnection, stress, or resentment — not because love or desire is gone forever.
Attraction in long-term marriages is created and maintained, not automatic.
When couples learn how to rebuild emotional safety, closeness, and presence, attraction often returns naturally — without forcing sex or trying to “perform” differently.
A couples consult can help you understand whether attraction has faded — or whether it’s buried under something else.
24 Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me
Let's look at some of the most common signs your husband is not attracted to you anymore.
1. He doesn't touch you
Romance needs cultivation.
Touch is the primary way many women feel their husband's attraction.
If he has been absent-minded or emotionally absent, it's likely he hasn't given you the touch you need.
Once simple touching and kissing disappear, most couples conclude that he's no longer sexually attracted.
From there, it's normal that the sexual encounters stop or become so reduced that it hurts our mental health.
To address this problem, we suggest you talk about non-sexual touch. Most of us need it.
Ways to talk about wanting non-sexual touch
"I need to be touched more often. Would you be open to holding me more often, kissing me when you get home, or hugging me at night?"
A straight and clear request for more physical connection can help him meet your needs.
This sign alone does not mean your husband sees you as not being physically attractive.
Try making a clear request for the touch and affection that you need.
Many men, myself included, do not know what their wife needs unless we are asked directly.
Don't put talking to him about how you want to be kissed or touched on the back burner.
If you make it a point to talk and it doesn't help, we suggest you consider couples therapy.
In many cases, the loss of physical intimacy in marriages isn't clear-cut, and there are other aspects of intimacy to explore.
The Intimacy Workshop gives you the tools to address the root causes of why you have lost attraction.
2. He barely tries to have sex with you, and your sex life is suffering
Do you often think, 'My husband doesn’t seem interested in me sexually any more?'
Is your sex life suffering?
Do you long to feel loved and wanted?
When people first meet, the hormones go wild.
However, no couple can ever sustain the initial spark of infatuation.
As time goes on, most couples find their rhythm.
It may be daily, twice a week, once a week, or once a month.
Only you know what’s normal and healthy in your long-term relationship.
But, when your partner starts being very different from that regular pattern of sexual interaction, it’s a sign that something is off.
If your partner is barely initiating sex, and it’s unusual, this is a clear sign that something is amiss.
For example, it could be he’s stressed, you two fight a lot, the communication is off, or he’s not attracted to you anymore.
If you’re looking to re-spark the romance and feel closer to your partner, join the Intimacy Workshop.
3. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He’d often rather masturbate and rarely has sex with you
Does it seem like, 'my husband prefers his hand over me?'
Many married men masturbate.
As a man and relationship researcher who's sat with thousands of couples, I can tell you most men masturbate.
Some research and polls have found that 85% of married men masturbate.
The most important thing isn't whether your husband masturbates.
It’s how often he’d rather masturbate than have sex with you.
It's how connected or disconnected you two feel.
Why does my husband prefer his hand over me?
If your husband consistently prefers masturbating or pornography over sexual intimacy with you, something is amiss in the bedroom.
This could signify something is wrong, but it doesn’t mean your husband finds you unattractive.
Before you assume he’s watching porn or masturbating because he’s lost attraction to you, ask yourself:
- Does he have issues performing?
- Has he had problems with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation?
- Has he ever been insecure in the bedroom?
- Does he have a history of being sexually repressed?
If this is an issue you recognize in your relationship, it will serve your relationship to have an open discussion about masturbation and your sex life. There's no other way around this topic.
In our experience, though, most women on this page have already tried to talk to their husbands about masturbation or porn use.
If you've already talked, our best advice is to call. You need support.
Schedule a complimentary couples consultation with us.
You can get to the root of problems plaguing your marriage with professional guidance.
4. He rejects your sexual advances
No two people will ever sync up sexually 100% of the time.
Sometimes, he’ll want sex, or you’ll want it, and it won’t happen. That happens.
If you’ve started to notice he regularly rejects or turns down your sexual advances, it could be a sign he doesn’t want you sexually for some reason.
It doesn’t mean he’s not feeling attracted to you, but it could be.
You’ll only know by talking. A conversation can help clear things up.
You can start a dialogue with your partner with a simple statement like:
“Hey, I’ve noticed that lately, when I come towards you sexually, you turn me down (or find an excuse for why it can’t happen). It’s been kind of frequent. I’m curious. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
Then listen. See what your husband says.
Then, respond and work together to unearth what’s going on.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “There are too many signs my husband isn’t attracted to me,” you don’t have to figure this out alone.
Many couples feel stuck in uncertainty — not knowing whether to try harder, pull away, or protect themselves.
Book a complimentary couples consult to understand what’s happening beneath the surface.
5. He can’t get it up anymore
A man’s penis is strongly connected to his sight.
What he sees helps his arousal.
When a man can’t get it up for his woman, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in her. But it could mean he’s not attracted to her.
To better assess the situation, it’s a good idea for your partner to seek professional advice from a doctor or counselor to address issues regarding his arousal.
The issue could be mental, hormonal, or he isn’t attracted to you.
Don’t jump the gun and make it mean what it doesn’t.
Instead, talk to him about the issue in a matter-of-fact way.
He may feel shame, so be kind and tell him you’d like to talk to him about his arousal.
Start a conversation about what’s happening and go from there.
Related Reading: I Have No Sex Drive
6. He shuts down after sex
It’s a common stereotype that after sex, men distance themselves and roll over like beached whales.
If that’s a normal thing in your relationship or it’s new – it’s likely something that would be good to address.
It may not mean your husband is not attracted to you, but it could signal something about intimacy avoidance.
Sometimes, men who aren’t attracted to their wives will continue to have sex with them. But afterward, they want to run.
If this happens in your relationship, it could be a sign that he’s not attracted to you or a sign of something else.
Maybe the intimacy and connection are fractured somehow?
Maybe your husband feels ashamed sexually?
Tell your partner you’ve noticed he’s shut down after sex and are curious about what it means. Then listen.
Related Reading: My Husband Wants Sex But Not Intimacy
7. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He suggests you lose weight
When a man wishes his wife would lose weight, he knows he can’t say anything.
Men know that if they directly tell a woman to lose weight, it’ll cause problems or destroy their wife’s self-esteem.
Your husband suggesting you lose weight isn’t a sign that he’s not attracted to you.
In many healthy marriages, it's common for both people to want to lose weight.
I talk to husbands and wives daily, complaining about their weight or partner's size.
Many of us have all kinds of feelings about our own body and each other's appearance.
Just ask my wife; she'll gladly tell you she wishes I had more hair (I'm bald)!
Does that hurt my feelings? Not at all.
I know she loves me and cares for me, and even as our bodies age and change, she and I are confident we are imperfectly perfect for each other.
Losing weight doesn't solve marriage problems
Research shows that most men would find their partner more attractive if she were thinner.
While the male brain is much more visual than a woman's, the data shows men also get highly turned through thoughts and emotions.
In short, if you're worried he might wish you were thinner or more athletic, he probably does wish it or sometimes wants it, but it's not the root cause for why he's losing interest.
You can try to get in shape, but as you'll find from hundreds of comments from women and men on our website - losing weight doesn't do much to change why he's not engaged in the marriage.
8. He talks about his physical attraction to other women
In many private counseling sessions, men shared with me that they wish their wives would lose weight, dress sexier, and care more about their looks.
When I ask the same men if they’ve told their wives, most say it’d likely ruin their relationship.
And when I dig a little deeper, many men confess that they try to hint by telling their wives about other physically attractive women.
“I point out actresses, celebrities, and women on the streets who have a look I like.”
“I tell her how attractive I thought she was when we first met.”
Since most men feel they can’t be direct or openly discuss attraction issues, they’ll often do it passively by talking about other women they find attractive.
So, if your husband is doing that, it’s possibly a sign that he wants you to look different.
9. He suggests getting a new romantic partner
In a long-term commitment, your partner may feel attracted to someone else.
When he spends a lot of time suggesting new partners, it's time you take action.
While there are other explanations and more signs your husband doesn t find you attractive, this is serious.
When he's spending lots of time with porn or talking about other lovers, you need to take immediate action.
Get help. Talk to us. Don't let this drag on.
10. He's not present with you
One of the first things that affects the connection is the loss of presence.
If he's less present with you, this will affect your sense of connection.
As a husband, I know that when my wife feels that my presence has been absent for days or weeks, it changes our feelings of attraction and intimacy.
If he's absent-minded or somehow not 'showing up,' it doesn't necessarily mean he's not attracted to you, but you need to address it.
We strongly suggest you address that you talk to him about this sooner rather than later.
Acknowledge that it feels as if you two are missing that presence and connection.
You can ask questions like:
"Have you been feeling stressed by anything at work?"
"Is there something with family or finances that has you preoccupied?"
"How's your sleep been lately?"
This sign doesn’t mean your husband isn’t attracted to you.
But when coupled with the other signs – it can be something serious.
Address it now with kindness and clarity.
Related Reading: Intimacy Exercises
11. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He’s cold and distant
A cold and distant partner makes it hard to connect.
If you feel your partner has been cold and distant or think he hates you, the best thing to do is to let him know.
If you’d like to change things, you could try taking a date night and playing the couples card games that are scientifically proven to help improve your connection.
A cold and distant partner doesn’t mean the attraction is gone, but it does mean something.
It’s best to ask and find out.
Related Reading: My Husband Makes Me Feel Worthless
12. He doesn’t give you much attention
Men are much more visual than women.
A man can get sexually aroused by looking at someone, whereas women typically need emotional intimacy to get turned on.
When your man turns away and avoids seeing your naked body, it could be because he doesn’t find you attractive.
On the other hand, if he isn’t typically someone who turns away, his behavior could signal a shift in attraction.
Tell him if you sense he’s not sexually attracted to you anymore.
13. He’s flirtatious with other women and not you
When you’re in a monogamous relationship, it’s common sense that flirting with others isn’t okay.
If your husband has shut down to your advances, doesn’t initiate sex, and has been shut down – but he’s flirting with other women, he’s not saying something.
A husband who doesn’t show intimacy towards his wife but flirts with other women is possibly not attracted to his partner anymore.
Either that or some of your relationship dynamics need addressing.
14. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore – He talks to you more like one of the guys
It can be fun to be one of the guys. And it can also really zap the romance out of your relationship.
Your husband talking to you like one of the guys can indicate that he's no longer attracted to you.
Therefore, some new behaviors need to be enacted in your relationship.
No matter how close a couple is, it’s not the best when a wife is treated and spoken to like one of the guys.
As the wife, you aren’t one of the guys. You’re more.
Only you know if you like it, but if this and other signs are present, it could signify that the attraction has shifted, and you two would benefit from making changes.
15. You spend a lot less time together
Quality time is an essential part of any relationship, especially a marriage.
When a relationship wanes in romance and passion, partners often spend less quality time together.
In a broken marriage, couples don’t spend much quality time or have fun together and feel distant.
To fix a broken marriage, the couple must learn how to spend more high-quality time together.
If you’re not feeling close to your husband, it’s time to change that.
For fun ways to reconnect and spend time with your partner, check out the Date Night Workbook.
16. He doesn’t invest in your relationship
Anything of value requires attention.
A man who disengages in the relationship is a man who doesn’t value what he has. And he is not paying attention.
The more a man distances himself from working on the relationship, he’s possibly not interested in making things work.
If your husband seems disengaged, you likely feel lonely or emotionally neglected.
If your husband has stopped investing in your partnership, it’s a vital sign that he’s disengaged and something is awry.
All healthy couples have a vision for a shared future.
Healthy couples have dreams and goals that they’re excited to create. They engage in relationship check-ins to discuss the future they’re building together.
When a husband checks out, it’s one of the biggest signs of an impending divorce.
17. He spends most of his spare time on hobbies
A man attracted to his wife will find balance with his time.
He will want time with his wife, hobbies, work, etc.
Attraction calls him to be around his wife, so if your husband is absorbed in his hobbies and not your relationship – begin addressing the issue by talking to him.
If he doesn’t change, it’s a good sign that his attraction has waned.
18. Signs my husband isn’t attracted to me – He doesn’t invite you out with friends
Men and women need to have their own thing.
Sometimes, it’s good for your husband to go out on his own. But if it’s a regular thing and he’s edging you out, there’s something wrong. It could mean you don’t mesh well with his friends, or he’s cheating.
However, just because he doesn’t invite you out doesn’t mean he’s cheating.
If you’re worried your husband is cheating, look for the signs.
For example, when coupled with other behaviors, you might feel like, “These are signs my husband is not attracted to me, so that he might be looking elsewhere.”
Even if your partner isn’t cheating, edging you out of his social life isn’t healthy.
Related Reading: Signs He Doesn’t Love You
19. He doesn’t call, text, or reach out while away
A distant man will make his wife feel hurt.
A connection is created and maintained through communication.
It can be deeply hurt if your husband doesn't call, text, or reach out while on a business trip.
It can feel like your husband is ignoring you.
Tell him that you are disappointed that he hurt you and see what happens.
If nothing changes, it could signify that he’s not attracted to you.
Before you assume anything, tell him how you feel and see what happens.
Related Reading: How To Make Your Husband Desire You More
20. He rarely touches you or has stopped altogether
A lack of physical affection is one of the signs your husband doesn't find you attractive anymore.
Healthy and happy couples touch each other.
Touch is good for your relationship.
Not only does physical contact communicate affection, but touch also improves your health.
Some couples touch more, others less, but whatever you’re used to – when it changes dramatically, it takes a toll on the connection.
Your husband holding your hand or kissing you can go a long way.
In online marriage counseling sessions, we’ve found that when there isn’t adequate touch, it’s a sign that the couple is experiencing some distance.
When you consider a lack of touch, it may leave you feeling like it's one of the signs your husband isn't attracted to you.
It’s best to find out by talking about the situation.
21. Signs your husband doesn't find you attractive - He rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch
If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there’s something wrong.
He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied.
Whatever it is, the impact for you is that you don’t feel loved or cared about the same.
Romance for men and women alike needs cultivation.
A healthy relationship thrives when there is kissing, hugging, and intimate touch.
When your partner doesn’t kiss you very often, it’s a sign something has shifted.
The fix could be as simple as asking for more kisses or taking more work.
However, if you’ve already tried talking to your husband, you’ll want to take specific steps to rekindle the connection.
To help with the process, check out how hundreds of couples have gotten back on track with the Intimacy Workshop.
22. He gets easily upset, and you fight often
If you’ve noticed your husband gets mad more quickly and doesn’t show signs of attraction towards you – it's a red flag.
Your marriage is suffering.
Don’t let this go on without talking about it.
When your husband doesn’t talk about what’s happening, he’ll likely shut down, pick fights, and be more easily agitated.
If your husband becomes defensive, gets mad easily, yells at you, and doesn’t show signs of attraction towards you – talk to him.
Just like lying in a marriage left unchecked grows out of control, a marriage with an explosive partner can also hurt marital longevity.
When this sign shows up, couples tend to report they are not spending time together, and when they do, they're afraid of a blow-up.
In turn, they avoid talking and spend their free time doing anything other than creating quality time.
If this sign is present, let's chat. Schedule a complimentary couples consult.
23. Something feels “off"
Feeling that something is ‘off’ is a powerful, intuitive guide. Listen to it.
In one of my previous relationships, when something felt ‘off,’ I ignored it until I decided to check my girlfriend’s phone one day.
That ‘off’ feeling led me to learn that she was cheating.
I am not saying that your husband is or isn’t cheating.
I’m just suggesting you trust that sense that something is off.
Those emotions you can’t explain are powerful, and when we let them lead us to open up to our partner, they can help immensely.
Trust that feeling and see if you can talk to your husband about what’s happening.
That feeling could signal a big issue or something else that a conversation will help reveal and heal.
Related Article: Surviving Infidelity
24. You’ve tried what he wants, and still nothing
If it still feels like he’s not attracted to you, maybe it’s time to consider counseling.
After you’ve tried all the possible things he wants to increase attraction, it’s time to consider something more radical.
After that, the options become relatively narrow – you either try counseling, leave, or continue with how things have been.
If you’ve tried:
- Losing weight.
- Changing your clothing to be sexier.
- Entertaining his kinks.
- Flirting how he likes.
- Doing the things he likes.
After that, if you still feel he’s not attracted to you – it’s time to do something different.
What To Do If You Think, “There Are Too Many Signs My Husband Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore.“
If you’ve read this far and worry your husband isn’t attracted to you. The best advice is to seek professional help.
You can try changing your clothes, flirting, being sexier, etc. But often, the root issue is something only a professional can help address.
Your husband’s lack of attraction is likely mixed with feelings that the relationship isn’t at its best. Getting the input and guidance of an expert is the fastest route to fixing the core issues.
Stop feeling worthless and undervalued, and stop wondering about the health of your marriage.
When attraction fades, most couples make it worse by guessing
When you feel unattractive or unwanted, it’s natural to:
- Try harder to please
- Change your body or behavior
- Pull away to protect yourself
- Avoid talking about it out of fear
Unfortunately, guessing almost always increases distance.
What actually helps is understanding:
- Why attraction shifted
- What kind of connection is missing
- What your husband may be protecting or avoiding
- How to talk about desire without triggering defensiveness
This is exactly what couples explore in a free consultation — clarity before action.
How do I get my husband interested in me sexually?
If your husband shows signs that he’s not attracted to you, let him know.
Unlike dating, where you may have played games, hid things, or played cat-and-mouse, marriage requires deep intimacy and letting your partner in.
But the past tactics only got you so far. This is your marriage.
It can sometimes be scary to share because what if you say the wrong thing? What if he hears what’s happening and then takes his love away?
Showing love can be terrifying. When we express it, we risk rejection. Few things are as painful as love not being received. On the other hand, loving and being loved are the most courageous acts and gateways to connection and unity.
In short, talk to your husband and find out what can help get things back on track.
For more support with reigniting the passion and attraction in your relationship, sign up for the Intimacy Workshop for Couples.
What do I do to reignite my husband's attraction?
Realizing that your husband doesn't want you can be very painful.
It can make you feel unwanted, rejected, and lonely.
This can also lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem.
However, there are things that you can do to rekindle the spark in your relationship and make your husband attracted to you again.
Related Reading: How to Make My Husband Attracted To Me
Talk about how you feel
First, talk with your husband about how you've been feeling.
Instead of blaming your partner, focus on your feelings and needs.
For instance, you might say, "I feel disconnected from you lately without as much physical touch," rather than "You never touch me anymore."
Sharing your concerns with your husband in this way allows both of you to talk through the issue together and work towards resolving it.
Spend quality time together
In a relationship, intimacy and passion often decrease as you fall into a comfortable routine and become stagnant.
To break out of this rut, prioritize quality time together and plan regular date nights.
If you typically stay in and watch TV on the weekends, shake things up and try something new together.
Research has shown that participating in novel activities with your partner fuels passion and excitement similar to your feelings during the initial stages of dating.
If you're unsure where to get started with planning dates, we've got you covered.
Pick up the Relationship Workbook for 100+ at-home dates, unique outings, and weekend getaways.
Take care of yourself
Attraction starts with you.
When you prioritize self-care, you radiate confidence and aliveness that attracts your partner's attention.
What makes you feel confident and sexy?
To enhance your love life, focus on embracing your pleasure and becoming more present in your body.
Seek professional help
If you're having trouble fixing your broken relationship, seek the support of a marriage coach.
Marriage coaching provides a safe space to address your relationship challenges and gain new insights.
In addition, a marriage coach will help you develop the necessary tools for a healthy marriage.
Feeling unwanted doesn’t mean your marriage is broken — but it does mean something needs attention.
If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed or at a breaking point:
Access an emergency session for immediate support
If you want clarity and guidance:
Book a free couples consult
How do you know if your husband is not sexually attracted to you?
Signs your husband is not attracted to you include lack of physical affection, decreased frequency of sexual activity, and emotional distance. Additionally, increased pornography use or masturbation, especially if it replaces sexual activity with you, can signal a lack of sexual attraction.
What causes attraction to go away?
It's common for attraction to fluctuate within a romantic relationship. Settling into a predictable routine and lack of novelty often causes a decrease in attraction and desire. Other factors also influence attraction, such as unresolved issues in the relationship, lack of emotional intimacy, and external stressors.
Why does my husband seem uninterested in me sexually?
There could be various reasons your husband appears disinterested in sex, such as unresolved conflict, lack of intimacy, or unmet needs within your relationship. Also, heightened stress levels and physical or mental health issues can significantly affect sexual desire.
What to do when your husband doesn't want you sexually?
Feeling your husband doesn't want you sexually is deeply hurtful and confusing. Start by talking with your husband about your concerns and encourage him to share his feelings without judgment. Also, consider seeking the support of a relationship coach trained to help you navigate challenges around sexual intimacy.
Nevermind couples counseling. If a man wants you to lose weight, get out of the relationship because the issue is really with HIS self esteem. He uses a woman to “look good on his arm” because he talks to other ignorant, uneducated, self absorbed men who put pressure on him to have a woman who looks a certain way. Men like that are shallow and worthless, and honestly, there are a lot of other men who like a plump girl. Go find one of them! Ditch the zero (like that dumb guy on here griping about his woman and the gym) and find a hero who won’t take you for granted.
Waiting for, chasing after, or even wasting love on someone who doesn’t reciprocate is incredibly humiliating and damaging to a woman’s self esteem and cause a women to gain weight in addition to a host of other psychological issues. Men only understand ACTION. You can’t talk your way into their black hearts, but you can get back your self respect at least and let him watch you walk out the door and find your own happiness WITHOUT HIM. Then the pathetic, shallow, neglectful, selfish PIG can live with THAT.
Action is powerful. I definitely agree with you there. Women should definitely do what helps them feel better, empowered, and beautiful. If counseling helps, great, if not, that is fine too. What matters is that couples and singles can feel the LOVE. Thanks for sharing Lisa.
Finally!!!! An answer that makes sense!!!! Men gain weight, too!!! If you truly love someone, weight should not be the number one factor! I was getting so angry over these remarks about skinny women. There are a lot of shapes and sizes people prefer. Not just being thin. Some of these comments are so shallow. There are a lot of factors why marriage has troubles in the bedroom. My husband and I are working them out. Our house is never quiet. And now with quarantine, sex is so difficult. Damn, we need a love shack!
Covid19 has definitely affected couples, it’s been harder for many parents to find ways to connect. Might I suggest finding little ways to build in ‘time-away’ Things like going on short walks, maybe having your kids stay with a family member for part of a day…Only you know what will work, but little dates like I am suggesting can help immensely. AND let me add, I am really happy to hear that you’ve had a turn-around in your relationship. I fully agree, body size isn’t the whole thing and often times it’s not really that much of an issue, it just looks like it is. Sometimes of course it is, but quite often it’s really about how a couple gets along and how connected they feel.
He is in jail and now I’m leaving. In his absence I have found more porn on his computer than I have ever seen in my whole life, drugs and a motel key in his wallet, no confirmation of follow through like meet meet here at this time or whatever but emails with someone on craigslist that say $45? Or when he was working out of town trying to meet up with someone there, reminder on his calendar for the same cam girl everyday booked all the way ahead in the future. FOR 2 YEARS he has chosen the drugs and the porn out in my shed INSTEAD OF ME EVERY SINGLE DAY. I begged him to just sleep in the same bed with me all those nights I fell asleep alone feeling physically ill from lack of touch, tried being sexual and watching it too with him, no wonder he practically fell asleep on pathetic little old me when he was doing all that. He claims he “found” the motel key, I have informed him that I can find a motel key too and no I won’t be sitting alone on my birthday next weekend. I will pay the money to write him or whatever just so I can torture him the way he has me, then dump him. Plenty of other guys lined up. I was shown no mercy. Payback is a mfer! Plenty of guys that want to cuddle, have sex and even do more with ME! I am good enough and I deserve love
So let’s assume you married someone who has gained 60 or 70 lbs since you married them? Are you still suggesting the partner is a “pig” for wanting them to maintain a weight closer to what they were at the time they married? You do realize that there are women out there who feel the same way when their husbands let themselves go right? Are they pigs as well?
My husband I had a long distance relationship for 2 years and I finally moved to his state a month ago. We married 6 months ago and when we would travel to see each other the sex was there. We had a lot of time to build an emotional connection due to the distance but since I’ve moved here he doesn’t kiss me, touch me or make love to me. He doesn’t look at me when I’m naked or when we shower together. When we go to bed and wake up, there is no kiss before or after or even a hi, good morning or goodnight. It’s blah! Before I moved we talked and texted every morning and every night. All of that has stopped.
Since the quarantine we both have gained weight due to the gyms being closed. We both used to be very into fitness but not much now.
Due to his physical distance, I felt I needed to look through his phone for answers. I found him looking at a ton of Instagram fitness models who are are half naked and very provocative. This has made me feel extremely insecure especially after me telling him how I don’t feel sexy because if my weight gain.
It’s a tough place you’re in. It sounds like you’d like to make things work, but now you’re feeling insecure.
I am curious when you told him you felt extremely insecure, what did he say? How did he respond?
While this quarantine has impacted your weight (and that of many couples) research does show that within the first few years of marriage the average male gains around 20 pounds and the woman gains 20-30 pounds too. It’s normal to gain weight in the early stages of marriage (and then keep it on).
I also know it hurts to feel that your partner isn’t attracted to you. I am curious, have you considered reaching out to a relationship expert to help you and your partner talk about the issues and how you two are feeling more disconnected?
Thank you for writing this article. Although I do wish I would have came across it 3 years ago. After 15 years of marriage a long list of the signs mentioned in the article seemed to start happening so gradually that it left me dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to make of it or what to do about it. I had no idea that he had lost his attraction to me. I made many excuses for his behavior toward me. Until the day arrived in which he chose to be very blunt with me. one fine morning when I confusing asked if he could explain to me why he seemed so distan h e told me he no longer felt chemistry with me. I could finally see that he was holding this in for quite some time and just couldn’t find a way to break it to me looking back. I was shocked, hurt is an understatement, I was crushed. My love for him felt stronger every year that passed. I thought he felt the same. Long story short, we worked things out. We are happy now. At first I was the weak one. I spent more than a year in depression. But I took the reigns. I lost weight. Over 100 lbs. I started taking care of me. I decided I wanted to, needed to, and deserved to be happy. I decided that I needed to take charge of my own happiness with or without him. I was so miserable and sad with him knowing and feeling unwanted that it was just destroying my.persona and that was not healthy. I told him after the first year that if he wanted to stay with me I needed to see changes in him. I wanted to be with someone who wants me. Not someone who is staying for every other reason. well he seemed to like this take charge side of me. I am happier now and so is he. I promised myself never to let myself go thru that again even if I had to walk away from the person that I loved to the moon and back because saying good bye is a part of life and eventually we learn to love and be happy again.
What a powerful story!
All of us, in every relationship that matters, must make some changes to make the relationship work. It may not be about changing our bodies, but maybe how we listen, how we appreciate, how we ask for things, or something else. In the end though, those changes must be made because we want to be happy.
Your quote here: “I needed to take charge of my own happiness with or without him,” is quite powerful. That is where we truly must make any change from. I am glad to hear that he too was willing to make some changes – when that happens, you have the recipe for an amazing relationship.
The best marriages are ones where both partners are willing to grow, transform, and become more for the relationship. Relationships are all about loving our partner for who they are, and loving ourselves enough to be willing to grow and change not just for our partner/relationship but also for ourselves.
yes, it’s great our partner loves us for who we are, but it’s also great that we are willing to grow and transform to make our relationship happier and better.
I am glad to hear that it all worked for you! Thanks for sharing Louise
I am wondering if anyone has advise for me;
18 months ago I told my husband of 30 years that I want to seperate, that I do not want sxx anymore. He refused, we both went to therapy (separetly), married a daughter, stopped therapy. We have been living together all this time with no physical contact with him constantly trying and saying he wants me and only me. I have told hime we could be friends, told him to just go find the sex someplace else.
Lately I discovered that he was having sex with someone, |’m not sure for how long, at least a year. When I realized where he was all those nights when I was relieved that he didn’t come home and found myself alone on a holiday I was devasted and realized that I do not want to end our life together and want to try again hoping we can change. We have not had sex in over a year and I wanted to take it slowly but I got carried away and yesterday it happened…..Except he never really got hard.
I felt terribly unatractive (I am very overweight) and kept thinking it was because of me, that he had been with someone firmer and smaller and dfferent that he doesn’t want me anymore. He swore it was the alcohol and the excitement and he did come without ever really getting hard. Instead of being supportive of a man in distress I cried and was sure it was me and I feel very insecure and I do not know how to know. I guess I’ll just have to wait for the next time.
Is it possible for a man to love and say he only wants yu and nobody else but not get hard?
Hi…I’ve been married a little over a year to a man I adore after dating for 5 years and living together for 2. He used to be out of town for 6 weeks at a time and we would write very steamy sexts to each other during that time. He started a job in which he doesn’t have to travel now, and at first I was happy about that. Till our passion died. I still feel the same way about him but he isn’t interested in making love to me now…just wants fellatio, and I comply, almost every day and sometimes 3 times a day. I had breast cancer and a mastectomy 5 years ago but he married me anyway even though my body is no longer young or attractive. There is nothing I can do to help it. I try wearing sexy nighties and panties and I always initiate sex which always turns into fellatio for him, nothing for me. I talked to him about it and occasionally he’ll finger me but I feel he does it out of a sense of obligation. He had ooen heart surgery last year and I expected a bit of a recuperation period but he just doesn’t even try to have intercourse with me and says going down on me hurts his neck. So it’s basically me taking care of him, then he goes to sleep and I go to the bathroom to finish myself with a toy. He’s so loving in many ways…hilds me cloae at night while we sleep, makes breakfast for me and dinner too when he’s home. I know he loves me. I just don’t turn him on and I don’t know how to fix that. We’re both a youthful looking 60 yrs of age and I eant to be attractive for him. But I can’t put back what cancer took away, even with pretty nighties. He never touches my reconstructed chest and won’t look at me naked at all. Any suggestions?
In your message, there is a lot of focus on what your body ‘used to be’ and what you ‘used to have.’ Yet, I think about this: when someone loves you, they can find your scars, wounds, changes and body shifts as something sexy because it YOU.
It sounds like he really loves you, and is a sweet invested man.
I wonder if there is something deeper going on?
How is communication outside of sex? How is the fun, play, time together, connection?
My bet here is this – there are other things that are ‘off’ and sex is a symptom of those things.
While we know men are quite visual, we also know that sexual turn-on for men and women is largely in the head and heart. That means, if the sex is off but most things are good – it’s still likely it’s not just the sex, but rather the sex is a manifestation of an ‘offness’ that is outside of sex. If that makes sense?
As I’ve said before, many couples who come to me seeking support rekindling sexual sparks, find that in our work we resolve all kinds of things that aren’t just sexually related and they find that their sex-life and intimacy improves.
If you would like to speak further, you’re welcome to schedule a complimentary couples consultation session. *(and of course, you’re welcome to write more here* For the complimentary consultation session, you can go here to schedule: https://lastingloveconnection.com/contact/
So as of recently I just found out some devastating news I found out my husband has been cheating on me, I found sexual videos of him with other women on a secret phone he kept hidden for me. I felt as if being dead would have hurt less then seeing what I saw. I confronted him with what I found and he confessed and answered all my questions and seemed very regretful, he explained to me the reason he did what he did was because in my past before I met him I was an exotic dancer and he couldn’t live with the fact of knowing that as a man. So I choose to forgive him but I can’t help but feel he is still lying and is not physically attracted to me anymore because I’ve had 3 kids and my body isn’t the same as when we met hes even hinted weight loss. How do I know he wasn’t attracted more to the women he cheated with in the videos rather then me or is really going to change and never hurt me like this again. Since finding out he has been more touchy then he has in the past but is it temporary is it even real? Or does he just feel guilt and is staying with me out of comfort my worry is he will cheat again and I just can’t handle this pain again !
20 out of 24…. However, nothing has changed, has always been this way. Just didn’t realize it before 3 years of marriage 😥
Hi all
Im actually in tears when I read all your comments I thought im the only one who is going crazy.
My husband and I have been married for 1 year and 6months.. prior to marriage we used to have a great sex life.. hes mum passed away about, 3 ,years ago and I decided to move in with him n hes bro.. so with I became the female in the house… so im always there with him it used to be like we were married and I slowly noticed that hes sex drive was going…. like when he drinks he can get it up..but it dies and then everything is over.. so nevertheless we had a huge wedding October 2018.. im currently 6 months pregnant.. n honestly it feels like hes not attracted to me anymore.. he doesn’t me or even try to turn me on.. please dont get me wrong hes absolutely loving and caring as a husband… he is such a gentleman he even helps me around the house.. but sexually I dont know whats going on.. he loves playing playstation with hes online buddies.. which i don’t mind but it usually goes on until really late at night possibly till 2 or 3am daily.. until I shout about it he comes to bed n says that I know he suffers from insomnia theres nothing else he can do.. ok fine another instance where I try to come onto him. Instantly he says..sleep baby.. or lets sleep, or your pregnant using that as an excuse or something that indicates hes not interested me sexually.. I think we only had sex like.4 or.5 ,times since the start of.this year..
Yeah so it kinda bothers but mostly it hurts me so much im too embarrassed to talk to anyone I know personally or to him directly cos I feel like he would get angry me n might think im like a sex addict honestly I cant have sex every night but possibly like 2 times a week isnt asking for much.. but to him everything is dead I know he watches porn because I found videos on hes tablet.. we fought about it not because I have a prob with him watching it but because he would rather watch porn than b with me.. im not concieted but im very attractive.. even though im pregnant I haven’t gained much weight just the tummy.. I dress up smart all the time when we go out.. he notices other men looking at me n it doesn’t bother him.. I cook n clean n take of the house but i feel more like he’s mother rather than a wife.. apart from this hs never romantic like never for Valentines day I had to do a nice outside candlelight dinner for him…because im pregnant he usually massages my tummy n body with tissue oils daily after my evening shower.. n I would have tthought by him touching me it wud arouse him maybe get him more interested sexually but nothing so I stopped calling him I do it myself.. tonight I lookd into the mirror and then I asked him do u still find me attractive he giggled and said if I didnt find u attractive then y am I still with u so I kept quiet then he decided to come to bed early and I thought maybe he would try to initiate sex but nothing.. he jst fell asleep and im the one crying all the tears from the heartache pain and rejection… I know he loves me with all hes heart n I love him more..but sexually something isnt working.. and I just dont know what to do and it hurts the most when my Friends and female cuzins speak about their life and im sitting there trying to keep my mouth full so I dont have to comment on mine.. I have even thought about secretly adding some sex arousal meds to hes food but I decided hs only going to have sex with me for thr craving and not because of attraction. Does anyone have any advice for me ….
My story is a little different. Married x 15 years, 3 kids, kind, loving, slender and funny, but I WAS very top heavy. AND I had a breast reduction without my husband’s approval. Just like most men he loved big breasts. Prior to the surgery my back kept giving out and I had shoulder pain. Then there were the men, well they were the worst, they treated me like a piece of meat. The gawking, the ridiculous smiles, the standing over me at my desk, the looking at my chest as I was talking, and then, gravity who was not my friend. All of it played a part in my decision to go forward. I have no regrets whatsoever to my decision, not one. I am pain free, I can wear whatever I want without feeling so uncomfortable, my breasts are a beautiful perky B Cup and I am totally proportioned with the rest of my body. My husband hasn’t touched my breasts since and constantly (as in daily) says the most hurtful things (you look ugly, hugs feel awful now, tells me he finds me disgusting, etc.) to me, even a year later. Unless God does something miraculous to save our marriage, this is pretty much the end of our marriage, (once we have our financial orders in place). It breaks my heart that in the end I only amounted to a pair of boobs to him. However, I love myself enough to look forward to being loved and touched the way I ALWAYS SHOULD have been. Quite frankly, I will probably go crazy on the first guy I allow to touch me. HA! I feel sorry for my husband, but not enough to stay with him. He has given me a gift, to want, see and expect more from my next lover/partner/friend. Life is so incredibly precious, and no one should stay with someone who is worried about how they look. If your spouse is worried about your health, that is a different story, but looks, absolutely not. Let him go with grace and a smile. I could not be more excited about my future and freeing myself from such an unkind human. In the end it will feel like I got rid of three boobs. Ha!
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have hit an all time low in our marriage. We have sex often but I always initiate. There is NO foreplay what so ever. Completely silent and so boring. I tried to bring different ideas into the bedroom. He shows no interest. Lately he can’t reach orgasms and this has never been an issue. He does watch porn and I don’t mind but when I ask him what he likes he literally says whatever you want. I’m 46 and my husband just turned 40. My face has aged a lot in the past few years because of major medical problems. This was a very hard time and my husband was there every step of the way. That was about 4 years ago and it has only got bad in the past 6 months. I feel like we are just friends with benefits ( but there are really no benefits because it just isn’t good) . He says there is nothing wrong but I feel differently. It’s so bad that I feel like leaving. I have tried to get him to go to counseling with me and he flat out refuses. Our issues are not just in the bedroom. I feel as if we have grown apart completely. This makes me very sad. We don’t really talk about anything. We argue a lot and it seems as if we are around our friends we both are happier because it isn’t just us. I think that our marriage is over. Just don’t know how to call it quits.
It is steel astonishing and surprising to me how many mental health professionals are recommending porn as a cure for anything. What had happened with your moral values? Fortunately there are scientists who interview a number of clinical experts, former porn industry workers and the victims of porn and create this fact based documentaries that contribute to the project of total ban of this destructive precedent: https://brainheartworld.org/
Thank you for sharing. in this article I did not promote porn, instead, I encourage each person to decide and I do point readers to resources on the harms as well as the possible upsides. I have spent time interviewing sex workers, porn addiction experts, and many therapists in the field of couple’s happiness. There are varying opinions and I appreciate you sharing yours here too. I do agree, that porn has possible damaging effects. Thank you for sharing your opinion and insight. You’re also welcome to check out my interview with porn addiction expert, Gary Wilson, who spoke on the harms and how porn can even change one’s brain chemistry: https://lastingloveconnection.com/porn-addiction/
My husband of five months snaps at me all the time and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’ve talked to him and he says he’s just to busy. I’m so sad. I think I made a big mistake getting married. We are older in our late 50s.
My partner and I recently got back together after two years of not being together and I’ve been noticing that he talks a lot about taking me to the gym giving me hints on losing a little bit of weight and it does bother me a bit . The first time in two years when he saw me with makeup and a dress on he just looked at me and didnt even smiled or complimented me I was honestly thinking that he would be surprised on seeing me like that. Dont get me started on sex … he stopped trying to sexually touch me basically he just wants to get it over with . We barely even have sex and he blames it on work. I just feel like I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore
My husband’s and my sex life has been awful for 5 years. He stopped initiating years ago, has ED and PE issues and in general shows no interest in me as a woman. He came clean a couple of years ago about having a decades-long porn addiction. He finally joined a 12-step program last year, and since that time our sex life has gone from awful to non-existent. Meanwhile, my desire for sex has gone to zero, and even though I know I am an attractive woman, I have come to see myself as ugly and hate my body after half a decade of rejection from my husband. I thought things would get better after he got help, but now I am seriously thinking of leaving the relationship, as it just never seems to get better. Not sure what to do but dont want to waste another 5 years waiting for my husband to want me.
It’s very painful and difficult to imagine that turning 47, having 50 plus hot flashes a day, choosing to love myself and let my gray hair come in, and then, thank you loss of estrogen, gaining about 15 lb, have all truly changed the way I look and change the way I look at myself. Menopause has been a real downer for me. But, last night I found out that I’m not sexy to my husband anymore either. My husband of 25 years. That’s hard.
Hi me and my husband have been together for 15 years and married for 12 it started about 6 months ago he went on to some sites to make friends and he has a app called hangouts and he talks to girls on there he says they are only friends but I don’t know and he has a Instagram account and comment on one of the girls he follows calling them a sexy lady he works away Monday to Friday and I have spoken to him and he says they are friends he turns his phone off in a night aswell but up and till about 6 months ago it’s all ways been me and him
Luis, your concern is very kind. My husband and I are still friends and all. I have tried all kinds of humiliating things to attract him. I would like for him to go to therapy so we can talk about what to do in a less confrontational environment but he insists nothing is wrong. I would love to get some help with a conversation about how to handle transitioning away from marriage. I think the answer is to be only friends and let him find a young woman while I finish raising our son and for me to accept that my sexuality is over. The other man complaining that his wife isn’t thin enough, sure he says she isn’t trying but I am not sure that’s it. Men are only attracted to young women. It’s so sad because in our late 40s we really understand our bodies and truly enjoy sex but men aren’t interested any more. When you get older you will see. We don’t all have the same resources celebrities have. How many men looked at their wives in disgust after the Super Bowl and said to themselves, “if she would just eat a couple of salads and do JLos workout she would look like her.” There is a LOT of money invested in why she looks like that at 50. We can’t do it in between working and raising kids and without spending 10s of thousands of dollars. It’s not fair, but fighting it is frustrating and pointless. Just let them find a 25 year old and make a new life with her. Sometimes the answer is to move on.
All that sounds quite painful. I have personally sat with around 1,000 couples. All of varying ages. Most tend to be in their 40s and 50s, as that tends to be an age when couples are more open to counseling (and have the resources).
As to your age thing, I kindly disagree.
There are many healthy couples in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond with healthy and active sex lives, passionate love, and attraction. The other day I interviewed a couple who have been together for 40+ years, kids are fully grown, and they shared with me how they enjoy an active sex life as a couple.
As per your desire to transition away from marriage. You may like a book titled, “Conscious Uncoupling.” (here is a link: https://amzn.to/2uDdfQv) We had the author on our podcast and she’s been touted by celebrities in helping them consciously uncouple.
I am in no way advising you to end or stay in your relationship. Just sharing a resource.
In long term relationships, I’ve seen many couples become complacent and avoid therapy, talk-time, or shared space to discuss the issues. That avoidance only works to hurt things more…I am sorry your partner isn’t open to talking to someone. I do appreciate that you’re talking about it though. He may not be open to it, but if you take care of you, you’ll at least find you are able to find some relief and can find some new joy again.
I thank you again for sharing all this with the community here. In my marriage Bootcamp courses, I’ve always seen tremendous value when couples hear from others, so your sharing is a gift to the community here.
I have gained weight, and I’m older now. I am getting treatments, Botox, exercising and starving myself because my husband isn’t attracted to me any more. Here’s the thing: I can lose this weight (maybe, nothing is working, I’m so depressed now I’m always moments from tears) but I can’t get younger. So I really feel like there isn’t much point. I am starting to think that once you’re past 45, if your husband isn’t attracted you should just leave. There is no point in killing yourself for someone else, and besides, I’m not sure I really want someone who can’t accept that people age. I get that men are visual. I just think maybe this means that after 45 women should accept that men are going to be done with them and find other things to make themselves happy.
I agree with you – people age. Bodies change. Gravity comes. A man and woman should first and foremost, be connected by their hearts and spirits. I think it’s all fine and dandy to work on yourself in any way that makes you feel better. It sounds like it’s really getting to you to do all these things though…that is a recipe for disaster.
As one man stated, the physical element has changed his attraction, but if you read carefully, it’s more about how he sees his wife’s lack of motivation and lack of inspiration. If you’re doing so much and still feel depressed, it’s likely a good idea to stop trying to change yourself so much. It won’t do any good to look how he wants and for you to be unhappy.
Instead of looking at this as a purely physical thing, let me ask some other questions.
I am curious, aside from the physical aspects, are there ways you and your partner have lost some connection? Are you having fun together? Are you open with one another? Are you making time to explore and get to know each other anew? Have you tried adding in some novelty (I don’t mean sexually, just new experiences can be great – there’s research showing novelty triggers parts of the brain associated with new love).
My guess is, you and your partner have layers of things going on.
If you try to resolve your looks, you may chip at part of the issue. Still, usually, the root issue is more about – how you two talk to each other, how you appreciate and honor one another, shared dreams and shared ideas for the future, and how you resolve issues.
I’d hate for you to go all out with diets, botox…and find out that doesn’t solve the root problem (which it won’t). My best advice is to start talking to your partner. In my work as a relationship coach, I find that women who are going on diets, starving themselves, and trying other potentially radical methods are missing out on the opportunity to talk to their partner (and are likely doing so because they don’t know of another way). Quite often too, the women have hinted at the issue with their partner, but haven’t had a clear conversation. And there is the bigger problem – both partners are missing out on clear conversations where there’s empathy, connection, and a clear sense of ‘we know each other.’
If you need help talking to your partner, it can help to hire a professional who knows how to make communication easier. That’s what I do – I help couples open up and decode what’s missing.
Since this is the work that I do, I’d strongly encourage you to schedule a free consultation with me here: https://calendly.com/luiscongdon/consult
(it’s free, no pitch, just a consult and you can decide if you’d like to speak further).
Tricia – thank you for sharing and for being brave enough to tell the community here what is happening. I want you to know, the physical element is a very thin slice of the pie here. I hope you can talk to your husband before you take any other radical steps. You deserve to be loved regardless of how you look. I hope you’ll find the courage to go one step further and give me (or some other counselor) you trust a call.
Why it seems like only women age? What about the looks of men, nobody in this comments section has mentioned how their partner looks or she wants her partner to change the way he looks or dresses. Because we love the person more than other things. Why do we bear the burden, don’t we deserve better looking men? We don’t hurt the self-esteem of men then why do they do it. It hurts.
I am struggling with those very same questions right now. I poked my husband’s belly last night and asked when I’m going to see a six-pack. I’m feeling pretty angry and bitter right now.
Im going to offer another perspective here, which I hope is valuable seeing as I’m the only man who has commented.
Your article is absolutely 100% spot on. This is exactly how men think, have no doubt, and physical attraction is immensely important to us in a relationship. I strongly believe in personality having a huge factor, but, let’s face it..If I was 100% attracted to personality, I would find my best mate attractive wouldnt I.
The issue here is it takes two to tango and two to keep up effort. My situation is that my wife has got very conformable. So comfortable in fact, that when we got married she actually quit the gym pretty much straight away. She got into a new hobbie, which was physically demanding in a different way, but couldn’t be the substitute on her body for cardiovascular or weight training.
When we first started dating, she absolutely loved the gym and it reflected in her appearance. She even has written on her social media account that she can usually be found there. 5 years later, she has gone from a size 8 to now a size 14 going 16. We don’t even have kids.
Please do not tell me that I, as a human being, an animal, a caveman, am expected to have the same sexual arousal for her as when we first started dating and that I now need some professional councillor to brainwash me into telling me what I do or don’t like.
This is of course all very sad. Your comments above of feeling guilty really resonate with me, and I find myself looking at other women, at pornography, quite naturally.
We have a home gym, with around £1500 worth of equipment. She works at home 3 days a week and is here every weekend. The reason I feel so bitter and sad about this situation is that she has absolutely no excuse having a gym 5 meters away 5 days a week.
I work away 4 days a week, sometimes 5, but I go to the gym when I can, probably exercising about 3 or 4 days a week on average. I dont do this for vanity, I do it because I want to take care of myself and find it helps with my mental health in a pretty stressful job. I know how to get the balance right.
We don’t have sex very often anymore. I think probably once a month at best and it’s difficult for to initiate when I feel that the person looking back at me is a shadow of her former self physically.
It is a great shame to put in so much effort my side and see someone you love not.
I love my wife but constantly think that I wish she took better care of herself. When I’ve raised that I’m concerned about her health in the past I’ve been immensely shot down. She drinks an awful lot of alcohol most Thursday nights and weekends. She eats chocolate like its going out of fashion. It’s really quite sad to watch.
The moral of this story ladies, is, that if I was a woman saying the above about her husband, I would get all of the sympathy in the world. However, as a man, I have to accept this situation and I’m a bastard if I think otherwise. Have absolutely no doubt that the article above is 100% true, and if you’ve gained anything from reading this, take advantage of the knowledge you now have.
John – I appreciate your response. I am glad a man has commented and that this article resonates with you.
Many men who speak with me tell me they feel the same. They want their wives to get more physically active but struggle to have that conversation with their wife. Men are very visual and respond in strong ways to what they see. All that being said, physical attraction is a very small piece of what makes attraction for men and for women.
Even in your response, I see one clear statement: “I am trying really hard and my wife doesn’t reciprocate. I don’t feel her engaging, improving, and working on this relationship with me.”
This is the deeper stuff.
For example, you’ve said: “when I feel that the person looking back at me is a shadow of her former self physically.” I also hear you saying, or want to go out on a limb, and say it’s likely you feel she’s a shadow of herself in other ways. You also mentioned she drinks quite a bit…which I wonder if it means, “she’s not as motivated as she used to be. She doens’t take care of herself and her dreams like she used to. She’s very comfortable and her aspirations aren’t like they used to be.”
This points me to wonder – what if she stopped drinking, got more motivated, and showed the relationship (and her life) more enthusiasm and interest?
My guess is, the issue isn’t just her physical self. It’s a variety of things – and the gym, working out, and weight gain is a piece of it. But, I wonder, if she became more engaged in her dreams, stopped being so ‘settled’ and started showing more engagement in life and her dreams – would that increase the attraction? In my work, I find that most men say yes (and so do women).
I ask this because it’s common for wed couples to put on weight (studies show 25-45 pounds to be normal). Sex also goes down. BUT when you combine weight gain with low passion, lack of motivation, monotonous routine…you get a stale sex life too which is hindered by a variety of things.
John – I thank you for your comments. I appreciate your transparency and the ability to share here. I am also glad you enjoyed the article.
This makes alot of sense. Thank you.
My pleasure. Thanks for letting me know you found it useful.
And what you’re saying is also 100% true. My husband stopped having sex with me, became a chronic masturbate, slowly became disrespectful, careless, reckless, emotional affairs at work, he pretty much turned into someone I did not know anymore – this is five years into marriage with two small children. So, I make him take me out to a food show for my 40th birthday – I wasn’t feeling the love that evening – he was policing my emotions by telling me that I was being too friendly – so, the inner Irish/Filipina Goddess emerged from I don’t know where the fck, but my vibration changed that night – I made him bring us home early and Soon as we got home I directed him to our basement and lit up joint that I had been hiding cause he was such a dick to deal with – I created a safe environment for him to finally tell me how he became a supreme asshole. Well, he said everything under sun except for the truth of why he was treating me like a responsibility – the real truth is – me, wife got fat after kids. Well, I Was 50lbs. Heavier and still beautiful. But in my husbands eyes I had turned into Jubba the hut!! I was so hurt by all of this that I think I lost 20lbs in two months from a broken heart then On month three of a broken heart I came down with kidney stones- 6mm and 2mm – I thought I was gonna die – it took an entire month for them to pass along with three emergency room visits cause I couldn’t handle the pain – through all of that and still – my husband took care of my damaged heart and soul – he stayed home from work the entire time I was ill with kidney stones and waited on me hand and foot. Still today, he takes extra care of our kids by making them their meals, getting them ready for school and being the Chaperone in field trips, he leaves me post it notes all around the house to tell me he’s sorry and that he’s so disgusted by his behaviors – he now only drinks with me, he has no social media – I am in control of our social media – we make posts together, he shows me he loves me by keeping the house clean and makes coffee every freakin’ morning, does laundry, makes all of the grocery runs and buys me all of my favorite yogurts, cheeses, chocolates, ice cream, and all of the ingredients I need, and even candle wax melts and epsom salt for all of my baths – it was really over whelming at first but also realizing how much he really didn’t give a shit about me!! All of his kind gestures and all the romantic gifts wasn’t well received but he kept on – he realized a lot on how he neglected me and now loves to show me how much he really does love and care for me and how stupid he was for not seeing how much of a badass I really was then – he seriously worships the ground I walk on because he saw the tremendous amount of strength it took to forgive him. I think everybody comes around. Now the only one who can F this up is me. As crazy as it sounds – it made us better and for each other.
Your story just resonated with me, it was so similar. Even down to the shared joint… My husband broke my heart too. For months, he displayed 23/24 behaviours on this list, then finally one day, I had enough. We shared a joint/beer and he spilled the beans. For better or for worse, sickness and health, but he is not attracted to my 50lbs heavier body. I lost 15 lbs in the past almost 2 months, and started noticing that my pee is super yellow. Been feeling like period cramps, but I’m thinking I’m so wrong. I don’t want to fall ill, but if my husband responds the way that your husband did, gosh, maybe I should get really sick! No, I will get myself checked out lol. I hope I don’t screw things up now…
My husband and I have been together 11 years. We use to be very sexually active with each other and that has slowed down to maybe 1-3 times a month just within the last 2years . I talked to him and he said he feels fine and he is happy, it’s not something he really thinks about. We hold hands every night and cuddle. I worried it’s my body, I have gained 65 pounds since we got together 35 being the past few years.
Since I found out I was pregnant (3years ago), my husband has stopped all romance, sexual advances and touching me. He’s a great father, loves our son, but our relationship just feels cold. When I bring it up – he just gets mad and storms out without talking about it. When I start getting fussy over wanting intercourse, I feel he does it to shut me up and goes on with his day. Our communication is just awful and turns into a fight. I love him and want this to work – I don’t know what to do?
My husband and I have been married for a year, and together for 3. Obviously in the beginning we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and with time it decreased to once to twice a week.
About 4 months ago, after suffering for months, I was diagnosed with depression. So durring this time, I lost most of my usual interest, including being active which has caused me to gain weight. I have been recieving treatment and I do feel alot better however, still struggle with consistantly staying active.
Durring this time, our sex life was up and down, but lately over the last month, my husband barely wants to touch me, or even look at me naked, let alone wanting to engage in sex. He doesnt have any problems cuddling or kissing me, but if I try to initiate sex, he turns me down and rather watches porn. Although not regular, he is watching it once to twice a week rather than engaging in sex with me.
I feel like I’m not good enough or attractive enough which has a huge effect on my self esteem and contributes towards my depression and makes it even harder to try and be more active.
I used to be a very strong independent woman with so much self worth, but I feel like I’ve lost that and ontop of not looking good enough for my husband I sometimes feel like he wishes I could be that woman again. It’s a journey to get back there, but in the meantime, not being wanted by my husband makes it harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I made a video of me touching myself like 4 years ago and I found out my husband is watching my old video of me instead of coming to the bedroom with me I dont know what hes doing but watching a video of me I feel like I failed as a wife and on top of that I just had 2 kids back to back so hes watching a old video when I looked better 🙁 last year I caught him watching pork without me we used to watch ut together as a couple but stopped and found out he was watvhing it without me it killed me now this ….help
Jennifer – Thank you for sharing. That sounds confusing and difficult to understand.
I know this must be hard…
Masturbation, sexual desire, and post-kids intimacy can be quite complicated. It sounds like there’s a lot going on that has impacted your intimacy with your partner.
In some ways, I wonder (and I may be wrong, it’s hard to know without talking to you and him), but here’s a thought.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t know how to approach sex with you. It also sounds like he is very attracted to you, but the fantasy and the real thing is hard for him to bridge (the fantasy of sex with you and the act of it). It also sounds like he might have some sexual fantasies and shame that he doesn’t know how to share. It also sounds like he’s distancing himself sexually from you (and that is the bigger issue – you two can’t talk about what is happening). Again, I could be wrong here because without talking to you and him I can only guess…but I can definitely tell this hurts a lot.
I hope the content here can help somehow. If you two ever wish to talk, I’ll be here of course. And if you’d like me to write any specific content to help you, let me know as well. Thank you for sharing.
My husband was very attracted to me and used to make love to me with his eyes before we would make love while we were dating.. We dated 3 or 4 years before we got married and did everything right. Right after we got married it all stopped. When we have tried been intimate the connection is not there anymore.. So we dont have sex anymore
Lanae – I am sorry to hear that your relationship changed so dramatically after getting married. This isn’t an uncommon occurence though. Quite often, couples find their relationship changes immensely after marriage. Unlike the fairytales we’re used to reading and seeing on screens – many couples find marriage changes things.
Quite often this happens because:
*Unwritten agreements about what marriage is and isn’t (hidden expectations)
*The realization that now you won’t date anyone else (less fantasy, and feelings of ‘walls closing in’)
*Lack of excitement, adventure and newness…
The fix for this can be found by:
*Doing novel things to together
*Talking about fantasies
*Creating big dreams and goals together
*Doing some marital counseling (that’s where I can help)
*Talk about how the relationship issues
*Create new narratives and fun stories about what marriage means
Hopefully, that helps you get some insight.
What I can say is this, getting this tough spot fixed sooner than later is possible. Your marriage can thrive again, your sex can be great again, and your husband can come out of that shell and you two can find connection again.
Everything is ok and good until it’s time for intercourse then he immediately looses his erection so why is he not interested in me at that time???
Nina – first let me say, I am sorry to hear that you’re having this problem in your relationship. Sex, arousal, turn-on, and passion are complicated topics. I know it feels disheartening that your partner loses his erection when it’s time for sex. Given the science on arousal, it could be a variety of things going on with your husband. Without knowing him and you a bit more, it’s hard to say exactly what the issue is – but I wouldn’t take this as a sign that your partner isn’t attracted to you. In fact, if things are good with kissing, touching, and other levels of intimacy, I’d venture your partner very much loves you, but something is going on psychologically and without talking to him I can’t say exactly what it is. Have you two sought out counseling for this?
My husband seems to be turned on ut i cant figure out of its because am starting it and he feels he need to act it or not.
I no he watchs porn which is fine that doesnt bother me.
He doesnt seem to get hard all the time or of he does when it comes down to having sex with me it goes , i try make out am not bothered by this invaze it makes it worse but its an awful feeling when u think his attracted to you but cant keep a hard on when it comes down to having sex ,
Like many of these women I feel very unattractive to my husband he flirts with other women and makes me feel second he never wants to look at me during sex and our sex life has really went down hill he barely wants to have sex with me but has no problem getting turned on by looking at another women
Like many of the women reading this article, I am traumatized from the effects of my husband’s porn addiction. He has preferred porn and masturbation the entire 36 years of marriage. I left him after the most recent “d-day”. I came back 5 months later, when he said he was working on it. I have been back 14 months and I don’t know if he is still sober, he says he is. My heart is broken because he literally cannot look at me in the genital area or touch me there. I know he doesn’t have a general disgust for vaginas because he has secretly masturbated probably tens of thousands of times to the vaginas he has seen in porn. I am not a prude in any sense. I love sex and wish I had received some touch along the way, but I took the crumbs when they came. He got HIS foreplay from me, and then we had sex without him touching or looking at me. A couple of days ago I decided I cannot take the hurt or rejection any more. It is traumatizing when he comes into the bathroom, I am showering and he will not look at my body. He never touches me unless I complain. I know he has a psychological problem with sex. People tell me I am attractive.I don’t think it’s me. I have decided I will give up on sex with him. He doesn’t like it anyway. And I won’t have to deal with the hurt of not being touched or looked at. I’m grieving for the loss of hope that I will ever have the sex life I would have liked. I plan to stay married and endure a sexless marriage. We do love eachother and have kids and grandkids. Whoever reads this, know that I understand your pain, sadness, and disappointment. I have been to the point of wanting to commit suicide in the past because of the hurt. I am hoping that by protecting myself from his disinterest in my body, I can survive and learn to be happy.
Karen – thank you for sharing this story with the community here. I am touched by your ability to share this publicly. I am also very sorry to hear this is happening (and has been happening) in your marriage. Without knowing your husband better, it’s hard to say exactly (what’s going on *but I can make some very educated guesses here*. It sounds like there is a disconnect with physical intimacy and sex. Your partner clearly wants something, doesn’t know how to talk about it, and not talking hurts you both. Also, there is a chance your partner is building an addiction to porn (not that viewing porn means someone is addicted, statistics tell us it’s very normal among healthy couples to view porn alone and together). The issue isn’t the porn though, it’s how he’s doing it and that you’re not connecting intimately. My guess, there are some communication breakdowns occurring. I know all of this is quite tough, and even very beautiful, loyal, wonderful men and women suffer like this in their relationship. It sounds like you two have something great, but this hurts immensely and you’d like to find a fix.
In my time sitting with many couples (close to 1,000 as of 2020), this is something I’ve heard before. It can be tough to dissect, find healing, and resolve. I know this is taking a toll on your relationship. Even if your husband isn’t clinically addicted to porn, what’s happening is hurting your connection. Please let me know if there’s anything I can to help you, or if there’s any kind of articles or videos you’d like me to make for this site. Thanks – Luis Congdon.
I wish people would stop claiming that porn is healthy. It is not healthy for a relationship and women continue to live with it in denial. It’s emotionally destructive and women are the victims. Erectile dysfunction is affecting men at younger ages than ever before and it’s NOT normal. It is the effects of pornography and the unrealistic bar the porn industry is setting.
I’ve created a useful interview with an expert on the dangers of porn. You may enjoy that interview. Here it is if you’d like to hear and read the accompanying article: https://lastingloveconnection.com/porn-addiction/
Thank you for your comment. And I agree, porn can be detrimental to a relationship (and I also know that if used consciously porn can be good for couples). In fact, in my recent interview with Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen Lakelly Hunt they talked about how they enjoy sex videos together (and it was Dr. helen (unprompted) who brought it up.
Anything can be an addiction and sadly many men are running to porn because they don’t know how to have intimacy with their partner.
Thank you for this comment. I have been living with someone who now because of his porn addiction, is now a totally different man. He treats me horrible and is verbally abusive. Loses jobs because of his porn use. Porn kills love. In regards to the doctor please check out fighthenewdrug
It explains through science what porn does to the brain. Originally doctors said smoking was fine
HEARD. THAT. I’m sick of living with “well I just wanted to see naked women.” Then don’t get married. I didn’t sign up for that. I signed up for a husband. Not someone who didn’t think I was good enough. If you tell me I’m so beautiful, but then you wait for me to leave to Look at chicks who have big fake boobs and are 20, sorry, dude, you don’t know what it is to be a man.
I have lived with a porn viewer and addict. Porn is destroying intimacy of relationships
I believe that porn for most changes one’s relationship to intimacy, sex, and connection. While some people can view it and be fine, many cannot use porn in a healthy way. It’s something about how our brain is wired, much like eating fast food changes our chemistry, porn can affect our intimacy (and many women who work with me report that they can tell the difference in their man when he is or isn’t viewing porn). Has your partner sought help for his porn addiction?
My story is so similar to Karen’s. Only, I haven’t left. I’m broken and defeated with no one whom I can share the reasons why. My husband of 33 years apologized for watching porn. But, he doesn’t think it is a big deal. All men do it. I wouldn’t have been so devastated, but he has adored and loved me for so long, Our sex life was always more than I could ever want. I never saw this coming. Now he expects me to forget about it. Like it was nothing. However, he no longer tells me he loves me. Never kisses me. Or hugs me. Sleeps so close to the edge of the bed, as if it would kill him if he touched me. He deletes his text messages, phone calls. Changed his passwords on all accounts. Ive been struggling with depression due to this for over a year now. He won’t let me talk about how I feel. When I do he gets defensive and angry and says he hasn’t ever done anything wrong and that I’m just selfish and ungrateful for all he’s done for me. I’m trying to forgive him. I do love him. I’m not going to leave him. I don’t believe he would ever leave me. I just need to figure out how to be at peace in my heart. I’m just growing so tired from feeling alone with nobody on my side.
Margaret –
Thank you for sharing. All that is very painful to experience. 33 years of marriage is a long time.
I hope you won’t mind my saying this:
The changing of passwords, distance in bed, lack of touch…his defensiveness are big red signs.
Your marriage is definitely experiencing a crises.
If he won’t listen to you or talk to you – I hope you find someone else to talk with. You’re welcome to schedule a complimentary session with me to see if I might be of assistance. Or try talking to a friend or even counselor at a nonprofit where the cost can be quite low.
Lack of touch. Distance while sleeping. Changed passwords…these are common indicators of cheating (not that he’s doing that, but I’d be remiss if I wasn’t sincere and point this out). Of course, signs don’t always mean thats what is happening. But even if he isn’t cheating, what matters is how you feel.
How important is it to you to talk to someone and change this?
If it really matters make some time to find someone like a trained coach or counselor to speak with.
My husband doesn’t invest in me neither he talks about our future plans nothing at all so I felt like he doesn’t love me anymore I confronted him by asking him if he is no more attached to me and he denied it that he still loves me .we argue all the time .during sex he takes he bath and sleep in the sitting room I just don’t understand him he totally changed .what should I do ,? I lost affection towards him and I want to leave this marriage am tired he is not caring neither loving .he doesn’t kiss me nor looking at me naked
That’s tough! To feel like our partner isn’t invested in creating something better with us, but somehow is just coasting and won’t work to make things better. I hear your pain on that and I know how much you’d like to connect with your partner. Have you considered asking your partner to do couple’s coaching with you? On my online marriage counseling pages I offer different programs, and before you ever invest or pay anything you can set up a free marriage consultation session so you can talk, try it out, and see if it would help with zero risk to you and your partner. Here is where you can schedule a consultation session if so wish: https://lastingloveconnection.com/contact/
My husband never touches or caresses me. Never compliments my appearance. I color & style my hair, have a mani-pedi done in the color he likes & still, nothing. I am 53, he’s 54. I am 5’7″ weigh 118lbs. & I’m far from “homely” looking. When he gets around full-figured women with large breasts, he gets all giddy & flirty. Btw, I am a modest 34B. This behavior is annoying & I feel it’s unfair to me. I feel it is outside the realm of acceptability to the sacred vows of marriage. He makes me feel so insignificant. I’m becoming very unhappy in our relationship. He does not return my affections & only cares about pleasing himself in the bedroom. There is no intimacy toward me. It’s like I’m undesirable because I’m not a “vuluptuous” woman. This is killing me. I’m at a loss of what to do. He gets angry if I want to discuss the issue.
You two either discuss the issue (with or without help) or it will continue to eat away at your marriage. I am here if you’d like help discussing this, and then support in making this conversation happen and work with your partner. I can tell though, this is something that matters to you and it’s important to discuss it with your husband.
I am in the same situation. I try and try and have been shut down and no response. He says he lost mojo when stopped Reddit. I waited until I was 39 to marry because of all the bullshit and yet I still get hurt. Why me why us????? If they wanted something younger then why marry s? I’m so beyond help
Hmmmm can I have ur wats app num
My husband likes when I preform sexual favors for him, but doesn’t seem to want full blown intercourse a lot anymore. Why????
Have you tried to ask him about this?
That’s where I’d recommend you start.
There could be many reasons. You’ll only find out by asking. Maybe he has performance anxiety, maybe he’s become very into sexual favors and not sex…maybe there’s something else. If there were a ‘cookie-cut-out’ response that worked every time, I’d tell you but there isn’t.
My husband has told me flat out that he is not attracted to me anymore. He doesn’t kiss, hug or even hold me intimately anymore. He doesn’t even start sex anymore. He wakes up in the mornings around 03:30, showers Leaves for work, he used to get home around 17:00, now for the past 2 weeks he has been getting home around 19:00. He keeps on telling me that it’s his work and because of his 2 promotions that he got 2 months ago. I’m always the one making the first move. When I do, do my hair nicely for him he doesn’t notice until I say something. He would of forgotten our 8th year wedding anniversary, if I didn’t say anything! He is not romantic anymore. I feel so hurt and worthless, useless as a wife and mother. I second guess myself all the time. He constantly tells he that he is not attracted and tells me to lose weight. He is not the same man, to when we started dating! He works all the time. I have to beg or tell him to stop working. Don’t know what to do anymore! I have asked him about this, but it always ends up in us fighting. I constantly have a feeling that there is someone else.
You’re pointing out a lot of red flags. Not just the sex, lack of intimacy, worry of betrayal, and the disconnection.
I usually say, ‘if you suspect there is someone else’ there usually is…I don’t want to feed that fire for you, but I do want to use to light a flame under your butt and get you to talk to a professional (I’m here, or there’s plenty of other people). I know your pain will only grow and fester and become more painful if you let it sit…Reach out to someone, alone or as a couple. If your partner won’t do coaching, that’s fine I do 1-1 sessions. I really want you to reach out to someone, me or someone else who knows how to coach and understands toxic patterns in marriages.
My husband has told me flat out that he is not attracted to me anymore. He doesn’t kiss, hug or even hold me intimately anymore. He doesn’t even start sex anymore. He wakes up in the mornings around 03:30, showers Leaves for work, he used to get home around 17:00, now for the past 2 weeks he has been getting home around 19:00. He keeps on telling me that it’s his work and because of his 2 promotions that he got 2 months ago. I’m always the one making the first move. When I do, do my hair nicely for him he doesn’t notice until I say something. He would of forgotten our 8th year wedding anniversary, if I didn’t say anything! He is not romantic anymore. I feel so hurt and worthless, useless as a wife and mother. I second guess myself all the time. He constantly tells he that he is not attracted and tells me to lose weight. He is not the same man, to when we started dating! He works all the time. I have to beg or tell him to stop working. Don’t know what to do anymore! I have asked him about this, but it always ends up in us fighting. He also constantly complains about how, what and where I spend money on. I constantly have a feeling that there is someone else.
You’re pointing out a lot of red flags. Not just the sex, lack of intimacy, worry of betrayal, and the disconnection.
I usually say, ‘if you suspect there is someone else’ there usually is…I don’t want to feed that fire for you, but I do want to use to light a flame under your butt and get you to talk to a professional (I’m here, or there’s plenty of other people). I know your pain will only grow and fester and become more painful if you let it sit…Reach out to someone, alone or as a couple. If your partner won’t do coaching, that’s fine I do 1-1 sessions. I really want you to reach out to someone, me or someone else who knows how to coach and understands toxic patterns in marriages.
My husband drags out fights. Stupid ones at that. He starts them and we have to wait for him to be ready to move on. Closure on his day and time he chooses. We haven’t slept together for 2 months. We are talking again but not sleeping in his bed that much. He chooses masturbation over having sex with me. He’s rejected my kisses or acts like I’m bothering him a lot of the time. It hurts because I put all the effort in and he makes none. I tell him my feelings and he couldn’t be bothered. All I get is sorry you feel that way. I feel rejected and unwanted. Very undesirable.
Take care of you and your mental.and emotional health. This is my advice to you. Coming from a girl that has had her heart destroyed as well. This type of treatment from someone you really love destroys us on every level. I promised myself that if things ever got this bad again we would take a 1 year break from each other. If he loved me he would prove it to me during this year apart. And who knows I might just not realize how much happier I would be without him..
I am going through something like this, he does not watch porn but no longer looks at me when I’m naked and he only has sex with me when I complain and it doesn’t feel like it use to emotionally. He is always downing me about one thing or another, saying I’m lazy or yelling about the smallest of things, like if I forget something. I am so hurt and sometimes just want to die.
I’m 31 and am in the same place as you. I’ve decided to give up on sex. It hurts so much more than it ever felt good. Has it made you feel better or worse?
Karen— so happy you posted this. I have been married for only 4 years and experiencing the same. He has never kissed me and we never had sex. I can’t help but feel like something’s wrong with me. It just hurts so much that he’d rather be intimate with himself instead of me. I don’t think I can be in a marriage like this anymore.
Every word you wrote is the exact way I feel. I’m 35, he’s 38 we’ve been married for 5 years. I am Crying and the feeling honestly as you seem to know, is indescribable pain. I am extremely attracted to him
And have a high sex drive which makes it even more hurtful. I depend on him financially and I’m a total wreck. He lied in the beginning amd i actually believed him. I thought he just didn’t have a sex drive. We fought over it so much.. our marriage was living hell the first 3 years. Slept in separate rooms, I was in consoling bc I was so mean to him
Due to lack of connection I was always disgusted w myself and the way I would treat him. Then… after al that I meant he’s been watching porn the whole time. He is so nice to me he’s a wonderful father, supportive and I know he loves me. He just doesn’t want to hurt me and he will do anything to sabe our marriage. He got viagra but I just feel this overwhelming feeling that things are off. Maybe it’s not just that’s he’s addocted to porn but he also just isn’t attracted to me before the porn. He slipped up once and said he didn’t have a porn problem before we got together. Everytimr I leave and he’s at the house alone I have a cloud of absolute disparity flood me. I’ve seen he’s looked up other women who are good looking on fb and to me… why ? I am always available and love him I even try to send him sexy pics and he acts so weird and dodges questions when I say something about of he wants to spice things up. I am not gross either I’ve always had guys lust over me. I don’t get it. I’ve turned into a really mean almost man like begger. God what I would do to turn the tables.
Sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time.
I am curious, have you two tried counseling/coaching? In situations like this – I find that the sexual attraction being off is due to something else (not just the physical). Since all things are connected, when the couple is struggling to talk, live their dreams, share deeply, or is challenged in some other way – the sex is off.
Some couples have come to saying their sex life was gone, they wanted it back. While their focus was there, the sessions helped us see that the couple had grown apart in some ways, that each partner hadn’t felt alive in life, or had something else that they didn’t connect to sexual attraction (but once they talked about it, shared, and discovered the other issues) they started to feel more alive in every area. Just like when we’re happy all things seem easier, our sex lives can be impacted by our lack of feeling connected, or alive in other areas.
If you would like to talk further, feel free to schedule a free marriage consultation for you and your partner together.
Is it any better?
This is exactly how I feel but it’s only been two months and he won’t have sex with me at all. Says I’m too pushy and that he feels uncomfortable around me all because I’ve asked a few times in the last week. But he’d rather hit on someone else and watch porn than even look at me.
You can’t live that way, you will end up terribly resentful and unhappy. Demand he gets help and if it doesn’t improve, leave! Life is too short to compromise on such a big issue.
Karen, your story could be mine. I have also given up on having sex in my marriage, as my husband is very much like yours. We set up guidelines on our computers that I know he follows, so porn is no longer in the house, but he tells me he has no interest in any sex at all or even viewing it. He’s 53 years old, I’m 46. I am coming to the realization it’s all his problem. He’s a very anxious person and our fights and breakups over sex make it something he avoids in al forms because it makes him upset. I’m starting to value our connection as friends and intimate partners( no sex though) enough to just live through it. Try getting a sex toy and maybe your husband’s vouyeristic tendencies will take over. I know it’s not the same, but maybe he’ll realize he needs to pay attention.
I am in the same situation. I try and try and have been shut down and no response. He says he lost mojo when stopped Reddit. I waited until I was 39 to marry because of all the bullshit and yet I still get hurt. Why me why us????? If they wanted something younger then why marry s? I’m so beyond help
Hi. I’m a 39 year old woman and i’ve been married with my husband for five years (and almost three before).
We had a baby four months ago, a baby that we wanted so much. A month ago i’ ve descovered that my husband was not only watching porn almost every day but he was actually paying to watch live naked women. I talked to him about it and said i cannot promise that i will not do it again, it’s something that i like and for me is like it completes me. As an excuse he first told me it was because i was pregnant and we didn’t do anything in order not to risk it, but on other times he told me because he was too stressed with work or that we didn’t have alot of sex or that my wife cannot be available all times. I’ m actually very stressed about this as i would never expected anything like this from him. I feel very angry, disappointed, i lost my trust, i feel i’m not good enough for him and that he is not sattisfied with our sex life. What would be the reasons for him to act like this now? I feel he is not respecting me at all.
All of these but maybe at most 5 to six have been happening the last month and it’s killing me. What do I do. I rather be dead than not be with him Or i would die if he died or, I would die if he left or cheated on me. How can I save my marriage and make my husband sexually attracted to me
Ummm ladies it really sounds like some if these are cheating husband.. Sorry but it does and husband or not you should never beg any man to love you want you or need you! You are worth more then he thinks and you are beautiful women! Take back your pride and self esteem and find a man who will appreciate you and what you offer.
Speaking from a woman with an emotionally distant husband….I would suggest an affair. I think about it every day now. I’ve given my life to this thing. Had four amazing kids, kept up my appearance even botox, etc…..He just seems unhappy and to me it’s his problem. If I met decent guy, I’d cheat in a heartbeat….if your husband is emotionally checked out, then eff it….live your life. You only have one chance to be happy. Do something scandalous.
My husband would rather masturbate into an old sock. Than try to even touch me anymore. It’s like living with a preteen. I’ve lost weight, changed my clothes, and he barely even hugs me anymore. I haven’t felt wanted in so long I don remember how it feels.